How to Choose a Therapist

Having taught psychotherapy to many cohorts of psychologists and psychiatrists, I am well-versed in a range of therapy models—and therefore do not impose them on my patients.

Beware of therapists who are too identified with a therapy “brand.” They have already decided how to treat you before they have met you—let alone understand you. Beware, too, of therapists who claim expertise in many different kinds of therapy. No one is expert in everything. You may end up with a dilettante, or someone more concerned with filling their hours than their integrity.

Beware of therapists who overemphasize that they specialize in a specific diagnosis or condition. A diagnosis tells us little about how to help (see my blog about this). The causes of mental and emotional suffering are generally woven into the fabric of our lives—how we live, how we view ourselves and others, how we connect with people or fail to connect, what we desire and dread, what we know about ourselves and do not wish to know. A therapist’s expertise is about understanding how this fabric is woven and can potentially be rewoven, not about diagnoses.

The initial sessions should focus on developing a shared understanding of what is really the matter—an understanding that makes sense to both of you. “What is really the matter” is not your depression or anxiety or eating disorder; it is what is going on psychologically that is giving rise to these difficulties, or perpetuating them. A shared understanding of what is the matter provides a focus for psychotherapy. Effective therapy has a focus.

This shared understanding may develop in the first session or may require a number of sessions. It will evolve and change as therapy progresses. It is dynamic, not static. But there should be a focus from the outset, as a foundation on which to build. There is no point “doing” therapy unless both participants know what they are there to do.

Many therapists speak of the “therapeutic alliance" but fewer understand what a therapeutic alliance really entails. It does not just mean you feel a connection. It is not an alliance based on just anything. A therapeutic alliance is an alliance based on a shared purpose—that is, a shared understanding of the work you are there to do. It has three elements:

1. There is a connection.
2. There is mutual agreement about the purpose of therapy.
3. There is mutual agreement about the methods you will use to achieve that purpose.

All three elements are necessary. I often see the first without the other two. This makes for a warm and supportive relationship but not for meaningful psychological change.

The shared understanding of what is the matter must be truly shared. It cannot be just the therapist’s understanding, or just the patient’s. It is something you and your therapist develop together, that transcends what either of you can know alone. If you could reach this understanding yourself—if you could come in and say what is really the matter and why—you probably would not need therapy in the first place. The therapist’s job is to help you sort out what is the matter in a way you cannot do by yourself. When you reach a shared and meaningful understanding, you know you have identified something vital.

My students often ask what to do when patients have no idea what is the matter. They know something is wrong but cannot say what. They may feel empty, lost, or stuck, but they don't know why. This is where the therapist’s expertise comes in, because the therapist brings a perspective the patient cannot have. One thing that may be the matter is that the patient is a relative stranger to herself. I may comment, “Something feels very wrong, but you don’t have words for it.” If the patient feels this is accurate, I may suggest, “It may help to find words for what is wrong. If we can find words, we will be able to see things more clearly. When we see more clearly, perhaps we may be able to see how things could be better.”

Then I ask—and this is crucial, because the understanding must be truly shared—“Do you think it would help to find words for what is wrong?” If the patient resonates with this—if she also feels that finding words will help—then we have an initial treatment focus. Our shared task is to find words. The patient cannot find the right words without my help and I cannot find them without hers, but we can likely find them together. Our treatment focus will evolve over time, but we have a starting point. Next time we meet, we both know what we are there to do.

If the patient does not feel that finding words will help, we continue exploring until we find a focus we both agree will be helpful. I do not make a recommendation to proceed with therapy until we are on the same page about its purpose. I do not “do therapy” for the sake of doing therapy. I do therapy when my patient and I both understand what we are there to do and why.

I don’t always take “yes” for an answer. If a patient agrees with a treatment focus but does so in a way that suggests she is merely acquiescing, we do not have a shared understanding. It is only my understanding, not our understanding. If she agrees because she thinks I know best—because I'm the expert—we also do not have a shared understanding. (But I have a new hypothesis about what may be the matter. If she is used to deferring to others about what is right for her, that might explain why something feels wrong that she cannot put into words. And I will bring this up for mutual consideration.)

So how do you choose a therapist? You steer clear of ideologues and experts-at-everything. You don’t search far and wide for a therapist who specializes in people with exactly your problem, because there are no other people with exactly your problem.

When you meet, notice whether the therapist seems more interested in you or in your diagnosis. Notice whether the therapist invites you to think together about what is the matter. Notice whether the two of you are able to develop a shared understanding of what is causing difficulties that rings true to you, that was not already evident. The last part may take a few meetings but the trajectory should be moving in that direction from the beginning.

If all of these ingredients are there, you’ve probably found a good one.

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© 2024 by Jonathan Shedler