How to talk about the 'birds and bees' with your child in the 21st century

"My child is 12 and I know I should have had 'the talk' with them by now but I'm embarrassed and don't know how to start talking to them – or what to even say. Help!"

The good news is you’ve probably had many conversations with your child about friendships and feelings over the years. Rather than having one ‘big talk’ now, you can continue with these everyday conversations adapting them to your child’s needs as they grow.

It’s worth stating from the outset that what might seem like a simple ‘sex talk’ potentially covers a large area and as other parents will also have the same worries as you I’ve included a lot of resources here to help you explore a variety of topics for different ages/ needs.

Before you start, remember:

There is no ‘perfect’ way tackle this topic. We all vary in how to approach it, influenced by past and present experiences of sex education and interpersonal relationships; plus our faith/ politics/ personal values. You will adapt discussions to your child’s maturity, comprehension, and any additional needs. It might take practice. It is fine not to always have a ready answer, to tell your child you will find out (or direct an older child/ teen to resources that you can talk about later), and admit you find some topics challenging.

Where to begin?

Start with the relationship you and your child know best – the one you share together. What do you like about being a parent? How do you make your home feel safe and nurturing? Do you have a support network of friends/ family who can help keep parenting in perspective and be an outlet to celebrate your child’s life?

How does thinking about creating a positive, boundaried and loving relationship with your child make you feel? Happy? Or does it trigger negative memories of your own childhood or anxieties about your abilities as a parent? Homestart and Surestart can help you get the best for your family whatever its make up (e.g. single parent, two parents, a blended family, or if you are a carer or foster parent). As might counselling for you individually or with your partner if you are struggling with interpersonal relationships.

This may seem a strange place to begin but it will help build your confidence to talk about potentially difficult topics, but also show your child a positive relationship model they can build upon in future life.

What are you happy to talk about?

List things you’ve already covered (e.g. friendships, bullying, recognising emotions). Then list topics you are less confident on and note the reasons why.

Some parents are very happy to talk about biology, physical development, reproduction and birth; others fear it’s too technical or they might get the facts wrong. Some parents prefer discussing emotions, respect and love while others find this awkward or triggering. You may welcome the chance to discuss topics like contraception, sexuality, the mechanics of sex, pleasure, sexual health or abortion or find them distasteful or difficult. We all have our comfort zones so considering the resources below can identify where you might want additional assistance.

Useful resources

Your library is often a good source of relationships books for children and teens (plus parenting texts) as are the following websites/ organisations.

What Makes A Baby is a great conversation resource for parents with young children.

BishUK has resources for parents and teens, as does Scarleteen and Teenage Health Freak. These cover a range of topics from the physical/biological to the personal and emotional.

If you have a child/ teen with additional needs, Robin at Scarleteen has compiled numerous resources on sex/ disability while this guide may be useful for parents of a child/teen with a learning disability.

You and your child may have questions about gender in which case Mermaids is supportive, while teenagers might find It’s Pronounced Metrosexual fun.

Your child/ teen may want to know about sexuality including asexuality. If your child is bi, lesbian or gay you can connect with other parents at FFLAG.

Saferinternet and Childnet are useful resources for looking out for your child’s well-being online.

The Family Planning Association runs Speakeasy that builds communication skills and addresses common anxieties parents have about discussing sex (e.g. if you talk about it your child will go off and try it).

Your child’s school could arrange for a speaker to teach conversation skills. This can be useful prior to any formal sex education lessons so you are prepared for any questions your child might come home with. It can also help you interpret what’s discussed at school to your child’s developmental needs, and your culture, faith, politics, or family type.

Look for ‘teachable moments’

Yes, it’s a naff phrase, but talking around things that are part of your child’s life may feel easier for you both. Some options include highlighting positive and negative examples about relationships and sex you spot in stories/ novels, films, music videos, news headlines, or soap operas. Nature documentaries can be a place to learn about reproduction.

Helping your child be a critical media user can benefit them thinking about how the media talks about sex, relationships, love, gender and sexuality – and how this isn’t always fair or accurate. It can help them question some of the bad science, aspirational and commercialised sex messages that exist. While noting that relationships, friendships and family life can be diverse and that there aren’t always comfortable or immediate solutions to relationship problems.

Events in your own life or those of friends and family such as pregnancy, marriage or divorce can trigger questions from your child or be an opportunity for you to begin a conversation. This might be particularly an issue if you are a single parent or going through separation or divorce. It can help to remind yourself and your child that families come in all kinds of varieties and again reinforce messages of consistency and love to your child, while seeking support and self-care for yourself as necessary.

Forewarning your child about physical changes and puberty is also important. Helping them anticipate periods, wet dreams, growing body hair and other physical and mood changes may not completely avoid teenage angst but could reduce their fears. It also creates an atmosphere that they can talk to you if they experience puberty much earlier or later than expected. Providing them with deodorant or body wash, towels/ tampons or talking about privacy also helps. As might frank discussions on managing laundry when there’s been a wet dream or unexpected period. People manage these life events in different ways – with humour, celebration, practical help or keeping things low key. It’s up to you and your child to decide what suits you best.

But they won’t talk to me!

It’s normal your child/ teen might not always want to talk when you do. Often they want simple answers to questions (particularly younger children). Let them know you’ll be there to listen if they want to ask you anything – but don’t assume if they have a question they’ll always ask. You’ll need to raise issues as they may not feel able to do so, or may have heard things in the schoolyard that aren’t always helpful and you’ll need to clarify.

Note if your child seems not to want to talk because they aren’t interested or whether they seem embarrassed or upset. Alternatives to conversations include

• writing or drawing how they feel (or with a younger child showing through play)
• referring you to something in media that mirrors their question/ situation
• inviting them to be an ‘agony aunt’ and find out the answer to their question (using the links above)

They may choose to discuss some issues with their friends; their teacher, school nurse, GP, youth worker or other family members instead of talking to you. That is their choice.

You may want to have brief chats where it’s obvious you won’t go on for hours and they have an escape route (for example on the journey home from shopping). Alternatively they may prefer uninterrupted private time to talk things through with you.

They tell me things that concern me

Being aware of youth culture and talking to other parents should reduce your anxieties about what is ‘normal’ for children and teens to talk about. However your child may mention topics that leave you concerned for their well-being. Try to be their safe adult who they know they can always turn to. Rather than the parent who acts with rage, blame or disgust that can leave them feeling isolated and increase the risk of them being abused, exploited or not receiving mental or physical health care. You are only human, so if you do act with shock or distress ensure you later remind your child they are loved and you want to help them. Don’t feel you have to deal with problems alone, draw on any support services you feel could help – and act promptly in cases of abuse, bullying and violence.

It’s not just for girls

I don’t know the gender of you or your child. If you have a son it’s worth remembering school based sex education often sidelines boys, assuming they already know about sex, or not addressing positive aspects of relationships they may enjoy or tackling abuse of young men and boys. Girls can be given very negative messages about sex (avoiding pregnancy, rape or domestic violence) with no sense of agency or anticipating positive future relationships. Thinking carefully about how we present relationships messages in terms of gender is important. More so if your child is already known to be gender fluid or is questioning their assigned gender.

While you are reading sex education materials consider the limits they might be placing on your child, and what additional things you need to add.

‘The talk’ is often seen as mum’s job, but dads can and do talk about sex and relationships. Dads can use the resources above and if you are a father you may find it helps to talk to friends about how they discuss issues with their children. Single parents, same sex or Trans* parents may want to use trusted friends or family of other genders to be people their children can turn to if wanted. If you’re in a relationship discussing with your partner what you want to cover, when and who is going to say what can ensure you give consistent messages to your children. While appreciating sometimes conversations just happen and you’ll have to discuss what was said after the event. This applies if you’re separated (assuming your relationship allows for good communication).

Give them stuff to do

While talks and teaching have their place, one of the most effective things that help children form positive future relationships and avoid relationships problems or unplanned teen pregnancies is to give them stuff to do. This might be after school and holiday clubs, hobbies, drama, music or sport that bring them into contact with other role models and builds confidence and communication skills. While some activities are costly many can be discounted or are free – your library or children’s centre (see links above) and school can advise on this. Celebrating their academic achievements and supporting them at school also helps.

I bet you knew all that already!

The positive thing about listing options for talking to young people is how much of it we have already done, or now feel able to try. You are not alone in this journey and hopefully using the many resources out there as well as retaining a sense of humour, respect and love for your child can ensure they not only enjoy positive relationships in their teens and adulthood but also retain a strong bond with you.

Petra Boynton is a social psychologist and sex researcher working in International Health Care at University College London. Petra studies sex and relationships and is The Telegraph’s agony aunt. Follow her on Twitter @drpetra.

Email your sex and relationships queries to: agony.aunt@telegraph.co.uk

Please note Petra cannot offer individual responses or answer every single question.