She says she's not ready for a relationship. Can I win her over?

Dear Eva,

Last year, I started talking to someone I was completely blown away by. We had lots in common and a connection, too. I know she felt the same way.

After I was hooked, she revealed that she was going through a divorce and wasn’t ready to have an emotional or physical relationship. I continued to see her, hoping that slowly but surely she might be ready.

I have always been conscious that any pressure from me might cause her to abandon ship completely, so I’ve tried to give her plenty of space to deal with the extreme difficulty of divorce and the other things that have been stressful in her life recently.

Before Christmas, the longest we had gone without communication was just a couple of days but through the new year we went up to eight days without talking, at which point I told her I missed being in touch. She said she would be in touch after she had finished unpacking after moving house. Three weeks passed ... The first pretty easily, the second less so, but the third week has been a constant heart-in-stomach nausea.

I decided to do something: I rejoined Tinder to see if she had too (I suggested we both quit early on for simplicity but mainly because I know how Tinder works and how easy it is to get sucked into the void of “maybe better”). She was on Tinder and active too, so I sent her a simple “Hey” via Whatsapp and got an immediate reply and I said what I wanted to say: “I want to see you.” I was expecting this to be her cue to end things, but she gave me a “Maybe next week” and then proceeded to send me a couple of photos (clothed!) of her looking beautiful.

Am I being reckless with my own emotional state by pursuing this? That she is on Tinder after being “all yours” previously bothers me a lot, but I’m reluctant to bring that up. She has previously stated that she needs patience and understanding, which considering what she is going through, I am willing to give her, but seemingly three weeks of being in the dark has taken its toll and appears to be my limit.

I see such potential in her that I am willing to be noble, be a gentleman and not press the self-destruct button just because I’m not getting what I want, when I want, but fear that I am due for a one-way ticket to the friend zone with this approach.

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Hey, you.

Life is not a romantic comedy. Someone who tells you that they aren’t ready for an emotional and physical relationship is not someone who you can win over through patience and kindness. But you’re not alone in hoping so.

There’s some undeniable appeal in someone who presents themselves as damaged and difficult. What could be more of a victory for you if you help them be their best self, because you are special and different? What could be more of a sign of their true devotion to you than a commitment to overcome their personal struggles? I’ve been there, my friend. And it has not resulted in a loving, lasting relationship.

You say that you know that this woman is looking for validation. And you’re giving it to her: she’s telling you that she is unavailable, and you’re continuing to hope. That validates that she is attractive and powerful. And maybe she is attractive and powerful. But letting her have power over you isn’t going to make you happy.

A relationship which has no space for you and what you want and need is never going to be a happy one, for either party. If this woman needs space to figure out what she wants – and the fact that she’s stringing you along while also trying to meet other folks on Tinder is a clear sign that she needs space – then you should let her take it by removing yourself from the equation. She knows how to get in touch with you and if she wants to, she will. But in the meantime you can explore the possibility of finding someone who is ready for a relationship with you right now. This may take a while longer than three weeks. But it will be worth it.

Love,

Eva