Isn’t it disturbing that people need coaching in this? I just make sure I say hello to our security guard at the door each morning and I say thank you to Ramone (I even asked his name) when he empties the trash in my office each day. It’s the simple things that our parents taught us like “Say please and thank you” that seem to make the difference.

Maybe I should become a interpersonal relations coach!

“people would rather work with someone who is likeable and incompetent than with someone who is skilled and obnoxious”

This is a sore topic for me. :(

I am naturally a pretty shy person, and many people that I’ve worked with or attended school with have mistaken shy for surly. It’s only after people get to know me better that I open up and become more friendly/chatty/outgoing. I’ve tried to improve this over the years, but it’s hard for me to act like that around people that I don’t know well.

The problem came to a head a couple years ago when I was promoted to a supervisor in my dept. The oil quickly seperated from the water and I found out that a lot of people there really disliked me, for reasons I could not pinpoint (beyond they had a bad impression of me because I’m not a gregarious person; I’d never done anything to purposely be “mean” or “unfair” to anyone!). It made it very difficult for me to do my job supervising these people because they had zero respect for me as a superviser, and less as a person. I tried very hard to do my job well and impress my boss, but other supervisors who were doing a worse job than me were better liked and respected by the other employees, and were able to accomplish tasks more easily. It was very frustrating, because I hadn’t taken the job to make friends, but I certainly hadn’t taken it to make enemies! I had to leave ASAP.

Now, I’m fearful to attempt a manager-style position again because I’m worried that the same thing will happen again.

Penelope, you mentioned in an earlier post about how you think you’re the kind of boss that everyone likes working for. How did you simultaneously cultivate likability and respect? How can you make your boss happy while making your subordinates happy, too? Obviously, your boss should take the cake, but if you lose your likability/respect with your subordinates, it will be more difficult to make your boss happy.

Diana, thank you for sharing your story. Your post is a good lesson for everyone about how important it is to be likeable if you are going to manage other people.

Great managers connect in an authentic way with each person they manage and with their boss. In this way, a manager can help each person get what they need. It is very hard to make that connection if you are shy.

Shy people should ask themselves if they are genuinely interested in other people on many different levels. Some people are not that interested, and that’s okay. But in order to connect with peole you manage you have to truly be interested in them — enough to want to help them figure out what they want and how to get it.

Diana, if you really, really want to manage people, and you really want to learn to connect, then I think you can. It’ll take a lot of work, though.

Read some books about making friends (Dale Carnegie, Sonia Hamlin) and about managing yourself around other people (Roger Ailes - You are the Message)

But also, not everyone needs to be a manager. There are ways to have thriving, interesting careers without managing other people. Don’t rule that out.

Thank you for your article. I read it with interest. The importance of social skills do play an important role in the workplace, but I must say that competence is far more important.

With respect to your comment ” When it comes to holding down a job, social skills matter today more than ever.”

Well this is true but it results in a not so healthy attitude. This is the kind of attitude that has turned American schools into a popularity pageants and Americans into uncompetitive dolts in the world economy. While in graduate school, I met many foreign students who could barely speak English. This limited their opportunities for social interactions in the school with more “socially adept” Americans. However, their performance, even in a foreign environment using a non-native tongue, far surpassed their native-speaking counterparts. Quite frankly, I would rather have my children be more competent than they are popular. While I am not disparaging fitting in with the group, but often popularity becomes a trap, feeding one’s ego and vanity until one becomes so afraid or beholden to “fitting in” that s/he trades off the pursuit of truth and knowledge in order to fit in with the group.

Being liked is one thing, but not nearly as important as competence. often it’s a “one or the other” tradeoff. Americans naturally do not like someone who is more competent than they are, and groups maintain a dynamic that discourages individual performance above the rest.
This is jealousy, a human reaction and extremely prevalent in groups. It is like a virus, feeding and spreading throughout a group and becoming a barrier to high performance. However, my foreign friends have come from a culture that has a spirit of cooperation that pushes their group to cooperate and excel rather than those Americans who undermine and stifle each other’s performance.

So the answer is simple. When it comes to the worklife, competence is more important than popularity, and is a must in order to maintain our competitive stance.

I think the crux of your post is when you write, “Well this is true, it results in a not so healthy attitude.”

Your email is sort of a social criticism — what you wish for our society. And I’m sure you’re not alone in wishing for a world where social skills were not so highly valued.

But in our reality social skills are highly valued. So if you want to succeed today, you need social skills.

I think a lot of people justify their bad social skills by saying that society shouldn’t value them so much. But even a social critic will do better in work and life if he or she has good social skills.

I think you can get by if your social skills are not the best as long as you work in a place with people you gel with. In my case I have terrible social skills. I do not get along with most people that I work with, but there are several people that I have always gotten along with very well. At times I wish that I only worked with those people that I get along with. I understand I could work on my social skills to get along with a wider variety of personalities, but to me I would feel fake. At this point in my life it is more important to me that I be myself.

“people would rather work with someone who is likeable and incompetent than with someone who is skilled and obnoxious” This has been me most of my life. Only now am I seeing myself from the outside in and learning. You are becoming a good source for these lessons. Thank you.

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This is such an important comment. It should remind us all how incredibly difficult it is to see ourselves from the outside, but also how important it is. The real changes come in this way, I think. But I have found, for myself, that this is the hardest stuff to face.

-Penelope

Penelope, I’ve been reading your blog for sometime now, and I felt the need to reply that you left Dale Carnegie out of this post. Then I saw that you had posted it one of your comments here. :)

I have read many books on self-help and psychiatry, and I think that book is the best one of all. I can say, without exaggeration, that “How to Win Friends and Influence People” changed my life. It’s probably had more positive effects on my life than any other book I’ve ever read. And I’ve read the book a lot, at least 20 times or more.

I will certainly check out the other books you’ve mentioned in that same vein. I have not seen you mention Dale Carnegie specifically in any of your posts, but I’ve only probably read half of the ones you’ve made total, so I may not have seen if if you have.

Since I’m already replying, I also wanted to say it’s awesome that you respond to blog replies. I think this puts your way ahead of the curve in blogging and very few other bloggers I read do so. It makes it obvious that this blog is not just an exercise in narcissm (as some blogs are), but a reflection of your earnest ability to listen and understand others.

And remember, Dale Carnegie says it’s not flattery if you mean it! (I saw you mentioned flattery in your post.)

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Hi, Dave. Thank you for saying that you like that I respond to comments, because for every comment I respond to I feel like I let a really good one slip by.That said, I am not letting you slip :)

Penelope, I just happened to read your blog. I was let go from my company for the issue you just mentioned. I didn’t realize until now, how important is to be liked at work and, how competence unfortunately falls in to a second category.

At my last job as you mentioned before, I had worked like a horse leaving me with not much time to socialize perhaps, I put myself in that position because, I am a very shy person who finds very hard to make conversation.

Been fired over social issues is very traumatic, and I have changed myself one hundred degrees to the idea, that at my next position what would matter to me the most, will be my social circle than the pile of papers at my desk.

I Do Realize That People In The Workplace Would Rather Have Co-workers That They Get Along With Than To Have Someone On The Team Who Is “Unfriendly” or Shy. But To Go As Far As To Say That “People Would Rather Work With Someone Who Is Likeable and Incompetent Rather Than With Someone Who Is Skilled And Obnoxious” Is Beyond My Comprehension. Most People In The Workplace Do Not Really Care For Their Jobs. So To Expect Alacrity From Employees Is A Stretch. But If Someone Is Shy And Does What Is Required Of Them At Their Job, Then Just Let Them Be Shy. If Co-workers Aren’t Getting Their Egos Stroked By A Certain Member Of The “Team”, And The Team Seeks To Have The “Non-friendly” Member Removed. That Just Shows The Insecurity Of The “Team”. Not The Shy Loner.

CT’s comments are spot the mark, IF we want to have a better std of living in the future.

Unfortunately, PT’s response is also on the mark. (”… in our reality social skills are highly valued. So if you want to succeed today, you need social skills.”) As testimony I know I have been let go because I was not social enough, (ie, socializing in the ofc, and/or drinking or partying after work), prefering to get things done and having accomplished more than those that remained.

I find incompetence in the workplace repulsive, regardless if the colleague is warm, friendly and empathetic. Apparently I wrongly assumed that we are paid to get a job done. This is no longer the case. Social ties are the “ties that bind”.

So how does CT’s comments fit in? Re-read the conditional clause. Our society no longer feels it is important to achieve higher stds of living. We have achieved Nirvana; unfortunately, we have been there and are now headed backwards. Today’s thirty-somethings have a lower std of living than their fathers. (See recent WSJ article). And this trend will continue until society changes its values.

It is very sad commentary that as a society we find it more important to have good social skills, than to be competent. This will only continue to diminish our std of living. We will complain about our failed policies, about the high cost of healthcare, gasoline, … and fail to see that it is of our own (un)doing. But we will enjoy it, because we are likable.

As I look back, it now makes sense. Our educational stds have plummented. HS is no longer a place for education, but rather for socialization (ie. learning how to socialize). Witness how poorly our HS students do in international comparisons. We require 12, and soon 14 yrs of education once pre-K is mandatory, to be at the bottom of the top 30 industialized countries; and they achieve this in 10 yrs. A few yrs back I saw a HS principal on a “news show” brag that imparting knowledge in the classroom was no longer important. He was proud however of the social skills that his students have learned in the student commons. If that’s all these students know (social skills), is it a surprise that this is what they value? People like people who think like themselves (see referenced HBR article).

My objective in life is to maximize the talents/abilities that have been bestowed upon me in order to make a better place for my kids and grandkids. (That must sound really trite to those 30-somethings.) And that takes effort, which is seen as unsocial. However this drive to achieve, learned in school, is what yields accomplishments, increased productivity and in turn a higher std of living. (ECON 101 … Oops I forgot. Nobody studies this anymore; it’s too difficult and offers no redeeming social skills.)

We will continue to see our std of living erode, and more quickly as the dollar continues its slide, until society changes its values. At least we can take comfort in the fact that we will be likable, as we huddle in the dark under the no longer used freeway overpass. (Guilty as charged of sarcasm.)

Hi Penelope, I’ve just started a new job and I have to say within a week I’ve become your biggest fan! Thank you so much for providing real wisdom and clarity to the 21st century workplace. With your advice I’ve smoothly transitioned into my job. I know you must have a busy schedule, but would you ever be able to answer/give advice over email? If so, I’d love to be able to chat w/ you and get advice! I think everyone who reads your blog will have much more success in their jobs/careers! Thanks:)

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Hi, Jess. I can answer quick, specific questions via email. I also do coaching on the phone based on an hourly fee.

Penelope

I enjoy your blog very much. I am a manager in a state organization. As far as social skills go, I am pretty high on the scale, as far as I can tell from feedback. But the jist of it truly is caring. If you care about others you will usually care about how well you are performing in your own job as well. There are people here who appear to have good social skills but aren’t good on follow-through. I privately (at home!)refer to them as mere schmoozers.