Is Your Partner's Family Ruining Your Relationship? Here's How to Talk to Them About Their Difficult Relatives

There’s a reason why the old saying, “When you marry someone, you marry their family,” is a common phrase. Whether you’re dating, engaged, or married, if you’re in a serious relationship, your union doesn’t just involve you and your partner, but also your significant other’s parents, siblings, and even extended family members. From going on an annual summer trip with your partner’s side of the family to spending Thanksgiving at your in-laws’ house, there’s no denying that your loved one’s relatives are a big part of your life, and thus, they have a significant impact on your relationship—for better or for worse. Plus, your partner’s family likely has a lot of influence over your loved one’s beliefs, behaviors, and decisions, which can either enhance or impede a relationship, according to licensed psychotherapist Dr. Margo Lewis-Jah.

If you’re romantically involved with someone whose family falls on the more difficult end of the spectrum, whether it’s a judgmental mother who constantly criticizes your career or an overbearing father who controls your partner’s financial decisions, you might feel as if these relatives are ruining your relationship. Dating or marrying someone whose family is challenging to deal with can slowly erode your connection and self-esteem, creating tension, misunderstanding, resentment, and frustration in your union. To resolve these persistent and detrimental issues, the best approach entails effective communication.

Wondering how to broach the conversation with your partner and possibly their relatives? We asked the experts to share their top tips and best advice. Ahead, here’s what to do if your partner’s family is ruining your relationship.

Signs Your Partner’s Family Is Ruining Your Relationship

While you probably intuitively know if your partner’s family is ruining your relationship, here are the telltale signs that it’s happening to you. 

Your Partner Has to Consult Their Family Before Making a Decision

A large indicator that your significant other’s family has a negative impact on your relationship is if your partner needs to consult them before making any decision—both big and small. “This can show up as never being able to make choices on their own without needing their parents’ input,” says certified dating and relationship coach Adelle Kelleher. When these decisions concern your relationship, such as moving to a new neighborhood or choosing the right preschool for your child, you might feel as if your partner doesn’t trust your judgment, which can deteriorate your connection.

They Value Their Family’s Input Over Yours

Similarly, if your significant other continuously seeks out and listens to their family more than you, that’s a sign that their relatives are ruining your relationship. “If your partner’s family has a more important voice in your relationship than you do, that is a recipe for disaster,” Kelleher says. Having your loved one prioritize their parents’ advice on whether they should change careers while disregarding your own, for example, can feel isolating and upsetting. This doesn’t mean that their family can’t have any say at all, but for a partnership to work and thrive, you need your loved one to value your opinions and insights, too.

They Fail to Set Boundaries With Their Family

Whether your partner’s family frequently shows up to your house unannounced or constantly shares unsolicited advice on how to split your bills, if your significant other doesn’t push them back a bit, you might feel like your relationship is a second priority. “When your partner fails to set boundaries with their family or prioritize your needs over theirs, it can leave you feeling unsupported and neglected,” Lewis-Jah shares.

You’re Excluded from Family Gatherings

Feeling left out of your partner’s family gatherings, whether it’s being overlooked at your nephew’s birthday or not getting the invite at all, can wear away at your romantic relationship. If it’s coupled with your significant other’s failure to stand up for you, then you’ll feel especially unsupported and unseen.

Most Interactions With Your Partner’s Family End in Conflict

Another major sign that your partner’s difficult family is ruining your relationship is if most of your interactions with their relatives result in arguments or tension. This will understandably make you dread attending functions with your significant other’s family, but without authentically communicating your perspective, your partner could easily become annoyed with your attitude, leading to an unnecessary fight.

Tips for Talking to Your Partner About Their Difficult Family

If one or more of the above signs ring true for you, in order for your relationship with your partner to heal, you’ll need to express your point of view and voice your concerns to them. Otherwise, your significant other won’t know how their family is affecting you (or if they’re affecting you in the first place). Since it can be difficult to initiate and have this conversation, here are some expert tips to guide you.

Choose the Right Time and Place

Since this is a sensitive topic, there’s a right time and place for it. If you talk to your partner about how their challenging family is ruining your relationship when you’re already in the middle of an argument or if they’re checking emails or watching TV, your message won’t have as strong of an impact. Lewis-Jah suggests initiating the conversation when the two of you are calm and undistracted. 

Use “I” Statements

Without choosing your words carefully, discussing your significant other’s family with them can easily make your partner shut down and get defensive. Instead of making generalized statements that place the blame on the person you’re dating or married to, such as “You always make me feel unsupported when your family is around,” Lewis-Jah recommends using “I” statements. For example, you could tell them, “I feel unsupported when you take your parents’ side over mine.” Leading with the emotions that you’re feeling will make your partner more open to listening to your message.

Stick to the Topic at Hand

When emotions are high, you might be tempted to bring up past, unrelated issues or make cruel remarks about your partner or their family. But, not only will these hurt your loved one, but they’ll also detract from the matter at hand. “Frame your communication around how the issue impacts you personally, highlighting its effects on the relationship rather than dwelling on perceived flaws in your partner's family members,” Lewis-Jah advises.

Listen Attentively

After you express your thoughts and feelings, give your partner a chance to talk and attentively listen to them. “Allow your partner to share their perspective without interrupting or dismissing their feelings,” Lewis-Jah says. “Validate their experiences even if you disagree.” By giving them the space to speak without letting your emotions get the best of you, you’ll be more likely to reach a resolution.

Determine a Solution

Once the two of you have made all of your points, end the conversation by coming up with a solution that addresses the problem. Maybe that looks like having your partner set a boundary with their parents, such as asking them to shoot you a text before they show up at your door or asking them to give you some space as you search for your future home.

How to Directly Talk to Your Partner’s Difficult Family

Talking to your partner about their troublesome relatives is the best way to repair the issue. However, if you’ve already discussed the matter with your significant other and their attempt to set a boundary isn’t successful, you might feel inclined to directly talk to the person who seems to be ruining your relationship. After initiating the conversation, make sure to follow the below guidelines.

Remain Calm

Even if you’re insulted by and upset with the way your partner’s family has been interfering with your relationship, getting worked up and yelling at them will not solve anything. In fact, this will likely form an even greater wedge between you and your significant other. Lewis-Jah recommends being as calm and patient as possible, even if they provoke strong emotions. “Ensure the tone of your voice remains neutral and avoid escalating conflicts,” she advises. Instead of reacting on emotion, try taking a few deep breaths before the conversation.

Assert Your Boundaries

The point of the conversation with your partner’s relatives is to set boundaries, so make sure to vocalize them in a clear, succinct way. “Assertively communicate your boundaries with firmness and consistency,” Lewis-Jah says. “Clearly articulate what behaviors are acceptable and unacceptable in your interactions with them.” 

Use the First Person

Just like the discussion you had with your partner, it’s important to focus on how the situation made you feel, not what the person did. Accusing your partner’s family of ruining your relationship will only escalate the conflict. Instead, let them know how their behavior affected you through the use of “I” statements.

Consider Their Point of View

Your partner’s parents will likely have something to say in response. As they’re speaking, make sure to carefully listen to them and acknowledge their perspective. “Reflect back what they say to demonstrate understanding and empathy,” Lewis-Jah poses. Giving them the opportunity to speak—without any judgment or interruptions—is a mature reaction that’s likely to bring about a plausible resolution.

Signs You Should End a Relationship Due to Your Partner’s Difficult Family

Even after having multiple conversations with your partner and their family and continuously asserting your boundaries, if nothing has been resolved and your relationship is still suffering, you might be wondering if you should end your partnership. Since this is a huge decision—especially if you’re married—it requires a lot of deliberation. Before you come to any conclusion, Lewis-Jah advises attending couples counseling to navigate the issue with a professional. “Seeking support from a therapist can help individuals explore their options, develop coping strategies, and determine whether the relationship is salvageable,” she mentions. She also recommends relying on your friends and family to support you during this challenging time.

If you’ve explored every option, but you’re still miserable, here are the signs that you should consider breaking up or divorcing your partner.

Your Partner Doesn’t Support You

Despite voicing your grievances to your significant other, if they still aren’t showing you any support, you might want to reassess the relationship. “If the partner consistently prioritizes their family's interests over the individual's wellbeing or fails to intervene in conflict situations, it may indicate an imbalance in the relationship dynamic,” Lewis-Jah states.

Your Partner and Their Family Repeatedly Violate Your Boundaries

After clearly communicating your boundaries with your partner and their family, if they continuously disregard and violate them, that’s a sign your relationship might not be serving you anymore. “It can erode trust and undermine the individual’s sense of agency,” Lewis-Jah shares.

The Conflict Still Hasn’t Been Resolved

Witnessing your partner and their family deny the issue or minimize your feelings can be extremely frustrating and demoralizing. Over time, this treatment can wear away at your self-esteem and mental health, which confirms that the relationship isn’t adding any value to your life. “If efforts to address and mitigate these conflicts prove ineffective or if they recur with escalating intensity, it may suggest deeper underlying issues that warrant attention,” Lewis-Jah says.

There’s Physical or Emotional Abuse

One of the clearest signs you should leave a relationship is if there’s any presence of physical or emotional abuse. If you’re discussing your partner’s difficult family with them and the argument suddenly turns violent, you should end things as soon as possible. While physical abuse is easier to detect, emotional abuse is just as damaging. This might look like convincing you that you were the cause of their family’s maltreatment or denying that their relatives ever treated you poorly. Any form of abuse is an unquestionable reason to end things.