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It is a rare parent who does not hope for great success in their children’s lives—for accomplishing at least as much, if not more, than the parents themselves did growing up. Because most parents believe it should be in their power to set, and keep, their children on the road to excellence in school, sports, the arts, or socially, why wouldn’t they want to give their children a little (or big) push in that direction whenever possible? Parents who have been raised in or work in more competitive environments, find ‘the push’ comes naturally as both a life and parenting style, without giving too much thought about whether such an approach is good for their particular child, i.e. “just because you can do it (lean on the teacher/coach/principal) doesn’t mean you should.”
And here is where it gets complicated: When and how should parents push their children in the 'right' direction, assuming they know what that is? Competitive parents, whether academic or sports minded, are likely to push harder from the start—each parent in their own distinct fashion—raising the question of what happens to their kids when the pressure starts to be felt, be it positive or negative. In one recent outcome, a British survey of a thousand school-aged children found that 4 in 10 were ‘put off’ sport by their parents’ pushy behavior.* It is easy to imagine similar numbers when the topic is grades, not goals.
Depending on the child’s a) particular temperament (fearful, flexible or feisty) and b) closeness to, or distance from, their parent and other nurturing figures, the effect of such a push can range from ‘not much’ to ‘big trouble.’ Toughest on the child is the competitive parent whose love, support and understanding of their child is dependent or contingent upon the child’s performance output, or success rate, in the parent’s eyes. Even if you don’t think of yourself as a parent in this category, if your child perceives you as one, you are still on the hook to change this perception, fair or not. Some children are less fazed than others by such hard-pushing (though usually well-meaning) parents, knowing that competition is their parents’ 'thing,’ not so much his or hers; ‘Winning is OK, but I’d rather just play with my friends.’ Such pressure is also easier to handle when at least one of the parents is less committed to victory.
- If you want your children to trust you and feel that your love is rooted in knowing what they need, who they are and what they can handle—not what they can accomplish—then go easy on the pushing.
- Like secure dwellings, children are made from good materials set on strong foundations; not from stresses pushing, pulling and shoving them upward.
- Know that you are modeling behavior for your children from the sidelines, audience, or talking about back-to-school night; what comes around, goes around.
- Sensitivity, support and encouragement mixed with positive expectations, will lead to a child who delights in learning, playing and creating for life.
*Chance to Shine Charity study at Marylebone Cricket Club, 2015
Dr. Kyle Pruett is a Clinical Professor of Child Psychiatry at the Yale School of Medicine and Educational Advisory Board member for The Goddard School, an early childhood education franchise and leading preschool teaching learning through play (www.goddardschool.com).
