I (23f) worked very hard to lose 30 lbs over the past year to be bikini ready for the summer.

I started d ating a new guy (25m) about 2 months ago, he's a good guy but a huge people pleaser.

His family fostered a boy (now man) close to his age and they are super close.

Was going to go to the beach with his family for memorial Day weekend. His foster brothers b irth mother will be there (not sure exactly why he was in foster care but I didn't ask as it's none of my business). My boyfriend said while he knows I worked very hard to lose weight and was excited about being able to wear a bikini, if I could please wear a one piece because his foster brothers mother is very conservative.

I told him no this is a public beach and if I can't wear what I want I won't go. Although I explained to him if this were her house I'd of course abide by her rules and dress conservatively.

I understand he's very close with his foster brother and wants to make a good impression on his mother but this is a public beach I should be able to wear the swim suit I want, and ive been heavy my whole life this is the first time I can wear a bikini ive worked very hard and have been looking forward to this. I don't have a ton of friends (I just moved here) and we have to drive a few hours to get to the beach so this isn't something i get to do often.

So I told him I just won't go if I can't wear what I want in a public beach, I understand he wants to make a good impression but she has no right to tell me what to wear in a public place, but of course I'd abide by her rules if it were her house.

He says i should do this because it's very important to him to make a good impression on her since he's so close with her son

AITA

We had our wedding at an all inclusive. It was beautiful and since we were having a small wedding it was cheaper than having a big wedding in town. We chose one with very inexpensive flights and subsidized any guest who wanted to come but might have trouble covering the cost.

We had 50 guests.

The plan was for everyone to come down before the wedding, spend a few days enjoying the sun, and then celebrate with us.

My mother got it into her head that this should be a family reunion. She didn't want my new husband's family there so her plan was to contact our side of the family and tell them to shift their reservations so that they would be coming later and staying after the wedding. She also invited other people for after the wedding.

As long as they were part of my wedding block that was allowed by the hotel. We actually got a little kickback from a few that overlapped my wedding day.

Anyway my mom didn't inform me. But the hotel did because some of the extras wanted the group price even though they weren't going to be there until after the wedding.

I was upset but my mom goes into hysterics if confronted. My husband and I decided to just roll with it.

The wedding and reception went beautifully. The day following the wedding I ran into sine family that I had not invited. For a reason. However we ran into them in the lobby on our way to the Airport.

My husband and I decided not to have our honeymoon at that resort. Instead we flew to one on the other side of the country. Goodbye Caribbean hello Pacific.

My mom blew up my phone wondering where we were. I told her we went on our honeymoon in Baja California.

She lost her shit. She had told everyone that I was cool with the plan. I missed the hysterics which I appreciated.

She is still upset and said I was ungrateful and childish after all she did.

I bit my tongue instead of yelling at her for inviting people I dislike to my wedding. And on my honeymoon.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

My sister slept with my boyfriend and I sent her a really cruel message that I don't regret at all

Thanks to & for suggesting this BoRU

Triggers Warnings: infidelity, manipulation, entitlement

---

: February 2, 2024

Sorry but this post will have A LOT of bad energy and I'm terrible at writing in English so If anyone is going to read the post, I'm sorry for all the grammatical errors that are likely to be in the post. :P

So a few days ago I (F25) found out that my sister (24f) has been sleeping with my boyfriend (now ex, 25m. We dated for three years) for one year or probably more.

They always had a close relationship but I obviously took it as something innocent, I don't like video games but my sister does so they talked a lot by text and I thought it was about games they like until I found out that no, they talked a lot about their secret dates while I was working and in college, I found pictures, videos and a lot of other disgusting things in the chats between my ex and my sister. My pathetic sister found pleasure in asking my pathetic ex all the time if she's smarter or prettier than me, she even compared our private parts, wth (We're both pretty, she's actually thinner and prettier than me and even if she's an introvert she has her group of friends so I really don't understand where she got so much venom towards me, our parents never compared us or anything like that and she was always the one asking my ex to compare both of us in the chats.)

The first thing I did was throw all my ex-boyfriend's things out of the apartament, I insulted him in a thousand ways and I kept the PC that I gave him for Christmas.

I didn't speak a single word to my sister for over a week and she didn't contacted me like the coward she is until yesterday when she sent me a message trying to justify herself by saying that it was a mistake (Yes, a mistake that lasted more than a year) and that I should forgive her because we're sisters and blah blah blah at one point I thought "Should I be the mature person in the situation who doesn't let resentment speak for her?" but then I realized that I've never been that kind of person. I took my phone and wrote a long message to my sister that I would love to write here but I am sure that I would break the rules since I called her out in every possible way and I wrote a lot of personal things too, I told her how much of a failure she is and how she has always envied me and that's why she needed to feel what it's like to be me for a second of her sad life.

She sended me a voice massage crying and saying that she's in a very weak moment mentally (but she's still with him, lmao) and I shouldn't make her feel worse and that she regrets it, I just reacted to her message with this emoji 😂 and didn't even heard the long voice message until the end.

Was it a low thing to attack her with all her flaws? Yes, but it's lower to betray your sister and believe that she's going to forgive you just because you share blood with her.

Honestly, I feel really good after sending her that message and feel that it was Therapeutic to take out everything I feel to give closure to that.

Btw I've never used a PC for gaming but I'm looking for tutorials on YouTube about how to download the SIMS.

I helped my sister in every moment of her life, I literally fought for her when she was being bullied during High school, I helped her thousands of times to make friends, I even accompanied her everywhere she wanted, it is a betrayal that really hurts and I will never forgive, never. It hurts me that she slept with someone I loved, but it hurts me a lot all the things I read in those chats, how she enjoyed watching him compare me to her or how she asked him about personal things about our relationship just to laugh at it. She's dead to me and my parents knows it.

I don't even care if I'm a bad person like them, this is something I can't forgive and I don't even feel bad for my reaction.

Edit: I posted half of the message

Relevant Comments

OOP on her parents’ reaction of the relationships between her sister and her boyfriend

OOP: My mother was disgusted and my father was angry but they only comforted me until I left their house, I don't know what they talked to my sister about afterwards and I don't want to ask but they will probably cut contact with her.

She just said that it was a mistake and in the voice message she only talked about how weak she feels mentally and that she has been having anxiety attacks even though I didn't heard the full audio because it lasts +4 minutes and I was getting even more pissed off with her just wanting to be the victim so i stopped the audio almost in the end.

She never explained why she said all those ugly things about me because everything was about her having "anxiety attacks"

 

: February 2, 2024

Thank you for all the nice comments you left me! Many wrote to me with tips for the sims and I'm really grateful, thanks for the game recommendations even though I'm really bad at playing action game, The last action game I played was Resident Evil 4 on the PS2 long time ago and it was because I had a crush with Leon Kennedy (he would never cheat on me btw).

As a token of appreciation (And because I also like it when the op uploads the whole gossip), I will put here half of the message I sent to my sister.

The message I sent her was really long and I cut out the parts where I talk about very private things or when I insulted her to not make the post too uncomfortable because I was really hurt and angry at that moment and I talked about many personal things in the text. I will put the copy of the message in the end if someone talks Spanish. I'm sorry if it sounds weird in English, I did my best to translate it and I had to remove a lot of parts.

"I'm not interested in hearing any of your excuses, I believed you when a problem she had with her ex-friend group happened because I really trusted that you would never do something like that but now I understand why everyone leaves you alone and you deserve it.

What you did to me is a shit and you know it but you didn't care because you spent a year being the whore of ex name without any shame and now that I found out everything you went days without talking to me because you are a coward and on top of that you still don't care about what you did to me, You're only talking to me because Dad probably stopped talking to you and you're running out of money, so you want to fix this shit so he gives you money again. You were always an asshole but don't you think it's a lot to be my boyfriend's second woman? How little respect do you have for yourself? We're sisters, I don't even know what's going on in your head because I don't understand what's wrong with you. Girl, I read all the messages between you and you even started comparing our bodies, YOU'RE SICK.

You know that I never did anything for you to do this to me and I loved you. But everything turned out really well for you because he's with you so enjoy that feeling and the love you two have for the other for now because you are going to be really lonely later and you are going to go back to your cave but this time I am not going to be there to pity you like everytime I did before.

Stay with him, there's nothing that interests me less than fighting for an idiot who is surely going to leave you but let me make it clear to you that you're not going to hear about me again, this dies here, we are not sister's anymore. If I see you on the street then I'm going to cross to the opposite sidewalk to not see you."

(Editor’s note: OOP’s original message in Spanish)

"No me interesa escuchar ninguna de tus excusas, yo te creí cuando pasó lo de a problem she had with her ex-friend group porque de verdad confié en que vos nunca harías algo así pero ahora entiendo por qué todos te dejan sola y te lo mereces.

Lo que me hiciste es una cagada y vos lo sabes pero no te importó porque estuviste un año siendo la trola de ex name sin ninguna vergüenza y ahora que me enteré de todo estuviste días sin hablarme porque sos re cagona y encima te sigue sin importar lo que me hiciste, solamente me estás hablando porque papá seguramente te cortó el rostro y te estás quedando sin plata así que querés arreglar tu cagada para que te vuelvan a depositar. Siempre fuiste una pelotuda fracasada pero no te parece un montón rebajarte a ese nivel de ser la segunda de mi novio? Tan poco respeto te tenés a vos misma? Somos hermanas, no sé ni que está pasando por tu cabeza porque posta no entiendo que te pasa. Flaca, leí todos los mensajes entre ustedes y te ponías a comparar nuestros cuerpos, estás re enferma.

Vos sabes que yo nunca te hice nada para que vos me hagas esto y te re quería, igual te salió re bien porque el está con vos así que disfruta por ahora ese amor que se tienen porque después te vas a quedar sola de verdad y vas a volver a tu cueva pero esta vez no voy a estar yo para tenerte lastima como siempre hice antes.

Quédate con el, no hay nada que me interese menos que pelear por un idiota que seguramente te va a dejar pero que te quede claro que de mi no vas a volver a escuchar, acá muere, no somos más hermanas y si te veo en la calle me cruzo de vereda."

Edit: Yes, I'm from Argentina :)

 

: May 17, 2024

They broke up nobody's surprised

When all of this happened my parents scolded my sister and she got offended and didn't speak to our parents except to ask them for money, she asked them for money to buy things for her career but then my aunt told my parents that my sister actually used that money to buy my ex some sneakers.

My parents never gave her any money from that day on, she's an idiot tbh. My parents started to pay for us to go to a private college and the only thing we have to do is literally STUDY, The only thing she had to do was take her studies seriously but she didn't, so my father got tired and hasn't sent her money for months.

My ex discovered the post because he said it went viral in Facebook and obviously he recognized the story, he contacted me to apologize and said he knows he did wrong by hurting me like that but my sister 'manipulated him' and it was a total mistake, I told him he can shove his apologies in the ass.

Meanwhile, my sister and I have only crossed paths a few times, but she always avoids me because she thinks I'm going to hit her (I won't). We're not going to the same career so we luckily don't see each other too much

Anyway, a few days ago she went to our parents' house saying that she broke up with my ex (idk why) And that she felt really sad and had an anxiety attack, I don't know exactly what they talked about since I wasn't there but my mother told me that she told my sister that she knew what was going to happen when she slept with him and my sister justified herself by saying that 'They're in love' so my mother and her just argued again and my sister left. Now she doesn't talk to anyone in the family except our grandmother to ask for money, I know my sister is not going to change her bad habits and she didn't learn anything from this, I even think she will get together with my ex again because they're just toxic with each other but it's her life to ruin, not mine and I don't care anymore.

The bright side: I sold the pc to a guy from reddit that saw my post and that really saved me from having to keep paying the dues, unfortunately I didn't get to play The Sims much but I prefer the extra money. My ex had told me that he wanted the pc back but I told him that then he should pay the remaining dues AND HE SAID NO, so the idiot wanted the pc for free even though he slept with my sister. 🥴

The weird side: There are YouTubers who are literally charging their subscribers to read the post or other reddit posts, tf, at least give me a share of the profits.

I'm know it's a boring update and probably everyone wanted that the update was my sister begging for forgiveness and my ex suffering but no, they are just two idiots who deserve each other and nothing more happened but even today I received a message asking me for an update, haha.

Relevant Comments

OOP on if she forgives her sister and her boyfriend

OOP: I'm going to go ahead and not forgive them, I can do both at the same time.

And no, I don't forgive my sister and i don't want her to forget this AND I don't want to see her again. In a few years I'll remember these two idiots and laugh, but that doesn't mean they deserve my forgiveness.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

to

Do doctors laugh at patients? I am worried about seeing doctor about my second pair of eyes. - May 13, 2024

Triggers Warnings: mental illness, hospitalization.

Mood spoilers: ends well

---

22F taking geodon 160 mg and trileptal 600 mg. I have developed a​ hidden second pair of eyes behind my two visible eyes and I’m not sure if I should go to the doctor for this. I’m really worried about what it means. I’m scared of being laughed at or being told nothing is wrong. I know something’s wrong, I will just need x rays to prove it but I’m scared of being laughed at and I’m scared of the x rays showing nothing because I know something is there.

 

Relevant comments:

(physician): We won't laugh at this, but it would generate concern. I have to be honest this sounds more like a fixed delusion, you don't give your medical history but probably there is underlying schizoaffective or similar disorder. If the second eyes were visible, others would be able to see them either with their eyes or imaging. While they feel very real to you, that does not mean they are physically present.

This certainly should be discussed with your physician as these delusions can cause a great deal of distress and can be treated.

 

(paramedic): I remember you from last year when your eyes merged - back then no one laughed at you when you had this problem, so you can absolutely go to the doctor with this. Not sure if they will give you an x-ray but they surely can solve your issue, so don't hesitate to go. All the best.

Also for the readers: Please do not downvote her comments, her responses are all part of her medical issue.

OOP: Yeah, my eye issues went away for a while and then came back, it’s just a​ different issue this time. I’ll go in the morning. I don’t mind the downvotes because I know people think I’m crazy but thanks for sticking up for me.

 

OOP: I don’t know the cause but I know something similar has happened to me before where my eyes were turning into one eye, or my pupils become divine shapes and turn blue when I’m having a divine thought.

I have been having double vision for a few months and when I went to the doctor they said it was probably just dehydration and gave me fluids but they didn’t do an x ray of my head. And I realized yesterday that I’ve been seeing out of these new eyes instead of my old ones. I booked an appointment to the optometrist because I thought it was a normal eye issue until I realized. I’ve had weird eye issues like this in the past that other people didn’t believe.

 

OOP: I don’t know if there’s any hope for me.

The last time I went to the ER for my eyes they just told me I was dehydrated and gave me fluids and this time they’ll do the same thing even though I’ve been drinking enough water, 8 cups a day, I’ve been doing well, I don’t know what to do now and I’m scared of going to the doctor and no one is believing me, they all think I’m fucking psychotic and I’m not (EDITOR: emphasis added). They’ll just send me to the hospital again without doing any scans and nothing will even show up on a scan. I’m so frustrated and tired and sick of the whole medication game. I don’t understand why I can’t just be normal and go on with my life like other people my age. why do I have to have these weird insane problems no one even believes?

 

(Physician - Psychiatry): Please tell me more about the divine experiences- what is a divine thought? It sounds intense. How are your thoughts normally?

Do you have any close family or friends (or other people you trust) that you have or could talk to about these concerns?

 

OOP: My thoughts normally are just regular people thoughts. Like the kind you or someone else might have. Divine thoughts sometimes don’t belong to me or they happen because a divine figure wanted me to think it. They feel good but sometimes they’re scary. But I have a feeling you knew that already.

I don’t remember how much I’ve told my family.

 

(Physician): What do you take the geodon and trileptal for? Are you having double vision or blurry vision? Any headaches?

OOP: Yes to both blurry eyes and double vision. No headaches though. I thought I was taking the meds for mental illness but I’m now realizing there was no mental illness and the meds have been poisoning me. I’m cured and being poisoned. I’m not sure how to bring this up to the psychiatrist I am seeing. He always dismisses my concerns.

(Physician): Ok, I understand and I know you must feel scared right now! The double/blurry vision has me concerned as well and I think you should go to an ER and tell them what is going on. In addition, you should try to get a hold of your psychiatrist in the morning and speak to them about your medications, because if you have abruptly stopped your medications you could be experiencing symptoms similar to ones you are experiencing. It seems like it is causing you a lot of distress so I would try to get in touch with a doctor as soon as possible.

OOP: Thanks. I will. And I didn’t stop my medications even though I want to.

 

(not verified as healthcare professional): I am proud of you for asking for help. I hope you are giving yourself grace and care, OP.

OOP: Thanks, I’m trying to.

 

 

- May 18, 2024

22F. I was having a psychotic episode and went to the hospital shortly after making that post. I’m stabilized and my brain feels a lot more clear now, and I recognize that I don’t actually have any extra eyes. I’m not back to 100% quite yet but I’m getting there. Thanks to everyone who was nice to me in helping me figure out what was going on.

 

Relevant comment:

OOP: My friend convinced me to go. It was pretty much blind faith in her. Without my support system I wouldn’t have gone to the hospital at all. I was having a lot of paranoia around doctors.

They gave me zyprexa at first to stabilize me. That shit is like a wonder drug.

The main reason I even had a psychotic episode was because I wasn’t eating enough food for my geodon to work. Once I was eating the hospital dinners it kicked back in pretty fast since it was already in my system. While I was in the hospital my paranoia and hallucinations gradually declined over four days, but with the delusion it was like an on/off switch got flipped around day 3.

 

 

As this episode seems to have ended, I'm marking this as concluded. I want to note what drew me to this post: OOP is completely coherent and rational, despite some of the irrational things she's saying. I'm so happy she has a good support system and was willing and able to get help! Also, basically all the comments were exceptionally kind and caring.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

My (47F) husband (47M) asked for a separation on our 14th anniversary, while we were away in a foreign country to celebrate. While we weren’t as close as we used to be, we almost never fought and generally enjoyed each others company and families. We do not have any children.

The night before our anniversary, he brought up he wasn’t very happy in the relationship but didn’t know why. The next morning, I asked to see his phone and he said no. He said I would find “flirty” messages with one or more other women on it. He had made some female friends through school and work and he said felt like there might be someone out there who was a better fit for him.

I said I did not want to do a trial separation, as I don’t believe you can work on something if you aren’t living together. If he wanted to separate it would be final. He understood but said it was something he HAD to do.

After being away for only 2 days, we rebooked our flights home, flew home and he packed some belongings and left. 7 days later he asked to come home and we started marriage counselling. He had a lot of trouble admitting he had at least one emotional affair. The counselling was not helpful, he was defensive and not open to it. I suspect something physical happened with the other woman but I do not have any proof. He had deleted all his “flirty” texts, snapchat, etc so I could not see them.

After 4 weeks of living together again and attending counselling sessions, he decided he no longer wanted to try to save the marriage and he was leaving. He packed up and left a few hours later. He stayed with a friend, found a new apartment and signed a one year lease.

I was devastated and even had to take time off work to process what had happened and attend individual counselling.

After a 4 weeks, I started to feel a bit better. I went out for drinks with a group of four coworkers that live in my area and found I really enjoyed one of them (42M) a lot. I had only met him over Zoom before this. We started seeing each other a couple times a week. Quite quickly it grew into a truly amazing, loving relationship. I’ve stayed in counselling throughout as it wasn’t easy to process the sudden ending of my long term marriage at the same time as beginning something new. It’s been about 7 months now.

My ex-husband eventually decided he wanted to try to save the marriage again, but I declined. He says I’m TA for starting a new relationship so quickly (within 6 weeks of him leaving). Our relationship was over as I can no longer trust him, and he has hurt me immensely. I do not want a relationship with someone I cannot trust. Am I TA for moving on?

My husband is mixed (black father and a white mother). I am white. We have two beautiful children. They look completely different and everyone always comments on how different their complexion is. Our oldest has beautiful caramel skin with brown eyes and is almost as dark as my husband. Our second is white with a hint of a yellow undertone and will have either green or hazel eyes. He looks yellowish in person but in pictures is very white. His face is also much lighter than his body. Our son is 6 months old.

For the first 2-3 months, our son was darker and my husband was happy. But he began to get lighter as the months went on. His eyes also changed from very dark grey to blue/grey on the outside with brown in the middle. He was born with VERY dark hair and now has blonde hair. I (and my entire family) have green/blue eyes. My hair is now dark brown, but it was blonde for the first 8 years of my life. My MIL is blonde with hazel eyes.

When the baby began to appear lighter, my husband asked for a paternity test due to his friends and coworkers all bringing up how light our second child is. I obliged because I know that my husband would’ve let the wound fester and hold resentment towards me and the baby as he’s had multiple friends have women cheat. He’s also been cheated on and gets weird about things like that.

The paternity test was an oral DNA swab and I did not touch any portion of it because I didn’t want him to come back and say it was because I did something. The only thing I did was place it in the mail with him watching me. The results showed that he is the father.

We did the test when the baby was 4 months old. He hasn’t really brought it up but I can tell that how light our son is really bothers him.

Tonight, he started saying that he didn’t think the baby was his and that he wasn’t the father. Our oldest heard and said “yes you are our daddy.” He mentioned it multiple times throughout the night. He said that he won’t be a father to him because he’s not a black child. And that about broke me. Baby boy deserves the world and I want to make sure his dad is active in his life.

We have not had issues with trust prior to this and I have not done anything to warrant this. I love him and he’s an amazing father to our oldest. He does play with the baby and will care for him. But he always makes little comments about who his dad might be. I’m worried that those comments will affect our oldest and the little one on a subconscious level. They also hurt me.

I have encouraged him to go get another paternity test done via blood draw if he really felt that our son way not his.

I guess I need advice on how to deal with this.

I have two twin daughters, Josie and Piper. Josie is very quiet, she’s an avid reader and highly academically gifted. On the other hand, Piper is very girly and into makeup and typical teen girl stuff that Josie is not interested in at all.

For their birthday, I catered their gifts to their interests, but due to Piper’s more expensive interests I ended up spending significantly more on her. Piper likes more extravagant items than Josie does. When they opened the gifts, Josie seemed a little disappointed and later on she told her grandmother (my MIL) how upset she was about how I was “playing favorites”. My MIL comes up to me later on, and lectures me on how playing favorites is negatively impacting Josie and that it’s a “bitchy move” to spend more on the daughter who shares my interests.

Anyways, AITA?

So my husband has admitted that he has feelings for SIL. This time I didn’t just relent and move on from our last fight . I wanted to go to the bottom of this. I told him I wasn’t finished with this conversation and that I wanted him to tell me the truth. Yes he wants me to clean and cook more but that wasn’t just it. First he said it was just a crush, a fantasy. Then he said it was feelings.

He didn’t understand why I was upset. I asked him to tell me his private feelings. He didn’t volunteer them. Nobody knows what people really feel and even married people can have crushes and feelings about others. They were just that. Private feelings.

Except he does actually act on them. Maybe he thinks that physical cheating is the only way people act on feelings but he is wrong. In fact he acted on them so blatantly that it set the red flags off. He promised that he will be better and never hurt me again.

The question is will he be better in getting rid of his feelings or learn how to hide them better next time? And what difference does it make to me? If he is respectful and loving on the outside, do I have a right to control his inside too? How do we know where our boundaries end and theirs start?

How do I move on?

My wife has been complaining recently that our kids always seem to prefer spending time with me over her. They never go to her for anything they need, it's always me.

I just answered that it's because I spend more time with them than she does. She stated that I don't so I broke it down for her just point blank.

Both kids are young and need parental supervision for everything.

They wake between 5.30am and 6am. I am the one who gets up with them every single morning.

Wife gets up at 7.30am weekdays and about 9am weekends.

Low end that's 13.5 hours I spend more with them.

I also do bedtime for both kids. That takes about 1 hour a night for baths and stories etc. that's another 7 hours a week.

Wife also says she gets stressed / touched out a lot, I often take the kids with me to the supermarket or to the park or something to let her have along bath in peace or an afternoon nap. Probably around 3.5 hours a week if we also.add in that I'm the one who also takes kids to all extra curriculars and picks them up.

She does not ever have the kids on her own, the longest she does is the time it takes me to have a shower and dressed each morning.

So I just broke it down plainly like above. I effectively spend a full actual day more a week with them. I didn't say it in any kind of a moaning way or anything like that, I do actually really enjoy spending time with them so I'm quite happy with the arrangement.

I just feel that she can't complain that the kids don't want to spend time with her when she spends proportionally so much less of her time with them.

An I the asshole for pointing this out?

Edit and an Update.

Thank you all for your comments. I wasn't expecting this post to get anywhere near this traction and I will read them all.

Something I missed in my original post - work. We own a business together, we both work at it 5 days a week 9.30-4.30. Its not stressful or particularly difficult work as the business has got to the stage where we are able to take a step back and it mostly runs itself.

Update. 18month old woke at 5.30am this morning. It's now 7.30am and she's still in bed so clearly our conversation had no impact. I don't really care or have any desire to change things because I quite like how they are so I don't plan to push it.

I am NOT OOP. OOP is

Originally posted to +

Thanks to for the suggestion

AITA for serving my guests disgusting food? + 18 Months Update

Trigger Warnings: manipulation, bigotry, possible racism

---

: November 11, 2022

I was at the butcher looking for some cheap meat to use for tacos at my housewarming party. My wife got me a kick-ass new smoker and I wanted to try it out.

The butcher mentioned that he had some beef tongue and beef cheeks. I went weak in the knees. I love those cuts of beef. So much flavour. And proper barbacoa is made from that.

So I picked it up. I prepared it the way I was taught by my grandfather. It was awesome. Smoking it makes it so tender.

I made tortillas from scratch as well.

We had our party and everyone enjoyed the food. Until my wife's brother's girlfriend asked for the recipe. I declined because it was my family recipe and I don't like to give away recipes. I have in the past and I end up getting crapped on because it doesn't taste as good and I must have sabotaged them on purpose. No Madison I didn't sabotage you. You used cinnamon powder in your chili instead of a couple of cinnamon sticks like I said.

My wife told me to please play nice and share. So I wrote out the recipe for the girl.

She immediately starts dry heaving like she is going to hurl. My brother-in-law comes over to see what's going on. She screams that I served dog food for supper.

So everyone starts asking what she means and she starts waving the recipe around and saying that beef cheeks and tongues are what she buys for dog snacks.

No one else complains. They all say she is being ridiculous and that the meal was great.

She is left there crying and being comforted by my brother-in-law.

Now she is flaming me on Facebook calling me names and saying that just because I ate peasant food growing up is no reason to feed it to others.

I feel kind of guilty because I thought I was doing a nice thing making authentic food. But I guess I might be an asshole for serving cuts of meat that Americans don't think is fit for human consumption?

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

Relevant Comments

sunfloweries:

just because I ate peasant food growing up is no reason to feed it to others

this is such a weird thing to say. where is she from? what's the socioeconomic makeup of this group of people?

OOP: I'm from Guatemala. I guess she is from Oregon, I never asked. All of us are professionals of some sort or another. My wife's family is from Portland.

OOP on everyone else who has eaten the tacos

OOP: I have eaten barbacoa tacos with everyone who was there that day. I told them up front that they were barbacoa tacos. Go look up what barbacoa is.

AryaIsWaif: NTA

Repeat this until it takes hold: "I am not responsible for others' lack of epicurean taste."

Beef cheeks are literally a delicacy. Tongue, while not specifically a delicacy, has good flavor and a unique (but not gross) texture. It isn't like you fed them tripe. Thankfully, most of them acknowledged that it tasted amazing. You don't need the one idiot in your life.

"peasant food" makes me laugh. I LOVE oxtail, but I can't afford it any more because the "foodies" have discovered it.

 

: May 18, 2024 (18 months later)

I posted a while ago about serving dog food to the woman my brother in law eventually married. Wendy hasn't changed much since then. She did shut up after she went to a few different taco places and they all told her what proper barbacoa is.

So anyway now whenever we have people over I always prepare a meal specially for her. Usually just plain unseasoned meat (other than salt and pepper, I'm not a monster) plain green salad with ranch on the side, and a plain starch like a baked potato or white rice.

I do not limit her to this food. I just always have it available in case she finds something offensive about the other food I make.

We recently hosted a dinner party that included my wife's brother and his wife. We also had some new friends over. Thea, the wife, asked if my sister in law had allergies since she was eating plain roast chicken breast with the aforementioned sides. She was worried about cross contamination since there was a lot of other food there I guess. Thea is a teacher and is hyper vigilant about food allergies.

This lead to Wendy explaining that I use cuts of meat that she did not grow up eating and that I refuse to tell her what is in the food I make.

This is a fact. I learned my lesson. I make food my friends and family enjoy. If I use an ingredient that may be against a dietary restriction I make it clear. For example if I serve pork I let everyone know. I also will answer any questions about allergens.

My sister in law says that I insist on feeding her the most bland food possible. I pointed at the salsa verde on her food and asked her if it needed more serranos.

The whole story came out and Wendy was embarrassed again. I don't think it was my fault. I have been passive aggressively been making sure she cannot complain about my cooking.

My wife says that maybe it's time to stop making a separate meal for Wendy. I said she is lucky I don't serve her dino nuggets and lunchables.

Relevant Comments

OOP responds to multiple redditors on why he might or might not choose to tell his guests what is in the food

OOP: I say if it's beef, pork, chicken, iguana (jk), or whatever. I just do not specify the cut. I have even served huitlacoche to my friends in tamales. It's a fungus like mushrooms. Americans call it corn smut. I tell them it's a fungus.

Do you tell all your guest all the ingredients in your cooking? If you make cookies with synthetic vanilla extract do you tell them it's beaver anus?

Nedstarkclash: OP, did she really call your tacos "peasant food?" I sometimes feel the reddit posts are fake because they contain such outlandish details.

OOP: Yup. My family is from the more rural part of Mexico.

petulafaerie_III:

I do not limit her to this food.

So… you’re making a meal for everyone that she’s welcome to participate in, but also preparing a second meal just for her in case she does not like the main fare? That’s incredibly thoughtful and polite of you. If she’s embarrassed about eating the special meal, she doesn’t have to eat it.

NTA

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am self employed, married, and mother to a toddler. Our child goes to daycare while we both work. My sister was taking a day off and asked me last minute to join her at a day spa. I decided to join her and a few of our friends ended up coming too! I didn’t tell my husband I was going because he gets weirdly jealous and upset and I just wanted to avoid this if I could. He was working that day and was going to pick up our daughter from daycare and take her out for dinner and see friends so I could have some time to myself. I was home before them, but he wasn’t talking to me. He found out about my day and was pissed. I understand that I didn’t tell him where I was going, but I knew he would be upset. AITA?

I (32f) have two stepchildren who are 14m and 13f and two bio children who are 4m and 2m. I don't have a very good relationship with my stepkids right now and they don't have a good relationship with their half siblings. This makes having family time together a very rough experience. It's also impossible for us all to have a good time if I take all four kids anywhere alone. It's a mess. So when my sister asked me if I'd like to have a beach weekend when my husband is out of town for work next month, I said sure. Her husband owns a beach house and she was planning to go with her kids and our mutual best friend and her kids.

My MIL did not like the plan because my stepkids will be with their mom and she feels something like this should wait until I have the kids despite the fact nobody would have fun doing this. My husband TJ supports me going and told his parents as much. I admit I'm conflicted.

For those who need BG: I met TJ 12 years ago. My stepkids were both under 3 years old. Their mother was engaged to someone at the time too; We got along fine. TJ and I got married after 2 years together. Not long after things changed with the kids' mother. Her engagement broke down sometime before TJ and I married. A while after my marriage she became very toxic and angry. She hated me most of all and accused me of trying to replace her with the kids and make her look like a bad mom. None of this is true.

This started years of alienation and an unsettled parenting time split with the courts sometimes taking custody from her, giving her every other weekend or 50/50. Currently it's 50/50. The kids are in therapy, we have all been ordered into mediation, co-parenting classes, family therapy as a group of five and therapy between TJ and the mom. She has been arrested three times which has influenced the courts rulings on custody at times. The kids believe her that I'm trying to replace her. They believe I tried to make her look bad. They hate me. When they interact with me they tell me I am not their mom and they won't do chores when only I'm home or they won't go to the store with me. My husband ended up hiring someone to help when he works. They behave way better with him except where our bio kids together are concerned. They have been punished at times for their behavior. It's not ideal. It doesn't work. They're still in therapy. I don't need them to love me. But to not get angry and lash out from my presence would be ideal. To not be cruel to their half siblings.

It's so tough finding the right balance between supporting and loving them and being here and not overstepping or inserting myself where they don't want me and making things worse. What's hardest is my husband's family believe I am better for the kids than their mom is and they encourage me to build up a mom relationship with them and they judge me for not trying to give the kids that.

So that's where we're at. WIBTA if I go with just my kids?

Op(16F), stepmom (34)

My stepmom does not discipline her kids or give them consequences, she lets them have free range.

I was over at my dad's house my grandma was over there and I wanted to see her because I hadn't seen her in a while and because she brought me treats. I don't talk to my dad or stepmom that much, only my grandmother because she's the only person I like at that house.

I have a Canon EOS R5 Camara my stepdad gave me for my birthday, he told me to take good care of it because it was like $6,399⁰⁰. I took my camera over to my dad's house to show my grandma the pictures I took because she's into photography too.

All was going well until my stepmom's kids came home from school, her 7-year-old was making so much noise, that she brought out all her toys in the living not even respecting others' space. My stepmom was in the kitchen cooking, I had ordered food because I don't like her cooking and she doesn't make me food anyway.

When the food came I took it from the drive, mind you my camera is still on the couch, that's how my camera broke. Some might say I overreacted but I don't think I did, I literally had a meltdown, and I yelled at my step-sister for what she did. I already knew my stepmom wouldn't care because her daughter broke many of my things in the past but never replaced it. She doesn't like me or like me there so she probably was happy that my camera broke.

My stepmom came storming in saying I shouldn't yell at her daughter, I showed her the damage and she said I better buy back one but that wasn't enough. I told her if she didn't pay I will file a police report but she said their not in a good financial situation right now but I was too pissed off to care. My step sister broke it pretty badly, my lens are broken onto pieces and it came off.

I told my dad if they could just pay back for the damage but they said no because it's not that serious so I should stop acting like a baby over a Camara, I guess I was overreacting.

My step sister was laughing and my stepmom had a smirk on her face when my dad said they wouldn't be paying for anything, to say I was the first child and get treated like a stranger, that's the last time I will go back over there. I told my mom and she said he will have to pay for the damage to replace it.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

- 18th May 2024

- 23rd May 2024

I caught my husband cheating on me with his stepsister...

I just need a place to let this out.

Last week, I (29F) caught my husband Jack (30M) cheating on me with his stepsister Claire (24F).

I went out with a friend last Saturday and planned to stay at her house. Jack didn't want to be alone all night, so he said he'd just go hangout with his stepsister (they've always been close), and they ended up going to a bar.

I was feeling unwell and just wanted my bed, so I decided to get an Uber and head home.

I was not expecting to walk in on them having sex on the couch... I literally threw up on the floor by the front door.

They told me they were drunk and it just kinda happened. I screamed at them both to leave. Jack refused to leave and refused to sleep on the couch, so I ended up leaving anyways and went back to my friend's.

I am still in shock that he actually slept with Claire. I think I'm gonna file for a divorce. I am so overwhelmed and uncomfortable.

Has anyone else gone through this? Please message me if so, I feel very alone and confused. Also, do I tell their parents that's why we're gonna get a divorce?! I've been isolating myself a lot because of this.

Comments

colliewolliee

Wow. I am so sorry OP. Definitely tell their parents.

I’m curious, how long have they been step siblings?

OOP: Their parents got married when he was 10 and she was 4... It makes me kinda sick that they've been in each other's lives since they were young and could actually do this. They've always said they consider themselves as full siblings, so this is really disturbing.

mgck4

They probably said that to throw you off. Sorry, they’ve probably been doing this for a very long time.

I-AcceptYouAll

omg yes.

OP, Tell EVERYONE exactly why you ARE filing for divorce. Don’t say “I think I’m going to file for divorce”, DO IT. This is beyond disgusting to me too, the ages they came into each other’s lives is too damn young, might as well really be full siblings. They’re nasty ass people. Drinking is not an excuse.

Update - 5 days later

I wanted more information on how long it’s been going on and at what age it started, so I decided to text Claire. I told her I wouldn’t tell anyone if she answered my questions. She agreed to tell me everything.

I asked her when they first had sex. At first she told me it was their first time, but I told her I’m not believing that, she then confessed that their first time was right before she turned 18… I am so disgusted and extremely concerned.

Then I asked her if it’s still been happening since then, and she said no. She explained that they did it when she was 17, and never did it again until last week. I don’t think I can trust her though. Idk.

She also told me that Jack is the one who initiated sex, but who knows if that’s the truth, it very well could be though.

Jack and I have been together for 5 years (married for 2). We were gonna start trying for a baby soon, so I’m crushed. I wasted so many years of my life with this man, idk who he even is right now.

I lied to Claire though. I 100% planned on telling their parents. Some of you say that it would be wrong to do so, but because it happened when she was 17, I felt like they needed to know, and deal with it however they choose.

They didn’t believe me at first, until I showed them the screenshots of mine and Claire’s conversation. They still seem to be in denial a little bit, I don’t blame them though.

I told them I’m filing for divorce and that I am moving on with my life. They gave me a hug and said they’d speak to both of them, but I told my MIL that I didn’t wanna know anything else, and to please let me live in peace. She’s gonna respect that.

I more than likely won’t have more updates, but I wanted everyone to know that I’m for sure getting a divorce and gonna find a therapist because I’m depressed and need the support to move on.

Thank you to everyone who was kind and gave me advice and support.

Comments

Actual-Offer-127

Good luck to you! I wish you nothing but the best. Does stbx feel any remorse at all?

OOP: Nope. He’s being very cold towards me and refuses to leave the house so I’ve been staying with my friend.

mak_zaddy

Do you both own the house? Of course he’s cold because his secret is out. Tell everyone honestly.

OOP: Yes, we both own the house unfortunately so that’s just something else we gotta figure out, this is so annoying and awful to go through, I hate this.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to &

AITA for giving my daughter a breakdown of what it cost to raise her when she asked me for her university funds?

Trigger Warnings: accusations of sexual abuse of a minor, manipulation, false accusations, entitlement, defamation

---

: May 17, 2024

My daughter Ava was a handful growing up. Her dad passed away when she was 5 and even with therapy she was a very angry child.

I still love her very much. She is my daughter and I would do anything for her that I can. Her dad didn't have a lot of insurance but enough to pay off a small house and set aside an emergency fund and top up my daughter's 529 education fund. I kept adding to it over the years. Not much but as I could.

When she was 11 I met and married my husband. I thought Ava was okay with it. She never brought up any problems to me or in our therapy sessions.

She was not. When she was 13 she accused him of something inappropriate. I called the cops immediately. He was arrested and he lost his job. He was innocent. She did it to get rid of him.

We divorced.

I was obviously heartbroken. I did my best not to take it out on her. I did punish her. She started acting out. She got expelled from school. Then another.

I ended up having to send her to a private school. Even with a voucher it was expensive. It worked though. She is graduating this year with honors and a scholarship.

She asked me about the money in her account. I said it was all gone. She got very upset because her scholarship won't cover all costs. Even with financial aid she will still be paying a fair amount.

I said I would cosign a student loan for what she needs. She said that she wanted to know where the money went that I wasted.

So I got out a pen and paper and wrote it all down.

The cost of my divorce. The rising cost of living that I paid for by myself since I didn't have a partner. Her tuition and fees for private school.

By the end she was crying and saying that I was blaming her for everything. I never have. I did punish her for the trouble she caused with my ex but I think that was reasonable.

She is upset that she will have to take out a loan. I also made it very clear that I would not be responsible for paying it back.

She thinks I'm being cruel by saying that she is responsible for stupid things she did as a child. I'm not. But I cannot pull the money I had to spend because of her out of my ass.

VERDICT: REMOVED BEFORE VERDICT RENDERED

BASED ON TOP COMMENTS, OOP WAS NTA

Relevant Comments

Dante2377: this is a tough situation. seems NTA.

BUT "I also made it very clear that I would not be responsible for paying it back." - IF you co-sign a loan, you are indeed legally responsible for paying it back if your daughter cannot or chooses not to. That's how loans work. If you're not comfortable with that, that's a different conversation to have with her.

and a 13-year old lying about someone molesting her and ruining his life is "not a stupid thing she did as a child". Yes it was stupid, but that's literally malicious and cruel.

OOP: I understand that I would be legally responsible. I will not pay if she is able. Not one cent.

DontAskMeChit: NTA. I'm sorry for your ex, I hope he has recovered from the lie and is doing well.

She asked what happened to the money and you showed her. There are consequences and she is now facing them.

Unfortunately, no matter what you do, she will find a way to blame you. Try to get her back into counseling if she agrees. Just know you did nothing wrong, and take care of yourself as well.

 

: May 18, 2024

Thank you all for your comments. Even the ones where you called me a raving bitch for calling the cops after my daughter's allegations.

First

My ex was completely cleared. He was never home at the times she alleged the SA. We have security cameras in my house. There are exactly zero videos of him entering her room or being inappropriate with her in the common areas. I have already commented on the other evidence that got the charges against my ex dropped. She admitted the truth and said that she was doing it to get him out of our house. He is doing okay now. He has a new job and he and I still talk. Her excuse was that she didn't think I would immediately call the cops. She thought I would just kick him out since it is my house. She felt trapped and like she couldn't back down. She has never apologized to him. She has been in therapy since she was five. Both on her own and with me. To my knowledge she never mentioned anything about SA to her therapist. And they are mandatory reporters.

Second.

I told her that I will not be cosigning her loans. I told her that I will be backing her up and doing my best to make sure that she does not default but I am not risking my home or my future for her.

She fully understands now where her savings went. She is upset with herself mostly now. She realizes that the private school was my last choice. And only necessary because of choices she made.

Thank you all for your help.

Third.

Since I do not care about karma I will be giving this account to either or tomorrow.

They are welcome to delete the posts or sell the account for the $.59 it is worth.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in .

Light post

Mood Spoiler: tentatively happy ending

Original : May 17, 2024

My wife (39f) and I (36f) have a daughter (technically my stepdaughter but I’ve raised her since she was 5) (19f) from a previous relationship of my wife’s (her father is not in the picture) who has come back home after her first year at uni. She’s picked up a new (and problematic) issue since she was last home for an extended period of time, surrounding laundry.

Basically, she has established a “boundary” where nobody is to touch her clothes. Her reasoning is that she’s concerned something will go missing/get damaged, thinks it’s just gross for us to go through her stuff, and is an adult who deserves privacy. All fine, we have 3 young children in our home (9f, 9f and 2m) so plenty of washing to keep us entertained.

The issue is that she has a habit of monopolising washing facilities to the extent where we’re effectively prevented from being able to get any other laundry done. For example, last weekend she put a wash in before work and hung it out on the line at around 11am. She then left for work (12pm-10pm) - her wash was dry within an hour, and obviously she wasn’t going to be back all day. We had a few days worth of washing to get through, so my wife (her mum) took everything off the line and folded it. We got through 5 other loads that day.

She was NOT happy when she got home, and said that she’d been very clear that we weren’t to touch her things. When we explained the situation above, she said it was “first come, first served” (not something we’ve ever said) and that since the next day was due to be nice also, we should’ve just waited to get through it the next day. That really pissed us off.

We’ve offered her a weekly laundry day, where we’ll avoid using the machines so she can have freedom to do as she pleases on that day, but she said once a week won’t cut it. Fair enough, but there are 5 other people in the house that need clean clothes/bedding/towels. Other than that all we can really suggest is that she keeps on top of her washing. If she’s at home we’ll ask her to clear her clothes from the machine/dryer/washing line as needed, but like any 19 year old she has a social life/work commitments and is often busy.

She’s upset because she says we’re not respecting her boundaries, whereas we’ve pointed out that while “don’t move my clothes” is objectively reasonable, it’s not fair for her to do so at the inconvenience of everyone else in our home. Essentially the last conversation we had ended up with her in tears because we said as long as situations like Saturday keep occurring, we’ll continue to move her stuff. Just FYI, we do fold her clothes carefully, and leave them in a basket in a communal living area so they’re kept together, in good condition, and we’re not going in and out of her room.

We normally have a good relationship with her, so this is all a bit unusual. We’ve asked her if everything else is okay, and she says yes and seems otherwise normal in and of herself, and she’s normally reasonable so - are we being unreasonable?

EDIT: So the consensus is pretty much that we’re right, and our daughter is being massively unreasonable, and that we’re being pushovers for not being tougher on her from the off. We‘ve shown her the comments, and unfortunately she’s still insisting that we’re the unreasonable ones.

We’d never considered the local laundromat, and have banned her from using our washing machine for the next fortnight given she’s still unwilling to adjust. She‘a absolutely FURIOUS, and wife has ordered a lock for the washroom door to enforce the 2 week rule. Hopefully a couple of weeks hauling her stuff to and from will help her see the light. Thanks very much all!!

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: It seems as if she getting "boundary" and "royal edict" confused, because it is quite obvious this girl thinks she's a princess.

When you live with 5 other people, especially small children that can go through a department store's worth of clothes in a day, you don't get to monopolize the laundry facilities. The next time she leaves her laundry on the line and leaves for a 10 hour shift, I would be tempted to pull out the leaf blower, blow all of the clothes off the line, and blame it on the wind.

OOP: Yeah this is what’s really bothering us - the kids can go through SO MUCH STUFF! It’s a really stressful time for everyone as we have temporary custody of SILs son, the 2m, (no fault of her own) so we’re all adjusting and really don’t need this - I’d forgotten how much toddlers get through!!

Commenter: Girly is missing the part of boundaries where it's meant to be "if you do x, I will respond with y". What is her response other than pitching a hissy fit? That's not constructive for anyone.

Moms [editor's note- this was edited by the commenter, but originally the commenter had 'mom and dad'] need to come back with their own boundary - a real one. No one in the house leaves their stuff in the machine/on the line for more than 1 hour past when it's done/dry. If they do, any other member of the household may move the items in order to do their own washing. It follow the 'if x, then y' format with a perfectly reasonable consequence that applies to everyone in the house. It means that even if the parents leave their washing too long, the daughter can move theirs too. I have this rule in my house & it only needed to be crossed once before my roommate figured out I was serious (and that I set alarms when doing my own laundry so I never run afoul of my own rule).

OOP: 100!!! I have explained that this is not a boundary, rather a rule she’s asking us to follow (re our own washer!) but she’s not getting it. 

For now, the washroom ban is in effect, and hopefully she’ll be more amenable after realising that being aware of others is easier than going to a laundrette. 

Also - sorry - but my wife and I are both women haha, 2 mums!

Commenter: What did she do at uni?  Those are almost always shared machines.

OOP: I have NO idea and she’s pretty cagey about it - as the commenter below said, we’re thinking maybe she’s so sore about it because she’s had a few instances of having her stuff dumped out and it’s made her really agitated about it.

Commenter: NTA but if she is crying about this boundary and is advocating so fiercely for it, I imagine something happened regarding her laundry and she is feeling vulnerable.

As an example, the first time I lived on my own, someone I did not know went through my clothing and picked out all of my dirty underwear (they left it in a pile in my room that i never wouldve made). I felt so violated and had no idea who did it or why, and I felt extremely sexualized and vulnerable. All I can imagine is someone looked closely enough at my clean and dirty piles to figure out what underwear was dirty. Did they sniff it? Did they steal some? Did they jack off to it?

OOP: I’ve actually discussed this with her, as something similar happened to me at uni and it really stuck with me. She said no, and I asked her what happened when she left her laundry laying around at uni - little/no response. I think it’s more likely she’s had her things dumped out on the floor or something and is pushing back at us out of frustration. I’m not against therapy, and our 2 younger daughters are actually in therapy now, but I’m not seeing any major trauma here. Thanks for the insight though as it’s really valuable.

OOP (to another commenter asking her if something happened): I cannot stress enough how many conversations we have had about this. Has something happened? Is everything else okay? Is there something she’s worried about? Etc. By no means is this a knee jerk reaction - it’s been almost a month of this and we’re sick of being lectured for using our own washing/drying facilities!

Commenter: INFO: Who washes clothes that often? Does she have like 2 outfits? Is it a germ thing? Is it a safety thing? Seems like odd random behavior to have. Makes me think there's a larger issue.

OOP: I mean she usually does about 3 loads a week, but between bedding/darks/whites I don’t think that’s crazy. 

I think we’re definitely in a difficult place now because we’re already under a lot of stress (2m is not ours, but SILs who we have temporary custody of) and it might be that we went a bit far tonight. I’m a bit at the end of my rope with solutions I guess as it’s just so maddeningly unreasonable!!

OOP (to a different commenter): Zero other signs of OCD - her personal hygiene habits haven’t changed, no other new quirks etc. Just this issue. Thanks though!

One more thought from OOP to a long comment:

Yeah I totally appreciate that she’s somewhat flexing her muscles as a new adult on this, and part of what we’re trying to reiterate is that we’re not treating her like a child by wanting her to be more amenable with this. If my wife was regularly leaving loads in the machine and snapping at me for moving them, I’d have a problem with that too - it’s not a parent/child thing, way more of an adult/adult situation.

Update (Same Post): May 18, 2024 (Next Day)

EDIT 2: A slightly calmer update this morning. Our daughter came to talk to us, and apologised for the situation. She said she had found the transition back home hard (I get that) and had maybe become a bit territorial over her stuff while at uni. All okay. She then asked if she could please have a laundry day, and be allowed to use the machine. Her place of work is closed Mondays, so that’s now “her” day, and we’ve said that she can use the machine on other days - but if by 7am Tuesday there’s anything in the way (or any issues on any other days!) we’ll be moving her stuff. A genuine sorry goes a long way with us, and while the advice has been to hold firm, we don’t really want an issue if the situation can be resolved calmly. We’ve also made it clear that if her things DO have to be moved on any day (other than Monday which is totally hers) and we get ANY grief about it, we’ll go back to a 2 week ban and there’s no going back.

Maybe a less satisfying update than the last one, but we’re happy we can resolve the problem calmly. She did mention she’d read through some of these comments last night, so thank you to everyone that weighed in.

Editor's note: Marked as concluded since Monday has passed and we haven't gotten an update saying things haven't gone well!

I (F30s) have been with my husband (M30s) for 5 years. Recently in the last year he has started a new job position, where his role is shared with his co-worker, Chelsea (F20s). I’ve noticed that his co-worker, “Chelsea”, has increasingly pushed my limits of comfortability and I frankly just don’t trust her. I’ve known Chelsea and her family for years prior to my marriage and I wasn’t keen on her then either. She does and says strange things that I don’t believe are malicious, but it’s almost like she wants to be a second wife to him? I don’t feel insecure about her but I feel creeped out. She’s shared with me that she sees my husband as like her brother. Which irks me because she has an awesome brother…and I’m friends with her brother. She often calls, texts, and facetimes about work related and unrelated topics and I’ve heard someone refer to her as his “work wife”. Unfortunately, my MIL passed last month, and it has been utter hell. In the midst of grief, Chelsea texted asking how my husband was doing and how she “cries every day thinking about him” and had told me that she knows exactly what I’m going through (no she doesn’t) and that she can’t wait to give my husband a huge hug. Fast forward a little bit and she was drunk at a party and saw my husband leaving, where she confronted him on why he was leaving. He told her “I didn’t think I had to tell you what I’m doing”, resulting in her panic texting him after to make sure they were okay and trying to get him to talk to her by saying, “you can open up and talk to me or vent or just tell me to stfu”. Strange to me. Theres been more instances but I know I have a limit. Anyways, his birthday was last week and she called him asking his shirt size and she made it a point to let him know she’ll never forget his birthday. Like why are you so creepy sometimes gf.

Yesterday, I’m cleaning the kitchen when he walks in and I notice it’s an unfamiliar shirt. I asked if it was new and he said “Chelsea got it for me” and my blood boiled. Instant rage and I went quiet. He asked if I cared and I remained silent and walked away. I’m usually a huge communicator, but his mom just passed and he asked for no drama, and I’m trying my hardest to respect that, but I know I have zero patience and want to tell him it’s effing weird how involved a coworker is trying to become in his life and she needs to back down and focus on her own engagement. Everyone I talk to says I’m not in the wrong and she’s being creepy, but I feel bad for ignoring my husband and walking away from him. I saw he looked upset and confused, but I know he’s already overwhelmed with grief and don’t want to make things worse. So, AITAH?

This happened at like 4am today after i was out clubbing with some friends. Long story short we were all heavily drinking for a friend's 21st birthday and things got out of hand, we had someone planning to DD but they also started drinking so we had to take an uber home. There was a group of 6 of us but there were no options for a vehicle with enough seats so we had to get 2, it was me and a friend named chloe in one car then the rest in the other.

The part where I fucked up was putting in a completely different address and not double checking it with the host, keep in mind all of us were supposed to go back to the same house. Finally he dropped us off at what i thought was the host's house.

At this point i don't remember much but apparently we walked right in and fell asleep on the couch, i don't even recall what the house looked like we just walked right in and went to sleep. Next thing i know i woke up to a woman screaming and telling us she's gonna call the cops. I was still blackout drunk and couldn't understand what was going but i remember her on the phone looking like he was talking with the police.

It took every ounce of focus to get my shit together and figure out what was going on, finally i realized we were in some random woman's house. I panicked and pulled chloe up then walked us both outside. Now we were in the middle of the street while she was still screaming at us from the house swearing. My phone was dead and chloe was half asleep. I someone got her to tell me the PIN to her phone and ordered another uber as fast as possible.

We got away just before the cops came and we ended up going to chloe's house because we still couldn't find their address. I'm freaking out because what if they have cameras and got our face. Ffs im never drinking again.

TL;DR: Me and a friend got extremely drunk and ordered an uber to the wrong house. We walked right in and slept on the couch then woke up to the homeowner screaming at us and calling the police. We managed to leave before the cops showed up but i'm never doing some stupid shit like this again

My boss and coworkers keep giving me plants

Originally posted to Ask A Manager

  Sept 9, 2021

This is a fairly low stakes question, but I don’t know what to do. About two years ago, my team (boss and coworkers) gave me an orchid when a family member died.

I can’t keep plants alive to save my life. I did everything I could, including watching YouTube tutorials about plant care, and it died a month in. Since then, I’ve been gifted five other plants (four pre-Covid) by various coworkers and my boss. After the first one died, I’ve made many jokes about how I’m like the kiss of death to plants, yet they continue.

Last week, I was given a cactus that is now also on its way to death. It doesn’t help that I’m in a cube with no access to direct sunlight.

Short of not accepting the plants, how can I get them to save the plants by not giving them to me?

  Nov 30, 2023

My question was low stakes, and my update is as well. To answer your question on why everyone was giving me plants, my boss and most of my team were all middle-aged women who just really love plants. My boss had a garden of plants in her office, and I think assumed that since they brought her joy that they’d bring everyone joy. Her love of plants rubbed off on the team. Plus, in many situations they’re easy to give as gifts, especially in a situation like mine: I have several severe food allergies and intolerances, so when people would normally get a cake or something, I got plants.

My plant killing days are behind me now. Due to reasons entirely separate from the plants, I left the old job in mid-2022. Before I left (and with a lot of help), I kept a succulent alive long enough that it had many plant babies. I repotted those and gave one to each team member on my last day, which they all loved. The original plant died a week after I left, in a surprise to no one.

At my new job, my coworkers asked if I wanted a plant early on for my desk. I told them “only if they want to watch the plant die over the course of a few weeks” and they laughed and never asked again. I admire my coworkers plants from a distance, and I decorate my desk with pictures of my dog.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Hi everyone. I need a second opinion badly.

So, I’m 28, husband is 27, his parents are in their early 50s, late 40s. Husband and I have two kids under 10.

Straight to the point, my daughter came home from her grandparents’ place recently with a new toy. It was expensive, in laws are not that rich, and they’re super stingy. I questioned her and she told me that “grandma and grandpa’s special friend got it for me.” Instant red flag. Questioned my son, same thing. Went to my husband and he suddenly was very quiet.

I pressed and learned that his parents have an open relationship. I didn’t get many details since he was embarrassed and ashamed of the fact, but I blew up. I have no idea who this “special friend” is. When I take my kids over to the in laws they’re there to see their grandparents. Not their grandparents’ “special friend.” The fact that they let my kids around them was more than enough for me to go full momma bear mode.

I fought with my husband that night about keeping that from me. Keeping that from me was HUGE in my eyes. He let our children go over there knowing his parents were up to stuff. He claimed that it wasn’t his business, so it shouldn’t be mine either. I said that our kids were exposed to strangers so yes, it is my business and it should be his too. We didn’t reach an agreement.

I found out through my kids that almost every time they go over there’s someone new around. Sometimes the in laws even LEAVE and let their “friends” watch my children. I felt sick. I called my MIL and cussed her out. My children are not seeing their grandparents for the foreseeable future and my husband is angry with me. In laws too, but I’m so angry I can’t interact with them. I might go to prison if I do.

I want to divorce my husband. He’s been angry, pleading, begging, yelling at me, crying, getting me gifts, everything. He says I’m throwing everything away over something his parents did, so why punish him and the kids? Why break up a happy family? My friends are saying that I’m overreacting, my husband’s friends are calling me an asshole, and the only person on my side is my mom. My parents are fighting too because my mom sided with me.

I don’t think I’m wrong but the kids miss their grandparents and liked their “friends” because they always brought them gifts and played with them. I don’t trust this. I feel like I’m going crazy. Am I overreacting? I’m in the guest room spiraling.

AITA for wanting to divorce? Please help.

EDIT IMPORTANT INFO: My husband says that he has has known about his parents’ openness since he was a kid. He claims that his parents had no idea that he even knew, including now, but I don’t believe that. He said that it was never his business, he was embarrassed, and he had no idea that his parents were still doing this. Claims he didn’t know that they were bringing them around the kids too. I don’t buy it at all. If they did that when he was a kid, why stop with ours?

Forgot to add it since I’m not thinking well. Just word dumped. This is also why I want the divorce. I believe that he knew all along but neglected to tell me. That key piece of information is what’s really doing it for me. I need to calm down again before I can properly address anything. Reading some of the comments I can see that I’m still in angry shock mode and I can’t make good decisions like this.

Thank you for the help so far.

My wife and I met 20 years ago when we were 22 and 25, respectively. Back then, we looked the same age, but now at 45, I look like I'm in my mid-50s, while at 42, my wife looks like she's in her late 20s.

We have lived in the same neighborhood since we got married, but we recently had to move and change our kids' school.

So, nothing prepared me for how incredibly awkward it would be to enroll our kids in a new school and get to know new neighbors when I look like I'm in my 50s, my wife looks like she's in her late 20s, and our kids are both teenagers.

It's one thing for people to assume I have a controversially young wife when it's just the two of us; I couldn't care less. But it's another when I have to introduce our children, because if they think my wife is around 28, it would make me seem like a creep who got an underage girl pregnant.

I asked my wife if she could start mentioning her age when we introduce ourselves, but she said I'm being ridiculous and that it would be incredibly awkward for her to do so.

I don't think it's ridiculous to want to avoid being labeled a creep.

WIBTA if I insist after she said no?

My husband (42m) is a teacher. He is pretty popular with his students and other teachers because he's a straight up guy who likes to rip out a dad joke. You can't get through the supermarket without him stopping to speak to an ex student or 5!

He would be best described as Dad bod handsome and is really friendly to everyone. But he is sincerely clueless when women are hitting on him - so I feel very secure in our relationship!

One night he was at a function when an admin woman from his school starting coming on to him hard. Hard enough for even him to realise. She was very aware he was married (as was she!) and she got super drunk, pestering him so much that he literally had to tell her to just leave him alone. He felt very uncomfortable and told me about it the next day.

I suggested he make a complaint about her - that he didn't have to made uncomfortable in his own workplace. But lo and behold - the next work day she proclaimed loudly to anyone that would listen that she was just so drunk that she couldn't remember a thing from the night! Convenient.

I actually felt a bit sorry for her. She was obviously not happy in her relationship and had embarrassed herself in front of her peers. Still, hand off bitch!!

Anyway, fast forward a year or so, she changed schools. Our eldest daughter was starting there and we went to a meet the teacher advisory night. There were two women at desks helping to direct you to the right TA.

On the way out I realised that one of the women on the desks was the same woman who had hit on my husband.

I waved to the first woman who had directed us and said 'thanks!' - then, as we walked past the second desk I said 'thanks!' and looked straight at her - lingering my gaze slightly. I saw her comprehend who I was as she was saying 'bye' - and then bowed her head.

I knew that she knew that I knew that she tanked while trying to hit up my husband. Petty, momentary and glorious.

I am not The OOP, OOP is

Wife poachers in the lifestyle

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: Manipulation

  May 2, 2024

We went to a lifestyle event and met up with a couple that introduced us to the lifestyle. We’ve played with them on about 3 occasions and it’s been all girl-girl while the male half’s play with their own… very minimal interaction between male and female from the other couple. They kept telling us they understood we were not looking for a full swap and that we did not intend on going beyond what we had already done. While we were at the event (5 nights at a lifestyle friendly resort) we spent a lot of time with them and a few other couples. On one night right before dinner I overheard the wife telling another couple that she couldn’t wait to see her husband fucking my wife. I asked what she said and she quickly back tracked and changed her statement to “my fantasy is to see you and my husband tag teaming your wife”. I brushed it off and moved along. After dinner I pulled her asaid and reminded her that what she wanted was not our dynamic. She said “oh I know don’t worry. I was just playing… but wouldn’t you want to see it happen” I reiterate that it’s not where my wife and I are at in our journey.

Later in the night we were at the night club in a group of about 4-5 couples. I stepped away from the group to grab some shots at the bar and when I came back that couple had my wife pulled in close. This was nothing new and I didn’t think much of it so I started talking with the rest of the group. Then I see that the other wife pushed my wife into her husband as to make them kiss and then she jumped in to set up a 3 way kiss. It didn’t last very long at all because my wife pulled back and walked away. It bothered me because it felt a little sneaky on their end to pull my wife in while I was away from the group (before anyone tells me it’s my wife’s responsibility to stay within our rules, she knows that and we have already discussed her wrong doing and role in this situation) we have known this couple for about a year and they always seemed so respectful and understanding that while it bothered me I didn’t want to make a big deal. I told my wife, she apologized and I said I’m going to the bathroom… I need a second. She stayed with the rest of the group.

When I got back the couple that pulled her in said they were tired and wanted to go to bed, we said bye and they left. My wife then tells me… as soon as you walked away they came to ask if you got upset at them, she told them I was bothered that they pulled her in for a kiss while I was away from the group. And that I just wondered if it was bad timing or if it was done on purpose.

The other couple’s response to her was, if he is already mad at you don’t let him fuck up your night, just come hang out in our room. We can listen to music and have a few more drinks. My wife said absolutely not and they told her that she would be ok and that I was probably just picking a fight so I can go hookup with another woman.

Obviously at this point I started to think back on the whole situation and found so many red flags I missed along the way…..

1. His wife always felt stand offish when we all hung out. She was never flirty with any other guy

2. Kept telling my wife that she would love getting fucked by another guy

3. Repeatedly asked if I was ok if my wife played with another guy

4. What situation would I prefer, my wife fucking a guy I know or a complete stranger

5. He made several comments to my wife about wanting to fuck her.

6. His wife would only be flirty with my when they were inviting us out to hang out but when we would see each other her demeanor would change.

7. There is another couple they played with that all of a sudden stopped coming around. In that couple we always saw the wife kissing and flirting with this husband but this wife never showed any playfulness towards the other husband.

Am I looking at this wrong? Should I not feel like they were trying to pull my wife away?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Chemical-Ad1978

There's a lot wrong here but the part where they tried to turn your wife against you is super fucked up. Those people are complete trash and should be outed as such. They broke boundaries which you had clearly set and then used you being upset (which was totally valid) to try to get your wife back to their room by baselessly claiming you were probably trying to fuck another woman. Glad you and your wife stood your ground here, but people like that suck. The worst part is no one probably knows how shitty they are because they put on such a nice persona. I'd steer clear of them and probably anyone they call friends.

OOP

I spoke to a couple we met through them and shared what happened.. the wife from that couple told us that they’ve never played with them because something has always felt a little off. They never had a bad experience with them, but it’s probably because they’ve never played with them.

OOP When told his wife played it right

I think she allowed herself to be placed in a tricky situation.. when the other wife told her to kiss the husband while I was away we feel after talking that she should have said “let’s wait for him to get back with the drinks so we can get okay started and maybe head back to the room” but she didn’t do that. She was told to kiss the husband and she went for it. When it turned into the 3 way she allowed it for a couple seconds “to not be rude” and then backed up and walked over to me.

Her reaction to the situation was the right one. But she could have avoided it all together.

I told her that I don’t hold it against her, I was bothered with the situation and just wanted her to understand that we can’t hold things like that against each other. Mistakes will be made specially since we are still new to the LS so we need to learn and grow from them.

OOP explaining poachers

I’ll agree with you on the fact that people do things out of their own free will. However, poachers are those who attempt to pull a couple apart using dishonest tricks and manipulation. They pry on couples and earn their trust when knowing their goal is not inline with what that couple has said they are comfortable with.

Had my wife decide she wanted to go along with their game then it would not be an issue about them but an issue within my relationship.

  May 17, 2024

Update to this post

This couple has reached out to us quite often since we last dealt with them. After letting go by and allowing myself to calm down, I finally decided to respond to them and let them know why we have been avoiding them and would no longer see them again.

I explained how wrong it was of them to do what they did and that my wife and I care more about our own relationship then making somebody else’s fantasies come true the husband tried to explain that it was not their intention to drive a wedge between us and that they offered her to go back to the room it was not sexual, but to make sure she didn’t feel like she done something wrong. he tried to tell me that he considered me a good friend and he would never do anything on purpose to hurt me or upset me. He kept asking for us to meet so we can try to clear the air, but they wanted to treat us to dinner and talk things out.

First responded very defensive and said that we were the ones in the wrong for insinuating that they tried to come between us y to come between us. She then called me the next day (which is weird because we never talk one on one) she started apologizing and telling me that the only reason they tried to pull her in while I wasn’t there was to see if they can get her to loosen up so that the four of us can go back to the room for playtime. She kept telling me how intimate she was and that she didn’t want our friendship to end. The only thing she was trying to accomplish was for my wife to finally let go of her inhibition and allow the four of us to swap because she like my wife wants that but is holding herself back because of me. She tried to assure me that she had every intention on making it a full swap situation, and that she wishes my wife wouldn’t have walked away, and that I would have joined them so that the four of us could have started, kissing, touching and going back to the room.

I let her get everything off her chest and then told her that she was full of shit. That was truly what she wanted, it was still wrong because we made it clear. We were not looking for a full swap. Her goal was to convince my wife for the four of us to full swap. It should have been done with a conversation between the four of us and not a plan that her and her husband came up with to attack my wife while I was not there.

At the end, I told him not to reach out to us anymore because their invitations were going to fall on deaf ears. We have sense blocked them on social media and block their numbers so they don’t reach out to us again..

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Behind my back, her dad (stbx) found her keys, helped her pack the car and tried to get her on the road before I got home from work. My Ring doorbell kept alerting me so I eventually saw what was going on. I rushed home from work, blocked her car with my suv, and called the cops. Before they could get there, he jumps into my car, fights me to turn off my car and was able to prevent me from blocking her. My arm got scraped in the process of him fighting to turn off my car. Ultimately he overpowered me and she was able to drive off. The cops were too late and off she went, 6 hours away to college, with her car.

I wasn't really injured so I declined to press charges against him but I demanded that he leave, and told him that our marriage is over. He's now staying elsewhere for an indefinite period of time.

She's planning to go to AA, therapy, group meetings, get an accountability partner, a breathalyzer and an ignition interlock. I hope she does all those things. I just wanted her to do them without her car bc I don't trust her.

Sadly, her dad and I are not on the same page. I feel incredibly betrayed by him for doing all this behind my back, for not communicating with me about his intentions to give her the car back, and for letting her have the car back despite all the evidence showing that she can't be trusted with it.

He says I'm overreacting, that they have a plan and that he trusts her. I don't. I think he's a coward and I pray that his cowardice and stupidity doesn't get her or anyone else killed.

Also wondering how to go about trying to stop someone from driving drunk when you're not physically with the potential drunk driver. Do the police actually do anything about it if you call them?

FIRST POST: Two days ago, my 20 yr old daughter drove drunk to get herself some food. I was working in the backyard and thought she was inside watching golf with her dad. When I realized she had driven after drinking that afternoon, I immediately got in my car, picked her up, and drove her home. She is supposed to be returning to college any day now to start an internship there and I am adamant that she cannot have the car anymore until she earns my trust back. She can fly back to college and once there take lyft, ubers, public transportation, whatever, just not her car, which is actually NOT HER CAR AS IT WAS PURCHASED FOR HER BY HER DAD.

Problem is that her dad disagrees with me and wants her to have the car back. This is the same guy who called her while she was out driving drunk and all he did was tell her to "get home safely". He'd been drinking that afternoon and was also in no condition to drive.

She says she doesn't really remember what she said in the car after I picked her up, further indication as to her level of intoxication. AITAH for fighting her dad to not let her take her car back to college after this?

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . They posted in and

Trigger Warning: emotional abuse

Mood Spoiler: happy ending

Background : October 10, 2022

My (nb24) family is notorious for making plans at the last second and then getting mad when I can’t join. The most recent example was them knowing well in advance that a family member would be in town, not telling me about it, and then asking me to dinner with all of them ten minutes before they ate. I was busy with friends and didn’t see the text until hours later. The family member left town the next morning, which they also didn’t tell me, so I missed out on seeing them. Does anyone else deal with stuff like this or am I overreacting?

Relevant Comment:

Commenter: If you want to see that family member, reach out to them, apologize for missing them, and plan a trip to their city to go visit. Pay your own way.

OOP: That’s my plan for this weekend. It’s less about missing my favorite family member while they were in town and more about the fact that everyone knew they were coming and I asked multiple times when it was, but they didn’t tell me until they knew I was busy and expected me to change plans I’d had for months

Original : January 19, 2023 (3 months later)

My fiancé and I recently got engaged, and when looking at dates we realized our anniversary falls on a Saturday this year. Perfect right? We immediately start planning because it’s approximately 9 months out and we have to move quick to pull a wedding together. We told everyone the potential date this weekend and all seemed well.

Monday I get a phone call from my father. He insists that I move the date because my mother has a yoga retreat that weekend. I tell him that this date means a lot to me and I would prefer to keep it if there is any way to move the retreat. There is, but it’s expensive. I offer to pay for this change out of my wedding budget, essentially halving the amount that I can spend on the most important event of my life.

Yesterday I was told that they would not be taking my offer to pay to move the retreat and that we’re expected to move the wedding instead. I haven’t put money on my venue yet, so they think I should be fine with giving up the chance to marry on a date that means a lot to me. It became a massive fight, and now my parents and I aren’t speaking. My father accused me of caring about a date more than I care about my mother. I told him that it felt as though they were choosing yoga over their own daughter.

TLDR: wedding falls on the same day as moms yoga retreat. I haven’t put money down on the date yet and she has, but it means more to me than to her. Offers to pay to move the retreat were turned down. WIBTA if I keep my date and say that it’s me or the retreat?

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: NTA. Your parents are being absurdly self-centered. The polite thing for them to do would be to reschedule or cancel the retreat without ever telling you so as not to impinge on your wedding planning excitement.

Just to make sure, because this is honestly so over-the-top it’s baffling to me - is your mom attending the retreat, or is she leading it?

OOP: Attending. They have this retreat yearly, and there are also makeup dates for the classes she would miss

Commenter: INFO: is yoga retreat another word for rehab?

OOP: Nope, actual literal yoga. She has no addictions except control over everyone around her

Commenter: Info- Is your venue even available so close to the date? What about your photographer and flowers and everything? I remember some of our stuff had to be done over a year in advance. Our main reason for the date was venue availability.

OOP: We’re on such a tight budget that we’ve been coordinating with free venues that nobody else considers, photographers who are looking to expand their portfolios, and other discounted services that don’t fill quickly

Commenter: Was there a legit reason given why they wouldn't change their yoga plans if you covered the cost, effectively making it a wash?

OOP: When the offer was turned down, it was through a text stating “I appreciate the offer, but it simply will not work. That date is off the table”

Commenter (downvoted): NTA but you also know she does this yearly so it’s not a huge surprise that she’s doing it this year. You don’t have to change the date if you don’t want to but you have be prepared for them to not show up. I know I wouldn’t cancel my yearly trip for a wedding regardless. I am very thankful atm that my older two are ace and not romantically attracted to anyone because I swear nothing ruins relationships like marriage and babies.

OOP: She’s only gotten into yoga recently. This would be the first retreat she’s gone on, and I had no idea she had anything like this planned

Commenter: Info: What does your fiancé say about this? NTA. Don’t change your date. It’s important to you and the family you’re building with your fiancé.

OOP (responding next day): My fiancé loves our original date and is proud of me for standing my ground (my family has a pattern of walking over me and I have a habit of taking it). We’re considering delaying the date of the wedding but eloping on our original date without telling anyone until the reception

OOP is voted NTA

of OOP's dress (April 21, 2023- 3 months later)

Update : May 18, 2024 (1 year, 4 months from AITA post)

Hey everyone! It's been a while (I forgot my password), but a few people asked for updates on how my last post turned out. Unfortunately, a lot of you may not like the answer.

Almost all of you said not to change the date, and to enjoy my time without them there. I followed half of that advice. I eventually did relent to my family and change the date of the wedding. My fiancé (now husband!) said that the date wasn't as important as my happiness, and the fighting with my parents was destroying that. Now after six months, we both wish we hadn't because it was useless.

They still didn't show up. Not only that, but they convinced 90% of my family not to show up either. I ended up with only four relatives there in a crowd of about 100 guests.

My mother claimed that I had been "excluding her from planning" (by scheduling venue tours on days that my fiance and I were both free but I didn't realize she was working, and by finding my dress by surprise on a "just here to look" trip without her being there). They hadn't shown any interest in planning, so I mainly didn't want to bother them. To them, this was "clearly a sign that you don't want us there". So they went out of town on the new date.

In the end, narcissist mother still got her yoga, I still moved my date, and I still walked myself down the aisle.

But my petty self did, in fact, strike back. I had an amazing time, and I made sure that I left obvious empty seats marked for them and told everyone the truth with a smile when they asked. The few family members that did show are now no longer speaking to them either, as are all of the friends who came. The only exception is my brother (who I'm pretty sure they asked to relay the details of the party to them), and even he has almost entirely cut them out due to how they've acted.

I haven't spoken to my mother since about a month before the wedding, when she told me to get all of my old things out of her house. I speak to my father very rarely, and only over things like deaths in the family. My in-laws have basically taken me in as their own, and I'm far happier than I ever was in the nightmare of a family I grew up with. Life is good.

TLDR: moved the date of the wedding so mom could go to yoga, parents still didn't show, had a better day without them than I would have with them there, finally cut contact with those narcissists

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Good for you! I’m sad you moved your date for them just so they could make another excuse on why they couldn’t come. And the rest of your family sucks too.

But now you know all the people you need to block and go NC with. Make sure you block them on social media too. They don’t deserve to know anything about your life.

OOP: I changed my phone number right after the honeymoon, and they don't have the new one. My husband and I are also buying a house, so they won't be getting the new address. As for social media, I kept them unblocked just so they can see updates about me being happy without them

Commenter: Did your relatives say no ahead of time?

OOP: Nope, just didn't show up. Never got an RSVP from any of them, except the verbal one from my father a week beforehand when he told me "well, looks like you're not willing to patch things up before the wedding. We won't be there. That's unfortunate" 🤣

Commenter (downvoted): Did the opposite of our advice and it went poorly - yup, checks out, better luck next time

OOP: Honestly that's fair. I figured it wouldn't work out for me, but I really wanted to prove to myself that even if I bent over backwards for them it still wouldn't be good enough. I proved that, and now I have no doubt about cutting them off completely. As much as I wanted the old date, I'm still glad I moved it so that I didn't live my life with a "what if"

If OOP has kids:

We're planning on kids down the road, and I'm planning on telling the kids that "mommy's mommy and daddy were not nice people, and we don't want you to have to be around not nice people. We wish they had been nicer so that you could have two sets of grandparents who get to know and love you, but your daddy's mommy and daddy love you enough for both sets"

More on what 'mom' said:

Apparently I had "left them out too much" (found my dress unexpectedly when my mother wasn't there, booked venue tours when my husband could go with me without asking if my mother could go) so it was "clearly a sign that you don't want us there". They kept trying to tell me that if I involved them more they would show up, but my mother shows zero interest when I asked her about color schemes or if she'd come to my dress fittings, so eventually I realized they just didn't care and wanted something to complain about