Welcome to "Ask a Sex Educator," a weekly series where renowned sex educator Lena Solow answers all of your questions about the tough stuff — sexuality, gender, bodies, STDs, pregnancy, consent, pleasure, and more.
How come when boys want to kiss you and you don't want to do it, they get mad? Do I have to kiss them so they don't get mad at me? I told my mom and she said if I'm nice about it, they will leave me alone. Do I have to be nice even if they are gross?
Isn’t it awful that boys would get mad at you just for having a boundary? And isn’t it awful that you feel like you have to do something you don’t want just to make a boy happy? Yuck! I hate that. And it sounds like you also have the right instinct that this isn’t OK — it is, as you say, gross. Unfortunately, boys are often taught that girls owe them things like kissing, and they’re taught to keep bothering you or trying to manipulate you until you do it. What makes this even harder, is that you and other girls are taught that you’re supposed to just be nice and let boys down easy and not make a big scene. This combination of factors (boys feeling entitled and girls feeling pressure to be nice) is awful and messed up, and unfortunately you may continue to encounter situations where these issues come up.
So, given that reality, what should you do? You do NOT have to kiss them! Ever! The only time you should kiss someone is when you’re really, really excited to kiss them, and they’re excited to kiss you. You get to assess the situation and trust your instincts on what would make you feel comfortable and safe. Sometimes you might want to get out of a situation quickly, so you might not feel like getting into a long conversation with the boy. Other times you might want to speak up and set a firm and clear boundary. Because girls are so often told NOT to speak up, it’s helpful to practice what you might say. You and your friends can practice together saying in a confident and assertive voice statements like, “I don’t want to kiss you.” “I told you not to kiss me, and you’re making me uncomfortable.” “Stop asking me to kiss you, I already told you I don’t want to.”
But, importantly, if you feel too nervous or scared to speak up in that way, it’s still not OK for a boy to try to make you do something you don’t want to do. These boys are not being nice to you, and it’s not your job to take care of their feelings or respond in a nice way. It’s your job to do what you need to feel safe and comfortable. A boy who responds to your boundaries with anger, defensiveness, or blame, does not deserve your company.
Also, I know for a fact that you are not alone in these feelings. Talk to your friends — I bet some of them also feel mad or weird that boys try to demand things from them. You can help support each other if you know that you’re on the same page, and that you’re all not going to stand for boys acting that way.
As a side note — I asked my mom what she would say in response to this, and a lot of ideas here come from her. Thanks, Mom!
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