Lara (some names have been
changed) is one of my closest friends...
and when we were single, my dating
partner in crime. I watched her charm
men with an easy laugh or fixed gaze
and eventually learned how to read
her like a body-language expert on
Extra. I like you, she'd say with her
smile. What do you think of me?
Lara's moves landed her a college
boyfriend, a few flings, and her husband,
Ken. And none of them mattered
to me—until she started using
them on my husband, Scott.
Lara never
flirted with Scott
until we began
going out on double
dates as married
couples. Now
she asks him too
many questions
about his guitar
collection and
laughs too hard at
his quips—all
while flashing him
that smile. Ken
and I are left to
make small talk, pretending not to
listen to their conversation.
I didn't tell Scott right away that I
noticed Lara's antics since I trust him
and didn't want to sound catty or insecure.
But after our eighth double
date, I asked what he thought of her
flirting. His typical guy response:
"I've never noticed." Seriously?
Crossing the Line
Another weird aspect of this whole
thing: Scott acts randy toward me after
we're out with Lara. When I tell this to
Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD, author of
A Happy You, she suggests I relax.
"Even though Scott doesn't notice
Lara's gestures, they still boost his ego,"
she says. "And that primes him for great
sex with you. Take advantage of it!"
Good advice, but I can't promise I'll
react so rationally.
Paul Dobransky, MD, director of
womenshappiness.com, assures me
that it takes men four times longer to
pick up on subtle social cues than it
does women, which is why Scott is
oblivious. He adds that since Lara and
I have never competed for men, her
flirting is subconscious. "It's a way for
her to feel attractive and alive," Dr.
Dobransky says. He advises me to
steer Lara's thoughts in a different
direction. "Call attention to the fact
that you and Scott are a 'we' " he says.
"Try 'Scott and I had a great time in
Miami. Are you guys going away?'"
Easy Way Out
Should I confront Lara? Lombardo
says Lara will have stepped over the
line if she suggests that she and Scott
do something solo. She also says a confrontation
is in order if I start to see
events in a distorted way—like thinking
Scott is falling in love with Lara or
that Lara is doing this to spite me—which means my happiness is at stake
in a more serious way. "In that case,
make a lighthearted comment, like
'Wow, you laugh really hard at Scott's
jokes,' " she tells me. "Lara should get
the hint. If she doesn't, that's a sign her
intentions may not be innocent."
In the end, Lara's flirting pushed me
to limit date nights with her and Ken;
now we hang out alone or with the
girls. It may not be the expert-approved
way to handle things, but it works for
our friendship and my marriage...and
that's what's most important.
