Three Keys to Effective Conversation

I have a hard time following these rules. I'm just too impulsive. But if you can, it will improve your conversations' pleasantness and effectiveness. You'll more likely get others to be interested in you, enjoy the conversation, and even do your bidding.

The Ping-Pong Rule

An effective conversation is like a ping-pong game: The ball should be in your court half the time. In a two-person conversation, you should speak 40 to 60 percent of the time. If you speak much more than that, your listener may view you as self-absorbed. If you speak much less than that, while some people will be relieved that you're carrying the ball, most will feel you don't bring enough to the conversation.

The Traffic-Light Rule

During your first 30 seconds of an utterance, your light is green: Your conversation partner is likely listening and not considering you too talkative. During the second 30 seconds, your light is yellow: The chance is growing that the person would prefer you to stop because s/he has received enough input and needs to process it, s/he'd like to respond, or simply wants to feel like a participant in the conversation. At the 60-second mark, your light is red. Yes, occasionally, you'll want to run a red light and keep talking, for example, when telling an interesting anecdote. But usually you should stop or ask a question.

The One-Second-Pause Rule

How do you feel when interrupted, or even when your conversation partner responds the nanosecond you finish? In contrast, think about how you feel when, after you finish, s/he says "Hmm" and pauses for a moment? We all want to feel like we're being heard, and your waiting just one second before responding makes the person feel heard and valued. It also gives you a moment to think, which can prevent putting your foot in your mouth.

The problem is in implementation.

As with so much self-help advice, it's infinitely easier to dispense than to implement. It might help if you ask a trusted conversation partner to raise his or her finger each time you violate one of the rules.

It may also help to remember that if you follow those rules, you will benefit.

Marty Nemko's bio is in Wikipedia.