Here’s How To Figure Out Your Love Language

One of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship is communication, but achieving an open dialogue may be more difficult than you think. Everyone communicates differently. Some say a lot with their actions, others with their time. In order to help aid in communication, it's important to understand the five love languages and which one you and your partner both prefer.

The concept of love languages was introduced by relationship expert Dr. Gary Chapman in his book, The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. The book explains that, in order to ensure a healthy relationship, it's important to identify and use your partner's love language. This will help get rid of any miscommunication and will allow for a more understanding couple. In order to help you on the road to a healthier relationship, here's everything to know about love languages.

What are the five love languages?

Everyone gives and receives love differently, and Dr. Chapman has distinguished five specific ways that a person may do so:

Acts of Service

While doing the dishes might not seem overly romantic, for someone whose dominant love language is acts of service, it can mean absolutely everything. As explained on 5lovelanguages.com, "anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an 'acts of service' person will speak volumes." So, whether that means taking over chores, driving their sister to the airport, or surprising them with dinner, all an acts of service person wants is to hear, "let me do that for you." On the flip side, the way to disappoint one of these people is through laziness, a lack of spacial awareness, especially when it comes to making a mess, and pretty much doing anything that will increase your partner's workload.

Words of Affirmation

Everyone loves to get complimented, but if your love language is words of affirmation, then unsolicited comments are extremely important to a relationship. So, if you fall in this category, that means that you not only need to hear that you are loved, but why and how much. It also means, however, that insults are even more devastating for you than those who don't thrive off words of affirmation.

Quality Time

In today's busy world, it can be hard to find the time to hang out with bae one-on-one, no distractions, but for someone whose love language is quality time, undivided attention can be extremely important. If this is your SO's love language, make sure to carve out time for them. Put phones aside, turn the TV off, and just be with each other. Try your hardest not to flake on a date or check your phone when you're together, because this can be very hurtful to a quality time person.

Receiving Gifts

This love language might seem materialistic, but you don't have to drop hundreds of dollars if this is your partner's love language. It's the thought and effort behind the gift, not the price that matters. A succesful gift shows that you know and care about your bae. A receiving gifts person loves nothing more than an unexpected token of your appreciation, but don't forget a birthday or anniversary because that could be very detrimental to your relationship, as could an impersonal gift like a gift card.

Physical Touch

If this is your primary love language, you shouldn't be too surprised, chances are you're a touchy person and you've known that for awhile. You love holding hands, giving and receiving back rubs, and just letting bae know you care with a kiss on the cheek or a pat on the shoulder.

How do I find out which love language I use?

To learn which love language best represents you, head to 5lovelanguages.com and take their quiz. Then, you will get scored from 1 to 12 on all five love languages. The one you score highest on is your primary language, while the lower scores are languages that you use less often and have less of an emotional affect on you.

Can I have more than one love language?

Definitely! As noted on the website, it's common to get a high score in two love languages. That just means that two languages are important to you. You may love when your bae is physically touchy and provides words of affirmation. You don't have to pick just one.

What does each love language look like when applied to a relationships?

Love languages help you understand how your love materializes in a relationship, as well as what is important for you to receive from your partner. Here is what that means for each individual language i.e. how they will show love/how to show love to them and what would really hit where it hurts.

Acts of Service:

What they will do/what you can do for them: You'll know your acts of service bae loves you if they take over your chores every once in a while for no reason, offer to help you out with your big final project, or they surprise you with a home cooked meal. Do any of this for them, and you will earn some major points.

What will hurt them badly: What's the opposite of doing someone else's chores? Not even doing your own! If you borrow bae's car and leave it messy, or promise to drive them to the airport and bail last minute, that will say a lot to an acts of service person. Similarly, if they do any of these things to you, it probably means they don't care that much.

Words of Affirmation:

What they will do/what you can do for them: Say what you feel, baby! "I love you" goes a long way, but "I love you because..." will go even farther for a words of affirmation person. You can think, "Wow, bae is so amazing," but in order to make them feel loved you have to communicate those feelings. And, if your bae is constantly saying how much they love and appreciate you, you'll know they mean it.

What will hurt them badly: Insults, of course. Because words are so important to words of affirmation people, bad ones can really dig deep. So, if you get in a fight with bae, watch what you say because your heat of the moment mean comments can have a lasting impact.

Quality Time:

What they will do/what you can do for them: If your bae puts everything away to sit on the couch and chat with you, you know they care. Quality time people love nothing more than a good hang session, but you don't have to limit where they take place. Take your SO apple picking, hiking, or to a mini golf course. The more effort you put into your quality time together, the more they'll know you care.

What will hurt them badly: I know it's hard, but if you take out your phone while in the middle of a nice convo with bae, that will really hit them deep. Similarly if you cancel a date last minute or seem uninterested in the time you spend together, this will say a lot to your SO about how you feel about them, and it won't be good.

Receiving Gifts:

What they will do/what you can do for them: If your SO is off for a quick visit to their grandparent's house and they bring back your favorite snack that you can only get in some parts of the country, know that means they really love you. Similarly, the more thought and effort you put into the gifts you give them, whether it's a postcard you know they'll love or surprise tickets to their fave concert, the more they'll know you care.

What will hurt them badly: For a receiving gifts person, nothing is worse than a thoughtless gift...well maybe no gift at all. If a birthday comes and goes with nothing to show from it, good luck. Again, the gift doesn't have to be expensive, just meaningful.

Physical Touch:

What they will do/what you can do for them: Be there for bae and be intimate. This doesn't have to be in the bedroom. It can be a quick hand touch when you pass them in the hallway between classes, or a shoulder squeeze before their big soccer tryout. The more you touch them, and they touch you, the more it says about your feelings.

What will hurt them badly: Physical neglect will truly hurt a physical touch person, while physical abuse can be absolutely destructive. Make sure you are treating your SO well and showing them you care.

Can your love language change?

Absolutely! Love languages can totally change as you grow and evolve. Maybe your circumstances have changed and now you're in college and feeling stressed and self conscious when it comes to your sense of belonging. At this point, words of affirmation can mean a lot to you in a relationship. Having bae remind you that you are smart and accomplished can be extremely important in this time of unease.

Similarly, different relationships can elicit different love languages. If your language was always receiving gifts, but your current partner is so good and constantly showering your with meaningful tokens, but never seems to touch you in public, your love language could switch to physical touch.

The important thing is to be aware of your love language and to communicate these changes to your SO. That way, they can do their best to cater to your needs and to do the things that will make you feel loved.

What is the most common love language?

Apparently there is one love language that is extremely common: quality time. In second place for women comes words of affirmation, as well as a tie between words of affirmation and physical touch for men. But quality time is SO common that it is twice as popular as the second place languages!

What do you do when you and your partner have different love languages?

It is totally normal to have a different love language than your SO. If this is the case, just make sure that you are both vocal about your personal preferences so you each know what it is that will make you feel especially loved or neglected.

If your partner is a physical touch person, learn about that love language and what your bae will need physically from you. This will also help understand your partner better because if they're less touchy-feely one day, that could be a sign that they are upset with you about something.

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