Will Taking a Break From Your Relationship Fix Its Problems?
The Proper Way to Tell Your Partner You Need a Relationship Break
To an observer, taking a break in a relationship is a means to an end. It’s simply delaying the inevitable. With the relationship on its last leg, a break is just a last ditch effort to fix something that’s beyond repair.
But that’s not always the case. On-again, off-again relationships are quite common, but their effectiveness shows varied results. To those with an optimistic outlook, a relationship break offers couples a chance to temporarily escape a heated environment to gain clarity, reuniting with a renewed perspective on a relationship’s foundational issues, equipped with a course of action for positive change.
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“A break can highlight or emphasize one’s true feelings about a partner when they’re not seeing them on a regular basis,” says Jason Fierstein, MA, LPC, owner and psychotherapist of Phoenix Men’s Counseling. “It can help you appreciate what you’ve got, as you see them in a new light after a break, or have gotten over the hump or anxiety of actually ending the relationship, which can emotionally reset partners to come back together.”
Since relationship breaks could end with either person ultimately deciding to move on, both parties should only consider taking time apart when each of you know what’s at stake, what you each need to work on, and what to discuss when you reunite.
When Is It Beneficial to Take a Break from Your Relationship?
Breaks can be helpful for couples that are experiencing toxic patterns and arguments in their relationship.
“Partners may grow tired of having the same fights over and over, and have started to check out of the relationship,” notes Fierstein. “When this happens, it may feel easier to take a break from the person, so as to not subject yourself to more fruitless conversations that get you nowhere.”
While this is a valid reason for a break, its effectiveness depends on the discussion beforehand.
“If both parties are truly on the same page with what the break means, it can help provide clarity as to whether the relationship should continue,” says Rachel DeAlto, Chief Dating Expert for Match. “Maybe they need space, maybe there is healing to be done, maybe they need to decide that they really do want to fully buy-in to the relationship.”
If both people can establish a goal they want from the break, come to an agreement on some clear guidelines, take responsibility for their faults and commit to some genuine self-reflection, you can effectively gain some clarity on whether you want to move forward with your current partner.
If not properly communicated, a break can give partners an easy escape from confronting problems in the relationship. “If problems aren’t dealt with, they’ll eventually come back,” explains Feinstein. “Reunited couples may experience an initial high, like in the honeymoon stage, but you and your partner really need to address those issues head on.”
DeAlto adds that breaks can be beneficial when “conflict exceeds the connection.” An example of that can be seen when someone has been unfaithful and both are willing to work through it, or there is a lack of effort by either or both parties. Ultimately, situations where time apart offers space to reflect, gather your thoughts, and make a measured, logical decision regarding your relationship, instead of falling into old habits, is an opportune time to consider a break.
What Does a Healthy Relationship Break Look Like?
There are no hard and fast rules to taking a break in a relationship, so how one should look can be difficult to gauge. As every couple is different in their own right, what’s most important is establishing goals and parameters before the break.
To help offer clarity, limit communication with your partner. You should consider temporarily unfollowing or blocking them from social media, too.
“If there are time parameters, such as two or three weeks, that needs to be decided on by both people equally,” notes Fierstein. “If the rules are to not see other people, both partners need to agree, and not deviate so as to create trust issues or damage the relationship further.”
During breaks, issues and feelings are fragile, so good communication, rule implementation, and mutual agreement on what will happen during that time will minimize the chance of things getting worse.
“If there are no rules and no self-awareness you might as well break up,” says DeAlto. “And anything longer than a month feels like a split.”
What Should You Work On During a Relationship Break?
Both Fierstein and DeAlto agree that a break should last only a week or two, as anything longer typically furthers the avoidance of dealing with issues. If one or both of you aren't actively working on changing problematic behavior, what would change once you’re back together?
During this time, separated partners should take care of themselves through exercise and good sleep, getting the right support (be it from friends, family, or a therapist), and strengthen themselves through self-care and reflection before reentering the relationship.
“The time and perspective can allow us to think about the problems in the relationship as they are, not how we’d like things to be, and see if we’re really okay with the current state of things,” says Fierstein. “Even if your partner is saying the right things, or making promises to change, you can’t take that at face value. They really would need to commit to real change, by going to therapy regularly on their own, or as a couple with you.”
Something else to remember? Always listen to their gut, not to what others are saying. If your gut is saying something against getting back together, listening to these instincts might save a lot of time and energy.
What Should You Discuss With Your Partner After the Break Is Over?
By the end of the break, you two will reunite with a renewed perspective. Now is the time to address and identify the issues in the relationship using the insights gleaned from your time apart. Fierstein recommends you each make a list of problems and grievances, and when you reunite, recite them and speak about how you will deal with them moving forward.
“Good listening skills, lack of defensiveness, and making time to deal with the issues are all important in getting back together,” he says. “You need to make sure that you can both get through to each other, and learn what each other’s ‘raw’ or trigger spots are so as to not make them defensive or attacking, but to help keep them open to conversation.”
The goal of this conversation is to redefine your relationship by discussing boundaries, identifying problem behaviors, and sharing the needs that you feel aren’t being met. If this conversation doesn’t go well, all is not lost.
If both parties still want to make it work, they might want to consider couples therapy for an unbiased perspective.
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