Is there any food that better evokes a certain kind of genteel, middle-aged resignation than the crumpet? It is the edible embodiment of rainy midweek afternoons frittered away indoors in well-worn armchairs, the central heating cranked up to nuclear, over endless cups of tea and Countdown. It is the kind of scene Alan Bennett would get a Bafta-winning monologue out of (working title, A Crumpet Down the Back of the Sideboard), and one that, as summer turns to autumn and the nights draw in, has an undeniable appeal.
Amid the angry frenzy of Britain 2.0 (or 3.0, it’s difficult to keep up), who does not occasionally dream of drawing the curtains, turning phones to silent and losing oneself in stack of hot buttered crumpets? It is the ultimate in carb-based self-care.
That may explain why, for all it is tinged with nostalgia, the crumpet has maintained its residual popularity. Warburtons alone produces 1.5m a week and anything that unites such great, geographically dispersed minds as Lena Dunham and Maxine Peake has to be a good thing. A thing that – centuries on from its Welsh origins and its Victorian yeast and bicarb overhaul – surely has a future.
But only if the crumpet is showcased in its optimum state, which is where How to Eat comes in. If the crumpet is the queen of mid-afternoon snacks, how do you crown her?
A short clarification …
HTE is of course talking about freshly toasted crumpets (either homemade or shop bought). There may be people who eat them cold in some form but they need help, not encouragement.
The number of crumpets per serving very much depends on how filling your toppings are. If simply applying a spread, two crumpets is a sensible serving, leaving you the option to, later, chuck a third in the toaster.
Any more than three crumpets, however, and the law of diminishing returns kicks-in. By that point, you are less eating than looking for a comfort that will never come. Crumpets are a brief fillip in the face of the awesome, yawning awfulness of existence – but eating 12 will not fill that void. In fact, the aftermath of self-loathing will only make things worse.
When
A bit too stodgy at breakfast, a little insubstantial for tea – crumpets are a 10am to 6pm affair. A brunch, lunch or (that dread phrase) light meal, which, depending on how they are topped, can be anything from a snack to a substantial plate, but one that due to its lack of complexity, does not quite hit the mark as your main meal of the day. In that way, crumpets are similar to eating beans on toast on a wet Wednesday evening. Beans on toast may seem, in its very simplicity, precisely what you want to eat. But when you eventually sit down at 8pm, after a few mouthfuls, it inevitably seems lacking. A bit one-dimensional. Make the crumpet topping more sophisticated, you say? Well, as HTE will come to, that is fraught with danger.
Toppings: spreads
Multi-component toppings that seek to turn a crumpet into a meal are a different beast – see below – but, within reason (peculiar does not even begin to cover anyone who would put pesto on a crumpet), most sweet and savoury spreads work.
Best is salted butter, buttered crumpets being, arguably, the zenith of the crumpet experience. The Guardian’s own Felicity Cloake slathers it on until her crumpets “seep”. Elizabeth David found crumpets inedible unless “soaked”. Lena Dunham believes that crumpets are: “Basically a vehicle for the butter.” HTE would not go that far but, fundamentally, if you are eating buttered crumpets and butter is not dribbling down your chin or coagulating in greasy hillocks on your cold plate, then you are doing it wrong. Only one thing could be worse – using margarine.
After buttering, a thin application of most jams, curds and spreads (less is more, you do not want to entirely overwhelm the toasted, yeasty flavours of the crumpet), is welcome, but with some obvious exceptions.
Marmite is vile. Honey is an overbearing floral abomination that ruins anything it touches. Thicker spreads are also an issue, particularly if you slap them on with a metaphorical trowel. For instance, when added to what is a fundamentally spongy baked product, chocolate spread, peanut butter or spreadable cheeses create a critical mass of claggy, textural formlessness, which as you struggle to chew this bland wadding, will cause the crumpet – which you have now been chewing for too long – to disintegrate into unedifying crumbs. The crumpet’s crispy edges are lost in the mix. This snack becomes an unpunctuated pulp of carbs, fats and sugar.
Toppings: beyond spreads
Like everything from the taco to the pizza base, because the crumpet offers a flat surface to cover, people insist on doing so with anything and everything. There are, for instance, with inevitability, numerous “crumpizza” recipes out there.
Such recipe suggestions betray a widespread misunderstanding of the crumpet’s textural qualities. Yes, like toast, crumpets have a crisp edge, but toast is generally far thinner. Its defining characteristic is that crispness. In crumpets, the exact opposite is true. It offers but a scintilla of resistance, before giving way to the thick, spongy interior which is the crumpet’s USP. Consequently, the idea that toast and crumpets are a like-for-like replacement for one another is ludicrous.
To top a crumpet successfully, two key things need to be considered. Firstly, the topping cannot be too saucy. In the darkest recesses of the internet you can find recipes for everything from chicken curry to beef-and-gravy topped crumpets. Both of those are too liquid. A wet crumpet will disintegrate into a mealy mush in the mouth. Secondly, whatever you top your crumpet with has to provide some sort of distinctive textural contrast – a snappy crispness, a bite, a popping sensation. That is why Morecambe Bay shrimps in mace butter are a perfectly good crumpet topping, but pulled pork would not be. Woolly protein on woolly carbs is woolly thinking.
Good toppings
Hard cheese A strong mature cheddar sliced in generous slabs on top of warm, buttered crumpets. Melted cheese or rarebit threaten to turn this lunch into a soft, greasy mess.
Potted Morecambe Bay shrimps See above.
Well-done bacon, silky poached egg and baked beans Any combination of these items will work. Unlike sausages, they offer varying degrees of textural differentiation and, in the egg’s case, just enough yolk to moisten but not drown your crumpet.
Bad toppings
Avocado? Avoca-no.
Roasted vegetables Why would you do that to a crumpet? And in related news, why does the world tolerate roasted vegetables, which are invariably an oily tangle of charred, pan-fried bell peppers?
Smoked salmon, scrambled eggs All soft layers and no backbone. It would quickly get boring.
Crab Like pulled pork, where is the contrast?
Hummus, spinach and tomato A Warburton’s suggestion from a recipe database that (turkey and cranberry sauce, anyone?), attempts to crowbar crumpets into any situation and repeatedly – brie, cranberry, pecans and creme fraiche, or mascarpone and bananas – builds up layers of gummy flavours.
Poached eggs and hollandaise You may argue this is little different to the “full English” combo outlined above, but … sauce. There is a reason why eggs benedict relies on English muffins – they are more robust and absorbent than crumpets.
Burgers Depressing that this needs to be pointed but, there you go, that’s Instagram for you. Putting a burger between two crumpets is, was and always will be a bad idea.
Beef casserole Momentarily, this kind of makes sense. How different, ultimately, are crumpets from the kind of dumplings you would find in a beef casserole? Different enough. Beef casserole is too wet and fibrous to top a crumpet. The compelling pimpmycrumpet.com is home to a profusion of similarly maverick recipes, from a carb-on-carbs crumpet carbonara to coq au vin. Its “crumpetwurst” achieves the impossible by taking the original currywurst and, actually, making it even less appealing.
Mac ’n’ cheese Seriously, are you five years-old?
Equipment
Unless you’re happy to drip butter all over the laminate, a plate is essential and some sort of napkin or paper towel is desirable for those buttery fingers. A knife and fork would be necessary for some of the topped versions, but, please, do not sit at a table to eat a crumpet. This is comfort food. It should be eaten on the sofa, watching TV (Countdown optional).
Drink
Strong tea for crumpets with jam/spreads, but once we get into the realms of topped crumpets, your wine/beer choice will depend on the topping.
So, crumpets: how do you eat yours?
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