A lot of the time, conversation is focused on how hard it is to get into a relationship. We talk about how to know if someone is the right fit for us, how to develop a relationship with someone, etc. We also talk a lot about ways to keep a relationship going, such as good communication, trust, and keeping things exciting. But, there never seems to be much talk about how to end a relationship. We’re so caught up in worrying about getting and keeping someone, that we don’t think much about what to do when we realize that person isn’t right for us. There’s a lot that goes into ending a relationship and there are key steps you have to take emotionally for yourself and for the other person. If you’re going to breakup with someone, think of implementing CRHCB: Confidence, Respect, Honesty, Compassion, and Boundaries.
Establish confidence in your decision
The first step in breaking up with someone is establishing confidence in your decision. You have to know 100% that you want to end the relationship because when you’re not confident in your decision, you can be convinced to stay in an unhealthy relationship or end up in an on-again-off-again situation. Also, you wouldn’t want to put someone through the heartbreak of breaking up with them just to change your mind afterwards, which would then put an element of distrust and insecurity in your relationship once you got back together. So, talk to your friends and family members that you’re closest with, make a list of reasons it’s better for you to leave the relationship, and feel good about your decision knowing it’s what’s best for you.
Be respectful.
The second step is to end your relationship in a way that is respectful to the other person. Think about how you would want someone to break off a relationship with you and then give that same respect to the person you’re breaking up with. You probably wouldn’t want to be broken up with over a text message or a Facebook relationship status change, so don’t do that to the other person. Whenever possible, it’s best to set up a talk with them in-person. You can let them know over a text message that you want to talk with them so they don’t feel blindsided, but try to have the actual conversation about ending the relationship face to face. Not only is it better for the other person, it’s ultimately better for you. Oftentimes, we find it hard to communicate with someone face to face about a tough subject. If you can look the other person in the eye and let them know it’s over, they’ll be more likely to believe you and you’ll have an easier time staying strong in your decision — as opposed to saying it over the phone, seeing them in person, and getting back together with them because you aren’t able to stick to your decision in person.
Be honest
The third step is to be honest and open with your soon-to-be-ex in your conversation. Don’t use the old “it’s not you, it’s me” tactic, because they’ll know it’s not true and clichés can be insulting. Have the courage and respect to be completely honest with them about what you’re feeling and why you think the relationship should end. This way they don’t have to walk away from the relationship with unanswered questions that could torment them for years, wondering what they could have done or why they weren’t enough. If they didn’t treat you well in the relationship, let them know so that hopefully they can change their ways in their next relationship. And if they did treat you well, let them know that so they don’t go into future relationships treating someone poorly because they don’t think being the “nice guy” or “nice girl” brings them success in the dating world. Think about it as an exit interview: give them all the information and then let them decide what they want to do with it.
Show compassion
The fourth step is to show compassion to the person you are breaking up with. While it’s important to let them know your side of the situation and stay firm in your decision to end the relationship, you still need to let them share their perspective and feelings. It’s not necessarily so that you’ll change your mind, but so that the other person feels that they have said what they need to say. Understand where they’re coming from, but don’t let it change your decision. This, at least, lets the other person walk away knowing there’s nothing more they could have said to change your mind and within that they’ll hopefully find closure, which brings us to the last step.
Establish boundaries
The fifth and final step in breaking up with someone is to establish boundaries with them. This is often the hardest part of ending a relationship. Chances are you have mutual friends, you hang out at the same places, and maybe you even go to school together. It can be hard to have a clean break with someone when you factor in all the commonalities between your lives. While you want to be realistic about the boundaries you set with them, you want to be firm about them. If you know there are places where you’re going to see them in person, create a boundary so that you can’t contact each other over the phone or through social media. Whatever it is you decide, it needs to help you both find closure and move on with your lives. If you decide you want to be friends with your ex, you should still take a certain amount of time off from communicating and then revisit the situation by having a conversation about it in the future. Be careful with this: don't offer to stay friends with someone just because you want to soften the blow.
Breakups are an extremely difficult experience to go through, no matter if you’re the dumper or the dumpee. Feelings are likely to get hurt and it’s a life change for the both of you. But as long as you remember to stay respectful and honest, you’ll significantly reduce the amount of pain that results from the breakup. Hopefully this advice helps you stay strong and confident while you move on to the next chapter of your life.
Related: 9 Breakup Rules Every Girl Needs to Follow
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