DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by in

trigger warnings: masturbation

mood spoilers: funny?

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- Wed May 1 2024

Hello, sorry for the new account, I don't want this associate with my other account.

Okay, so, my MIL! Or actually I will start with my wife "Tara". Tara is lovely and wonderful. Tara also escaped from her little midwestern hometown and ran to the coast the absolute moment that she could, and I am pretty sure her mom took that personally. (her mom was born and raised in and around that small town)

So my MIL. She is emotionally immature. Tara read that one book about immature adult parents and she finally understood her family dynamic in a way she never did before. MIL is not a bad or evil person, she usually means very well, but she's kind of, I don't know how to put it, self-centered? Like her first thought process is always "how do I feel about this new information".

Tara and I bought a little starter home last year (fuck interest rates but we're hoping they come down and we can refinance, the place was too good to pass up) and her MIL invited herself over last week. This is something that is extremely on brand for her, and we like to pick our battles in this family, so we just let her.

Her mom (who again is not terrible, just has bad emotional regulation and boundaries) shows up and drops her stuff in the spare room and just immediately starts giving herself the tour. Again, whatever, we actually hired a cleaner before she arrived so we wouldn't worry, annoying but that's life.

So she's wandering around and comes to our bedroom. I have a jumbo sized tub of generic vaseline next to my bed because I use a nose CPAP and my lips get chapped so she picks it up and makes this really weird face and says, almost direct quote, "well I know what THIS is for!" And I respond, "oh that's for chapped lips, I don't jerk off with vaseline."

Apparently my timing was good because my wife laughed but my MIL did not laugh at all. Then for the next three days she kept asking me ARE YOU GONNA BE GROSS AGAIN when I tried to make normal conversation. I said over and over that she was the one who made the joke and her response was always "yeah but that was a JOKE!" like what I said was totally serious? And I guess it was, I mean, I was telling the truth, but I was only bantering because she started it. I didn't even invite her into our bedroom.

Anyways she brought it up over text to Tara and there is subtle pressure from her to just apologize, but I don't think I did anything wrong. AITA?

Comments:

robospammm

NTA. She was the one who first insinuated it was for sex. You just said it out loud.

She's got the dirty mind....

OOP

so her argument is that it was innuendo and mine was just stating words out loud. I think this might be a cultural thing too maybe idk, I have gotten in the doghouse in this family before for being too direct?

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slackerchic

NTA, she tried to make you blush but then gets mad because you made her blush is what this basically boils down to. The next time she says something about it I would just be like "omg how much do you think about this ONE comment??? The fact that it seems to be at the absolute forefront of your mind is making me almost as uncomfortable as the original "joke". Can we just bury this entire incident?"

OOP

yeah I think I might have been more direct than she's used to.

I am mostly worried about my wife, who gets to be the middleperson here. She finds it harder to set boundaries with her mother, I would gladly tell my MIL to just stop and go away if she wants to talk about it.

thank you for context

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mamblepamble

NTA. I read that book. My mom does this. She wants you uncomfortable so she has the upper hand to step on your boundaries and make you feel dirty. She was going to weaponize your reaction that entire trip if you had one and bring up the tub of Vaseline to get a reaction at every chance she got. You took that power away, turned the tables and didn’t give her the reaction she wanted (embarrassment) and now she’s pissy because you embarrassed her, she can’t take it, and she has no emotional power over the situation.

Let her be pissy. Fuck around and find out.

OOP

I mean, context, she does this with Tara a lot, which is why Tara upped sticks at the first opportunity.

when you put it that way... it seems really bad though...

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

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- Wed May 22 2024

Amitheasshole wasn't interested, probably because it is boring:

I took the advice of a couple people in the original thread and I talked to my wife about (1) what happened while her mom was there and (2) how we would manage similar situations going forward. I think the commenters were mostly right, and that my MIL was using what i said as a cudgel to get "the upper hand" (I don't know how else to put that) in conversations.

We talked it out and agreed that we would let it go, but if she brought it up again, or if she tried something similar again, we would present a united front and we would refuse to engage with her, I guess, "attention-seeking" behavior? Again I find this all weird and don't know how to really talk about it or phrase it.

Well, you can probably guess what happened.

She was on the phone with her mom just catching up and her mom brought up me being "gross" again. I wasn't on the call or anything but I could hear her in the other room. For context, Tara finds it very hard to set boundaries with her mom because her mom will just not let some stuff go. She will just keep bringing it up and talking about how bad she felt, or WHY would she do X or Y, etc etc.

Honestly I am so proud of her for what she did: she hung the fuck up! She said "mom we're not gonna talk about that anymore" and then "mom, we're moving on" and then I just hear her phone get set down on the bedside table. I walked in to check and she had this great little "defiant" face on, like she was proud of herself too.

I hope that the little rush she got from saying no to her mom is encouraging to her going forward! Thanks to the commenters and thanks to the person who DMed me the TikTok about my post lol

 

I am NOT OOP. OOP is

Originally posted to + +

I just found out that my husband of 10 years has never loved me

Previous posted by + posted by

Trigger Warnings: possible financial abuse, property damage, abuse, emotional abuse, hostile workplace, exploitation, physical violence, major medical issues

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: May 3, 2022

My whole world is crashing right now. I never thought that this could happen to me. I am deeply in love with my husband and I thought he loved me too.

My husband Sam and I met after college at a book club. We fell in love and married a year later right out of college. I honestly though that my life was a dream come true. He was kind and silly and he made me feel loved.

I found out last week that my husband never loved me. I overheard Sam talking to his friend on FT when he thought I couldn't hear. His friend was congratulating Sam on bagging me, because "I'm loaded". That's not true. Though I make a decent living and my parents recently had some success in their business abroad, I don't make nearly enough to be considered wealthy, perhaps upper middle class at best. It's not like I can quit my job tomorrow and be set for life. I'm a financial analyst and make $300K working 70 hours a week. Sam is a customer service advisor for a bank and makes $50K working 35 hours a week.

Edit: Yes, I was in investment banking out of college. Sam has had this job for 4 months. He has a spotty work history due to not getting along with his bosses.

Sam then said that all his planning paid off and he'd live the easy life. His friend added that he couldn't imagine being married to me, waking up to my face. I've never been very attractive, I'm very skinny and have a thin face and a wide nose, but Sam made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Sam just laughed and said "it's easy when you have the mindset." I pretended I didn't hear and went back upstairs and just lied in bed.

I've been sleeping on the couch with the excuse of working late and not disturbing him. Every time, I've woken up in our bed with him cuddling me. I don't feel loved. I feel used. I don't know what to do.

Comments

OOP on if she had a prenup with her husband

We don't have a prenup. I regret it.

OOP on why their earnings are not enough to live comfortable in their area

I know it's far more than most Americans, but it's not enough for someone to lie for 10 years about. He could have found anyone else.

It's definitely not enough to be truly wealthy, just comfortable. If he wanted to bag someone could he have not found someone else? He didn't have to lie to me and say he loved me . It is comfortable. Just not wealthy. When I think of wealthy, I think of people who don't have to work for a living.

I have serious medical conditions that cost a lot of money, partially exacerbated by my work life. I used to work 80-100 hour weeks. Plus, I had been paying off my husband's student loans of $80,000 as well as our mortgage. I do not have student loans because I (thankfully) earned a scholarship.

I grew up in poverty on food stamps and I'm terrified of going back to that life.

Edit: and his credit card debt

OOP responded to multiple redditors telling her to divorce her husband as he was using her

I have honestly resigned myself to a life alone if I do divorce my husband. No one has expressed any interest in me. The only time I was asked out was as a joke.

I had a friend in college who shared my interests and my hobbies and was fun. I was in love with him. I was short and very skinny and he was my height and quite chunky and we had a in group nickname based on that. When our friends would say we looked like a couple he would make gagging noises and say it's disgusting but in a joking way. when I got the courage to ask him out, he laughed himself sick.

Edit: I am unattractive and have serious health conditions. I am statistically unlikely to find another husband. It's alright. I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't love me.

OOP on how she got a job at 19 and earning so much

I graduated at 19 and had a very well paying job. To the tune of 6 figures. I grew up in poverty on food stamps so this was a dream for me. My parents only very recently had success with their business back in their home country. We are immigrants.

Sam was kind of broke because of bad financial habits. he had been financially cut off from his parents who were middle class. He had $80000 of student loans (I've paid off over half) and $20,000 of credit card debt (which I've also paid off)

OOP on an example when she overheard her husband’s conversation with his friend

Sam and his friend were talking about an upcoming trip to Prague we were going to book. I was paying for it. That was what sparked the whole conversation on "bagging a free ride"

He laughed when his friend said those hurtful, but accurate things about my appearance. His friend made more comments on how Sam could stand to wake up to me.

I was also hurt because his friend had always been very nice to me before.

It would have been nice if Sam said he stayed with me for something other than my salary. For him, I'm apparently an easy grift. . You're probably right. My husband insists that the conversation never happened, he never said anything, and that I was hallucinating due to stress.

I felt hurt because I thought the friend was a nice person. He had been quite kind and welcoming before. Though I am not attractive, there was no need to insult me like that if I heard correctly.

They were talking about our upcoming trip to Czechia in 2023 which I am paying for. That was how the conversation started.

 

: May 6, 2022

Last night I came home late and my husband was waiting for me. He had been blowing up my phone for the entire day, spamming me with accusing, but not untrue messages. The conversation did not go well...He accused me of avoiding him, which was true. I just couldn't look at him. I used work as an excuse. He said I was withholding affection from him. He also accused me of being unfaithful to him, which was never true. I have a new coworker who just started approximately two weeks ago and Sam was convinced I was having an affair with them. I told him I didn't even know that coworker. How could I have an affair?

I finally told him about what I overheard and how hurt I was. His response was to deny ever having that conversation and deny ever saying anything. He told me I probably misheard something or hallucinated due to stress.

I received several very helpful messages about a post my husband might have made. Though some of the details don't match up, most of it do (our salaries, the time we've been married, the couch thing) and I asked him if he wrote the reddit post. He told me he doesn't do reddit but didn't outright deny making the post and asked me what I was doing on my phone all day for the past few days, which was reading all your messages on this throwaway. I told him that and he looked incredibly upset.

I told him that what he did really hurt me and he still insisted it never happened. I asked him if he ever loved me and he said "Don't be stupid, of course I do. You're the one cheating on me." I told him I never cheated on him. It felt like the conversation was going in circles.

I brought up the possibility of a postnup, and he scoffed and said he didn't want to divorce. If I tried to divorce him, he had a right to a lot of alimony. That part is true. Our state has strong alimony rights for spouses with salary differences. He only had his job for a few months and it's the highest paying one he has had. He said "Who's going to take care of you when you're sick if you try to divorce me?"

I asked him if he ever lied to me or hid things from me and eventually he admitted that the way we met wasn't an accident. He knew who I was and that I would be there and pretended to stumble into me as an excuse to make conversation. I demanded counseling as a first step and to my surprise he agreed.

At that point, I was getting a splitting headache- not a migraine, which I also get often. I went to bed and he gave me a glass of water and medicine and we just didn't bring it up. I took today off work because I feel burnt out. I don't feel like anything is resolved. Now I doubt myself and everything I heard. If I truly didn't hear that, then I blew up my marriage for nothing. If he did say that and he's capable of lying for 10 years, then why would I stay with him? At least we're getting marriage counseling (and therapy for myself).

Excuse me for the numerous typos and grammatical errors. I'm exhausted.

 

: May 27, 2022

Background info: I overheard a conversation in which my husband essentially told his friend the reason he was with me was because I was his piggy bank- I make a lot more than he does and I do most of the chores. Sam also basically admitted he wasn't attracted to me. I tried to talk to him based on the info I had and the suspicion that he had also made a Reddit post though he doesn't use Reddit. Sam shut me down and told me the conversation with his friend never happened.

I've been waffling between writing this post and not, since I think my husband has been reading my posts. I've already deleted it twice. But he thinks Reddit is a waste of time and the outpouring of emotional support I get here outweighs him reading the thread.

We've had a few short, but devastating conversations since then. Based on Reddit advice, I tried to get evidence that he was with me for my money. After my husband reluctantly admitted that we didn't meet on accident, I pushed and found out the reason he pursued me is that I'm "stable" and I would "do everything for him" and "never leave him." His birth mother left when he was young, leaving his family very poor until his grandfather died. I feel sorry for him and understand why he did this, but there's a small, selfish part of me that wonders why he chose me for this life. I thought I recorded him but nothing shows up in my phone. It doesn't matter since we are an all party consent state.

Sometimes I wonder if I was blind. Sam is far more attractive than me (though my own preference tends to lie in the "unconventional"). I should have realized he is not attracted to me and that it was one sided love. I am not beautiful compared to other women and when I try to wear makeup or fashionable clothes, I can tell he is not impressed. I thought it was because he liked me better natural. My mother used to say a pig wearing makeup is uglier than a pig. I understand that now.

That's partially the reason why I could not stand pretending everything was alright. My love language is touch. I constantly liked to hug him or hold his hand or stroke his back or pet his hair. Knowing that he only tolerates my touch horrifies me. I don't want to be the source of someone's discomfort. I am also ashamed of being so vulnerable, knowing that he hates who I am and the way I look, knowing that he has seen me in my most vulnerable moments. I don't want to be a burden. After one night where I locked myself in the bathroom and slept in the bathtub, he hasn't been moving me from the couch. I think the reason he moved me is to pretend our life hadn't changed rather than any real concern for me. That's why he complained about me withholding affection.

I went back to work and continued the routine I had done for a few weeks, working as much as possible until I had to go home. I cried a lot at work.

I passed out at work one day and when I woke up my boss told me to go home. He was angry. I tried to drive home, but I still felt woozy so I parked in a car and fell asleep. I was awoken by a police officer who gave me a warning for sleeping in a car. Apparently, that's a red flag for DUIs. I drove home and Sam was furious. He somehow had known that I was sent home early. He demanded to know who I was with. I told him the truth.

Sam has been sweet to me since. He hasn't taken off work and he only does about an hour of real work a day, which strangely makes me envious of my own husband. Sam has been making sure I rest, making all our meals, and doing the chores. My work has demanded that I take off at least two more weeks of sick leave since my episode at the office. However, they are also simultaneously making me do work, and implied that my performance bonus will be impacted by my "stunt"

If I divorce my husband, the consequences will be beyond me losing the love of my life. My parents will cut me off from our family. They will not let me see my grandparents ever, who are in very delicate health. My grandparents raised me as a child when I was sent back to live with them in our home country. My family would not be surprised if Sam divorces me. My parents even told me at our wedding that he will leave me and that I should have married the man they arranged, who wanted me for my citizenship. I will not have any support.

In a feverish state, I once offered to give him all of my savings and pay alimony for life if he filed for divorce and he told me to shut up and sleep. I don't know what conditions I can set for the divorce. I'm losing my husband, I'm losing my grandparents, maybe even my job. What do I do?

Comments

OOP on her grandparents’ views on divorce

My grandparents were in an arranged marriage. Divorce is stigmatized and they are not very open to the idea at all. They do want what's best for me, but what they think is best is, at best, 30 years behind the times. I am eternally grateful that they took care of me and loved me, and I would be devastated if my parents cut me off from them.

OOP on the possibility of hallucinating her husband’s comments towards her

I did not hallucinate anything or have a psychotic break.

Initially my husband denied everything, included the phone call. The first thing he admitted that we didn't meet on accident. He had known who I was somehow and had pursued me. Then, he admitted that he wasn't attracted to me. He also admitted that the reason he pursued me and the reason he is still married to me is that I'm "stable" and I would "do everything for him" and "never leave him."

 

: May 29, 2022

Before marriage counseling, I found out husband hid that he had Borderline Personality Disorder

My husband Sam and I agreed to marriage counseling to see if we could save our marriage. This is an out of pocket expense. Before we could go to our first session, we had to fill out several forms and questionnaires. One question asked about any diagnoses we had. My husband revealed that he had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder two years ago. I knew he went to a psychiatrist/neuropsychologist but he just said they found nothing and there was nothing wrong with him.

I was shocked because he never told me. When I asked why he would hide this from me, he said that it was his medical history and I couldn’t leave him for something not under his control. Sam is not in therapy. Obviously, I would have supported him and gotten the help he needed.

Ever since this came out, Sam has been saying that if I divorce him, I’m abandoning him and that it would be proof I never loved him or care about him. That’s not true. I do love him. That’s why I’m doing this. If I divorce him and pay alimony, he’ll find someone he’s actually in love with. We’d both be happy.

Sam has not given me a moment of space but to be fair, I had a high fever a few days ago. Sam said he wants life to go back to normal “before all this happened and we were happy” but I don’t understand why he would want to continue to live a lie. I’m offering him a way out and he refuses. Is it because of his diagnoses?

How do we move forward from this? Is marriage counseling even worth it? Am I making a mistake?

Comments

OOP on her husband’s family background, if he came from a poor family

Thank you for your helpful response. Your friends should not have treated you like this. I think I feel hurt because my husband didn’t trust me with this information though we have been married for a decade. I would never have abandoned him and would have encouraged him to get DBT therapy or anything else that would help.

His birth mother left him as a child, leaving his family destitute until an inheritance from his grandfather. I think that is why he married me, because I represented stability-both financially and in our home life. Not love.

I do love him and I do care about him deeply but how can I tell him that I will always be there for him when we are heading for divorce? I would be lying to him. I will not be in his life.

We both deserve to be with someone we love. I’m not going to chain him to marriage because of his fear of financial instability. I’m not my father. I will pay alimony. His life will be the exact same-maybe even more money for a cleaner and meal prep- just with the ability to find someone he loves.

It’s hard to talk about marriage counseling and the possibility of divorce without him breaking down. I can’t bear to see him cry.

 

- June 1, 2022

I bought a glass jar of homemade fruit preserve at a farmer’s market. The seller, Mary (60s F) was a nice older lady that I’ve bought from before. Because we know each other, she gives me a discount if I bring back the empty jar since she saves money. She gave me a fancier glass jar than usual today because she ran out of the regular ones. I can’t return the jar. I found an identical jar at Target and I plan to give her that. The reason I don’t want to tell her is that she’s very kind but inquisitive and she’ll ask why I didn’t bring the original back, and she’ll say that I didn’t have to replace it, etc. I don’t want her to worry.

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Comments

OOP on why she could not return the jar to the seller

It was destroyed. My husband threw it and it shattered. There’s no way to put it back.

He’s a fan of fruit preserves so I got a new flavor I thought he would like to try. He was upset that I got him a gift so he threw it on the ground. He was apologetic but there’s no way to put it back together.

We have been going through a very rough patch. Apparently the gift was a reminder that no one will love him like I do. That was not my intention. I just thought he would like it.

I can’t honestly say it was an accident since my husband threw it on the ground on purpose.

 

: June 7, 2022

I had my first therapy session ever on Saturday (a weekend online therapist who is licensed). When she asked what issues I wanted to resolve, one problem I told her was that I felt like I didn't deserve anything in life. My therapist said that it wasn't an issue, but a blessing since I can practice gratefulness. I am grateful for the smallest things, but intellectually I feel as though I should not be grateful for them. I feel like a doormat in my personal and professional life.

My work demands extremely long work hours. I remember the worst week I ever had in my career was 104 hours of work. I'm exhausted, but my boss relies on me and me only even though there are other members of the team. He says I'm his biggest asset, and I am grateful for being recognized. Yet, others have gotten promotions off the team and into more relaxed roles. I have not. I've worked here for years, and I've only taken 11 days off for vacation the entire time, not because I want to work, but because I'm "needed"

I had invasive wisdom teeth surgery on Thursday, and I got both an infection and dry socket over the weekend. We had a deal going through and and I went to work yesterday in pain with a fever because my boss demanded that I be there. I worked until 12:17am and didn't eat anything since I was in so much pain.

I was supposed to uber back to my hotel (my husband and I are discussing divorce) but I pressed the wrong destination and went back to our house instead. I feel asleep in our front yard, where my husband found me. Luckily nothing happened to me, since I live in a relatively safe area. My husband is thrilled I came home. He pleaded with me to cancel the rest of the hotel stay and I caved in. I feel selfish for divorcing him and I feel selfish for staying. I don't want to be like my father, using money to force someone to stay with them.

I got my dry sockets treated. I need someone to help me irrigate the holes since doing it myself caused the infection but I don't know who to ask. No friends or family live nearby. I just haven't been eating because I don't want to get another infection.

Looking at this post, I feel so much self loathing. It's filled with aggrandizing self pity. The price of my job is the loss of a personal life. Many people would be happy to be in my position, making as much money as I do. Many people would be thrilled to live my life, and have a home to come to and food in their stomachs. There's no reason for me to be unhappy yet I am. And I know I should feel entitled to some things, but if my therapist says not being expectant is a good thing, then what is my problem? What is wrong with me?

Comments

OOP on why she thinks she doesn’t deserve anything

What I told my therapist was: "I struggle to believe that I deserve anything. Though I feel that people in general are entitled to things like love or happiness or rest, I feel like I do not. For some reason, I feel that other people's needs are more important than my own. I'd like to gain these skills." I wrote it out. I later mentioned how I wanted to take a health day, but my coworker wanted to take the day off, so I didn't, because I felt that he deserved the day off. I wished I had the self confidence to still ask for the day, instead of thinking of my team's needs. I'm not sure if it's an issue of gratefulness or deserving or just self esteem.

My therapist said it was good that I feel like I deserve nothing, because I can practice gratefulness and that it was a blessing not to be entitled.

 

: July 17, 2022

My husband Sam and I have access to each others phones, computers, emails, etc. Normally, I don’t read my husband’s things, though I know he sometimes checks my messages and the like.

Today, he left his laptop open to his messages and I saw my name in a message alert from his friend who does not like me. I read more of the chat.

A few days ago Sam was arguing with his father over the phone. He was angrier than usual and gesticulating. I went to get something and when I was behind him, his fist accidentally hit my jaw. He apologized immediately and it was fine. I’ve had a couple of minor surgeries unrelated to this incident, so I don’t look great. I can see why someone would be concerned. My new friends and my therapist were very concerned too when they saw me but when I explained, they understood.

Sam’s friend saw me yesterday for a minute. In the chat, he asked Sam why I had a “messed up face” and Sam said it was fine and not interfere in our marriage. The friend was telling Sam that he should leave me and it was all right if we divorced because there were a lot of women who wanted him. The last message said “u can’t hit ur wife bc she wants a divorce. ust take the check and go.” Throughout the entire conversation Sam never told his friend it was an accident. He just said that I was his wife and it was not his friend’s business.

I feel awful for violating his privacy, and I will tell him, but I’m also confused why he would say this and not clarify the accident.

Additional Information from OOP on why she was not divorced yet

I don’t know. I’m just deeply exhausted by it all. Separating, disentangling finances, surgeries, regressions, breaking from my job, stress. It was all overwhelming. My wonderful therapist has told me to break down my problems into simple steps and if I’m too exhausted to act, to just let it be for now and gather up my strength for the next thing.

I just had an abdominal hysterectomy and right now recovery is my next hurdle. I’m in pain but I’m hopeful.

My husband has been doing everything around the house. I can’t lift most things and it hurts to be too active. He works. He cleans. He has learned to cook some surprisingly complex meals that I like. He irrigates my sockets because they haven’t fully healed and I can’t see properly. That was how I got an infection. He helps me shower.

While he does things like this, it makes me feel guilty for wanting to divorce him. It makes me think he blames himself for accidents like in the post. That he does love me. But then I remember the fact that he doesn’t have any photos of me on his phone and that he admitted he didn’t love me at first and other silly things and I just wonder why we can’t live apart happily.

OOP on Sam’s friend mentioned in the post is the same person who was on FT

Yes, it is the same friend. My husband has a circle of childhood friends. I know a few dislike me. One of them has told me that she wished my husband had married a mutual friend of theirs instead of me. I do feel like an intruder in their friendship circle.

I’m happy to say that, now that I’m on leave from work and unlikely to return, my coworkers have grown into close friends. It makes me kind of sad that I chose to work from home a lot, missing out on the closeness they have demonstrated.

We did start marriage counseling. Our marriage counselor is wonderful, as is my therapist. My husband has started DBT therapy but he hates it. Our counselor says one of our root problems is the way we define ourselves. I see myself for what I can provide people- I am a hard worker, I am efficient, I cook, I clean, I can do this or that- rather than what I am intrinsically. My husband defines himself on what he loves and hates, his interests and disinterests.

 

: August 2, 2022

Last weekend, my (32F) husband Sam (32M) and a few of his friends and spouses arranged to go to an amusement park. I am not a huge fan of loud, hot, crowded places. I find it overwhelming. Moreover, I could not go on the thrill rides as I recently had surgery and have very high blood pressure. Sam convinced me to go to connect with his friends.

When we came, their itinerary was a tight schedule of all thrill rides. The first ride was a rollercoaster. I was in line as a placeholder for a person. One friend, Jake, collected everyone’s phones and put it in his bag. I tried to tell him that I couldn’t go on the ride, but it seems I was unclear. I didn’t want to make a fuss for this one ride so I gave him my phone. When the person returned, I got out of line and waited at one of the two exits as they would meet me there.

After waiting for 40min, I realized they must have gone to the other exit and left without me. I checked the other nearby rides but I couldn’t find them. I went to a first aid station, and I called my phone and then my husband but he didn’t pick up.

At first I tried to stay in the area, but it was high traffic, loud, and very hot. I still had my pass and cash with me. I found a quieter, shaded area, bought lunch, met a very nice elderly couple who showed me a few spots, won a plushie and a blanket from a vending machine, and had dinner. I had fun.

There was an announcement that the park would close in half an hour. I decided I would go to our parked car to wait for the group. 30min later, one of Sam’s friends, Nancy, found me next to the car and dragged me to the others. They were furious because they had been frantically looking for me for the last half an hour.

Update: There is not much of an update. Sam and I talked it out at home and in marriage counseling and came to a sort of understanding. I feel I was less than charitable to him, likely because I felt hurt that he left me.

This is how the day went.

Jake gathered everyone’s loose items including phones, wallets, hats, etc. in his bag and put it in a locker. I made a mistake and put my phone in his bag since I didn’t want to hold them up. A bit later, I crossed over to the exit line, walked down, and waited at the exit. They were supposed to meet me there.

My husband’s group got split. Sam rode in the second half and heard from his friend that the first group didn’t want to do another thrill ride. They slipped back to the entrance with the lockers instead of going to the exit. When I wasn’t at the lockers he thought I left with the first group without waiting for him.

He was hurt and decided not to contact me until I contacted him. He thought if I loved him, I would contact him.

Meanwhile, I was waiting at the exit. I realized that Sam had already left when I saw the same people exit twice, meaning they rode the coaster, waited in line again, and rode the again. This was approx 40 minutes after the 25 wait time the line stated.

I went to the first aid station and called him. I made a mistake. I forgot he doesn’t respond/call back unknown numbers because of scams.

Sam’s friends got back together and split throughout the day. He was upset when I wasn’t with any group because he thought I left them too and I hadn’t tried to contact him.

When the park announced the closing, he was worried. He and his friends called my phone. They dug through Jake’s backpack and saw that my phone was there and it was dead. Sam found out no one had seen me since the first ride. He called back the unknown number and it was the first aid station who confirmed I was there.

Our marriage counselor said I was passive and lacked boundaries. I should have said no to the entire idea. I agree with her. I’m working on me with my therapist.

She said that Sam was so willing to believe I left him and his desire to test if I still loved him that he left me in a dangerous situation. His therapist said he defines himself by the love I give him, which is unhealthy.

Sam apologized the entire time. He feels guilty. He mopes around the house. I gave him the plushie I won and it only made him happy for a few minutes. I think I made it worse. He constantly checks my hand to see if I’m still wearing my rings.

Verdict: Not the Asshole

OOP responds on several questions regarding waiting for her husband and his friends

Giving up my phone was my fault, I agree. Jake told me to put my phone in his bag, I told him I wasn’t going on this ride, but I don’t think I made it clear to him. He told me to put my phone in again and there were others with their phones out waiting to put theirs in, so I put mine in to not create a fuss. I thought that since we agreed to meet up at the exit, it would be fine if I didn’t have my phone. Unfortunately, my phone was on mute as well. I should have not done so . We arrived there in the morning. There are a long lines for the most anticipated thrill rides.

I only had an abdominal hysterectomy so while I can’t lift heavy things or walk a lot, I’m mostly fine.

Edit: the surgery was almost two weeks ago . I can’t blame my husband too much. He was excited to be with his friends. Almost always, I’m not there when he is with them so I can see how he genuinely forgot I was there at the start.

This was supposed to be a way for me to bond with his friends, since his therapist says he puts barriers between certain aspects of his life, but it fell by the wayside since I can’t actually go on most of the rides they planned.

They were searching in the park for me. I suppose they could have made an announcement. When my husband called the number I used back, it was the general first aid center in the park, which apparently made them think I could have been sick. . They just genuinely forgot I was there. It was a large group that frequently hang out together and I don’t go on these sorts of outings so it makes sense. . Yes, I feel bad because they did seem worried and angry. 30 minutes is a long time to be looking for someone in a big park. They didn’t sign up to form a search and rescue, just have fun in the park.

My husband was having fun with his friends. He tracks my phone location so I assume he wasn’t concerned until they realized that I didn’t have my phone and there was no way to track me down.

 

- September 27, 2022

I had an abdominal hysterectomy. Due to poor personal choices, my wound opened back up and plus I got a horrible infection. I had to get another surgery 2.5 weeks after my initial one to fix the damage I caused. It’s been several weeks but I’m still in a lot of pain.

Comments

OOP on if she has finally divorced her husband and having her family taking care of her

I am alright. I got a postnup. My grandmother got very sick so I went back alone to my home country. An unofficial separation. She didn’t make it. I still feel like my heart has been ripped out. I was in both physical and emotional pain. My husband had a severe breakdown and was hospitalized because I wasn’t there. His family and friends begged me to come back so I did. I couldn’t go back to work. I stay at home. he takes care of me.

 

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Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old.

Trigger Warning: Suspected (but false accusation of) domestic violence, mention of BDSM

May 21, 2024

I(43M) have been married to my wife (45F) for 15 years now. We have 3 kids (9F, 6F and 2M).

My wife and I are kinky, we are mainly into bondage and some mild impact play (relevant).

Since we had kids, we had to cut back on our “play time”. Maintaining a vanilla sex life is already challenging with 3 kids, let alone carving the kid of alone time needed to safely engage in BDSM.

About a month ago, we asked my sister (48F) to take the kids for a weekend so we can have some alone time. She agreed to take pick them up from our house Friday evening, and drop them off Sunday night.

Saturday evening, while we were engaging in some bondage and impact play, my sister starts blowing my phone. By the time I was able to answer (I had to take care of my wife’s safety first), my sister is knocking our door down.

We were frantic, and didn’t do a good enough job at hiding the rope marks on my wife’s wrists. My sister says that her daughter is in the hospital (just a simple sprain while playing soccer) and she needs to go. And, we didn’t notice, but she clocked my wife’s “bruises”.

The next day, she arranges some alone time with my wife, and tells her if I’m abusing her, then she will support her to report me and leave me. My wife was embarrassed, but she explained the whole thing to my sister. Then she told me what happened.

I talked with my sister, and also explained the situation, even if it was very mortifying. She seemed to accept our explanation.

Fast forward two weeks, and we get the cops and a CPS agent at our front door. Apparently there was an anonymous complaint that I was physically abusing my wife and kids.

I was treated like a criminal, the kids were questioned separately, as was my wife. I didn’t even think about my sister, but my wife did. She took everyone to our bedroom, showed them our toys, and even offered to show them some homemade movies if it was going to convince them. Thankfully they believed her and then left.

My wife again called my sister, who admitted to calling the cops multiple times, but when they did nothing, she called CPS and hoped that they will investigate.

My wife again showed her our toys, went into explicit details I never wanted anyone to know about our intimate life, and finally my sister was convinced. She said that she was sorry, but she was only doing what she thought what was right.

But I was deeply hurt that she thought that I was capable of doing what she accused me of, that she could have cost me my kids, my freedom and my job. So I told her that I am not ready to forgive her.

She says that I am the AH, that it was a logical conclusion, and that I should be happy that she is willing to go this far to protect my wife and kids. So AITA?

AITAH does not have a consensus bot, but the vast majority of comments were NTA

Commenter:

It was the logical conclusion before you let her know what was going on. It was not the logical conclusion after that. Especially as there was no evidence anything was being done to the children. That part especially is fabricated.

NTA

Commenter:

That's your sister? Man....that's tough. I wouldn't forgive her either. This could have been much much worse for you. Guaranteed she doesn't realize that at all.

Commenter:

NTA, tell her so are you by limiting contact with a danger aka her to your family because that is what she is. You explained everything and yet she didn't believe you. What will happen next time she doesn't believe you or your wife and think she knows best?

She admitted to calling multiple times and when that didn't work, she called cps meaning she has no problem escalating things on nothing but a hunch of what she thinks happens even when you and your wife told her she was wrong.

Yes, you should be so thankful your sister doesn't listen to your explanation and is ready to ruin your life all on what she thinks happened. /s (if it wasn't obvious)

Edit: Forgot to put the sarcasm symbol

Commenter:

NTA

Anyone who thinks I'm a dangerous criminal is no longer welcome in my life. Anyone who calls CPS to have my kids removed from my home is no longer welcome in my life. Frankly, I would feel unsafe with my kids around someone who so easily believes I could be abusive. Who knows what else they'll talk themselves into?

Your sister sat your wife down, talked to her, and still called CPS. She's not someone I'd ever trust around your kids ever again. She's going to keep going until she's "proven right."

Another Commenter replies:

I’m wondering if the calls was more about the sister not liking their alternative lifestyle and not at all about the families safety.

But sister had crossed a line and would never enter my home again and would be banished from my life as well.

A Third Commenter chimes in:

It’s not uncommon for people to conflate the two. “If you enjoy giving pain to your spouse, then you must enjoy giving it to your kids” or “if you like to role play that, then that must mean you actually want that” which in both cases is just so far off base it can make me nauseous.

May 29, 2024

So, I read almost all of the comments, but I was too emotionally exhausted to answer. Sorry about that.

Some things happened since then:

First of all, I took your advice, and went NC with my sister and her family. I tried to go NC just with her, but she would use her husband and kids to try and get in contact with me and my wife. We also had her name taken off the school/daycare pickup list, in case she tries anything there.

Second of all, I also took your advice, consulted with a lawyer that I ended up hiring. His advice to me was to document everything. He requested a copy of both the police and CPS reports, as well as all the texts she sent me and my wife.

And lastly, he filed for an order of protection, he said that there is a small chance that it will be granted, because while she is harassing us, she is not threatening or anything. But it will be good to have it on record, in the case of any future altercations.

We are also installing security cameras outside and inside the house, as just an in case measure.

Thankfully the kids did not understand exactly what happened, my eldest even thinks that it’s cool that she met a “pretty policewoman”, so at least no therapy for the kids.

Thank you everyone, for all your advice.

Commenter:

She attempted to nuke your life. And put your kids in the system.

A good 10 year timeout is in order.

Commenter:

Regarding the school/daycare pickup lists, I recommend that you emphasize IN PERSON to the admins and teachers that your sister is no longer permitted near your children and may not pick them up under any circumstances. There’s always that one teacher that doesn’t get the message and just goes along.

Commenter:

It's always unfortunate when people can't just mind their own business, when I was in high school some dumb girl started telling everyone I beat my girlfriend because she had a black eye.

That she got in her shotokan karate class she had been in since middle school. That she had been very proud and upfront of having a blue belt in. Although skill wise she was probably more closer to purple/brown she was just anxious about testing.

Neither of us even knew this girl, she just outright started spouting off bullshit. I never even did shake it, that kind of shit can follow somebody around for years. I'm glad I moved out of that state and don't have to deal with any of those people.

Commenter:

I would definitely look into pursuing any legal complaints you can make against her. She basically admitted because the cops wouldn't do anything she lied to CPS about you beating the kids so that someone would investigate. Even if you want to say that she didn't do anything legally wrong for reporting the bruises to the cops to investigate there was no mention of bruises on the kids or of the kids mention anything about getting hit so it's crazy of her to make up stuff and still think she's in the right.

Commenter:

And lastly, he filed for an order of protection, he said that there is a small chance that it will be granted, because while she is harassing us, she is not threatening or anything. But it will be good to have it on record, in the case of any future altercations.

This is how I know this is a real post. They don't give those out unless there is a threat of violence. It is a really high bar. I would be shocked if you got it.

Editor's Note: I'm marking this as concluded. While I wouldn't be shocked if OOP's sister didn't try to escalate things, the initial cause for the post is pretty much resolved.

Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See rule 7.

I am not The OOP, OOP is

WIBTA for calling off a wedding because my fiancé is extremely frugal?

Originally posted to and OOP's own page

Posted by

  Posted by

TRIGGER WARNING: emotional abuse, trauma, financial struggles, neglect, psychological manipulation

MOOD SPOILERS: sad - but generally positive overall

  June 06, 2023

I 31F struggle with my fiancé’s 32M frugalness and not sure if I want to marry him anymore after 3 year relationship.

Throwaway as my Fiancé follows my regular account.

I met my Fiancé 3 years ago. He came out of an abusive marriage just 2 years before we met. One of her absolute abuses was financial. She bled him dry. Made him buy expensive jewelry only to give it away or break it after an argument. Designer shoes, clothes, big house cars… Caribbean trips. you name it she made him pay for it. She also took him to the cleaners in the divorce.

However. My Fiancé is very well off. He makes far over 6 figures almost 7. On top of that he inherited a few millions from his grandfather and his parents gifted him and his siblings also a few cool millions.

So yes the financial abuse was bad but he does not suffer financially. He has more money than he will ever need.

So last year I moved into his house. I do not pay rent but I split the bills and buy food. I pay for my own clothes and jewelry. I have a good job and I can take care of myself. However things have been taking a turn for the worse and I feel miserable.

His house was empty when I moved in. He had hand me down furniture. Maybe 3 forks and 2 knives. He wouldn’t put on the heating so the house felt cold and moldy. He has no curtains, no decorations. His ex took everything not bolted down and he was too cheap to replace it. Just imagine a million dollar house like that!

I am grateful that I can live in his house. It is something I could never afford myself. But I didn’t want to live in squalor! So I bought some kitchen supplies, some furniture… but at some point I realized I was dipping in my savings all the time and he did nothing. I looked into curtains but those things are expensive. His house has so many windows it is crazy. I didn’t want to pay for this anymore.

I told him I needed a fund to furnish his house. He blew up at me that I was just with him for his money. I pointed out all the money I spend on his house. The gifts and the trips because he pays for nothing ever. Because he wants to be sure I am not here for the money. The fact is, if we break up I have nothing… the house is not mine. If I spend all my savings on his house I will be left with absolutely nothing! He wants a prenup and I am fine with that but I can’t help but feel used.

Next to that I am jealous of his ex wife. I feel like she got treated and I am neglected. He proposed to his ex on a cruise with a 10.000 dollar white gold diamond ring. I got the rhodium plated Swarovski stuff that might cost like 100 bucks. The proposal was at a picnic in the park I organized, payed groceries for and slaved in the kitchen for. I almost said no out of pure disappointment . However I am afraid to bring it up and to be called a golddigger. I don’t want to be funding a millionaire’s lifestyle. He loves everything as long as I pay for it. As soon as he has to pay it is frivolous, unnecessary….

I can live like a poor person by myself. At least the fact there are literal millions lying around doesn’t hang over me to bum me out.and I would just be paying for my own lifestyle.

WIBTA for calling of a wedding purely for financial reasons. Because I love this man, but I imagine our cheap wedding in contrast to his ex her extravaganza, will our future kids be able to have some luxuries? Or only if I pay for it? What if I ever become a stay at home mom? Will I have to beg to put the heating on?

Edited to answer questions I see a lot: I know the abuse is not made up. His family and friends told me seperate stories of the abuse they witnessed. Not only did it confirm it, it showed me she was way more terrible than I thought. Like stealing heirloom jewelry of his grandma with alzheimer right after she was widowed. Pretending she was gifted these things even though every one knew grandma hated her guts.

I did not realize or see he is doing the same to me as she was to him and he is (subconsciously) punishing me for what was done to him.

I am not trying to force a lifestyle in him where he was previously happy in. He told me prior to moving in that he left his house like this because he was depressed after his wife took everything ( even the curtains) that it makes him sad and he wants a cozy home. He just didn’t know where to start.

His house is paid off, thanks to grand dad. He isn’t actually spending much on utilities either, house is very well isolated and has solar panels. It is weird to see how cheap being rich really is.

I am not asking for designer furniture. Ikea all the way and I have refurbished second hand furniture myself. I am actually pretty thrifty .

I see where my jealousy over the ex her lifestyle might have triggered some people. Let me explain. A 10.000 dollar ring is insane and stupid to me. I do not want that because I would fear for losing it every day. I don’t need an over the top wedding … however, it almost feels like for her he did effort. Wanted to give her what made her happy. Put effort and thought in it. With me it almost feels like he wants to prove how little he can give me.

He talked about how he would see the wedding and it is cheaper than my actually financially struggling cousin her wedding. I can’t help but feel he wants to demonstrate how cheap he can treat me! And I already feel embarrassed about the family that would have been to both and I will feel like the discount wife. I don’t like to say it but it feels like he gets of on it to some extend. We are almost talking washing paper plates at this moment.

Yes I did discuss selling the mansion I really don’t need and move to a more modest house. Especially knowing this is the house his ex picked. He doesn’t want to do that. He loves this house… but I feel really intimidated living in a house I could never afford anyway. And so many large windows… tjeesh

I havn’t talked to him yet but pauze on the marriage and counseling is a must . I already am looking for IC because I realized I might indeed be too much of a people pleaser allowing him to control me with the ghost of his ex. I also am going to seperate for a while. I am looking to rent something for a few months so I can get some space.

Thank you all for your insights !

RELEVANT COMMENTS

SeniorDay

NTA. - “I understand you’ve had some trauma in your past and I’m sorry you went through that. But I can’t allow you to mistreat me because of it. It burns me up inside that you gave her everything, but I have to beg for the bare minimum. I deserve to feel cherished by my partner, as I have cherished you.”*

OOP  

Oomph that hit me right in the feels.

~

moth_girl_7

“I am not with you because of the money you have, and if you can’t trust that then that’s something you need to work on. I cannot live without heat, furniture, curtains, and basic decency just to prove to you that I am not a financial abuser like your ex. It feels as if you are projecting that image onto me and that is unfair.” His way of coping is extremely unhealthy. What he should be doing is talking to a therapist about how he can communicate his needs to you, not shutting you out and behaving the complete opposite of how he did with this ex. He should set some healthy boundaries on how he spends his money, sure, but he also needs to acknowledge that you asking for some financial contribution to the house you live in isn’t the same as his ex demanding he take her on a cruise. He needs to find some ways he can feel appreciated when he does spend money on things you benefit from, and he needs to trust that he is in full control of his money, you have no desire to take that from him.*

  June 10, 2023 (4 days later)

Originally posted to *, but was removed by the mods. Preserved on user's account.*

Okay I hope this update makes sense because I am very confused and not really doing that well at the moment.

Well Reddit you changed my life. thank you so much for all your ideas and insights. Honestly I don’t think I would have had the courage to do what I did without you guys. I went to therapy Took the day off just to get my racing mind to calm down.

Therapy has confirmed things you guys suspected. I am a people pleaser, I wanted to “save” him and I have internalized the idea that any effort and every penny I want him to spend on me makes me a gold digger. I will have weekly sessions to work on me. I realized I would have never taken this treatment from any of my exes. Even though I made more then them. The idea I had to proof myself “ worthy “ to be with a millionaire and not be in there for the money got in to my head pretty early.

I called one of his siblings I am pretty close with and just told her everything. She was not surprised but just sad about how unhappy he was making me. She told me that from the day we started he had this idea that “ I was out of his league”. He struggled to understand why I wanted to be with him and he probably just thought : it must be my money. She told me she already talked to him in the past to treat me better. She was furious about the proposal.

This information confused me a little. I was a little hurt she never discussed any of this before but she thought it was none of her business. She also explained how she and her husband organized their finances. He also doesn’t have as much as her.

I took the opportunity to pack a bag. I haven’t n’t found a place yet but I am going to stay with my parents. I made up my mind that I will at least want 6 months apart to get myself in order. I made sure my stuff was in the car because honestly I had no idea how the conversation would go.

so into the most difficult part. The talk. I waited for him to come home. He was pretty late but I didn’t want to sleep another night on this. Pretending I was fine while I was contemplating all this just ate me up.

I had written down what I wanted to say. I have never been so scared before. I didn’t want to hurt him and I didn’t know how he would react. I took some advice from here. I opened that I was moving out and that I wanted to pauze our engagement. He was very quiet and just sat down. I told him he really hurt me by calling me a golddigger and that I am done walking on eggshells and feeling guilty for just wanting basic things. I told him I was unhappy and felt neglected. I also told him that after 3 years of me showing up for him he still doesn’t think I am here for him, it is not going to happen.

He was just quiet. He didn’t say anything. I told him that the constant comparing to his ex was unhealthy and unfair.Punishing me for her sins was abusive. I told him comparing her to me all the time has triggered me comparing myself to her and starting to feel like she was worth more than me. One of the things about her was mostly ungratefulness. He would do nice things for her but it was never enough. The thing is, he doesn’t do nice things for me and I have to be grateful for the pleasure of picking up the bill.

I told him he was not ready for marriage. That I dreaded having kids with him and live like this. That is didn’t trust he would take care of me if I would become a SAHM. And at that point I just called him abusive and a user. I was getting pretty angry saying all this out loud. Losing my composer and script a little bit.

He remained quiet with almost no emotion on his face. I stayed quiet but nothing came out so I decided that I would just leave. Only when I got up to go he said please don’t go. He asked me if I was pausing the wedding or calling it of. He wanted to know if it was over or if he still had a shot.

I told him I wanted out of this house. I honestly don’t want to live in his ex her palace of sadness anymore. I needed him to go to therapy and especially financial therapy. I needed a separation. I told him I was open to couples counseling if he went into IC.

He begged me not to do the separation but honestly I really really wanted it. I just told him to think about it and I left him. He was finally showing some emotions. He was crying at this point.

He sent me a very long text somewhere in the AM. Told me he was a wreck and couldn’t sleep. He made all kinds of promises. He would go into therapy, sell his house, buy a smaller one and make sure I am taken care of whatever happens. He said he would help me decorate and we will make a home. He again asked me to please come “home”. But to me it doesn’t feel like home there anyway.

I feel very empty and tired. I have been sleeping most of the day. I feel guilty but also a little bit relieved if that makes sense.I don’t know if I actually want back if he does all that. Idk I am a little unsteady right now. I need some time to proces.

I will go back for the kitchen supplies and my tv. I won’t take anything else of the furniture. This for the exact same reason I was unwilling to buy everything: his house is huge so the couch is huge … I can’t take it.

   Jul 04 2023 (1 month later)

Hi everybody. Let me just say I am overwhelmed by the number of people really caring about me and asking for updates. Strangers who care about you is a feeling like no other thank you!

So as I said I left. I am looking for an apartment I can afford. My parents are helping out. I am living with them and saving up.

I am not closing all doors but as for now we are broken up. I have no contact. The first week he transferred a large amount to my account. It really rubbed me the wrong way. It just showed me that he still thought that money was what kept me here. I deducted the couch I left and transferred everything else back I asked for no contact after this.

He has been respectful of it and I feel free at the moment. I felt guilty for my needs. For wanting to be taken out every once and a while. The longer I am out the harder I realize it was abuse. I have an autoimmunity problem and the cold house caused it to flare up. Even after that he kept turning the heat down. He rather have me miserable than pay what? 100 dollars extra in the end of the year?

The last thing I heard is that he put the palace of sadness on the market. I have seen the adds so happy he is going through with that. I heard of his sister that he is in therapy. I am happy for that and I hope he keeps that up! He is keeping his promises so far but I need to see real change and even then I really don’t know.

I am building my own life by myself. Thinking about getting a puppy. If I give him another shot. It has to start all from scratch. I want to start dating again and take it slow.

Therapy is really a good idea. I now know I was just bringing this on myself as a people pleaser. Savior… wanting this man to be happy so bad I forgot about myself. Never again.

So that is all there is to say really

RELEVANT COMMENTS

gurlwithdragontat2

Best of luck! Please never forget your worth again, because others will shortchange you if so.*

OOP 

True! I allowed this from day one and let him play his fantasy revenge on me. The red flags were there so early. Loving ourselves is the key to a happy life

~

​ SummerFlip

My question is, did you previously communicate your feelings before just ending it? Did you wait until you stopped loving him?*

OOP  

I did. Multiple times. I had a few break downs where I told him I was unhappy especially when my autoimmunity disease just kicked into high gear I told him I was done being cold. Then the discussions started about what is cold and I had to negotiate a temperature setting he was okay with , he would still turn it down behind my back.    The curtains were just the last straw for me. He was giddy and happy about all other changes I made to his home with my money I thought it would not be so weird to ask him to pitch in right? I had done so much, sacrificed so much and he still blew up at me?    What kind of golddigger pays for everything for 3 years? If I was one I was really bad at it    So yes I communicated, over and over and nothing changed. I am pretty shocked he is actually doing something right now but honestly I think it is a little too late. I don’t want to shut the door completely but I will never ever be cold in my life ever again

   Sep 21 2023 (3 months after OG post)

Thank you for everyone reaching out to me. I have closed in on a little apartment for myself. I got a puppy.

After being in a home where I was truly loved: my parents I realized how sad, cold and alone I had been. Over time I went blind for a lot of things.

Blind to a comfortable home temperature. Comfortable with thinking about every penny spend. Feeling guilty for buying that dress I wanted for so long that was finally on sale. Feeling entitled for wanting date nights… being treated sometimes.

I started to think about what makes me happy. I love to travel, dress up to go to a nice restaurant. Throw dinner parties, entertain people, think about Christmas gifts 6 months in advance. Have a cosy house…. And I realized just how much he had taken from me with that one little sentence: is that really necessary…

Is anything ever? If you have a roof, food, bed and a TV you are there right? Is travel necessary? Is having nice clothes necessary? Is a shower necessary? A haircut? A party? A hobby? A wedding? No!

I know now that abusers are not per definition bad people. He is broken and he has trauma I have no time or energy for. He got free from abuse and decided to become the abuser. I know he is in therapy and we initially agreed on 6 months no to low contact. But I felt I was certain it was not for me anymore and I didn’t want to keep him dangling.

Breaking up with him was very hard. It made me very sad. I never wanted to hurt him and I loved this man very deeply. I wanted us to be each others happy ever after. We both came from dark places and I wanted us to thrive together. His family told me I was the one, I was everything he was looking for and I felt so lucky.

But we only have 1 life and he has so much work to do before he even becomes the bear minimum of what I needed.

I feel failed. Like my story has a bad ending. I feel very broken and sad. I will take my time to just be me. I hope he does the same. I truly hope he finds the one and becomes happy. Mostly I hope that for myself but for now I am enough by my self with the pupper!

Thank you all for your time and support. I am going to have a little cry in some furbaby’s fluffy fur

RELEVANT COMMENTS

NolaCat94

This is so far from a bad ending. A bad ending would've been staying until nothing was left of you. A bad ending would've been him bleeding you dry and you being stuck. You put yourself first and that will always be good. And to add to the positivity, this is probably the kick he needed to get past his trauma.*

OOP  

I think you are spot on. He has said these things himself. He didn’t know how bad he was until he came home to me leaving. He has told me he hates himself for letting me walk and letting me be this miserable. He is in therapy ( as far as I know because I am No contact ) and I hope he does well.    I really felt once I was out how much of myself was lost. I went through quite a dark time realizing how far I went for this man. But I am getting better.

~

ZestyLemonAsparagus

It does feel like a sad ending, I get the sadness of knowing the magical ending wasn’t going to happen, of the hope that he would see the light and make the changes he needed to in order to make you feel valued. But at the end of the day it’s a happy ending as well, you have a puppy who loves you and he demonstrated through his anger that he still holds his values of stinginess higher than he holds you, so you don’t have to wonder. This really, really feels like the ending of Inside Out, where a core memory comes in and it is a mix of Joy and Sadness. And sadness isn’t bad, sadness helps us remember what is important. You are important. I’m happy for you that you have been able to connect with the things that bring you joy, and surrounded yourself with them.*

But… please stay open. I know you have joked that you are fine being single forever, and if that is the course of your life, then that’s all well and good. Being single doesn’t mean lonely as you truly know while you entertain in your apartment. Guard yourself against become a version of your ex in the same way he became a version of his ex, not that you would abuse others but that you would abuse yourself by closing yourself off from people to keep yourself safe. You deserve that joy, and all the happiness in the world.*

OOP

Thank you. I will be open to someone again but only when it comes out of a place of “ wow this person is something else” not interested in anything else.    I know now I ran past several red flags just because this man could give me the life I dreamed of. Married, nice house, some kids. A life with no worries … but he was not that man. 

He has send me letters upon letters how sorry he is, taking accountability. But I can’t anymore. I just don’t want to try again. I hope he does well for himself. He is in therapy and doing his best. I hope he is happy one day. I just don’t want to be part of it anymore.    So yes it is no Disney ending. But it is also not my ending. It is a real beginning

~

Ok-Act-8736

He’s now taking accountability? Last time he was angry at you for not respecting what je can do with his money*

OOP  

Yep he is very sorry about that. He doesn’t know why reacted like that. He is ashamed about it. Money suddenly doesn’t matter to him anymore. These are all things in his texts letters and phone calls. 

But it has been a while since I have had contact with him.    Even if he changes a lot now… my question is : why couldn’t he do that then. I got sick, when I got sad and told him I was unhappy… why can he only change when he is in pain because I left?    That says it all. 

I really hope he finds himself and that he will be happy in the future but I don’t want to be part of it anymore

NEW UPDATE

  Dec 26, 2023 (4 months since last update)

I was in a financially abusive relationship. With enough time passing now I am more comfortable with the word abuse. I fought it for a long time because he did not scream at me, hit me or called me names.

He just used triangulation  and the image of his abusive ex to use my own kindness against myself and to get me to fall in line. Spend my limited savings into furniture, luxuries and nights out for a goddamn multi millionaire just to have some comfort in life. Constantly trying to prove I was no gold digger by having 0 needs, living in a cold house and buy him everything he could ever want. I never lived a impoverished existence then when I was with a person who actually had loads of money. More than I could possibly comprehend.

When I left I really struggled to keep at it. I was so scared to go at life by myself. To actually have to pinch Pennie’s.  He kept telling me what I wanted to hear for so long. Went into therapy, begged me to come back. It digged into my resolve.  Made me doubt if I was making a mistake.

A few things made me go on:

1. My colleagues who are more friends than coworkers who knew all my stories into details hugged me and told me they were so proud of me for leaving. Their feeling was so authentic it rubbed off on me. I was also proud I left and I couldn’t let them and me down by going back

2. My boss once passed my office when I was working late and he said:” Never give men second chances! They never change. You deserve someone who gets it right from the start.” I don’t know what prompted him to say this to me but it stuck with me.

3. My trainer who knows some stories said to me: you gave everything to get less then nothing back ! It is like me getting a 100 bucks from you and to repay you I’ll take another 100 bucks from your wallet! why would you want to take that deal again? He has a debt with you he can’t repay and I don’t mean cash. I mean emotional energy, love and kindness.

4. I read somewhere: don’t wake up in the same miserable place 10 years from now because you feared the change you have to make today. That hit me very hard.

I have bought my own apartment. I felt like a poor little mouse being surrounded by people who make my monthly wage in a few days! But the fact is I have a very good job. I earn far above average. I am able to have a nice place, nicely furnished. And I can even support a puppy.

I live by myself but feel endlessly more warmth then in a relationship. I love myself way more. I am not riddled with guilt over wanting to have a cozy house. Go out for dinner sometimes. I am so happy I dragged myself out of this relationship. I kept at it and moved on.

Keep going. One foot in front of the other. It is hard but you can do this! I am proud of you!

   Apr 9, 2024 (4 since last update)

The money is gone. I am not going to get that back or fight for it. I even had to block him because at some point he got petty and wanted me to pay rent for the time I lived with him so no way I was opening that discussion. Whatever… lesson learned . I may look poor compared to millionaires but I am doing fine.

The sister and I did get along for a while. We share a hobby and talked about that. But recently I have been official and out in the open with my new boyfriend and she struggles with this. Maybe she was hoping it would still work out or something I don’t know. But she has been one a lot colder.

This man… wow! People say never settle because there is better out there for you… I never believed it. Honestly I was ready to be a crazy dog lady for the rest of my life. I was enjoying being single. My friends urged me to start dating just to get the hang of it… he was my 3rd date. I went against my will and was 100% not into it but when I saw him in real life…omg sparks flew like never before ! I am in my thirties so you would have thought  experienced it all… but this??? Wow

He is everything my ex was not. He is kind and caring. Cooks me dinner. Gets flustered but is grateful for gifts he gets. He treats me to dinners. Will not even allow me to go Dutch on it. He has planned and booked dates and trips months in advance even before we were well and good official. Buys me gifts! He is not as wealthy as my ex. But he makes a good living. His income is comparable to mine but he treats me like a queen. And between me and you ( and all redditors that dig this deep in the comments) the love making is INSANE ! I guess giving people give everywhere freely.

So please take away to never settle! Ever ! Trust the process babe!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ConditionBig6373

I hope you told him off! After the abuse you suffered he should shit his mouth and be grateful you didn't sue him for emotional distress!

OOP

Too much energy to waste on a man who wasted so much already. I just never want to see him again. I hope he finds the help he needs and I hope he becomes a happy person but I do not want to be anywhere near him.

I am so happy with my current boyfriend. I don’t understand how I fought for so long to keep this man.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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Originally posted to

Previous

[New Update] - AITA for yelling at my SIL at my wedding and telling her no one cares that she is pregnant

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: manipulation, gaslighting, enabling, obsessive behavior

---

RECAP

: February 20, 2024

Sorry everyone, my story was duplicated in my previous post, hopefully it was fixed

TLDR: I yelled at my SIL at my wedding that no one cares that she is pregnant after she repeatedly trued to take the attention off of my husband and I.

My husband (30 m) and I (26f) got married during covid. We couldn’t have a big ceremony because of restrictions, and unfortunately my family couldn’t be present as they live in a different country. With restrictions finally lifted, we decided to have a more traditional ceremony in my home country with my family. My husband’s family came, his parents, some friends, cousins and his sister (32 f, we’ll call her Sara) and her husband (28 m, we’ll call him Matt).

Sara and Matt live on the other side of the US than the rest of the family. They had their wedding a couple of months back in their home state, and ever since then when we have a conversation, even without our wedding coming up, Sara would say that she and Matt are planning to get pregnant on the trip for my husband and I’s wedding. No big deal, I just made sure to tell her that she needs to ovulate for that to happen, but other than that I could not care less. What started to get annoying, is when we were talking about all the activities/ excursions people wanted to do so could go ahead and book it, Sara would always say “Make sure there’s is enough time for Matt and I at the hotel so we can get busy making our baby.” Again, kind of gross, a little annoying, but whatever, they are grown ups.

About a week before we all leave to go to my home country, Sara and Matt arrive in our home state to spend time with family as they rarely see them. My husband and I, his parents, and my husband’s brother and sister in law are sitting chatting, when Sara blurts out she is pregnant. We all get really excited, congratulate them and saying how happy we are. We start asking some questions, and Sarah says she is 2 weeks pregnant. Everyone kind of loses a little bit of excitement and say wow, that’s really early, we suggest to wait before telling other people, just as a lot can happen. People usually dont even know they are pregnant until at least 6 weeks, and even then they are encouraged to wait until after the first trimester to tell people. My BIL and SIL were very happy and excited for them, but cautioned them even more as they have experienced multiple miscarriages before having their first child.

Matt replied by saying they are only telling the people closest to them, eg his parents, her parents and her siblings, no one else since it is so early. Well the next day, Sara had called her great uncle and his wife over for drinks and decided to tell them too, called her one aunt and uncle and told them, and by the end of the day basically the entire extended family knew, as well as some of her mom’s friends which stopped by the house and Sara told. With each person Sara told Matt got more agitated, as they had agreed to only tell a select few people. Matt finally gave up and asked her why she doesn’t just post it on Facebook as it will be quicker, to which she replied, she wants to, but she think it will be frowned upon.

My husband came to me and said it feels like she is trying to draw the attention away from us and our wedding, as she is known to do anything and everything to have the spotlight on her. I said to not worry about it, as when we are in my home country, she isn’t going to know many people so she wont say anything.

He agreed, but went to his parents and told them what he was feeling, and asked if they could politely suggest that she keep it to herself when we left for the trip. They agreed that it was valid for him to feel that way, as they know she hates it if the focus is not on her.

Anyway, we leave for the wedding and I see my mom for the 2nd time in 5 years. Obviously it was a very emotional reunion, but we wiped off our tears quickly and sat down for a meal with my husband’s family. After I introduced her to everyone, the waiter take our order and the first thing Sara says to my mom is, your daughter probably already told you, but I won’t be drinking this trip. My mom says that its no problem, you dont have to drink to have fun, and that Sara will still have fun, even if she chooses not to drink. Sara interrupts my mom to tell her its not by choice that she is not drinking, but that she is pregnant. (Keep in mind this is 10 minutes after she met my mom) my mom says congratulations and keeps on with another conversation. Sara intterupts my mom again and tells her how she is 2 weeks pregnant and just so excited. My mom ( who is in medicine) then tells Sara the same thing we did, that she should probably wait until she is in her second trimester to tell people, and Sara completely ignores her.

The same thing happens with my aunt, cousins, uncles, sister and grandparents, all of whom she had never met before.

My husband yet again speaks to his parents and ask them to please tell her to keep it private because it feels as though she is purposefully trying to take the attention away from our wedding. They say they will talk to her. Matt actually comes up to us and apologizes, by saying he agrees that it has gotten out of hand and that the number of people that know is way more than the number they agreed upon.

Fast forward, we are sitting eating while we wait for one of our excursions. A family that I lived with for 3 when I first moved to my husband’s country flew out for the wedding and met up with us for lunch. They have never met my SIL. The wife and I are talking about the wedding and all the arrangements, while my SIL sits across from us and listens to the conversation. My husband orders some shots for everyone at the table, when his mom says she doesn’t want one so he tells the server minus 1. My SIL hears him ordering the shots and goes off yelling across the table. “ I can’t drink alcohol!! You know I cant drink a shot! Why would you order me one?!” Everyone kind of stops and looks at her for a sec, before my husband says its not a problem as Matt said he wants 2. Everyone then continues their conversation including the wife and I. My SIL interrupts me and continues to make a big fuss over how my husband ordered her alcohol when he knows she’s not drinking. The wife then says its ok because Matt said he’ll drink it so its not going to waste. My SIL then says again how annoying it is that my husband ordered her a shot and I say to not worry about because I’ll just drink it if Matt doesn’t want it. She keeps doing this till I finally tell the wife, she’s not drinking because she is pregnant. The wife says congratulations and ask how far she is and then also tells her to be careful of telling too many people.

This situation happens about 3 more times in the week leading up to the wedding. Now this is why I might be the AH. The last time it happened she was telling my HS friends at the wedding how sick she has been, but no one asked why she was sick, they were just empathetic and saying they hope she feels better. They came over to me to talk to me and she followed again complaining about how sick she has been and kind of pushing them to ask why she has been feeling so sick, when I finally said, “ Sara, are you fucking kidding me?! No one gives a shit that you are pregnant, they don’t even know you.” Sara ran off crying and my MIL heard me say that and told my FIL who screamed at my husband saying how we hurt Sara’s feelings and how she is just excited.

My husband doesn’t think I did anything wrong, and my HS friends think I was fine too, because they know the backstory. My mom and some of my husband’s family think I was the Asshole.

So AITA for telling my SIL that no one cares that she is pregnant.

Relevant Comments

ACanWontAttitude: 2 weeks pregnant doesn't exist. If she's used the clear blue test that says 2 weeks, it actually means she's 4 weeks.

Your weeks of pregnancy are dated from the first day of your last period. This means that in the first 2 weeks or so, you are not actually pregnant – your body is preparing for ovulation (releasing an egg from one of your ovaries) as usual.

OOP: She said she knows when she got pregnant, it was their anniversary from when they started dating, and then she took a pregnancy test and it came back positive 2 weeks after their anniversary. She could also apparently ’feel when the implant of the egg happened’

ConsitutionalHistory: Here's the real problem...her husband, her parents, or even your husband should have told her off long before this reached your breaking point. You did nothing wrong...but apparently nearly everyone else was more than happy to play the role of enabler to the little princess.

Prestigious-Algae886: NTA. Sarah sounds insufferable. Is she the golden child?

OOP: Yes, never finished college after asking her dad to pay for 4 different colleges and degrees, and then still got a graduation present when she moved away to work on a ranch. She also gets a allowance for money every month from her father

 

: February 29, 2024

Update to my previous post on my profile.

My hisband and i finally had our honeymoon and we were unreachable during our holiday because we were out of the country. Our whole family knew this before we left and we told them the only way to reach us in emergency was to call the hotel. We knew Sara was going in for her appointment while we were away and we told her we would call her as soon as we got back home.

My husband and I was out one day for the whole day from the hotel doing activities, and when we got back we found a note on our room to say we have to go to reception. Once we got to reception, the person told us we had 7 missed calls from family and gave us a number to call. We didn’t know who called or what about, but we thought it was an emergency. We called the number and it was Matt. He was very confused and asked why we were calling him on our honeymoon and asked if we were ok? We said that the hotel said tihs number called 7 times and asked him if everything was ok, matt said everything was fine but Sara wanted to talk to us.

Matt called Sara over and she asked us how we were having fun etc, but we just wanted to know what was going on because we were so worried. Sara said she went to the doctor and got some news, we asked her if everything was ok, because she kept not saying anything and we could hear her and Matt whisper to each other. We heard Matt say to her “did you seriously call the hotel 7 times to tell them this? It could have waited.” Sara finally gets back on the phone and said that the doctor said she was going to have twins!! We said congratulations and asked if there was anything else? We thought it was an emergency. She said no she just wanted to share the news because she is so excited and scared and she couldn’t hold it in. She said she also called my mom, and told her (thay are friends on social media) .

My husband and I both just said we were very happy for them but really didn’t want to be bothered again if it was not an emergency. Sara said we were being very rude and she just wanted to share the good news. We hung up because we had to get ready for dinner.

When we got back into the US, my inlaws picked us up from the airport and were asking us if we spoke to Sara. We said yes she said she was having twins and we were very excited for them. My FIL then said Sara told them we were extremely rude to her and Matt and we were dismissive and hung up the phone. We told them what really happened and they said that is not what Sara has told the whole family.

We are now back in our house and haven’t spoken to Sara or Matt but matt texted us both but the text only cane through later where he said he was so sorry that they bothered us on our vacation and he felt horrible. We just texted back and said all good, and that we were very excited for both of them.

All i can say about this whole situation is that i am very happy that we live on the other side of the country from Sara.

Additional Information from OOP

I spoke to my MIL today and like everyone said, Sara didn’t calculate her time right. She is actually about 8-9 weeks pregnant according to my MIL. Sara is also having twins that were 2 eggs and 2 sperms (not sure the medical name) and each has their own sack.

Relevant Comments

bobbleheadjoe:_ Did your brother go with her to the doctor? Did he see the ultrasound?

For some reason women who fake pregnancies often claim they’re having twins. Now that isn’t a super likely scenario, but this woman sounds pathologically desperate for attention.

I probably have watched too many Dr Phil episodes on women who fake pregnancies, but I’d reverse image search any ultrasound pictures she sends/posts.

OOP: I think Matt went with yes, when we got back to the US she sent us a picture of the ultrasound, im not a doctor or in the medical field at all but it looked like two babies to me.

 

---

----NEW UPDATE----

: May 29, 2024 (3 months later)

Hi everyone, sorry for the long wait on the update, I have been really busy with my work.

Sara is still pregnant, due at the end of August, with 2 babies, one boy and one girl.

My husband (Sara's brother) and I have started to try and have a family of our own, no success yet, but we are not worried, it only 2 months. When we we're in my country, we were buying artwork and small furnitures from my country to put in the nursery of our future baby to have my culture too. Sara and her husband bought some things too for their house and because she was pregnant for the baby.

My mom was on the town with Sara one day when we did a trip they didnt want to do and bought some things for us, and told Sara its for the nursery for our future baby. When Sara heard what our idea for our nursery was with my culture, she decided she wanted her nursery to be like that, and bought almost everything we bought. We dint say anything because we thought she was just buying for her house and for friends, souvenirs etc.

Some time passed after everyting happened at the wedding and the honeymoon, and Sara called me to see if I can go to a store where we live and look at some baby things for her, because they dont have that store. I said yes and spend almost 2 hours with her on the videocall showing her things, taking pictures, and saying we can get it and mail to her if she needs anything, so we were on good terms.

then a week ago she posted on ig her nursery in progress and it was exactly what I said I wanted. The theme isnt something very common, but its my culture. Think like dragons for China, or Geisha for Japan. Very big part of the culture, but not usually a baby theme. I saw it and got mad, showed it to my husband and he was mad too, but said lets just give it a few days, and then talk about it again, and then we can decide what to do. I said ok.

Sara calls us a couple of days later to tell us the names she decided for her babies, and the boy name is very sweet, a mixture of a family name on Matt and Sara's family. The girl name is where the problem is. Her first name is very pretty, we love it, but her middle name is my husband's name that we said we wanted to use if we had a son. its not a girl/boy name like Taylor, its a boy name like Johnathan (not the rael name).

My husband said thats his name and she knew we wanted to use it. she said its also their uncle's name, and thats who its after. My husband kept saying but its his first name, and its boys name and we are still going to use the name if we have a son. This is where Sara loses her mind. she gets so mad and starts yelling that cousins cannot have the same name and she chose it first, and my husband just says ITS MY NAME. Finally Sara just hangs up after she said she thought my husband would be happy that she is nameing the baby the same name as him.

Again we give it a couple of days and then I had a talk with my husband and said I am still very upset about the theme and it feels like Sara always gets what she wants, no matter what other people think, feel or are affected. I told him its like the camels back broke from all the straw, over the last years. I told him I was going to call Sara and tell her how i feel and just talk about it. he said ok, but told me to wait one more day so I am not very angry when I call. I called my mom and told her what i told my husband, and she was furious. She pointed out that Sara also showed me and my husband things she thought would look good in our nursery with the theme we said we wanted, so she knew exactly what we wanted to do. I took a couple of hours to get my brain ready and called Sara to talk to her about it.

When I was talking to Sara, I made sure to tell her that the nursery wasn't the main issue, that it was just the last thing I could take. I told her it feels like everything is always about her, and how she wants it and screw everybody else. I said its almost 4 years of that, and the nursery was the last straw. I made it a point to talk to her nicely, not raise my voice and use kind words. SHE WENT OFF. She said a nursery theme isnt something you can own, and that I actually copied her. I told her its my culture so i dont know how that works. She called me such bad names and cursed me out, and i told her if she doesnt stop, i was going to hang up. She kept saying nasty things, and i told her again, and she kept going, so I hung up after i told her to lose my number and not contact me ever again. I havent had any other contact from her, and my husband either. It feels like a weight of my shoulders. I wish her the best but she cannot be a part of my life if she is acting like this. i also removed her from all socials.

So that’s that, Sara and me are done. my husband is low contact, only if she calls/ messages him, which is never. Her parents are shocked at me, but i said im done. Her mom asked if I am going to tell Sara when I get pregnant, and I said no, she is welcome to tell her, and my husband can tell her if she wants, but I am not speaking to Sara again. Sara had her shower, and I sent 2 outfits for the babies, because I brought them before the phone call, and she texted in a group chat to say thank you and I just liked the message. I told my husband that if I am home, Sara is not welcome in my house.

Thats probably the last update from me. I don’t think anything else will happen now that I am no contact. if anything, I will just comment on this post. I am not super active on reddit, so I am sorry if I don’t reply. Thank you all for the support and messages. you made me realise that I am not the crazy one. you are the best!!

Relevant Comments

EvasiveFriend: No one thinks it's weird or unusual for a non pregnant woman to make a nursery when another family member is pregnant?! What an unhealthy competition!

OOP: I go back to my country very few times. Since moving away, only 2 times in 5 years. My husband and I planned in getting stuff for our nursery when we visited, because we knew we wanted to have a baby soon, and we didn’t know when we are going back. Its very expensive to mail things, almost $$150 for a shoebox, so we got some things we could fit in our suitcases. A lot of the stuff you cannt find in Usa, so thats why we bought it there.

ObsoleteReference: I would make it very clear to parents in law you plan to use your husbands name for a boy no matter what. Don’t worry about it being confusing, unless Sara chills out considerably, you’re not going to want to deal with her pitting her/ her kids against anything that could distract from her being center stage.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in .

Thanks to for the recommendation

Mood Spoiler: hopeful ending

Original : May 27, 2024

My (35f) fiancé (34m) was chasing our 22 month old around the house for fun. The fun ended abruptly when he slipped on the floor and smacked his head on the tile. It was so hard I felt the vibration from 10 feet away. My fiancé immediately swept him up and held him. He cried for a good 15 minutes and there was a huge bloodshot lump on the back of his head. Our son is a magnet for head hitting and I've always been worried but this time it was so hard that I felt it in my gut. Quite literally I wanted to vomit from fear and started tearing up. He seemed quiet lethargic after, just kind of slammed in his father's lap and not wanting a popsicle which are his favorite.

I begged my fiancé to take him to the hospital and when my mom chimed in in agreement, my fiancé stomped up the stairs to get changed. He came down and argued that we were overreacting and he's going to spend a but of money just for them to send him home. I told him I thought our sons pupils looked off when I shined a light and his demeanor was different so I'd feel better knowing he's ok by professionals. He reluctantly put our son in the car and we went to the ER.

Upon a couple of hours watch and some examinations, they decided that he was okay but said they totally understood why we would bring him in. The whole ride back and as we got ready for bed, my fiancé went off on me about how he was going to have to pay the bill for nothing and how he has to get up early for work with no sleep. (He'll get 6 hours which is more than I will since the ER doctor told us to monitor him for the next few days as symptoms could turn up later.) He also decided to throw a jab in about how I get to sleep in which is completely false as we have a newborn that I'm up feeding every 2 hours and both babies wake up about 10 minutes after he leaves.

I just kept reminding him that it was better to know he was okay rather than not being able to wake him up in the morning. I understand that ER bills can be expensive, but we have good insurance and I still echo that it's better safe than sorry. But AITAH for "strong-arming" him into going since everything turned out to be ok?

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Nta that man is a moron. You don't play with head injuries. When in doubt check it out. Ask him if the money and sleep are more important then his child if something has happened?

OOP: Even though he said "better safe than sorry" to the nurse he still continued to rip me a new one when we got home about how it was a waste of money and time. I feel vindicated knowing I made the right choice.

Commenter: NTA Any mom that is concerned for their son is not the asshole. I get your partners point about bills but at the end of the day, health and saftey matters the most.

If the injury sustained looked abnormal and genuinely concerning you have every right to bring your son in. And fuck the American Health care system.

OOP: He's always cried and went right back to being his energetic self. This time he just sat there quiet and I was so worried. And yes. The American Healthcare system can suck a big one.

(to a different commenter who misread her above comment as hating on the docs): The hospital staff were amazing. I'm not saying that. It's the price of it all that causes many people to turn away from help when they truly need it. I was so grateful for everyone on board last night to help my son the best that they could.

Commenter: Swing and a miss on the partner choice there. Oh well. You’re obviously NTA for taking a small child to the doctor for a potentially serious head injury. I’m sorry for the other issues you’ll be facing between now and your divorce. This can’t be the only thing fiancé is wildly reckless about. You could always not marry him, but knowing Reddit, I have a feeling you’ll conclude, “oh, he’ll change,” even though literally no one ever changes. At all. Ever.

OOP: I see your point there for sure. He's certainly not an abusive father by any means and he does love his sons very much. I think he was just raised differently because as a child he tried comparing it to a time he had a head injury so bad his head bled and he passed out. Not one adult took him to the hospital. So I guess he thought that was normal? From now on if there's any emergencies (God forbid) I'll be going solo. I don't need to feel guilt on top of my nauseating concern.

Commenter: NTA. Better safe than sorry. Your fiancé is a reckless asshole though. 

OOP: He does get our son hyped up. It makes me happy to see them playing, but crap like this always happens when he rough houses with him. I love my fiancé so much and he's a great father. I just wish he'd play more gently with him and not get mad when his actions indirectly cause a hospital trip.

(different commenter): The rough play definitely needs to stop. I have to have a talk with him after this event for sure.

Commenter: He’s not a great father. Denying a small child medical care for head trauma is not being a great father.

OOP: He did say "let's just keep an eye on him for a few hours to see if we need to go" but it was close to bedtime and I couldn't wait. And he did seem off to me so I felt it was the right thing. I think he just feels like that's my knee jerk reaction to everything. Which has only happened one other time when thought he swallowed a coin and the Dr's office told us to go in because they had a case once where the coin got stuck and the child needed surgery in their throat. That's the only reason we went. Because the Dr told us to. So I can see your point for sure.

Commenter: You were right to be concerned about a  possible concussion after that fall?! Your toddler can’t articulate all of the things he’s feeling, and you saw the signs that he was in pain and not his self.

Your fiancé’s response to your logical concerns is problematic.  Why hesitate if you have insurance, especially in case of a head injury that can have long term consequences?! Thank goodness your toddler is ok. NTA 

OOP: I'm starting to feel like there's something really wrong here with my fiancés logic. It is worrisome. I even cried asking "why aren't you as worried as I am about this?" And he said he was but his behavior showed otherwise.

There is no consensus bot on AITAH, but comments were a majority NTA

Update : May 28, 2024 (Next Day)

I got a lot of support from you all on the verdict. I want to say thank you first and foremost. It eased my mind to know that I wasn't just being an overreacting mom.

Our son is back to his energetic self and doing well. Of course he fell again when I whipped out a diaper to change him and ran from me screaming with laughter. Luckily he caught himself with his hands. I don't know what I'm going to do about this crazy kid.

There were a lot of comments saying my fiancé is a red flag and I can understand from that one scenario that he seemed to be at the time a big.. dick to say the least. I wanted to reiterate that he's actually a really great father. He's been stressing about money because of the new baby and working 6 days a week, beaten by the elements and doing heavy duty labor.

He ended up taking off from work yesterday and apologized for the way he reacted and talked to me. He felt terrible about it and spent most of the day holding our son and being grateful that he was alive. I guess my words sunk in about a wait and see attitude might have led to our son not waking up in the morning. He promised to no longer roughhouse with him anymore and gets shooken up whenever our son starts to run. I think my fiancé was a little traumatized that it was kind of his participation that led to our sons fall.

Thanks again for all the support!! Hopefully that's the first and last ER visit our bub has. With his high energy, I'll be crossing all of my fingers with hopefulness.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Perhaps it's time to do something about the slippery floors? At this rate, it's gonna happen again.

OOP: The floor wasnt slippery. He slipped on one of his magnet blocks. Yesterday he fell outside on the patio. He just runs so fast that his little legs can't keep up with his momentum. My new rule is no running unless it's outside on grass

Commenter: Can we all agree that the real asshole in this situation is the broken and barbaric american healthcare system which would create a financial incentive to parents to not get their child medical care after an injury?

OOP: I do agree with you there. The staff was fantastic. It's the financial institution behind it all that pisses me off. My father couldn't afford to the ER for a severe migraine. Fastforward 2 years and it was an aggressive cancer that ended up spreading and ending his life. If he felt he could afford it, maybe they could've caught it in time.. the US Healthcare System is a POS

I am not The OOP, OOP is

AITAH for snapping my parents after they told me they used what was intended for college to help my brother and his family?

Originally posted to

Thanks to for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: ableism, favoritism

May 28, 2024

Obvious throwaway account.

I was not planning to go straight to college, I wanted to take a year off I saved up some money from work. More or less school, sports, and work is all I have done. I wanted to live a little before I go to college. I told my parents about this two years ago. I assured them I all intentions to go to school just wanted to live for a little before hand. It seems they were cool with it.

Advance about a year and a half I told my parents I was looking to start college next semester this is when they told me that I no longer had any money. They did not think I was going to use it, and my brother's wife was diagnosed with MS and can no longer work so they gave my brother my college fund. It was a sizable amount. My parents did not do put it into a 529 plan, my father created an investment account that was in his name but intended for me. Last I was told total amount was around $224,418. Account has been open for 19 and half years.

I get legally I had no claim to the money since it was in my father's name. I also get I am not entitled to my parents financial assistance with higher education. All that being said I lost it with my parents and told them off and said many hurtful things some I regret some I do not.

My parents have told my family and been getting calls and texts stating how hurtful my comments were and the money my dad gave my brother and his family saved them. My initial reaction is why is that my problem? I get it must suck going from two incomes to one, and having a two child ontop of a wife with MS has is appears to be aggressive. While callous how is that my problem? Why should my future he impacted over someone else's life?

My father is not even willing to cosign a loan with me. I mean I am still going to school, I know you go find ways to make it cheaper go to community college for gen Ed's and stuff the transfer. Many grants and scholarships.

AITAH for more or less telling my family they all ducking suck trying to preserve the future of someone that has no real future. His wife MS has aggressively progressed in the brief time she has had it. Gone from working to needing assistance getting to the bathroom. Sure it may not inherently be a life limting disease, but it sure is a mobility limiting disease and she is only 33 and she is already this bad? Hate to be that person my father made an bad investment. That money is going to get eaten up rather quickly.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Agoraphobe961

Info: did at any point did you or other relatives besides parents contribute to the fund? Your first statement sounds like you did which could give you some leeway for a legal case or at least leverage to get your dad to co-sign.

While you are not “owed” the money, your parents did spend 19 years giving you a verbal contract that you had a college fund

OOP

No I did not add to the account. I lived off the money I saved from working while also doing side hustles for extra cash when needed.

~

petitefunsassy

I don’t understand why they needed the entire amount right away.

I don’t get how you can be close and communicating you will be going to college and they give away the money you were counting on without talking to you about it?

I don’t get how your SIL ms issues aren’t covered by insurance and social security disability.

OOP

Living expenses, it appears getting disability for MS is rather annoying to get. I do not know the extra details but I do know his wife did make good money before, she made more than my brother. They also have kids so yeah I am sure they money helped them a lot.

I do not know the ins and outs of their situation to answer your questions accurately.

When asked if he was living at home and off his parents

I was not no, as mentioned I had some money saved up I lived off that and did side hustles when I need extra cash. I did not live with my parents either shared an apartment with my friends

OOP Updated the post the next day May 29, 2024

Update: Have not read all of the comments, but wanted to clear some things up I have seen. I am going to be 20 in January. I did get accepted to U of Penn I will have to see what options are available for me, if nothing is available I will probably just go the state school route. Thankfully I am going to school for electrical engineering with a focus in power systems. Hopefully means I will not have a hard time finding a job. Reason I took the year off before going to straight into college is because some friends I game with are also engineers and they told me if they had the option they would hold off a year or two before going to college since from that point on it is all a grind. So that is what I did, I told my parents my plan they said they were okay with it and even told me the account was not going anywhere.

It was my mistake to put my trust in my parents. I should have followed the the mindset only person you can count on is yourself. Which is what I am doing going forward. My family does not care about me, and that is fine. I acknowledge what I said was harsh and I could have framed what I said better. Point still stands as others have pointed out. The money is a band aide, they are going to run through it and find themselves in a similar situation down the road. Sure I have options aviabile, but comparing them isn't getting my SIL on Medicaid a much cheaper and more viable option? Insurance could help fund her treatments and assistance she may need for as long as she qualifies.

The money will run out, and what then? I hope for my brother's and his family sake our parents don't just pull the rug from underneath him later down the road. As I have found out their word holds little value.

I also do not believe for a moment everyone saying they would be understanding would be as understanding had this happen to them. It is easy to say from the sidelines but it is hard to be open minded to the situation when you planned around a certain thing being there especially because your parents promised you. You expect your parents to be the ones that will keep a promise with their child.

Does not matter, at this point I know exactly where I stand. My brother not only had his college paid for by our parents, he has got a house from them as a wedding gift. I am unaware if he knew the money he got was my college fund or what but I do not care at this point. I will be fine going forward this is not the end of the world for me. So many people go to school without their parents money I can also do it. This is less about the money and more so the fact they are taking a piss on me and trying to pass it off as rain. I would have been more understanding if they just came to me at told me what they planned to do. I would be pissed but I could respect their honesty. How they went about it was scummy.

To those that are also saying they parents would not sign my loans because of what I said. I asked about the cosigner before I said all those things. At first I was upset but I knew with them cosigning I could still pay for school, and given their financial situation hopefully my rate would be on the lower side. Everything blew up the moment they told me they could not cosign a loan with me. So yeah I doubt that is why they said no.

I will keep reading the comments and will answer some I see throughout the day.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

cgm124

Honestly I would go NC and block them from your life, what did your parents say to you when you called them out?

OOP

Nothing to me, they just checked out. Clearly they had a lot to say to my family though. Given the phone calls and text messages.

I know where I stand with them and yeah I am done with them.

~

heepofsheep

Have you talked to your brother? He basically got both college funds… would he be willing to at least co sign your loans?

If your parents wanted to help that badly why didn’t they take a loan against their 401k?? Hell they could still do that fund your college…. Except of course they’d be sacrificing their wellbeing instead of theirs….

OOP

Part of me wants to I really do but I am also afraid. I want to ask if he knew it was my college fund he was getting. I am afraid of the answer. Doubt I will ask though if I am being honest.

Yeah that is a good question. Overall they probably feel the same way I do. Why should they have to suffer because another person is sick. They just come off as being the good guys in this equation because they offered help. Knowing my parents especially my dad the money was never part of their plans. It was more or less extra money.

Why take a year off after high school

I took a year off because I saved up most of my pay over from 16 to 18. Had I known they were going to give away my college fund if I did not go I would have just gone.

I thought it was best to take a year off now, cause after college I will be spending most of my life working. I had the means, I was using the money I saved nothing from my parents.

I made a plan based on a promise. You are right though if you cannot trust your parents to keep a promise who can you trust.

LAST COMMENTS FROM OOP

I am more so mad that my older brother got his free ride, a house when he got married, and on top got my free ride also. Yeah I came to vent, I also don't buy others wouldn't be upset either. My parents knew my plan, were on board, told me the money would be there when I was ready. Then when you go to collect they tell you it is all gone, and then when you ask if they would he willing to cosign they also say no. Pretty sure most people would be livid in that situation also. Sure maybe they would say what I said but the raw emotion probably would be present in nearly everyone. It is easy to say from the sidelines how they would handle it. Sure I am sure people will say they will handle it with grace. Good for you.

I will be fine, I am still going to school and I will make sure to learn my lesson that I cannot count on my parents to keep their word and I will make sure I never in a position where I am relying on handouts. My parents taught me a great lesson cannot trust anyone but yourself not even family.

When called on talking about someone with MS and what OOP said

So you have never said anything hurtful in the heat of the moment after you had the rug pull from you?

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is

My [25M] girlfriend [26F] of 1.5 years keeps spreadsheets rating her sex life and relationships. Found them while working on her computer. Don't know if I should tell her/ask to see the previous guys' ratings.

  Sept 12, 2014

My gf and I have been together for about a year and a half. She is amazing, intelligent, and caring. We don't live together, but we're considering moving in together in January when her lease is up. We pretty much spend all of our nights together though.

Anyway, I spent the night at her place last night, and ended up using her computer for work. This morning I needed to email the document I'd been working on last night to myself at work. I couldn't remember where I'd saved it, so I just searched the computer for any files with my name. Two pop up: one is the document I was working on before, and the other is an excel spreadsheet titled "Sex and Relationships." So...I opened it.

From what I could tell, she has been keeping this spreadsheet since her first relationship (9 years). She has a tab for each sex partner/relationship, where she notes the dates of sex, rates the sex, notes what sex acts, and rates the relationship (not entirely sure what that means either). It was open on my tab, since I'm the most recent, so I read all of her sex/relationship ratings...and they start out pretty high (I think...don't know the scale), but have been getting lower over the past 2 months.

It basically took all of my willpower, but I didn't look at the other guys' tabs. Thinking about seeing the other guys' sex acts column and the ratings just makes me sick to my stomach. So I just closed the spreadsheet, emailed myself my work document, and went to work. I've just been stewing since then, though, and becoming more and more insecure about the sex ratings. I'm so tempted to read the other guys' ratings, but I know that would be wrong as well as self-torture really. I already feel kind of shitty for reading even my tab, but at the same time, I'm kind of offended by the fact that she RATES our sex life and relationship, like it's just a performance eval at work or something. I don't know. Obviously something is wrong with our sex life, so I need to talk to her about that, but there haven't been any signs of that from my perspective, so she's probably going to realize I saw the spreadsheet if I randomly bring it up. So what do I do? Do I tell her what I saw? Am I overreacting by being a little angry about her rating me and our relationship? Also, isn't keeping track of your sex life to this extent kind of odd?

I haven't seen her since I found the spreadsheet. She had already left for work when I saw it.

---   tl;dr: GF rates all her relationships/sex partners. My sex ratings are getting lower. I don't know how to approach this with my gf, and I'm a little offended by even the concept of rating our relationship/me. I also keep thinking about the previous guys' ratings and getting insecure.

Edit: the document I emailed myself was my work file. Not her spreadsheet. I worded it weird.

RELEVANT COMMENT

RememberKoomValley

What, all the times you have sex? I mean, I've certainly made lists of past experiences when looking for patterns ("Am I dating the same kind of asshole again?") but not with a current relationship.  That's pretty weird. Is she a generally mathematical sort of person?

Good for you, not looking at the other tabs. Don't. No good will come of it.

When is the last time the two of you sat down and had a discussion about how things are going?  Do you do that with any regularity?

OOP

Yeah, as far as i can tell, every time we've had sex. Also, she very much is a mathematical person. She has a hard time opening up with emotions sometimes, but usually if I initiate a conversation about how she's feeling about something, she opens up. Last time we had a serious discussion was when we talked about moving in together. That was maybe a month or so ago? Definitely within the timeframe of when the sex ratings were already dropping, so idk what's up. Why would you want to move in with someone when you feel your sex life is not only poor, but getting worse? That makes no sense to me.

edit: I meant "poor" in relation to how she felt in the beginning of our relationship, since the ratings were getting lower for something like a month before our conversation about moving in together.

~

spreadsheets4life

Whoops! You replied at the exact second I decided to put this on a throwaway instead, in case my boyfriend finds my username ;) I'll just quote my old reply below I guess just in case.

Anyway, I think the ratings are a bit cold too but I can see how they might not feel cold to her. After all, she doesn't expect anyone else to read them, so to her they're just a kind of shorthand for all the complex thoughts she has about it but doesn't feel like writing down.

My previous reply:

For a second I was scared my boyfriend had found my spreadsheet. Except I don't do the ratings... that just seems cold. Also, difficult to quantify or keep consistent standards for. I do keep a color-coded spreadsheet of everyone I have ever had sex with, the dates of when we had sex, and sometimes notes on the experience, such as any factors that might have led to it being especially good one time. I also keep spreadsheets of: everything I eat on days when I take my adderall and when in the day I eat it; how many hours per day I program (color-coded by project), and how long it takes me to complete any one chunk of my project; how many social interactions I have per day and who I have them with (with automated script to send emails out to schedule meals if I've gone too long without seeing any one of a specific list of close friends); how many mL of water I drink over the course of the day and when I drink it. I am just the kind of personality that likes data, if that makes any sense. (I also fucking love doing my taxes.) It's the same kind of impulse that drives some people to journal every day, I just find it inefficient to write things down in sentences most of the time. Maybe your girlfriend is the same way, and the fact that she's keeping the sexcel spreadsheet doesn't mean anything other than that she's perhaps a bit odd and thinks it's funny or interesting. It doesn't seem like she is sharing the spreadsheet with anyone, which would be a real issue. What would you do if instead of a spreadsheet a microsoft word document containing her diary had popped up instead with diary entries about her thoughts on your sex life and relationship trajectory? Would you still feel offended that she is journaling her thoughts and feelings in a private place?

Personally, I think I would respect her privacy and not read the rest of the spreadsheet and maybe not even tell her that you saw it in the first place (she may get angry and embarrassed). I would try to have a general conversation with her about whether there is anything she wants to try in bed to make your sex life even better, etc.

  Sept 15, 2014 (3 days later)

I thought I should update you guys. Thanks for all the advice. I decided to tell her about my snooping, despite the general consensus being that that would be foolish. My reasons for it were:

1. I felt bad about snooping.

2. I’m terrible at keeping things from people. It probably would’ve come out eventually, so I felt it was best to do it ASAP and in a planned/controlled manner.

3. I still didn’t feel comfortable about the ratings and wanted to understand why she does it and what it means to her. I love her, so I want to understand how her brain works.

4. I wanted to address the sexual issues in a straightforward manner. I know everyone was recommending I just do this organically, but we did a lot of that in the first few months of our relationship. I felt it would come off as odd if I suddenly started asking if she was okay/enjoying the stuff she’s been telling me she prefers for 1.5 years, and she would definitely ask me why I was concerned. Didn’t want to have to lie.

Here’s how it went:

I didn’t end up talking to her Friday night because she was busy (exercise class with a friend). It ended up being a good thing, because I still wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. And like I said, I have a hard time hiding things, so she definitely would’ve known something was up. I just ruminated on the whole thing night Friday and finally decided I’d tell her.

So last night, I told her the whole story, and she knew where it was going pretty much, because she started covering her face when I said I searched for my name. When I explained that I only looked at my tab, though, she was really relieved. I apologized for even opening it in the first place, but she wasn’t really upset about that. She said that she understood the compulsion once I saw the title, she felt it was different from someone who goes out of their way to purposely snoop on their SO, and the fact that I told her instead of hiding it really helped. She said she was relieved I didn’t look at the other tabs, because that would’ve been a much bigger violation of privacy (and not just her privacy, but also the guys’ privacy) and definitely would’ve been an act of jealousy/insecurity rather than curiosity.

The whole time she was explaining this, I was just thinking THANK GOD I DIDN’T FUCKING OPEN THOSE OTHER TABS. Seriously, I am so fucking happy I did not look at those tabs. Cannot stress this enough. I almost fucked up my relationship a lot.

Anyway, as for the whole question of why she keeps track and what the ratings mean, was spot on. She just really likes keeping track of her own personal data. She has spreadsheets for her health (recording her weight, how energetic she feels, allergy symptoms, so on…) and even some completely silly ones like keeping track of how long her hair is. I told her I was worried since I saw the sex ratings were decreasing and I wanted to know what I should do differently. She said the ratings were about her personal enjoyment, not my performance.

Apparently, she’s gained a bit of weight over the past couple months, and she felt her own self-image was keeping her from enjoying sex as much. That’s why she joined a gym and decided to go to the exercise class this week. I was totally flabbergasted by this, because I honestly have not noticed the weight gain. I told her that, and she was basically like, you’re sweet but completely oblivious sometimes. I made sure to let her know that I think she’s gorgeous and sexy and has no reason to feel badly about her body. She said that’s all fine and good, but this was more about her internal validation than external validation.

She said this has happened before in previous relationships, and because of the spreadsheets, she was able to figure out the problem and fix it. I said I understood, but I’d really like it if she told me that she wasn’t enjoying sex as much, so I could help her. She said she hadn’t thought to tell me, because she was already taking steps to fix it. I asked her to please just tell me anyway. It’s not fun to have sex if the other person isn’t having fun too. I’m actually going to start making healthier foods for the two of us, since I suspect the weight gain is probably partially my fault since I love to cook and am always making comfort foods.

All in all, it went way better than I could have ever expected! She doesn’t think I’m a horrible sex partner, and I now know how I can help our sex life. She was a little concerned about me finding out about her spreadsheets though. Apparently a previous bf found out and freaked out and told her she was too cold and robotic. I said that now that I understand why she does it, I realize it’s not that unlike a diary (thank you to the people who made this comparison in the original thread! It really helped me). She was very happy to hear that.

Sorry this update took so long. It was a busy weekend, and my gf had some data she needed help gathering

---   tl;dr: I told her. She wasn’t too upset about the snooping, she explained the sex ratings were more about her than about me, and we’re going to work on being healthier together so her self-image can be back where it was before.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

Thanks to for finding this BORU

2 updates - Long

- 5th March 2024

- 12th March 2024

- 1st June 2024

Now I have won my husband back, I am leaving him.

I have secured an apartment for my baby and me and I have put everything in order and prepared for custody. Shared or otherwise. I have divided the money and transferred my share to a third account and it will stay there until the divorce proceedings and the dividing of the assets.

I found out that my husband was having an affair while I was postpartum. I thought that I would die because I love him and it felt like my heart was broken into million pieces. I knew that it was over but my curiosity got the best of me. I wanted to know why. What was it she had that I didn’t. Did he love her. I started reading his texts and everything was there. He felt like he was alive again. He was happy and excited. She’s single and childless so she had all the time in the world to make him her priority. He felt seen and desired by her. I was confused because even with life coming between us he was always my love and I made sure he knew that every day. Still it wasn’t enough.

I read thousands upon thousands of messages between them and I started being everything he fantasized about. In the beginning, it felt weird and he was confused but I just went on. Every time he made plans with her I found a way to make him stay or I made sure that I sent him exhausted to her. The messages became less and less frequent and the passion and excitement subsided. Soon answering her became more of a chore. The complaining started and him pulling away. He was happier at home and he couldn’t wait to come home. He started texting me again during the day. The sweetest texts of how he missed me. He was his old self back.

One day what I hoped and waited patiently for happened. He ended things with her. He told her that he loved me and that now everything was great again. Her services weren’t needed in other words. I felt relief and finally I could move on.

Now I am preparing for my divorce. He will get the papers the day I leave for my new life in my new apartment. I know I will get a lot of hate for this because I have neglected my husband and pushed him to seek solace in another woman’s arms when I apparently could given him what he sought all along and believe me I will bear the guilt for the rest of my life. In my defense, I didn’t do it intentionally. Our lives had just been altered drastically and I was trying to navigate this new and exciting existence. I was immersed in this new kind of happiness that I thought I was sharing with him. And I was trying to get to know my new body, that I couldn’t recognize anymore. A real scary feeling. But he could have come to me with his hurt. He could have talked to me about his suffering. He could have tried to make me understand but he chose not to. He decided to deceive me. Deceive us. He ruined our love our future and even our history. Nothing was is or will be the same again.

Comments

Scribb74

I just hope you took tonnes of screenshots of those texts. This isn't petty revenge but nuclear revenge, and I for one ain't mad at you. Revenge is best served cold, and this is ice cold. All the best to you and your little one in your new life. Looking forward to the update.

RabbitFromBrazil

Cheating on your postpartum wife is so dirty that I can't even describe it. It's rubbish, someone despicable, and capable of much worse things than cheating.

Significant_Cat_3

I’m commenting kind of early on, but I love how people so far are basically like “ngl I love this for you,” which same here lol.

In all seriousness it’s hard to leave a partner with a new baby, and I know that prepping for and starting a divorce isn’t exactly easy and I’m glad you used that time wisely.

He had no problem pretending everything was all good when he was cheating, why should you not return the favor? He set the standard here.

Moving out April 1st. Probably the cruelest April fool I could play on my dear husband - 7 days later

He always loved April Fool. I feel a lot of guilt and guilt related pain. I know what I am doing is so cruel but I guess I will just keep going with my plans. There’s no turning back now. Whenever I feel shit like I am the bad guy I just remember their conversations. No I am not the villain here!

I will end the marriage and I will tell him that it is because we aren’t compatible anymore. Let him think whatever. I have decided maybe I shouldn’t tell him that I know about her. Let him run back to her once he realizes that I am really gone.

When my baby is older, we could tell him that we got an amicable divorce. No hurt or hard feelings. Two people who fell out of love. My boy doesn’t need to know his daddy broke up the family.

It is ok you can hate me.

Comments

patdashuri

“The joke is our marriage, this is just the punchline.”

That’s a free one. You can have it.

An_Old_IT_Guy

Why are you feeling guilty? He's the one who cheated and is reaping what he sowed.

OOP: Because I am bitterly plotting behind the scenes and won’t give him a chance to apologize or explain

BawseGal23

He didn't give you a heads up on his cheating did he ?

OOP: No he didn’t

I have left my husband and filed for divorce. I am starting to think that it’s not so bad and that I will be alright - 2 months later

Well hello and sorry for being so absent. I know that I promised an update once I got out but I have been so busy adjusting to my new life. I have received hundreds of have you moved out?? and *is there an update??*dms and comments. I hope everyone who asked sees this because I have no possibility to answer each and every one. Also I don’t know how many times I am allowed to update here, hopefully this is ok.

I did exactly as I planned. I moved out after I left my husband divorce papers. I told him that I wasn’t in love with him anymore and that I think we are better off as co parents than as a couple. That I have found a new place and he could buy me out of our current home or sell the property once the divorce is finalized. He was in a total shock but probably not the same shock I was in when I found out that he was cheating on me.

He literally asked if I hit my head and even was telling people that he was worried that I had brain tumor. He was very angry in the beginning and wanted answers. No answer was good enough Is there someone else? No, dear husband! There isn’t someone else, but there isn’t you either. The audacity of that man! I reminded him that we still had our son and to think about him before acting vindictive. Sure enough he kept it civil around our son. One thing he kept asking is why and how long ago I have stopped loving him. He didn’t get any answers from me.

Other than that, everything has been fine with me. I am adjusting well. I still miss him but at the same time I feel like I could finally breathe. I feel like I have been living on shallow breathing for the past months and now I could take full breaths. Our families are very sad and mostly shocked but honestly they have been very understanding. There’s no bad reason for divorce. Wanting divorce is a good enough reason for them. To want to separate, to not want to be with your partner.

My ex in laws are still very active in my son’s life and they have been very cordial if yet a bit cold towards me. That represented itself when about 2 weeks ago, my mother in law in a bit passive aggressive tone told me that my husband has started seeing someone. She apologized immediately and said that she just wanted me to know and be prepared that he had someone new and yet I couldn’t help but hear some vindication in her voice. I just answered oh! Do you mean Karen?(I gave the mistress this name for obvious reasons). She looked shocked and asked me did you know? Did he talk to you about it? I said oh no but she isn’t new I told her that he has been sleeping with her since I just had given birth, maybe even before that.

I kept my voice very quiet and monotone like we were discussing the weather. I was already regretting my slip but the news that he started seeing Karen again, while very much anticipated, still made my heart hurt. My mother and father in law just looked at each other. I don’t know if they believed me but then how would I have known about Karen when I have refused to see him in person since our break up?

So now everyone knows anyway and I have learned that you can’t keep these things to yourself indefinitely. Since he found out he has been called and apologizing every day. Why didn’t you tell me?, how much did I hurt you? He said that he loved me and never stopped loving me. That he was so sorry for everything and that he would do anything to have me back as his wife. My mother in law apologized too even though she had no control over what her grown up son did or does. It’s not her fault. He writes that he loves me every night before bed. I hope this doesn’t mean that he would make the divorce drag out because then I have failed my plan but he seems to be less forgiving of the divorce when he knew that he was the reason for it than when he thought it was mine. Weird.

The divorce is still processing and if anything major happens I will be here again if I haven’t outstayed my welcome already.

Ciao

Comments

GnomesinBlankets

I don’t even think you should regret the slip. It’s good that everyone knows what really happened, it’s good he can’t twist the story, and it’s awesome that everyone now knows his new gf is actually the woman who helped him ruin his marriage. He loves you so much but didn’t even grieve the marriage before dating her? Yea no. And you’re way too nice on your ex MIL, she purposely tried to hurt you by even mentioning it. She can eat shit too

UnquantifiableLife

I am not a mother. But I feel like there is a special pain in your former daughter in law telling you the boy you raised is a cheater and ran to his mistress to "legally" get with her the second he could. He's not coming back from that anytime soon.

It may have been said in error, but I think the outcome is perfect.

OOP: Yeah she was devastated but nothing compared to his father. They are not on speaking terms still

lowkeyhobi

I would send these love messages to Karen

OOP: I think being her is the worst punishment there is

lowkeyhobi

Truly. Now that he knows you knew about her he will always resent her in the back of his mind and you will always be that one that got away. Wishing you a smooth divorce and all the best

OOP: They are not together anymore. It ended a couple of days after he got busted.

Hopefully he is single fr a while or at least ha the sense of not introducing a new partner until he is serious in the relationship

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . He posted in .

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7.

Mood Spoiler: tentatively happy

Meme Spoiler: the Iranian yogurt was not the issue here

Editor's spoiler 3: reading through all 105 of OOP's comments/replies made this go from "oh, nice palate cleanser" to "sometimes I hate reddit"

Original : May 28, 2024

I recently celebrated my birthday, and a large portion of my gifts were, by request, Amazon gift cards. I added the balance of each card to our account and ordered an item, and had some funds left over. Today I went to order a few more items only to discover that my gift card balance was $0.00. I was confused and surprised, and at first thought something had gone wrong. Maybe I ordered more than I meant to with my first purchase...and then I remembered my wife had placed an order for some items for our kids the day before. I checked the order details and sure enough, she used the remainder of my gift cards on those items. It was everyday stuff like mouthwash, toothpaste, deodorant, etc.

I asked her if she realized she had used my gift cards for this purchase and she said yes and that “we might as well, better than paying out of pocket.” I expressed annoyance since that money was for my use and not to use towards everyday items, to which she replied “So just buy what you want and pay out of pocket, it’ll all come out even” I understand...if she hadn’t used the gift cards we would have paid for those items out of pocket and we’ll end up spending the same amount anyway. Yet something still bothered me about it, mostly because she used the money without informing me, leading to my momentary confusion when I went to place an order. It also just seems somewhat rude to use someone’s birthday money for everyday things, especially without telling them first.

I wasn’t angry, just mildly annoyed and I asked her, in the future, to not use my gift cards for her own orders. It’s simple enough to uncheck the box that says “use gift card balance” and if, as she says, it doesn’t matter in the end, then just don’t use the gift cards. Call it irrational or illogical but when I buy something I want but don’t exactly need (some aesthetic upgrades for my PC in this case) I feel way more guilty about buying them when it’s coming out of pocket versus being covered by a gift card. Again, I realize that it’s six of one, half a dozen of the other but mentally it just *feels* different, and now I feel less inclined to spend the money. I’m the one in the family who always watches our budget and manages the money, so my frugal side is saying to let the gift card cover the stuff we need and skip the stuff I want but at the same time, I know that’s not fair.

Meanwhile, my wife is now angry with me for “whining” and “making a big deal out of nothing” when I simply expressed some mild annoyance and asked that I be allowed to use my own money in the future. She’s now talking about opening her own bank account and never ordering from Amazon again to avoid this, which A. wouldn’t solve anything because a separate bank account has nothing to do with Amazon orders (we use an Amazon credit card) and she obviously doesn’t need to stop ordering altogether...just simply don’t use someone else’s gift cards going forward.

Am I really being unreasonable by making this request?

Relevant Comments (OOP has over 100. I tried to choose a spread but there were a LOT of opinions and many were people making up things about OOP and his wife.)

Commenter: NTA Perhaps next time keep the gift cards in your wallet and upload them when you plan to use them on your purchases. Wife just looks at it as "free" money for the family budget.

OOP: Yeah, good point. I had thought I was going to use it all at one time but needed to wait before ordering a few items (had to take some measurements first) and before I could do that, she'd used the remaining balance.

Commenter: Unless they have changed things, gift card balances automatically upload and it’s hard to not use them. Get a separate account.

OOP: The problem with a separate account is that we pay for Prime, and I'd really rather not pay for that twice if I can help it.

Commenter: Yes, you can share a prime membership with your spouse too. That’s what I did until we cancelled. There’s no reason not to have separate Amazon accounts.

OOP: I wasn't aware that was possible, I'll look into that. It would solve the issue of us buying gifts for each other and telling the other to stop paying attention to Amazon notifications for a few days. 😄

Commenter (part of a longer comment): Also, out of curiosity, is the amount she spent totally equivalent to the gift cards? Because if she spent even a little over the gift cards, then some money also came from the shared pot. And if you don’t spend as much as she did, how do you keep track of what you have left?

OOP: She went over the balance by $1.47. I didn't bother bringing that up because I knew she'd point out that's hardly anything. Her defense is that I can still buy whatever I want and we'll have still spent (roughly) the same amount out of pocket, which is true...but to me it's just the principle of the thing. She could have just as easily unchecked "Use gift card balance" when she placed the order and it also contradicts her "better to use the gift cards than pay out of pocket" reasoning for why she used them.

Commenter: I mean honestly the way my husband and I do our budget, it absolutely comes out in the wash because his Fun Money category world have gotten that amount and I’d have used the GC without batting an eye. I don’t like to leave money in the Amazon account. BUT the second my husband expressed annoyance at that, I’d apologize and not do it again. Because it doesn’t matter and so respecting his feelings costs me nothing. If she’d done that there would be N A H

OOP: Yeah, it seems like her default reaction to me being upset by anything is to...be upset with me. There is rarely, if ever, the realization that "Hey, maybe I did something wrong here." It's usually more like "He's wrong for feeling that way about what I did." Everything gets flipped around to where I'm the bad guy.

Commenter: What sort of reaction would she have if you bought something selfish and fun for yourself from family funds? With the gift card balance separate, you have a gift still. Without it, you have to remember that you’re supposed to still have a gift, and insist on chasing it down.

TBH her reaction is so over-the-top that it makes it look a lot more like she was pulling something. If it’s just an innocent “well money is fungible” issue then why is she acting like you’ve made a terrible accusation?

OOP: She'd be really irritated and accuse me of wasting our money. As it is, she made a comment about the item I bought already with the gift cards before this happened, something along the lines of "You needed more stuff for that?"

I was pretty surprised by her reaction, and I'm wondering if something happened at work that had her on edge and me bringing this up pushed her over it. She has a history of not apologizing for things she's objectively done wrong but her reaction to hang up, refuse my calls and start talking about opening her own account/never using Amazon again were just really, as you said, over-the-top.

Commenter: It sounds like she’s acting throughout that those gift cards aren’t really gifts for you, but instead family funds that should be budgeted and used the same way. But people got you those gifts, as contributions to those things that you want. They didn’t just hand over cash for your family budget.

Are funds tight, so that the family budget actually needs additional money? Are there other things that money is being used for that might be more difficult if those expenses didn’t come out of your cards?

OOP: Things are a little tight temporarily due to a trip we took for our anniversary that exceeded our budget a bit, but nothing along the lines of "we either feed the kids or pay the water bill but not both" tight. And our Amazon orders go on a credit card that wouldn't come due until next month anyway so its not like not using the gift card would have immediately impacted us.

Commenter: Do you always pay attention to what form of payment is attached to an Amazon purchase? Did you let her know that you’d put your gift cards on your shared account? Or did she have a subscribe a save order for every day home items that all of you use to take care of your household and maybe just clicked checkout without noticing because she had no reason to notice? When’s the last time you bothered to pay attention to the fact that your children needed toothpaste?

OOP: I do pay attention, and we rarely have gift cards to the point that yes, she knew that any in our account were emine from my birthday.

The kids don't need toothpaste, she just saw a good deal and was stocking up. Not sure why you assume I was neglecting my children's dental needs or something. 😄

Commenter: I would say NAH for a slightly different reason. When you have a gift card balance with Amazon, the payment always defaults to the gift card first. You have to really think it through and take extra steps to not use the gift card. I just mentally keep track of what I've spent for myself and consider that to be my gift.

OOP: And if she had said "oh whoops, sorry I didn't mean to use your gift card for that stuff!" I never would have thought to make this post. But she instantly got defensive and accused me of making a big deal out of it when all I was asking was for her to not do that again.

Commenter: Honestly it doesn’t sound like he’s upset about the gift cards specifically, it sounds like he was mildly miffed about them and is now upset over her reaction to his being miffed. Which is totally fair, if a life partner doesn’t care that they’ve hurt you, that’s messed up. Even if it is something small and silly. And I’m not even saying she needs to rectify the situation, but a simple “oh I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it would bother you and I won’t do it without asking again” is literally all it would’ve taken to make the whole situation better.

OOP: This. I was at most mildly annoyed because I was looking forward to spending the gift cards only to find the balance was zero. I simply asked her if she had used them on purpose because I assumed it was done by mistake. She told me she knew she had used them (it wasn't clear yet whether she used them intentionally or used them accidentally but was fine with it. I later confirmed that it was the former) and I expressed that I'd rather my gift cards weren't used for everyday items, and would prefer that not happen again. That's when she blew up on me, started talking about opening separate accounts and then hung up on me. It was that completely out of left field reaction hat prompted me to post here because I honestly didn't think bringing it up was going to be a big deal.

Commenter: YTA. I'd do the exact same thing as your wife, "Might as well clean up this balance". Then I'd expect you to just buy your stuff later. It's all the same money. No matter how you feel about the symbolism, it IS all the same money. Your wife is running a household and doesn't need to be responsible to gatekeep your weird guilt about spending the amount you were given for your birthday.

Also, don't you guys talk? Like you talk about what you're buying with your birthday $? You talk about how there's an extra balance left while you go measure stuff, please dont use it? You talk about how you'll get back to the balance in a few days to finish your order? If you talked to her, she wouldn't have to read your mind.

OOP: A. She doesn't "run the household," I do. I work from home, pay the bills, take/pick the kids up to/from school, make them dinner and take them to extra-curriculars. She...goes to work and occasionally makes dinner if I'm out with the kids at the aforementioned extra-curriculars. She has basically zero responsibilities outside of going to work. She has a fairly stressful job in a medical field so I take on what I can so she doesn't have much to worry about. That, and she's not great with money while I am pretty detailed.

B. We talk, but I just hadn't mentioned that I had yet to use my gift cards yet. I got them on Sunday and it's only now Tuesday. She knew I had placed one order but could have easily seen I still had some leftover. I've never had to tell her to not use up my gift card balance on other stuff before, had no inclination I had to do so now. There shouldn't be any mind-reading necessary to know that I would want to spend my own birthday money.

One more comment from OOP:

It's not a matter of things that shouldn't be shared, but things that simply wouldn't because I'm the only one who would use them. For example, my kids would have very little use for new fans for my PC seeing as they don't seem to have much interest in improving its thermal dissipation performance. I let them use the PC occasionally, but buying the fans is really only something that interests me. And IMO I'm allowed to use my gift card money to buy something that interests me and me alone.

Can I buy them with our actual money? Of course. The issue was that I considered the money that as gifted to me to be mine to do with as I pleased, and it was used in a way I wasn't expecting. If roles were reversed and I was placing an order for an everyday item and my wife's gift card had been applied, I'd have taken the step to remove it and pay for the item with the credit card. yes, it's purely symbolic, but that's hers to spend, not mine and it's a simple, single click of the mouse to not use it. If I'm unsure whether she's going to use it today or a month from now, all I have to do is ask her.

It's the same mentality that should be applied to any gift. The fact that the gift was money is irrelevant IMO. The fact that it was gifted to me specifically is.

Update (Same Post): May 29, 2024 (Next Day)

UPDATE: We sat down and talked about this after the kids went to bed and cleared the air. She started of still really adversarial about it but we eventually got down to the real issue and our disconnect in terms of how we believe gift cards like mine can and should be used.

First of all, she was irritated with me because she was having a tough day at work and claimed my bringing this up "ruined her lunch break" as it didn't allow her to relax. I'd only brought it up because her lunch breaks are our only chance to talk during the work day, and I had only meant to verify that she knew she had used by gift cards and nothing more. I call her on her lunch break every day, and this topic just happened to come up in conversation. I didn't call specifically to talk about this.

She was also irritated because she didn't understand why I would even be mildly annoyed because it just seemed logical to her to use the balance since we were placing the order now versus the money sitting there until I eventually ordered something. She knew I had ordered something already but didn't know when I'd be using the rest (and neither did I, really) so she figured...why not just use it? She didn't consider it "my money" anymore once it was in the account and figured I would be fine with ordering whatever and putting it on the credit card.

This mostly stems from the fact that she uses her own gift cards, usually Target and Costco but sometimes Amazon, whether received from work or from family and friends for birthdays and Christmas, for things we need versus things for herself. I wasn't aware of this, mostly because she knew if she told me I would insist she treats herself rather than spend the money on necessities. She assumed I would be okay with using mine in the same manner.

In the end we realized we simply have different thoughts about how gift cards should be used, and in the future she'll ask first before using any gift card balances, and I'll simply only input them into the account as I use them versus loading them all in at once. Both of those changes together should prevent this from happening again. Best of all, we were able to end the evening on a happy note, no longer irritated at each other. She saw I had the item in the cart I had wanted and placed the order for me.

UPDATE 2: We just set up her own Amazon account and linked it to our Prime Membership, so this will not be an issue again in the future. It will mainly help keep gifts a surprise when we order things for each other or have the kids pick things for us, but it will also avoid anyone using the other's gift card like this going forward.

Relevant Comments:

OOP clarifies:

Yes, I called her for our normal lunch time talk and happened to bring this up offhand, which caused her to get upset and hang up on me. I called back once, she sent it straight to voicemail. I guess it's technically true that I "called multiple times" but the first call wasn't specifically about this topic, and the second call was because she abruptly hung up on me.

Commenter: And that he brought this up to her on her lunch break at her high stress medical field job. Then he thinks that she hung up on him and isn't taking his calls, only to say later that it was a stressful day for her at work, and she was unaware of all that. I wonder if it is like at my job? I lose service in certain areas..

Also, he didn't call her multiple times, but his calls were going directly to voicemail.. She doesn't want him to buy his hobby stuff, but went ahead and bought the hobby things in the cart so he didn't have to worry about the mentality of cash vs. gift card. He states that he does the household stuff and does most of the mental load, but was unaware that she bought necessities with her own gift cards, which of course she must have been deliberately hiding from him, since he would have encouraged her to use them for herself if he knew. 🤦‍♀️

OOP: For what it's worth, her job is not usually stressful. She simply was having a stressful day due to being unusually short-staffed. You also keep insinuating that I called her with the specific intent of complaining about this when in reality we were talking about a wide range of things like what happened last night on Bridgerton and how funny the reel was she sent me earlier.

During that I simply brought up. Hey I noticed you used my gift card balance to buy the kids stuff, was that on purpose?" And the rest is history. She got mad, hung up and I called back once which went straight to voicemail. That's it. You can paint a picture that I angrily called her and chewed her out for using my gift card while she had patients dying all around her or something and then called back repeatedly when she hung up, but that's far from the truth. Especially since patients typically don't die at an eye doctor's office.

Commenter: Guess what?? That already happens. [wife paying for things with gift cards] She uses her gift cards for all the household needs. OP was so oblivious he didn't realize this. That's why she thought it was okay.

OOP: I'm not oblivious, she purposefully didn't tell me because she knew I'd insist she treat herself rather than spend the money on household items. I know, I'm a monster.

Commenter: So yes...... You were oblivious. You didn't notice her spending her gifts on you and your kids. You and bunch of people dragged her on here calling her evil and selfish.

In your update you said you guys talked and worked it out....but seriously...how do you think your made her feel in that moment?? Even if she moved on from it and let it go later.... That stings and stinks OP.

OOP: If someone keeps information from you, it's not due to you being oblivious, it's due to them purposefully keeping that information from you. It's not due to lack of attention, it's due to the other person withholding information.

I never called her evil or selfish, nor have I seen anyone call her evil. It's hardly under my control if someone feels she was being selfish.

What exactly "stings and stinks"? We talked and agreed that we had different views on how GCs should be used and found a solution. From all indicators, she felt perfectly fine after our talk

Commenter (downvoted): NTA, but your wife is for trying to invalidate your feelings and gaslighting you into thinking you are the issue here.

OOP: This is the one thing we talked about tonight that didn't get resolved, unsurprisingly because she's been like this as long as I've known her. She could do something 100% objectively wrong but if I get angry, I'm the bad guy for getting angry. She either has an excuse, blames me or someone else for what she did, points out a time I did something similar, or all of the above.

Commenter: Did you show your wife this post yet? And let her read every comment on here?

OOP: I can't say I would show her every post here because there's a lot I don't agree with and wouldn't want her to read. I might agree with certain things, but definitely not all. But nothing I've said here is anything I haven't already said to her.
I'm pretty sure that's not a normal thing people do with their posts here, though. "Hey I asked Reddit if I'm the asshole in this situation and a bunch of them said no but that you are!" I'm pretty sure nobody does that...

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Ongoing as per OOP

Thanks to for finding this BORU

2 updates - Long

- 19th May 2024

- 20th May 2024

- 21st May 2024

Aita for losing my shit on my husband on the day of his family reunion?

I’m a 35 y.o f married to a 38 y.o. Man. We have been together for 10 years and have 2 children 9 and 5. My husband works very hard he has multiple jobs he works throughout the week. Recently we had a discussion about taking time off and spending some time together. It is difficult because of things in his past he accumulated a lot of debt which is why he works so much.

I work 60+hrs a week and take care of the household and childcare things while much of his income goes to paying his debts. I keep up with the household I do the house work, and lawn work, repairs etc and he contributes where he can. With in this year he has taken time off for family and co-worker events. He has scheduled time to take trips with his friends, and when he does so I’m the designated baby sitter.

Many days after he gets home he is responsible for his parents. He takes them grocery shopping fixes things at their household and does some of their housework. I forgot to mention he is one of 5 and all 4 siblings live close to his parental home. His parents assist in child care for his siblings but not for ours.

I’ve told him my frustrations of being consistently placed on the back burner. The other day I lost it, I found out he invited his family to our house for a family reunion last week. I thought he took time off of work and he didn’t. The house was a mess, and most of the mess is his. I was expected to clean the house, get the groceries, run the kids to their weekend events.

Start cooking and get the reunion set up as he set the time for 4pm the time he gets out of work. The kids are helpful in doing their chores and cleaning their rooms. I got the house clean and by the time his family started pouring in I was stewing as he was at work. He asked me why there weren’t any clean towels as he was going to take a shower and I freaked out in front of his whole family.

I ran down the list of how I am always on the back burner for “these people” how I am one person and I’m the one contributing to the household while he works just to pay off his debts, how I have no security or support in this relationship and that he is like having another child and that all I feel like I’m worth is an occasional fuck whenever he is in the mood. I let it all out.

I ended with im done, I packed a bag and I took off. I’m sat in a parking lot hysterical. And no the kids weren’t present they were outside playing. He is a good father to the kids but as a husband I feel like I am better off by myself. I have so much resentment towards him. And no he hasn’t called he texted me “loud and clear” which made me even more angry because THIS IS EXACTLY HOW HE DEALS WITH EVERYTHING! I’m now feeling like an asshole for going off and saying all I did especially in front of his family. Aita?

Comments

VegetableBusiness897

Sooooo

Tell him to move in with his parents while he pays off his debt. That way he can care for them, hang with his friends, take the kids on the weekends and do whatever he wants to do with no consideration of you.

Then you can enjoy your home children and weekends to relax all with and one less giant child to care for.

And then when his debts are paid, you two can sit down and decide if the best course of action is separated lives.

NTA

Top_Put1541

Seriously, his parents have been fine with exploiting you so they can benefit from the fruit of Sonny Boy’s life, they can have their defective son back.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 1 day later

Update wow oh wow! Thank you all for all the advice, the kind words and some kick in the pants type of support. I came here to see if I was the asshole and was body slammed with a lot of harsh truths. I’m not going to lie, much of it was cathartic to hear that I’m not the asshole and it hurts to hear that I am being taken advantage of. So, here’s where I’m at.

After the “loud and clear” text I was bombarded with phone calls and texts from his family. I sent a message to my husband to give me some space and if he had any care for me and this relationship to call off his dogs. I put my phone on do not disturb with the exception of my children’s ipad. I had called my mother, sent her some money and she picked them up for a special grandma date/sleep over.

Once they were there I face timed them and told them I was working. I’m not working. I had a secret rainy day fund and splurged on a nice hotel and spa day, had a few drink, cried my eyes out some more and just spent the day unplugged and journaled all my feelings. (I haven’t had time to do any of that in a very long time). After that I mustered up the courage to open Reddit and read my fate and wow was I surprised! I was fully expecting a ton of “you ARE the asshole” comments.

To clear up a few things. I shamefully do not know the lengths of his debts, much of it was from his parents putting bills in his name, others is just mismanagement of money credit cards etc. I took over the finances after I found a letter in the mail saying that we were going to lose the house. I was contributing to the household bills at the time and he was doing the finances. I trusted things were well.

This was after marriage and after kids. We went to counseling because of it and he said he was ashamed and afraid to tell me the truth. I took over about 3 years ago and I told him to focus on clearing his debt and I’d hold the household down while he did. I did not expect it to take this long and with inflation everything has just become more expensive and that much more hard for me.

I was supposed to go back to school and that was put on hold so I could catch up on what we were behind, hence the working 60+ hours. Im a nurse and I work 12hr shifts and capitalize on overtime where I can. I agree with the comment saying im burnt out, I realized this today. I realized at work or at home im constantly in critical thinking care giver mode.

My job is to care and problem solve for everyone but myself. To clear up the comment of his family doesn’t watch our kids is because they did so one time and threw it in our faces and I said never again. I see how they use him, I have said something before and he returns with “one day they won’t be here and I’ll wish I could have done more.” I told him that’s fine but you have siblings that are equally responsible, some that don’t have spouses or kids that can contribute.

As far as the house and things go he does really help when he can (don’t jump on me I just want to be truthful) I think it came across that he comes home and does nothing, he just works up to 16 hours 7 days a week so a lot of times it’s me doing the majority of it. As far as the trips goes… yeah…. That’s a sore spot…He tells me about them, he takes the day off, it pisses me off.

I have to BEG for time and if and when we do get it we end up in a fight or I have to plan everything or we can’t get sitters and sit home and he sleeps all day. And to be honest I’m so full of resentment that it’s almost too little too late. Like when I’m around him I’m just so pissed off! He says I always have an attitude and that he’s trying but nothing is ever good enough.

So, I just stopped and accepted my fate, hence the blow up. I haven’t spoken to him yet besides telling him to call off his family, he was part of the dnd on my phone. I’m enjoying the peace, I’m enjoying being by myself, and just being present and aware of my feelings. Knowing my kids are safe and I can truly take some time for myself and my mental health right now is everything.

I know tomorrow I have to go back to reality and deal with everything. I promise to update when I can. I’m sorry to leave you all hanging if this isn’t the update you had hoped for. I just want to enjoy this escape a little while longer while I can before my world implodes. Thank you all and please keep the advice coming, I truly am alone on this one and need all the advice and support I can get.

Comments

recyclopath_

Every single day he is lighting you on fire to keep his parents warm. It's a choice he is making. If he had his way he would have made your children homeless.

He won't even tell you the extent of the debts and you stayed with him. What the fuck are you doing?

How do you know he stopped over spending? How do you know his parents aren't taking out more debt in his name?

How can you trust him?

He won't even tell you the extent of the damage.

You are killing yourself for him. You are not able to be fully present for your children for him. He can't even be honest with you.

Update - 1 day later

Update Thank you all again for all the advice. I woke up this morning with a clear head. I’m still upset, and disappointed. I had tons of voicemails from his family, I don’t have the energy to listen through them all. I don’t care, like I said I’m angry but I also feel embarrassed.

I did call my husband this morning. I could tell by his voice he didn’t sleep last night and he confirmed that he in fact did not. He told me after the blow up he asked everyone to leave. He was surprised to see my mother as I sent her to pick up the kids. He said that’s when it really became real.

We had a long conversation. I did apologize for exploding and doing so when I did and not communicating better. He said he understands why I felt like I couldn’t and was actually glad it happened the way it did. His family finally got to see how much they affected his home. According to him, after I left he laid into them and told them that he can no longer be the only one to help his family out and that a lot of the mess he’s in is their fault. He said that after the blow up he told his siblings they need to step up and help with his parents.

His parents were obviously upset with the whole ordeal. I couldn’t care less to be honest. They couldn’t believe that they are “such a burden because they ask for a little help from time to time”. I just rolled my eyes in disgust as he was talking.

My new space along with my feelings of hurt and anger just let me speak all my truths. I had nothing left to give or lose so I told him how I felt about everything. He sat in silence for a while, then finally broke down and said he feels like a failure. He’s ashamed of the debt, and how much he has let us down. He said he was exhausted and has been feeling depressed because he couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and feels as though he’s ruined our future. That he goes out with his friends to feel “normal and himself” because all he does is work. That he does this because of this black cloud that’s been hanging over him.

I wasn’t my best self in this moment and told him to save me the self pity it’s pathetic. That he got himself into this mess and I’m digging him out. I’m fucking depressed too, there’s a ton of shit I want to do that I can’t do because I’m financially unable to do so. I went off how over the past 3 years his income has gone solely to debt repayment yet there’s no end in sight, because I haven’t even seen the so called debt! I’ve given him my all and as much support as I could gather but I’m angry. This isn’t the life I pictured or set myself up for either. It’s not the life my kids deserve, Ive missed out on so much because I’m working or I’m cleaning or I’m just so tired I can’t even open my eyes. I told him he has no one to blame but himself.

I think my disdain was concerning. He said he will show and prove, that he will print out his credit report and list out all the debt he has along with all his pay stubs and bank records and the receipts of what’s paid off and whatever else I want as far as his finances are concerned. He promised me my hard work was not in vain and that he is almost debt free. Come to find out his parents opened credit cards and bills in his name when he was younger and accrued close to 100k of debt in his name, not including interest, they trashed his credit and that’s why it has taken so long.

According to him, he has been fighting with the collection companies to settle, trying to consolidate or get a lower interest as it was multiple companies and debts. What I didn’t know is some were so bad his wages were being garnished. He was in tears and said he didn’t know how to tell me, that he didn’t even know the extent of what they did. He was basically working all these hours with nothing to take home to us and accruing more debt just to survive. I stayed silent. My blood was boiling. He didn’t even realize he just helped me make my decision.

He jokingly said my outburst took care of the family situation and that is why he texted me “loud and clear” meaning he and they got the message I told him I didn’t find it funny. It’s a shame that it took an outburst from me for everyone to hear what I’ve been saying all along. That he’s an idiot for not filing charges on his parents and just taking it up the ass and allowing it to ruin my life and the children we created lives. I told him he’s apíñeles and I feel so stupid! He said he didn’t call me because he knew how mad I was and was scared he would say the wrong thing and say things just like that.

I thanked him for the honesty and the conversation and told him I am so broken angry and hurt right now that I can’t even pick up my pieces let alone his. Right now I need to clear my head. He said he’s willing to do whatever it takes to turn this around, he even suggested marriage counseling. He told me he used his PTO and took the rest of the week off to work on this. I lost it and sobbed uncontrollably. If it was that easy to take time off, why now and not then? I asked him why didn’t I matter before we got here? Why now? I told him he needs the time off to find counseling both personal and legal. That I won’t be coming home.

He asked me if I was serious, he begged me to rethink my decision. He said all the things I’ve been wanting to hear. He asked me where I was going to go, and what about the kids and the house and the bills. That I couldn’t tear the kids from the only home they know. I simply replied I know this is what needs to be done and I’ve already set the ball in motion. He hung up on me.

I cried then went to get the kids. We are going to have a wonderful week in a somewhat fancy hotel and swim in the pool and order room service and make some memories. I took some of the money I had saved in my rainy day fund and extended my hotel stay to include me and the kids. I have an awful lot to catch up on with them. The look on their faces when I said “no mommy doesn’t have to work tonight was priceless” I also have an appointment with legal consultants tomorrow. Hopefully I can talk to a lawyer and figure out what’s next. Wish me luck everyone and thanks again.

Comments

HelpStatistician

make sure the lawyer knows what the debt situation is and try to get a credit report, make him send you the log in not just a screenshot so you can see his ENTIRE credit history. Show your lawyer which ones you indicted were fraud. 100k would put your kids through university, that's a house down payment! Not to mention interest!

He decided the family he came from is more important than the family he made with you so you're going to put yourself and your kids first now.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

- 1st June 2024

- 4th June 2024

AITAH for ruining my 16 year old daughters birthday because she bullied her stepsister

I (42m) have a 16 year old bio daughter Emma with my ex wife Katie and a step daughter (16) Sarah with my fiancé zoey

Both I and zoey having been dating 2 years and moved in together in January .Zoey and Sarah moved 20 miles from their home town which isn't far but it meant Sarah had to leave her friends behind,Emma and Sarah seems to have a great relationship at the start with Emma introducing Sarah to her friend group.

In March Sarah turned 16 and wanted to have a sleep over with her old friends and she expressed that she didn't want Emma there. After a longer discussion Sarah opened up about Emma being too much and how she kept pushing the sister thing which at first Sarah went along with to keep the peace but now it was making extremely uncomfortable and wanted some distance. I understood and I apologised for not noticing something earlier that night I went over to Katie's home to speak to Sarah, Sarah was extremely upset and told Katie to return her birthday present I tried to comfort Emma but Katie told me to leave

Emma didn't come over that weekend and when I collected her the week after she barely spoke to me. Sarah tried to apologise and expaln but Emma walked passed her, since than she barely speaks to me and just flat out ignores Sarah but has a good relationship with zoey

This Sunday is Emma's 16th birthday and Katie is holding her a big sweet 16 party. Some of my family are coming from out of town for it and the ones who aren't have sent gifts/money. My niece and Emma were chatting at breakfast about all the gifts she got and how great her party will be I noticed sarah looking upset so when the girls left to get their nails done, sarah broke down and said Emma has been isolating her since her birthday apparently Emma told her friends to stop speaking to Sarah and the few friends Sarah had ditched her so emma would invite them to her party which Sarah isn't invited too. my niece kept rubbing in how Sarah barley got anything for her birthday compared to Emma which hurt Sarah because her dads side doesn't acknowledge her and zoey family isn't well off

When Emma came back I demand her to explain Emma said her friends choose her when she explained why she wouldn't be speaking to Sarah anymore and as for everyone else she can't control what others do, she than said I can't be mad about Sarah not being invited. i lost it at Emma and said there will be no party, I will be taking all of gifts which she will have to earn back and all her money will be donated to a charity for homeless teens and she will not be going to Disney with us in July, I wanted her to apologise to Sarah and first thing Monday I will be looking for a family therapist.

She said I couldn't do that because they were her things and her mother was holding the party I told her watch me. Emma locked herself into her room with some of her gifts and called her mother. Katie showed up at my house like a banshee screaming about me playing white knight for someone else's kid while neglecting mine and those gifts weren't mine to take. Katie ended up taking emma with some of her gifts home and told me stay away from Emma's party, emma didn't speak to me but told Sarah "you win he's your dad now but watch your back bitch"

Katie has blasted me on social media and my family said they want me to give emma the rest of her presents/money or I will be cut off completely. Sarah is extremely upset and is blaming herself which I told her it's not her fault it's Emma's for being a bully and Katie's for being an enabler

I tied contacting Emma but her step dad answered and told me she doesn't want to talk to me I've ruined her sweet 16th and she'll never forgive me

Was I wrong for punishing her and not giving back her gifts?

Comments

s-nicolexo

So it’s okay for Sarah to exclude Emma but not for Emma to exclude Sarah?

Frankly, I don’t know why anyone is surprised that Emma’s friends don’t talk to Sarah anymore after she convinced you to exclude Emma from her own home so she could celebrate her birthday.

Your ex is correct, you are white knighting for someone else’s kid.

Focus on your own child instead of your relationship with someone else and their kid.

YTA

Edit: also, why are you more concerned about how Sarah feels now than how Emma felt when she was effectively not welcome in her own home ?

OOP: Zoey was staying home with Sarah even tho emma invited zoey, I was never upset at Sarah not being invited to the party it’s how Emma went about it and isolating Sarah at school and laughing when my niece was being cruel to Sarah about her lack of gifts from family

DisasterLow3014

So Emma was suppose to be Sarah’s bff after she didn’t want her around for her party.

Either Sarah wants to be friends or she wants space. She can’t have it both ways!

Ty oh should be proud of your daughter for not Letting people use her. She is standing up for herself and not Letting Sarah use her(and yes she used her to have friends). At least your daughter has a backbone.

And be honest this is about the golden child(Sarah) getting her feelings hurt when she finds out the hard way you can’t use people when it’s convent.

**Judgement - YTA**

Update - 3 days later

Hello everyone I thought I'd give you a small update on the situation

Emma's birthday party went ahead I didn't attend nor did we speak till today. Zoey took all Emma's gifts the night I made the post and told me emma didn't deserve to be punished but she does deserve an apology.

Katie and her husband texted and called all Saturday and Sunday. I didn't answer I just sent one text to Katie that Monday I'd reach out to Emma because I wanted to have a one on one conversation with her. Katie didn't like this but I told her I wasn't arguing

Zoey and I talked all weekend about going forward we decided to tell both girls about zoey being pregnant today (monday) separately than we talked about Sarah. what I didnt mention in my last post is Sarah is on the autism spectrum along with other other mental health issues so making friends is extremely hard for her so that's why I was so hard on Emma because she knew and agreed to help her. My last post was never about not inviting Sarah to the party it was just Emma's behaviour towards Sarah caused my reaction.we will be moving back to zoeys home town which I said in the last post is only 20 miles away so there will be no issues with Emma custody time. I think it will be better for everyone and we decided to go to both individual and family therapy

Sarah is still upset and wants to apologise to Emma for causing trouble but we told her to wait a few weeks before trying but she also needs to respect Emma's boundaries and give her space.

Emma came over today she didn't show much emotion when I asked her to speak about everything, she said she saw a sister in Sarah and went out of her way to welcome her but Sarah couldn't even be honest with her and she sent me to do her dirty work, so she couldn't even be bothered to fight with Sarah about it so she just cut her off the only way she could. I said I understood about her friends choosing her over Sarah but I didn't think it was right to let Sarah's new Friends turn against her for a party invite. Emma said she didn't tell anyone do anything they made their own choices same goes for my niece and it's not her responsibility to fight Sarah's battles. I asked her did she think choose Sarah over her when I asked her stay at her moms the night of the sleepover she told me she did and it's gonna take a lot to change the way she feels but she's willing to give me another chance.

I brought up zoeys pregnancy and Emma took a few minutes to process everything than gave an extremely mature answer saying she's happy and hopes she'll finally get a sister (Kate's has two sons with her husband) but at the same time with everything that I did she can't fully trust me not to choose my new family over her Which hurt but I guess I deserved it.I apologised for everything and took accountability for my actions

I than spoke to Emma about the move which did upset because she thought she'd see me less but when I took her to the car I bought her for birthday with extra presents inside to make up for the weekend. emma was extremely happy because obviously she can visit when she wants after she gets her license.

We agreed to have a dinner just me and her at her every Friday. I told we needed Sarah talk more and if something is bothering her tell me she agreed so it's a very early start and baby steps hopefully in the right direction.

Unfortunately when zoey came home she told me Sarah didn't take the news well about the pregnancy and hasn't stop crying since so thats other issue to work on but zoey said Emma text congratulations so did Katie.

I want to make some things clear before people assume

Emma's mom already knows about the car I brought up the idea in January and she was with me when I collected it from the dealer in mid may.

We won't be moving till at least late august and yes emma will her own room to decorate how she wants

Emma will come over this weekend but she expressed she still doesn't want to talk to Sarah

Zoey is 7 weeks pregnant

Edit- I won't be commenting anymore especially to the misogynistic comments towards a minor but I'm gonna post the messages of you threatening to harm emma and Sarah.Emma just called me she been reading comments and told me stop wasting my time because these subs have a reputation for just hating on parents especially step parents and dads.

I guess everyone is mad no one got cut off, divorced or arrested like the usual stories on here guess no one was ready for a realistic outcome, thanks to some of you for the advice even the harsh advice for those of you who just came to call me, Sarah and zoey names you need to leave the house once and a while

Bye Reddit

Comments

star_b_nettor

I feel a lot of sympathy for Emma. None for you. It's not hard to see you chose a favorite, and it isn't even your own kid. You and Sarah were both bullies to Emma.

trialanderrorschach

Thank goodness Emma clearly has one parent who is helping her grow into a well-adjusted, thoughtful human. This is a deep scar in the making. OP seems to think this is a positive update but all I see is that Emma now knows she can't trust or rely on her father and when he disappoints her he'll try and distract her with a shiny thing so she gets over it.

OOP: I take full accountability for my actions I was in the wrong i can’t deny it did look like i favoured Sarah over emma which I’m not even gonna make excuses for because I can’t . Emma knows about this post because I showed her and she laughed at everyone’s comments “dragging me”

I messed up over the last few months with emma if it takes a lifetime I’ll try to make it up to her by both actions and words

2022wpww

Omg you are really doubling down on being an Ah. I was like I’m gonna read how you know you are dick, that you reflected decided that you have bad judgement and made bad decisions but no. You made and to continue to make so many mean hurtful decisions what an Ass.

You did favour a bully you reunion and will always be remembered for being a mean & nasty to your daughter. Family will look at the pics go where is father oh he was bulling his daughter laughing and being proud of the fact he made his own daughter cry. Your ex tried to reason with you and NO you still had to be the AH and do it your way!

Zoey daughter needs some help she has issues which have nothing to do with being on the autism spectrum she is nasty & hurtful girl even showed it with the new baby. She wanted to take you from your daughter she did those were and are fake tears I bet you knew that.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

As ever, I am NOT the original poster. That is . He originally posted in . His most recent update is posted directly to his account.

Trigger warning: child abuse, drugs, abandonment, leukemia, chemotherapy

Mood spoiler: optimism and hope amidst terrible trials

: September 15, 2023

Hi dads, when I (m32) was a teenager I dated a girl “K” One day K broke up with me out of the blue with no explanation. Fast forward 15ish years later. The police showed up at my apartment Long story short K was pregnant with my kid 15 years ago. She got charged with a bunch of drug charges and when they asked if her daughter could go to any family she said I was the dad. Well after a paternity test, I do have a 15 year old daughter with K.

So my daughter Is going to come live with me today. I'm not a “dad” I don't have kids or a significant other, just dogs. So I'm pretty clueless when it comes to being a dad or taking care of a kid especially one who's a teenager. After talking with her social worker, she says she's K was neglectful to my daughter and isn't going to be used to being taken care of or having structure which will be a big adjustment for her. The social worker says I need to be patient with her and just show her love and support even if she doesn't want it.

I have a room all ready for her in my apartment It is pretty basic because I didn't want to overwhelm her. So yeah she's coming today… just hoping for some support maybe some tips.

____________________

: September 19, 2023

I (32) posted on Friday that my daughter (15) was coming to live with me. Who I had no idea about until her mother went to jail on a bunch of drug charges. It has been a big adjustment for both my daughter and myself. I told her when I first picked her up that I know this is very new for both of us so I know it's going to take some time to adjust.

She has been through a lot from what I can tell. She's very underweight, and not used to constantly having meals. I put a snack bin in her room so she hopefully doesn't feel the need to hide food at least stuff that isn't supposed to be left out. I told her she could get food from the kitchen whenever she wanted but that seemed to overwhelm her so it's now a snack bin. I also have breakfast and dinner (lunch on weekends) at a consistent time so she just knows a meal is going to happen. She also has nightmares and screams, of course, she hasn't told me what they're about (I don't expect her to yet) but whatever it was it was it was traumatic for her. So I'm in the process of finding a therapist for her.

For some more positive things, I got her to open up enough to find out some things about her. Firstly, she loves my dogs we took them on a walk together. She's smart loves to read. And she likes to play basketball. I of course told her some stuff about me.she's pretty quiet and reserved. I expected her to not be really open with me considering I am a stranger to her. But things so far aren't too bad going relatively well.

____________________

: September 29, 2023

So probably a lot of you guys seen the post about me (m32) recently finding out about my 15 year old daughter and getting custody of her.

Well things have been going pretty good so far, today she was sitting in the kitchen doing homework and once she finished she started playing with my dogs but left a few papers out after putting the rest away I asked what those are she said oh just some test I had this week… I asked if I could see them. She said sure she had gotten A’s on 3 test (chemistry, history, and geometry) after being at the school for less than 2 weeks. I was honestly very impressed not because I don't think she's not smart but because She just started at a new school and is having big life adjustment. I told her that was amazing and ended up going on about how at her age I didn't care about the school aspect of school just cared about sports and my friends.

She said I enjoy learning and reading it helps me get away from life... Then it hit me it was her way of escaping from the assumingly not good life with her mom and focus her mind on something else like learning and reading. It honestly makes me really sad to think about…

____________________

: October 3, 2023

I (m32) have been posting on here kind of a lot recently. Basically, I recently not only found out but also got custody of my 15 year old daughter. Even though I don't know a lot just based on speculation her mom wasn't a good mother and the poor girl has been through a lot.

Earlier we were out to eat because I didn't feel like cooking and I found out my daughter never had tacos. So we went out for tacos, and we were having a very casual conversation until a mother with her two young daughters (I would say both girls under 10) came in you could just tell the girls were having fun with their mom and all 3 just clearly loved each other. Well, my daughter got quiet and kept staring at them. I didn't want to pry so I kept quiet. She didn't say anything until randomly on the drive home she said sometimes it's hard seeing girls have a good relationship with their mom… I get jealous because my mom and I never did. Then she started crying and let me know she wanted to be left alone the rest of the night.

It was hard seeing her cry and upset it is also difficult to know even though I'm now around in my daughter's life and I'm trying to be a good parent. she still spent the first 15 years of her life not having a good relationship with her mom and I can't fix that I wish I could but I can't which sucks because she didn't deserve to be neglected and possibly abused. I'm just in my feelings and really sad for my daughter.

____________________

, November 22, 2023:

I (m32) have shared here about my getting full custody of my daughter (15) who I did not know about. It has been a little over 2 months, she gives me a hard time honestly. I haven't yelled at her or anything like that I understand she's been through it we’re both in therapy to help.

Well, this whole week she has been really rude and arguing with me it has been very rough. During one of the arguments she ended up telling me some very personal stuff I'm not going to share but I will say she had a very rough start to life. I was trying my best to comfort her she seemed like she was having a panic attack.

We were just sitting in silence and she said you know you're pretty good at the whole dad thing for being a newbie. I laughed and said thank you and told her being her dad had been enjoyable… it was silent for a while but then she said thanks, Dad.

that made my whole year to be honest been having a bit of happy tears

____________________

, January 29, 2024

I (m32) have shared quite a few posts on here about finding out I had a teen daughter with an ex of mine. My daughter was also neglected and both physically and mentally abused by her mother. After drug charges, she came to live with me.

Things have been going well she even once referred/called me dad. We still have tough days but therapy has helped her a lot and I'm even in therapy now to help with this big life adjustment.

A little over a month ago my daughter started feeling fatigued, was losing weight (that sadly took a while for her to gain), and was pale and just seemed unwell. I was worried and started taking her to the doctors they were convinced it was just a bad cold that was going around. But it lasted way longer than any cold should. So I took her to other doctors. One recently decided to run some tests I honestly didn't know what would be wrong with her at certain points I figured I was a new dad and just over-worrying about my daughter.

Today we found out she has Leukemia… this poor girl has had such a tough life already and now this. I am pissed… I am upset… I am terrified. I've had family members go through chemo so I know it's no easy task and that'll mentally be hard on both of us. Extremely physically hard on my poor girl. She hasn't said much since we found out earlier this morning.

I would just like you guys to send good vibes/messages and possibly advice if you have any.

____________________

, March 1, 2024

I have shared a lot here about my daughter (f15). I didn't know about her until the police came to my door wondering if I could take her in. Her mother my ex was neglectful, mentally and sometimes physically abusive towards my daughter. I was just working on building a relationship with her and we were starting to get close.

A little Over a month ago she got diagnosed with cancer… leukemia specifically… life has not been fair at all to this poor girl. She has been doing inpatient chemo for almost a month now that's been rough. She's either quiet or verbally attacking me and taking her anger out on me. I haven't said much about that I understand she's angry I mean she's only 15 a sophomore in high school and has been through so much. She's been doing virtual therapy sessions with her therapist and talking to people at the hospital as well.

She's coming home in a few days she will hopefully he'll, be able to relax in her bed, she gets to see my dogs which she loves dearly. It's been mentally draining for both of us (mostly her I know ).

She lost most of the weight she was able to gain living with me (she was extremely underweight when she came to live with me) even with antinausea meds she just doesn't have an appetite right now. Chemo has made reading harder and she refuses to listen to audiobooks so she's grumpy about not reading since it's something that has always brought her comfort. And it's just clear she's upset and frustrated which is understandable and why I let her kind of get upset with me but I do let her know that what she says hurts me… but I know she's a teenager who has been hurt her whole life and now going through something extremely difficult.

____________________

(***NOTE: In this post, OOP shared a selfie of his daughter. As stated previously, please be respectful of OOP's show of good faith in sharing this with Reddit.)

, March 6, 2024

Hi everyone this is with permission from her I'm posting a picture of my daughter coming home from a month of inpatient chemo.

I'm the one who posts on here a lot about how I got my daughter who I didn't know about. My last post was about dealing with her new cancer diagnosis. She was super happy to be home, be able to lay/ sleep in her own bed, see our dogs.

I have been reading to her we (I) started the Divergent book series which is actually really good I've never read them before.

Since being home she has been in a better mood compared to being in the hospital but chemo / cancer has been still so mentally difficult on her. It's also been hard on me not in the same way of course but just because I love her and hate seeing her go through this especially after everything she's been through. She also tends to take her frustration out on me verbally which is okay… I know this is hard on her. She's only 15 and has been through a lot.

Anyway just wanted to give a bit of an update on everything.

____________________

NEW UPDATE: , May 28, 2024

Hi everyone! It's been a while. I have shared many posts about my 15 year old daughter who I didn't know existed until 8 months ago. It has been challenging especially with her getting diagnosed with cancer (leukemia).

Well, she has been so strong during this fight against Leukemia. I am beyond proud of her she is such a strong young lady who has gone Through so much throughout her life.

Well, tomorrow starts a whole new chapter for my daughter. She's getting a stem cell transplant!! It won't be easy but if it goes good this is going to do her so much good and my daughter will finally be able to live the life she deserves. So today she is getting spoiled by me and my whole family because for a while things are going to be really difficult for her.

So please send good vibes and thoughts our way and I also want to thank everyone for all the love and support we have gotten on here.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is posting in

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

- 30th May 2024

- 2nd June 2024

ATTRACTED A GIRL WITH MOTORCYCLE PLEASE HELP

It finally happened. I upgraded my bike and got a compliment from a girl. Invited her to go for a ride sometime and now we're meeting up on Saturday. She doesnt have gear so was thinking I'd pick her up a helmet and some gloves from my gear guy tonight. Ive ridden with 200lb dudes on the back of my bike before so im not too worried about this ~130lb woman as a passenger.

Offered to take her down the coast or into the mountains as we live in socal and both are relatively closeby.

Any tips to not fuck this up or look like a douchebag would be much appreciated.

Edit: feminism

Edit 2: since so many of you keep asking, my gear guy is a psychotic rich boomer who buys big lots of last seasons gear on the cheap and then wholesales it on fb marketplace as a hobby. His garage is basically a gear store but everything is dirt cheap. Said he makes like $5 profit on everything he sells.

Edit 3:

Edit 4: currently 4am on Sunday, just got home, thank you all so god damn much

Comments

Bright_Bee36 · 4 days ago

Let her know it's your first time, and you've only been with men

OOP: Lmao thanks for the chuckle

Elowan66

For real do that. Make sure she sees you smiling when you say it. If she doesn’t laugh, move on.

Update - 3 days later

Folks, from the bottom of my heart, thank you all so much for sharing your wisdom. I definitely took a lot of the advice I was given and the date went excellent!

For context, I (a scared little boy) invited a girl out on a ride not really sure what precautions to take outside of basic safety considerations.

A metric fuckton of you beautiful people showed up and gave me for it to go well and I cannot thank you enough.

I made sure to give her the safety briefing and tell her that her feeling safe and comfortable is my priority #1, she appreciated this. Rode as carefully and cautiously as humanly possible, she noticed and acknowledged this several times and at the end of the night she said she felt safer on my bike than she does in the car with her friends driving. Got her a helmet with comms, this was possibly the best decision as we were making conversation the entire time we were out. Ended up just doing a nice calm cruise down the coast. Made sure to have a spare sweatshirt in addition to my spare jacket I brought for her, it got a little chilly and it was appreciated. Shoutout to the gal who suggested bringing a hairbrush, this also was appreciated. Also addressing the top comment on the other post, I hit her with the "I've only been with men, this is my first time with a girl" line and she cracked up. Definitely a keeper for that. Also learned that a KLR650 at highway speeds is basically a hitachi wand with wheels.

Towards the end of the night we were on our way home and I pulled a move that I dont think anyone mentioned on the last post. We were on a straight stretch of highway and we had a quiet moment and it felt right so I reached down and held on to her thigh with my left hand. She was quiet for a second and then said "this is the hottest thing thats ever happened to me". Never felt like more of a stud in all my days.

At the end of the day she was down to ride for way longer than I expected and seemed to enjoy it a lot. A gentleman doesnt kiss and tell but im not much of a gentleman and we definitely did a little more than kiss. Meeting up next weekend to do it again! I love you all and stay safe!

Comments

pasgames_

"Reddit helped me get laid" theirs a first fir everything I guess

Guardian-Ares

You're not some kind of tree hugger are you, Douglas?

banannabutt454

Lol. This is like the only reddit sex story I actually believe

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Main drama starts with this user:

and

Edit: A whole bunch of this post got deleted, so I have to do it again...

And more points of drama:

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Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

- 24th March 2024

- 3rd June 2024

AITA for rejecting the worst name ever for our offspring?

So, my husband (38M) and I (36F) are expecting our first child, a bouncing baby girl due in a few months. We were both over the moon when we found out the gender, but now things have gotten . . . complicated, to say the least.

See, when we first started talking about names, the “boy name” was immediately decided: Stuart Jr., after my husband. No problem there, it’s a classic name and carries family meaning. But, for a girl, things got murky.

My husband suggested Stuarta. No, you’re not having a stroke. Apparently, his logic is that since Stuart ends in “t,” we can just add an “a” to make it feminine. I tried explaining why that doesn’t quite work, how it sounds more like a furniture brand than a human name, how she’d be endlessly correcting people and explaining its origin. He’s adamant though, says it “honors” him while giving our daughter a unique name.

I’ve suggested alternatives: feminine names that maybe share a similar sound or meaning to Stuart, names he’s mentioned liking in the past, even just going back to the drawing board entirely. But he’s fixated on Stuarta.

Now, I love my husband dearly, and I understand wanting to honor family. But I can’t imagine subjecting our daughter to a lifetime of awkward stares and endless questions about her “unusual” name. I also worry about potential bullying and the impact it could have on her self-esteem.

So, Reddit, am I the jerk for refusing to budge on Stuarta? Is there any compromise I haven’t considered? Help a soon-to-be mama out!

TL;DR: Husband wants to name our daughter after himself; in a really, really bad way. I think it’s terrible and will set her up for a lifetime of awkwardness. AITA?

Looking forward to your thoughts and (hopefully) some sanity checks!

Edit: Please, no suggestions for other “-ta” names. The man clearly has a theme, and I need to gently steer him away from it, not fuel the fire!

Comments

Pollythepony1993

NTA. Naming a child is a two yes and one no situation. Means you need two times yes for a name to be it and one no to make sure that name is not the name you choose. Works both ways if you’d ask me.

Also, I am not a fan of naming the first name of a child after a parent. Because then the child will always be compared to their parents and need to fight harder to be their own person. I have less problems with the middle name being connected to someone else (parents, grandparents) because that is only a formal name and not used in everyday business.

Why is he dead set on Stuarta? I mean, there are so many beautiful names but he only wants to name his daughter after him? Why not after the mother? Like <your name> junior. It is a bit misogynistic to only want to name the baby after the father. Whose last name will the baby get? His as well?

Maybe you could find a way, like name the baby with the same first letter as your husband (Stella, Sally, Sanne, etc). Make sure the baby has a middle name (if she shares the same last name as her father). Because it will be annoying for simple things like mail and stuff.

shell37628

To piggyback on this, what's his middle name? Could there be a feminine version of that thats less objectionable/actually a name, rather than just a weird mishmash of sounds?

princess_ferocious

NTA

Tell him he only gets one kid named after him, so if he goes with Stuarta now, he'll never get a Stuart Jnr.

And how come it's so important that he be honoured, but not you? See how he feels about naming a future son a male version of your name.

Remind him that baby names need a yes from both parents or it's a no. You both need to be able to live with whatever you go with. Even if that means both of you missing out on the one you want most.

TemptingPenguin369

NTA. Stuarta sounds like a pharmaceutical product. (I can hear the commercials now. "In some cases, Stuarta can cause headaches, rashes and even death.") It doesn't have a decent nickname. And no, adding an "a" doesn't make it feminine in all cases; this is one of them. I'd go for Stuart as a middle name.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 2 months later

First, the good news: We have a beautiful, healthy baby girl! She weighed in at 7 lbs 4 oz and already has the most incredible head of dark hair (seriously, where did that come from?). Labor was a marathon, not a sprint — 18 hours of “fun” — but the amazing nurses kept me fueled up on ice chips and cheesy encouragement.

Now, for the not-so-good news: The name situation. Buckle up, because this might take a minute.

Right before pushing started, things got a little heated between me and Stuart. Apparently, the stress of contractions made him even more attached to “Stuarta.” He was pacing the room, muttering about “family legacy” while I was doing some very impressive Lamaze breathing exercises.

Suddenly, my water broke with a rather impressive pop. Let’s just say it startled everyone in the room, including Stuart. The nurse, bless her heart, took advantage of the distraction and very calmly started prepping for delivery.

Everything after that was a blur of pushing, encouraging words, and the most amazing head of dark hair emerging into the world. The second our daughter was out, screaming her little lungs out, a wave of pure, primal love washed over me.

It was in that moment, staring at this tiny, perfect human being, that the name debate completely evaporated. There was no way I could call this beautiful little girl “Stuarta.”

So, what did we end up with?

In the haze of post-partum bliss, I blurted out the first name that popped into my head — the name of the incredible nurse who’d coached me through labor: Ella.

Yes, Ella. Not exactly the most adventurous choice, but in that moment, it felt perfect. Strong, steady, kind — just like the woman who’d helped bring our daughter into the world.

Stuart, bless his confused heart, just looked at me, then at our daughter, then back at me again. Finally, he let out a shaky laugh and said, “Ella it is.”

Thanks for all the support and hilarious “Stuarta” comparisons. Here’s to sleepless nights, endless diaper changes, and the incredible journey of parenthood!

Comments

ExcitingCattle925

I'm so happy you guys could agree on a name.

Ella is a really good and classic name.

Well wishes to you and your baby.

BaitedBreaths

I like Ella too, but I'm surprised OP's husband didn't counter with Stuartella.

Jouleswatt

Then he’d be a Nutella

Professional_Ruin953

A sensible counter would be Stella, but the paperwork is done, too late.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Background

Toronto's annual naked bike ride is around the corner. The event is intended as a protest against oil dependency, promoting cycling and body positivity. The group (aka, anyone wishing to join in) cycles naked through the heart of the city, chanting slogans like "less gas, more ass". The news of its return this coming Saturday brings mixed reactions.

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Well it's been going on for 20 years.

19 years, 11 months, 2 weeks and 2 days isthe amount of time when USA pulled out of Afghanistan, if the USA wasted 2 trillion and left behind billions in military equipment the nudist can most certainly stop biking in Toronto and go to actual camps for nudist

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Small side drama about taking photos at nude beaches