Verified by 
On the back cover of Rob Kendall’s Blamestorming: Why Conversations Go Wrong and How to Fix Them (Watkins Publishing), is this snippet of conversation:
“I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why you’re wrong...”
Been there, lived through that, changed husbands.
Blamestorming, a wonderful little book, contains many tips that probably wouldn’t have helped my ex-husband and me, because it was already too late for us. But if your own conversations edge too often into useless blame-affixing, crossed wires, and major arguments from what might have been minor disagreements, I urge you to consider the following 5 tips—or to read the book itself:
1. Think before speaking.
This sounds so basic that it’s actually banal, and yet most of the time, most of us don’t do it. We respond to each other mindlessly, in knee-jerk fashion, and only later realize that maybe what we said wasn’t true or helpful. (That applies to email, too, of course.)
2. Focus on solving issues, not blaming.
Unless you want your conversations to escalate into endless, pointless arguments, remember that you’re on the same team—that is, you both would prefer it if you were both happy rather than frustrated.
3. Watch out for your own “Yes, but’s...”
When you say, “Yes, but,” you ignore the other person’s perspective and push your own. The “yes” part means you want the other person to believe you’re taking their needs into consideration, but you've likely barely given them enough time to take them seriously before counter-proposing.
4. Separate the facts from the story in your head.
When something bad is going on—your job is at risk, or you and your partner are locked into the same blaming conversation repeatedly—you can lighten the negativity by remembering that some of what you’re thinking and saying is a story in your mind and may not be reality. For example, when my husband would leave his keys in the front door, I learned to get my security needs met by owning my own story: “I was raised to be fearful, so when you leave your keys there, I get really anxious and start imagining what might happen. Could you please make a point of double-checking that your keys aren’t in the keyhole?”
5. Take a short time-out.
When you find yourself embroiled in a trivial, detail-laden conversation that’s only getting more and more uncomfortable, say you need to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water. You’re not walking out, bailing out, quitting, or withdrawing—you just need to have a breather so you can resume the conversation more reasonably later on.
Blamestorming is a handy little book with numerous very clear, helpful examples of conversations gone wrong. Highly recommended for couples, families, and anyone who ever talks to anyone at work or socially.
Copyright (c) 2015 by Susan K. Perry, author of Kylie’s Heel.
