I graduated from high school back in December. As a gift my parents got me a cruise. It was also for my 18th birthday. It was also a family vacation. We usually stay at all inclusive resorts but I have always wanted to go on a cruise.

I told my parents it was different and that if we went on excursions we had to follow the schedule no matter what.

Well it was a week-long cruise and they would not head back to the ship when I said it was time to go. They were busy shopping and bargaining with the locals. I finally said that I was heading back to the ship. My mom waved me off.

The missed the departure. By a lot. Like 45 minutes. They got ahold of me through WhatsApp. They wanted to know why I didn't get the boat to wait for them.

I wanted to scream that they were not going to inconvenience 3,998 people because two could not understand what a schedule was.

They ended up having to fly to the next port from there and it was expensive. They are pissed at me for leaving them behind.

I don't know what I was supposed to do. They literally told me that they knew what they were doing.

I wish I had never asked for this. They are making me miserable because I left without them.

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by in

trigger warnings: masturbation

mood spoilers: funny?

---

 

- Wed May 1 2024

Hello, sorry for the new account, I don't want this associate with my other account.

Okay, so, my MIL! Or actually I will start with my wife "Tara". Tara is lovely and wonderful. Tara also escaped from her little midwestern hometown and ran to the coast the absolute moment that she could, and I am pretty sure her mom took that personally. (her mom was born and raised in and around that small town)

So my MIL. She is emotionally immature. Tara read that one book about immature adult parents and she finally understood her family dynamic in a way she never did before. MIL is not a bad or evil person, she usually means very well, but she's kind of, I don't know how to put it, self-centered? Like her first thought process is always "how do I feel about this new information".

Tara and I bought a little starter home last year (fuck interest rates but we're hoping they come down and we can refinance, the place was too good to pass up) and her MIL invited herself over last week. This is something that is extremely on brand for her, and we like to pick our battles in this family, so we just let her.

Her mom (who again is not terrible, just has bad emotional regulation and boundaries) shows up and drops her stuff in the spare room and just immediately starts giving herself the tour. Again, whatever, we actually hired a cleaner before she arrived so we wouldn't worry, annoying but that's life.

So she's wandering around and comes to our bedroom. I have a jumbo sized tub of generic vaseline next to my bed because I use a nose CPAP and my lips get chapped so she picks it up and makes this really weird face and says, almost direct quote, "well I know what THIS is for!" And I respond, "oh that's for chapped lips, I don't jerk off with vaseline."

Apparently my timing was good because my wife laughed but my MIL did not laugh at all. Then for the next three days she kept asking me ARE YOU GONNA BE GROSS AGAIN when I tried to make normal conversation. I said over and over that she was the one who made the joke and her response was always "yeah but that was a JOKE!" like what I said was totally serious? And I guess it was, I mean, I was telling the truth, but I was only bantering because she started it. I didn't even invite her into our bedroom.

Anyways she brought it up over text to Tara and there is subtle pressure from her to just apologize, but I don't think I did anything wrong. AITA?

Comments:

robospammm

NTA. She was the one who first insinuated it was for sex. You just said it out loud.

She's got the dirty mind....

OOP

so her argument is that it was innuendo and mine was just stating words out loud. I think this might be a cultural thing too maybe idk, I have gotten in the doghouse in this family before for being too direct?

&&&&

slackerchic

NTA, she tried to make you blush but then gets mad because you made her blush is what this basically boils down to. The next time she says something about it I would just be like "omg how much do you think about this ONE comment??? The fact that it seems to be at the absolute forefront of your mind is making me almost as uncomfortable as the original "joke". Can we just bury this entire incident?"

OOP

yeah I think I might have been more direct than she's used to.

I am mostly worried about my wife, who gets to be the middleperson here. She finds it harder to set boundaries with her mother, I would gladly tell my MIL to just stop and go away if she wants to talk about it.

thank you for context

&&&&

mamblepamble

NTA. I read that book. My mom does this. She wants you uncomfortable so she has the upper hand to step on your boundaries and make you feel dirty. She was going to weaponize your reaction that entire trip if you had one and bring up the tub of Vaseline to get a reaction at every chance she got. You took that power away, turned the tables and didn’t give her the reaction she wanted (embarrassment) and now she’s pissy because you embarrassed her, she can’t take it, and she has no emotional power over the situation.

Let her be pissy. Fuck around and find out.

OOP

I mean, context, she does this with Tara a lot, which is why Tara upped sticks at the first opportunity.

when you put it that way... it seems really bad though...

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

---

- Wed May 22 2024

Amitheasshole wasn't interested, probably because it is boring:

I took the advice of a couple people in the original thread and I talked to my wife about (1) what happened while her mom was there and (2) how we would manage similar situations going forward. I think the commenters were mostly right, and that my MIL was using what i said as a cudgel to get "the upper hand" (I don't know how else to put that) in conversations.

We talked it out and agreed that we would let it go, but if she brought it up again, or if she tried something similar again, we would present a united front and we would refuse to engage with her, I guess, "attention-seeking" behavior? Again I find this all weird and don't know how to really talk about it or phrase it.

Well, you can probably guess what happened.

She was on the phone with her mom just catching up and her mom brought up me being "gross" again. I wasn't on the call or anything but I could hear her in the other room. For context, Tara finds it very hard to set boundaries with her mom because her mom will just not let some stuff go. She will just keep bringing it up and talking about how bad she felt, or WHY would she do X or Y, etc etc.

Honestly I am so proud of her for what she did: she hung the fuck up! She said "mom we're not gonna talk about that anymore" and then "mom, we're moving on" and then I just hear her phone get set down on the bedside table. I walked in to check and she had this great little "defiant" face on, like she was proud of herself too.

I hope that the little rush she got from saying no to her mom is encouraging to her going forward! Thanks to the commenters and thanks to the person who DMed me the TikTok about my post lol

 

Im a SINK (single income no kids) whose parent is very sick; I’ve taken them in to live with me. No one else offered which is fine because I’m happy to have them and what do I care what anyone else does anyway?

This has made my house where the family congregates. As it’s a new place I got for my parent and I to share, I am looking to furnish it now and getting a lot of pushback that x y and z aren’t kid-friendly.

It’s my damn house! Watch your kids when you’re here or don’t bring them. Why do I need to bubble wrap everything or not display certain things or in a case that blows my mind NOT BUY NICE COUCHES because you are certain your kid(s) will destroy them?

I want my couches. I don’t want some ragtag ass couches simply because they are suitable fodder for children to destroy freely.

My siblings say if I don’t cater to them I’m not being considerate and that they just can’t visit our sick parent. I tell them they can watch their kids while here or arrange for their S/O to do so here or at their place but that until they pay these bills I should be the one deciding how it’s furnished.

Please tell me I’m not the asshole because I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.

I (35F) met my husband Vince (36M) after he saved me from drowning at a pool party when I was 18. I took him out for lunch the following week to thank him for saving me, and we soon fell in love and began dating.

At the time, Vince worked a blue collar job while I was studying in university. We ended up getting married and Vince supported me throughout my entire education up until I got my PhD.

Vince always told me that he wanted to study in university but had learning disabilities that made it difficult for him to study in a classroom. At times he was embarrassed by the fact that he had to work twice as hard compared to people around him, but I always found that to be admirable about him.

When I finished my studies and got a well paying job I convinced Vince to give his dream of studying another go.

Last year he was finally accepted into a nursing program at our local university. He is working hard to achieve him dream and I’m incredibly proud of him.

Last week my friend Alba (36F) came to visit with her son so our children could play together. Alba was my roommate during my first year in university, she began dating her husband Leo around the same time I started dating Vince.

Leo was an obnoxious law student who later on became an even more obnoxious attorney. He was a know it all who prided himself on his intelligence, which for some reason attracted Alba.

At the time Alba would sometimes tease me that I could do better than Vince, and would offer to set me up with one of Leo’s law school buddies, but I would always refuse and she eventually dropped the subject.

Alba and Leo are currently going through a nasty divorce that stems from him cheating on her, quite frankly he is dragging her through the mud and is using connections to try and leave her as penniless as possible.

As we were chatting and catching up Alba began to express concern over the fact that my eldest son (7M) was recently diagnosed with dyslexia, Alba began telling me how she is worried that my son will be academically challenged like his father and what that could entail for his future. Before I could respond she told me how I should have married someone smart while I had the chance so I would have kids like hers. (Albas son is an incredibly bright boy and a straight A student).

I told Alba her advice was unnecessary and reminded her where marrying for intelligence got her, I then proceeded to tell her that I would rather have my son grow up to be an honest, hardworking person like his father than an academically gifted jerk who wasn’t smart enough to know sleeping with his secretary could have consequences on his marriage like her husband.

Alba was deeply hurt by what I’ve said and stormed out with her son. Some mutual friends are now chiming in and are telling me that I was too harsh on Alba for using her failing marriage to prove my point and should apologize.

---

Small update: first of all I want to thank you all for your replies :)

I wanted to address a couple of things, many of you asked why Alba and I remained friends despite her previous remarks. Alba and I grew apart during our third year in university, we only remained friends by association since we have a lot of shared mutual friends.

We became close again after our sons started playing basketball together at the local community center and became friends. I figured that becoming a mother made her more mature and she didn’t give me any reason to suspect otherwise.

I’ve decided to send her a message saying that the way she spoke about my husband and son was unacceptable and therefore she is no longer welcomed in my home, however, I don’t want our sons to lose their friendship and therefore I’m willing to remain civil around the kids and still organize play dates. She didn’t reply to me just yet, but I truly hope she loves her son enough to put her ego aside and remain civil for the sake of our kids.

I’ve yet to notify Vince about this entire situation since he is vigorously studying for an important quiz that’s coming up next week, and I know that if he heard what Alba said about him and our boy it would make him upset and he won’t be able to continue studying properly. Unless something crazy happens in the meantime I’ll probably update him next week after he’s done with the quiz.

I am NOT OOP. OOP is

Originally posted to + +

I just found out that my husband of 10 years has never loved me

Previous posted by + posted by

Trigger Warnings: possible financial abuse, property damage, abuse, emotional abuse, hostile workplace, exploitation, physical violence, major medical issues

---

: May 3, 2022

My whole world is crashing right now. I never thought that this could happen to me. I am deeply in love with my husband and I thought he loved me too.

My husband Sam and I met after college at a book club. We fell in love and married a year later right out of college. I honestly though that my life was a dream come true. He was kind and silly and he made me feel loved.

I found out last week that my husband never loved me. I overheard Sam talking to his friend on FT when he thought I couldn't hear. His friend was congratulating Sam on bagging me, because "I'm loaded". That's not true. Though I make a decent living and my parents recently had some success in their business abroad, I don't make nearly enough to be considered wealthy, perhaps upper middle class at best. It's not like I can quit my job tomorrow and be set for life. I'm a financial analyst and make $300K working 70 hours a week. Sam is a customer service advisor for a bank and makes $50K working 35 hours a week.

Edit: Yes, I was in investment banking out of college. Sam has had this job for 4 months. He has a spotty work history due to not getting along with his bosses.

Sam then said that all his planning paid off and he'd live the easy life. His friend added that he couldn't imagine being married to me, waking up to my face. I've never been very attractive, I'm very skinny and have a thin face and a wide nose, but Sam made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Sam just laughed and said "it's easy when you have the mindset." I pretended I didn't hear and went back upstairs and just lied in bed.

I've been sleeping on the couch with the excuse of working late and not disturbing him. Every time, I've woken up in our bed with him cuddling me. I don't feel loved. I feel used. I don't know what to do.

Comments

OOP on if she had a prenup with her husband

We don't have a prenup. I regret it.

OOP on why their earnings are not enough to live comfortable in their area

I know it's far more than most Americans, but it's not enough for someone to lie for 10 years about. He could have found anyone else.

It's definitely not enough to be truly wealthy, just comfortable. If he wanted to bag someone could he have not found someone else? He didn't have to lie to me and say he loved me . It is comfortable. Just not wealthy. When I think of wealthy, I think of people who don't have to work for a living.

I have serious medical conditions that cost a lot of money, partially exacerbated by my work life. I used to work 80-100 hour weeks. Plus, I had been paying off my husband's student loans of $80,000 as well as our mortgage. I do not have student loans because I (thankfully) earned a scholarship.

I grew up in poverty on food stamps and I'm terrified of going back to that life.

Edit: and his credit card debt

OOP responded to multiple redditors telling her to divorce her husband as he was using her

I have honestly resigned myself to a life alone if I do divorce my husband. No one has expressed any interest in me. The only time I was asked out was as a joke.

I had a friend in college who shared my interests and my hobbies and was fun. I was in love with him. I was short and very skinny and he was my height and quite chunky and we had a in group nickname based on that. When our friends would say we looked like a couple he would make gagging noises and say it's disgusting but in a joking way. when I got the courage to ask him out, he laughed himself sick.

Edit: I am unattractive and have serious health conditions. I am statistically unlikely to find another husband. It's alright. I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't love me.

OOP on how she got a job at 19 and earning so much

I graduated at 19 and had a very well paying job. To the tune of 6 figures. I grew up in poverty on food stamps so this was a dream for me. My parents only very recently had success with their business back in their home country. We are immigrants.

Sam was kind of broke because of bad financial habits. he had been financially cut off from his parents who were middle class. He had $80000 of student loans (I've paid off over half) and $20,000 of credit card debt (which I've also paid off)

OOP on an example when she overheard her husband’s conversation with his friend

Sam and his friend were talking about an upcoming trip to Prague we were going to book. I was paying for it. That was what sparked the whole conversation on "bagging a free ride"

He laughed when his friend said those hurtful, but accurate things about my appearance. His friend made more comments on how Sam could stand to wake up to me.

I was also hurt because his friend had always been very nice to me before.

It would have been nice if Sam said he stayed with me for something other than my salary. For him, I'm apparently an easy grift. . You're probably right. My husband insists that the conversation never happened, he never said anything, and that I was hallucinating due to stress.

I felt hurt because I thought the friend was a nice person. He had been quite kind and welcoming before. Though I am not attractive, there was no need to insult me like that if I heard correctly.

They were talking about our upcoming trip to Czechia in 2023 which I am paying for. That was how the conversation started.

 

: May 6, 2022

Last night I came home late and my husband was waiting for me. He had been blowing up my phone for the entire day, spamming me with accusing, but not untrue messages. The conversation did not go well...He accused me of avoiding him, which was true. I just couldn't look at him. I used work as an excuse. He said I was withholding affection from him. He also accused me of being unfaithful to him, which was never true. I have a new coworker who just started approximately two weeks ago and Sam was convinced I was having an affair with them. I told him I didn't even know that coworker. How could I have an affair?

I finally told him about what I overheard and how hurt I was. His response was to deny ever having that conversation and deny ever saying anything. He told me I probably misheard something or hallucinated due to stress.

I received several very helpful messages about a post my husband might have made. Though some of the details don't match up, most of it do (our salaries, the time we've been married, the couch thing) and I asked him if he wrote the reddit post. He told me he doesn't do reddit but didn't outright deny making the post and asked me what I was doing on my phone all day for the past few days, which was reading all your messages on this throwaway. I told him that and he looked incredibly upset.

I told him that what he did really hurt me and he still insisted it never happened. I asked him if he ever loved me and he said "Don't be stupid, of course I do. You're the one cheating on me." I told him I never cheated on him. It felt like the conversation was going in circles.

I brought up the possibility of a postnup, and he scoffed and said he didn't want to divorce. If I tried to divorce him, he had a right to a lot of alimony. That part is true. Our state has strong alimony rights for spouses with salary differences. He only had his job for a few months and it's the highest paying one he has had. He said "Who's going to take care of you when you're sick if you try to divorce me?"

I asked him if he ever lied to me or hid things from me and eventually he admitted that the way we met wasn't an accident. He knew who I was and that I would be there and pretended to stumble into me as an excuse to make conversation. I demanded counseling as a first step and to my surprise he agreed.

At that point, I was getting a splitting headache- not a migraine, which I also get often. I went to bed and he gave me a glass of water and medicine and we just didn't bring it up. I took today off work because I feel burnt out. I don't feel like anything is resolved. Now I doubt myself and everything I heard. If I truly didn't hear that, then I blew up my marriage for nothing. If he did say that and he's capable of lying for 10 years, then why would I stay with him? At least we're getting marriage counseling (and therapy for myself).

Excuse me for the numerous typos and grammatical errors. I'm exhausted.

 

: May 27, 2022

Background info: I overheard a conversation in which my husband essentially told his friend the reason he was with me was because I was his piggy bank- I make a lot more than he does and I do most of the chores. Sam also basically admitted he wasn't attracted to me. I tried to talk to him based on the info I had and the suspicion that he had also made a Reddit post though he doesn't use Reddit. Sam shut me down and told me the conversation with his friend never happened.

I've been waffling between writing this post and not, since I think my husband has been reading my posts. I've already deleted it twice. But he thinks Reddit is a waste of time and the outpouring of emotional support I get here outweighs him reading the thread.

We've had a few short, but devastating conversations since then. Based on Reddit advice, I tried to get evidence that he was with me for my money. After my husband reluctantly admitted that we didn't meet on accident, I pushed and found out the reason he pursued me is that I'm "stable" and I would "do everything for him" and "never leave him." His birth mother left when he was young, leaving his family very poor until his grandfather died. I feel sorry for him and understand why he did this, but there's a small, selfish part of me that wonders why he chose me for this life. I thought I recorded him but nothing shows up in my phone. It doesn't matter since we are an all party consent state.

Sometimes I wonder if I was blind. Sam is far more attractive than me (though my own preference tends to lie in the "unconventional"). I should have realized he is not attracted to me and that it was one sided love. I am not beautiful compared to other women and when I try to wear makeup or fashionable clothes, I can tell he is not impressed. I thought it was because he liked me better natural. My mother used to say a pig wearing makeup is uglier than a pig. I understand that now.

That's partially the reason why I could not stand pretending everything was alright. My love language is touch. I constantly liked to hug him or hold his hand or stroke his back or pet his hair. Knowing that he only tolerates my touch horrifies me. I don't want to be the source of someone's discomfort. I am also ashamed of being so vulnerable, knowing that he hates who I am and the way I look, knowing that he has seen me in my most vulnerable moments. I don't want to be a burden. After one night where I locked myself in the bathroom and slept in the bathtub, he hasn't been moving me from the couch. I think the reason he moved me is to pretend our life hadn't changed rather than any real concern for me. That's why he complained about me withholding affection.

I went back to work and continued the routine I had done for a few weeks, working as much as possible until I had to go home. I cried a lot at work.

I passed out at work one day and when I woke up my boss told me to go home. He was angry. I tried to drive home, but I still felt woozy so I parked in a car and fell asleep. I was awoken by a police officer who gave me a warning for sleeping in a car. Apparently, that's a red flag for DUIs. I drove home and Sam was furious. He somehow had known that I was sent home early. He demanded to know who I was with. I told him the truth.

Sam has been sweet to me since. He hasn't taken off work and he only does about an hour of real work a day, which strangely makes me envious of my own husband. Sam has been making sure I rest, making all our meals, and doing the chores. My work has demanded that I take off at least two more weeks of sick leave since my episode at the office. However, they are also simultaneously making me do work, and implied that my performance bonus will be impacted by my "stunt"

If I divorce my husband, the consequences will be beyond me losing the love of my life. My parents will cut me off from our family. They will not let me see my grandparents ever, who are in very delicate health. My grandparents raised me as a child when I was sent back to live with them in our home country. My family would not be surprised if Sam divorces me. My parents even told me at our wedding that he will leave me and that I should have married the man they arranged, who wanted me for my citizenship. I will not have any support.

In a feverish state, I once offered to give him all of my savings and pay alimony for life if he filed for divorce and he told me to shut up and sleep. I don't know what conditions I can set for the divorce. I'm losing my husband, I'm losing my grandparents, maybe even my job. What do I do?

Comments

OOP on her grandparents’ views on divorce

My grandparents were in an arranged marriage. Divorce is stigmatized and they are not very open to the idea at all. They do want what's best for me, but what they think is best is, at best, 30 years behind the times. I am eternally grateful that they took care of me and loved me, and I would be devastated if my parents cut me off from them.

OOP on the possibility of hallucinating her husband’s comments towards her

I did not hallucinate anything or have a psychotic break.

Initially my husband denied everything, included the phone call. The first thing he admitted that we didn't meet on accident. He had known who I was somehow and had pursued me. Then, he admitted that he wasn't attracted to me. He also admitted that the reason he pursued me and the reason he is still married to me is that I'm "stable" and I would "do everything for him" and "never leave him."

 

: May 29, 2022

Before marriage counseling, I found out husband hid that he had Borderline Personality Disorder

My husband Sam and I agreed to marriage counseling to see if we could save our marriage. This is an out of pocket expense. Before we could go to our first session, we had to fill out several forms and questionnaires. One question asked about any diagnoses we had. My husband revealed that he had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder two years ago. I knew he went to a psychiatrist/neuropsychologist but he just said they found nothing and there was nothing wrong with him.

I was shocked because he never told me. When I asked why he would hide this from me, he said that it was his medical history and I couldn’t leave him for something not under his control. Sam is not in therapy. Obviously, I would have supported him and gotten the help he needed.

Ever since this came out, Sam has been saying that if I divorce him, I’m abandoning him and that it would be proof I never loved him or care about him. That’s not true. I do love him. That’s why I’m doing this. If I divorce him and pay alimony, he’ll find someone he’s actually in love with. We’d both be happy.

Sam has not given me a moment of space but to be fair, I had a high fever a few days ago. Sam said he wants life to go back to normal “before all this happened and we were happy” but I don’t understand why he would want to continue to live a lie. I’m offering him a way out and he refuses. Is it because of his diagnoses?

How do we move forward from this? Is marriage counseling even worth it? Am I making a mistake?

Comments

OOP on her husband’s family background, if he came from a poor family

Thank you for your helpful response. Your friends should not have treated you like this. I think I feel hurt because my husband didn’t trust me with this information though we have been married for a decade. I would never have abandoned him and would have encouraged him to get DBT therapy or anything else that would help.

His birth mother left him as a child, leaving his family destitute until an inheritance from his grandfather. I think that is why he married me, because I represented stability-both financially and in our home life. Not love.

I do love him and I do care about him deeply but how can I tell him that I will always be there for him when we are heading for divorce? I would be lying to him. I will not be in his life.

We both deserve to be with someone we love. I’m not going to chain him to marriage because of his fear of financial instability. I’m not my father. I will pay alimony. His life will be the exact same-maybe even more money for a cleaner and meal prep- just with the ability to find someone he loves.

It’s hard to talk about marriage counseling and the possibility of divorce without him breaking down. I can’t bear to see him cry.

 

- June 1, 2022

I bought a glass jar of homemade fruit preserve at a farmer’s market. The seller, Mary (60s F) was a nice older lady that I’ve bought from before. Because we know each other, she gives me a discount if I bring back the empty jar since she saves money. She gave me a fancier glass jar than usual today because she ran out of the regular ones. I can’t return the jar. I found an identical jar at Target and I plan to give her that. The reason I don’t want to tell her is that she’s very kind but inquisitive and she’ll ask why I didn’t bring the original back, and she’ll say that I didn’t have to replace it, etc. I don’t want her to worry.

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Comments

OOP on why she could not return the jar to the seller

It was destroyed. My husband threw it and it shattered. There’s no way to put it back.

He’s a fan of fruit preserves so I got a new flavor I thought he would like to try. He was upset that I got him a gift so he threw it on the ground. He was apologetic but there’s no way to put it back together.

We have been going through a very rough patch. Apparently the gift was a reminder that no one will love him like I do. That was not my intention. I just thought he would like it.

I can’t honestly say it was an accident since my husband threw it on the ground on purpose.

 

: June 7, 2022

I had my first therapy session ever on Saturday (a weekend online therapist who is licensed). When she asked what issues I wanted to resolve, one problem I told her was that I felt like I didn't deserve anything in life. My therapist said that it wasn't an issue, but a blessing since I can practice gratefulness. I am grateful for the smallest things, but intellectually I feel as though I should not be grateful for them. I feel like a doormat in my personal and professional life.

My work demands extremely long work hours. I remember the worst week I ever had in my career was 104 hours of work. I'm exhausted, but my boss relies on me and me only even though there are other members of the team. He says I'm his biggest asset, and I am grateful for being recognized. Yet, others have gotten promotions off the team and into more relaxed roles. I have not. I've worked here for years, and I've only taken 11 days off for vacation the entire time, not because I want to work, but because I'm "needed"

I had invasive wisdom teeth surgery on Thursday, and I got both an infection and dry socket over the weekend. We had a deal going through and and I went to work yesterday in pain with a fever because my boss demanded that I be there. I worked until 12:17am and didn't eat anything since I was in so much pain.

I was supposed to uber back to my hotel (my husband and I are discussing divorce) but I pressed the wrong destination and went back to our house instead. I feel asleep in our front yard, where my husband found me. Luckily nothing happened to me, since I live in a relatively safe area. My husband is thrilled I came home. He pleaded with me to cancel the rest of the hotel stay and I caved in. I feel selfish for divorcing him and I feel selfish for staying. I don't want to be like my father, using money to force someone to stay with them.

I got my dry sockets treated. I need someone to help me irrigate the holes since doing it myself caused the infection but I don't know who to ask. No friends or family live nearby. I just haven't been eating because I don't want to get another infection.

Looking at this post, I feel so much self loathing. It's filled with aggrandizing self pity. The price of my job is the loss of a personal life. Many people would be happy to be in my position, making as much money as I do. Many people would be thrilled to live my life, and have a home to come to and food in their stomachs. There's no reason for me to be unhappy yet I am. And I know I should feel entitled to some things, but if my therapist says not being expectant is a good thing, then what is my problem? What is wrong with me?

Comments

OOP on why she thinks she doesn’t deserve anything

What I told my therapist was: "I struggle to believe that I deserve anything. Though I feel that people in general are entitled to things like love or happiness or rest, I feel like I do not. For some reason, I feel that other people's needs are more important than my own. I'd like to gain these skills." I wrote it out. I later mentioned how I wanted to take a health day, but my coworker wanted to take the day off, so I didn't, because I felt that he deserved the day off. I wished I had the self confidence to still ask for the day, instead of thinking of my team's needs. I'm not sure if it's an issue of gratefulness or deserving or just self esteem.

My therapist said it was good that I feel like I deserve nothing, because I can practice gratefulness and that it was a blessing not to be entitled.

 

: July 17, 2022

My husband Sam and I have access to each others phones, computers, emails, etc. Normally, I don’t read my husband’s things, though I know he sometimes checks my messages and the like.

Today, he left his laptop open to his messages and I saw my name in a message alert from his friend who does not like me. I read more of the chat.

A few days ago Sam was arguing with his father over the phone. He was angrier than usual and gesticulating. I went to get something and when I was behind him, his fist accidentally hit my jaw. He apologized immediately and it was fine. I’ve had a couple of minor surgeries unrelated to this incident, so I don’t look great. I can see why someone would be concerned. My new friends and my therapist were very concerned too when they saw me but when I explained, they understood.

Sam’s friend saw me yesterday for a minute. In the chat, he asked Sam why I had a “messed up face” and Sam said it was fine and not interfere in our marriage. The friend was telling Sam that he should leave me and it was all right if we divorced because there were a lot of women who wanted him. The last message said “u can’t hit ur wife bc she wants a divorce. ust take the check and go.” Throughout the entire conversation Sam never told his friend it was an accident. He just said that I was his wife and it was not his friend’s business.

I feel awful for violating his privacy, and I will tell him, but I’m also confused why he would say this and not clarify the accident.

Additional Information from OOP on why she was not divorced yet

I don’t know. I’m just deeply exhausted by it all. Separating, disentangling finances, surgeries, regressions, breaking from my job, stress. It was all overwhelming. My wonderful therapist has told me to break down my problems into simple steps and if I’m too exhausted to act, to just let it be for now and gather up my strength for the next thing.

I just had an abdominal hysterectomy and right now recovery is my next hurdle. I’m in pain but I’m hopeful.

My husband has been doing everything around the house. I can’t lift most things and it hurts to be too active. He works. He cleans. He has learned to cook some surprisingly complex meals that I like. He irrigates my sockets because they haven’t fully healed and I can’t see properly. That was how I got an infection. He helps me shower.

While he does things like this, it makes me feel guilty for wanting to divorce him. It makes me think he blames himself for accidents like in the post. That he does love me. But then I remember the fact that he doesn’t have any photos of me on his phone and that he admitted he didn’t love me at first and other silly things and I just wonder why we can’t live apart happily.

OOP on Sam’s friend mentioned in the post is the same person who was on FT

Yes, it is the same friend. My husband has a circle of childhood friends. I know a few dislike me. One of them has told me that she wished my husband had married a mutual friend of theirs instead of me. I do feel like an intruder in their friendship circle.

I’m happy to say that, now that I’m on leave from work and unlikely to return, my coworkers have grown into close friends. It makes me kind of sad that I chose to work from home a lot, missing out on the closeness they have demonstrated.

We did start marriage counseling. Our marriage counselor is wonderful, as is my therapist. My husband has started DBT therapy but he hates it. Our counselor says one of our root problems is the way we define ourselves. I see myself for what I can provide people- I am a hard worker, I am efficient, I cook, I clean, I can do this or that- rather than what I am intrinsically. My husband defines himself on what he loves and hates, his interests and disinterests.

 

: August 2, 2022

Last weekend, my (32F) husband Sam (32M) and a few of his friends and spouses arranged to go to an amusement park. I am not a huge fan of loud, hot, crowded places. I find it overwhelming. Moreover, I could not go on the thrill rides as I recently had surgery and have very high blood pressure. Sam convinced me to go to connect with his friends.

When we came, their itinerary was a tight schedule of all thrill rides. The first ride was a rollercoaster. I was in line as a placeholder for a person. One friend, Jake, collected everyone’s phones and put it in his bag. I tried to tell him that I couldn’t go on the ride, but it seems I was unclear. I didn’t want to make a fuss for this one ride so I gave him my phone. When the person returned, I got out of line and waited at one of the two exits as they would meet me there.

After waiting for 40min, I realized they must have gone to the other exit and left without me. I checked the other nearby rides but I couldn’t find them. I went to a first aid station, and I called my phone and then my husband but he didn’t pick up.

At first I tried to stay in the area, but it was high traffic, loud, and very hot. I still had my pass and cash with me. I found a quieter, shaded area, bought lunch, met a very nice elderly couple who showed me a few spots, won a plushie and a blanket from a vending machine, and had dinner. I had fun.

There was an announcement that the park would close in half an hour. I decided I would go to our parked car to wait for the group. 30min later, one of Sam’s friends, Nancy, found me next to the car and dragged me to the others. They were furious because they had been frantically looking for me for the last half an hour.

Update: There is not much of an update. Sam and I talked it out at home and in marriage counseling and came to a sort of understanding. I feel I was less than charitable to him, likely because I felt hurt that he left me.

This is how the day went.

Jake gathered everyone’s loose items including phones, wallets, hats, etc. in his bag and put it in a locker. I made a mistake and put my phone in his bag since I didn’t want to hold them up. A bit later, I crossed over to the exit line, walked down, and waited at the exit. They were supposed to meet me there.

My husband’s group got split. Sam rode in the second half and heard from his friend that the first group didn’t want to do another thrill ride. They slipped back to the entrance with the lockers instead of going to the exit. When I wasn’t at the lockers he thought I left with the first group without waiting for him.

He was hurt and decided not to contact me until I contacted him. He thought if I loved him, I would contact him.

Meanwhile, I was waiting at the exit. I realized that Sam had already left when I saw the same people exit twice, meaning they rode the coaster, waited in line again, and rode the again. This was approx 40 minutes after the 25 wait time the line stated.

I went to the first aid station and called him. I made a mistake. I forgot he doesn’t respond/call back unknown numbers because of scams.

Sam’s friends got back together and split throughout the day. He was upset when I wasn’t with any group because he thought I left them too and I hadn’t tried to contact him.

When the park announced the closing, he was worried. He and his friends called my phone. They dug through Jake’s backpack and saw that my phone was there and it was dead. Sam found out no one had seen me since the first ride. He called back the unknown number and it was the first aid station who confirmed I was there.

Our marriage counselor said I was passive and lacked boundaries. I should have said no to the entire idea. I agree with her. I’m working on me with my therapist.

She said that Sam was so willing to believe I left him and his desire to test if I still loved him that he left me in a dangerous situation. His therapist said he defines himself by the love I give him, which is unhealthy.

Sam apologized the entire time. He feels guilty. He mopes around the house. I gave him the plushie I won and it only made him happy for a few minutes. I think I made it worse. He constantly checks my hand to see if I’m still wearing my rings.

Verdict: Not the Asshole

OOP responds on several questions regarding waiting for her husband and his friends

Giving up my phone was my fault, I agree. Jake told me to put my phone in his bag, I told him I wasn’t going on this ride, but I don’t think I made it clear to him. He told me to put my phone in again and there were others with their phones out waiting to put theirs in, so I put mine in to not create a fuss. I thought that since we agreed to meet up at the exit, it would be fine if I didn’t have my phone. Unfortunately, my phone was on mute as well. I should have not done so . We arrived there in the morning. There are a long lines for the most anticipated thrill rides.

I only had an abdominal hysterectomy so while I can’t lift heavy things or walk a lot, I’m mostly fine.

Edit: the surgery was almost two weeks ago . I can’t blame my husband too much. He was excited to be with his friends. Almost always, I’m not there when he is with them so I can see how he genuinely forgot I was there at the start.

This was supposed to be a way for me to bond with his friends, since his therapist says he puts barriers between certain aspects of his life, but it fell by the wayside since I can’t actually go on most of the rides they planned.

They were searching in the park for me. I suppose they could have made an announcement. When my husband called the number I used back, it was the general first aid center in the park, which apparently made them think I could have been sick. . They just genuinely forgot I was there. It was a large group that frequently hang out together and I don’t go on these sorts of outings so it makes sense. . Yes, I feel bad because they did seem worried and angry. 30 minutes is a long time to be looking for someone in a big park. They didn’t sign up to form a search and rescue, just have fun in the park.

My husband was having fun with his friends. He tracks my phone location so I assume he wasn’t concerned until they realized that I didn’t have my phone and there was no way to track me down.

 

- September 27, 2022

I had an abdominal hysterectomy. Due to poor personal choices, my wound opened back up and plus I got a horrible infection. I had to get another surgery 2.5 weeks after my initial one to fix the damage I caused. It’s been several weeks but I’m still in a lot of pain.

Comments

OOP on if she has finally divorced her husband and having her family taking care of her

I am alright. I got a postnup. My grandmother got very sick so I went back alone to my home country. An unofficial separation. She didn’t make it. I still feel like my heart has been ripped out. I was in both physical and emotional pain. My husband had a severe breakdown and was hospitalized because I wasn’t there. His family and friends begged me to come back so I did. I couldn’t go back to work. I stay at home. he takes care of me.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am ride or die for thongs and I am always shocked by women who hate them or think they’re gross?

Full back underwear sucks. It bunches up and migrates into my ass so I have to pick a wedgie every 5 minutes. Thongs are made to be in there, so they stay put and never get bunched up. Full back underwear does not look good in tight clothing, and underwear lines distract from your outfit. Those “no show” ones are made of LIES. Thongs are perfect for any outfit because they don’t show.

“But they’re not good for your vagina!” A properly sized cotton thong is just as healthy as full back underwear.

“G strings aren’t practical, everything slips out!” There are thong styles with more coverage than a g-string. G-strings are probably the least popular style tbh

I am not The OOP, OOP is

WIBTA for calling off a wedding because my fiancé is extremely frugal?

Originally posted to and OOP's own page

Posted by

  Posted by

TRIGGER WARNING: emotional abuse, trauma, financial struggles, neglect, psychological manipulation

MOOD SPOILERS: sad - but generally positive overall

  June 06, 2023

I 31F struggle with my fiancé’s 32M frugalness and not sure if I want to marry him anymore after 3 year relationship.

Throwaway as my Fiancé follows my regular account.

I met my Fiancé 3 years ago. He came out of an abusive marriage just 2 years before we met. One of her absolute abuses was financial. She bled him dry. Made him buy expensive jewelry only to give it away or break it after an argument. Designer shoes, clothes, big house cars… Caribbean trips. you name it she made him pay for it. She also took him to the cleaners in the divorce.

However. My Fiancé is very well off. He makes far over 6 figures almost 7. On top of that he inherited a few millions from his grandfather and his parents gifted him and his siblings also a few cool millions.

So yes the financial abuse was bad but he does not suffer financially. He has more money than he will ever need.

So last year I moved into his house. I do not pay rent but I split the bills and buy food. I pay for my own clothes and jewelry. I have a good job and I can take care of myself. However things have been taking a turn for the worse and I feel miserable.

His house was empty when I moved in. He had hand me down furniture. Maybe 3 forks and 2 knives. He wouldn’t put on the heating so the house felt cold and moldy. He has no curtains, no decorations. His ex took everything not bolted down and he was too cheap to replace it. Just imagine a million dollar house like that!

I am grateful that I can live in his house. It is something I could never afford myself. But I didn’t want to live in squalor! So I bought some kitchen supplies, some furniture… but at some point I realized I was dipping in my savings all the time and he did nothing. I looked into curtains but those things are expensive. His house has so many windows it is crazy. I didn’t want to pay for this anymore.

I told him I needed a fund to furnish his house. He blew up at me that I was just with him for his money. I pointed out all the money I spend on his house. The gifts and the trips because he pays for nothing ever. Because he wants to be sure I am not here for the money. The fact is, if we break up I have nothing… the house is not mine. If I spend all my savings on his house I will be left with absolutely nothing! He wants a prenup and I am fine with that but I can’t help but feel used.

Next to that I am jealous of his ex wife. I feel like she got treated and I am neglected. He proposed to his ex on a cruise with a 10.000 dollar white gold diamond ring. I got the rhodium plated Swarovski stuff that might cost like 100 bucks. The proposal was at a picnic in the park I organized, payed groceries for and slaved in the kitchen for. I almost said no out of pure disappointment . However I am afraid to bring it up and to be called a golddigger. I don’t want to be funding a millionaire’s lifestyle. He loves everything as long as I pay for it. As soon as he has to pay it is frivolous, unnecessary….

I can live like a poor person by myself. At least the fact there are literal millions lying around doesn’t hang over me to bum me out.and I would just be paying for my own lifestyle.

WIBTA for calling of a wedding purely for financial reasons. Because I love this man, but I imagine our cheap wedding in contrast to his ex her extravaganza, will our future kids be able to have some luxuries? Or only if I pay for it? What if I ever become a stay at home mom? Will I have to beg to put the heating on?

Edited to answer questions I see a lot: I know the abuse is not made up. His family and friends told me seperate stories of the abuse they witnessed. Not only did it confirm it, it showed me she was way more terrible than I thought. Like stealing heirloom jewelry of his grandma with alzheimer right after she was widowed. Pretending she was gifted these things even though every one knew grandma hated her guts.

I did not realize or see he is doing the same to me as she was to him and he is (subconsciously) punishing me for what was done to him.

I am not trying to force a lifestyle in him where he was previously happy in. He told me prior to moving in that he left his house like this because he was depressed after his wife took everything ( even the curtains) that it makes him sad and he wants a cozy home. He just didn’t know where to start.

His house is paid off, thanks to grand dad. He isn’t actually spending much on utilities either, house is very well isolated and has solar panels. It is weird to see how cheap being rich really is.

I am not asking for designer furniture. Ikea all the way and I have refurbished second hand furniture myself. I am actually pretty thrifty .

I see where my jealousy over the ex her lifestyle might have triggered some people. Let me explain. A 10.000 dollar ring is insane and stupid to me. I do not want that because I would fear for losing it every day. I don’t need an over the top wedding … however, it almost feels like for her he did effort. Wanted to give her what made her happy. Put effort and thought in it. With me it almost feels like he wants to prove how little he can give me.

He talked about how he would see the wedding and it is cheaper than my actually financially struggling cousin her wedding. I can’t help but feel he wants to demonstrate how cheap he can treat me! And I already feel embarrassed about the family that would have been to both and I will feel like the discount wife. I don’t like to say it but it feels like he gets of on it to some extend. We are almost talking washing paper plates at this moment.

Yes I did discuss selling the mansion I really don’t need and move to a more modest house. Especially knowing this is the house his ex picked. He doesn’t want to do that. He loves this house… but I feel really intimidated living in a house I could never afford anyway. And so many large windows… tjeesh

I havn’t talked to him yet but pauze on the marriage and counseling is a must . I already am looking for IC because I realized I might indeed be too much of a people pleaser allowing him to control me with the ghost of his ex. I also am going to seperate for a while. I am looking to rent something for a few months so I can get some space.

Thank you all for your insights !

RELEVANT COMMENTS

SeniorDay

NTA. - “I understand you’ve had some trauma in your past and I’m sorry you went through that. But I can’t allow you to mistreat me because of it. It burns me up inside that you gave her everything, but I have to beg for the bare minimum. I deserve to feel cherished by my partner, as I have cherished you.”*

OOP  

Oomph that hit me right in the feels.

~

moth_girl_7

“I am not with you because of the money you have, and if you can’t trust that then that’s something you need to work on. I cannot live without heat, furniture, curtains, and basic decency just to prove to you that I am not a financial abuser like your ex. It feels as if you are projecting that image onto me and that is unfair.” His way of coping is extremely unhealthy. What he should be doing is talking to a therapist about how he can communicate his needs to you, not shutting you out and behaving the complete opposite of how he did with this ex. He should set some healthy boundaries on how he spends his money, sure, but he also needs to acknowledge that you asking for some financial contribution to the house you live in isn’t the same as his ex demanding he take her on a cruise. He needs to find some ways he can feel appreciated when he does spend money on things you benefit from, and he needs to trust that he is in full control of his money, you have no desire to take that from him.*

  June 10, 2023 (4 days later)

Originally posted to *, but was removed by the mods. Preserved on user's account.*

Okay I hope this update makes sense because I am very confused and not really doing that well at the moment.

Well Reddit you changed my life. thank you so much for all your ideas and insights. Honestly I don’t think I would have had the courage to do what I did without you guys. I went to therapy Took the day off just to get my racing mind to calm down.

Therapy has confirmed things you guys suspected. I am a people pleaser, I wanted to “save” him and I have internalized the idea that any effort and every penny I want him to spend on me makes me a gold digger. I will have weekly sessions to work on me. I realized I would have never taken this treatment from any of my exes. Even though I made more then them. The idea I had to proof myself “ worthy “ to be with a millionaire and not be in there for the money got in to my head pretty early.

I called one of his siblings I am pretty close with and just told her everything. She was not surprised but just sad about how unhappy he was making me. She told me that from the day we started he had this idea that “ I was out of his league”. He struggled to understand why I wanted to be with him and he probably just thought : it must be my money. She told me she already talked to him in the past to treat me better. She was furious about the proposal.

This information confused me a little. I was a little hurt she never discussed any of this before but she thought it was none of her business. She also explained how she and her husband organized their finances. He also doesn’t have as much as her.

I took the opportunity to pack a bag. I haven’t n’t found a place yet but I am going to stay with my parents. I made up my mind that I will at least want 6 months apart to get myself in order. I made sure my stuff was in the car because honestly I had no idea how the conversation would go.

so into the most difficult part. The talk. I waited for him to come home. He was pretty late but I didn’t want to sleep another night on this. Pretending I was fine while I was contemplating all this just ate me up.

I had written down what I wanted to say. I have never been so scared before. I didn’t want to hurt him and I didn’t know how he would react. I took some advice from here. I opened that I was moving out and that I wanted to pauze our engagement. He was very quiet and just sat down. I told him he really hurt me by calling me a golddigger and that I am done walking on eggshells and feeling guilty for just wanting basic things. I told him I was unhappy and felt neglected. I also told him that after 3 years of me showing up for him he still doesn’t think I am here for him, it is not going to happen.

He was just quiet. He didn’t say anything. I told him that the constant comparing to his ex was unhealthy and unfair.Punishing me for her sins was abusive. I told him comparing her to me all the time has triggered me comparing myself to her and starting to feel like she was worth more than me. One of the things about her was mostly ungratefulness. He would do nice things for her but it was never enough. The thing is, he doesn’t do nice things for me and I have to be grateful for the pleasure of picking up the bill.

I told him he was not ready for marriage. That I dreaded having kids with him and live like this. That is didn’t trust he would take care of me if I would become a SAHM. And at that point I just called him abusive and a user. I was getting pretty angry saying all this out loud. Losing my composer and script a little bit.

He remained quiet with almost no emotion on his face. I stayed quiet but nothing came out so I decided that I would just leave. Only when I got up to go he said please don’t go. He asked me if I was pausing the wedding or calling it of. He wanted to know if it was over or if he still had a shot.

I told him I wanted out of this house. I honestly don’t want to live in his ex her palace of sadness anymore. I needed him to go to therapy and especially financial therapy. I needed a separation. I told him I was open to couples counseling if he went into IC.

He begged me not to do the separation but honestly I really really wanted it. I just told him to think about it and I left him. He was finally showing some emotions. He was crying at this point.

He sent me a very long text somewhere in the AM. Told me he was a wreck and couldn’t sleep. He made all kinds of promises. He would go into therapy, sell his house, buy a smaller one and make sure I am taken care of whatever happens. He said he would help me decorate and we will make a home. He again asked me to please come “home”. But to me it doesn’t feel like home there anyway.

I feel very empty and tired. I have been sleeping most of the day. I feel guilty but also a little bit relieved if that makes sense.I don’t know if I actually want back if he does all that. Idk I am a little unsteady right now. I need some time to proces.

I will go back for the kitchen supplies and my tv. I won’t take anything else of the furniture. This for the exact same reason I was unwilling to buy everything: his house is huge so the couch is huge … I can’t take it.

   Jul 04 2023 (1 month later)

Hi everybody. Let me just say I am overwhelmed by the number of people really caring about me and asking for updates. Strangers who care about you is a feeling like no other thank you!

So as I said I left. I am looking for an apartment I can afford. My parents are helping out. I am living with them and saving up.

I am not closing all doors but as for now we are broken up. I have no contact. The first week he transferred a large amount to my account. It really rubbed me the wrong way. It just showed me that he still thought that money was what kept me here. I deducted the couch I left and transferred everything else back I asked for no contact after this.

He has been respectful of it and I feel free at the moment. I felt guilty for my needs. For wanting to be taken out every once and a while. The longer I am out the harder I realize it was abuse. I have an autoimmunity problem and the cold house caused it to flare up. Even after that he kept turning the heat down. He rather have me miserable than pay what? 100 dollars extra in the end of the year?

The last thing I heard is that he put the palace of sadness on the market. I have seen the adds so happy he is going through with that. I heard of his sister that he is in therapy. I am happy for that and I hope he keeps that up! He is keeping his promises so far but I need to see real change and even then I really don’t know.

I am building my own life by myself. Thinking about getting a puppy. If I give him another shot. It has to start all from scratch. I want to start dating again and take it slow.

Therapy is really a good idea. I now know I was just bringing this on myself as a people pleaser. Savior… wanting this man to be happy so bad I forgot about myself. Never again.

So that is all there is to say really

RELEVANT COMMENTS

gurlwithdragontat2

Best of luck! Please never forget your worth again, because others will shortchange you if so.*

OOP 

True! I allowed this from day one and let him play his fantasy revenge on me. The red flags were there so early. Loving ourselves is the key to a happy life

~

​ SummerFlip

My question is, did you previously communicate your feelings before just ending it? Did you wait until you stopped loving him?*

OOP  

I did. Multiple times. I had a few break downs where I told him I was unhappy especially when my autoimmunity disease just kicked into high gear I told him I was done being cold. Then the discussions started about what is cold and I had to negotiate a temperature setting he was okay with , he would still turn it down behind my back.    The curtains were just the last straw for me. He was giddy and happy about all other changes I made to his home with my money I thought it would not be so weird to ask him to pitch in right? I had done so much, sacrificed so much and he still blew up at me?    What kind of golddigger pays for everything for 3 years? If I was one I was really bad at it    So yes I communicated, over and over and nothing changed. I am pretty shocked he is actually doing something right now but honestly I think it is a little too late. I don’t want to shut the door completely but I will never ever be cold in my life ever again

   Sep 21 2023 (3 months after OG post)

Thank you for everyone reaching out to me. I have closed in on a little apartment for myself. I got a puppy.

After being in a home where I was truly loved: my parents I realized how sad, cold and alone I had been. Over time I went blind for a lot of things.

Blind to a comfortable home temperature. Comfortable with thinking about every penny spend. Feeling guilty for buying that dress I wanted for so long that was finally on sale. Feeling entitled for wanting date nights… being treated sometimes.

I started to think about what makes me happy. I love to travel, dress up to go to a nice restaurant. Throw dinner parties, entertain people, think about Christmas gifts 6 months in advance. Have a cosy house…. And I realized just how much he had taken from me with that one little sentence: is that really necessary…

Is anything ever? If you have a roof, food, bed and a TV you are there right? Is travel necessary? Is having nice clothes necessary? Is a shower necessary? A haircut? A party? A hobby? A wedding? No!

I know now that abusers are not per definition bad people. He is broken and he has trauma I have no time or energy for. He got free from abuse and decided to become the abuser. I know he is in therapy and we initially agreed on 6 months no to low contact. But I felt I was certain it was not for me anymore and I didn’t want to keep him dangling.

Breaking up with him was very hard. It made me very sad. I never wanted to hurt him and I loved this man very deeply. I wanted us to be each others happy ever after. We both came from dark places and I wanted us to thrive together. His family told me I was the one, I was everything he was looking for and I felt so lucky.

But we only have 1 life and he has so much work to do before he even becomes the bear minimum of what I needed.

I feel failed. Like my story has a bad ending. I feel very broken and sad. I will take my time to just be me. I hope he does the same. I truly hope he finds the one and becomes happy. Mostly I hope that for myself but for now I am enough by my self with the pupper!

Thank you all for your time and support. I am going to have a little cry in some furbaby’s fluffy fur

RELEVANT COMMENTS

NolaCat94

This is so far from a bad ending. A bad ending would've been staying until nothing was left of you. A bad ending would've been him bleeding you dry and you being stuck. You put yourself first and that will always be good. And to add to the positivity, this is probably the kick he needed to get past his trauma.*

OOP  

I think you are spot on. He has said these things himself. He didn’t know how bad he was until he came home to me leaving. He has told me he hates himself for letting me walk and letting me be this miserable. He is in therapy ( as far as I know because I am No contact ) and I hope he does well.    I really felt once I was out how much of myself was lost. I went through quite a dark time realizing how far I went for this man. But I am getting better.

~

ZestyLemonAsparagus

It does feel like a sad ending, I get the sadness of knowing the magical ending wasn’t going to happen, of the hope that he would see the light and make the changes he needed to in order to make you feel valued. But at the end of the day it’s a happy ending as well, you have a puppy who loves you and he demonstrated through his anger that he still holds his values of stinginess higher than he holds you, so you don’t have to wonder. This really, really feels like the ending of Inside Out, where a core memory comes in and it is a mix of Joy and Sadness. And sadness isn’t bad, sadness helps us remember what is important. You are important. I’m happy for you that you have been able to connect with the things that bring you joy, and surrounded yourself with them.*

But… please stay open. I know you have joked that you are fine being single forever, and if that is the course of your life, then that’s all well and good. Being single doesn’t mean lonely as you truly know while you entertain in your apartment. Guard yourself against become a version of your ex in the same way he became a version of his ex, not that you would abuse others but that you would abuse yourself by closing yourself off from people to keep yourself safe. You deserve that joy, and all the happiness in the world.*

OOP

Thank you. I will be open to someone again but only when it comes out of a place of “ wow this person is something else” not interested in anything else.    I know now I ran past several red flags just because this man could give me the life I dreamed of. Married, nice house, some kids. A life with no worries … but he was not that man. 

He has send me letters upon letters how sorry he is, taking accountability. But I can’t anymore. I just don’t want to try again. I hope he does well for himself. He is in therapy and doing his best. I hope he is happy one day. I just don’t want to be part of it anymore.    So yes it is no Disney ending. But it is also not my ending. It is a real beginning

~

Ok-Act-8736

He’s now taking accountability? Last time he was angry at you for not respecting what je can do with his money*

OOP  

Yep he is very sorry about that. He doesn’t know why reacted like that. He is ashamed about it. Money suddenly doesn’t matter to him anymore. These are all things in his texts letters and phone calls. 

But it has been a while since I have had contact with him.    Even if he changes a lot now… my question is : why couldn’t he do that then. I got sick, when I got sad and told him I was unhappy… why can he only change when he is in pain because I left?    That says it all. 

I really hope he finds himself and that he will be happy in the future but I don’t want to be part of it anymore

NEW UPDATE

  Dec 26, 2023 (4 months since last update)

I was in a financially abusive relationship. With enough time passing now I am more comfortable with the word abuse. I fought it for a long time because he did not scream at me, hit me or called me names.

He just used triangulation  and the image of his abusive ex to use my own kindness against myself and to get me to fall in line. Spend my limited savings into furniture, luxuries and nights out for a goddamn multi millionaire just to have some comfort in life. Constantly trying to prove I was no gold digger by having 0 needs, living in a cold house and buy him everything he could ever want. I never lived a impoverished existence then when I was with a person who actually had loads of money. More than I could possibly comprehend.

When I left I really struggled to keep at it. I was so scared to go at life by myself. To actually have to pinch Pennie’s.  He kept telling me what I wanted to hear for so long. Went into therapy, begged me to come back. It digged into my resolve.  Made me doubt if I was making a mistake.

A few things made me go on:

1. My colleagues who are more friends than coworkers who knew all my stories into details hugged me and told me they were so proud of me for leaving. Their feeling was so authentic it rubbed off on me. I was also proud I left and I couldn’t let them and me down by going back

2. My boss once passed my office when I was working late and he said:” Never give men second chances! They never change. You deserve someone who gets it right from the start.” I don’t know what prompted him to say this to me but it stuck with me.

3. My trainer who knows some stories said to me: you gave everything to get less then nothing back ! It is like me getting a 100 bucks from you and to repay you I’ll take another 100 bucks from your wallet! why would you want to take that deal again? He has a debt with you he can’t repay and I don’t mean cash. I mean emotional energy, love and kindness.

4. I read somewhere: don’t wake up in the same miserable place 10 years from now because you feared the change you have to make today. That hit me very hard.

I have bought my own apartment. I felt like a poor little mouse being surrounded by people who make my monthly wage in a few days! But the fact is I have a very good job. I earn far above average. I am able to have a nice place, nicely furnished. And I can even support a puppy.

I live by myself but feel endlessly more warmth then in a relationship. I love myself way more. I am not riddled with guilt over wanting to have a cozy house. Go out for dinner sometimes. I am so happy I dragged myself out of this relationship. I kept at it and moved on.

Keep going. One foot in front of the other. It is hard but you can do this! I am proud of you!

   Apr 9, 2024 (4 since last update)

The money is gone. I am not going to get that back or fight for it. I even had to block him because at some point he got petty and wanted me to pay rent for the time I lived with him so no way I was opening that discussion. Whatever… lesson learned . I may look poor compared to millionaires but I am doing fine.

The sister and I did get along for a while. We share a hobby and talked about that. But recently I have been official and out in the open with my new boyfriend and she struggles with this. Maybe she was hoping it would still work out or something I don’t know. But she has been one a lot colder.

This man… wow! People say never settle because there is better out there for you… I never believed it. Honestly I was ready to be a crazy dog lady for the rest of my life. I was enjoying being single. My friends urged me to start dating just to get the hang of it… he was my 3rd date. I went against my will and was 100% not into it but when I saw him in real life…omg sparks flew like never before ! I am in my thirties so you would have thought  experienced it all… but this??? Wow

He is everything my ex was not. He is kind and caring. Cooks me dinner. Gets flustered but is grateful for gifts he gets. He treats me to dinners. Will not even allow me to go Dutch on it. He has planned and booked dates and trips months in advance even before we were well and good official. Buys me gifts! He is not as wealthy as my ex. But he makes a good living. His income is comparable to mine but he treats me like a queen. And between me and you ( and all redditors that dig this deep in the comments) the love making is INSANE ! I guess giving people give everywhere freely.

So please take away to never settle! Ever ! Trust the process babe!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ConditionBig6373

I hope you told him off! After the abuse you suffered he should shit his mouth and be grateful you didn't sue him for emotional distress!

OOP

Too much energy to waste on a man who wasted so much already. I just never want to see him again. I hope he finds the help he needs and I hope he becomes a happy person but I do not want to be anywhere near him.

I am so happy with my current boyfriend. I don’t understand how I fought for so long to keep this man.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I'm sorry, this title is absolutely horrid. I'll try to make this make sense. I'm 62F. My stepdaughter ("K") has been in my life since she was 8. I met my late husband when I was 34 and he was 37, K is his daughter from his previous marriage. We got married when K was 11. She was close to her mother so she never considered me a mother, but we had a good relationship. Unfortunately my husband and I weren't able to have children. Just after K finished high school she got pregnant, she'd only been dating her boyfriend for a few weeks and he didn't want to stay with her. K really wanted to keep the baby though, but she was planning to go out of state for college, so we had a long talk about it. Her mother didn't want to be involved as she was very disapproving of the whole thing. She was (justifiably I suppose) angry at K for making stupid choices that could alter her future and K sort of pulled away from her after that. So I quit my job to raise her baby ("H"). K decided to switch to a college closer to home so she could visit H every weekend. She called almost everyday to see her. She was trying very hard to balance staying connected to her child and also setting up a decent future, but obviously H was much closer to me. I was with her every day until she was four and she only saw her mom once a week and on video call. I tried telling her that K was her mom and I was grandma, and she didn't call me mom, but she was closer to me.

After college K did a postgrad degree for 3 more years. Then she moved back to our city. She tried really hard to build a close relationship with H but by that time she was 7 and even though they did become close, she would always sort of come to me first for things. K was sad about this but we didn't really talk about it. Eventually K got married and H lives with them, but she visits me multiple times a week and we text every day. K's dad also passed which was really hard for both of us. So H just graduated from high school and she was selected to give a speech because she was a standout student. :) She called me and asked if it was okay if she mentions me. I said that's really sweet of her and of course. K and her husband and I went to it together. In the speech H talked about how her best childhood memories are the stories I told her, and it was really sweet. She only mentioned K in the bit at the end where you thank everyone who helped you get here and whatnot. K didn't say anything during the party but afterward she told me she felt like I always "encouraged" H to stay closer to me than her, like I was "competing" with her. She said that I wanted to be a parent so badly that I took it from her. I just want some unbiased opinions.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is

Originally posted to

Previous

[New Update] - AITA for yelling at my SIL at my wedding and telling her no one cares that she is pregnant

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: manipulation, gaslighting, enabling, obsessive behavior

---

RECAP

: February 20, 2024

Sorry everyone, my story was duplicated in my previous post, hopefully it was fixed

TLDR: I yelled at my SIL at my wedding that no one cares that she is pregnant after she repeatedly trued to take the attention off of my husband and I.

My husband (30 m) and I (26f) got married during covid. We couldn’t have a big ceremony because of restrictions, and unfortunately my family couldn’t be present as they live in a different country. With restrictions finally lifted, we decided to have a more traditional ceremony in my home country with my family. My husband’s family came, his parents, some friends, cousins and his sister (32 f, we’ll call her Sara) and her husband (28 m, we’ll call him Matt).

Sara and Matt live on the other side of the US than the rest of the family. They had their wedding a couple of months back in their home state, and ever since then when we have a conversation, even without our wedding coming up, Sara would say that she and Matt are planning to get pregnant on the trip for my husband and I’s wedding. No big deal, I just made sure to tell her that she needs to ovulate for that to happen, but other than that I could not care less. What started to get annoying, is when we were talking about all the activities/ excursions people wanted to do so could go ahead and book it, Sara would always say “Make sure there’s is enough time for Matt and I at the hotel so we can get busy making our baby.” Again, kind of gross, a little annoying, but whatever, they are grown ups.

About a week before we all leave to go to my home country, Sara and Matt arrive in our home state to spend time with family as they rarely see them. My husband and I, his parents, and my husband’s brother and sister in law are sitting chatting, when Sara blurts out she is pregnant. We all get really excited, congratulate them and saying how happy we are. We start asking some questions, and Sarah says she is 2 weeks pregnant. Everyone kind of loses a little bit of excitement and say wow, that’s really early, we suggest to wait before telling other people, just as a lot can happen. People usually dont even know they are pregnant until at least 6 weeks, and even then they are encouraged to wait until after the first trimester to tell people. My BIL and SIL were very happy and excited for them, but cautioned them even more as they have experienced multiple miscarriages before having their first child.

Matt replied by saying they are only telling the people closest to them, eg his parents, her parents and her siblings, no one else since it is so early. Well the next day, Sara had called her great uncle and his wife over for drinks and decided to tell them too, called her one aunt and uncle and told them, and by the end of the day basically the entire extended family knew, as well as some of her mom’s friends which stopped by the house and Sara told. With each person Sara told Matt got more agitated, as they had agreed to only tell a select few people. Matt finally gave up and asked her why she doesn’t just post it on Facebook as it will be quicker, to which she replied, she wants to, but she think it will be frowned upon.

My husband came to me and said it feels like she is trying to draw the attention away from us and our wedding, as she is known to do anything and everything to have the spotlight on her. I said to not worry about it, as when we are in my home country, she isn’t going to know many people so she wont say anything.

He agreed, but went to his parents and told them what he was feeling, and asked if they could politely suggest that she keep it to herself when we left for the trip. They agreed that it was valid for him to feel that way, as they know she hates it if the focus is not on her.

Anyway, we leave for the wedding and I see my mom for the 2nd time in 5 years. Obviously it was a very emotional reunion, but we wiped off our tears quickly and sat down for a meal with my husband’s family. After I introduced her to everyone, the waiter take our order and the first thing Sara says to my mom is, your daughter probably already told you, but I won’t be drinking this trip. My mom says that its no problem, you dont have to drink to have fun, and that Sara will still have fun, even if she chooses not to drink. Sara interrupts my mom to tell her its not by choice that she is not drinking, but that she is pregnant. (Keep in mind this is 10 minutes after she met my mom) my mom says congratulations and keeps on with another conversation. Sara intterupts my mom again and tells her how she is 2 weeks pregnant and just so excited. My mom ( who is in medicine) then tells Sara the same thing we did, that she should probably wait until she is in her second trimester to tell people, and Sara completely ignores her.

The same thing happens with my aunt, cousins, uncles, sister and grandparents, all of whom she had never met before.

My husband yet again speaks to his parents and ask them to please tell her to keep it private because it feels as though she is purposefully trying to take the attention away from our wedding. They say they will talk to her. Matt actually comes up to us and apologizes, by saying he agrees that it has gotten out of hand and that the number of people that know is way more than the number they agreed upon.

Fast forward, we are sitting eating while we wait for one of our excursions. A family that I lived with for 3 when I first moved to my husband’s country flew out for the wedding and met up with us for lunch. They have never met my SIL. The wife and I are talking about the wedding and all the arrangements, while my SIL sits across from us and listens to the conversation. My husband orders some shots for everyone at the table, when his mom says she doesn’t want one so he tells the server minus 1. My SIL hears him ordering the shots and goes off yelling across the table. “ I can’t drink alcohol!! You know I cant drink a shot! Why would you order me one?!” Everyone kind of stops and looks at her for a sec, before my husband says its not a problem as Matt said he wants 2. Everyone then continues their conversation including the wife and I. My SIL interrupts me and continues to make a big fuss over how my husband ordered her alcohol when he knows she’s not drinking. The wife then says its ok because Matt said he’ll drink it so its not going to waste. My SIL then says again how annoying it is that my husband ordered her a shot and I say to not worry about because I’ll just drink it if Matt doesn’t want it. She keeps doing this till I finally tell the wife, she’s not drinking because she is pregnant. The wife says congratulations and ask how far she is and then also tells her to be careful of telling too many people.

This situation happens about 3 more times in the week leading up to the wedding. Now this is why I might be the AH. The last time it happened she was telling my HS friends at the wedding how sick she has been, but no one asked why she was sick, they were just empathetic and saying they hope she feels better. They came over to me to talk to me and she followed again complaining about how sick she has been and kind of pushing them to ask why she has been feeling so sick, when I finally said, “ Sara, are you fucking kidding me?! No one gives a shit that you are pregnant, they don’t even know you.” Sara ran off crying and my MIL heard me say that and told my FIL who screamed at my husband saying how we hurt Sara’s feelings and how she is just excited.

My husband doesn’t think I did anything wrong, and my HS friends think I was fine too, because they know the backstory. My mom and some of my husband’s family think I was the Asshole.

So AITA for telling my SIL that no one cares that she is pregnant.

Relevant Comments

ACanWontAttitude: 2 weeks pregnant doesn't exist. If she's used the clear blue test that says 2 weeks, it actually means she's 4 weeks.

Your weeks of pregnancy are dated from the first day of your last period. This means that in the first 2 weeks or so, you are not actually pregnant – your body is preparing for ovulation (releasing an egg from one of your ovaries) as usual.

OOP: She said she knows when she got pregnant, it was their anniversary from when they started dating, and then she took a pregnancy test and it came back positive 2 weeks after their anniversary. She could also apparently ’feel when the implant of the egg happened’

ConsitutionalHistory: Here's the real problem...her husband, her parents, or even your husband should have told her off long before this reached your breaking point. You did nothing wrong...but apparently nearly everyone else was more than happy to play the role of enabler to the little princess.

Prestigious-Algae886: NTA. Sarah sounds insufferable. Is she the golden child?

OOP: Yes, never finished college after asking her dad to pay for 4 different colleges and degrees, and then still got a graduation present when she moved away to work on a ranch. She also gets a allowance for money every month from her father

 

: February 29, 2024

Update to my previous post on my profile.

My hisband and i finally had our honeymoon and we were unreachable during our holiday because we were out of the country. Our whole family knew this before we left and we told them the only way to reach us in emergency was to call the hotel. We knew Sara was going in for her appointment while we were away and we told her we would call her as soon as we got back home.

My husband and I was out one day for the whole day from the hotel doing activities, and when we got back we found a note on our room to say we have to go to reception. Once we got to reception, the person told us we had 7 missed calls from family and gave us a number to call. We didn’t know who called or what about, but we thought it was an emergency. We called the number and it was Matt. He was very confused and asked why we were calling him on our honeymoon and asked if we were ok? We said that the hotel said tihs number called 7 times and asked him if everything was ok, matt said everything was fine but Sara wanted to talk to us.

Matt called Sara over and she asked us how we were having fun etc, but we just wanted to know what was going on because we were so worried. Sara said she went to the doctor and got some news, we asked her if everything was ok, because she kept not saying anything and we could hear her and Matt whisper to each other. We heard Matt say to her “did you seriously call the hotel 7 times to tell them this? It could have waited.” Sara finally gets back on the phone and said that the doctor said she was going to have twins!! We said congratulations and asked if there was anything else? We thought it was an emergency. She said no she just wanted to share the news because she is so excited and scared and she couldn’t hold it in. She said she also called my mom, and told her (thay are friends on social media) .

My husband and I both just said we were very happy for them but really didn’t want to be bothered again if it was not an emergency. Sara said we were being very rude and she just wanted to share the good news. We hung up because we had to get ready for dinner.

When we got back into the US, my inlaws picked us up from the airport and were asking us if we spoke to Sara. We said yes she said she was having twins and we were very excited for them. My FIL then said Sara told them we were extremely rude to her and Matt and we were dismissive and hung up the phone. We told them what really happened and they said that is not what Sara has told the whole family.

We are now back in our house and haven’t spoken to Sara or Matt but matt texted us both but the text only cane through later where he said he was so sorry that they bothered us on our vacation and he felt horrible. We just texted back and said all good, and that we were very excited for both of them.

All i can say about this whole situation is that i am very happy that we live on the other side of the country from Sara.

Additional Information from OOP

I spoke to my MIL today and like everyone said, Sara didn’t calculate her time right. She is actually about 8-9 weeks pregnant according to my MIL. Sara is also having twins that were 2 eggs and 2 sperms (not sure the medical name) and each has their own sack.

Relevant Comments

bobbleheadjoe:_ Did your brother go with her to the doctor? Did he see the ultrasound?

For some reason women who fake pregnancies often claim they’re having twins. Now that isn’t a super likely scenario, but this woman sounds pathologically desperate for attention.

I probably have watched too many Dr Phil episodes on women who fake pregnancies, but I’d reverse image search any ultrasound pictures she sends/posts.

OOP: I think Matt went with yes, when we got back to the US she sent us a picture of the ultrasound, im not a doctor or in the medical field at all but it looked like two babies to me.

 

---

----NEW UPDATE----

: May 29, 2024 (3 months later)

Hi everyone, sorry for the long wait on the update, I have been really busy with my work.

Sara is still pregnant, due at the end of August, with 2 babies, one boy and one girl.

My husband (Sara's brother) and I have started to try and have a family of our own, no success yet, but we are not worried, it only 2 months. When we we're in my country, we were buying artwork and small furnitures from my country to put in the nursery of our future baby to have my culture too. Sara and her husband bought some things too for their house and because she was pregnant for the baby.

My mom was on the town with Sara one day when we did a trip they didnt want to do and bought some things for us, and told Sara its for the nursery for our future baby. When Sara heard what our idea for our nursery was with my culture, she decided she wanted her nursery to be like that, and bought almost everything we bought. We dint say anything because we thought she was just buying for her house and for friends, souvenirs etc.

Some time passed after everyting happened at the wedding and the honeymoon, and Sara called me to see if I can go to a store where we live and look at some baby things for her, because they dont have that store. I said yes and spend almost 2 hours with her on the videocall showing her things, taking pictures, and saying we can get it and mail to her if she needs anything, so we were on good terms.

then a week ago she posted on ig her nursery in progress and it was exactly what I said I wanted. The theme isnt something very common, but its my culture. Think like dragons for China, or Geisha for Japan. Very big part of the culture, but not usually a baby theme. I saw it and got mad, showed it to my husband and he was mad too, but said lets just give it a few days, and then talk about it again, and then we can decide what to do. I said ok.

Sara calls us a couple of days later to tell us the names she decided for her babies, and the boy name is very sweet, a mixture of a family name on Matt and Sara's family. The girl name is where the problem is. Her first name is very pretty, we love it, but her middle name is my husband's name that we said we wanted to use if we had a son. its not a girl/boy name like Taylor, its a boy name like Johnathan (not the rael name).

My husband said thats his name and she knew we wanted to use it. she said its also their uncle's name, and thats who its after. My husband kept saying but its his first name, and its boys name and we are still going to use the name if we have a son. This is where Sara loses her mind. she gets so mad and starts yelling that cousins cannot have the same name and she chose it first, and my husband just says ITS MY NAME. Finally Sara just hangs up after she said she thought my husband would be happy that she is nameing the baby the same name as him.

Again we give it a couple of days and then I had a talk with my husband and said I am still very upset about the theme and it feels like Sara always gets what she wants, no matter what other people think, feel or are affected. I told him its like the camels back broke from all the straw, over the last years. I told him I was going to call Sara and tell her how i feel and just talk about it. he said ok, but told me to wait one more day so I am not very angry when I call. I called my mom and told her what i told my husband, and she was furious. She pointed out that Sara also showed me and my husband things she thought would look good in our nursery with the theme we said we wanted, so she knew exactly what we wanted to do. I took a couple of hours to get my brain ready and called Sara to talk to her about it.

When I was talking to Sara, I made sure to tell her that the nursery wasn't the main issue, that it was just the last thing I could take. I told her it feels like everything is always about her, and how she wants it and screw everybody else. I said its almost 4 years of that, and the nursery was the last straw. I made it a point to talk to her nicely, not raise my voice and use kind words. SHE WENT OFF. She said a nursery theme isnt something you can own, and that I actually copied her. I told her its my culture so i dont know how that works. She called me such bad names and cursed me out, and i told her if she doesnt stop, i was going to hang up. She kept saying nasty things, and i told her again, and she kept going, so I hung up after i told her to lose my number and not contact me ever again. I havent had any other contact from her, and my husband either. It feels like a weight of my shoulders. I wish her the best but she cannot be a part of my life if she is acting like this. i also removed her from all socials.

So that’s that, Sara and me are done. my husband is low contact, only if she calls/ messages him, which is never. Her parents are shocked at me, but i said im done. Her mom asked if I am going to tell Sara when I get pregnant, and I said no, she is welcome to tell her, and my husband can tell her if she wants, but I am not speaking to Sara again. Sara had her shower, and I sent 2 outfits for the babies, because I brought them before the phone call, and she texted in a group chat to say thank you and I just liked the message. I told my husband that if I am home, Sara is not welcome in my house.

Thats probably the last update from me. I don’t think anything else will happen now that I am no contact. if anything, I will just comment on this post. I am not super active on reddit, so I am sorry if I don’t reply. Thank you all for the support and messages. you made me realise that I am not the crazy one. you are the best!!

Relevant Comments

EvasiveFriend: No one thinks it's weird or unusual for a non pregnant woman to make a nursery when another family member is pregnant?! What an unhealthy competition!

OOP: I go back to my country very few times. Since moving away, only 2 times in 5 years. My husband and I planned in getting stuff for our nursery when we visited, because we knew we wanted to have a baby soon, and we didn’t know when we are going back. Its very expensive to mail things, almost $$150 for a shoebox, so we got some things we could fit in our suitcases. A lot of the stuff you cannt find in Usa, so thats why we bought it there.

ObsoleteReference: I would make it very clear to parents in law you plan to use your husbands name for a boy no matter what. Don’t worry about it being confusing, unless Sara chills out considerably, you’re not going to want to deal with her pitting her/ her kids against anything that could distract from her being center stage.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I (33f) and my husband (35m) have been married now for 2 years. While we were dating the conversation of kids had come up multiple times and I had always exressed that i did not think I would be a good enough mother for my children (a lot of personal trauma earlier in life). He however had mentioned before that he would like to have kids but he respected my thoughts and decision on the matter. I married him under this notion. Well a couple months ago i had some suspicion that I was pregnant, went to the doctor, and she confirmed my suspicions. Thankfully i live ina state where abortions are legal and i thought about just going through with it on my own, but i decided to involve him in the process. As soon as i broke the news to him he immediately became overjoyed saying how it was a great thing and he was so excited. I promptly remined him of our conversation about me not wanting children. he decided that the conversation was so long ago he was sure id have changed my mind by now and tried persuading my every way he could. It got to the point where he was pleading with me to "not kill his child". Well i decided to go through with it. The next couple weeks or so after, he was extremely distant, muttered under his breath frequently, and would hardly look at me. I found out from my MIL that he blames me for killing our child and he can't forgive me for it. Knowing that this is how he saw me now, i decided to get a divorce. When i told him he immediately errupted, speaking (yelling) the most words at me in a while. I didnt hear much of it as i promptly left and haven't spoken to him or been back since as i am staying with my sister. This whole thing has been a nightmare.

Edit: I was on birth control at the time when i would have gotten pregnant

Edit 2: I cannot begin to express how grateful I am to have so many of you sharing all these kind words. Sometimes words from strangers on the internet can be very consoling.
Now, many of you have mentioned that he possibly messed with my BC in some way or form. I spoke to my MIL (her and I have always been close) and she agreed to help me check by getting him out of the house so I can check his search history to see if he looked up how to do it (thank you to the redditor who suggested this!). I will also be grabbing the pills I left behind as I am sure they are still in the cabinet and will be seeing about getting them checked. I will post an update if I find anything out.

I, 25F, just had my first child with my husband, 29M, of four years. He is white and I am mixed race but very white passing. I was raised by my adoptive parents, however, I have reconnected with my biological paternal family. My biological mother was white and I look a lot like her. My biological father, whom I call my ataata, is Inuit, and we look very little alike, but we are getting closer emotionally.

My son looks so much like my ataata and I cried when I saw him for the first time. He has darker skin than my husband and I but he has my husband's eyes and nose. After he was born, my husband was cold and distant, he wouldn't hold our son, he wouldn't show me affection. Even when my ataata came over and I took a bunch of pictures of grandfather and grandson my husband refused to connect with our son.

He demanded a paternity test a few weeks ago. I was upset but complied. He is the father, as I knew he was. I told him that I was a prime example of not looking like my biological father and that I felt he was an idiot for suggesting I was cheating.

He shot back with: "Well how do I know the man you bring around is actually your dad and not your affair partner?" Yes, he insinuated I lied about my ataata being my dad and that I was sleeping with him.

I regret saying it because I had promised to leave it behind, but I said, "Well then say hello to "Sarah" for me." Sarah is the woman my husband had an affair with two years ago. He broke it off and we reconciled but I feel like it was rich of him to accuse me of cheating when he was the one who cheated in the first place.

He called me an asshole for bringing it up and now we're not speaking and I've moved into the nursery. I'm considering divorce but also thinking about my words, which were hurtful and uncalled for. AITA?

Edit: a clarification and definition.
Ataata means dad/father in Inuktitut.

Edit to say i am calling him Chris here.

Hey yall on mobile but had to posy this because what a time to be alive I broke up with Chris a few hours ago boooooy howdy.

He had ignored me for a full day and I hadn't reached out to him because I was honestly fed up with his attitude. We've been together for 2 years and I never have seen him act this way.

I flip-flopped between maybe he was having a bad day or something was going on and he transferred his negative energy in my book but no, he's just soggy moldy baby carrot that didn't think I had dreams of my own or I would throw it away for him. Our mutual friends have told me that he had basically told them that I rubbed my success in his face and made him feel like a simp just following his GF around being ignored when he has a successful business and has the higher paying job.

He texted the day after his silent treatment that my not reaching out to him was a sign that I don't love him and went on to say that I love my book more than I love him because I neglected him while working on it, and then I didn't praise him at the party as my biggest supporter. The rest of his PARAGRAPHS long text went on to talk about that he had this whole plan that he would marry me and we would be engaged this year but "Then you started not listening to me to drop things an dfpcus on us, our lives and the future" by taking up hobbies and that my therapist poisoned me against him (I was diagnosed with depression this year and therapy has helped a lot).

It hurt because I felt immediately like all I do was just rubbish to him. How the fuck can you say that? I loved him so much because he was someone I thought I would be with forever. Guess not.

I got angry and was texting him to ask "What's makes you think I don't love you? I'd do anything for you." And just as I hit send his new message popped up and it said "You wrote your book and you got your party. I assume now that I can finally have my GF back, we can have a talk. I don't think you understand how I want our marriage to be so I want to make things clear."

But then he responded to my message "Are you kidding me? If you're not going to priotize me over a book no one but you cares about, why am I even staying with you. I can go find a woman supports her man and wants his career and dreams to be successful."

So I said "Alright. Go find her. We clearly dont work. Best of luck."

Him "wait are you breaking up with me?" Me "What do you want me to do you've made it clear I am not what you want anymore." Him "you can't just break up with me." Me "Chris - please." Him "you can't just make that decision for me. You can break us up like this. It's been 2 years" Me "2 years in which one thing I wanted to do one thing I was proud to have done and you needed to shit on it. You've been so sour about it and I don't get it. So get your better woman." Him "but you can't just break up with me. We have to talk." He calls. I decline. Him "Pick up. You are being ridiculous."

He shows up at my door and the second I opened it trying to push in but I hadn't let the chain lock on. He was screaming at me. He said I cant break up with him. It's been 2 years. How do I think it will go for me to try dating again after passing the expiration date for children.

That's when I asked him to leave or I would call the police. And he said he will never forgive me for this book as it's ruined me as a person and for some reasons I said "Chris take your mediocre stick out of you mediocre ass and be on your mediocre way." And called my parents to tell them what happened.

My mom is over now plying me with a mixed drink and she's been making fun of the repeated "you can't break upnwith me" line as he said many times in text and bunch in person. She said she was proud because I am usually quite passive and she didn't like him bulldozing over me and when I asked her what she meant she brought up a lot of things I never really thought about - Chris would shoot me down a lot and I honestly thought I was compromising for our relationship but it seeme to some that I was just letting him speak for me a lot.

2 years. It feels like a blip and a lifetime at the same time. It's hitting me that it's over and my mom is staying over with me. But I have many WTFs to deal with just not tonight.

My daughter 9m is a baby and I only dress her in clothes that are appropriate for a baby ie no crop top, bikini, or anything that looks inappropriate for a child to were. I also don't put her in stuff with sexiest or weird writing things like" daddy said no dating" or" mommy's personal headache" I don't like those. We don't have a lot of money right now so I do appreciate when people want to give us stuff however just because it was given to us doesn't mean I will put my daughter in it. I have talked with family members before the birth and many times after about how I feel about baby clothes, not in a mean way but explaining my thoughts and beliefs about dress babies in "baby clothes" . It doesn't matter most of the stuff we are given is booty shorts, bikinis and short dresses. I always say thank you for the clothes but that stuff gets put in her closet never to be looked at again. This past weekend it was brought to my attention that I hurt feelings when I brought my baby to a pool party in a swim suit I bought my daughter not the bikini. The swimsuit I bought has sleeves and was built for sun protection, were as the bikini was not. Apparently several people were thinking that they would get to see my baby's rolls ( she is very chubby) in the bikini and where disappointed that she showed up in the long sleeves. I said that I didn't want her to get cold while getting in and out of the water and was concerned about too much sun on her sensitive skin and that was the reason for the switch. This was not received well and it was pointed out that many outfits that have been bought are never seen. I pointed out that I have been very open about my thoughts on baby clothes and I'm not put my daughter in something I hate to make other people happy. I was told that it is rude and ungrateful that I don't at least put her in the stuff when she is coming to see family they bought it and want to see her in it. I said she is my baby and not there's I will put her in clothes that her dad and myself approve of. So AITAH?

I am not The OOP, OOP is

AITAH for snapping my parents after they told me they used what was intended for college to help my brother and his family?

Originally posted to

Thanks to for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: ableism, favoritism

May 28, 2024

Obvious throwaway account.

I was not planning to go straight to college, I wanted to take a year off I saved up some money from work. More or less school, sports, and work is all I have done. I wanted to live a little before I go to college. I told my parents about this two years ago. I assured them I all intentions to go to school just wanted to live for a little before hand. It seems they were cool with it.

Advance about a year and a half I told my parents I was looking to start college next semester this is when they told me that I no longer had any money. They did not think I was going to use it, and my brother's wife was diagnosed with MS and can no longer work so they gave my brother my college fund. It was a sizable amount. My parents did not do put it into a 529 plan, my father created an investment account that was in his name but intended for me. Last I was told total amount was around $224,418. Account has been open for 19 and half years.

I get legally I had no claim to the money since it was in my father's name. I also get I am not entitled to my parents financial assistance with higher education. All that being said I lost it with my parents and told them off and said many hurtful things some I regret some I do not.

My parents have told my family and been getting calls and texts stating how hurtful my comments were and the money my dad gave my brother and his family saved them. My initial reaction is why is that my problem? I get it must suck going from two incomes to one, and having a two child ontop of a wife with MS has is appears to be aggressive. While callous how is that my problem? Why should my future he impacted over someone else's life?

My father is not even willing to cosign a loan with me. I mean I am still going to school, I know you go find ways to make it cheaper go to community college for gen Ed's and stuff the transfer. Many grants and scholarships.

AITAH for more or less telling my family they all ducking suck trying to preserve the future of someone that has no real future. His wife MS has aggressively progressed in the brief time she has had it. Gone from working to needing assistance getting to the bathroom. Sure it may not inherently be a life limting disease, but it sure is a mobility limiting disease and she is only 33 and she is already this bad? Hate to be that person my father made an bad investment. That money is going to get eaten up rather quickly.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Agoraphobe961

Info: did at any point did you or other relatives besides parents contribute to the fund? Your first statement sounds like you did which could give you some leeway for a legal case or at least leverage to get your dad to co-sign.

While you are not “owed” the money, your parents did spend 19 years giving you a verbal contract that you had a college fund

OOP

No I did not add to the account. I lived off the money I saved from working while also doing side hustles for extra cash when needed.

~

petitefunsassy

I don’t understand why they needed the entire amount right away.

I don’t get how you can be close and communicating you will be going to college and they give away the money you were counting on without talking to you about it?

I don’t get how your SIL ms issues aren’t covered by insurance and social security disability.

OOP

Living expenses, it appears getting disability for MS is rather annoying to get. I do not know the extra details but I do know his wife did make good money before, she made more than my brother. They also have kids so yeah I am sure they money helped them a lot.

I do not know the ins and outs of their situation to answer your questions accurately.

When asked if he was living at home and off his parents

I was not no, as mentioned I had some money saved up I lived off that and did side hustles when I need extra cash. I did not live with my parents either shared an apartment with my friends

OOP Updated the post the next day May 29, 2024

Update: Have not read all of the comments, but wanted to clear some things up I have seen. I am going to be 20 in January. I did get accepted to U of Penn I will have to see what options are available for me, if nothing is available I will probably just go the state school route. Thankfully I am going to school for electrical engineering with a focus in power systems. Hopefully means I will not have a hard time finding a job. Reason I took the year off before going to straight into college is because some friends I game with are also engineers and they told me if they had the option they would hold off a year or two before going to college since from that point on it is all a grind. So that is what I did, I told my parents my plan they said they were okay with it and even told me the account was not going anywhere.

It was my mistake to put my trust in my parents. I should have followed the the mindset only person you can count on is yourself. Which is what I am doing going forward. My family does not care about me, and that is fine. I acknowledge what I said was harsh and I could have framed what I said better. Point still stands as others have pointed out. The money is a band aide, they are going to run through it and find themselves in a similar situation down the road. Sure I have options aviabile, but comparing them isn't getting my SIL on Medicaid a much cheaper and more viable option? Insurance could help fund her treatments and assistance she may need for as long as she qualifies.

The money will run out, and what then? I hope for my brother's and his family sake our parents don't just pull the rug from underneath him later down the road. As I have found out their word holds little value.

I also do not believe for a moment everyone saying they would be understanding would be as understanding had this happen to them. It is easy to say from the sidelines but it is hard to be open minded to the situation when you planned around a certain thing being there especially because your parents promised you. You expect your parents to be the ones that will keep a promise with their child.

Does not matter, at this point I know exactly where I stand. My brother not only had his college paid for by our parents, he has got a house from them as a wedding gift. I am unaware if he knew the money he got was my college fund or what but I do not care at this point. I will be fine going forward this is not the end of the world for me. So many people go to school without their parents money I can also do it. This is less about the money and more so the fact they are taking a piss on me and trying to pass it off as rain. I would have been more understanding if they just came to me at told me what they planned to do. I would be pissed but I could respect their honesty. How they went about it was scummy.

To those that are also saying they parents would not sign my loans because of what I said. I asked about the cosigner before I said all those things. At first I was upset but I knew with them cosigning I could still pay for school, and given their financial situation hopefully my rate would be on the lower side. Everything blew up the moment they told me they could not cosign a loan with me. So yeah I doubt that is why they said no.

I will keep reading the comments and will answer some I see throughout the day.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

cgm124

Honestly I would go NC and block them from your life, what did your parents say to you when you called them out?

OOP

Nothing to me, they just checked out. Clearly they had a lot to say to my family though. Given the phone calls and text messages.

I know where I stand with them and yeah I am done with them.

~

heepofsheep

Have you talked to your brother? He basically got both college funds… would he be willing to at least co sign your loans?

If your parents wanted to help that badly why didn’t they take a loan against their 401k?? Hell they could still do that fund your college…. Except of course they’d be sacrificing their wellbeing instead of theirs….

OOP

Part of me wants to I really do but I am also afraid. I want to ask if he knew it was my college fund he was getting. I am afraid of the answer. Doubt I will ask though if I am being honest.

Yeah that is a good question. Overall they probably feel the same way I do. Why should they have to suffer because another person is sick. They just come off as being the good guys in this equation because they offered help. Knowing my parents especially my dad the money was never part of their plans. It was more or less extra money.

Why take a year off after high school

I took a year off because I saved up most of my pay over from 16 to 18. Had I known they were going to give away my college fund if I did not go I would have just gone.

I thought it was best to take a year off now, cause after college I will be spending most of my life working. I had the means, I was using the money I saved nothing from my parents.

I made a plan based on a promise. You are right though if you cannot trust your parents to keep a promise who can you trust.

LAST COMMENTS FROM OOP

I am more so mad that my older brother got his free ride, a house when he got married, and on top got my free ride also. Yeah I came to vent, I also don't buy others wouldn't be upset either. My parents knew my plan, were on board, told me the money would be there when I was ready. Then when you go to collect they tell you it is all gone, and then when you ask if they would he willing to cosign they also say no. Pretty sure most people would be livid in that situation also. Sure maybe they would say what I said but the raw emotion probably would be present in nearly everyone. It is easy to say from the sidelines how they would handle it. Sure I am sure people will say they will handle it with grace. Good for you.

I will be fine, I am still going to school and I will make sure to learn my lesson that I cannot count on my parents to keep their word and I will make sure I never in a position where I am relying on handouts. My parents taught me a great lesson cannot trust anyone but yourself not even family.

When called on talking about someone with MS and what OOP said

So you have never said anything hurtful in the heat of the moment after you had the rug pull from you?

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I made the mistake of moving near my aunt and uncle, they're elderly and they've been begging me for endless favors. Mow the lawn, cook, pick up prescriptions, clean their house, pick up the dog shit, etc. I've even been called over to help her naked, drunk, ass out of the tub.

I work nights, I can't do everything for them. I tried setting them up with a day time nurse, cleaning company and yard guy, showing them how to order groceries online. They tried to renegotiate the prices afterward and even accused the nurse of stealing.

Today I got begged into cleaning, the moment she tossed a cigarette butt on the floor I lost it. I wrote down the cleaning company name on a paper towel and told her that was the last straw. Don't ever call me to come over again.

Her druggy daughter called, I told her off. To either help but to not talk to me, if she calls to yell at me again I'll file charges for harassment.

They'll either get the help they've been offered and they can easily afford it, or they'll live in filth and die. I no longer care. I'm a nephew, not some maid that can be belittled and told to pick up a tossed cigarette butt.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is . She posted in .

Thanks to for the recommendation

Mood Spoiler: hopeful ending

Original : May 27, 2024

My (35f) fiancé (34m) was chasing our 22 month old around the house for fun. The fun ended abruptly when he slipped on the floor and smacked his head on the tile. It was so hard I felt the vibration from 10 feet away. My fiancé immediately swept him up and held him. He cried for a good 15 minutes and there was a huge bloodshot lump on the back of his head. Our son is a magnet for head hitting and I've always been worried but this time it was so hard that I felt it in my gut. Quite literally I wanted to vomit from fear and started tearing up. He seemed quiet lethargic after, just kind of slammed in his father's lap and not wanting a popsicle which are his favorite.

I begged my fiancé to take him to the hospital and when my mom chimed in in agreement, my fiancé stomped up the stairs to get changed. He came down and argued that we were overreacting and he's going to spend a but of money just for them to send him home. I told him I thought our sons pupils looked off when I shined a light and his demeanor was different so I'd feel better knowing he's ok by professionals. He reluctantly put our son in the car and we went to the ER.

Upon a couple of hours watch and some examinations, they decided that he was okay but said they totally understood why we would bring him in. The whole ride back and as we got ready for bed, my fiancé went off on me about how he was going to have to pay the bill for nothing and how he has to get up early for work with no sleep. (He'll get 6 hours which is more than I will since the ER doctor told us to monitor him for the next few days as symptoms could turn up later.) He also decided to throw a jab in about how I get to sleep in which is completely false as we have a newborn that I'm up feeding every 2 hours and both babies wake up about 10 minutes after he leaves.

I just kept reminding him that it was better to know he was okay rather than not being able to wake him up in the morning. I understand that ER bills can be expensive, but we have good insurance and I still echo that it's better safe than sorry. But AITAH for "strong-arming" him into going since everything turned out to be ok?

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Nta that man is a moron. You don't play with head injuries. When in doubt check it out. Ask him if the money and sleep are more important then his child if something has happened?

OOP: Even though he said "better safe than sorry" to the nurse he still continued to rip me a new one when we got home about how it was a waste of money and time. I feel vindicated knowing I made the right choice.

Commenter: NTA Any mom that is concerned for their son is not the asshole. I get your partners point about bills but at the end of the day, health and saftey matters the most.

If the injury sustained looked abnormal and genuinely concerning you have every right to bring your son in. And fuck the American Health care system.

OOP: He's always cried and went right back to being his energetic self. This time he just sat there quiet and I was so worried. And yes. The American Healthcare system can suck a big one.

(to a different commenter who misread her above comment as hating on the docs): The hospital staff were amazing. I'm not saying that. It's the price of it all that causes many people to turn away from help when they truly need it. I was so grateful for everyone on board last night to help my son the best that they could.

Commenter: Swing and a miss on the partner choice there. Oh well. You’re obviously NTA for taking a small child to the doctor for a potentially serious head injury. I’m sorry for the other issues you’ll be facing between now and your divorce. This can’t be the only thing fiancé is wildly reckless about. You could always not marry him, but knowing Reddit, I have a feeling you’ll conclude, “oh, he’ll change,” even though literally no one ever changes. At all. Ever.

OOP: I see your point there for sure. He's certainly not an abusive father by any means and he does love his sons very much. I think he was just raised differently because as a child he tried comparing it to a time he had a head injury so bad his head bled and he passed out. Not one adult took him to the hospital. So I guess he thought that was normal? From now on if there's any emergencies (God forbid) I'll be going solo. I don't need to feel guilt on top of my nauseating concern.

Commenter: NTA. Better safe than sorry. Your fiancé is a reckless asshole though. 

OOP: He does get our son hyped up. It makes me happy to see them playing, but crap like this always happens when he rough houses with him. I love my fiancé so much and he's a great father. I just wish he'd play more gently with him and not get mad when his actions indirectly cause a hospital trip.

(different commenter): The rough play definitely needs to stop. I have to have a talk with him after this event for sure.

Commenter: He’s not a great father. Denying a small child medical care for head trauma is not being a great father.

OOP: He did say "let's just keep an eye on him for a few hours to see if we need to go" but it was close to bedtime and I couldn't wait. And he did seem off to me so I felt it was the right thing. I think he just feels like that's my knee jerk reaction to everything. Which has only happened one other time when thought he swallowed a coin and the Dr's office told us to go in because they had a case once where the coin got stuck and the child needed surgery in their throat. That's the only reason we went. Because the Dr told us to. So I can see your point for sure.

Commenter: You were right to be concerned about a  possible concussion after that fall?! Your toddler can’t articulate all of the things he’s feeling, and you saw the signs that he was in pain and not his self.

Your fiancé’s response to your logical concerns is problematic.  Why hesitate if you have insurance, especially in case of a head injury that can have long term consequences?! Thank goodness your toddler is ok. NTA 

OOP: I'm starting to feel like there's something really wrong here with my fiancés logic. It is worrisome. I even cried asking "why aren't you as worried as I am about this?" And he said he was but his behavior showed otherwise.

There is no consensus bot on AITAH, but comments were a majority NTA

Update : May 28, 2024 (Next Day)

I got a lot of support from you all on the verdict. I want to say thank you first and foremost. It eased my mind to know that I wasn't just being an overreacting mom.

Our son is back to his energetic self and doing well. Of course he fell again when I whipped out a diaper to change him and ran from me screaming with laughter. Luckily he caught himself with his hands. I don't know what I'm going to do about this crazy kid.

There were a lot of comments saying my fiancé is a red flag and I can understand from that one scenario that he seemed to be at the time a big.. dick to say the least. I wanted to reiterate that he's actually a really great father. He's been stressing about money because of the new baby and working 6 days a week, beaten by the elements and doing heavy duty labor.

He ended up taking off from work yesterday and apologized for the way he reacted and talked to me. He felt terrible about it and spent most of the day holding our son and being grateful that he was alive. I guess my words sunk in about a wait and see attitude might have led to our son not waking up in the morning. He promised to no longer roughhouse with him anymore and gets shooken up whenever our son starts to run. I think my fiancé was a little traumatized that it was kind of his participation that led to our sons fall.

Thanks again for all the support!! Hopefully that's the first and last ER visit our bub has. With his high energy, I'll be crossing all of my fingers with hopefulness.

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Perhaps it's time to do something about the slippery floors? At this rate, it's gonna happen again.

OOP: The floor wasnt slippery. He slipped on one of his magnet blocks. Yesterday he fell outside on the patio. He just runs so fast that his little legs can't keep up with his momentum. My new rule is no running unless it's outside on grass

Commenter: Can we all agree that the real asshole in this situation is the broken and barbaric american healthcare system which would create a financial incentive to parents to not get their child medical care after an injury?

OOP: I do agree with you there. The staff was fantastic. It's the financial institution behind it all that pisses me off. My father couldn't afford to the ER for a severe migraine. Fastforward 2 years and it was an aggressive cancer that ended up spreading and ending his life. If he felt he could afford it, maybe they could've caught it in time.. the US Healthcare System is a POS

I am not The OOP, OOP is

My [25M] girlfriend [26F] of 1.5 years keeps spreadsheets rating her sex life and relationships. Found them while working on her computer. Don't know if I should tell her/ask to see the previous guys' ratings.

  Sept 12, 2014

My gf and I have been together for about a year and a half. She is amazing, intelligent, and caring. We don't live together, but we're considering moving in together in January when her lease is up. We pretty much spend all of our nights together though.

Anyway, I spent the night at her place last night, and ended up using her computer for work. This morning I needed to email the document I'd been working on last night to myself at work. I couldn't remember where I'd saved it, so I just searched the computer for any files with my name. Two pop up: one is the document I was working on before, and the other is an excel spreadsheet titled "Sex and Relationships." So...I opened it.

From what I could tell, she has been keeping this spreadsheet since her first relationship (9 years). She has a tab for each sex partner/relationship, where she notes the dates of sex, rates the sex, notes what sex acts, and rates the relationship (not entirely sure what that means either). It was open on my tab, since I'm the most recent, so I read all of her sex/relationship ratings...and they start out pretty high (I think...don't know the scale), but have been getting lower over the past 2 months.

It basically took all of my willpower, but I didn't look at the other guys' tabs. Thinking about seeing the other guys' sex acts column and the ratings just makes me sick to my stomach. So I just closed the spreadsheet, emailed myself my work document, and went to work. I've just been stewing since then, though, and becoming more and more insecure about the sex ratings. I'm so tempted to read the other guys' ratings, but I know that would be wrong as well as self-torture really. I already feel kind of shitty for reading even my tab, but at the same time, I'm kind of offended by the fact that she RATES our sex life and relationship, like it's just a performance eval at work or something. I don't know. Obviously something is wrong with our sex life, so I need to talk to her about that, but there haven't been any signs of that from my perspective, so she's probably going to realize I saw the spreadsheet if I randomly bring it up. So what do I do? Do I tell her what I saw? Am I overreacting by being a little angry about her rating me and our relationship? Also, isn't keeping track of your sex life to this extent kind of odd?

I haven't seen her since I found the spreadsheet. She had already left for work when I saw it.

---   tl;dr: GF rates all her relationships/sex partners. My sex ratings are getting lower. I don't know how to approach this with my gf, and I'm a little offended by even the concept of rating our relationship/me. I also keep thinking about the previous guys' ratings and getting insecure.

Edit: the document I emailed myself was my work file. Not her spreadsheet. I worded it weird.

RELEVANT COMMENT

RememberKoomValley

What, all the times you have sex? I mean, I've certainly made lists of past experiences when looking for patterns ("Am I dating the same kind of asshole again?") but not with a current relationship.  That's pretty weird. Is she a generally mathematical sort of person?

Good for you, not looking at the other tabs. Don't. No good will come of it.

When is the last time the two of you sat down and had a discussion about how things are going?  Do you do that with any regularity?

OOP

Yeah, as far as i can tell, every time we've had sex. Also, she very much is a mathematical person. She has a hard time opening up with emotions sometimes, but usually if I initiate a conversation about how she's feeling about something, she opens up. Last time we had a serious discussion was when we talked about moving in together. That was maybe a month or so ago? Definitely within the timeframe of when the sex ratings were already dropping, so idk what's up. Why would you want to move in with someone when you feel your sex life is not only poor, but getting worse? That makes no sense to me.

edit: I meant "poor" in relation to how she felt in the beginning of our relationship, since the ratings were getting lower for something like a month before our conversation about moving in together.

~

spreadsheets4life

Whoops! You replied at the exact second I decided to put this on a throwaway instead, in case my boyfriend finds my username ;) I'll just quote my old reply below I guess just in case.

Anyway, I think the ratings are a bit cold too but I can see how they might not feel cold to her. After all, she doesn't expect anyone else to read them, so to her they're just a kind of shorthand for all the complex thoughts she has about it but doesn't feel like writing down.

My previous reply:

For a second I was scared my boyfriend had found my spreadsheet. Except I don't do the ratings... that just seems cold. Also, difficult to quantify or keep consistent standards for. I do keep a color-coded spreadsheet of everyone I have ever had sex with, the dates of when we had sex, and sometimes notes on the experience, such as any factors that might have led to it being especially good one time. I also keep spreadsheets of: everything I eat on days when I take my adderall and when in the day I eat it; how many hours per day I program (color-coded by project), and how long it takes me to complete any one chunk of my project; how many social interactions I have per day and who I have them with (with automated script to send emails out to schedule meals if I've gone too long without seeing any one of a specific list of close friends); how many mL of water I drink over the course of the day and when I drink it. I am just the kind of personality that likes data, if that makes any sense. (I also fucking love doing my taxes.) It's the same kind of impulse that drives some people to journal every day, I just find it inefficient to write things down in sentences most of the time. Maybe your girlfriend is the same way, and the fact that she's keeping the sexcel spreadsheet doesn't mean anything other than that she's perhaps a bit odd and thinks it's funny or interesting. It doesn't seem like she is sharing the spreadsheet with anyone, which would be a real issue. What would you do if instead of a spreadsheet a microsoft word document containing her diary had popped up instead with diary entries about her thoughts on your sex life and relationship trajectory? Would you still feel offended that she is journaling her thoughts and feelings in a private place?

Personally, I think I would respect her privacy and not read the rest of the spreadsheet and maybe not even tell her that you saw it in the first place (she may get angry and embarrassed). I would try to have a general conversation with her about whether there is anything she wants to try in bed to make your sex life even better, etc.

  Sept 15, 2014 (3 days later)

I thought I should update you guys. Thanks for all the advice. I decided to tell her about my snooping, despite the general consensus being that that would be foolish. My reasons for it were:

1. I felt bad about snooping.

2. I’m terrible at keeping things from people. It probably would’ve come out eventually, so I felt it was best to do it ASAP and in a planned/controlled manner.

3. I still didn’t feel comfortable about the ratings and wanted to understand why she does it and what it means to her. I love her, so I want to understand how her brain works.

4. I wanted to address the sexual issues in a straightforward manner. I know everyone was recommending I just do this organically, but we did a lot of that in the first few months of our relationship. I felt it would come off as odd if I suddenly started asking if she was okay/enjoying the stuff she’s been telling me she prefers for 1.5 years, and she would definitely ask me why I was concerned. Didn’t want to have to lie.

Here’s how it went:

I didn’t end up talking to her Friday night because she was busy (exercise class with a friend). It ended up being a good thing, because I still wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. And like I said, I have a hard time hiding things, so she definitely would’ve known something was up. I just ruminated on the whole thing night Friday and finally decided I’d tell her.

So last night, I told her the whole story, and she knew where it was going pretty much, because she started covering her face when I said I searched for my name. When I explained that I only looked at my tab, though, she was really relieved. I apologized for even opening it in the first place, but she wasn’t really upset about that. She said that she understood the compulsion once I saw the title, she felt it was different from someone who goes out of their way to purposely snoop on their SO, and the fact that I told her instead of hiding it really helped. She said she was relieved I didn’t look at the other tabs, because that would’ve been a much bigger violation of privacy (and not just her privacy, but also the guys’ privacy) and definitely would’ve been an act of jealousy/insecurity rather than curiosity.

The whole time she was explaining this, I was just thinking THANK GOD I DIDN’T FUCKING OPEN THOSE OTHER TABS. Seriously, I am so fucking happy I did not look at those tabs. Cannot stress this enough. I almost fucked up my relationship a lot.

Anyway, as for the whole question of why she keeps track and what the ratings mean, was spot on. She just really likes keeping track of her own personal data. She has spreadsheets for her health (recording her weight, how energetic she feels, allergy symptoms, so on…) and even some completely silly ones like keeping track of how long her hair is. I told her I was worried since I saw the sex ratings were decreasing and I wanted to know what I should do differently. She said the ratings were about her personal enjoyment, not my performance.

Apparently, she’s gained a bit of weight over the past couple months, and she felt her own self-image was keeping her from enjoying sex as much. That’s why she joined a gym and decided to go to the exercise class this week. I was totally flabbergasted by this, because I honestly have not noticed the weight gain. I told her that, and she was basically like, you’re sweet but completely oblivious sometimes. I made sure to let her know that I think she’s gorgeous and sexy and has no reason to feel badly about her body. She said that’s all fine and good, but this was more about her internal validation than external validation.

She said this has happened before in previous relationships, and because of the spreadsheets, she was able to figure out the problem and fix it. I said I understood, but I’d really like it if she told me that she wasn’t enjoying sex as much, so I could help her. She said she hadn’t thought to tell me, because she was already taking steps to fix it. I asked her to please just tell me anyway. It’s not fun to have sex if the other person isn’t having fun too. I’m actually going to start making healthier foods for the two of us, since I suspect the weight gain is probably partially my fault since I love to cook and am always making comfort foods.

All in all, it went way better than I could have ever expected! She doesn’t think I’m a horrible sex partner, and I now know how I can help our sex life. She was a little concerned about me finding out about her spreadsheets though. Apparently a previous bf found out and freaked out and told her she was too cold and robotic. I said that now that I understand why she does it, I realize it’s not that unlike a diary (thank you to the people who made this comparison in the original thread! It really helped me). She was very happy to hear that.

Sorry this update took so long. It was a busy weekend, and my gf had some data she needed help gathering

---   tl;dr: I told her. She wasn’t too upset about the snooping, she explained the sex ratings were more about her than about me, and we’re going to work on being healthier together so her self-image can be back where it was before.

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Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old.

Trigger Warning: Suspected (but false accusation of) domestic violence, mention of BDSM

May 21, 2024

I(43M) have been married to my wife (45F) for 15 years now. We have 3 kids (9F, 6F and 2M).

My wife and I are kinky, we are mainly into bondage and some mild impact play (relevant).

Since we had kids, we had to cut back on our “play time”. Maintaining a vanilla sex life is already challenging with 3 kids, let alone carving the kid of alone time needed to safely engage in BDSM.

About a month ago, we asked my sister (48F) to take the kids for a weekend so we can have some alone time. She agreed to take pick them up from our house Friday evening, and drop them off Sunday night.

Saturday evening, while we were engaging in some bondage and impact play, my sister starts blowing my phone. By the time I was able to answer (I had to take care of my wife’s safety first), my sister is knocking our door down.

We were frantic, and didn’t do a good enough job at hiding the rope marks on my wife’s wrists. My sister says that her daughter is in the hospital (just a simple sprain while playing soccer) and she needs to go. And, we didn’t notice, but she clocked my wife’s “bruises”.

The next day, she arranges some alone time with my wife, and tells her if I’m abusing her, then she will support her to report me and leave me. My wife was embarrassed, but she explained the whole thing to my sister. Then she told me what happened.

I talked with my sister, and also explained the situation, even if it was very mortifying. She seemed to accept our explanation.

Fast forward two weeks, and we get the cops and a CPS agent at our front door. Apparently there was an anonymous complaint that I was physically abusing my wife and kids.

I was treated like a criminal, the kids were questioned separately, as was my wife. I didn’t even think about my sister, but my wife did. She took everyone to our bedroom, showed them our toys, and even offered to show them some homemade movies if it was going to convince them. Thankfully they believed her and then left.

My wife again called my sister, who admitted to calling the cops multiple times, but when they did nothing, she called CPS and hoped that they will investigate.

My wife again showed her our toys, went into explicit details I never wanted anyone to know about our intimate life, and finally my sister was convinced. She said that she was sorry, but she was only doing what she thought what was right.

But I was deeply hurt that she thought that I was capable of doing what she accused me of, that she could have cost me my kids, my freedom and my job. So I told her that I am not ready to forgive her.

She says that I am the AH, that it was a logical conclusion, and that I should be happy that she is willing to go this far to protect my wife and kids. So AITA?

AITAH does not have a consensus bot, but the vast majority of comments were NTA

Commenter:

It was the logical conclusion before you let her know what was going on. It was not the logical conclusion after that. Especially as there was no evidence anything was being done to the children. That part especially is fabricated.

NTA

Commenter:

That's your sister? Man....that's tough. I wouldn't forgive her either. This could have been much much worse for you. Guaranteed she doesn't realize that at all.

Commenter:

NTA, tell her so are you by limiting contact with a danger aka her to your family because that is what she is. You explained everything and yet she didn't believe you. What will happen next time she doesn't believe you or your wife and think she knows best?

She admitted to calling multiple times and when that didn't work, she called cps meaning she has no problem escalating things on nothing but a hunch of what she thinks happens even when you and your wife told her she was wrong.

Yes, you should be so thankful your sister doesn't listen to your explanation and is ready to ruin your life all on what she thinks happened. /s (if it wasn't obvious)

Edit: Forgot to put the sarcasm symbol

Commenter:

NTA

Anyone who thinks I'm a dangerous criminal is no longer welcome in my life. Anyone who calls CPS to have my kids removed from my home is no longer welcome in my life. Frankly, I would feel unsafe with my kids around someone who so easily believes I could be abusive. Who knows what else they'll talk themselves into?

Your sister sat your wife down, talked to her, and still called CPS. She's not someone I'd ever trust around your kids ever again. She's going to keep going until she's "proven right."

Another Commenter replies:

I’m wondering if the calls was more about the sister not liking their alternative lifestyle and not at all about the families safety.

But sister had crossed a line and would never enter my home again and would be banished from my life as well.

A Third Commenter chimes in:

It’s not uncommon for people to conflate the two. “If you enjoy giving pain to your spouse, then you must enjoy giving it to your kids” or “if you like to role play that, then that must mean you actually want that” which in both cases is just so far off base it can make me nauseous.

May 29, 2024

So, I read almost all of the comments, but I was too emotionally exhausted to answer. Sorry about that.

Some things happened since then:

First of all, I took your advice, and went NC with my sister and her family. I tried to go NC just with her, but she would use her husband and kids to try and get in contact with me and my wife. We also had her name taken off the school/daycare pickup list, in case she tries anything there.

Second of all, I also took your advice, consulted with a lawyer that I ended up hiring. His advice to me was to document everything. He requested a copy of both the police and CPS reports, as well as all the texts she sent me and my wife.

And lastly, he filed for an order of protection, he said that there is a small chance that it will be granted, because while she is harassing us, she is not threatening or anything. But it will be good to have it on record, in the case of any future altercations.

We are also installing security cameras outside and inside the house, as just an in case measure.

Thankfully the kids did not understand exactly what happened, my eldest even thinks that it’s cool that she met a “pretty policewoman”, so at least no therapy for the kids.

Thank you everyone, for all your advice.

Commenter:

She attempted to nuke your life. And put your kids in the system.

A good 10 year timeout is in order.

Commenter:

Regarding the school/daycare pickup lists, I recommend that you emphasize IN PERSON to the admins and teachers that your sister is no longer permitted near your children and may not pick them up under any circumstances. There’s always that one teacher that doesn’t get the message and just goes along.

Commenter:

It's always unfortunate when people can't just mind their own business, when I was in high school some dumb girl started telling everyone I beat my girlfriend because she had a black eye.

That she got in her shotokan karate class she had been in since middle school. That she had been very proud and upfront of having a blue belt in. Although skill wise she was probably more closer to purple/brown she was just anxious about testing.

Neither of us even knew this girl, she just outright started spouting off bullshit. I never even did shake it, that kind of shit can follow somebody around for years. I'm glad I moved out of that state and don't have to deal with any of those people.

Commenter:

I would definitely look into pursuing any legal complaints you can make against her. She basically admitted because the cops wouldn't do anything she lied to CPS about you beating the kids so that someone would investigate. Even if you want to say that she didn't do anything legally wrong for reporting the bruises to the cops to investigate there was no mention of bruises on the kids or of the kids mention anything about getting hit so it's crazy of her to make up stuff and still think she's in the right.

Commenter:

And lastly, he filed for an order of protection, he said that there is a small chance that it will be granted, because while she is harassing us, she is not threatening or anything. But it will be good to have it on record, in the case of any future altercations.

This is how I know this is a real post. They don't give those out unless there is a threat of violence. It is a really high bar. I would be shocked if you got it.

Editor's Note: I'm marking this as concluded. While I wouldn't be shocked if OOP's sister didn't try to escalate things, the initial cause for the post is pretty much resolved.

Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See rule 7.

My parents got divorced when my siblings and I were in middle school/high school. We're now in our 20s. Dad got married 2 years after the divorce. He met his wife and married her in 6 months because she was planning to move back to her home state and he didn't want to do the long distance thing. So we didn't really know her when he told us they had eloped in Vegas. She, however, thought we were all super close and was really disappointed when our reactions were pretty muted to their news.

This started her off being jealous of my mom. She was jealous of the closeness we had with mom. Then she was jealous of the fact we got along so well with our mom's partner (and we're still close) even though mom and him never got married.

Dad's wife started showing up all glam to school functions and football games that we were involved in. She looked like she was attending a wedding or a red carpet. And she'd make snarky comments about dressing up to support "her kids" while looking right at my mom. She would throw us these lavish birthday parties and invite both sides of our family and then attempt to dress us in matching outfits (the birthday kid and her). It always made her twitchy when we didn't want to dress like her. When my twin siblings turned 16 and my sister and mom had matching necklaces my dad's wife actually went home to change and wore the same color dress as my sister.

She talks like mom is somehow less than her because she's not remarried. She gloats that she has a ring on her finger. That she shares the same last name as us (the kids). Just all kinds of petty things. She's someone we tolerate but we don't like her and if we could exclude her from our lives without losing our dad we would.

I'm getting married and so is one of my brothers (the twin). My dad's wife has not been invited to any fittings, tastings, viewing, etc by either my fiancé and I or my brother and his fiancée. But mom has been invited to stuff on both sides and my dad's wife was so upset by it. She asked my brother about being invited to something first and he said no, just no, nothing else and she pestered him for a while before moving onto me and she broke down over it and said she can't understand not being included in pre-wedding activities. I told her she's not included because her one sided contest with my mom is pathetic and none of us want to deal with that.

She said it was such a mean thing to say and all she's ever tried to do is earn that spot as our mom but we treat our mom's partner who isn't even our stepdad like he's more important than her. She was crying harder while saying all this.

AITA?

I have only been married to my husband for 6 years, but we have been together for 16 years. We are high school sweethearts and very happily married. During those 16 years, I have attended almost every major family event for his family. His mom's side of his family is very Catholic and so is my husband. It should be pretty obvious by now that I'm not religious. I never go to any major church holiday event. I always opt out of Sunday mass with his family. I never pray during family prayer. We did get married in a Catholic church (We were honest with the pastor about everything), but there were some things I couldn't do because I was not Catholic so again it should have been obvious. Pretty much the only time I step foot in a church is if it's a funeral or a wedding.

I was a bit shocked during my baby shower by the sheer number of religious gifts that I got from that side of the family. I have been to other baby showers before with his family and I have not seen a single religious gift. But I got everything from books to clothes to stuffed animals that sing scripture.

Our compromise on religion was that It would be her choice and that we would both follow through with her choices. I grew up in religious schools and felt it was very bad for me. So even doing that was a big compromise for me because I think religion can be cruelly manipulative.

I haven't rushed to throw everything out. The baby will be here in the next few weeks. But it's probably going to happen. I don't really want my baby growing up with religious stuff all around her. It wasn't what we agreed to but I know it might ruffle some feathers.

WIBTA If I throw out all the religious baby gifts?

Sorry my english is not very good.

I am originally from Mexico, sometimes I visit the USA, I was at an event and a friend brought her co-worker.

She started saying things about "Latinx", I told her that I didn't like that word and she said that I was exaggerating and insisting on calling myself Latinx because "it was the correct way", she also said that she was more Latinx than me because "She was darker skinned than me."), that I was more of a descendant of conquistadors (I have white skin).

Be careful, one thing is Latin, which also includes some Europeans and another Latin American.... but I put it in general. But I am Latinoamericana.

Well, I love my culture and my heritage. I told her that she was a Gringa R. And then I proceeded to offend her in Spanish and only talk to her in Spanish (she doesn't speak Spanish). She and my friend got upset.

Upon returning to Mexico, EVERYONE I know was angry at the woman's words, and they said that in my case they would have done the same. Especially since she was "more Latina because she was brown skin." My friend Kim, was born in Korea, but grew up in Latin America, he knows the culture and has experienced the same difficulties as everyone, he speaks the language and by Latin American standards he is Latin.

No Latino who speaks the language, who has lived in Latin America and who has the culture in his heart, likes the term Latinx. Possibly people of Latin descent like it, but they are Americans of Latin descent (Do Americans of European ancestry call themselves European?). At least the opinion of the Latinos, I know seems more like another imposition from Americans, not respecting our already inclusive language (spanish lenguage).

But my friend refuses to talk to me because he says to cross the line, so reddit. AITAH?

Edit: By r-word I was referring to Racism, I repeat my English is not very good. sorry for the confusion

My cousin is currently dating my ex, with whom I ended things amicably. Although I no longer have feelings for him, I do not want him at my wedding, a day that is incredibly important to me. I do not want him there to potentially overshadow the happiness of the occasion. Additionally, their relationship is still quite new, and I worry that if they break up, my cousin will be glad that he is not in any of the photos.

When my cousin brought up the issue of bringing her boyfriend as a plus one, I told her that she could not bring him. She became upset and tried to argue her case. Feeling frustrated, I finally told her that if she insisted on having him there, then I would rather she not be there at all. Now she is angry with me.

I understand where my cousin is coming from, but I feel that she is not considering my feelings and the feelings of my own partner, whom I also have to consider when planning wedding. Am I in the wrong for standing my ground on this issue

I’m a gay dude and Harry Potter has been pretty much blacklisted in the community. As most of my friends are LGBT as well, this means that I know almost no one in close proximity that has any sense of tolerance for the subject.

But I really don’t care. I watch the movies when I’m upset to feel grounded, and I recently registered to the books on audio and I really liked revisiting all the things I’d forgotten about that weren’t in the films.

It’s just a part of my past and childhood and a comfort to me that I simply won’t let go of. When I was kid I didn’t even know who JK Rowling was, it was just a name on my first full length novels I’d ever read.

I’m in that space now. As long as JK Rowling herself has never physically laid a hand on anyone to literally hurt them, I don’t care what her political opinions are.

And I’m gonna keep being a fan of these books, and I’m gonna watch the new series on HBO, too. Guess I’m a Slytherin now 👌

As ever, I am NOT the original poster. That is . He originally posted in . His most recent update is posted directly to his account.

Trigger warning: child abuse, drugs, abandonment, leukemia, chemotherapy

Mood spoiler: optimism and hope amidst terrible trials

: September 15, 2023

Hi dads, when I (m32) was a teenager I dated a girl “K” One day K broke up with me out of the blue with no explanation. Fast forward 15ish years later. The police showed up at my apartment Long story short K was pregnant with my kid 15 years ago. She got charged with a bunch of drug charges and when they asked if her daughter could go to any family she said I was the dad. Well after a paternity test, I do have a 15 year old daughter with K.

So my daughter Is going to come live with me today. I'm not a “dad” I don't have kids or a significant other, just dogs. So I'm pretty clueless when it comes to being a dad or taking care of a kid especially one who's a teenager. After talking with her social worker, she says she's K was neglectful to my daughter and isn't going to be used to being taken care of or having structure which will be a big adjustment for her. The social worker says I need to be patient with her and just show her love and support even if she doesn't want it.

I have a room all ready for her in my apartment It is pretty basic because I didn't want to overwhelm her. So yeah she's coming today… just hoping for some support maybe some tips.

____________________

: September 19, 2023

I (32) posted on Friday that my daughter (15) was coming to live with me. Who I had no idea about until her mother went to jail on a bunch of drug charges. It has been a big adjustment for both my daughter and myself. I told her when I first picked her up that I know this is very new for both of us so I know it's going to take some time to adjust.

She has been through a lot from what I can tell. She's very underweight, and not used to constantly having meals. I put a snack bin in her room so she hopefully doesn't feel the need to hide food at least stuff that isn't supposed to be left out. I told her she could get food from the kitchen whenever she wanted but that seemed to overwhelm her so it's now a snack bin. I also have breakfast and dinner (lunch on weekends) at a consistent time so she just knows a meal is going to happen. She also has nightmares and screams, of course, she hasn't told me what they're about (I don't expect her to yet) but whatever it was it was it was traumatic for her. So I'm in the process of finding a therapist for her.

For some more positive things, I got her to open up enough to find out some things about her. Firstly, she loves my dogs we took them on a walk together. She's smart loves to read. And she likes to play basketball. I of course told her some stuff about me.she's pretty quiet and reserved. I expected her to not be really open with me considering I am a stranger to her. But things so far aren't too bad going relatively well.

____________________

: September 29, 2023

So probably a lot of you guys seen the post about me (m32) recently finding out about my 15 year old daughter and getting custody of her.

Well things have been going pretty good so far, today she was sitting in the kitchen doing homework and once she finished she started playing with my dogs but left a few papers out after putting the rest away I asked what those are she said oh just some test I had this week… I asked if I could see them. She said sure she had gotten A’s on 3 test (chemistry, history, and geometry) after being at the school for less than 2 weeks. I was honestly very impressed not because I don't think she's not smart but because She just started at a new school and is having big life adjustment. I told her that was amazing and ended up going on about how at her age I didn't care about the school aspect of school just cared about sports and my friends.

She said I enjoy learning and reading it helps me get away from life... Then it hit me it was her way of escaping from the assumingly not good life with her mom and focus her mind on something else like learning and reading. It honestly makes me really sad to think about…

____________________

: October 3, 2023

I (m32) have been posting on here kind of a lot recently. Basically, I recently not only found out but also got custody of my 15 year old daughter. Even though I don't know a lot just based on speculation her mom wasn't a good mother and the poor girl has been through a lot.

Earlier we were out to eat because I didn't feel like cooking and I found out my daughter never had tacos. So we went out for tacos, and we were having a very casual conversation until a mother with her two young daughters (I would say both girls under 10) came in you could just tell the girls were having fun with their mom and all 3 just clearly loved each other. Well, my daughter got quiet and kept staring at them. I didn't want to pry so I kept quiet. She didn't say anything until randomly on the drive home she said sometimes it's hard seeing girls have a good relationship with their mom… I get jealous because my mom and I never did. Then she started crying and let me know she wanted to be left alone the rest of the night.

It was hard seeing her cry and upset it is also difficult to know even though I'm now around in my daughter's life and I'm trying to be a good parent. she still spent the first 15 years of her life not having a good relationship with her mom and I can't fix that I wish I could but I can't which sucks because she didn't deserve to be neglected and possibly abused. I'm just in my feelings and really sad for my daughter.

____________________

, November 22, 2023:

I (m32) have shared here about my getting full custody of my daughter (15) who I did not know about. It has been a little over 2 months, she gives me a hard time honestly. I haven't yelled at her or anything like that I understand she's been through it we’re both in therapy to help.

Well, this whole week she has been really rude and arguing with me it has been very rough. During one of the arguments she ended up telling me some very personal stuff I'm not going to share but I will say she had a very rough start to life. I was trying my best to comfort her she seemed like she was having a panic attack.

We were just sitting in silence and she said you know you're pretty good at the whole dad thing for being a newbie. I laughed and said thank you and told her being her dad had been enjoyable… it was silent for a while but then she said thanks, Dad.

that made my whole year to be honest been having a bit of happy tears

____________________

, January 29, 2024

I (m32) have shared quite a few posts on here about finding out I had a teen daughter with an ex of mine. My daughter was also neglected and both physically and mentally abused by her mother. After drug charges, she came to live with me.

Things have been going well she even once referred/called me dad. We still have tough days but therapy has helped her a lot and I'm even in therapy now to help with this big life adjustment.

A little over a month ago my daughter started feeling fatigued, was losing weight (that sadly took a while for her to gain), and was pale and just seemed unwell. I was worried and started taking her to the doctors they were convinced it was just a bad cold that was going around. But it lasted way longer than any cold should. So I took her to other doctors. One recently decided to run some tests I honestly didn't know what would be wrong with her at certain points I figured I was a new dad and just over-worrying about my daughter.

Today we found out she has Leukemia… this poor girl has had such a tough life already and now this. I am pissed… I am upset… I am terrified. I've had family members go through chemo so I know it's no easy task and that'll mentally be hard on both of us. Extremely physically hard on my poor girl. She hasn't said much since we found out earlier this morning.

I would just like you guys to send good vibes/messages and possibly advice if you have any.

____________________

, March 1, 2024

I have shared a lot here about my daughter (f15). I didn't know about her until the police came to my door wondering if I could take her in. Her mother my ex was neglectful, mentally and sometimes physically abusive towards my daughter. I was just working on building a relationship with her and we were starting to get close.

A little Over a month ago she got diagnosed with cancer… leukemia specifically… life has not been fair at all to this poor girl. She has been doing inpatient chemo for almost a month now that's been rough. She's either quiet or verbally attacking me and taking her anger out on me. I haven't said much about that I understand she's angry I mean she's only 15 a sophomore in high school and has been through so much. She's been doing virtual therapy sessions with her therapist and talking to people at the hospital as well.

She's coming home in a few days she will hopefully he'll, be able to relax in her bed, she gets to see my dogs which she loves dearly. It's been mentally draining for both of us (mostly her I know ).

She lost most of the weight she was able to gain living with me (she was extremely underweight when she came to live with me) even with antinausea meds she just doesn't have an appetite right now. Chemo has made reading harder and she refuses to listen to audiobooks so she's grumpy about not reading since it's something that has always brought her comfort. And it's just clear she's upset and frustrated which is understandable and why I let her kind of get upset with me but I do let her know that what she says hurts me… but I know she's a teenager who has been hurt her whole life and now going through something extremely difficult.

____________________

(***NOTE: In this post, OOP shared a selfie of his daughter. As stated previously, please be respectful of OOP's show of good faith in sharing this with Reddit.)

, March 6, 2024

Hi everyone this is with permission from her I'm posting a picture of my daughter coming home from a month of inpatient chemo.

I'm the one who posts on here a lot about how I got my daughter who I didn't know about. My last post was about dealing with her new cancer diagnosis. She was super happy to be home, be able to lay/ sleep in her own bed, see our dogs.

I have been reading to her we (I) started the Divergent book series which is actually really good I've never read them before.

Since being home she has been in a better mood compared to being in the hospital but chemo / cancer has been still so mentally difficult on her. It's also been hard on me not in the same way of course but just because I love her and hate seeing her go through this especially after everything she's been through. She also tends to take her frustration out on me verbally which is okay… I know this is hard on her. She's only 15 and has been through a lot.

Anyway just wanted to give a bit of an update on everything.

____________________

NEW UPDATE: , May 28, 2024

Hi everyone! It's been a while. I have shared many posts about my 15 year old daughter who I didn't know existed until 8 months ago. It has been challenging especially with her getting diagnosed with cancer (leukemia).

Well, she has been so strong during this fight against Leukemia. I am beyond proud of her she is such a strong young lady who has gone Through so much throughout her life.

Well, tomorrow starts a whole new chapter for my daughter. She's getting a stem cell transplant!! It won't be easy but if it goes good this is going to do her so much good and my daughter will finally be able to live the life she deserves. So today she is getting spoiled by me and my whole family because for a while things are going to be really difficult for her.

So please send good vibes and thoughts our way and I also want to thank everyone for all the love and support we have gotten on here.

Let me preface this by saying that I really, really enjoy mowing my lawn.

My wife and I bought our house 5 years ago, and ever since, mowing the lawn has just brought out this peace inside me. So much so that I sold our riding lawn mower and bought a push mower. There is something so calm and relaxing about mowing at about 6:30 PM on a summer day. The sound of the mower, the smell of the cut grass, and overall, the world around me. Much of it reminds me of my kid days riding our bikes around in the neighborhood on summer evenings. Sometimes I listen to a podcast or music, but mostly it's just taking in the sounds of the outside. I like it so much that i will literally mow every 3 days, even if the grass barely needs a CM taken off the top, i will mow.

My wife however thinks this is ridiculous. She thinks more than once every 7-10 days is absurd. She may be right, but it's not like I am asking for much as it takes a whole 90 minutes to push mow the entire yard. I am essentially taking ~ 3-3.5 hrs. a week of Zen time.

I noticed over time as we would come home during the day, her way of gauging whether the lawn needed to be mowed was the length in the ditch at the mailbox. This is an area I tend to actually skip mowing and keep this particular area on a 1-1.5-week trim cycle because it is kind of pain in the ass spot, and we are on a country road, so it isn't exactly a curb appeal factor. After noticing this, I started raising the deck height on the mower to keep the grass higher in that spot and sure enough, she would keep saying how the grass would need to be mowed, which means I was good to go as usual on my 3-day mow cycle. This went well for 2 years until last night at dinner with friends. Drinks were flowing, laughs were being had, and our friend brought up mowing. The girls had this convo about men and their toys, yada yada, and during the laughs I blurted out to the male friend "Just do what I do and purposely make an area seem longer than it is" which was met with raucous laughter from all of us, except my wife. After about 10 seconds of laughter, I felt this intense heat on the right side of my face. It's a very familiar heat...Very distinct... Once I calmed down from laughing, it set in instantly what i just said. The heat I was feeling was the indescribable fury of her staring a hole through me. It was a very quiet night, and so far, a quiet morning.

TL;DR; TIFU by making a small scheme to find reasons to mow the grass, had a few too many fruity drinks at Texas Roadhouse which caused me to blurt out my lawn mowing scheme to our friends, wife gave me the million-mile death stare, has barely spoken to me.

Edit: We have no kids or neighbors to piss off.

Edit #2. We have essentially no other tasks. We are very routine with things. I cook every night then load the dishwasher, the vaccuming takes care of itself, and we spot mop. I go to trash disposal on Saturdays since we are rural with no trash pickup, we go to the grocery store together every saturday, and she does laundry on saturdays. We work in the same office, on the same schedule, M-F 9-5 and obviously ride together every single day