Five Powerful Tips to Validate Your Child's Feelings

In my book 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, I wrote, and continue to strongly believe, that understanding your child is just as important, if not even more important, than loving her or him. Just as there are many divorced people who may still love their ex-spouse but never felt understood by him or her, there are many children and teens who feel loved but not understood. I can assure you that no adult has ever come to my office complaining of parentswho took too much time and energy to understand him or her!

Validating the feelings of your children powerfully helps them to feel understood. To help your child feel heard, it means you keeping your ego, and desire to lecture, in check. Validating your child's feelings also means that you don’t judge him or her. Instead, you simply acknowledge his or her feelings. This takes focus and discipline as parents. As I share with my clients, the best discipline you can give your child is you having and showing the self-discipline to be patient, empathetic, and loving---especially when he or she is not acting lovable. Contrary to what many frustrated parents may think, particularly during those stressful times of conflicts, validating feelings is not condoning bad choices or giving in to defiant behavior.

"Validating" means giving your child or teen that all important, and seemingly elusive, message that "Your feelings make sense. I not only am giving you permission to feel what you feel but I am also welcoming and accepting your feelings in a non-judgmental way.” Validating your child coveys deep empathy. This will help build your child's self-esteem and reduce his or her defiant behavior, which is often the languange choice of children who do not feel understood..

Here Are Five Ways You Can Validate Your Child/Adolescent’s Feelings:

• Communicating your intent to listen without judging or blaming and calling yourself out if you stray from this empathetic stance.

• Being sensitive to, and acknowledging how difficult and even embarrassing it is to be “different” when he/she wants to be like everyone else.

• Acknowledging the problems in his/her life and that they matter. Many children and teens I counsel repeatedly share that their parents minimize or dismiss their struggles.

• Reflecting about how upsetting it feels to them when the walls seem to be closing in and how overwhelming it is when his/her emotions seem to spin out of control.

• Understanding how deep shame (often non-detectable to frustrated parents) can keep influencing the child to behave in ways that he/she may regret later.

It is crucial to remember that when children feel validated, they will be better able to hear you and change their own behaviors. Stay mindful of how important this is not only to you child, but also to your relationship with him or her. Validating your child’s or teen’s feelings is crucial to building his or her self-esteem and will promote solid, overall emotional health.

Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein is a psychologist with over twenty-two years’ experience specializing in child, adolescent, couples, and family therapy. He holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the State University of New York at Albany and completed his post doctoral internship at the University of Pennsylvania Counseling Center. He has appeared twice on the Today Show, Court TV as an expert advisor, CBS eyewitness news Philadelphia, 10! Philadelphia—NBC and public radio. Dr. Bernstein has authored four books, including the highly popular 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (Perseus Books, 2006), 10 Days to Less Distracted Child(Perseus Books 2007), Liking the Child You Love (Perseus Books 2009) and Why Can’t You Read My Mind? (Perseus Books 2003). In addition to his counseling practice, Dr. Jeff is also available for coachig, seminars, staff in-service trainings, presentations and keynote addresses. You can also follow him on Twitter.

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