Am I ready for sex?

The most important thing to work out is whether or not you want to have sex. It should be something you feel excited about, turned on by, and want to try. If you’re feeling worried or unsure it could be a sign that you are not ready. Spend some time thinking about it to try to work out how you feel. 

For some people it’s important to be in a committed and trusting relationship first. Other people might not need this so much. Either way, thinking about the person and the situation can help make sure that you feel comfortable, confident and in control for your first-time. 

Remember, there are lots of ways to be sexy and intimate with your partner, you might feel ready to explore some things and not others – that’s totally ok! You don’t have to do everything all at once.

Talk to your partner about what you do and don’t want to try to make sure you’re both on the same page.

Peer pressure can be a difficult thing to deal with, but it’s important to know that there is no deadline for having sex! Different people will feel ready at different times. It might depend on your relationship status, your beliefs, or other things going on in your life. 

Remember, people around you might say that they’re having sex all the time, but they could be exaggerating. It’s always better to wait until you’re sure it’s right for you than to rush into sex because of what other people are doing. 

Whether you have sex is not something to compromise on – it has to be a joint agreement that you’re both into equally and enthusiastically. You should never feel pressured or pressure anyone else into having sex. Sexual consent is a must-have, every time you have sex. 

If you're not interested or ready, your partner should understand and respect that. It’s important to talk about it openly so you both know where you stand.

This is a really common question. Although, it’s normal for vaginal or anal penetration to feel a little uncomfortable at first, it shouldn’t be really painful.  

Two things can help the physical side of this: the first is foreplay, this can help turn you and your partner on so penetration feels better, the second is lube. This is especially helpful for anal sex.

Penetration is more likely to hurt if you’re feeling nervous or tense. Making sure you feel ready for sex can help. 

If you’ve decided that you’re ready for sex, the next step is to prepare what you need to prevent unplanned pregnancies and STIs. 

A condom is the best way to prevent STIs as well as unplanned pregnancy. There are other contraception options too that can prevent pregnancy. 

Getting lube is also a good idea. Lube can make sex feel better for both partners. It’s especially important if you’re having anal sex as the anus doesn’t make its own lubrication.

If you are having sex, it’s a good idea to test for HIV and other STIs regularly. This will help keep you and your partners healthy. 

Let’s be clear – just because you’ve had sex before, doesn’t mean you’ve signed up to it at any and every opportunity in the future. Your feelings about sex might change as you grow and get to know yourself better, and your feelings about your partner could change too. 

Plus, you might have had one kind of sex before – but that doesn’t mean you’re automatically into every other kind of sex! Think about what you want and what feels right for you. 

Here is a question to help kick-off discussions on the issues you need to talk about! You can share it on social, on WhatsApp or just get talking.

It can take a while to work out what you want sexually, and some people might realise that they’re just not interested in sex. This can be a short-term thing that passes: sometimes dips in your sexual desire can be related to your mood, other aspects of your health, or things going on in your life. If you’re worried about a loss of desire, speak to your healthcare professional.

However, some people find that they never (or only very rarely) feel sexual desire. This is normal for them and part of who they are. Sometimes people who feel this way describe themselves as asexual. Being asexual is just one way people experience their sexuality. Find out more about different sexualities.

If someone is trying to decide whether they are ready to have sex or not, there’s a few helpful things to remember. 

Let them talk and listen carefully to understand their concerns and desires. Ask helpful questions and try to understand if this is their decision, or something they’re considering only to please their partner. Be careful not to put any pressure on them yourself, it’s important that they come to their own decision. 

To help them, you could ask what conversations they’ve had around the topic. If any of these phrases come up, then it’s worth talking to them about the possibility that they’re being pressured to have sex: 

•    “You would if you loved me” 
•    “Everyone else is doing it!” 
•    “It will make our relationship stronger” 
•    “You’ll have to do it sometime – why not now, with me?” 
•    “You’ll like it once we do it.” 

It’s worth remembering that it’s not just partners that can create pressure to have sex – friends can do this too, without realising how damaging it can be. Ask the person if they’ve felt pressured by friends or if any of the following phrases seem familiar. 

•    “You mean you’ve never done it?” 
•    “I lost it when I was 12… ” 
•    “Yeah, I’ve had sex loads of times” 
•    “You’re a virgin, you wouldn’t understand.” 

It might be helpful to remind them that their friends may be saying these things because they want to sound more experienced than they really are. The best thing they can do is what feels right for them and their situation.