This article was co-authored by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.
This article has been viewed 278,598 times.
In a marriage, there are moments when tensions can run high and distance can grow. Many factors, like stress, exhaustion and lack of interest can affect your relationship and life together. If you already find yourself in such a situation, or if you just want to give your relationship a breath of new life, try reigniting romance and opening up communication. If the trust in your relationship has eroded, work to rebuild it.
Make dates. Ask your husband out. Take him to dinner, or dinner and a movie, or dancing. Pack a picnic for two. Ask him to meet you for lunch on a workday, or bike to brunch together on a sleepy weekend. Make it clear that it's a date: nobody else is invited, even the kids.
Dress up. Plan events that will require you to change out of your ordinary clothes. This could mean going to an elegant dinner, a dance class, or a themed event. It could even mean going swimming.
Plan (better) sex. Couples fall out of the habit of regular sexual encounters for a million reasons. The ways that you got together early in a relationship don't necessarily teach you how to maintain your sex life later on. Plan times and ways to have sex. If you always used to have sex at night, but are too tired now, find other times during the day.
Shower together, or fall in bed before dinner.
Please yourself. Be honest about what makes you orgasm, and what hurts or bores you. Ask for what you want: being selfless kills sex.
Ask him what he wants in return, and take turns satisfying one another's desires.
Make a date with him, and plan some creative details together (candles, costumes, trying something new.)
Having a plan will get you excited ahead of time.
Stick to it! Plans are useless if you don't follow through.
Touch. The intimacy built by physical contact cannot be underestimated. Whether or not your sex life is flourishing, your bodies should find their ways to one another. Hug him when he comes in the room, when he wants reassurance, or just when it occurs to you. Trade back massages, or offer to massage any part of him that is sore.
Kiss goodbye when one of you leaves the house, and kiss hello upon return.
Groom one another. Offer to brush his hair, or put his lotion or sunblock on. Ask for him to help you with your zipper, and offer to tie his tie.
Make eye contact when you talk. It is a powerful form of sensory connection.[1]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good MagazineJournal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier livingGo to source
Take a trip. Getting out of your ordinary spaces will allow you to break your ordinary habits and be more romantic. Go on a vacation together, without anyone else. Take a weekend trip, or just a night away from home, if you can't be away for long. Plan a vacation that won't be too stressful.
If one of you drives all the time for work, for instance, don't let it involve driving. Take the train or fly, or walk down the street to the local hotel.
Get nostalgic. Take a vacation to a place where you both had a lovely time together. Don't try to do everything exactly the same, but do the things you both liked best. Reminisce, and create new memories.
Tell him what you appreciate about him. Expressing gratitude for your partner can powerfully strengthen your relationship.[2]XExpert SourceSarah Schewitz, PsyD Licensed PsychologistExpert Interview. 15 April 2019. Think about everything you appreciate about him: his character, his actions, what he does for you. Find a calm moment and tell him exactly how you feel. Write it out first if that helps you organize your thoughts.
Make a practice of thanking him specifically for kind things he does for you.
Expand on the "thank you." Explain the lovely qualities he has that cause him to act kindly.[3]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good MagazineJournal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier livingGo to source
Instead of just saying "thanks for making me dinner. I loved it!" Say "Thank you for making me dinner. I see that instead of getting mad at me for being grouchy, you recognized that I was tired and hungry. You are a good cook, but you're also a truly thoughtful person."
Compliment him as well. The flirt will return to your relationship.
Spend quality time together. Take time to pay attention to one another every day.[4]XExpert SourceSarah Schewitz, PsyD Licensed PsychologistExpert Interview. 15 April 2019. Spend at least an hour a week alone together, focused on one another. This could be a meal, a walk, or just a while sitting on the couch after your children have gone to bed.
Ban certain subjects during quality time. Whatever you normally talk about (work, the kids, health concerns, money concerns) should be banned for at least the first 20 minutes of your quality time. Talk about your less dire shared interests, the news, or anything other than your everyday concerns.
Try new things. Sign up for classes and learn a new skill together, such as a language or a kind of cooking or dance. Go places together that you haven't gone before. Try to think of something you'd never do as a date, and then do that. The novelty will make your relationship feel young and new, and you'll get to see new sides of one another.
Play. Couples who have fun and laugh together have better marriages. Get in snowball fights, tease one another gently, throw a ball around, and tell jokes.[5]XTrustworthy SourceGreater Good MagazineJournal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier livingGo to source
Limit criticism and advice. Sometimes you see things that your partner doesn't see, and sometimes your partner does something inconsiderate or ham handed. Try to limit your criticism to one instance a day. Before you offer criticism, think "is this worth biting my tongue later?"
When your partner complains, listen. Rather than give advice, offer sympathy. You can give advice if it's asked for, or suggest a new perspective if he is thinking himself into a rut, but you might do the most good just by attentively listening.
Supply what's missing. Initiate the things that you really miss in your relationship. If you feel like you never talk anymore, start a conversation. If you used to always go out, ask him to go out. Initiating will give him the idea to reciprocate.[6]XResearch source
If he doesn't reciprocate, then you can ask. For instance, if you are always taking all the pictures during family vacations and there are never any of you, hand him the camera.
Communicate after a betrayal. If one or the other of you has done something to damage your mutual trust, talk honestly about it. State your experience of the betrayal without trying to influence your husband's reaction.[8]XTrustworthy SourceMayo ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source
Write it as a letter. Get your own feelings straight by writing them out.
Apologize, or ask for an apology. If you two are ever going to rebuild trust, the person in the wrong needs to apologize. If you betrayed him, say you're sorry. State what you did wrong, and how you think it affected him. Say why it was wrong, and promise you won't do it again.[9]XTrustworthy SourceMayo ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source
If he betrayed your trust, ask for that sincere of an apology. If he isn't ready to apologize, then he isn't ready to love you again either.
Talk through it. When the apology has happened, talk through the situation that was so hurtful. Don't dwell on the painful details, but do make sure you agree on what happened, why, and the reasons it hurt.[10]XTrustworthy SourceMayo ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source
Set goals together. Write down what you would like to happen to your relationship, and have your husband do the same. You might find that you both want to make some changes. Working to rebuild trust might have the positive side effect of making some parts of your relationship stronger.[11]XTrustworthy SourceMayo ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source
If you find your goals differ, compromise to accommodate them all. For instance, if your husband wishes you had more together time, while you are longing for more time alone, try scheduling both quality together time and quality time apart.
See a couple's counselor. Find a therapist who specializes in dealing with couples like yours. If there was infidelity, find a therapist who specializes in marital therapy.[12]XTrustworthy SourceMayo ClinicEducational website from one of the world's leading hospitalsGo to source If you cannot get your husband to visit a counselor with you, see a counselor on your own.
Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.
Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.
This article was co-authored by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships. This article has been viewed 278,598 times.
If you feel like things have gotten a little distant between you and your husband, try bringing back the spark by taking him out on dates. Dress up a little and go someplace fun or a bit fancy to make it feel special. Spend quality time together doing things you both enjoy, whether it’s bingeing a favorite show or going on a hike in the woods. Sex is important in many marriages, so make time for intimate fun now and then. Also try to practice other forms of physical affection, such as kissing, cuddling while you watch TV, or holding hands while you walk. Communicate with your husband openly and honestly, and make an effort to let him know what you appreciate about him. To learn how to rebuild trust with your husband, keep reading!
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 278,598 times.
Reader Success Stories
Stephanie
Apr 26, 2016
"I have begun my journey to have my husband fall back in love with me. I have made some very selfish choices in the past, now I really miss my husband. I have begun the love dare, and pray that he sees my effort."..." more
% of people told us that this article helped them.
Stephanie
Apr 26, 2016
"I have begun my journey to have my husband fall back in love with me. I have made some very selfish choices in the past, now I really miss my husband. I have begun the love dare, and pray that he sees my effort."..." more
April H.
Feb 9, 2019
"Helped me to gain some insight into what my role is and what we could be doing to strengthen the 30 years of marriage and relationships ups and downs. Thank you for sharing these nuggets of wisdom."..." more
Download Article
Sarah Schewitz, PsyDSarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.
"I have begun my journey to have my husband fall back in love with me. I have made some very selfish choices in the past, now I really miss my husband. I have begun the love dare, and pray that he sees my effort."..." more
