Now that marriage equality is actually on the way in Northern Ireland, we can all get on with planning the happiest and second most stressful day of our lives. But before there’s a wedding, there has to be a proposal. The act of asking someone to marry you has, in some quarters, transformed from a fairly low-key or personal event into a huge production: flash mobs, pyrotechnics and a potential audience of hundreds. Is there a right way or a wrong way to do it? Well, this depends on who you are and what kind of proposal you think suits you. If you want likes and shares and potential sponsorship for your big day then who am I to tell you you’re wrong – I’m not marrying you.
One thing to consider too: despite civil partnerships first happening in 2005 and marriage equality starting to appear in 2014, if you’re a man proposing to a man, this may feel new or strange to you. How could it not? We spend most of our early years bombarded by love stories between men and women. Fairytale endings seldom come with two princes or princesses waltzing off alone into the sunset. Everything we think we know about love and romance has, usually, been shown to us by straight people and despite the changes in law, same-sex couples still lack the same advantages and opportunities.
If a man proposes to his girlfriend in the middle of a restaurant, she says yes and they passionately kiss to seal the deal, there’s a good chance the surrounding crowds will cheer (unless I’m in the crowd), but two men kissing in public cannot be guaranteed the same reaction. But even before you get to the depressing social norms, there are some practical things to keep in mind before you ask your guy if he wants to say “I do”.
Does he actually want to do this?
Being proposed to is a high pressure environment for a potential groom. Have you scoped out if he is pro-marriage? Perhaps you think he is just waiting to be asked. There are many reasons why some men might not want to get married. While the element of surprise seems increasingly important in proposals – there’s the idea it is somehow more romantic to be emotionally floored by a four-word question – as clinical as it may seem to talk over potential interest in marriage, you should do. Otherwise their initial reaction – which you are filming, of course – may become the wrong sort of meme. It’s not just a question of why are you doing this, but why are you doing this now? Timing is everything – make sure both your watches are synchronised. You don’t have to be cryptic or drop hints: talk openly, both about marriage in general and what it means to each of you.
What kind of proposal would he want?
Marriage is about two people, but a proposal... well, it’s also about the two of you, but with very different roles – fancy that. Take your own wishes into consideration, naturally, but if you’re proposing make peace with yourself early on that this is more about the proposee. Think about why you’re doing the proposing – perhaps you’re the only one trusted to get it right, maybe you’re romantic, perhaps you’re evading debts and want to change your name. It doesn’t matter why, but it does mean you must put him first. If you’re the showy, social media type but he is a little more introverted and analogue, maybe put the phone away. Best not to get too hung up on surprises; there’s a lot to be said for anticipation. Think of a place that means a lot to the two of you, whether it’s a sweaty dance floor or a beautiful holiday you went on together. The recognition of familiar surroundings will help make him more excited. Always better to have something to look forward to, right? And not to sound like a doom-monger, but make sure you’re somewhere safe, around people who won’t react with bigotry should they witness your proposal. Yes, the ideal attitude is “screw the haters” but this is your big moment and you should focus on that just for today. There’ll be other opportunities to make a stand.
The rings
We know how it works when it’s a man proposing to a woman, don’t we? We’ve seen enough romcoms. But if you’re two guys, what do you do? Buy them a ring but nothing for yourself? Seems a bit... unequal. One guy I know bought two matching rings and then proposed; another gay couple I know went through the proposal, then chose non-matching rings together. Rip up the rule book, forge your own path. One couple I know exchanged watches for their engagement and saved their ring fingers for the big day. I’d say it’s nice to hand over something as you propose, plus, if you end up speechless, it will do the talking for you. Have one handy for yourself too – why not? Ignore everything you hear about engagement rings costing a particular multiple of your salary – that only benefits a jeweller and is not indicative of your love.
Who’s watching?
Obviously you know your partner best, but I think involving as few people as possible before the proposal is advisable. You’ll confide in friends in the run-up, yes, but gathering a huge bunch of people for the actual proposal reduces intimacy, adds pressure and makes you look like a pair of attention-seekers. If you’re determined to have a pre-wedding group celebration, have an engagement party instead. After all, there’s another good reason to keep things just between the two of you...
Does he have the chance to say no?
No matter how in love you are, how convinced the time is right or how much he’s been talking about it even, you’re asking him a question and there are a number of options. There’s the “yes” you’re anticipating and will hopefully get, but there’s also the maybe “not now” or... the “no”. And you must, if you love and respect him, give him the space to answer honestly. A yes made under duress and then retracted would be more painful for you both. The proposal must make him feel as safe, secure and in control as he would in any potential marriage. If your proposal is lacking either, it’s not a good sign your marriage will be any different.
The ritual
Don’t hide the ring in a pudding, please – it’s a choking hazard and also you don’t live in a BBC sitcom. Tip restaurant staff the wink, not to mention an actual tip, when it’s time to bring Champagne, but don’t involve them in the proposal in any way. Should you get on one knee? If it’s not going to erode his fragile masculinity, then why not? Who cares? Revel in the sweetness of it. Enjoy the moment totally unironically. Just so long as you can easily get up again. The most important thing isn’t the surroundings, or being on bended knee, it’s your words, it’s you. Don’t agonise over “getting it right”, preparing speeches or trying too hard to make things meaningful. Let the moment take you over; speak from the heart. If you fluff it, or end up merely ugly-crying and squawking out the words, that’s the way it’s meant to be. All you need to do is tell that boy he’s the one for you and sound like you mean it – destiny will take care of the rest.
Now read:
How to survive being the last bachelor
Public displays of affection: a guide on when it’s OK to get off in public
