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You let a friend crash on your couch
indefinitely. Your sister asks to borrow
your pricey new boots — the ones you
haven't even worn yet — and you say
okay. And you just agreed to take on a
work project for a swamped coworker,
even though you're overwhelmed with
your own assignments.

Sound familiar? Many women get
bogged down doing things for others
because it's so tough to say no. Before
you utter a reluctant yes to yet another
request, find out why the "sure, no
problem" habit is so powerful and how
to break it (and not feel guilty).

Why Women Say Yes

When a guy is asked to take on an
unwanted task, he generally doesn't
hesitate to nip the request in the
bud. No, he can't lend his buddy 20
bucks. Sorry, he has no time to dog-sit
for his neighbor.

The reasons guys and girls don't
react the same way to requests are
both socially sanctioned and biologically
driven. "Men are expected
to assert themselves and
speak their mind; that's what gives
them status in our society," says
social psychologist Susan Newman,
PhD, author of The Book of
No. "They learn to say no early
on because if they don't, they're
labeled wimps."

On the other hand, women earn
praise for playing nice and cooperating.
"As girls, we're singled
out for being helpful," says Newman.
"This manifests in adulthood
as an eagerness to please and
gain others' approval, typically by
agreeing to assist anyone who asks." In
fact, the female need to please is so
ingrained that many chicks equate
saying no with saying "I don't care
about you," adds Newman.

Answering yes also appears to be
hardwired. Research shows that
when women are cooperative, neural
activity in the brain's reward region
dramatically increases, bathing our
bodies in feel-good hormones. The
result: Chicks get an actual physical
high from people pleasing.

Read more on the next page about why to say no for your own good.

Reasons to Refuse

First, consider the resentment you
invariably feel when you accept a task
you don't want to take on. Add to that
the time required to do what you were
asked, resulting in less time for the
stuff that really matters to you, says
Michael E. Silverman, PhD, assistant
professor of psychiatry at Mount Sinai
School of Medicine in New York City
and author of Unleash Your Dreams.

Also, giving in to the yes habit can
backfire: Instead of coming off as
helpful, you earn a rep as a doormat,
says Silverman. Not setting boundaries
gives you little respect among
friends and acquaintances, so they
keep asking you for help because they
know you're likely to accept.

Finally, you don't do people any
favors by coming to their rescue constantly.
"Turning someone down
forces them to rely on themselves,
which can be a
good thing," says
Jana Kemp, author of No! How One Simple Word Can Transform Your Life. For
instance, say
you refuse to lend
a slacker friend
money to cover her bills
for the umpteenth time. Without the
safety net of your regular bailout,
she'll have no choice but to confront
her financial woes.

Read our expert's tips on how to say no nicely on the next page.

Getting to No

None of this is to say that refusal will come easy; it actually takes time and practice before most women can say no without feeling guilt-bombed, comments Silverman.

It helps to be prepared, however, so learn to spot the signs that an unwanted request is coming your way. "I've meaning to ask…" and "I know you're really busy, but…" are obvious tip-offs, but be on the lookout for earlier hints, like drawn-out small talk, throat clearing, or a sudden lack of eye contact, explains Bill Lampton, PhD, author of The Complete Communicator.

If you find yourself already cornered, counteract your knee-jerk reflex to say yes by not responding right away. "Pausing gives the impression that you're truly considering the request and also buys you time to think," says Don Gabor, author of Speaking Your Mind in 101 Difficult Situations.

When you do turn down the request, keep your no short; something along the lines of "I'd really love to, but I can't." Says Newman: "Don't flounder around and try to explain why you have to beg off. The more wiggle room you give, the more ammo the other person has to attempt to change your mind."

Resist the urge to apologize profusely, since that shows that you're uncomfortable with your decision. And never fall into the compromise trap. "Compromising is as bad as saying yes," says Newman. "You're still taking on a piece of what you didn't want to do, and you will likely feel like you were tricked into it, boosting your resentment."

After you've turned the person down, don't dwell on it or allow yourself to feel guilty. Soon, asking to be counted out will get easier. "Once you see how much more control over your life you have, " Lampton says, "saying no will become second nature."