5 Ways To Handle Patronizing People

Ever bristle over the way a young salesclerk seems to talk to you like you’re...a toddler? Unfortunately, you’re probably not imagining her patronizing tone. According to recent research reported in the Journal of Nonverbal Behavior, young adults give directions differently to 65-year-olds than they do to 21-year-olds. In particular, they speak to older adults more slowly and in higher pitched voices—two speech patterns associated with being patronizing. 

“When adults talk to you the way they do to a two-year-old, they’re presuming you’re not fully competent, and that’s demeaning,” says study co-author Jessica Hehman, PhD, assistant professor of psychology and director of the Psychology of Aging Lab at the University of Redlands.

“Ageism is pervasive in our culture, and can be detrimental to a person’s wellbeing,” Hehman says. “And yet, unlike other ‘isms, it comes from a good place in people’s hearts, from wanting to help.”

But whether or not that younger woman knows she’s putting you down, it still feels crummy when it happens. Whatever the scenario, these expert tips will have you handling it with grace and good will.

Scenario 1: It’s you and the salesclerk. You ask where to find the shoe department and she answers slowly, in singsong baby-talk, “It’s right over there. Do you see? Yes! Right over there. Good!”

How to respond: “Remember not to take it personally,” Hehman says. “It’s not aimed at you as an individual and is probably even well-intentioned. So rather than take offense, assert yourself in “a calm, positive way,” she suggests.

A simple “thank you for your help” will suffice, concurs Gregory Jantz, PhD, a renowned psychologist and book author. “If you answer in your own natural voice, with respect and good manners, you reset the tone,” he explains. “Kindness closes distance with people.”

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Scenario 2: Your adult son tags along to your dental appointment, and the dentist speaks exclusively to him and refers to you in the third person: “She needs to come back in for more X-rays.”  

How to respond: Yes, it is tempting to remind the doc, quite vocally, that you’re standing right in front of him. Instead, proclaim your autonomy calmly, Janz advises. “You could say, ‘Thank you for the communication with my son. How would you like me to proceed?’” he suggests. “You’ve just put yourself in the conversation by asking a question that requires a response back to you—now you’re in the game.”

Scenario 3: The waiter says, “Would you like some more coffee, dear?” or “How are you today, young lady?” Honestly, did anyone ever call you “dear” or “young lady” before you turned 50?

How to respond: Before you zap the guy, Jantz offers a reminder: “We all sometimes misread motives and make an incorrect judgment because of our personal histories,” he says. It’s entirely possible that the waiter uses cute terms with everyone, and isn’t aware that he comes off as demeaning. Even if the words were intentionally disrespectful (and they likely were not), Jantz recommends sticking to your own standard for good manners. Place your order in a gracious but detached way, without acknowledging the offending words. There—you didn’t stoop to another person’s level, and you neatly foiled any attempt to ruffle your composure. A clear win for you either way.

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Scenario 4: You’re waiting for your flu shot when the clinician says, “Okay, let’s roll up our sleeve,” as if you’re a student in preschool (“Okay, let’s take the crayons out of our ears”).

How to respond: Use a joke to shift the dynamic, Jantz advises. “Humor can put the interaction into perspective,” he says. “You could say something like, 'Okay, since we’re both rolling up our sleeves, you go first.’ They’re going to laugh, and that will lighten the whole encounter.”

Scenario 5: You’re putting away your bicycle after a nice ride, and your adult daughter arrives. She immediately scolds you for cruising the busy city streets: “You shouldn’t be doing that!”

How to respond: Tone of voice is everything here. If your daughter’s remark oozes with disrespect over something you know you can handle, then you’re being patronized, and it’s time to speak up. “Try explaining how you feel to your daughter, without anger,” Hehman suggests: “Tell her, ‘When you say that, it makes me feel like this: less than I am, or demeaned.’ That’s often all it takes.”

If the behavior continues, reiterate your position again, and be firm, Jantz advises. “When someone is intentionally condescending, it may take longer to redirect their behavior,” he says. Eventually they’ll catch on.

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