How to keep your friends: Facebook, volunteering and working at it

I'm in my late 30's and within the space of about 6months my two best mates emigrated, to countries that cost at least £700 in air tickets to visit them. They were friends I really trusted and could share emotions with not just beers. And crucially they had known me for a good few years. It's always warming to meet someone who 'knows' you, your history and was with you thru the good and bad times, and whom you've supported like wise.

My experience of trying to find new guy friends is that it's very hard - It's just an impression, but guys in this age range tend to be in relationships / married / busy with kids. Or the guy you'd like to hang out with and get to know, well he's already got a best friend and a group of mates he's know for years - there's no room for a new face, you don't know the history, you weren't there at the time, you don't get all the 'in' jokes etc.

I posted a rather flip comment earlier and regret it since this is actually quite a serious issue.

I have been through the same marriage/work/kids mill as many guys but have been lucky to keep two close friends who I see regularly without fail and have done since school. Equally lucky is that as we have progressed through life we have managed to integrate our own friendships into our family lives and become almost like an extended family with the children and wives all getting along together and having holidays in various permutations over the years. Just as well really, as it turned out, since when we lost our 17 year old son to an accident overseas in 2008 we had a massive well of support to help us and our daughter through the kind of living hell that might have broken us otherwise.

There are a bunch of other people of both sexes who I count as good friends and see regularly in various social situations but maintaining a social circle does involve sometimes putting in effort you don't feel like making because you are tired, broke, or just generally pissed off. Plus new friends tend to be made through old friends.

My real point is that friendships are like any other relationship - left to wither on the vine they will eventually die. Make the effort, chaps - apart from anything else, if all your eggs are in one basket you will be bereft and lonely if that basket disintegrates.

At least in my social circle, I can point to quite a few (straight) men who, once they are in a serious relationship, have delegated the administration of their social life to their girlfriend or wife. I do not know if this is a peculiarly male trait; none of my female friends have done the same thing. But it seems to me that Max's problem is not the lack of friends, but lack of his own friends.

As one of the "old friends" in this scenario, if you are close with the man but not the girlfriend or wife, you no longer invited to things with the same frequency, if at all. Even arranging one-on-one and other meet-ups direct with the gent can be difficult because of the need to "check with XXX whether I am free" etc. It can spell death by a thousand cuts for the close friendship - it's not that you fall out, but it's just hard to maintain a friendship with someone who acts like they're totally apathetic about seeing you.

A lot of what you say in this article resonates with me, as I can apply it to my husband. It's not that he doesn't have friends any more, more that he so rarely sees them. They're all as bad as each other, which at least means they don't blame each other for not getting in touch, but I do worry about him sometimes. He always says that between work, the kids, and the limited amount of time he has with me he's just too busy (and that it's the same for his mates) but my feeling is that it's important to have something outside of that, something that's really just for you.

The thing is, though, that I think men's friendships tend to revolve around what they do together, whereas women's revolve around just being together (mostly). And when you get busy (which you really do once you've got weans) then those activities often have to fall by the wayside - I'm thinking particularly of my brother-in-law, who used to play a lot of football and golf with his friends but doesn't any more since they all became dads. Maybe the sport/going to the footie/band practice etc is the excuse a lot of men need to avoid saying to their friends, "hey, I'd like to spend some time with you"?!

I'm 30 years older than you, so can tell you that yes, this is normal - we all shed friends for a multiplicity of reasons, including finding and becoming obsessed (if temporarily) with boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner, thus excluding everyone else even if uninentionally; careers; moving away; growing out of once shared interests - there's a limit to how long you want to be racing Scalectrix (which I can't spell anyway) cars: and anyway I can't get up off the floor now and somehow it's not the same if you have to sit in an easy chair to do it.

From my remote standpoint, I have two pieces of advice: one - try harder not to lose them ... keep in touch, because you'll miss them if you don't; and two - keep making new friends, especially those younger than yourself if they'll have you; don't strive to keep up with the young physically - that way lies the double hernia and making yourself look ridiculous: I did know a 65 year old who went clubbing, but I regret to say he funned himself into a coronary.. Even so, within the realm of the feasible, encourage new friendships and don't become a creature of tramlined predestination, and thus both boring and increasingly isolated.

A great way to meet people is to volunteer. I've met people by volunteering for political events, film festivals, music festivals. There are groups out there for every interest.

Back in the 80s and 90s I found myself losing touch with friends and later regretting it and having a few more lonely years. Glad to say I have reconnected with many people through Facebook and LinkedIn. Whatever people say about the superficiality of social media, getting in touch with a former girlfriend 22 years on and hearing that she has done well for herself was a real joy. These days for young people it should be easier to maintain contact and rebuild lapsed friendships.