How to Turn a Fling Into a Relationship
How to Turn a Fling Into a Relationship in 4.5 Steps
Are you catching feelings for a fling? Don’t despair: Transforming a casual relationship into a serious one is possible — and more common than you think.
Biological anthropologist Helen Fisher calls the concept of letting a hook-up progressively evolve into commitment “slow love.” She told The Washington Post that an increasing number of singles are looking to have sex early while taking their time before committing — and they are using casual relationships as a way to explore long-term compatibility.
If you want to turn your fling into a love story, there are a few things to keep in mind. First, know that feeling scared is to be expected.
“Crossing that boundary from fling to exclusivity can be one of the scariest chasms for a man to cross,” says personalized relationship and image consultant Chris Gillis.
Also, it’s important to remember that a relationship takes time and effort, and that both partners must be willing to invest in it in order for it to be successful, Gillis notes.
Yes, there are steps you can take to give your fling the best chances of evolving into serious territory. But the desire to progress your connection has to be mutual. Below is everything you need to know to turn a fling into a serious relationship.
1. Assess the Current Stage of Your Relationship
Just because you’re daydreaming about doing couple-y things with your fling doesn’t mean that your relationship has reached that level of intimacy yet. The first step to turning a fling into a relationship is assessing where you are.
How much time are you spending together? Are your lives getting intertwined?
“A relationship typically means that people are part of each other's lives,” says Bianca Saia, therapist and founder of the Divan Bleu individual and couples therapy clinic. “They show their investment by spending significant time together — and not only during evenings that end after sex or the morning after.”
Both Saia and Gillis agree that if you’re making future plans beyond the next date, it’s a sign that things have a chance of getting more serious. Feeling the desire to introduce each other to friends and family is also telling.
“You will know you are ready to advance the relationship forward when you and your partner have had open and honest conversations about your feelings and intentions,” says Gillis.
He also notes there may be an increased focus on exclusivity. While non-monogamy and serious romantic relationships aren't mutually exclusive, it can be useful to go monogamous, or at least more exclusive, while establishing a more serious connection in order to let both parties focus on what they share with each other.
2. Open the Lines of Communication
Once you have a good sense of where you stand, it’s crucial to start communicating your intentions.
“It's important to have open and honest conversations with your partner about your feelings and intentions, and to make sure that you are both on the same page,” says Gillis.
Stay open-minded and considerate, even if your partner doesn’t give you the response you expected.
“Show respect and consideration for your partner's feelings and boundaries, and be willing to compromise when necessary,” Gillis adds.
Let’s say that you discover that your partner is open to the idea of commitment, but not quite on the same timeline as you, or that they have concerns. It’s a great opportunity to demonstrate your maturity and ability to navigate conflict. As Gillis notes, you can give your partner a “preview” of your conflict style and show that you are open to feedback and willing to work through issues.
Transparent communication is also essential as far as determining your compatibility as life partners. Don’t be afraid to ask your fling questions about their own desires and intentions when it comes to topics like monogamy, money, family and career.
“Leave no rocks unturned and be intentional about asking questions that will define the quality of a shared life and your compatibility as partners,” Saia advises. “The more you know about each other explicitly, the more you can make a choice that's confident and the more you can address possible problems early on.”
3. Show Your Commitment Through Your Actions
Now that you’ve had honest conversations, you’ll want to walk your talk.
“Show your partner that you care about them and are invested in the relationship,” says Saia.
From initiating plans to spend more time together to meeting each other’s loved ones, demonstrate your commitment through your actions.
Consistency and reliability are key, says Gillis: “Do what you say, and say what you will do. Be consistent in your actions, and make sure you follow through on your commitments.”
4. Avoid Pushiness and Dishonesty
When aiming to turn a fling into a relationship, there are behaviors you’ll want to avoid. Don’t be pushy, as pressure can make your partner feel uncomfortable.
Gillis says that lying or hiding information is another big no-no that can jeopardize the foundation of trust that you’re aiming to build.
“It's essential to avoid playing games, being dishonest in any way, trying to mind-read, and being too pushy,” says Saia. “Whenever your partner displays some emotion, make sure to never minimize it. If you make mistakes, own them — that will make you more trustworthy. Be reliable and always be there when your partner is sad, sick, or if they otherwise could use your help.”
5. …But Don’t Ignore Red Flags
Throughout all this, it can be useful to remember that infatuation can have you looking at the situation through rose-colored glasses. Stay grounded and objective without trying to force an outcome at all costs.
“Pay attention to any red flags or warning signs that may indicate the relationship is not healthy or that the other person is not ready for something more serious,” Gillis advises.
It’s also important to be mindful of not falling into the trap of solely focusing on your physical chemistry.
“A fling may be based on sexual attraction, but to turn it into a serious relationship, it's important to establish deeper emotional connection, compatibility and shared values,” Gillis adds.
Turning a fling into a relationship is a process. It requires vulnerability, honesty, understanding and intentional action. But it’s not something you can fully control.
As Saia puts it, “be patient and don't rush things — allow the relationship to develop naturally.”
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