I am not The OOP, OOP is

Yesterday I went to a furry event with my boyfriend and I think now I got the ick, I feel bad for that.

Originally posted to

  May 26, 2024

I didn't even know what a furry exactly was before I met him, we were together for literally three whole years until we moved in together, I found one of his furry outfits while I was helping him move his clothes into our apartment.

At first I thought that maybe at some point he had worked in children's shows or selling things in the subway (in my country it is normal to see people in costumes selling things), then I also found a common fox tail and tought it was something kinky but it's not.

He got nervous and confessed to me that he is a furry, I looked at him like 'wtf is a furry?', anyway, he explained to me that years ago he created his 'fursona' and it is a hobbie that makes him feel at ease and happy, he said that he hid it from me because he was embarrassed and scared that I might leave him or laugh at him. He's a serious and professional man, not the kind of person who would dress like that.

I assured him that I wasn't going to leave him and that I love him, that knowing my boyfriend uses a fox suit was the least attractive thing in the world but I support his hobby. I didn't really think much about it, did it seem weird to me? Yes, but at the time I thought I loved him so much that I was going to support him. It's just a hobbie he does rarely so it's not like he talks about that in our day by day, neither is his way of 'Being himself' he said he just likes to do the character and it's not something with a deep meaning.

It's been a year since that, and he's invited me to a furry event for the first time, I've never gotten into furry events (I hadn't seen him wearing his suit either, he wears it very rarely) because it's not my thing at all  but he invited me really excited and shy, I couldn't refuse to go with him because I also wanted to go and see what it's like and know that world.

But when we got there it was like "Oh, this is getting real" when I saw him park the car and put on his suit, I didn't have a suit so my face was totally visible when we got out of the car a few streets back and had to walk through the city center like that, I felt embarrassed even if it's awful to say that.

First we met his furry friends who were waiting in a park for him and I found out that my boyfriend has a name that he uses when he's in character. They were nice but no, it's not an everyday thing to see your boyfriend using a pet name, dressed as a fox and talking to other people who are also like that, although some didn't have a suit, just a tail or nothing.

I felt embarrassed because people around obviously walked by and laughed or looked curiously. A few minutes later we finally went to the place of the event and it wasn't THAT many people but a large group, most of them without a suit and just wearing tails or just a mask.

I know it's wrong to say it, but a lot of those people smelled musty, long hair so greasy you could fry an egg on it, just weird people. Years ago I accompanied my sister to an otaku event and it was 95% the same kind of people, like WEIRD in the wrong way, I've never been in that kind of environment. My boyfriend isn't like that at all, he's attractive, SMELLS GOOD, has a normal life and work and I don't think anyone would expect him to be a furry so it was my first time seeing other furries in person beside my him.

At one point some of them started playing at removing each other's tails, some were doing Choreographies and tiktoks, some of them liked to do 'high jumps' in four (not my bf, he was just walking around with me and just letting some people take pictures with him and then did a tiktok with another person)

You know what it's like to see your boyfriend do a choreo dressed as a blue fox while asking you to call him by his furry name and pet his head? I do know it and it was impossible for me not to change the way I see him.

I didn't feel comfortable in the place, it bothered me a lot since there were some using harnesses in their suits, what is sexy about an animal? Some artists' stands had furry art which was pretty explicit (my boyfriend dislikes that kind of art, for him his fursona is a perfomance) so I just felt even more weird because they're animals even if they call that a "fursona", I felt weird and since yesterday every time I see my boyfriend I can't help but think of him being part of those people and him dressed like that.

I really love him but I just feel like I got the ick and I hate that because I always wanted to be the supportive girlfriend but this is just too much. I don't want to talk about this with my boyfriend and make him feel ashamed of who he is and likes, I don't want to make him feel bad about my feelings. He's a great man, really the only time I felt tenderness yesterday was when he hugged me thanking me for support him in this.

I just feel like the worst person in the world and the last thing I want is hurt his heart even if his friends are too weird for me. I just hope I can get over this icky feeling fast but he's really happy and shows me pictures of the event telling me that we should go to another event together and I just can't tell him that the last thing I want to do is go to one of those events again. 🥴

I always supported him, I don't feel manipulated like some people says in the comments, I did wanted to go with him because I tought that maybe it was going to be fun (it wasn't).

Edit: He's not into anything sexual, he told me that his character is a performative thing that he enjoys doing from time to time but doesn't find it exciting or comfortable fetishizing a fursona because at the end of day he's just making a character, then he told me that for him it's like a person getting aroused by being dressed as Mickey for a play, he can't feel like that and finds it weird. We literally live together and share the pc, if he had strange movements I would notice them. He goes to those events very occasionally because he doesn't like the (more) weird side of furry.

I know he's not a pervert and no, my intuition doesn't tell me that he is that, my intuition just tells me that the people at that event smelled funny and that I don't want to set foot in that place again.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Commenter

I’m sorry this is happening to you. But I think you know that he belongs with his own kind. It’s time to set that fox free back into the wild where he belongs. You can’t domesticate a lot of them unfortunately no matter how hard you try

OOP

My fox is in captivity for now 😅

~

Commenter

Sorry but i can’t stop laughing LOL!!!!!!! Maybe one day you will laugh to, for god sake that’s so funny!!!

OOP

At times everything that happened around me was bizarre and funny, but i couldn't laugh because they all take their characters really seriously and I didn't wanted to be disrespectful

~

Commenter

Girly, I think it's time for a sit down conversation. Tell him that you support his hobby but you're not interested in taking part because it makes you personally uncomfortable. Not him, but the other people and the vibe. Hopefully, he understands and you'll get over the weird memory. If the ick sticks though, unfortunately it is what it is and you're not compatible. But if he's as good as you say he is, I think you can probably get past this as long as you're not involved.

OOP

Yes, I think what stops me from doing it is that he told me that his previous girlfriends laughed at his hobby or criticized him because he doesn't looks like the kind of person who's into that, it was very difficult for him to show himself that way with me :/

I never really expected to be in this situation and I don't know how to broach the subject without making him feel bad because he just wants my support

~

Commenter

Doesnt most furry stuff involve sex between them? Isn’t most of the sexual interaction between males? Is he bi? If he failed to disclose his knk to you initially and hid it for three years I think it’s safe to assume there’s more he may be withholding from you. You may be his link to “normal”? To me, it’s like someone not disclosing they have a drug or alcohol habit and hiding it for as long as they can. The chances of a relationship surviving long term when one is an addict and the other isn’t are very slim. Unfortunately, there are so many red flags related to your discovery of his suit that I’d probably suggest you reconsider continuing the relationship. He’s not going to suddenly stop fantasizing about being a furry, is he? He also has been lying to you for three years and is manipulating you while trying to convince you he’s worth your time and distract you from some serious underlying issues he has despite deceiving you for so long. You’re young, naive and sound like a nice person who is honest. You deserve the same IMO. Either that or buy a suit and join in the furry fun🤷‍♂️

OOP

I don't know about that, as far as I know my boyfriend doesn't have a fetish with his suit and doesn't like it that kind of things. He's straight and if he were to sleep with other people behind my back I'd know because it's hard to ignore the fox suit in the closet.

He's just got his character (as weird as it may seem to me) and just goes to these events once a year

  May 30, 2024

First of all, I never had any problem with him telling me after three years about this and I said that in the first post, I always understood how afraid someone can feel to say who he is, everyone has their secrets and there's nothing wrong if you're not harming anyone with them and after reading the comments people left on the post I understand the fear that my boyfriend had, some people even told me that he was grooming me... It's just disgusting, like If I couldn't defend myself.

I didn't need to talk to my boyfriend because during the night he sat down to talk to me and apologized, he showed me that one of his friends told him that the organizers of the event changed and that's why there were people with NSFW Stuff. My boyfriend was also uncomfortable with that since the last time he went to that event those types of outfits were forbidden, he showed me pictures and yes, the atmosphere and people looked different. They found out too about it because some people started to complain about that in the ig of the event, it seems that there's public friendly events and other's that aren't like that but the new people in charge of the event just changed a lot of things.

I confessed to him that I didn't feel comfortable either and he was surprised because after all I was smiling all the time and pretending that everything was fine, which is true. We talked a lot and he was very apologetic for how he behaved, said he should have gone without the suit and should have shown me pictures of the place before we went. Honestly, I never showed him discomfort and I was always with a fake smile, so I understand that he thought I was having a good time.

My boyfriend just kept apologizing deeply, he said he didn't really knew how to react since it was the first time he had taken someone so important to an event so he behaved that way, he apologized for not thinking about how I might have felt and I apologized for not communicating my feelings too.

I received literally more than 100 messages and comments telling me that my boyfriend is a pervert, I don't know much about the furry world so I was disturbed when some people started to leave comments talking about things I didn't knew about them. I had never distrusted him before, we share pc and I can use his cell phone whenever I want but I am so stupid that it was difficult for me not to get carried away by more than a hundred people telling me that I am dating a degenerate.

I asked him if he doesn't really feel anything sexual by doing that, he never showed that and from day one he made it clear to me that for him it's just a character (he doesn't even behave like an animal when he's in character, he wanted me to pat his head as a cute gesture).

He was clearly upset that I didn't trust him but he ended up giving me his cell phone so I could check whatever I wanted, it made me feel worse to see that his chat with his furry friends wasn't even too active since they all have busy lifes but they said that I'm really cool and they liked me. The rest of his stuff was just about his work and me. I feel really stupid for letting my head be filled with comments from sad strangers, but my boyfriend told me that he actually understands why I feel that way, it happened to him too. In the past he had a furry girlfriend but she DID have a fetish with that and that made him uncomfortable so he ended the relationship, that's why my boyfriend doesn't date furry women, he says that the vast majority are weird people who ruin the community. He doesn't see his character as 'his true self' and he doesn't identify with those who do, for him it's quite a character, like cosplaying although he doesn't like anime or anything like that so he prefers furry because he can do an original character.

I said I was really sorry for thinking like that about him and told him about the post, he doesn't talk English so I translated him some things except the people who left weird comments. I promised him to have better communication with him about everything.

I never felt manipulated (he never pressured me to do ANYTHING, I wanted to try to be part of his world) and no, I'm not a poor victim who fell into the clutches of a beast, some people is really weird trying to look for a villain in every post.

Someone even said that my boyfriend was love-bombing me with pictures of the event to manipulate me, for god's sake! Stop making up new terms and touch some grass. I just said that my boyfriend showed me pictures of the event because he was happy that I went with him and all of a sudden he's Charles Manson, do these people have loved ones? It's too weird.

I'd rather embrace that eccentric side of him than ruin a cute relationship just because I don't share his hobby. I really like going to RAVES and he doesn't but there's nothing wrong with that, we will have separated hobbies. I want to make a good live with him... Far away from the furries with harnesses and the NSFW art.

And I learned my lesson of never posting again in this kind of places, the last time I checked the post one person got downvoted just because they said that we sound adorable, I guess that's the vibe in this app haha. Thanks to the people who gave me good advices and was kind! Honestly I stopped reading the post after a few comments.

By the private messages I received I know people really wanted an update about me leaving my boyfriend but no, I want too think that actually this made us stronger.

I want to be a better girlfriend for him and gift him clothes for his character.

Pd: I guess the ick was just the shock I had because we had sex as usual, why would i leave a hardworking, kind man who loves me devotedly just because he has a hobby that i can't relate to? The blue fox is still mine and I now I love him even more.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

I know that my husband is cheating on me with my best friend but if I left, he will take half.

Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Trigger Warnings: death of a loved one, infidelity, emotional abuse and manipulation

---

: April 3, 2024

I am a 40 year old mother of a baby girl who is 5. I have been married to my husband for 12 years. About 10 years ago I started my business and it is my pride and joy. I love my life and I enjoy my work.

2 years ago I lost my beautiful mother to breast cancer. It all happened in 5 weeks and she was so young. 55 years old. It sent me into shock and depression.

A short while before that my best friend found out that her husband cheated and he left her for his mistress. It was a hard time and my best friend and I became even closer than ever before. She moved in with me for a while after my mother passed because I wasn’t really functioning and she was homeless.

I started with antidepressants that killed my sexual needs. I felt guilty for my husband but I really couldn’t do anything but try to be healthy again as soon as possible. My best friend lived with us for 1 years and they started sleeping together towards the end of that year. That’s when I got home early and heard them. I ran out in shock. I came back a few hours later pretending nothing happened.

I managed to smoothly find her a place because I couldn’t bear it happening in my home. My sanctuary. My happy place where I live with my daughter. My best friend had already found herself a job and I took the opportunity to find her the apartment near her job. She was grateful. I was a bit more relieved.

The affair is still going on. If I leave he will take half. It will ruin me and my business and what I am trying to build for me and my baby. No I don’t want to leave. It is so unfair that he is the one cheating and I am the one who will pay if I said anything. I refuse, so I am letting it happen.

Instead I wrote him off as my companion and safety blanket. I still have lots to be grateful for. My baby. My family and my beautiful home. And my business. Most of the time, I am content and happy even though I myself don’t know how I am doing it. Maybe it is numbness or resignation or maybe it is true contentment.

But sometimes, when everything is a hundred times magnified I can barely contain my panic. Especially at night when he wakes me up because I am crying. Again. Are you having a nightmare? And he tries to kiss and cuddle me to make me feel safe. I’m here, I’m here. You’re safe. I wish I could tell him that my nightmares are my escape from my reality with him and that his shoulders aren’t safe.

He rarely asks why I am crying, he probably thinks it is mom, because that’s what I tell him, but sometimes I feel like he knows or that he can’t help himself wondering. What’s going on behind those eyes? What do you mean? I can’t read your face anymore…… See you are silent again. When I look at him he immediately looks away like he is scared he would turn into stone and says I miss you that’s all.

My panic has increased more these past few months since he started paying me attention again. The first period after mom’s passing, he never bothered me out of courtesy I suppose. Never asked for intimacy. Then he had her so he didn’t need me. But now? I don’t know what changed. They’re still together so what does he want from me? Is he testing me?

I never understood why they’re doing what they’re doing either. I have seen their texts. There’s no love there, no respect, no warmth. Not what I would expect from two people who are sleeping together, especially not when the stakes are so high. You would think that they love each other so much that they’re willing to pay the price in case they’re caught. No, there’s a lot of anger, fighting and resentment. A lot of guilt and self hatred. He calls himself and her disgusting and shells of a human being. Is that too some sort of love?

I don’t know why I am writing here, I googled about infidelity and self help and I ended up in this community and I read tens of similar stories. Maybe I would feel better writing my own down. Please don’t think too ill of me. I know that I am pathetic but I used to have more dignity.

Additional Information from OOP on speaking with a lawyer regarding her assets

I have already talked to a lawyer. I contacted one 1/2 an hour after I heard them in my bed. I have discussed many options during the months and none gives me full control of my life and company.

One was a postnuptial agreement of course but why would he just sign one? We discussed maybe I confess to him that I know about them, hoping that he would want to do anything to save the marriage including a postnup. But this is leaving too much to chance and to someone who could easily cheat on me but also it doesn’t feel right to lure him into signing then go ahead with divorce anyway. I can’t be this malicious.

My other option is one of my family members buy in, my dad or brother for example like 10%. It would leave me with majority in case of divorce and I could buy him out eventually. But again, I leave much to chance and no control over the outcome.

Mostly I am not looking forward to seeing my husband real face which I believe I will when I ask for divorce. If he did this to me when he pretended to love me then how would he act when he doesn’t need to pretend anymore? Do I want my baby to see her parents at their worst this early?

Not sure. Maybe I am just obsessing as usual.

Relevant Comments

EbbCharming5326: I’m so sorry OP, my heart breaks for you. Is there any way you can legally make plans to do something with your assets, business, etc? While things are amicable I think it’s best to take steps to protect your daughter and the business. I hate to make you think about it but what if he leaves and you have to do this anyways? ***Wouldn’t (edit for spelling) you rather be prepared and ready to take on the new adventure that life takes you? 💗 best wishes, sending love.

OOP: I have talked to an attorney about all ym options and even my best options aren’t good enough right now. My only hope ia that it comes to a point where I could buy him out when we divorce. It won’t happen in a few years

OOP on if her husband is entitled to half of her business

OOP: Actually he didn’t believe in my idea so he didn’t want to help because he was scared that I would lose money. I started with loans and with government “assistance” for young female entrepreneurs with low interest so no he didn’t help with anything. Still, he is entitled to 1/2 after divorce

 

: May 30, 2024

Hi everyone! I have made a post previous to this a few weeks ago.

Thank you for the support and the many suggestions. If you want the details please read that one first. I promise that I will make this one very short and simple. I have taken two measures to protect myself and my daughter when my husband and I get a divorce to protect my assets and my daughter’s future, I am sure many will find my methods to be dubious and honestly it is fine with me. All’s fair in love and war and this is a bit of both.

I told my father everything. He was horrified but a bit relieved that he finally found out what’s been hurting me. We have discussed the possibility that he could buy into my business in case I need to divide so he and I have the bigger share and still can make the decisions.

Then I have agreed to my husband’s suggestion of seeing a marriage counselor. He talked about my mom’s passing and how it affected me and my mentality. He kept talking about me “building walls” and “being distant” and how he was longing for me to “come back to him”. I just wondered while he talked what he would do if I told him that I knew. Would he still complain about my walls or finally understand them?

I opened up about my mom’s illness and how it affected me. Not only the losing her part but the fact that my grandmother and great grandmother passed the same way. It kept me thinking that I have inherited this and passed it down to my daughter and the guilt and fear that I have been feeling. I chose to have my daughter fully aware of the risks. What was I thinking?

Since the counseling we have been talking more in our day to day and I just honestly told him that my business was one of the stressors in my life. That I am always worried that if I didn’t fix our marital issues, and he wanted to leave me it would change my career and future while his wouldn’t because he is government employee.

This was two weeks ago. The day after, he sat me down and told me that he wanted a postnuptial agreement to make me feel more secure. He wanted me to be with him “because I wanted to not because I had to”. I talked in my first post about my house etc but I really don’t care about that anymore. Everything else can be marital property and honestly I started to hate this house and I can’t wait to leave it.

So next move is starting the separation. I am aiming for the end of this year and then only the hardest part is left. Telling my daughter that mommy and daddy won’t be living together anymore. I am not looking forward for that part.

Relevant Comments

Choice-Intention-926: I’m glad that you reached out to your father for help. It must have been so isolating that the two people you would have gone to for comfort are the two people who were causing you pain. Get the post-nup done asap, so you can move on. Once that’s done you can file for divorce. This isn’t dubious at all or it’s less dubious than the activity he is engaged in.

After your ducks are in a row, you should break it to him in couples counselling that you are divorcing him, and what you saw. When he says sorry, you stand firm that he wasn’t so sorry that he stopped. He wasn’t so sorry that it never started. Not so sorry that at the lowest point in your life he wouldn’t betray you.

You deserve better.

OOP: I will do the best for my mental health and for our daughter. If leaving this behind and not telling him is the best way then I will just leave it be. I will probably know by then what’s best for me

OOP on her relationship with her ex best friend

OOP: My ex best friend and I had a “falling out” a while back because “I don’t talk to her anymore” and because “I have changed” so much. She ended up telling me that I am going to lose everyone that loves me if I stayed that way. Whether they know or suspect something, I don’t know

Well I think this is one of her excuses to herself about why she betrayed me like this. Because I have “changed” and been “pushing away” the people that love me (towards each other apparently) and honestly what else can you tell yourself about your shitty behaviors to be able to sleep the night? Only I didn’t start changing and pushing away people who “love” me before they betrayed me.

OOP was asked if her husband and the friend are together

OOP: They are still having an affair. I have seen that he still gets texts from her at night. Not sure if they still feel like scum, nothing changed really

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

Something went on between my (F32) husband (M32) and my sister (F26). What do I do?

Trigger Warnings: sexual assault, infidelity, accusations of infidelity, emotional manipulation, possible drug abuse

---

: May 28, 2024

My heads a mess atm so please excuse me if Im all over the place.

Yesterday morning my husband quickly got a bag ready without me seeing, came to me and told me my sister sucked his dick, and that he thought it would be best if he left for awhile and gave me space.

That was it.

Ive pretty much been left in the dark since. He seemed very stressed and upset. I just stood there a little dumbfounded.

My sister has been going through a very hard time the last few weeks and has spent a lot of time at ours, initially with her partner but around a week ago they started having issues so she just came and unloaded their problems. She came over Sunday night and ended up staying over. But I didnt notice them slipping away together at any time.

So far the only communication Ive had with my husband has been about our child. Ive asked him over and over whats going on and all he tells me is he is still trying to figure it out. What is there to figure out?

I cant believe that just like that everything I know is in tatters. Everything weve built together, everything we have, hes choosen to throw it all away. And to just tell me like that and leave, I’m totally heartbroken. I never in a million years saw this coming. I also thought me and my sister had a stronger relationship aswell, the betrayal from her has me feeling so lost right now.

Ive seen many a horror story on here with infidelity and stupidly now I’m in this situation I have absolutely no idea where I go from here? I know everyone will tell me to leave him, but its more complicated when theres kids/houses/a business involved. And I dont even know whats went on, no one will talk to me. The mental pictures are driving me insane.

Im not ready to talk to friends or family yet so I’m asking reddit, wtf do I do? Restarting life at 32 sounds like a nightmare.

****Edit: Many people suggesting I move money/ restrict accounts. In a pathetic move I text him again to ask whats going on and to please talk to me before I contact lawyers and secure my accounts, thinking this would get a reaction.

He replied simply saying do what I need to do and that he can come back tonight to explain what happened.

Depending on how this goes I may or may not make an update post.

I just dont get why Im getting the runaround.

Relevant Comments

OOP on getting therapy to help sort things and see what her next steps are

OOP: The only thing I know for sure right now is that I’ll be going to therapy. Thank you. I honestly feel like the worlds going on around me and Im just stuck in a bubble watching.

Thank you. I know I will have to at some point. Just now the embarassment is winning.

OOP on the possibility that her husband is cheating on her with her sister

So this has actually been an issue with my family since I started dating him. He comes from a very well off family and does pretty well for himself. My sister has never shown signs of jealousy but with others its definetely been an issue before.

I havent. Hes refusing to talk about it. Sisters just blocking my calls and texts completely.

I dont think he is with her, her partner would have told me.

God I never even thought about std testing. I fucking hate this.

Any activity on her and her husband’s accounts should help OOP determine if anything strange happened

OOP: I have looked at our accounts and nothing has been taken since he left. Will be keeping a close eye though thanks.

OOP on if she knows where her husband or sister are at the point and if she has tried to reach them

OOP: No idea. I thought his parents but hes not there. Assuming shes home. Her partner hasnt been in touch to say if anything odds going on there. She wont answer calls or texts. + No, Ive never had the slightest notion that anything was going on and theyve never said or done a thing that would make me think otherwise. Just last week I saw him and my sisters texts and there was nothing there either, he asked me to check a message from someone so I saw them at the same time. Hes not secretive with his phone whatsoever.

 

: May 30, 2024

I wasnt going to do this, but I have had, and am still getting lots of comments and messages for an update so here we are.

Ive since spoken to my sister. Husband came home that night aswell. He packed a bag with more stuff and sat down with me and told me what happened. We have rentals and he was staying in one thats currently empty.

A lot of you were right, my sister straight up assulted him.

Ill try and keep this short but I’ll add some extra details I missed on my first post to clear things up.

This all happened on Sunday. She has been going through a lot the past month so this has been a regular thing and the past few weeks things were getting worse with her partner, so lots of venting. She said several times that night she didnt want to go back home. And told us that before she left she also told her partner not to try and contact her because she was going out to get a break from him.

My husband smokes a TON of cannabis and this year started buying the oil I think it is and making his own caping cartridges (illegal country thats why he makes his own) He mixes various strengths for during the day and much stronger ones for the afternoon. The whole night he was on the strong one and passed it around. We were all definetely feeling it so I stopped and they continued well into the night.

I said Im getting ready to call it a night and everyone agreed. I got up to see to the dogs, we have a litter of puppies that weve setup space for in the garage. I was gone maybe 5 minutes. Came back out to my husband on his own. Said my sister was in a bad way with the oil so she went to bed. Thats when we went to bed. He got up in the morning and left.

My husband said this was when it happened. Out of nowhere she grabbed the waist of his trousers, yanked them down and went to town. Went as far as to actually grab his hands as if to stop him going anywhere. It lasted maybe 5 seconds before he managed to get up. He asked her wtf she was doing, she just said sorry and went to bed.

I knew going into this I was probably going to get lied to but fortunetely we have security cameras all around the house and the whole ordeal was on camera. He pulled it up on the ipad and showed me. I didnt actually want to see the act, but he insisted. Hes terrified that even with proof he’s still going to be labeled as if he pursued this. He thinks that I’m going to leave him regardless and that he deserves it. Hes scared he’s lost his family and everything we have.

My sisters partner left his last relationship due to infidelity and my husband is ill over the fact that he feels responsible for it happening again.

My husband is ok but feels totally guilty in all of this and doesnt want the fallout to happen at all, he wishes everyone could just forget it ever happened and go on like normal and Ive told him theres no way thats going to happen.

I finally got to talk to my sister. She hadnt blocked me, just ignored my calls and texts. We text her through my husbands phone and while doing that I noticed she had actually text him a few times since this happened. Literally just a chain of:

"Im so sorry Ive fucked up"

"Im so sorry I dont know what happend"

Still nothing to me.

Anyway, she called we put her on speaker and I asked her what happened, thinking she was going to lie, but she ended up saying the same thing my husband did.

She couldnt give me a reason as to why. She cried the entire phone call. Woe is me, we all hate her now etc. but yeah, no reason, she doesnt know why she done it, it was the biggest mistake of her life.

Apparently she called in sick for work and has just spent the days driving around aimlessly, hoping a freak accident would take her out. I lost it, went completely apeshit on her. My husband kept trying to defuse it which just got me more annoyed.

We had it out because I felt like he was defending her. His argument is that she is obviously not in a great place and he doesnt want anyone in the position that they feel like they need to hurt themselves or worse.

This did not calm me down and Im not proud of it but I did go on to send her several texts telling her exactly what I thought of her.

We also told her to speak to her partner because we plan to tomorrow, and it would be much better coming from her than from us. My husband really does not want to have that conversation with him.

So thats pretty much where were at.

An utter shitshow.

Me and my husband will get through it together Ive made sure he knows Im on his side. Will suggest therapy for him but ultimately its his choice.

I dont see my sisters partner sticking around. Our kids are very close and see each other a lot, Im not really sure what will happen there, but its not fair on the kids losing out on that relationship.

We have a lot to work out.

Thank you for all your comments. A lot of you actually said this is what it sounded like happened so I was sure to be as understanding as I could be.

Wish us luck.

Edit: To expand a bit on the cameras. Yes, in the back of my head I know the cameras are there, but they were there before we moved in and I really dont think about them. Theyre only outside the house. I have no idea how to actually check recorded footage, husband has always dealt with them. And I had no idea when, or where this actually happened.

I have told him he has every right to press charges, but hes adamant he does not want the police or anything involved.

Relevant Comments

Mytuucents8819: It’s sexual assault! If your husband wants to file a police report YOU SHOULD SUPPORT HIM

ALSO LOTS OF THERAPY

AND NO CONTACT WITH YOUR SISTER! She’s disgusting

OOP: I have mentioned to him that it can be taken further but he doesnt want police etc involved.

Commenter:

It is great that you are supporting your husband here, but I want to give you some insight in to assault victims.

They often try and minimize what happened both for themselves (aka it wasn't that bad, I'll be fine) and also because it is embarrassing. So he isn't "defending" her, he is reacting in ways to protect himself. Think about if something happens to you in public, like a friend plays a prank and pours a drink on you. You may try and laugh it off and even in that moment tell yourself "this was supposed to be funny, it's funny!" and then later you process how bad it made you feel. There are lots of situations where people minimize as a way to shake it off/act how they think people want them to act/protect their feelings.

Your husband doesn't WANT to be the victim of an assault, so he is downplaying it. Don't get mad at him for that, just be gentle and remind him that he didn't consent, what she did was terrible, he shouldn't be ashamed, and you are here for him.

You also have to take his lead on therapy, police, and in general in talking about/processing what happened. You have to get your own head straight (not that you don't) that you have visual evidence that he was sexually assaulted and who did it. You say your husband knows you are on his side, but even in your post, that's not really clear? You have gotten annoyed at him, you have said you are telling your sister's partner even though your husband isn't sure...you need to center your husband and not yourself in the next steps.

You are right to be mad, furious, and out for blood. But your husband needs you to be calm, even, and caring. Talk to another very trusted friend about your own feelings and how to process them, because you also need support, but your husband is the victim here, and you need to put him first at every step. Do not tell your sister's partner until your husband is ready, do not push him further than he is ready, and when that is frustrating to you, be calm with him and then go rant to that ONE trusted person so you can get the support you need.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OP. Original post by in , , , , &

trigger warnings: homophobia, cancer

mood spoilers: frustration & a bit of schadenfreude

(Editor's note: Because OOP posted each post in multiple subreddits, I linked to the post with the most comments.)

---

 

- August 20, 2022

Will my daughter ever forgive me?

My adult daughter (24)will not talk to me. I recognize my part of it, and I understand her initial pain, but when I go out of the way to apologize and try to heal with her, and she still perpetuates (publicly) that I am some monster that has disowned her, I just don’t think there’s anything I can do, it’s in her court now.

I was not accepting when my daughter came out as a lesbian, I am a lifelong Catholic. I told her I will always love her, but I don’t agree with her choice. I believe you can love people without agreeing with every part of them. For a while, our relationship was rocky until she started dating a girl, and I asked her to keep her relationship separate from our family, and now I realize how wrong that is. She has not spoken to me since, I’ve reached out multiple times to tell her I’m sorry, she missed the death and funeral of my grandmother who had a huge upbringing in her life because she refuses to talk to me. I’ve offered ro go to therapy with her, she refuses. She no longer even talks to her sisters because of their proximity to me, and says they enable me being hateful and abusive because they won’t stop talking to me.

She got married last week, none of her family was there. My friend sent me a screenshot of a post she made about how she didn’t have a supportive mother to help her plan her wedding or pick out her dress, and honestly it made me so angry, I wanted nothing more but to be there.

I understand the hurt I caused, but I believe this goes beyond me. I love my daughter so much, regardless of her life choices, she could be in prison and I would feel the same way.

I'm curious if you're still not supportive of her "choice"? I, myself, am a lesbian and I know I would act exactly like your daughter if my parents were like you, but I'm also aware that people can change and realize things later in life. She is deeply hurt that her parent, who was supposed to love her unconditionally, refused a major part of her. She is always going to be somehow hurt by it, but if you're accepting of her now, supportive of her, I honestly think, with time, she could forgive you. You can only show your honest support for her now and hope she lets you back into her life.

OOP: I feel the same way as if she were to make any choice I don’t agree with. I will love her unconditionally, even if I don’t agree with it. I don’t think that will change.

: When you say you’re “sorry”, what exactly are you sorry for? And what are you prepared to do differently now compared to how you behaved in the past?

OOP: I am sorry that she feels like I don’t support or love her.

Reading your post and some of these comments, I have a feeling your apology is not genuine/direct in the sense that you're shifting the focus to you when it should be about your daughter. This comment illustrates that perfectly because it suggests that you are apologising for hurting her feelings when it goes deeper than that. The fact that you are sorry "she feels like [you] don't support or love her" to me a bit like gaslighting in a way since it has subliminal messages of " I know I love and support her but she feels differently so let me apologize and we can all move on". You aren't getting to the root of the problem and using this as a blanket statement for an easy fix. Because you didn't SHOW her you love and support her by asking her to keep her relationship separate from the family. How will she "feel loved" if you've asked her to isolate herself and her relationship with her girlfriend from the family? You not being at her wedding shows how that comment of "keeping her relationship separate from the family" was taken literally since a wedding is meant to be a union of 2 families and yours wasn't there. I think you not acknowledging the relationship she has with her girlfriend and telling her to "keep it separate from the family" DEEPLY hurt her because you've essentially "disowned" her by not accepting her for who she is, not because she had done something wrong but because she came out as a lesbian. And the sole reason why you neglected to acknowledge her was because of religion. So you are putting religion above familial bonds. In your post you said that you don't agree with her choice for being a lesbian but will love her unconditionally. May I ask how that will that work? Isn't the whole point of family to be supportive of their choices for the people you love? (This excludes bad choices like illegal drug use and stupid financial decisions). You outwardly saying you don't agree with her "choice" also implies that you do not support her OR you support her on the condition that she makes a choice which you agree with. That makes your statement "I will love her unconditionally" seem meaningless. I don't know if I'm making sense.

I can also tell that you're sincere in trying to make amends but your ideologies and actions contradict each other and it comes off as hypocritical which is why other comments are quite harsh.

I think the first step in reconciliation is acknowledging her relationship with her wife with your family and extended family aka NOT keeping the relationship separate this will show that you do recognise her as part of the family instead of her being subtly known as "the other" The second step is to try and form a relationship with your daughter's wife and her family (if you have their contact details). Also try telling her what you have said in the post. She might not fully understand where you are coming from because you seem conflicted when it comes to unconditional love and what it says about being gay/lesbian in the Bible, but at least she'll see that you're trying.... Mind you also give it time and don't expect her to instantly forgive you if you genuinely want to be in her life. Baby steps.

 

- September 29, 2022 (~5 weeks later)

I posted last month about my relationship with my daughter. At the moment, she will not talk to me at all and has said she never will again. I admit my wrongdoings, but what else can I do? How do I tell my daughter she needs to stop posting about me online, and perpetuating the idea that I disowned her…which is not what happened!

I was not accepting when my daughter came out as gay, but since I have told her numerous times that I still love her, even if I don’t agree with everything she does and have my own religious beliefs, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m her mother! Even if she did something horrible and ended up in prison, I would still be there. She has blocked me on everything, no longer talks to her sisters, et. She got married over the summer and did not invite anyone…I found out from a friend who is friends with her on Facebook.

I wrote her a letter with a gift card as a wedding gift and sent it her. I offered to go to group therapy with her and learn how I can better support her. The next week, she called me (for the first time in 2 years) and told me to leave her alone and not to contact her again.

Which I have respected, but she’s gone back to posting about how I disowned her and don’t accept her or her marriage.

Is there anything I can do? Just accept it? It hurts enough to not have a relationship with her, but for her to continually say these things about me that are not true. I WANTED to be at her wedding, o was not given the chance to be.

: But you don’t really accept her.

You love her even though you “don’t agree with everything she does.” You judge her and you judge her life. Sometimes move it’s enough (editor's note: I believe they meant, "Sometimes love isn't enough). Maybe she’s just tired of constantly putting up with your judgment and comments.

Then you equate her being gay to something extreme like her ending up in prison. I get that you were making an extreme to say how much you love her. But you’re really saying her homosexuality is something within the same realm as that.

Love isn’t enough. Sounds like your daughter needs respect and acceptance. Actually acceptance, not just tolerating who she is.

I give you a lot of props for being willing to go to group therapy to understand her more. But clearly whatever happened before she hasn’t gotten over or forgiven you yet. You don’t get to demand forgiveness.

: It sounds like she enjoys the attention she must be getting playing the victim. You did your part , you tried to make amends, so my advice to you is concentrate on the daughters that want to be with you (don't lose them because of her).

: Hi, don't pay attention to these people calling you a cultist, lol. Yes, you made a pretty bad mistake by not supporting your daughter when she came out. Nobody chooses their sexuality, so as a parent, you absolutely must support your children when they face incredibly tough situations like coming out. However, you seem to have understood this ever since, or at least you're moving in the right direction and you still show that you love and care for her and that you still want to be a part of her life. You admit you're willing to go to therapy, so that's also great.

However, your daughter is likely too traumatized from your initial lack of support. Its hard to know the details and the extent of the damage done through reading a reddit post, but that would be my best guess. I can't imagine how difficult it would be for my parents to not support such a basic part of my identity, as much as I can't imagine how difficult it must be to hear your daughter tell you they never want to speak to you again.

The advice I can offer you is to sign up for individual therapy yourself first. Not only would you be showing some initiative, you'd be better understanding yourself and your position in all of this. Your therapist can offer you an objective, nuanced opinion on all of this. Months from now, maybe you'll be in a more enlightened position to attempt communication again by writing a more nuanced and apologetic letter that maybe with your perspective today you are not able to craft yet. Wish you all the luck in the world, and feel free to DM if you'd like to discuss more details with this situation, maybe i can give you a more detailed opinion!

 

- February 27, 2023 (4 months later)

Hi there. I’m a 57 year old woman who has been a devout Catholic my entire life, I was raised in the church, and so were my 3 daughters. None of them ended up particularly religious, but my oldest daughter came out as a lesbian and is now married. We are estranged, it is my fault. I did not accept or affirm her, and I denied my wrongdoings for a long time, and justified it by using Catholicism.

In the past few months, I’ve been going to therapy and have been going through a crisis of faith, and understand how I’ve hurt my daughter. I’ve left the church, and now see how it ruined everything. I didn’t see my daughter get married, or graduate college, because I choose my faith and the church over her. My priest told me I was making the right decision.

Is it too late to fix it? She has blocked me on everything, lives 3 hours away, and is incredibly traumatized by how I treated her and refused to accept it.

: I grew up in an abusive house hold and haven't seen my mother in 8 years. I also went a period of 4 years without seeing my father, but the last two years we've been reconnecting. I actually spent Christmas with my father this year. I didn't even text my mother.

The difference?

My father started going to therapy and has been consistent working to address our needs. And by consistent, I mean he set up a Sunday zoom call once a week for my sisters and I to hang out as a family. And he is in it EVERY SUNDAY without exception, even if we aren't. I once signed in 35 minutes late because I was distracted woodworking, and there he was, sitting quietly, alone, waiting for one of us. And when I showed up late there wasn't any irritation or complaints, he just was glad to see me.

He's been driving hours to be a part of my life, consistently, and his behavior has radically changed to show how important being a part of my life is to him.

Most importantly though is that his behavior has changed dramatically. When we spoke, the conversation was focused on my needs, not his. For YEARS.

Now our relationship is fairly close to regular. I look forward to seeing him, spending time with him doesn't wrack me with guilt or anxiety. He has done the work and our relationship is all the better for it.

My mom texts me once every 4 months "hi I miss you". Or a "We should get lunch". And then I say "yes, that sounds good". And then she never follows up. And the last time I saw her was at my uncle's funeral the day Trump was elected.

My point is that you will need to devote years to recovering your relationship. That it will not be easy, or fast. It might not be possible. You will need to speak out, loudly, in support of her marriage, to others. And not "to tell her you support her", but because it's the right thing to do, and because you want her to know you were unequivocally wrong.

Join GLAAD and become an active supporter of gay children who have been disowned by their parents. don't tell your daughter until you are convinced this isnt a phase and you can maintain this view and behavior long term.

I'm so glad you've left the toxicity of the church. Now it's time to put in the work for your daughter.

 

- May 4, 2024 (1 year, 3 months later)

I have stage IV pancreatic cancer, I was given a very grim prognosis and the statistics paint a very bad picture.

I know you’re going to read my pasts posts and tell me how horrible I am and how I don’t deserve my daughter’s forgiveness. I’m not going to lie, my beliefs haven’t changed, but I love my daughter. I’m terrified I’m going to die without hugging her or speaking to her one more time. I am a grandmother now and I probably won’t get to meet my grandson before I die. My daughter knows about my diagnosis, she’s expressed she has no intentions of coming here or reconciling, and has told her sisters that she still doesn’t want to talk to me. What can I do? Is there really no saving our relationship? Please help me. I’m not giving up my faith or changing my beliefs, but I will support and respect her family.

: I did not read your last posts but I am the gay child of a Christian parent who DID re-engage after a stage 4 cancer prognosis.

I came home. Cooked soup. Listened to hours of sob stories about cancer changing him and how he was sorry and now we’d be different. I held his hand and prayed with him. He acted like a scared puppy half the time and He was grumpy and hard to be with (obviously, he didn’t feel good) all through cancer treatment.

He magically, and with good nutrition, got better. We had another year where he was and acted humbled. Then He came back to his beliefs and made more comments. He reverted in his beliefs and soon became snarky and opinionated with my children. We became estranged again.

He’s now a life and health coach with a testimonial about how he was so brave and motivated during his cancer treatment. He guides other people on living good healthy lives that fight cancer. He is such a disgusting fraud it makes me sick.

I wish I never went back when he had cancer. He didn’t change. We haven’t spoken now in four years and it’s the most peaceful years of my life. I honestly wish I had left him feeling guilty and sad (as you seem to now) instead of giving him my forgiveness during that time. Christians do not change. They abuse us with their judgement until they die.

Leave your daughter alone. If you feel horrible during this time in your life it’s only a percentage of pain that you gave your daughter - who had to mourn you already not because you’ve died but the hope of a good relationship with you has.

 

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

I am not The OOP, OOP is

What do i do about our aunt (58F) freaking out because I (26F) didn’t wear makeup?

Originally posted to

TRIGGER WARNING: dealing with a family member with dementia

  May 28, 2024

This weekend the family met up for memorial day. Just a casual family hangout for the holiday, nothing formal or any big event to celebrate. Even though I used to when I was younger, I pretty much never wear makeup anymore except on formal special occasions because it damaged my skin when i wore it every day.

My aunt semi-recently moved back to the states after spending over 6 years living in various places in europe and this is the third time we’ve had a family gathering with her since she got back. The previous two times the family got together it was a more formal occasion and i wore makeup and a dress both times. This time I wore my normal clothes: shorts, a button-down, sandals and no makeup. the rest of my family was more or less as casual as i was, but all the women wear makeup on a daily basis except for me.

I noticed my aunt was acting really strangely around me and when i asked her if everything was okay she turned it around on me and asked if i was sick. I said no I’m fine. She said “so why do you look like that?” and i didn’t know what she meant at first but she kept pressing until i realized she meant i wasn’t wearing makeup.

I was kind of annoyed at her being so bothered by this but i tried to stay calm and explained that i only wear makeup on special occasions. I REALLY should not have said this because this apparently ruined her whole weekend. she started freaking out about how i don’t consider seeing her to be a special occasion and ended up leaving the family gathering early and in tears.

The next day was the memorial day parade and it was my nephew’s first time marching in the marching band, so kind of a special occasion but still casual. my aunt however, still angry from my “special occasion” comment, showed up in stained pajamas with her hair unbrushed. when my mom asked her to explain herself she just said “well [me] doesn’t think it’s a special occasion, so why should i bother?” she attended the parade like that and repeated that line every time someone asked if she was okay or why she was dressed like that.

the rest of my family thinks she’s being unreasonable but that it’s also on me to talk her down from this grudge she’s holding or else she’s going to keep acting out. what do i do???

EDIT: This has been updated here PLEASE read this update before commenting, especially if you’re just here to insult my aunt. (end of edit)

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Is the aunt always like this

i honestly don’t know. She hasn’t been a major presence in my life even before she left the country. My mom has described her as a drama queen but i mostly just chalked that up to a typical sister dynamic. I hadn’t heard of her having any outbursts like this before.

When told to ignore the aunt

i’d love to agree with you but a lot of my family (esp. my mom’s side) is going to be really upset with me if i don’t at least attempt to defuse this situation. i know i’m not the one in the wrong here but i think i can only start ignoring her after i’ve done something to cool her down to avoid turning this into a worse situation than it already is. i love my family and i want to keep the peace

  May 30, 2024

Original post:

Hi all, there have been some unexpected developments in this situation that i wanted to share.

Despite that most of you suggested that I just ignore her, I felt a sense of obligation (and was under a lot of familial pressure) to try to get her one on one and attempt to communicate. Yesterday I brought her a fresh baked loaf of bread as a gesture of goodwill and called and told my uncle to warn her that I was coming over to talk. He had been off visiting his own parents over memorial day weekend so he’d only heard about her freakout.

It did NOT go well. I tried to gently explain to her that when I said special occasion i meant FORMAL occasion and that I always think it’s special to see her and the rest of the family. She completely rejected my explanation and said i “can’t tell someone they’re not special and just turn around and say nevermind” and said some nasty things about my appearance since i again was not wearing makeup. She finished out by taking the loaf I made for her and making sure I watched as she threw it in the garbage. At this point i said “I tried, I’m done, i can’t help you” and left.

My uncle stopped me as I was leaving the house looking really upset. i assumed he was just embarrassed over my aunt’s outburst but he asked me to take a walk with him so he could talk.

We walked around the neighborhood and he apologized for how my aunt has been acting but started to cry. when he was able to talk again he admitted that the reason they had come home from traveling in europe is that my aunt had been diagnosed with early onset dementia.

A lot of people were making jokes about that in the responses but it turned out to be the actual explanation. She had never been on a hair trigger like that before she started showing signs. he wanted to keep it private until they weren’t able to keep it private anymore and he was having a hard time accepting that that time had already arrived.

We cried together for a while and he agreed that he needs to start the process of telling the family about her condition and looking in to getting her some extra help. I talked to my mom about it afterwards and she’s really upset. She was scared that something like this might be the case because the way she showed up to the parade looking like a mess was so out of character, and that’s why she wanted me to try to resolve it; she assumed that such a reaction meant i must have done something for it to at least partially be my fault. A lot of people had assumed she was just a lifelong narcissist who always acted out to get her way, but this is new behavior for her.

Ultimately I’m glad that I tried to make amends if it led to the truth. I quickly went from resenting my aunt to feeling extremely bad for her. Dementia runs in my family but it usually takes til the late 80s or early 90s to set in. To deal with a disease that attacks her mind and personality so young is so awful for her, for my uncle, and for their kids. So yeah. If your older loved ones suddenly start acting nasty in a way that they’ve never been before, maybe that’s not nothing. Watch out for yourselves and your loved ones y’all.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Complete_Entry

Your mom was still grossly unfair to you.

OOP

i’m not going to blame her. We don’t always act rationally when faced with stressful situations that we’ve never experienced before. No one except for me and my aunt witnessed the initial interaction that led to her freaking out, people only saw when she started yelling and crying. My mom probably thought I wasn’t telling the whole story.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is

AIW: For going on a "date-night" with my wife's friend?

Originally posted to

May 29, 2024

I went out for dinner with one of my wife's friend last week when my wife was out of town. I wanted some honest opinions on if I did something wrong here and how big of trouble I am in.

So, to give full context, my wife was away for a week visiting her parents. She has a friend Amanda who she has been friends with for many years. Amanda has had a rough patch, where she broke up with her boyfriend and also lost her job. My wife has been supportive of her. Last week, Amanda had an interview and asked my wife if she could give her a ride home from the airport. As my wife was out of town, and my office is near the airport, my wife asked me if I can give her a ride on my way back from work. I did not have any plans and agreed. Amanda and I are not really friends, and I only interact with her when we meet socially.

I told Amanda to message me when her flight gets to the airport, and I can pick her up. I picked her up around 6pm and we were driving home. We were just having small talk about the new company she was interviewing at and her work in general. Amanda told me she does not have any food at home and if we can stop by at a drive thru so that she can pick up some food. I was also hungry, and I suggested we can stop by somewhere and have quick dinner before I drop her home. She agreed and started searching for places on the way. She punched in an address to a restaurant on the way and we drove to that place.

We did not know this, but this place was pretty fancy Italian restaurant. She said, this looks too fancy, and I said we are already here, so let's eat. I messaged my wife we are getting dinner, and she said ok. We had a pretty fun evening and a nice dinner. She had a few drinks, and I did not since I was driving. We generally never talk much, but she opened up to me and we had a very nice chat. I never knew Amanda and I had so much in common and liked the same music and movies. I did not notice, but we were at the restaurant for one and a half hour. Amanda was taking pictures during dinner and also asked the server to take our picture at the end of the meal. I dropped Amanda home, she gave me a quick hug and said thanks for such a nice evening. I called my wife; told her I dropped Amanda and am heading home. She seemed busy and I just let her know I reached home and said good night.

This is where things got a bit weird. Amanda messaged me around 11pm saying thanks for the ride and she had a good time. She sent me our picture together. I saw the message, and just liked it to acknowledge it. Later that night, Amanda shared some of the photos from our dinner on her Instagram, including our photo together and captioned it as dinner with friend. I am not friends with Amanda on Instagram and did not see it.

Next morning, my wife called me and asked me how my "date night" with Amanda was. I laughed it off and thought she was teasing me. But my wife sounded pissed off and kept on asking me about all the details like when I got home, which I was happy to provide. That night, my wife called me again and told me that Amanda told her about the night before. The issue was Amanda made the dinner sound way nicer than what it was. She kept on praising me for how I was a gentleman, and treated me better than most of her dates, how I am a good listener, paid for the whole thing, etc. I feel Amanda also added fuel to the fire by telling my wife all the wonderful things I did for her during the evening.

My wife feels I should have asked her before inviting Amanda to such a fancy place for a romantic dinner. She was also pissed that hundreds of people liked Amanda's post on Instagram and she feels disrespected that her husband is going out on "date night" with her single friend when she was out of town. She also jokingly asked me how our goodnight kiss was, and I told her it was just a hug. That seemed to make her angrier. I have not even told her about the late-night message from Amanda, and me liking the picture with a heart emoji, because I am too scared at this point.

I wanted to ask if I was wrong to invite Amanda for dinner, when both of us were starving and it was dinner time. Do you think my wife is wrong and overreacting to all of this? I was just being nice to her friend (who she asked me to drive home). I also communicated with my wife all through the night and she seemed ok with it at the time. She only got offended after she saw Amanda's insta post. Should I call Amanda and tell her to talk to my wife and explain it was just a friendly meal and I was not being inappropriate?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Significant_Beyond95

YTA - Would you be okay if your wife went to a nice dinner out and had drinks with a single male friend of yours, not hers, hugged him, took pictures, all without asking you if it bothered you and not telling you what happened and you found out from social media?

The fact is casual observers interpret you going on a date with a woman that isn’t your wife. Getting drive-thru is one thing, this is another.

OOP

I just went for dinner with her. I was expecting to go to a diner or something but was a nice meal anyways.

Yes, I understand if my wife would have done all those things, it would have bothered me. However, I was messaging my wife thru the night, and she never once raised a flag that she was uncomfortable. I also talked to my wife after I dropped Amanda. I think her problem started the next morning after she saw the Instagram pics.

~

hick_rick

Feels like ah, nta all at the same time.

Seems like there’s a level of naivety around the escalating situation. The early portions of your story are definitely innocent and honestly what a lot of people would do for close friends of a SO. But how could you not see this escalated into an awkward situation? Fancy romantic dinner setting, potentially intimate conversations, bit of PDA towards the end.

At no point in the evening did it occur to you “this feels like a date?”

Probably owe your wife an apology regarding the misunderstanding.

OOP

I will be honest here. I was slightly annoyed I had to pick Amanda at the airport because I had my whole evening planned out. I was going to go home, get drunk and play Sea of Thieves with my friends.

I really did not notice we were in restaurant for such a long time. The dinner was not romantic at all, but you know how pictures on insta can look.

In hindsight, I know why my wife is mad at me, and I am just scared at this point for the fallout. Help!

OOP on what kind of restaurant it was

It was not one of the "unlimited breadsticks" places. It was more like a fancy steakhouse, but Amanda picked it. My wife was completely fine with the dinner until she saw the pictures on Instagram.

Why he paid for dinner

So, i payed because I always offer to pay. I am lucky to live a comfortable life and I hate splitting bills. I also always offer to pay when I go with my friends too.

May 30, 2024

I made a about going out for dinner with my wife's friend when my wife was out of town visiting her parents last week. She posted our photos on Instagram and it would be an understatement to say that my wife was not happy about it. I have been getting cold treatment from her since the incident. A lot of the comments made me believe that I something really horrible. However, I knew in my heart that I did not have any wrong intentions and decided to just be honest with my wife.

She came home yesterday evening, and I went to pick her up at the airport. I went on my charm offensive and got some flowers and chocolates on my way. While my wife was happy to see me after two weeks, I could see she was a bit annoyed by me. I asked her if she wants to stop by for dinner at a restaurant and she gave me a look, and told me to keep driving and we will order takeout. She also asked me to cut the bullshit and be normal.

After we reached home, we settled in and I got the dinner ready. I decided to be direct and asked her why the incident is really bothering her. I told her that I know she is not an insecure person, and she also knows I would never put myself in an inappropriate position. While I understood why she would be annoyed by the situation, I would not expect her to doubt me. She was the one who trusted me to pick up her friend in the evening from airport. As it was dinner time, and her friend said she was hungry, it would have been rude of me to not offer to get food for her. Also, my wife knows that I always offer to pay for dinners, irrespective if it is my friends or hers. It is just the way I was brought up and we have fights during family gatherings on who gets to pay. I asked her what was the thing that was exactly bothering her and why she was ok during the night when I kept her updated about everything, but got upset in the morning.

My wife told me that the whole situation smelled funky to her. She told me that she does not doubt me one bit that I had any wrong intentions. However, the optics of it all was really bad for her. She said that she is not upset at me getting dinner for her friend. She would expect me to do that, and Amanda also appreciates it. She said that the issue started early morning when her mom barged into her room to show her Amanda's post. Her mom thought I was going out with Amanda behind my wife's back. My wife told her that she knew I took her out for dinner and told her about what happened. She then got a lecture from her mom about how naive she was, and this is how affairs start. My wife said that it annoyed her a lot. Her mom also looked up the restaurant and told my wife that it was a very pricey place and was voted "Best Place for Romantic Dates" by some magazine. She said her mom completely freaked out after seeing my picture with Amanda. So, my wife looked up our credit card statement and realized I had spent a lot on the meal.

She also said that Amanda has a huge social media following on Instagram and posts a lot. I think she is like a fitness influencer or something, but I don't really follow her. Even though most of the pictures in her post were of food, the last photo of me and her looked like a "boyfriend reveal" as we were sitting next to each other. She told me I won't understand as I am not on Instagram, but this is how people announce they are dating someone now a days. As the day went on, Amanda got more than 1K likes on the post, while a lot of people commenting and saying we looked nice. She was annoyed Amanda did not correct any of them. So, she called Amanda in the evening to ask her to take the last picture down. However, Amanda kept on praising me and how I was charming and fun. Amanda told her that for all these years, she felt I was snobbish and pretentious (I am a huge introvert, so I come off that way), but she was wrong. My wife said this was annoying because she has never seen me be charming with any of her friends before when she is around. Amanda was talking about all my favorite bands, and how we should all go to see a concert sometimes. Amanda told her she posted our photo because she has never been treated to such a nice place before and wanted to acknowledge me in the post. My wife never asked her to take down the picture because of that.

She then had a lot of questions for me as to when I dropped her off, why I walked her to the apartment building door and when I got home. I told her I can show you exact times and receipts for everything, but do we really want to be that couple who questions each other about every little detail. She can check when we got the credit card charge, the messages I sent her after dropping Amanda and our ring camera in garage and come to her own conclusions. She asked me if she thought Amanda was flirting with me during the night, and I told her that was not the case. Infact, Amanda messaged me our photo at night, and I just sent an emoji instead of engaging in a conversation (mostly because I was busy with my video game). That chapter was closed for us and neither Amanda nor I messaged each other after that. Amanda is my wife's friend and I do not intend to be close friends with her anyways, as I have my own friends. I also insisted to her that Amanda was not inappropriate in anyway during the night and maintained proper boundaries. So, this incident should not affect her friendship with Amanda. Infact, if Amanda had any bad intentions, she knew my wife was out for the rest of the week, and would have tried to message me again. But, she forgot about the evening and so should we.

Overall, my wife seems to be back to normal after the conversation. My wife is not an insecure person. I could see why she would be annoyed by the situation. However, I know in my heart that I will never disrespect our marriage and I had no reason to be sneaky or lie about the situation to her. I am glad we talked it through, and I was able to answer all her questions. Thanks again for all your suggestions.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Flynn_JM

How much was the dinner?

OOP

It was around 300 dollars overall with tips and stuff. The food was pretty good though.

Flynn_JM

300? How many courses did you get?

OOP

Five I think. We skipped the desert course though coz it was too much food.

I remember the song because it is one of my fav bands. It was "Every Little Thing" by Police.

Flynn_JM

Five? So an app, a pasta, a meat? What else? Did she keep ordering or did you?

That's def a romantic song. No wonder her followers think you're her new boyfriend. Lol. And she's just letting then think that?

When you go to that concert, get ready for her to maneuver some pics with just you. You know, for the fans. 🙄

What music went over the insta post?

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

Thanks to for finding this BORU

1 update - Medium

- 25th May 2024

- 4th June 2024

AITAH for ignoring my husband after he came home wearing a shirt his “work wife” bought him?

I (F30s) have been with my husband (M30s) for 5 years. Recently in the last year he has started a new job position, where his role is shared with his co-worker, Chelsea (F20s). I’ve noticed that his co-worker, “Chelsea”, has increasingly pushed my limits of comfortability and I frankly just don’t trust her. I’ve known Chelsea and her family for years prior to my marriage and I wasn’t keen on her then either.

She does and says strange things that I don’t believe are malicious, but it’s almost like she wants to be a second wife to him? I don’t feel insecure about her but I feel creeped out. She’s shared with me that she sees my husband as like her brother. Which irks me because she has an awesome brother…and I’m friends with her brother. She often calls, texts, and facetimes about work related and unrelated topics and I’ve heard someone refer to her as his “work wife”.

Unfortunately, my MIL passed last month, and it has been utter hell. In the midst of grief, Chelsea texted asking how my husband was doing and how she “cries every day thinking about him” and had told me that she knows exactly what I’m going through (no she doesn’t) and that she can’t wait to give my husband a huge hug. Fast forward a little bit and she was drunk at a party and saw my husband leaving, where she confronted him on why he was leaving.

He told her “I didn’t think I had to tell you what I’m doing”, resulting in her panic texting him after to make sure they were okay and trying to get him to talk to her by saying, “you can open up and talk to me or vent or just tell me to stfu”. Strange to me. Theres been more instances but I know I have a limit. Anyways, his birthday was last week and she called him asking his shirt size and she made it a point to let him know she’ll never forget his birthday. Like why are you so creepy sometimes gf.

Yesterday, I’m cleaning the kitchen when he walks in and I notice it’s an unfamiliar shirt. I asked if it was new and he said “Chelsea got it for me” and my blood boiled. Instant rage and I went quiet. He asked if I cared and I remained silent and walked away. I’m usually a huge communicator, but his mom just passed and he asked for no drama, and I’m trying my hardest to respect that, but I know I have zero patience and want to tell him it’s effing weird how involved a coworker is trying to become in his life and she needs to back down and focus on her own engagement.

Everyone I talk to says I’m not in the wrong and she’s being creepy, but I feel bad for ignoring my husband and walking away from him. I saw he looked upset and confused, but I know he’s already overwhelmed with grief and don’t want to make things worse. So, AITAH?

Comments

canyonemoon

Talk to your husband immediately and say "this isn't drama, this is threatening our relationship. You need to set boundaries with this coworker and you need to do it now. No more calling her your work wife, no more of this weird clingy friendship. You become coworkers and you draw lines, this is too much and that shirt is the last straw. Stop it now. You might not see it, but she's either inappropriate by nature or she's trying to start an affair."

Winter-Object-6496

I don't know your communication but i would just sit him down and ask bluntly If he's interested in having an affair with Chelsea, because she's trying hard to get with him. If he's trying to downplay the situation ask him if he would be okay with you flirting and texting with one of your male acquaintances.

In the long run he has to cut this woman out of his life. She seems to doesn't know how to have a platonic friendship with him.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 10 days later

Update: Okay, we have news! So just to clarify some things first. For some additional background.

1-I have known Chelsea and her family prior to my marriage through some mutual connections and her family being very very close with my ex and his family (hence some hesitancy). I became close friends with her brother and he became a part of my group of friends etc. etc. She did not meet my husband until they both started working for the same company. So, I was not very close with Chelsea, but we always saw and interacted cordially.

2-I did not tell Chelsea his shirt size. She called my husband and asked him his shirt size, where he told her. I would have never told her his size and would have made some joke saying that he has enough shirts and not to bother buying him anymore.

3-I wish I added this in earlier, but my husband and I have had conversations about my feelings regarding Chelsea and her behaviors. I’ve tried everything from being sweet, aloof, concerned, and out right angry. Each time I’ve been met with some variation of he understands, but Chelsea is ‘neurotic’… He never dismisses my feeling outright, but he attempts to be sensitive to her mental state and says that he has no issue stepping in if/when necessary. However, I’ve found it necessary, and its clear he isn’t trying to have the confrontation up until the shirt event.

4-My husband requesting no drama stems from a series of events that occurred within his family and work life that drained his emotional battery leading him to just ask for smooth sailing and finding his new normal. I do have a history of struggling to manage my anger during arguments, but I have taken the steps and done what is necessary to address my anger to make sure my marriage does not suffer, and we have been amazing! I did want to be mindful that what he has endured with family and other aspects of his life has impacted his mood, which led him to openly ask the universe for some peace and no drama, which made me internalize his message. Also, we are scheduled to have our first marriage counseling session this up coming week just to really make sure we iron out any issues, and wanted to make sure when I had my update that I had some juice and evidence of change to give ya’ll.

As for the talk. It went…amazing. I sat down with my husband and just told him that there were some things that I wanted to bring to his attention and included a variation of what was in the comments along with my own words to really drive home the fact that I’m beyond over my limit and wanted him to have it on his radar.

My husband was very attentive and validating. We talked for a while and although there were moments where we both didn’t seem to understand one another we tried hard to use some ‘fair fighting’ rules I’ve gotten from my therapist, and that really seemed to help. He gave me his point of view and we talked about how my walking away made him feel awful and how I was upset that he knew I would be mad seeing him wearing the shirt.

I made sure to accept my role in this situation and he was able to do the same. Turns out that my husband has already had a chat with Chelsea and put her in her place post my reaction. Leading Chelsea to then have a three day temper tantrum and constantly seeking reassurance and validation from my husband. In the form of texts and in-person harassment.

My husband finally had enough and told her that if she didn’t knock it off that he would pursue this through his chain of command and HR. That seemed to stop her in her tracks, sorta, where she then started to tell him that she was having ‘troubles at home’, and my husband responded with, “Sorry to hear that, good luck with everything.”

She did not like this. He has since then put up some serious boundaries and we both came up with some ideas that we were both comfortable with and won’t stress out his work environment more. I can’t thank this community enough for helping me get my ass in gear. For all comments…the loving and supportive, ugly and blunt, and the indifferent, I thank you all for taking your time to share your input. This could have possibly saved my marriage.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost. I'm not the original poster and have not opened up my relationship because I saw it on TikTok. Please don't harrass me again. I don't need advice about this situation. The OOP is u/.ThrowRA_Sleeptime .

---

December 21, 2022

I (25F) begged for an open relationship, 8 months in he leaves me

8 months ago I (25f) asked my partner 28m) for an open relationship as I got bored with him, (nothing wrong but he just didn't excite me much) and he agreed, but he proceeded to tell me there's a catch, "if he catches feelings for a partner he's going to leave me for her" and that's exactly what happened and I want him back in my arms He left me for his new partner (28-29ishF)

What can I do to win the love of my life back??

---

[Notable Comments]

He spelt it out for you. “I am inevitably going to break up with you, I am agreeing to an open relationship so I can look for a new partner.” don’t be surprise. You are now sleeping in the bed you made.

But, I have a way to get him back. Go to sleep, and dream that he’s back in your arms.

[OP]:

I didn't take that seriously, I didn't think he'd mean it!

---

I saw this and thought this likely a troll post. Then I started seeing your comments and I thought, this must be a troll post.

However, I see this comment and I am suddenly like wait a minute, is it possible that someone is so inherently selfish that they truly believe the world revolves around them? Then I realized, you know what, maybe there is and you are one of those people.

No one has been giving you a real answer because they likely think similar to me and cannot imagine anyone so selfish exists. Think about what you said here for a second, you said:

8 months ago I (25f) asked my partner 28m) for an open relationship as I got bored with him, (nothing wrong but he just didn't excite me much)

You also say here:

I gave him sex isn't that interesting enough?

So, if you really are unable to put the dots together, I will say it extremely clearly. You got bored of him, yet you thought he wouldn't get bored of you just because you "give" him sex? He gave you sex, but yet you got bored of him. Why would it be different for him than you? You say elsewhere you didn't tell him this, which completely misses the point. Suppose for a second you are your boyfriend and you were approached with this (I realize this must be borderline impossible for you as you still think the world revolves around you, but try really really hard if you ever want to understand). If he is told that his girlfriend wants to have sex with other people, that obviously implies she finds the sex with him to be not enough (likely boring, but you can choose one of a hundred other words as well that will all imply the same general idea). When he finds someone that doesn't think of him as boring, why wouldn't he feel more of a connection to that person?

Do you genuinely not understand this concept? If not, can you explain more why this doesn't make sense to you? Honestly, at this point I am getting a morbid curiousity for just how selfish it's possible for someone to be, so I do expect I will enjoy your response to this.

[OP]:

Well I only got bored cause if my ADHD my minds not on him all the time, him as a PERSON has never bored me, I gave him sex alot cause I thought it make things better It's not on my BF it's on ADHD

---

December 24, 2022, 3 days later

Probably nobody asked for this, but here's an update I was kicked out of his house last Sunday, that's 6 days now And I excruciatingly miss him, I will do anything to get him to return to me but he looks happy on social media with his new partner that I'm pretty sure he was cheating on me with.

Anyways I tried calling him, no answer, I saw him in public And he pretend to not even know who the fuck I was He won't acknowledge my existence, so I went to our former place just to talk, and things got hostile, his new Gf hates me for some reason, I didn't even know her, and she proceeded to try and attack me, while he tried to split us up And get me out the door.

When he had his back turned she MACED me. And now HE'S trying to file a restraining order on ME! The hell did I do wrong? She attacked me and pepper sprayed me.

How can I convince him he's dating a psychopath?

---

[Notable Comments]

Honey you have to leave him alone. You opened up the relationship because you were BORED, he told you he would leave if he found someone new, and he found someone who doesn’t treat him like a backup sex doll.

What are you expecting? Things can’t just go back to normal, it’s far past that point.

You like the chase, not the prize. You’d just get bored again and the cycle would repeat.

[OP]:

I won't this time

---

You did this, and HE DID NOT CHEAT, leave him alone and go find someone else!

[OP]:

I didn't sleep with anyone yet either

---

December 31, 2022

This will probably be the last update, The restraining order has been filled, and I am not allowed within 100 ft of my ex Harry and his new Gf Jess.

I'm planning to move back to my home in Arizona and start over, they're happy, and I just want to find peace with my self

Thanks for everyone's advice and opinions, Yes I was already in therapy, and I am still in therapy Please, anyone my age or younger listen to my advice Tik Tok is not cool, please delete it, it's done me nothing but harm, and other people's stupidity can really poison your minds, in living proof

Thank you, take care!

---

[Notable Comments]

Serious question, is this a fake post or are you just a fucking idiot?

[OP]:

I really don't want to say the second, but it isn't fake

---

What are we doing next?

u/.EbonyUmbreon:

Kidnapping. This girl’s going to be the next Netflix documentary

---

This is a repost. I'm not the original poster and do not need advice. Don't harass me.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Ongoing as per OOP

Thanks to for finding this BORU

2 updates - Long

- 19th May 2024

- 20th May 2024

- 21st May 2024

Aita for losing my shit on my husband on the day of his family reunion?

I’m a 35 y.o f married to a 38 y.o. Man. We have been together for 10 years and have 2 children 9 and 5. My husband works very hard he has multiple jobs he works throughout the week. Recently we had a discussion about taking time off and spending some time together. It is difficult because of things in his past he accumulated a lot of debt which is why he works so much.

I work 60+hrs a week and take care of the household and childcare things while much of his income goes to paying his debts. I keep up with the household I do the house work, and lawn work, repairs etc and he contributes where he can. With in this year he has taken time off for family and co-worker events. He has scheduled time to take trips with his friends, and when he does so I’m the designated baby sitter.

Many days after he gets home he is responsible for his parents. He takes them grocery shopping fixes things at their household and does some of their housework. I forgot to mention he is one of 5 and all 4 siblings live close to his parental home. His parents assist in child care for his siblings but not for ours.

I’ve told him my frustrations of being consistently placed on the back burner. The other day I lost it, I found out he invited his family to our house for a family reunion last week. I thought he took time off of work and he didn’t. The house was a mess, and most of the mess is his. I was expected to clean the house, get the groceries, run the kids to their weekend events.

Start cooking and get the reunion set up as he set the time for 4pm the time he gets out of work. The kids are helpful in doing their chores and cleaning their rooms. I got the house clean and by the time his family started pouring in I was stewing as he was at work. He asked me why there weren’t any clean towels as he was going to take a shower and I freaked out in front of his whole family.

I ran down the list of how I am always on the back burner for “these people” how I am one person and I’m the one contributing to the household while he works just to pay off his debts, how I have no security or support in this relationship and that he is like having another child and that all I feel like I’m worth is an occasional fuck whenever he is in the mood. I let it all out.

I ended with im done, I packed a bag and I took off. I’m sat in a parking lot hysterical. And no the kids weren’t present they were outside playing. He is a good father to the kids but as a husband I feel like I am better off by myself. I have so much resentment towards him. And no he hasn’t called he texted me “loud and clear” which made me even more angry because THIS IS EXACTLY HOW HE DEALS WITH EVERYTHING! I’m now feeling like an asshole for going off and saying all I did especially in front of his family. Aita?

Comments

VegetableBusiness897

Sooooo

Tell him to move in with his parents while he pays off his debt. That way he can care for them, hang with his friends, take the kids on the weekends and do whatever he wants to do with no consideration of you.

Then you can enjoy your home children and weekends to relax all with and one less giant child to care for.

And then when his debts are paid, you two can sit down and decide if the best course of action is separated lives.

NTA

Top_Put1541

Seriously, his parents have been fine with exploiting you so they can benefit from the fruit of Sonny Boy’s life, they can have their defective son back.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 1 day later

Update wow oh wow! Thank you all for all the advice, the kind words and some kick in the pants type of support. I came here to see if I was the asshole and was body slammed with a lot of harsh truths. I’m not going to lie, much of it was cathartic to hear that I’m not the asshole and it hurts to hear that I am being taken advantage of. So, here’s where I’m at.

After the “loud and clear” text I was bombarded with phone calls and texts from his family. I sent a message to my husband to give me some space and if he had any care for me and this relationship to call off his dogs. I put my phone on do not disturb with the exception of my children’s ipad. I had called my mother, sent her some money and she picked them up for a special grandma date/sleep over.

Once they were there I face timed them and told them I was working. I’m not working. I had a secret rainy day fund and splurged on a nice hotel and spa day, had a few drink, cried my eyes out some more and just spent the day unplugged and journaled all my feelings. (I haven’t had time to do any of that in a very long time). After that I mustered up the courage to open Reddit and read my fate and wow was I surprised! I was fully expecting a ton of “you ARE the asshole” comments.

To clear up a few things. I shamefully do not know the lengths of his debts, much of it was from his parents putting bills in his name, others is just mismanagement of money credit cards etc. I took over the finances after I found a letter in the mail saying that we were going to lose the house. I was contributing to the household bills at the time and he was doing the finances. I trusted things were well.

This was after marriage and after kids. We went to counseling because of it and he said he was ashamed and afraid to tell me the truth. I took over about 3 years ago and I told him to focus on clearing his debt and I’d hold the household down while he did. I did not expect it to take this long and with inflation everything has just become more expensive and that much more hard for me.

I was supposed to go back to school and that was put on hold so I could catch up on what we were behind, hence the working 60+ hours. Im a nurse and I work 12hr shifts and capitalize on overtime where I can. I agree with the comment saying im burnt out, I realized this today. I realized at work or at home im constantly in critical thinking care giver mode.

My job is to care and problem solve for everyone but myself. To clear up the comment of his family doesn’t watch our kids is because they did so one time and threw it in our faces and I said never again. I see how they use him, I have said something before and he returns with “one day they won’t be here and I’ll wish I could have done more.” I told him that’s fine but you have siblings that are equally responsible, some that don’t have spouses or kids that can contribute.

As far as the house and things go he does really help when he can (don’t jump on me I just want to be truthful) I think it came across that he comes home and does nothing, he just works up to 16 hours 7 days a week so a lot of times it’s me doing the majority of it. As far as the trips goes… yeah…. That’s a sore spot…He tells me about them, he takes the day off, it pisses me off.

I have to BEG for time and if and when we do get it we end up in a fight or I have to plan everything or we can’t get sitters and sit home and he sleeps all day. And to be honest I’m so full of resentment that it’s almost too little too late. Like when I’m around him I’m just so pissed off! He says I always have an attitude and that he’s trying but nothing is ever good enough.

So, I just stopped and accepted my fate, hence the blow up. I haven’t spoken to him yet besides telling him to call off his family, he was part of the dnd on my phone. I’m enjoying the peace, I’m enjoying being by myself, and just being present and aware of my feelings. Knowing my kids are safe and I can truly take some time for myself and my mental health right now is everything.

I know tomorrow I have to go back to reality and deal with everything. I promise to update when I can. I’m sorry to leave you all hanging if this isn’t the update you had hoped for. I just want to enjoy this escape a little while longer while I can before my world implodes. Thank you all and please keep the advice coming, I truly am alone on this one and need all the advice and support I can get.

Comments

recyclopath_

Every single day he is lighting you on fire to keep his parents warm. It's a choice he is making. If he had his way he would have made your children homeless.

He won't even tell you the extent of the debts and you stayed with him. What the fuck are you doing?

How do you know he stopped over spending? How do you know his parents aren't taking out more debt in his name?

How can you trust him?

He won't even tell you the extent of the damage.

You are killing yourself for him. You are not able to be fully present for your children for him. He can't even be honest with you.

Update - 1 day later

Update Thank you all again for all the advice. I woke up this morning with a clear head. I’m still upset, and disappointed. I had tons of voicemails from his family, I don’t have the energy to listen through them all. I don’t care, like I said I’m angry but I also feel embarrassed.

I did call my husband this morning. I could tell by his voice he didn’t sleep last night and he confirmed that he in fact did not. He told me after the blow up he asked everyone to leave. He was surprised to see my mother as I sent her to pick up the kids. He said that’s when it really became real.

We had a long conversation. I did apologize for exploding and doing so when I did and not communicating better. He said he understands why I felt like I couldn’t and was actually glad it happened the way it did. His family finally got to see how much they affected his home. According to him, after I left he laid into them and told them that he can no longer be the only one to help his family out and that a lot of the mess he’s in is their fault. He said that after the blow up he told his siblings they need to step up and help with his parents.

His parents were obviously upset with the whole ordeal. I couldn’t care less to be honest. They couldn’t believe that they are “such a burden because they ask for a little help from time to time”. I just rolled my eyes in disgust as he was talking.

My new space along with my feelings of hurt and anger just let me speak all my truths. I had nothing left to give or lose so I told him how I felt about everything. He sat in silence for a while, then finally broke down and said he feels like a failure. He’s ashamed of the debt, and how much he has let us down. He said he was exhausted and has been feeling depressed because he couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and feels as though he’s ruined our future. That he goes out with his friends to feel “normal and himself” because all he does is work. That he does this because of this black cloud that’s been hanging over him.

I wasn’t my best self in this moment and told him to save me the self pity it’s pathetic. That he got himself into this mess and I’m digging him out. I’m fucking depressed too, there’s a ton of shit I want to do that I can’t do because I’m financially unable to do so. I went off how over the past 3 years his income has gone solely to debt repayment yet there’s no end in sight, because I haven’t even seen the so called debt! I’ve given him my all and as much support as I could gather but I’m angry. This isn’t the life I pictured or set myself up for either. It’s not the life my kids deserve, Ive missed out on so much because I’m working or I’m cleaning or I’m just so tired I can’t even open my eyes. I told him he has no one to blame but himself.

I think my disdain was concerning. He said he will show and prove, that he will print out his credit report and list out all the debt he has along with all his pay stubs and bank records and the receipts of what’s paid off and whatever else I want as far as his finances are concerned. He promised me my hard work was not in vain and that he is almost debt free. Come to find out his parents opened credit cards and bills in his name when he was younger and accrued close to 100k of debt in his name, not including interest, they trashed his credit and that’s why it has taken so long.

According to him, he has been fighting with the collection companies to settle, trying to consolidate or get a lower interest as it was multiple companies and debts. What I didn’t know is some were so bad his wages were being garnished. He was in tears and said he didn’t know how to tell me, that he didn’t even know the extent of what they did. He was basically working all these hours with nothing to take home to us and accruing more debt just to survive. I stayed silent. My blood was boiling. He didn’t even realize he just helped me make my decision.

He jokingly said my outburst took care of the family situation and that is why he texted me “loud and clear” meaning he and they got the message I told him I didn’t find it funny. It’s a shame that it took an outburst from me for everyone to hear what I’ve been saying all along. That he’s an idiot for not filing charges on his parents and just taking it up the ass and allowing it to ruin my life and the children we created lives. I told him he’s apíñeles and I feel so stupid! He said he didn’t call me because he knew how mad I was and was scared he would say the wrong thing and say things just like that.

I thanked him for the honesty and the conversation and told him I am so broken angry and hurt right now that I can’t even pick up my pieces let alone his. Right now I need to clear my head. He said he’s willing to do whatever it takes to turn this around, he even suggested marriage counseling. He told me he used his PTO and took the rest of the week off to work on this. I lost it and sobbed uncontrollably. If it was that easy to take time off, why now and not then? I asked him why didn’t I matter before we got here? Why now? I told him he needs the time off to find counseling both personal and legal. That I won’t be coming home.

He asked me if I was serious, he begged me to rethink my decision. He said all the things I’ve been wanting to hear. He asked me where I was going to go, and what about the kids and the house and the bills. That I couldn’t tear the kids from the only home they know. I simply replied I know this is what needs to be done and I’ve already set the ball in motion. He hung up on me.

I cried then went to get the kids. We are going to have a wonderful week in a somewhat fancy hotel and swim in the pool and order room service and make some memories. I took some of the money I had saved in my rainy day fund and extended my hotel stay to include me and the kids. I have an awful lot to catch up on with them. The look on their faces when I said “no mommy doesn’t have to work tonight was priceless” I also have an appointment with legal consultants tomorrow. Hopefully I can talk to a lawyer and figure out what’s next. Wish me luck everyone and thanks again.

Comments

HelpStatistician

make sure the lawyer knows what the debt situation is and try to get a credit report, make him send you the log in not just a screenshot so you can see his ENTIRE credit history. Show your lawyer which ones you indicted were fraud. 100k would put your kids through university, that's a house down payment! Not to mention interest!

He decided the family he came from is more important than the family he made with you so you're going to put yourself and your kids first now.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

WIBTA If I break up with my BF after he told me his secret?

Thanks to and for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: invasion of privacy

---

: May 9, 2024

I (24F) have been dating my boyfriend (23M) for 1 year now, we met on Tinder 2 years ago but I had trust issues so it took time for me to be official. We have a good relationship, he is caring, sweet, and funny. We have a few fights here and there, but nothing major. I moved in with him last month.

So last night, he was working on his mac while I was uploading a backup file to one of his drives. I found a spreadsheet and asked him if I should delete it since the drive was empty. He came over and opened it as he didn't remember what it was. It contained roughly 25-30 names, email addresses, and phone numbers, including my details. I laughed and asked what it was, and his face turned red. He told me that this was from when he was learning hacking about 2 years ago and testing his skills on people. Every few months, he develops a new hobby that doesn't stick for more than 2-3 months, I think it's because he has ADHD and OCD. Nowadays, he is learning guitar.

Then I asked him if he got my email and phone number before he knew me, and he said yes. He told me he got lucky because two of my accounts were compromised, and that's how he found my details. I asked him why he didn't tell me this before, and he said he was going to but he forgot and he was sorry for doing this. Then he asked me not to tell anyone because people would be creeped out by it, and no one knows about this.

I love him, but after learning about that, I can't look at him the same way. He now seems like a crazy stalker who used my social media to get with me. I am in this dilemma where I don't know if I should break up over this issue or not. Everything else in the relation is almost perfect.

Relevant Comments

OOP on if her boyfriend had a list of the past relationships

OOP: but there were men on the list too and he is straight also he showed me sites form where my data got leaked

OOP responds on if those entries on the list were “trophies”

OOP: I dont think it was "trophies" because there were men in the list too and he is straight and the spreadsheet hasnt been updated since 2 years, atleast he was telling the truth but the whole situation is weird for me and also he opened it front of me like he didnt even know what was inside.

Has the boyfriend made changes after he and OOP got together? And if he was telling her the truth

OOP: the sheet was updated roughly 2 years ago atleast he was telling the truth but the whole situation is weird for me and also he opened it front of me as if he didnt even know what was inside.

Yeah, he haven't hide any details and he even showed me how he did it with my account. I think I should talk about this issue rather than posting it. thanks

I think he stopped because the sheet was last updated 2 years ago. I have 2FA but we already know each others passwords and use each others devices all the time.

 

: May 29, 2024

hi, I posted a few weeks ago about my problem.

Last post:

After my post, I got some good advice but didn’t know how to confront him. I was hurt and felt betrayed but tried to act normal. After a day, he asked if I wanted to talk about what happened. I told him that he had hurt me and betrayed my trust by invading my privacy before even knowing me. He said it was a long time ago and he was stupid. He never meant to hurt anyone. When I asked why he didn’t tell me before, he said at first he didn’t know how and was afraid I would leave him. Over time, he just forgot about it. I told him I needed time and stayed the night at my best friend's house. She told me to take my time and not judge based on my past relationship (I was in an abusive relationship, my ex cheated on me twice).

When I thought about it, our relationship seemed almost perfect, he is the best person I know just with some weird hobbies. The next day, he told me he would do anything to regain my trust, including going to therapy and starting his meds for ADHD and OCD, which he usually avoids because he says they make it hard for him to think straight.

So, this is the update. I would have posted sooner but got caught up in work and forgot. Over the past weeks, he showed me how he got my info and to my surprise four of my accounts were leaked, it made me realize that anyone who knows very little about me can see it.

Relevant Comments

OOP responds on if she believes her boyfriend is manipulating from the beginning

OOP: I mean, he could have lied from the first day, right? Now he knows my email and phone number, but he told me the truth that he got them before. I think that is a good sign.

He is far from abusive, and I don't think he is a stalker either. I have known him for two years, and I have seen how he sometimes concentrates on random stuff and later just forgets about it. This was just too different from other hobbies. I think we have a good relationship. For example, with this topic, I couldn't bring it up to talk to him. He noticed I was acting differently and brought it up himself.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

Thanks to for finding this BORU

2 updates - Long

- 5th March 2024

- 12th March 2024

- 1st June 2024

Now I have won my husband back, I am leaving him.

I have secured an apartment for my baby and me and I have put everything in order and prepared for custody. Shared or otherwise. I have divided the money and transferred my share to a third account and it will stay there until the divorce proceedings and the dividing of the assets.

I found out that my husband was having an affair while I was postpartum. I thought that I would die because I love him and it felt like my heart was broken into million pieces. I knew that it was over but my curiosity got the best of me. I wanted to know why. What was it she had that I didn’t. Did he love her. I started reading his texts and everything was there. He felt like he was alive again. He was happy and excited. She’s single and childless so she had all the time in the world to make him her priority. He felt seen and desired by her. I was confused because even with life coming between us he was always my love and I made sure he knew that every day. Still it wasn’t enough.

I read thousands upon thousands of messages between them and I started being everything he fantasized about. In the beginning, it felt weird and he was confused but I just went on. Every time he made plans with her I found a way to make him stay or I made sure that I sent him exhausted to her. The messages became less and less frequent and the passion and excitement subsided. Soon answering her became more of a chore. The complaining started and him pulling away. He was happier at home and he couldn’t wait to come home. He started texting me again during the day. The sweetest texts of how he missed me. He was his old self back.

One day what I hoped and waited patiently for happened. He ended things with her. He told her that he loved me and that now everything was great again. Her services weren’t needed in other words. I felt relief and finally I could move on.

Now I am preparing for my divorce. He will get the papers the day I leave for my new life in my new apartment. I know I will get a lot of hate for this because I have neglected my husband and pushed him to seek solace in another woman’s arms when I apparently could given him what he sought all along and believe me I will bear the guilt for the rest of my life. In my defense, I didn’t do it intentionally. Our lives had just been altered drastically and I was trying to navigate this new and exciting existence. I was immersed in this new kind of happiness that I thought I was sharing with him. And I was trying to get to know my new body, that I couldn’t recognize anymore. A real scary feeling. But he could have come to me with his hurt. He could have talked to me about his suffering. He could have tried to make me understand but he chose not to. He decided to deceive me. Deceive us. He ruined our love our future and even our history. Nothing was is or will be the same again.

Comments

Scribb74

I just hope you took tonnes of screenshots of those texts. This isn't petty revenge but nuclear revenge, and I for one ain't mad at you. Revenge is best served cold, and this is ice cold. All the best to you and your little one in your new life. Looking forward to the update.

RabbitFromBrazil

Cheating on your postpartum wife is so dirty that I can't even describe it. It's rubbish, someone despicable, and capable of much worse things than cheating.

Significant_Cat_3

I’m commenting kind of early on, but I love how people so far are basically like “ngl I love this for you,” which same here lol.

In all seriousness it’s hard to leave a partner with a new baby, and I know that prepping for and starting a divorce isn’t exactly easy and I’m glad you used that time wisely.

He had no problem pretending everything was all good when he was cheating, why should you not return the favor? He set the standard here.

Moving out April 1st. Probably the cruelest April fool I could play on my dear husband - 7 days later

He always loved April Fool. I feel a lot of guilt and guilt related pain. I know what I am doing is so cruel but I guess I will just keep going with my plans. There’s no turning back now. Whenever I feel shit like I am the bad guy I just remember their conversations. No I am not the villain here!

I will end the marriage and I will tell him that it is because we aren’t compatible anymore. Let him think whatever. I have decided maybe I shouldn’t tell him that I know about her. Let him run back to her once he realizes that I am really gone.

When my baby is older, we could tell him that we got an amicable divorce. No hurt or hard feelings. Two people who fell out of love. My boy doesn’t need to know his daddy broke up the family.

It is ok you can hate me.

Comments

patdashuri

“The joke is our marriage, this is just the punchline.”

That’s a free one. You can have it.

An_Old_IT_Guy

Why are you feeling guilty? He's the one who cheated and is reaping what he sowed.

OOP: Because I am bitterly plotting behind the scenes and won’t give him a chance to apologize or explain

BawseGal23

He didn't give you a heads up on his cheating did he ?

OOP: No he didn’t

I have left my husband and filed for divorce. I am starting to think that it’s not so bad and that I will be alright - 2 months later

Well hello and sorry for being so absent. I know that I promised an update once I got out but I have been so busy adjusting to my new life. I have received hundreds of have you moved out?? and *is there an update??*dms and comments. I hope everyone who asked sees this because I have no possibility to answer each and every one. Also I don’t know how many times I am allowed to update here, hopefully this is ok.

I did exactly as I planned. I moved out after I left my husband divorce papers. I told him that I wasn’t in love with him anymore and that I think we are better off as co parents than as a couple. That I have found a new place and he could buy me out of our current home or sell the property once the divorce is finalized. He was in a total shock but probably not the same shock I was in when I found out that he was cheating on me.

He literally asked if I hit my head and even was telling people that he was worried that I had brain tumor. He was very angry in the beginning and wanted answers. No answer was good enough Is there someone else? No, dear husband! There isn’t someone else, but there isn’t you either. The audacity of that man! I reminded him that we still had our son and to think about him before acting vindictive. Sure enough he kept it civil around our son. One thing he kept asking is why and how long ago I have stopped loving him. He didn’t get any answers from me.

Other than that, everything has been fine with me. I am adjusting well. I still miss him but at the same time I feel like I could finally breathe. I feel like I have been living on shallow breathing for the past months and now I could take full breaths. Our families are very sad and mostly shocked but honestly they have been very understanding. There’s no bad reason for divorce. Wanting divorce is a good enough reason for them. To want to separate, to not want to be with your partner.

My ex in laws are still very active in my son’s life and they have been very cordial if yet a bit cold towards me. That represented itself when about 2 weeks ago, my mother in law in a bit passive aggressive tone told me that my husband has started seeing someone. She apologized immediately and said that she just wanted me to know and be prepared that he had someone new and yet I couldn’t help but hear some vindication in her voice. I just answered oh! Do you mean Karen?(I gave the mistress this name for obvious reasons). She looked shocked and asked me did you know? Did he talk to you about it? I said oh no but she isn’t new I told her that he has been sleeping with her since I just had given birth, maybe even before that.

I kept my voice very quiet and monotone like we were discussing the weather. I was already regretting my slip but the news that he started seeing Karen again, while very much anticipated, still made my heart hurt. My mother and father in law just looked at each other. I don’t know if they believed me but then how would I have known about Karen when I have refused to see him in person since our break up?

So now everyone knows anyway and I have learned that you can’t keep these things to yourself indefinitely. Since he found out he has been called and apologizing every day. Why didn’t you tell me?, how much did I hurt you? He said that he loved me and never stopped loving me. That he was so sorry for everything and that he would do anything to have me back as his wife. My mother in law apologized too even though she had no control over what her grown up son did or does. It’s not her fault. He writes that he loves me every night before bed. I hope this doesn’t mean that he would make the divorce drag out because then I have failed my plan but he seems to be less forgiving of the divorce when he knew that he was the reason for it than when he thought it was mine. Weird.

The divorce is still processing and if anything major happens I will be here again if I haven’t outstayed my welcome already.

Ciao

Comments

GnomesinBlankets

I don’t even think you should regret the slip. It’s good that everyone knows what really happened, it’s good he can’t twist the story, and it’s awesome that everyone now knows his new gf is actually the woman who helped him ruin his marriage. He loves you so much but didn’t even grieve the marriage before dating her? Yea no. And you’re way too nice on your ex MIL, she purposely tried to hurt you by even mentioning it. She can eat shit too

UnquantifiableLife

I am not a mother. But I feel like there is a special pain in your former daughter in law telling you the boy you raised is a cheater and ran to his mistress to "legally" get with her the second he could. He's not coming back from that anytime soon.

It may have been said in error, but I think the outcome is perfect.

OOP: Yeah she was devastated but nothing compared to his father. They are not on speaking terms still

lowkeyhobi

I would send these love messages to Karen

OOP: I think being her is the worst punishment there is

lowkeyhobi

Truly. Now that he knows you knew about her he will always resent her in the back of his mind and you will always be that one that got away. Wishing you a smooth divorce and all the best

OOP: They are not together anymore. It ended a couple of days after he got busted.

Hopefully he is single fr a while or at least ha the sense of not introducing a new partner until he is serious in the relationship

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/

Originally posted to r/

AITA for threatening to kick out my niece after she hacked my daughter’s Roblox account?

: May 18, 2024

My (38F) daughter (13F) has been playing this game called Roblox since lockdown first started as a way of playing with her friends virtually as well as curing her boredom. She was obsessed with this Roblox game that’s set in a school because she missed her friends so much and it allowed her to stay connected with them. Her interest in video games has developed into an interest into technology - she’s by far at the top of her IT class and has even started learning how to code in order to make her own game.

My sister (34F) and niece (10F) have recently had to move in with us after my sister discovered that her husband was having an affair. They’re staying at my house for the time being while she saves up money for a place of their own.

My niece and daughter usually get along, and they both bond over their interest in Roblox. Last week, my daughter was completely distraught and crying nonstop. She said that she saw her cousin playing on a Roblox game and realised her cousin’s avatar had a lot more items than usual. She decided to join her, only to realise that her account had been hacked and she’d lost nearly every item she had on her favourite Roblox game. She’d lost 800K of the in-game currency and nearly her entire inventory, which she claimed was worth over 5 million of the in-game currency. She had spent the last four years saving up for those items and everything was gone just like that.

My daughter began accusing my niece of hacking her account. My niece denied it at first, but quickly broke under pressure and admitted everything. The previous day, they had been playing the game together when I called them down to dinner. My niece has only been playing for a few months and I suppose she would be considered a ‘noob’. She begged my daughter to give her some of her items, and my daughter refused, saying that she should earn the items by herself. When my daughter came down, my niece decided to stay behind for a minute to transfer all of my daughter’s items into her account.

I tried to mediate the situation, but my sister is refusing to co-operate. She told me that it’s only a game, it’s not like my daughter spent real money on it. I attempted to explain just how much this game means to my daughter, to which my sister said that my daughter should count herself lucky that her biggest problem is a bunch of pixels on a screen. She said my daughter was a teenager now and was too old to be acting this immature over a game. My niece refuses to give my niece her stuff back and says it’s unfair that my daughter gets to have everything she wants both in real life and online. I told my sister and niece that both of them were acting like ungrateful brats considering how I was letting them stay in my home rent free.

Today, I gave her an ultimatum: if my niece doesn’t return everything she hacked from my daughter, they would both have one week to leave. I told her that I refuse to let anyone disrespect my daughter under my roof. AITA?

VERDICT: NTA

: May 30, 2024

Original post: 

Thank you all for your advice! My sister and niece moved out last week, she’s in the process of getting an apartment and they’re temporarily staying with a friend of my sister’s for the time being. I warned her that if I contacted the developers, they would get her daughter banned, so either way my niece wasn’t keeping the stuff she stole, so she should try minimise her losses. She claimed I had no proof her daughter hacked the account and refused to compromise. She said I was petty and childish for making them “homeless” over a kid’s video game. And don’t get me wrong, I feel bad, I really do. My sister and I never really got along as kids so I was hoping at least our kids could have a good relationship with each other. But still, they were inevitably going to leave at some point so I suppose I only sped up the process.

Now that my niece is gone, my daughter seems a lot happier now. She told me she was perfectly fine, but I knew her well enough to know that she wasn’t. Some very kind and generous people here have offered to gift her some of their items to rebuild her account, to which I am extremely grateful, but my daughter said she felt bad about taking stuff from other people. I’d already reported my niece’s account, which seemed to have no effect. I’m not very tech savvy, but I considered contacting the Roblox developers to see if they could reverse the transaction. However, my daughter informed that doing so would only ban the account, losing all of my daughter’s items in the process.

I would like to extend all my thanks to the commenter that suggested I try and log in to my niece’s account. Believe it or not, it only took 5 attempts. Turns out that 10 year olds don’t have the best comprehension of Internet security. Surprisingly, getting into the account was the easy part. I spent an embarrassingly long amount of time looking up how to trade everything back - I swear I’m getting old. I couldn’t tell which items were my daughter’s and which were actually my niece’s, so I simply transferred everything my niece had just to be safe.

When she came home from school today, I told my daughter I had a fun surprise for her waiting on Roblox. Words can’t describe how proud of myself I felt when I saw the joy rush back into her face. The ironic part is that my niece had previously won this very rare halo item from this sort of lottery system, which my daughter claims is one of the most expensive items in that game. Now it was transferred to my daughter’s account, meaning that my daughter walked out of this situation richer than she was to start with. My sister just messaged me in all caps yelling at me that my niece has been through so much and I was just kicking her when she was down. She accused me of stealing from a little girl. I simply told her that, in her own words, it’s just a bunch of pixels on a screen.

Thank you to everyone for your support.

REMINDER: I am not the original poster. Please do not comment on linked posts.

I am not OOP. OOP is . They posted on

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old.

Trigger Warning: Suspected (but false accusation of) domestic violence, mention of BDSM

May 21, 2024

I(43M) have been married to my wife (45F) for 15 years now. We have 3 kids (9F, 6F and 2M).

My wife and I are kinky, we are mainly into bondage and some mild impact play (relevant).

Since we had kids, we had to cut back on our “play time”. Maintaining a vanilla sex life is already challenging with 3 kids, let alone carving the kid of alone time needed to safely engage in BDSM.

About a month ago, we asked my sister (48F) to take the kids for a weekend so we can have some alone time. She agreed to take pick them up from our house Friday evening, and drop them off Sunday night.

Saturday evening, while we were engaging in some bondage and impact play, my sister starts blowing my phone. By the time I was able to answer (I had to take care of my wife’s safety first), my sister is knocking our door down.

We were frantic, and didn’t do a good enough job at hiding the rope marks on my wife’s wrists. My sister says that her daughter is in the hospital (just a simple sprain while playing soccer) and she needs to go. And, we didn’t notice, but she clocked my wife’s “bruises”.

The next day, she arranges some alone time with my wife, and tells her if I’m abusing her, then she will support her to report me and leave me. My wife was embarrassed, but she explained the whole thing to my sister. Then she told me what happened.

I talked with my sister, and also explained the situation, even if it was very mortifying. She seemed to accept our explanation.

Fast forward two weeks, and we get the cops and a CPS agent at our front door. Apparently there was an anonymous complaint that I was physically abusing my wife and kids.

I was treated like a criminal, the kids were questioned separately, as was my wife. I didn’t even think about my sister, but my wife did. She took everyone to our bedroom, showed them our toys, and even offered to show them some homemade movies if it was going to convince them. Thankfully they believed her and then left.

My wife again called my sister, who admitted to calling the cops multiple times, but when they did nothing, she called CPS and hoped that they will investigate.

My wife again showed her our toys, went into explicit details I never wanted anyone to know about our intimate life, and finally my sister was convinced. She said that she was sorry, but she was only doing what she thought what was right.

But I was deeply hurt that she thought that I was capable of doing what she accused me of, that she could have cost me my kids, my freedom and my job. So I told her that I am not ready to forgive her.

She says that I am the AH, that it was a logical conclusion, and that I should be happy that she is willing to go this far to protect my wife and kids. So AITA?

AITAH does not have a consensus bot, but the vast majority of comments were NTA

Commenter:

It was the logical conclusion before you let her know what was going on. It was not the logical conclusion after that. Especially as there was no evidence anything was being done to the children. That part especially is fabricated.

NTA

Commenter:

That's your sister? Man....that's tough. I wouldn't forgive her either. This could have been much much worse for you. Guaranteed she doesn't realize that at all.

Commenter:

NTA, tell her so are you by limiting contact with a danger aka her to your family because that is what she is. You explained everything and yet she didn't believe you. What will happen next time she doesn't believe you or your wife and think she knows best?

She admitted to calling multiple times and when that didn't work, she called cps meaning she has no problem escalating things on nothing but a hunch of what she thinks happens even when you and your wife told her she was wrong.

Yes, you should be so thankful your sister doesn't listen to your explanation and is ready to ruin your life all on what she thinks happened. /s (if it wasn't obvious)

Edit: Forgot to put the sarcasm symbol

Commenter:

NTA

Anyone who thinks I'm a dangerous criminal is no longer welcome in my life. Anyone who calls CPS to have my kids removed from my home is no longer welcome in my life. Frankly, I would feel unsafe with my kids around someone who so easily believes I could be abusive. Who knows what else they'll talk themselves into?

Your sister sat your wife down, talked to her, and still called CPS. She's not someone I'd ever trust around your kids ever again. She's going to keep going until she's "proven right."

Another Commenter replies:

I’m wondering if the calls was more about the sister not liking their alternative lifestyle and not at all about the families safety.

But sister had crossed a line and would never enter my home again and would be banished from my life as well.

A Third Commenter chimes in:

It’s not uncommon for people to conflate the two. “If you enjoy giving pain to your spouse, then you must enjoy giving it to your kids” or “if you like to role play that, then that must mean you actually want that” which in both cases is just so far off base it can make me nauseous.

May 29, 2024

So, I read almost all of the comments, but I was too emotionally exhausted to answer. Sorry about that.

Some things happened since then:

First of all, I took your advice, and went NC with my sister and her family. I tried to go NC just with her, but she would use her husband and kids to try and get in contact with me and my wife. We also had her name taken off the school/daycare pickup list, in case she tries anything there.

Second of all, I also took your advice, consulted with a lawyer that I ended up hiring. His advice to me was to document everything. He requested a copy of both the police and CPS reports, as well as all the texts she sent me and my wife.

And lastly, he filed for an order of protection, he said that there is a small chance that it will be granted, because while she is harassing us, she is not threatening or anything. But it will be good to have it on record, in the case of any future altercations.

We are also installing security cameras outside and inside the house, as just an in case measure.

Thankfully the kids did not understand exactly what happened, my eldest even thinks that it’s cool that she met a “pretty policewoman”, so at least no therapy for the kids.

Thank you everyone, for all your advice.

Commenter:

She attempted to nuke your life. And put your kids in the system.

A good 10 year timeout is in order.

Commenter:

Regarding the school/daycare pickup lists, I recommend that you emphasize IN PERSON to the admins and teachers that your sister is no longer permitted near your children and may not pick them up under any circumstances. There’s always that one teacher that doesn’t get the message and just goes along.

Commenter:

It's always unfortunate when people can't just mind their own business, when I was in high school some dumb girl started telling everyone I beat my girlfriend because she had a black eye.

That she got in her shotokan karate class she had been in since middle school. That she had been very proud and upfront of having a blue belt in. Although skill wise she was probably more closer to purple/brown she was just anxious about testing.

Neither of us even knew this girl, she just outright started spouting off bullshit. I never even did shake it, that kind of shit can follow somebody around for years. I'm glad I moved out of that state and don't have to deal with any of those people.

Commenter:

I would definitely look into pursuing any legal complaints you can make against her. She basically admitted because the cops wouldn't do anything she lied to CPS about you beating the kids so that someone would investigate. Even if you want to say that she didn't do anything legally wrong for reporting the bruises to the cops to investigate there was no mention of bruises on the kids or of the kids mention anything about getting hit so it's crazy of her to make up stuff and still think she's in the right.

Commenter:

And lastly, he filed for an order of protection, he said that there is a small chance that it will be granted, because while she is harassing us, she is not threatening or anything. But it will be good to have it on record, in the case of any future altercations.

This is how I know this is a real post. They don't give those out unless there is a threat of violence. It is a really high bar. I would be shocked if you got it.

Editor's Note: I'm marking this as concluded. While I wouldn't be shocked if OOP's sister didn't try to escalate things, the initial cause for the post is pretty much resolved.

Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See rule 7.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

- 16th May 2024

- 17th May 2024

1 New Update

- 1st June 2024

AITAH for leaving my fiancée after I learned there were strippers at her bachelorette party?

What the title reads basically. I(29M) and my ex-fiancée(29F) were together for 5 years. We should have been married now in the normal conditions but I broke up with her and cancelled the wedding 2 days before it because they invited male strippers to bachelorette party. I am personally not a fan of these parties but reluctantly agreed after both groom & bride side confirmed we would keep it simple. I told my ex-fiancée I am not comfortable with strippers or other kind of crazy things. She agreed. I also told my friends if they were to do a stupid thing without me knowing, we would have problems.

We stayed at my friends' summer house and chilled there by the pool, did some wow raids and played board games. My ex-fiancée and her friends went to a restaurant then rented an airbnb. There was no problem during the night and next day I asked how things went. She and her close friends said it was really chill and good. We returned to the city centre after that.

I encountered another bridesmaid that day when I was shopping for a bracelet for my ex-fiancée for her upcoming birthday. I asked that girl how's everything as we were in the same department at the college but rarely talk now. She is closer with my fiancée than me. She said it's going good and last night was crazy with all the strippers. After saying that she looked uncomfortable. I asked her about the details but she was not willing to tell much. I think she realized she should not have talked about it. I laughed, said goodbye and left.

I confronted my fiancée and she seemed surprised about it. She was denying it first, then told me nothing crazy happened and one of the bridesmaids invited strippers. I reminded her that it was a strict boundary for me. I asked about the details but she said there was nothing much with strippers just solo dances and that's it. I told her I need some time to think.

Almost all of the bridesmaids messaged me ensuring nothing happened when I was on my way back home(definitely not coordinated). Things happened after that but in the end I decided to break up and cancel the wedding. I lost some money since it was only 2 days before the wedding. Things are not cool right now. My head is messed up, I get criticism from everyone and no idea about what to do. My sister told me to see a therapist to process my thoughts and feelings. That is what I'll do next. Some mutuals suggested me that I should reconsider things and stop being so whiny about such a small thing. I do not think it's such a small thing especially when they all tried to hide it from me.

AITAH here?

Comments

tasty-horse-paste

This is strangely similar to something that happened recently on 90 day fiancé.

Edit: A lot of people saying disagreements about strippers etc. is common, which sure, but it was the detail about playing MMO games by the pool at the bachelor party that got my attention. But I'm not saying OP's story is fake; it just reminded me of the 90 day thing.

former_farmer

Because this happens a lot. Some people think that cheating in the bachelorette party is correct. It's so dumb.

boredathome1962

NTA. "It was crazy with all the strippers" is hugely different from "it was really chill and good". This isn't just lying, this is a total reversal of the truth. Even her "it was just solo dances" is not the same as "crazy". So they are lying, all of them, except the first one.

OOP: Everyone is telling different things. One person says it was crazy, my ex says it was just solo dance, another person says it was different. I do not know whom to believe to be honest and that's one of the reasons I lost trust here. Apparently, the stripper was naked and that even alone is a dealbreaker for me. There is no way for me to know what happened that night and why she did not even bother with calling me or telling me about it.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 1 days later

TL;DR: Bitter truth was revealed bit by bit. Ex-fiancée had sexual interaction with a stripper. It's therapy time.

I read most of the comments in the original post and thank you for the advice. My problem was that not her being blindsided by her friends but lying. Every bridesmaid told different things and none of them gave details about what happened. I believe you can understand it just shatters the trust and makes you think there is something going on.

I thought there was something wrong with me after reading the comments. There were a lot of YTAs and I thought I should apologize. One of the bridesmaid reached out to me last evening. I suspect she saw the post somewhere and recognized it. I knew my fiancée was having problems with her friends since last week but I did not know the extent.

Apparently, my ex-fiancée and her close friends blamed the girl that I encountered at mall about everything. This divided the group and led into a verbal fight. I will skip the personal details here but in the end she told me my ex-fiancée and other bridesmaids got sexual with the strippers. My fiancée was the only one who had boyfriend/fiancée/spouse(at least monogamously) there to my knowledge. Also, I was told by her that my ex-fiancée was not blindsided with stripper invites. She was happy to see the strippers and was relieved she had an excuse. I do not have proof for all of these but I got a short video of girls making out with strippers. One of the girls is my ex-fiancée and that's enough.

She has been trying to reach out to me since we broke up. I confronted her again. At first, she denied it again then it became we just touched, then okay we kissed too, okay I gave him a handjob, finally I was coerced into doing these by others as I pressed on. I just blocked her after the last part. I did not see any need to learn further. I was hurt already but learning that I got cheated on hurt more. I am not sure if it's the full truth even now. I will never know but all I can say is it hurts. I will go to a therapist to not carry my luggage to my next relationship. I lost 15K from the wedding related things and need to focus on filling the hole for a while.

Some misogynists made weird comments about women and I'll just ignore them. Some of the people told me I am an insecure, unfunny nerd for playing WoW on my bachelor party. Isn't the whole point of bachelor parties having "one last fun". It was raiding non-stop with the boys for me, not having one last sexual interaction with a stranger or having a stranger's butt on my face or penis. I will not miss on out these during marriage anyways(omitting the stranger part).

That's it. It's therapy time tomorrow and thank you for the help.

Comments

scotswaehey

I will never understand why people like your Ex Fiancée throw it all away for one night

BigBlackBlasphemer

Not just that, the whole group had banded together in solidarity to lie.

If it wasn't for one person, they would've gotten away with it, while gaslighting OP the whole time

I hope all those votes calling OP, an AH rightly feel like DA's.

15k and a cancelled wedding is still LOADS better than divorce after the fact. You're doing the absolute right thing.

Also, I AM petty enough to blast her publicly with receipts if she wants to play the victim and make me look like the bad guy.

And the first person I'll send the video of her cheating to is her Dad. See how she likes those apples

PSA: Don't be the simp guy who didn't want to send his "wife" to jail after everyone caught her trying to poison him with bleach in the coffee machine.

SuccessfulSeaweed385

I had a lan party at my bachelor party and it was awesome. Fuck the haters and screw your ex. NTA.

FarquaadStoleMyWig

My brothers bachelor party was pizza, flip cup, and halo reach on system linked Xbox’s. Fucken best night ever

**New Update**

Final Update - 2 weeks later

A quick update with good news. I sorted out most of the mess regarding the wedding ceremony. Ex-FIL and Ex-MIL came to learn about the details and covered 10K of the wedding cost. I also got the ring back. They are amazing people and I wish them nothing but best. They apologized for what happened even though it has nothing to do with them. My ex is blocked everywhere and stopped reaching out to me. I assume her parent had a good talk with her.

I have people supporting me during this tough time around me thankfully. Especially my friends. We keep playing Season of Discovery with the boys because Cata Classic sucks.

Comments

Cybermagetx

Updated with no drama and boring are the best. Especially for one like this. Glad it wasn't a total lost and you got to ring back.

For others who broke up before getting married, in most states and a few countries the ring is not a gift but a conditional gift.. And if no marriage happens it legally belongs to the giver.

RadiantLady45

great to hear your ex-in-laws are supportive and helped with the wedding costs. having them on your side must be a relief

CulturedGentleman921

You gave her a hard boundary.

She enthusiastically crossed that boundary.

You are 100% justified in ending it.

Period.

You dodged a bullet, my friend.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by in

trigger warnings: masturbation

mood spoilers: funny?

---

 

- Wed May 1 2024

Hello, sorry for the new account, I don't want this associate with my other account.

Okay, so, my MIL! Or actually I will start with my wife "Tara". Tara is lovely and wonderful. Tara also escaped from her little midwestern hometown and ran to the coast the absolute moment that she could, and I am pretty sure her mom took that personally. (her mom was born and raised in and around that small town)

So my MIL. She is emotionally immature. Tara read that one book about immature adult parents and she finally understood her family dynamic in a way she never did before. MIL is not a bad or evil person, she usually means very well, but she's kind of, I don't know how to put it, self-centered? Like her first thought process is always "how do I feel about this new information".

Tara and I bought a little starter home last year (fuck interest rates but we're hoping they come down and we can refinance, the place was too good to pass up) and her MIL invited herself over last week. This is something that is extremely on brand for her, and we like to pick our battles in this family, so we just let her.

Her mom (who again is not terrible, just has bad emotional regulation and boundaries) shows up and drops her stuff in the spare room and just immediately starts giving herself the tour. Again, whatever, we actually hired a cleaner before she arrived so we wouldn't worry, annoying but that's life.

So she's wandering around and comes to our bedroom. I have a jumbo sized tub of generic vaseline next to my bed because I use a nose CPAP and my lips get chapped so she picks it up and makes this really weird face and says, almost direct quote, "well I know what THIS is for!" And I respond, "oh that's for chapped lips, I don't jerk off with vaseline."

Apparently my timing was good because my wife laughed but my MIL did not laugh at all. Then for the next three days she kept asking me ARE YOU GONNA BE GROSS AGAIN when I tried to make normal conversation. I said over and over that she was the one who made the joke and her response was always "yeah but that was a JOKE!" like what I said was totally serious? And I guess it was, I mean, I was telling the truth, but I was only bantering because she started it. I didn't even invite her into our bedroom.

Anyways she brought it up over text to Tara and there is subtle pressure from her to just apologize, but I don't think I did anything wrong. AITA?

Comments:

robospammm

NTA. She was the one who first insinuated it was for sex. You just said it out loud.

She's got the dirty mind....

OOP

so her argument is that it was innuendo and mine was just stating words out loud. I think this might be a cultural thing too maybe idk, I have gotten in the doghouse in this family before for being too direct?

&&&&

slackerchic

NTA, she tried to make you blush but then gets mad because you made her blush is what this basically boils down to. The next time she says something about it I would just be like "omg how much do you think about this ONE comment??? The fact that it seems to be at the absolute forefront of your mind is making me almost as uncomfortable as the original "joke". Can we just bury this entire incident?"

OOP

yeah I think I might have been more direct than she's used to.

I am mostly worried about my wife, who gets to be the middleperson here. She finds it harder to set boundaries with her mother, I would gladly tell my MIL to just stop and go away if she wants to talk about it.

thank you for context

&&&&

mamblepamble

NTA. I read that book. My mom does this. She wants you uncomfortable so she has the upper hand to step on your boundaries and make you feel dirty. She was going to weaponize your reaction that entire trip if you had one and bring up the tub of Vaseline to get a reaction at every chance she got. You took that power away, turned the tables and didn’t give her the reaction she wanted (embarrassment) and now she’s pissy because you embarrassed her, she can’t take it, and she has no emotional power over the situation.

Let her be pissy. Fuck around and find out.

OOP

I mean, context, she does this with Tara a lot, which is why Tara upped sticks at the first opportunity.

when you put it that way... it seems really bad though...

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

---

- Wed May 22 2024

Amitheasshole wasn't interested, probably because it is boring:

I took the advice of a couple people in the original thread and I talked to my wife about (1) what happened while her mom was there and (2) how we would manage similar situations going forward. I think the commenters were mostly right, and that my MIL was using what i said as a cudgel to get "the upper hand" (I don't know how else to put that) in conversations.

We talked it out and agreed that we would let it go, but if she brought it up again, or if she tried something similar again, we would present a united front and we would refuse to engage with her, I guess, "attention-seeking" behavior? Again I find this all weird and don't know how to really talk about it or phrase it.

Well, you can probably guess what happened.

She was on the phone with her mom just catching up and her mom brought up me being "gross" again. I wasn't on the call or anything but I could hear her in the other room. For context, Tara finds it very hard to set boundaries with her mom because her mom will just not let some stuff go. She will just keep bringing it up and talking about how bad she felt, or WHY would she do X or Y, etc etc.

Honestly I am so proud of her for what she did: she hung the fuck up! She said "mom we're not gonna talk about that anymore" and then "mom, we're moving on" and then I just hear her phone get set down on the bedside table. I walked in to check and she had this great little "defiant" face on, like she was proud of herself too.

I hope that the little rush she got from saying no to her mom is encouraging to her going forward! Thanks to the commenters and thanks to the person who DMed me the TikTok about my post lol

 

I am NOT OOP. OOP is

Originally posted to + +

I just found out that my husband of 10 years has never loved me

Previous posted by + posted by

Trigger Warnings: possible financial abuse, property damage, abuse, emotional abuse, hostile workplace, exploitation, physical violence, major medical issues

---

: May 3, 2022

My whole world is crashing right now. I never thought that this could happen to me. I am deeply in love with my husband and I thought he loved me too.

My husband Sam and I met after college at a book club. We fell in love and married a year later right out of college. I honestly though that my life was a dream come true. He was kind and silly and he made me feel loved.

I found out last week that my husband never loved me. I overheard Sam talking to his friend on FT when he thought I couldn't hear. His friend was congratulating Sam on bagging me, because "I'm loaded". That's not true. Though I make a decent living and my parents recently had some success in their business abroad, I don't make nearly enough to be considered wealthy, perhaps upper middle class at best. It's not like I can quit my job tomorrow and be set for life. I'm a financial analyst and make $300K working 70 hours a week. Sam is a customer service advisor for a bank and makes $50K working 35 hours a week.

Edit: Yes, I was in investment banking out of college. Sam has had this job for 4 months. He has a spotty work history due to not getting along with his bosses.

Sam then said that all his planning paid off and he'd live the easy life. His friend added that he couldn't imagine being married to me, waking up to my face. I've never been very attractive, I'm very skinny and have a thin face and a wide nose, but Sam made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Sam just laughed and said "it's easy when you have the mindset." I pretended I didn't hear and went back upstairs and just lied in bed.

I've been sleeping on the couch with the excuse of working late and not disturbing him. Every time, I've woken up in our bed with him cuddling me. I don't feel loved. I feel used. I don't know what to do.

Comments

OOP on if she had a prenup with her husband

We don't have a prenup. I regret it.

OOP on why their earnings are not enough to live comfortable in their area

I know it's far more than most Americans, but it's not enough for someone to lie for 10 years about. He could have found anyone else.

It's definitely not enough to be truly wealthy, just comfortable. If he wanted to bag someone could he have not found someone else? He didn't have to lie to me and say he loved me . It is comfortable. Just not wealthy. When I think of wealthy, I think of people who don't have to work for a living.

I have serious medical conditions that cost a lot of money, partially exacerbated by my work life. I used to work 80-100 hour weeks. Plus, I had been paying off my husband's student loans of $80,000 as well as our mortgage. I do not have student loans because I (thankfully) earned a scholarship.

I grew up in poverty on food stamps and I'm terrified of going back to that life.

Edit: and his credit card debt

OOP responded to multiple redditors telling her to divorce her husband as he was using her

I have honestly resigned myself to a life alone if I do divorce my husband. No one has expressed any interest in me. The only time I was asked out was as a joke.

I had a friend in college who shared my interests and my hobbies and was fun. I was in love with him. I was short and very skinny and he was my height and quite chunky and we had a in group nickname based on that. When our friends would say we looked like a couple he would make gagging noises and say it's disgusting but in a joking way. when I got the courage to ask him out, he laughed himself sick.

Edit: I am unattractive and have serious health conditions. I am statistically unlikely to find another husband. It's alright. I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't love me.

OOP on how she got a job at 19 and earning so much

I graduated at 19 and had a very well paying job. To the tune of 6 figures. I grew up in poverty on food stamps so this was a dream for me. My parents only very recently had success with their business back in their home country. We are immigrants.

Sam was kind of broke because of bad financial habits. he had been financially cut off from his parents who were middle class. He had $80000 of student loans (I've paid off over half) and $20,000 of credit card debt (which I've also paid off)

OOP on an example when she overheard her husband’s conversation with his friend

Sam and his friend were talking about an upcoming trip to Prague we were going to book. I was paying for it. That was what sparked the whole conversation on "bagging a free ride"

He laughed when his friend said those hurtful, but accurate things about my appearance. His friend made more comments on how Sam could stand to wake up to me.

I was also hurt because his friend had always been very nice to me before.

It would have been nice if Sam said he stayed with me for something other than my salary. For him, I'm apparently an easy grift. . You're probably right. My husband insists that the conversation never happened, he never said anything, and that I was hallucinating due to stress.

I felt hurt because I thought the friend was a nice person. He had been quite kind and welcoming before. Though I am not attractive, there was no need to insult me like that if I heard correctly.

They were talking about our upcoming trip to Czechia in 2023 which I am paying for. That was how the conversation started.

 

: May 6, 2022

Last night I came home late and my husband was waiting for me. He had been blowing up my phone for the entire day, spamming me with accusing, but not untrue messages. The conversation did not go well...He accused me of avoiding him, which was true. I just couldn't look at him. I used work as an excuse. He said I was withholding affection from him. He also accused me of being unfaithful to him, which was never true. I have a new coworker who just started approximately two weeks ago and Sam was convinced I was having an affair with them. I told him I didn't even know that coworker. How could I have an affair?

I finally told him about what I overheard and how hurt I was. His response was to deny ever having that conversation and deny ever saying anything. He told me I probably misheard something or hallucinated due to stress.

I received several very helpful messages about a post my husband might have made. Though some of the details don't match up, most of it do (our salaries, the time we've been married, the couch thing) and I asked him if he wrote the reddit post. He told me he doesn't do reddit but didn't outright deny making the post and asked me what I was doing on my phone all day for the past few days, which was reading all your messages on this throwaway. I told him that and he looked incredibly upset.

I told him that what he did really hurt me and he still insisted it never happened. I asked him if he ever loved me and he said "Don't be stupid, of course I do. You're the one cheating on me." I told him I never cheated on him. It felt like the conversation was going in circles.

I brought up the possibility of a postnup, and he scoffed and said he didn't want to divorce. If I tried to divorce him, he had a right to a lot of alimony. That part is true. Our state has strong alimony rights for spouses with salary differences. He only had his job for a few months and it's the highest paying one he has had. He said "Who's going to take care of you when you're sick if you try to divorce me?"

I asked him if he ever lied to me or hid things from me and eventually he admitted that the way we met wasn't an accident. He knew who I was and that I would be there and pretended to stumble into me as an excuse to make conversation. I demanded counseling as a first step and to my surprise he agreed.

At that point, I was getting a splitting headache- not a migraine, which I also get often. I went to bed and he gave me a glass of water and medicine and we just didn't bring it up. I took today off work because I feel burnt out. I don't feel like anything is resolved. Now I doubt myself and everything I heard. If I truly didn't hear that, then I blew up my marriage for nothing. If he did say that and he's capable of lying for 10 years, then why would I stay with him? At least we're getting marriage counseling (and therapy for myself).

Excuse me for the numerous typos and grammatical errors. I'm exhausted.

 

: May 27, 2022

Background info: I overheard a conversation in which my husband essentially told his friend the reason he was with me was because I was his piggy bank- I make a lot more than he does and I do most of the chores. Sam also basically admitted he wasn't attracted to me. I tried to talk to him based on the info I had and the suspicion that he had also made a Reddit post though he doesn't use Reddit. Sam shut me down and told me the conversation with his friend never happened.

I've been waffling between writing this post and not, since I think my husband has been reading my posts. I've already deleted it twice. But he thinks Reddit is a waste of time and the outpouring of emotional support I get here outweighs him reading the thread.

We've had a few short, but devastating conversations since then. Based on Reddit advice, I tried to get evidence that he was with me for my money. After my husband reluctantly admitted that we didn't meet on accident, I pushed and found out the reason he pursued me is that I'm "stable" and I would "do everything for him" and "never leave him." His birth mother left when he was young, leaving his family very poor until his grandfather died. I feel sorry for him and understand why he did this, but there's a small, selfish part of me that wonders why he chose me for this life. I thought I recorded him but nothing shows up in my phone. It doesn't matter since we are an all party consent state.

Sometimes I wonder if I was blind. Sam is far more attractive than me (though my own preference tends to lie in the "unconventional"). I should have realized he is not attracted to me and that it was one sided love. I am not beautiful compared to other women and when I try to wear makeup or fashionable clothes, I can tell he is not impressed. I thought it was because he liked me better natural. My mother used to say a pig wearing makeup is uglier than a pig. I understand that now.

That's partially the reason why I could not stand pretending everything was alright. My love language is touch. I constantly liked to hug him or hold his hand or stroke his back or pet his hair. Knowing that he only tolerates my touch horrifies me. I don't want to be the source of someone's discomfort. I am also ashamed of being so vulnerable, knowing that he hates who I am and the way I look, knowing that he has seen me in my most vulnerable moments. I don't want to be a burden. After one night where I locked myself in the bathroom and slept in the bathtub, he hasn't been moving me from the couch. I think the reason he moved me is to pretend our life hadn't changed rather than any real concern for me. That's why he complained about me withholding affection.

I went back to work and continued the routine I had done for a few weeks, working as much as possible until I had to go home. I cried a lot at work.

I passed out at work one day and when I woke up my boss told me to go home. He was angry. I tried to drive home, but I still felt woozy so I parked in a car and fell asleep. I was awoken by a police officer who gave me a warning for sleeping in a car. Apparently, that's a red flag for DUIs. I drove home and Sam was furious. He somehow had known that I was sent home early. He demanded to know who I was with. I told him the truth.

Sam has been sweet to me since. He hasn't taken off work and he only does about an hour of real work a day, which strangely makes me envious of my own husband. Sam has been making sure I rest, making all our meals, and doing the chores. My work has demanded that I take off at least two more weeks of sick leave since my episode at the office. However, they are also simultaneously making me do work, and implied that my performance bonus will be impacted by my "stunt"

If I divorce my husband, the consequences will be beyond me losing the love of my life. My parents will cut me off from our family. They will not let me see my grandparents ever, who are in very delicate health. My grandparents raised me as a child when I was sent back to live with them in our home country. My family would not be surprised if Sam divorces me. My parents even told me at our wedding that he will leave me and that I should have married the man they arranged, who wanted me for my citizenship. I will not have any support.

In a feverish state, I once offered to give him all of my savings and pay alimony for life if he filed for divorce and he told me to shut up and sleep. I don't know what conditions I can set for the divorce. I'm losing my husband, I'm losing my grandparents, maybe even my job. What do I do?

Comments

OOP on her grandparents’ views on divorce

My grandparents were in an arranged marriage. Divorce is stigmatized and they are not very open to the idea at all. They do want what's best for me, but what they think is best is, at best, 30 years behind the times. I am eternally grateful that they took care of me and loved me, and I would be devastated if my parents cut me off from them.

OOP on the possibility of hallucinating her husband’s comments towards her

I did not hallucinate anything or have a psychotic break.

Initially my husband denied everything, included the phone call. The first thing he admitted that we didn't meet on accident. He had known who I was somehow and had pursued me. Then, he admitted that he wasn't attracted to me. He also admitted that the reason he pursued me and the reason he is still married to me is that I'm "stable" and I would "do everything for him" and "never leave him."

 

: May 29, 2022

Before marriage counseling, I found out husband hid that he had Borderline Personality Disorder

My husband Sam and I agreed to marriage counseling to see if we could save our marriage. This is an out of pocket expense. Before we could go to our first session, we had to fill out several forms and questionnaires. One question asked about any diagnoses we had. My husband revealed that he had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder two years ago. I knew he went to a psychiatrist/neuropsychologist but he just said they found nothing and there was nothing wrong with him.

I was shocked because he never told me. When I asked why he would hide this from me, he said that it was his medical history and I couldn’t leave him for something not under his control. Sam is not in therapy. Obviously, I would have supported him and gotten the help he needed.

Ever since this came out, Sam has been saying that if I divorce him, I’m abandoning him and that it would be proof I never loved him or care about him. That’s not true. I do love him. That’s why I’m doing this. If I divorce him and pay alimony, he’ll find someone he’s actually in love with. We’d both be happy.

Sam has not given me a moment of space but to be fair, I had a high fever a few days ago. Sam said he wants life to go back to normal “before all this happened and we were happy” but I don’t understand why he would want to continue to live a lie. I’m offering him a way out and he refuses. Is it because of his diagnoses?

How do we move forward from this? Is marriage counseling even worth it? Am I making a mistake?

Comments

OOP on her husband’s family background, if he came from a poor family

Thank you for your helpful response. Your friends should not have treated you like this. I think I feel hurt because my husband didn’t trust me with this information though we have been married for a decade. I would never have abandoned him and would have encouraged him to get DBT therapy or anything else that would help.

His birth mother left him as a child, leaving his family destitute until an inheritance from his grandfather. I think that is why he married me, because I represented stability-both financially and in our home life. Not love.

I do love him and I do care about him deeply but how can I tell him that I will always be there for him when we are heading for divorce? I would be lying to him. I will not be in his life.

We both deserve to be with someone we love. I’m not going to chain him to marriage because of his fear of financial instability. I’m not my father. I will pay alimony. His life will be the exact same-maybe even more money for a cleaner and meal prep- just with the ability to find someone he loves.

It’s hard to talk about marriage counseling and the possibility of divorce without him breaking down. I can’t bear to see him cry.

 

- June 1, 2022

I bought a glass jar of homemade fruit preserve at a farmer’s market. The seller, Mary (60s F) was a nice older lady that I’ve bought from before. Because we know each other, she gives me a discount if I bring back the empty jar since she saves money. She gave me a fancier glass jar than usual today because she ran out of the regular ones. I can’t return the jar. I found an identical jar at Target and I plan to give her that. The reason I don’t want to tell her is that she’s very kind but inquisitive and she’ll ask why I didn’t bring the original back, and she’ll say that I didn’t have to replace it, etc. I don’t want her to worry.

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Comments

OOP on why she could not return the jar to the seller

It was destroyed. My husband threw it and it shattered. There’s no way to put it back.

He’s a fan of fruit preserves so I got a new flavor I thought he would like to try. He was upset that I got him a gift so he threw it on the ground. He was apologetic but there’s no way to put it back together.

We have been going through a very rough patch. Apparently the gift was a reminder that no one will love him like I do. That was not my intention. I just thought he would like it.

I can’t honestly say it was an accident since my husband threw it on the ground on purpose.

 

: June 7, 2022

I had my first therapy session ever on Saturday (a weekend online therapist who is licensed). When she asked what issues I wanted to resolve, one problem I told her was that I felt like I didn't deserve anything in life. My therapist said that it wasn't an issue, but a blessing since I can practice gratefulness. I am grateful for the smallest things, but intellectually I feel as though I should not be grateful for them. I feel like a doormat in my personal and professional life.

My work demands extremely long work hours. I remember the worst week I ever had in my career was 104 hours of work. I'm exhausted, but my boss relies on me and me only even though there are other members of the team. He says I'm his biggest asset, and I am grateful for being recognized. Yet, others have gotten promotions off the team and into more relaxed roles. I have not. I've worked here for years, and I've only taken 11 days off for vacation the entire time, not because I want to work, but because I'm "needed"

I had invasive wisdom teeth surgery on Thursday, and I got both an infection and dry socket over the weekend. We had a deal going through and and I went to work yesterday in pain with a fever because my boss demanded that I be there. I worked until 12:17am and didn't eat anything since I was in so much pain.

I was supposed to uber back to my hotel (my husband and I are discussing divorce) but I pressed the wrong destination and went back to our house instead. I feel asleep in our front yard, where my husband found me. Luckily nothing happened to me, since I live in a relatively safe area. My husband is thrilled I came home. He pleaded with me to cancel the rest of the hotel stay and I caved in. I feel selfish for divorcing him and I feel selfish for staying. I don't want to be like my father, using money to force someone to stay with them.

I got my dry sockets treated. I need someone to help me irrigate the holes since doing it myself caused the infection but I don't know who to ask. No friends or family live nearby. I just haven't been eating because I don't want to get another infection.

Looking at this post, I feel so much self loathing. It's filled with aggrandizing self pity. The price of my job is the loss of a personal life. Many people would be happy to be in my position, making as much money as I do. Many people would be thrilled to live my life, and have a home to come to and food in their stomachs. There's no reason for me to be unhappy yet I am. And I know I should feel entitled to some things, but if my therapist says not being expectant is a good thing, then what is my problem? What is wrong with me?

Comments

OOP on why she thinks she doesn’t deserve anything

What I told my therapist was: "I struggle to believe that I deserve anything. Though I feel that people in general are entitled to things like love or happiness or rest, I feel like I do not. For some reason, I feel that other people's needs are more important than my own. I'd like to gain these skills." I wrote it out. I later mentioned how I wanted to take a health day, but my coworker wanted to take the day off, so I didn't, because I felt that he deserved the day off. I wished I had the self confidence to still ask for the day, instead of thinking of my team's needs. I'm not sure if it's an issue of gratefulness or deserving or just self esteem.

My therapist said it was good that I feel like I deserve nothing, because I can practice gratefulness and that it was a blessing not to be entitled.

 

: July 17, 2022

My husband Sam and I have access to each others phones, computers, emails, etc. Normally, I don’t read my husband’s things, though I know he sometimes checks my messages and the like.

Today, he left his laptop open to his messages and I saw my name in a message alert from his friend who does not like me. I read more of the chat.

A few days ago Sam was arguing with his father over the phone. He was angrier than usual and gesticulating. I went to get something and when I was behind him, his fist accidentally hit my jaw. He apologized immediately and it was fine. I’ve had a couple of minor surgeries unrelated to this incident, so I don’t look great. I can see why someone would be concerned. My new friends and my therapist were very concerned too when they saw me but when I explained, they understood.

Sam’s friend saw me yesterday for a minute. In the chat, he asked Sam why I had a “messed up face” and Sam said it was fine and not interfere in our marriage. The friend was telling Sam that he should leave me and it was all right if we divorced because there were a lot of women who wanted him. The last message said “u can’t hit ur wife bc she wants a divorce. ust take the check and go.” Throughout the entire conversation Sam never told his friend it was an accident. He just said that I was his wife and it was not his friend’s business.

I feel awful for violating his privacy, and I will tell him, but I’m also confused why he would say this and not clarify the accident.

Additional Information from OOP on why she was not divorced yet

I don’t know. I’m just deeply exhausted by it all. Separating, disentangling finances, surgeries, regressions, breaking from my job, stress. It was all overwhelming. My wonderful therapist has told me to break down my problems into simple steps and if I’m too exhausted to act, to just let it be for now and gather up my strength for the next thing.

I just had an abdominal hysterectomy and right now recovery is my next hurdle. I’m in pain but I’m hopeful.

My husband has been doing everything around the house. I can’t lift most things and it hurts to be too active. He works. He cleans. He has learned to cook some surprisingly complex meals that I like. He irrigates my sockets because they haven’t fully healed and I can’t see properly. That was how I got an infection. He helps me shower.

While he does things like this, it makes me feel guilty for wanting to divorce him. It makes me think he blames himself for accidents like in the post. That he does love me. But then I remember the fact that he doesn’t have any photos of me on his phone and that he admitted he didn’t love me at first and other silly things and I just wonder why we can’t live apart happily.

OOP on Sam’s friend mentioned in the post is the same person who was on FT

Yes, it is the same friend. My husband has a circle of childhood friends. I know a few dislike me. One of them has told me that she wished my husband had married a mutual friend of theirs instead of me. I do feel like an intruder in their friendship circle.

I’m happy to say that, now that I’m on leave from work and unlikely to return, my coworkers have grown into close friends. It makes me kind of sad that I chose to work from home a lot, missing out on the closeness they have demonstrated.

We did start marriage counseling. Our marriage counselor is wonderful, as is my therapist. My husband has started DBT therapy but he hates it. Our counselor says one of our root problems is the way we define ourselves. I see myself for what I can provide people- I am a hard worker, I am efficient, I cook, I clean, I can do this or that- rather than what I am intrinsically. My husband defines himself on what he loves and hates, his interests and disinterests.

 

: August 2, 2022

Last weekend, my (32F) husband Sam (32M) and a few of his friends and spouses arranged to go to an amusement park. I am not a huge fan of loud, hot, crowded places. I find it overwhelming. Moreover, I could not go on the thrill rides as I recently had surgery and have very high blood pressure. Sam convinced me to go to connect with his friends.

When we came, their itinerary was a tight schedule of all thrill rides. The first ride was a rollercoaster. I was in line as a placeholder for a person. One friend, Jake, collected everyone’s phones and put it in his bag. I tried to tell him that I couldn’t go on the ride, but it seems I was unclear. I didn’t want to make a fuss for this one ride so I gave him my phone. When the person returned, I got out of line and waited at one of the two exits as they would meet me there.

After waiting for 40min, I realized they must have gone to the other exit and left without me. I checked the other nearby rides but I couldn’t find them. I went to a first aid station, and I called my phone and then my husband but he didn’t pick up.

At first I tried to stay in the area, but it was high traffic, loud, and very hot. I still had my pass and cash with me. I found a quieter, shaded area, bought lunch, met a very nice elderly couple who showed me a few spots, won a plushie and a blanket from a vending machine, and had dinner. I had fun.

There was an announcement that the park would close in half an hour. I decided I would go to our parked car to wait for the group. 30min later, one of Sam’s friends, Nancy, found me next to the car and dragged me to the others. They were furious because they had been frantically looking for me for the last half an hour.

Update: There is not much of an update. Sam and I talked it out at home and in marriage counseling and came to a sort of understanding. I feel I was less than charitable to him, likely because I felt hurt that he left me.

This is how the day went.

Jake gathered everyone’s loose items including phones, wallets, hats, etc. in his bag and put it in a locker. I made a mistake and put my phone in his bag since I didn’t want to hold them up. A bit later, I crossed over to the exit line, walked down, and waited at the exit. They were supposed to meet me there.

My husband’s group got split. Sam rode in the second half and heard from his friend that the first group didn’t want to do another thrill ride. They slipped back to the entrance with the lockers instead of going to the exit. When I wasn’t at the lockers he thought I left with the first group without waiting for him.

He was hurt and decided not to contact me until I contacted him. He thought if I loved him, I would contact him.

Meanwhile, I was waiting at the exit. I realized that Sam had already left when I saw the same people exit twice, meaning they rode the coaster, waited in line again, and rode the again. This was approx 40 minutes after the 25 wait time the line stated.

I went to the first aid station and called him. I made a mistake. I forgot he doesn’t respond/call back unknown numbers because of scams.

Sam’s friends got back together and split throughout the day. He was upset when I wasn’t with any group because he thought I left them too and I hadn’t tried to contact him.

When the park announced the closing, he was worried. He and his friends called my phone. They dug through Jake’s backpack and saw that my phone was there and it was dead. Sam found out no one had seen me since the first ride. He called back the unknown number and it was the first aid station who confirmed I was there.

Our marriage counselor said I was passive and lacked boundaries. I should have said no to the entire idea. I agree with her. I’m working on me with my therapist.

She said that Sam was so willing to believe I left him and his desire to test if I still loved him that he left me in a dangerous situation. His therapist said he defines himself by the love I give him, which is unhealthy.

Sam apologized the entire time. He feels guilty. He mopes around the house. I gave him the plushie I won and it only made him happy for a few minutes. I think I made it worse. He constantly checks my hand to see if I’m still wearing my rings.

Verdict: Not the Asshole

OOP responds on several questions regarding waiting for her husband and his friends

Giving up my phone was my fault, I agree. Jake told me to put my phone in his bag, I told him I wasn’t going on this ride, but I don’t think I made it clear to him. He told me to put my phone in again and there were others with their phones out waiting to put theirs in, so I put mine in to not create a fuss. I thought that since we agreed to meet up at the exit, it would be fine if I didn’t have my phone. Unfortunately, my phone was on mute as well. I should have not done so . We arrived there in the morning. There are a long lines for the most anticipated thrill rides.

I only had an abdominal hysterectomy so while I can’t lift heavy things or walk a lot, I’m mostly fine.

Edit: the surgery was almost two weeks ago . I can’t blame my husband too much. He was excited to be with his friends. Almost always, I’m not there when he is with them so I can see how he genuinely forgot I was there at the start.

This was supposed to be a way for me to bond with his friends, since his therapist says he puts barriers between certain aspects of his life, but it fell by the wayside since I can’t actually go on most of the rides they planned.

They were searching in the park for me. I suppose they could have made an announcement. When my husband called the number I used back, it was the general first aid center in the park, which apparently made them think I could have been sick. . They just genuinely forgot I was there. It was a large group that frequently hang out together and I don’t go on these sorts of outings so it makes sense. . Yes, I feel bad because they did seem worried and angry. 30 minutes is a long time to be looking for someone in a big park. They didn’t sign up to form a search and rescue, just have fun in the park.

My husband was having fun with his friends. He tracks my phone location so I assume he wasn’t concerned until they realized that I didn’t have my phone and there was no way to track me down.

 

- September 27, 2022

I had an abdominal hysterectomy. Due to poor personal choices, my wound opened back up and plus I got a horrible infection. I had to get another surgery 2.5 weeks after my initial one to fix the damage I caused. It’s been several weeks but I’m still in a lot of pain.

Comments

OOP on if she has finally divorced her husband and having her family taking care of her

I am alright. I got a postnup. My grandmother got very sick so I went back alone to my home country. An unofficial separation. She didn’t make it. I still feel like my heart has been ripped out. I was in both physical and emotional pain. My husband had a severe breakdown and was hospitalized because I wasn’t there. His family and friends begged me to come back so I did. I couldn’t go back to work. I stay at home. he takes care of me.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is

WIBTA for calling off a wedding because my fiancé is extremely frugal?

Originally posted to and OOP's own page

Posted by

  Posted by

TRIGGER WARNING: emotional abuse, trauma, financial struggles, neglect, psychological manipulation

MOOD SPOILERS: sad - but generally positive overall

  June 06, 2023

I 31F struggle with my fiancé’s 32M frugalness and not sure if I want to marry him anymore after 3 year relationship.

Throwaway as my Fiancé follows my regular account.

I met my Fiancé 3 years ago. He came out of an abusive marriage just 2 years before we met. One of her absolute abuses was financial. She bled him dry. Made him buy expensive jewelry only to give it away or break it after an argument. Designer shoes, clothes, big house cars… Caribbean trips. you name it she made him pay for it. She also took him to the cleaners in the divorce.

However. My Fiancé is very well off. He makes far over 6 figures almost 7. On top of that he inherited a few millions from his grandfather and his parents gifted him and his siblings also a few cool millions.

So yes the financial abuse was bad but he does not suffer financially. He has more money than he will ever need.

So last year I moved into his house. I do not pay rent but I split the bills and buy food. I pay for my own clothes and jewelry. I have a good job and I can take care of myself. However things have been taking a turn for the worse and I feel miserable.

His house was empty when I moved in. He had hand me down furniture. Maybe 3 forks and 2 knives. He wouldn’t put on the heating so the house felt cold and moldy. He has no curtains, no decorations. His ex took everything not bolted down and he was too cheap to replace it. Just imagine a million dollar house like that!

I am grateful that I can live in his house. It is something I could never afford myself. But I didn’t want to live in squalor! So I bought some kitchen supplies, some furniture… but at some point I realized I was dipping in my savings all the time and he did nothing. I looked into curtains but those things are expensive. His house has so many windows it is crazy. I didn’t want to pay for this anymore.

I told him I needed a fund to furnish his house. He blew up at me that I was just with him for his money. I pointed out all the money I spend on his house. The gifts and the trips because he pays for nothing ever. Because he wants to be sure I am not here for the money. The fact is, if we break up I have nothing… the house is not mine. If I spend all my savings on his house I will be left with absolutely nothing! He wants a prenup and I am fine with that but I can’t help but feel used.

Next to that I am jealous of his ex wife. I feel like she got treated and I am neglected. He proposed to his ex on a cruise with a 10.000 dollar white gold diamond ring. I got the rhodium plated Swarovski stuff that might cost like 100 bucks. The proposal was at a picnic in the park I organized, payed groceries for and slaved in the kitchen for. I almost said no out of pure disappointment . However I am afraid to bring it up and to be called a golddigger. I don’t want to be funding a millionaire’s lifestyle. He loves everything as long as I pay for it. As soon as he has to pay it is frivolous, unnecessary….

I can live like a poor person by myself. At least the fact there are literal millions lying around doesn’t hang over me to bum me out.and I would just be paying for my own lifestyle.

WIBTA for calling of a wedding purely for financial reasons. Because I love this man, but I imagine our cheap wedding in contrast to his ex her extravaganza, will our future kids be able to have some luxuries? Or only if I pay for it? What if I ever become a stay at home mom? Will I have to beg to put the heating on?

Edited to answer questions I see a lot: I know the abuse is not made up. His family and friends told me seperate stories of the abuse they witnessed. Not only did it confirm it, it showed me she was way more terrible than I thought. Like stealing heirloom jewelry of his grandma with alzheimer right after she was widowed. Pretending she was gifted these things even though every one knew grandma hated her guts.

I did not realize or see he is doing the same to me as she was to him and he is (subconsciously) punishing me for what was done to him.

I am not trying to force a lifestyle in him where he was previously happy in. He told me prior to moving in that he left his house like this because he was depressed after his wife took everything ( even the curtains) that it makes him sad and he wants a cozy home. He just didn’t know where to start.

His house is paid off, thanks to grand dad. He isn’t actually spending much on utilities either, house is very well isolated and has solar panels. It is weird to see how cheap being rich really is.

I am not asking for designer furniture. Ikea all the way and I have refurbished second hand furniture myself. I am actually pretty thrifty .

I see where my jealousy over the ex her lifestyle might have triggered some people. Let me explain. A 10.000 dollar ring is insane and stupid to me. I do not want that because I would fear for losing it every day. I don’t need an over the top wedding … however, it almost feels like for her he did effort. Wanted to give her what made her happy. Put effort and thought in it. With me it almost feels like he wants to prove how little he can give me.

He talked about how he would see the wedding and it is cheaper than my actually financially struggling cousin her wedding. I can’t help but feel he wants to demonstrate how cheap he can treat me! And I already feel embarrassed about the family that would have been to both and I will feel like the discount wife. I don’t like to say it but it feels like he gets of on it to some extend. We are almost talking washing paper plates at this moment.

Yes I did discuss selling the mansion I really don’t need and move to a more modest house. Especially knowing this is the house his ex picked. He doesn’t want to do that. He loves this house… but I feel really intimidated living in a house I could never afford anyway. And so many large windows… tjeesh

I havn’t talked to him yet but pauze on the marriage and counseling is a must . I already am looking for IC because I realized I might indeed be too much of a people pleaser allowing him to control me with the ghost of his ex. I also am going to seperate for a while. I am looking to rent something for a few months so I can get some space.

Thank you all for your insights !

RELEVANT COMMENTS

SeniorDay

NTA. - “I understand you’ve had some trauma in your past and I’m sorry you went through that. But I can’t allow you to mistreat me because of it. It burns me up inside that you gave her everything, but I have to beg for the bare minimum. I deserve to feel cherished by my partner, as I have cherished you.”*

OOP  

Oomph that hit me right in the feels.

~

moth_girl_7

“I am not with you because of the money you have, and if you can’t trust that then that’s something you need to work on. I cannot live without heat, furniture, curtains, and basic decency just to prove to you that I am not a financial abuser like your ex. It feels as if you are projecting that image onto me and that is unfair.” His way of coping is extremely unhealthy. What he should be doing is talking to a therapist about how he can communicate his needs to you, not shutting you out and behaving the complete opposite of how he did with this ex. He should set some healthy boundaries on how he spends his money, sure, but he also needs to acknowledge that you asking for some financial contribution to the house you live in isn’t the same as his ex demanding he take her on a cruise. He needs to find some ways he can feel appreciated when he does spend money on things you benefit from, and he needs to trust that he is in full control of his money, you have no desire to take that from him.*

  June 10, 2023 (4 days later)

Originally posted to *, but was removed by the mods. Preserved on user's account.*

Okay I hope this update makes sense because I am very confused and not really doing that well at the moment.

Well Reddit you changed my life. thank you so much for all your ideas and insights. Honestly I don’t think I would have had the courage to do what I did without you guys. I went to therapy Took the day off just to get my racing mind to calm down.

Therapy has confirmed things you guys suspected. I am a people pleaser, I wanted to “save” him and I have internalized the idea that any effort and every penny I want him to spend on me makes me a gold digger. I will have weekly sessions to work on me. I realized I would have never taken this treatment from any of my exes. Even though I made more then them. The idea I had to proof myself “ worthy “ to be with a millionaire and not be in there for the money got in to my head pretty early.

I called one of his siblings I am pretty close with and just told her everything. She was not surprised but just sad about how unhappy he was making me. She told me that from the day we started he had this idea that “ I was out of his league”. He struggled to understand why I wanted to be with him and he probably just thought : it must be my money. She told me she already talked to him in the past to treat me better. She was furious about the proposal.

This information confused me a little. I was a little hurt she never discussed any of this before but she thought it was none of her business. She also explained how she and her husband organized their finances. He also doesn’t have as much as her.

I took the opportunity to pack a bag. I haven’t n’t found a place yet but I am going to stay with my parents. I made up my mind that I will at least want 6 months apart to get myself in order. I made sure my stuff was in the car because honestly I had no idea how the conversation would go.

so into the most difficult part. The talk. I waited for him to come home. He was pretty late but I didn’t want to sleep another night on this. Pretending I was fine while I was contemplating all this just ate me up.

I had written down what I wanted to say. I have never been so scared before. I didn’t want to hurt him and I didn’t know how he would react. I took some advice from here. I opened that I was moving out and that I wanted to pauze our engagement. He was very quiet and just sat down. I told him he really hurt me by calling me a golddigger and that I am done walking on eggshells and feeling guilty for just wanting basic things. I told him I was unhappy and felt neglected. I also told him that after 3 years of me showing up for him he still doesn’t think I am here for him, it is not going to happen.

He was just quiet. He didn’t say anything. I told him that the constant comparing to his ex was unhealthy and unfair.Punishing me for her sins was abusive. I told him comparing her to me all the time has triggered me comparing myself to her and starting to feel like she was worth more than me. One of the things about her was mostly ungratefulness. He would do nice things for her but it was never enough. The thing is, he doesn’t do nice things for me and I have to be grateful for the pleasure of picking up the bill.

I told him he was not ready for marriage. That I dreaded having kids with him and live like this. That is didn’t trust he would take care of me if I would become a SAHM. And at that point I just called him abusive and a user. I was getting pretty angry saying all this out loud. Losing my composer and script a little bit.

He remained quiet with almost no emotion on his face. I stayed quiet but nothing came out so I decided that I would just leave. Only when I got up to go he said please don’t go. He asked me if I was pausing the wedding or calling it of. He wanted to know if it was over or if he still had a shot.

I told him I wanted out of this house. I honestly don’t want to live in his ex her palace of sadness anymore. I needed him to go to therapy and especially financial therapy. I needed a separation. I told him I was open to couples counseling if he went into IC.

He begged me not to do the separation but honestly I really really wanted it. I just told him to think about it and I left him. He was finally showing some emotions. He was crying at this point.

He sent me a very long text somewhere in the AM. Told me he was a wreck and couldn’t sleep. He made all kinds of promises. He would go into therapy, sell his house, buy a smaller one and make sure I am taken care of whatever happens. He said he would help me decorate and we will make a home. He again asked me to please come “home”. But to me it doesn’t feel like home there anyway.

I feel very empty and tired. I have been sleeping most of the day. I feel guilty but also a little bit relieved if that makes sense.I don’t know if I actually want back if he does all that. Idk I am a little unsteady right now. I need some time to proces.

I will go back for the kitchen supplies and my tv. I won’t take anything else of the furniture. This for the exact same reason I was unwilling to buy everything: his house is huge so the couch is huge … I can’t take it.

   Jul 04 2023 (1 month later)

Hi everybody. Let me just say I am overwhelmed by the number of people really caring about me and asking for updates. Strangers who care about you is a feeling like no other thank you!

So as I said I left. I am looking for an apartment I can afford. My parents are helping out. I am living with them and saving up.

I am not closing all doors but as for now we are broken up. I have no contact. The first week he transferred a large amount to my account. It really rubbed me the wrong way. It just showed me that he still thought that money was what kept me here. I deducted the couch I left and transferred everything else back I asked for no contact after this.

He has been respectful of it and I feel free at the moment. I felt guilty for my needs. For wanting to be taken out every once and a while. The longer I am out the harder I realize it was abuse. I have an autoimmunity problem and the cold house caused it to flare up. Even after that he kept turning the heat down. He rather have me miserable than pay what? 100 dollars extra in the end of the year?

The last thing I heard is that he put the palace of sadness on the market. I have seen the adds so happy he is going through with that. I heard of his sister that he is in therapy. I am happy for that and I hope he keeps that up! He is keeping his promises so far but I need to see real change and even then I really don’t know.

I am building my own life by myself. Thinking about getting a puppy. If I give him another shot. It has to start all from scratch. I want to start dating again and take it slow.

Therapy is really a good idea. I now know I was just bringing this on myself as a people pleaser. Savior… wanting this man to be happy so bad I forgot about myself. Never again.

So that is all there is to say really

RELEVANT COMMENTS

gurlwithdragontat2

Best of luck! Please never forget your worth again, because others will shortchange you if so.*

OOP 

True! I allowed this from day one and let him play his fantasy revenge on me. The red flags were there so early. Loving ourselves is the key to a happy life

~

​ SummerFlip

My question is, did you previously communicate your feelings before just ending it? Did you wait until you stopped loving him?*

OOP  

I did. Multiple times. I had a few break downs where I told him I was unhappy especially when my autoimmunity disease just kicked into high gear I told him I was done being cold. Then the discussions started about what is cold and I had to negotiate a temperature setting he was okay with , he would still turn it down behind my back.    The curtains were just the last straw for me. He was giddy and happy about all other changes I made to his home with my money I thought it would not be so weird to ask him to pitch in right? I had done so much, sacrificed so much and he still blew up at me?    What kind of golddigger pays for everything for 3 years? If I was one I was really bad at it    So yes I communicated, over and over and nothing changed. I am pretty shocked he is actually doing something right now but honestly I think it is a little too late. I don’t want to shut the door completely but I will never ever be cold in my life ever again

   Sep 21 2023 (3 months after OG post)

Thank you for everyone reaching out to me. I have closed in on a little apartment for myself. I got a puppy.

After being in a home where I was truly loved: my parents I realized how sad, cold and alone I had been. Over time I went blind for a lot of things.

Blind to a comfortable home temperature. Comfortable with thinking about every penny spend. Feeling guilty for buying that dress I wanted for so long that was finally on sale. Feeling entitled for wanting date nights… being treated sometimes.

I started to think about what makes me happy. I love to travel, dress up to go to a nice restaurant. Throw dinner parties, entertain people, think about Christmas gifts 6 months in advance. Have a cosy house…. And I realized just how much he had taken from me with that one little sentence: is that really necessary…

Is anything ever? If you have a roof, food, bed and a TV you are there right? Is travel necessary? Is having nice clothes necessary? Is a shower necessary? A haircut? A party? A hobby? A wedding? No!

I know now that abusers are not per definition bad people. He is broken and he has trauma I have no time or energy for. He got free from abuse and decided to become the abuser. I know he is in therapy and we initially agreed on 6 months no to low contact. But I felt I was certain it was not for me anymore and I didn’t want to keep him dangling.

Breaking up with him was very hard. It made me very sad. I never wanted to hurt him and I loved this man very deeply. I wanted us to be each others happy ever after. We both came from dark places and I wanted us to thrive together. His family told me I was the one, I was everything he was looking for and I felt so lucky.

But we only have 1 life and he has so much work to do before he even becomes the bear minimum of what I needed.

I feel failed. Like my story has a bad ending. I feel very broken and sad. I will take my time to just be me. I hope he does the same. I truly hope he finds the one and becomes happy. Mostly I hope that for myself but for now I am enough by my self with the pupper!

Thank you all for your time and support. I am going to have a little cry in some furbaby’s fluffy fur

RELEVANT COMMENTS

NolaCat94

This is so far from a bad ending. A bad ending would've been staying until nothing was left of you. A bad ending would've been him bleeding you dry and you being stuck. You put yourself first and that will always be good. And to add to the positivity, this is probably the kick he needed to get past his trauma.*

OOP  

I think you are spot on. He has said these things himself. He didn’t know how bad he was until he came home to me leaving. He has told me he hates himself for letting me walk and letting me be this miserable. He is in therapy ( as far as I know because I am No contact ) and I hope he does well.    I really felt once I was out how much of myself was lost. I went through quite a dark time realizing how far I went for this man. But I am getting better.

~

ZestyLemonAsparagus

It does feel like a sad ending, I get the sadness of knowing the magical ending wasn’t going to happen, of the hope that he would see the light and make the changes he needed to in order to make you feel valued. But at the end of the day it’s a happy ending as well, you have a puppy who loves you and he demonstrated through his anger that he still holds his values of stinginess higher than he holds you, so you don’t have to wonder. This really, really feels like the ending of Inside Out, where a core memory comes in and it is a mix of Joy and Sadness. And sadness isn’t bad, sadness helps us remember what is important. You are important. I’m happy for you that you have been able to connect with the things that bring you joy, and surrounded yourself with them.*

But… please stay open. I know you have joked that you are fine being single forever, and if that is the course of your life, then that’s all well and good. Being single doesn’t mean lonely as you truly know while you entertain in your apartment. Guard yourself against become a version of your ex in the same way he became a version of his ex, not that you would abuse others but that you would abuse yourself by closing yourself off from people to keep yourself safe. You deserve that joy, and all the happiness in the world.*

OOP

Thank you. I will be open to someone again but only when it comes out of a place of “ wow this person is something else” not interested in anything else.    I know now I ran past several red flags just because this man could give me the life I dreamed of. Married, nice house, some kids. A life with no worries … but he was not that man. 

He has send me letters upon letters how sorry he is, taking accountability. But I can’t anymore. I just don’t want to try again. I hope he does well for himself. He is in therapy and doing his best. I hope he is happy one day. I just don’t want to be part of it anymore.    So yes it is no Disney ending. But it is also not my ending. It is a real beginning

~

Ok-Act-8736

He’s now taking accountability? Last time he was angry at you for not respecting what je can do with his money*

OOP  

Yep he is very sorry about that. He doesn’t know why reacted like that. He is ashamed about it. Money suddenly doesn’t matter to him anymore. These are all things in his texts letters and phone calls. 

But it has been a while since I have had contact with him.    Even if he changes a lot now… my question is : why couldn’t he do that then. I got sick, when I got sad and told him I was unhappy… why can he only change when he is in pain because I left?    That says it all. 

I really hope he finds himself and that he will be happy in the future but I don’t want to be part of it anymore

NEW UPDATE

  Dec 26, 2023 (4 months since last update)

I was in a financially abusive relationship. With enough time passing now I am more comfortable with the word abuse. I fought it for a long time because he did not scream at me, hit me or called me names.

He just used triangulation  and the image of his abusive ex to use my own kindness against myself and to get me to fall in line. Spend my limited savings into furniture, luxuries and nights out for a goddamn multi millionaire just to have some comfort in life. Constantly trying to prove I was no gold digger by having 0 needs, living in a cold house and buy him everything he could ever want. I never lived a impoverished existence then when I was with a person who actually had loads of money. More than I could possibly comprehend.

When I left I really struggled to keep at it. I was so scared to go at life by myself. To actually have to pinch Pennie’s.  He kept telling me what I wanted to hear for so long. Went into therapy, begged me to come back. It digged into my resolve.  Made me doubt if I was making a mistake.

A few things made me go on:

1. My colleagues who are more friends than coworkers who knew all my stories into details hugged me and told me they were so proud of me for leaving. Their feeling was so authentic it rubbed off on me. I was also proud I left and I couldn’t let them and me down by going back

2. My boss once passed my office when I was working late and he said:” Never give men second chances! They never change. You deserve someone who gets it right from the start.” I don’t know what prompted him to say this to me but it stuck with me.

3. My trainer who knows some stories said to me: you gave everything to get less then nothing back ! It is like me getting a 100 bucks from you and to repay you I’ll take another 100 bucks from your wallet! why would you want to take that deal again? He has a debt with you he can’t repay and I don’t mean cash. I mean emotional energy, love and kindness.

4. I read somewhere: don’t wake up in the same miserable place 10 years from now because you feared the change you have to make today. That hit me very hard.

I have bought my own apartment. I felt like a poor little mouse being surrounded by people who make my monthly wage in a few days! But the fact is I have a very good job. I earn far above average. I am able to have a nice place, nicely furnished. And I can even support a puppy.

I live by myself but feel endlessly more warmth then in a relationship. I love myself way more. I am not riddled with guilt over wanting to have a cozy house. Go out for dinner sometimes. I am so happy I dragged myself out of this relationship. I kept at it and moved on.

Keep going. One foot in front of the other. It is hard but you can do this! I am proud of you!

   Apr 9, 2024 (4 since last update)

The money is gone. I am not going to get that back or fight for it. I even had to block him because at some point he got petty and wanted me to pay rent for the time I lived with him so no way I was opening that discussion. Whatever… lesson learned . I may look poor compared to millionaires but I am doing fine.

The sister and I did get along for a while. We share a hobby and talked about that. But recently I have been official and out in the open with my new boyfriend and she struggles with this. Maybe she was hoping it would still work out or something I don’t know. But she has been one a lot colder.

This man… wow! People say never settle because there is better out there for you… I never believed it. Honestly I was ready to be a crazy dog lady for the rest of my life. I was enjoying being single. My friends urged me to start dating just to get the hang of it… he was my 3rd date. I went against my will and was 100% not into it but when I saw him in real life…omg sparks flew like never before ! I am in my thirties so you would have thought  experienced it all… but this??? Wow

He is everything my ex was not. He is kind and caring. Cooks me dinner. Gets flustered but is grateful for gifts he gets. He treats me to dinners. Will not even allow me to go Dutch on it. He has planned and booked dates and trips months in advance even before we were well and good official. Buys me gifts! He is not as wealthy as my ex. But he makes a good living. His income is comparable to mine but he treats me like a queen. And between me and you ( and all redditors that dig this deep in the comments) the love making is INSANE ! I guess giving people give everywhere freely.

So please take away to never settle! Ever ! Trust the process babe!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ConditionBig6373

I hope you told him off! After the abuse you suffered he should shit his mouth and be grateful you didn't sue him for emotional distress!

OOP

Too much energy to waste on a man who wasted so much already. I just never want to see him again. I hope he finds the help he needs and I hope he becomes a happy person but I do not want to be anywhere near him.

I am so happy with my current boyfriend. I don’t understand how I fought for so long to keep this man.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in .

Thanks to for the recommendation

Mood Spoiler: hopeful ending

Original : May 27, 2024

My (35f) fiancé (34m) was chasing our 22 month old around the house for fun. The fun ended abruptly when he slipped on the floor and smacked his head on the tile. It was so hard I felt the vibration from 10 feet away. My fiancé immediately swept him up and held him. He cried for a good 15 minutes and there was a huge bloodshot lump on the back of his head. Our son is a magnet for head hitting and I've always been worried but this time it was so hard that I felt it in my gut. Quite literally I wanted to vomit from fear and started tearing up. He seemed quiet lethargic after, just kind of slammed in his father's lap and not wanting a popsicle which are his favorite.

I begged my fiancé to take him to the hospital and when my mom chimed in in agreement, my fiancé stomped up the stairs to get changed. He came down and argued that we were overreacting and he's going to spend a but of money just for them to send him home. I told him I thought our sons pupils looked off when I shined a light and his demeanor was different so I'd feel better knowing he's ok by professionals. He reluctantly put our son in the car and we went to the ER.

Upon a couple of hours watch and some examinations, they decided that he was okay but said they totally understood why we would bring him in. The whole ride back and as we got ready for bed, my fiancé went off on me about how he was going to have to pay the bill for nothing and how he has to get up early for work with no sleep. (He'll get 6 hours which is more than I will since the ER doctor told us to monitor him for the next few days as symptoms could turn up later.) He also decided to throw a jab in about how I get to sleep in which is completely false as we have a newborn that I'm up feeding every 2 hours and both babies wake up about 10 minutes after he leaves.

I just kept reminding him that it was better to know he was okay rather than not being able to wake him up in the morning. I understand that ER bills can be expensive, but we have good insurance and I still echo that it's better safe than sorry. But AITAH for "strong-arming" him into going since everything turned out to be ok?

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Nta that man is a moron. You don't play with head injuries. When in doubt check it out. Ask him if the money and sleep are more important then his child if something has happened?

OOP: Even though he said "better safe than sorry" to the nurse he still continued to rip me a new one when we got home about how it was a waste of money and time. I feel vindicated knowing I made the right choice.

Commenter: NTA Any mom that is concerned for their son is not the asshole. I get your partners point about bills but at the end of the day, health and saftey matters the most.

If the injury sustained looked abnormal and genuinely concerning you have every right to bring your son in. And fuck the American Health care system.

OOP: He's always cried and went right back to being his energetic self. This time he just sat there quiet and I was so worried. And yes. The American Healthcare system can suck a big one.

(to a different commenter who misread her above comment as hating on the docs): The hospital staff were amazing. I'm not saying that. It's the price of it all that causes many people to turn away from help when they truly need it. I was so grateful for everyone on board last night to help my son the best that they could.

Commenter: Swing and a miss on the partner choice there. Oh well. You’re obviously NTA for taking a small child to the doctor for a potentially serious head injury. I’m sorry for the other issues you’ll be facing between now and your divorce. This can’t be the only thing fiancé is wildly reckless about. You could always not marry him, but knowing Reddit, I have a feeling you’ll conclude, “oh, he’ll change,” even though literally no one ever changes. At all. Ever.

OOP: I see your point there for sure. He's certainly not an abusive father by any means and he does love his sons very much. I think he was just raised differently because as a child he tried comparing it to a time he had a head injury so bad his head bled and he passed out. Not one adult took him to the hospital. So I guess he thought that was normal? From now on if there's any emergencies (God forbid) I'll be going solo. I don't need to feel guilt on top of my nauseating concern.

Commenter: NTA. Better safe than sorry. Your fiancé is a reckless asshole though. 

OOP: He does get our son hyped up. It makes me happy to see them playing, but crap like this always happens when he rough houses with him. I love my fiancé so much and he's a great father. I just wish he'd play more gently with him and not get mad when his actions indirectly cause a hospital trip.

(different commenter): The rough play definitely needs to stop. I have to have a talk with him after this event for sure.

Commenter: He’s not a great father. Denying a small child medical care for head trauma is not being a great father.

OOP: He did say "let's just keep an eye on him for a few hours to see if we need to go" but it was close to bedtime and I couldn't wait. And he did seem off to me so I felt it was the right thing. I think he just feels like that's my knee jerk reaction to everything. Which has only happened one other time when thought he swallowed a coin and the Dr's office told us to go in because they had a case once where the coin got stuck and the child needed surgery in their throat. That's the only reason we went. Because the Dr told us to. So I can see your point for sure.

Commenter: You were right to be concerned about a  possible concussion after that fall?! Your toddler can’t articulate all of the things he’s feeling, and you saw the signs that he was in pain and not his self.

Your fiancé’s response to your logical concerns is problematic.  Why hesitate if you have insurance, especially in case of a head injury that can have long term consequences?! Thank goodness your toddler is ok. NTA 

OOP: I'm starting to feel like there's something really wrong here with my fiancés logic. It is worrisome. I even cried asking "why aren't you as worried as I am about this?" And he said he was but his behavior showed otherwise.

There is no consensus bot on AITAH, but comments were a majority NTA

Update : May 28, 2024 (Next Day)

I got a lot of support from you all on the verdict. I want to say thank you first and foremost. It eased my mind to know that I wasn't just being an overreacting mom.

Our son is back to his energetic self and doing well. Of course he fell again when I whipped out a diaper to change him and ran from me screaming with laughter. Luckily he caught himself with his hands. I don't know what I'm going to do about this crazy kid.

There were a lot of comments saying my fiancé is a red flag and I can understand from that one scenario that he seemed to be at the time a big.. dick to say the least. I wanted to reiterate that he's actually a really great father. He's been stressing about money because of the new baby and working 6 days a week, beaten by the elements and doing heavy duty labor.

He ended up taking off from work yesterday and apologized for the way he reacted and talked to me. He felt terrible about it and spent most of the day holding our son and being grateful that he was alive. I guess my words sunk in about a wait and see attitude might have led to our son not waking up in the morning. He promised to no longer roughhouse with him anymore and gets shooken up whenever our son starts to run. I think my fiancé was a little traumatized that it was kind of his participation that led to our sons fall.

Thanks again for all the support!! Hopefully that's the first and last ER visit our bub has. With his high energy, I'll be crossing all of my fingers with hopefulness.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Perhaps it's time to do something about the slippery floors? At this rate, it's gonna happen again.

OOP: The floor wasnt slippery. He slipped on one of his magnet blocks. Yesterday he fell outside on the patio. He just runs so fast that his little legs can't keep up with his momentum. My new rule is no running unless it's outside on grass

Commenter: Can we all agree that the real asshole in this situation is the broken and barbaric american healthcare system which would create a financial incentive to parents to not get their child medical care after an injury?

OOP: I do agree with you there. The staff was fantastic. It's the financial institution behind it all that pisses me off. My father couldn't afford to the ER for a severe migraine. Fastforward 2 years and it was an aggressive cancer that ended up spreading and ending his life. If he felt he could afford it, maybe they could've caught it in time.. the US Healthcare System is a POS

I brought it back literally just now and I currently own the subreddit.

99.7k subscribers.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

Previous

[New Update] - AITA for yelling at my SIL at my wedding and telling her no one cares that she is pregnant

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: manipulation, gaslighting, enabling, obsessive behavior

---

RECAP

: February 20, 2024

Sorry everyone, my story was duplicated in my previous post, hopefully it was fixed

TLDR: I yelled at my SIL at my wedding that no one cares that she is pregnant after she repeatedly trued to take the attention off of my husband and I.

My husband (30 m) and I (26f) got married during covid. We couldn’t have a big ceremony because of restrictions, and unfortunately my family couldn’t be present as they live in a different country. With restrictions finally lifted, we decided to have a more traditional ceremony in my home country with my family. My husband’s family came, his parents, some friends, cousins and his sister (32 f, we’ll call her Sara) and her husband (28 m, we’ll call him Matt).

Sara and Matt live on the other side of the US than the rest of the family. They had their wedding a couple of months back in their home state, and ever since then when we have a conversation, even without our wedding coming up, Sara would say that she and Matt are planning to get pregnant on the trip for my husband and I’s wedding. No big deal, I just made sure to tell her that she needs to ovulate for that to happen, but other than that I could not care less. What started to get annoying, is when we were talking about all the activities/ excursions people wanted to do so could go ahead and book it, Sara would always say “Make sure there’s is enough time for Matt and I at the hotel so we can get busy making our baby.” Again, kind of gross, a little annoying, but whatever, they are grown ups.

About a week before we all leave to go to my home country, Sara and Matt arrive in our home state to spend time with family as they rarely see them. My husband and I, his parents, and my husband’s brother and sister in law are sitting chatting, when Sara blurts out she is pregnant. We all get really excited, congratulate them and saying how happy we are. We start asking some questions, and Sarah says she is 2 weeks pregnant. Everyone kind of loses a little bit of excitement and say wow, that’s really early, we suggest to wait before telling other people, just as a lot can happen. People usually dont even know they are pregnant until at least 6 weeks, and even then they are encouraged to wait until after the first trimester to tell people. My BIL and SIL were very happy and excited for them, but cautioned them even more as they have experienced multiple miscarriages before having their first child.

Matt replied by saying they are only telling the people closest to them, eg his parents, her parents and her siblings, no one else since it is so early. Well the next day, Sara had called her great uncle and his wife over for drinks and decided to tell them too, called her one aunt and uncle and told them, and by the end of the day basically the entire extended family knew, as well as some of her mom’s friends which stopped by the house and Sara told. With each person Sara told Matt got more agitated, as they had agreed to only tell a select few people. Matt finally gave up and asked her why she doesn’t just post it on Facebook as it will be quicker, to which she replied, she wants to, but she think it will be frowned upon.

My husband came to me and said it feels like she is trying to draw the attention away from us and our wedding, as she is known to do anything and everything to have the spotlight on her. I said to not worry about it, as when we are in my home country, she isn’t going to know many people so she wont say anything.

He agreed, but went to his parents and told them what he was feeling, and asked if they could politely suggest that she keep it to herself when we left for the trip. They agreed that it was valid for him to feel that way, as they know she hates it if the focus is not on her.

Anyway, we leave for the wedding and I see my mom for the 2nd time in 5 years. Obviously it was a very emotional reunion, but we wiped off our tears quickly and sat down for a meal with my husband’s family. After I introduced her to everyone, the waiter take our order and the first thing Sara says to my mom is, your daughter probably already told you, but I won’t be drinking this trip. My mom says that its no problem, you dont have to drink to have fun, and that Sara will still have fun, even if she chooses not to drink. Sara interrupts my mom to tell her its not by choice that she is not drinking, but that she is pregnant. (Keep in mind this is 10 minutes after she met my mom) my mom says congratulations and keeps on with another conversation. Sara intterupts my mom again and tells her how she is 2 weeks pregnant and just so excited. My mom ( who is in medicine) then tells Sara the same thing we did, that she should probably wait until she is in her second trimester to tell people, and Sara completely ignores her.

The same thing happens with my aunt, cousins, uncles, sister and grandparents, all of whom she had never met before.

My husband yet again speaks to his parents and ask them to please tell her to keep it private because it feels as though she is purposefully trying to take the attention away from our wedding. They say they will talk to her. Matt actually comes up to us and apologizes, by saying he agrees that it has gotten out of hand and that the number of people that know is way more than the number they agreed upon.

Fast forward, we are sitting eating while we wait for one of our excursions. A family that I lived with for 3 when I first moved to my husband’s country flew out for the wedding and met up with us for lunch. They have never met my SIL. The wife and I are talking about the wedding and all the arrangements, while my SIL sits across from us and listens to the conversation. My husband orders some shots for everyone at the table, when his mom says she doesn’t want one so he tells the server minus 1. My SIL hears him ordering the shots and goes off yelling across the table. “ I can’t drink alcohol!! You know I cant drink a shot! Why would you order me one?!” Everyone kind of stops and looks at her for a sec, before my husband says its not a problem as Matt said he wants 2. Everyone then continues their conversation including the wife and I. My SIL interrupts me and continues to make a big fuss over how my husband ordered her alcohol when he knows she’s not drinking. The wife then says its ok because Matt said he’ll drink it so its not going to waste. My SIL then says again how annoying it is that my husband ordered her a shot and I say to not worry about because I’ll just drink it if Matt doesn’t want it. She keeps doing this till I finally tell the wife, she’s not drinking because she is pregnant. The wife says congratulations and ask how far she is and then also tells her to be careful of telling too many people.

This situation happens about 3 more times in the week leading up to the wedding. Now this is why I might be the AH. The last time it happened she was telling my HS friends at the wedding how sick she has been, but no one asked why she was sick, they were just empathetic and saying they hope she feels better. They came over to me to talk to me and she followed again complaining about how sick she has been and kind of pushing them to ask why she has been feeling so sick, when I finally said, “ Sara, are you fucking kidding me?! No one gives a shit that you are pregnant, they don’t even know you.” Sara ran off crying and my MIL heard me say that and told my FIL who screamed at my husband saying how we hurt Sara’s feelings and how she is just excited.

My husband doesn’t think I did anything wrong, and my HS friends think I was fine too, because they know the backstory. My mom and some of my husband’s family think I was the Asshole.

So AITA for telling my SIL that no one cares that she is pregnant.

Relevant Comments

ACanWontAttitude: 2 weeks pregnant doesn't exist. If she's used the clear blue test that says 2 weeks, it actually means she's 4 weeks.

Your weeks of pregnancy are dated from the first day of your last period. This means that in the first 2 weeks or so, you are not actually pregnant – your body is preparing for ovulation (releasing an egg from one of your ovaries) as usual.

OOP: She said she knows when she got pregnant, it was their anniversary from when they started dating, and then she took a pregnancy test and it came back positive 2 weeks after their anniversary. She could also apparently ’feel when the implant of the egg happened’

ConsitutionalHistory: Here's the real problem...her husband, her parents, or even your husband should have told her off long before this reached your breaking point. You did nothing wrong...but apparently nearly everyone else was more than happy to play the role of enabler to the little princess.

Prestigious-Algae886: NTA. Sarah sounds insufferable. Is she the golden child?

OOP: Yes, never finished college after asking her dad to pay for 4 different colleges and degrees, and then still got a graduation present when she moved away to work on a ranch. She also gets a allowance for money every month from her father

 

: February 29, 2024

Update to my previous post on my profile.

My hisband and i finally had our honeymoon and we were unreachable during our holiday because we were out of the country. Our whole family knew this before we left and we told them the only way to reach us in emergency was to call the hotel. We knew Sara was going in for her appointment while we were away and we told her we would call her as soon as we got back home.

My husband and I was out one day for the whole day from the hotel doing activities, and when we got back we found a note on our room to say we have to go to reception. Once we got to reception, the person told us we had 7 missed calls from family and gave us a number to call. We didn’t know who called or what about, but we thought it was an emergency. We called the number and it was Matt. He was very confused and asked why we were calling him on our honeymoon and asked if we were ok? We said that the hotel said tihs number called 7 times and asked him if everything was ok, matt said everything was fine but Sara wanted to talk to us.

Matt called Sara over and she asked us how we were having fun etc, but we just wanted to know what was going on because we were so worried. Sara said she went to the doctor and got some news, we asked her if everything was ok, because she kept not saying anything and we could hear her and Matt whisper to each other. We heard Matt say to her “did you seriously call the hotel 7 times to tell them this? It could have waited.” Sara finally gets back on the phone and said that the doctor said she was going to have twins!! We said congratulations and asked if there was anything else? We thought it was an emergency. She said no she just wanted to share the news because she is so excited and scared and she couldn’t hold it in. She said she also called my mom, and told her (thay are friends on social media) .

My husband and I both just said we were very happy for them but really didn’t want to be bothered again if it was not an emergency. Sara said we were being very rude and she just wanted to share the good news. We hung up because we had to get ready for dinner.

When we got back into the US, my inlaws picked us up from the airport and were asking us if we spoke to Sara. We said yes she said she was having twins and we were very excited for them. My FIL then said Sara told them we were extremely rude to her and Matt and we were dismissive and hung up the phone. We told them what really happened and they said that is not what Sara has told the whole family.

We are now back in our house and haven’t spoken to Sara or Matt but matt texted us both but the text only cane through later where he said he was so sorry that they bothered us on our vacation and he felt horrible. We just texted back and said all good, and that we were very excited for both of them.

All i can say about this whole situation is that i am very happy that we live on the other side of the country from Sara.

Additional Information from OOP

I spoke to my MIL today and like everyone said, Sara didn’t calculate her time right. She is actually about 8-9 weeks pregnant according to my MIL. Sara is also having twins that were 2 eggs and 2 sperms (not sure the medical name) and each has their own sack.

Relevant Comments

bobbleheadjoe:_ Did your brother go with her to the doctor? Did he see the ultrasound?

For some reason women who fake pregnancies often claim they’re having twins. Now that isn’t a super likely scenario, but this woman sounds pathologically desperate for attention.

I probably have watched too many Dr Phil episodes on women who fake pregnancies, but I’d reverse image search any ultrasound pictures she sends/posts.

OOP: I think Matt went with yes, when we got back to the US she sent us a picture of the ultrasound, im not a doctor or in the medical field at all but it looked like two babies to me.

 

---

----NEW UPDATE----

: May 29, 2024 (3 months later)

Hi everyone, sorry for the long wait on the update, I have been really busy with my work.

Sara is still pregnant, due at the end of August, with 2 babies, one boy and one girl.

My husband (Sara's brother) and I have started to try and have a family of our own, no success yet, but we are not worried, it only 2 months. When we we're in my country, we were buying artwork and small furnitures from my country to put in the nursery of our future baby to have my culture too. Sara and her husband bought some things too for their house and because she was pregnant for the baby.

My mom was on the town with Sara one day when we did a trip they didnt want to do and bought some things for us, and told Sara its for the nursery for our future baby. When Sara heard what our idea for our nursery was with my culture, she decided she wanted her nursery to be like that, and bought almost everything we bought. We dint say anything because we thought she was just buying for her house and for friends, souvenirs etc.

Some time passed after everyting happened at the wedding and the honeymoon, and Sara called me to see if I can go to a store where we live and look at some baby things for her, because they dont have that store. I said yes and spend almost 2 hours with her on the videocall showing her things, taking pictures, and saying we can get it and mail to her if she needs anything, so we were on good terms.

then a week ago she posted on ig her nursery in progress and it was exactly what I said I wanted. The theme isnt something very common, but its my culture. Think like dragons for China, or Geisha for Japan. Very big part of the culture, but not usually a baby theme. I saw it and got mad, showed it to my husband and he was mad too, but said lets just give it a few days, and then talk about it again, and then we can decide what to do. I said ok.

Sara calls us a couple of days later to tell us the names she decided for her babies, and the boy name is very sweet, a mixture of a family name on Matt and Sara's family. The girl name is where the problem is. Her first name is very pretty, we love it, but her middle name is my husband's name that we said we wanted to use if we had a son. its not a girl/boy name like Taylor, its a boy name like Johnathan (not the rael name).

My husband said thats his name and she knew we wanted to use it. she said its also their uncle's name, and thats who its after. My husband kept saying but its his first name, and its boys name and we are still going to use the name if we have a son. This is where Sara loses her mind. she gets so mad and starts yelling that cousins cannot have the same name and she chose it first, and my husband just says ITS MY NAME. Finally Sara just hangs up after she said she thought my husband would be happy that she is nameing the baby the same name as him.

Again we give it a couple of days and then I had a talk with my husband and said I am still very upset about the theme and it feels like Sara always gets what she wants, no matter what other people think, feel or are affected. I told him its like the camels back broke from all the straw, over the last years. I told him I was going to call Sara and tell her how i feel and just talk about it. he said ok, but told me to wait one more day so I am not very angry when I call. I called my mom and told her what i told my husband, and she was furious. She pointed out that Sara also showed me and my husband things she thought would look good in our nursery with the theme we said we wanted, so she knew exactly what we wanted to do. I took a couple of hours to get my brain ready and called Sara to talk to her about it.

When I was talking to Sara, I made sure to tell her that the nursery wasn't the main issue, that it was just the last thing I could take. I told her it feels like everything is always about her, and how she wants it and screw everybody else. I said its almost 4 years of that, and the nursery was the last straw. I made it a point to talk to her nicely, not raise my voice and use kind words. SHE WENT OFF. She said a nursery theme isnt something you can own, and that I actually copied her. I told her its my culture so i dont know how that works. She called me such bad names and cursed me out, and i told her if she doesnt stop, i was going to hang up. She kept saying nasty things, and i told her again, and she kept going, so I hung up after i told her to lose my number and not contact me ever again. I havent had any other contact from her, and my husband either. It feels like a weight of my shoulders. I wish her the best but she cannot be a part of my life if she is acting like this. i also removed her from all socials.

So that’s that, Sara and me are done. my husband is low contact, only if she calls/ messages him, which is never. Her parents are shocked at me, but i said im done. Her mom asked if I am going to tell Sara when I get pregnant, and I said no, she is welcome to tell her, and my husband can tell her if she wants, but I am not speaking to Sara again. Sara had her shower, and I sent 2 outfits for the babies, because I brought them before the phone call, and she texted in a group chat to say thank you and I just liked the message. I told my husband that if I am home, Sara is not welcome in my house.

Thats probably the last update from me. I don’t think anything else will happen now that I am no contact. if anything, I will just comment on this post. I am not super active on reddit, so I am sorry if I don’t reply. Thank you all for the support and messages. you made me realise that I am not the crazy one. you are the best!!

Relevant Comments

EvasiveFriend: No one thinks it's weird or unusual for a non pregnant woman to make a nursery when another family member is pregnant?! What an unhealthy competition!

OOP: I go back to my country very few times. Since moving away, only 2 times in 5 years. My husband and I planned in getting stuff for our nursery when we visited, because we knew we wanted to have a baby soon, and we didn’t know when we are going back. Its very expensive to mail things, almost $$150 for a shoebox, so we got some things we could fit in our suitcases. A lot of the stuff you cannt find in Usa, so thats why we bought it there.

ObsoleteReference: I would make it very clear to parents in law you plan to use your husbands name for a boy no matter what. Don’t worry about it being confusing, unless Sara chills out considerably, you’re not going to want to deal with her pitting her/ her kids against anything that could distract from her being center stage.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP