How not to be an 'invisible woman' at work

Every morning, when I worked in an office, I attended a conference where I was one of only a handful of women in the room.

I can’t say I looked forward to those meetings much. The moment I opened my mouth, I felt I was walking a perilous tightrope between being interrupted by my male colleagues, or getting shot down before I’d made my point.

So usually I kept quiet, leaving the ideas suggested by the boys to be greeted with back-slapping guffaws of agreement from their fellow colleagues.

Finally, on one occasion, I got so frustrated by this state of affairs, I expressed my opinion more forcefully. "Get back in your box," was the response of the man leading the meeting. Perhaps, unsurprisingly, I didn’t return to the office after I had my first baby.

That was more than 10 years ago.

Since then we have come up with a whole lexicon of words for some of the male behaviours that keep women feeling invisible.

There’s ‘Manterrupting’ , the unnecessary interruption of a woman by a man when she’s trying to say something. There’s ‘Bropropriation’, the term for a man taking credit for a woman’s idea. We also have ‘Mansplaining’ to sum up what it’s like when a man explains something to a woman that she knows perfectly well already.

(See too the word ‘Manspreading’ used outside the office to describe how a man spreads his legs on public transport, so there’s virtually no space for a woman on the seat next to him.)

All this could easily be dismissed as paranoia were it not for the body of research which shows plenty of evidence that men tend to talk over women in group situations, whether it’s at school governors meetings, board rooms or dinner parties.

One study by researchers at Princeton and Brigham Young Universities males were found to talk as much as 75 per cent of the time in meetings, compared to women’s 25 per cent.

Even age and experience don’t necessarily help us find our voices. The novelist Fay Weldon now turns down invitations to appear on television alongside groups of men, saying: "They are so busy making their points you’re forced to butt in. There’s a degree of aggression to it that women don’t have."

The consequences of this goes beyond women simply feeling annoyed that they are ignored. Many believe this frustration could be the real reason why only 29 per cent of our MP’s are female and so few women reach to the top of their companies.

This feeling of being invisible while being in the room, is why the Thirty Per Cent Club, set up by City CEO Helena Morrissey to get this proportion of women onto the boards of British FTSE100 companies is still trying to reach its target. She believes it’s only when a minority gets to make up 30 per cent of the room that their voices are not just heard, but listened to as well.

However now more people are identifying this behaviour it is becoming much easier to work out what to do about it. Averil Leimon, a leadership psychologist, who believes it’s not enough to simply tell women to somehow acquire more ‘confidence’ has now started to run courses to teach women exactly what they need to do and say to make sure their voices carry just as far as a man’s.

During a taster session at her South London offices, Averil confirms my experiences are common among the other women who attend.

"Often women feel it’s just them and they don’t realise they can equalise the situation.

"For instance, they will cite the fact that when they mention something at a meeting, no one takes much notice.

"Yet a few minutes later, when a male colleague says the same thing, someone will go: ‘What a good idea.’ If a woman then becomes frustrated, she can come across as shrill, which can damage her image."

This state of play is bred into women from early childhood. "While it’s accepted that boys make noise and yell at one another, we raise girls telling them to keep their voices down.

"Often men genuinely don’t intend to come across as rude when they interrupt, but different rules apply. If a man talks over you, he’s being a man.

"If a woman talks over you, she’s being a bossy bitch."

Beyond this, Averil tells me there's scarcely a woman in the world who couldn't do with a small repertoire of ways to bring the conversation back next time she's feels overlooked in a meeting or social occasion.

"Saying ‘Can I finish?’ if you are interrupted sounds childish. So be prepared to use some charm and humour and try something like: ‘I know you will want to hear the end of what I have to say."

But ultimately it’s not only men’s voices that are silencing women. Often, it’s also women doing it to themselves.

Research has found that women are almost twice as likely as men to suffer from ‘imposter syndrome’ – feeling like they are fakes who didn’t deserve to get here in the first place.

The result is that we have so much self-doubt that we stop ourselves from speaking up for fear of being found out.

To combat this, Averil suggests listing the strengths and experience that led us to where we are today. ‘Just because you hear a voice saying you have no right to give your opinion, doesn’t mean you have to listen to it. That is one voice which does deserve to be ignored.’

How not to be an invisible woman

1. Spread yourself out: In social situations, women tend to make themselves smaller by hunching or wrapping themselves around themselves while men start taking up more space in their chair and, even spreading out papers on the meeting tables. Instead of shrinking, Averil suggests: ‘Make more expansive gestures and own your space.’
2. Don’t read aloud: If you’re speaking in public, the fastest way to lose your authority is to keep referring to your notes. So ditch your script in favour of a mind-mapped summary on a single index card, says Averil. If you are attending an important meeting always plan what you are going to say first, and make your point early so you feel confident early on.
3. Work with your body: To project yourself and your voice, get back in tune with your body, says voice coach David Roylance. First find your centre of gravity by closing your eyes, dropping your shoulders, raising your head and tilting on your feet until your come to a natural rest, with arms handing loosely by your sides. With your feet firmly planted on the ground, you will then be better able to project your voice.
4. Practice speaking in high heels: ‘When a woman wear heels, she is not stable or rooted to the ground,’ says Averil. ‘This will throw your pelvis forward and affect your breathing. If you are addressing a room in heels, practice standing and breathing in them properly first.’
5. Show the real you: In situations traditionally dominated by men, women fall into the trap of going too far the other way. They then lock down their body language so as not to give anything away. But women can become so determined not to show a chink in their armour, that they can come across as po-faced. Averil says: ‘Show the real you. People don’t like people they can’t read. This is not about mimicking a man. It’s about finding ways to be authentically yourself - as a woman.’

The next ‘Find your Leaderships Voice’ course will run on November 20th, 2015. To contact David Roylance for vocal coaching go to www.davidroylance.com