We've all been there: It's your busiest season at work, you have both a dentist appointment and a broken heater to deal with—and to top things off, your phone buzzes with a text from Mom: "You're not coming home this weekend? We never see you anymore." Oh, and what's that in your Gmail? A message from your best friend chiding you for not agreeing to after-work drinks: "But it's my birthday month!" Ugh. A guilt trip is not the type of vacation you were hoping for right about now.
"Guilt can be very direct or indirect," says Alice Ann Holland, Ph.D., a Dallas neuropsychologist. "It can be kind of in-your-face or subtle, 'I wish you’d been there,' repeated, passive-aggressive comments." And those little comments can add up to a whole lot of stress.
"The thing about guilt is that it's one of those emotions that, in small doses, is really useful because it protects our relationships," says Guy Winch, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts. "If we forgot to call someone on their birthday, guilt will nag us until we do.” The problem occurs when guilt goes unresolved. “If you think of the mind as something that has a limited amount of computational power and emotional energy, guilt sucks up a lot of that," says Winch. So how do you deal when your nearest and dearest are laying it on thick? Read on for some easy tips.
1. Listen to the Other Person
Our first instinct when we think we're being manipulated is to resist, says David Feinstein, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and executive director of InnerSource in Ashland, Oregon. But he suggests a softer approach. "Begin by hearing what [the person is] asking for, rather than saying no immediately, to let them know that you understand what they're saying," he says. For example, if your mom wants you to come visit, Feinstein recommends saying something like, "I hear you, it sounds like it's really important to you that I come over and it would be lonely with none of your kids there."
2. Assess the Situation
Don't feel bad if you RSVP "no" to that wedding of a long-distance friend you haven't seen in years. "The reasonableness of the request matters in how you are going to respond," he says. "If the request is unreasonable, then it's more about setting limits, in a kind way. If the request is reasonable, but you can't do it for whatever reason, then it's really more about issuing an effective apology." Let’s say you're setting limits for a party you can't attend because of work obligations. Winch suggests saying something like this: "I really understand you would like me to go. I'd love to go, but it's just not possible for me to take off work and I've already said that to you. I can't change that, so all you're doing now is making me feel really bad, when there's nothing I can do to change it."
And when it comes to apologizing, you should be focused on demonstrating your understanding of the other person, as opposed to the reason you have for not going, says Winch, who suggests saying something to the effect of, "I'm so sorry I can't make your birthday party. I know how disappointed you must be, so I'm really sorry if that puts you out. I'm just having such a tense time at work that I just don’t want to risk taking that evening off."
3. Get Real
Most importantly, you should be as honest as you can, says Holland. "I think a lot of people have a hard time saying no to invitations even when we're legitimately too tired, or too stressed, or too busy,” says Holland. “And we think that’s not a good enough excuse, partly because we know people tend to use that as an excuse even when it's not true, right?” So the best thing you can do is be upfront. “If you develop a reputation for being honest about your reasons for not being able or wanting to do certain things, people will really respect it when there are times that you really are too tired, or too stressed, or too busy," says Holland.
4. Set Boundaries
Don't leave anything to chance—be absolutely clear about your limitations right away. "The easiest and the simplest thing is to set clear and firm boundaries and limits so as to not get dragged into a situation where you're having to debate this issue or justify or defend your position," says Kieran Ayre, Ph.D., a Morristown, New Jersey, licensed clinical social worker.
5. Propose an Alternate Plan
What if you actually do want to hang out with the high school friend you've been accidentally blowing off, or you really wish you could make it home for Easter? Make sure to let the person extending the invite know that you wish you could make it and set up another time to see her. Holland suggests saying something to this effect: “You know I would really would love to be there for you, but it's busy season at work and I'm feeling too run down to go to that party tomorrow night.” Then make firm plans to make it up to him or her later.
6. Talk to the ‘Guilty’ Party
It often seems like the same people nag us about social engagements over and over. In situations like that, says Holland, it's a good idea to address the issue head-on. "If it’s a chronic problem with a particular person, just [take] the time to talk to that person when an invitation is not on the table," she says. "Taking the time to sit down and say, 'You know, I really value your friendship, but I can't always accept every invitation. How can we work together to address this situation in the future so we don't get into nagging or arguing or hurt feelings?' Doing that at a time when there's not an active issue can be helpful because there's not a specific situation that you're arguing about."
7. Keep It Moving
What if your mom refuses to budge when you tell her that you really can't make the 500-mile trip home in the middle of marathon training? Sometimes, you just let it go. "Acknowledge what the person is saying, but then move on,” says Ayre. Say something like, "I'm sorry, Mom, that you feel that way. It has to be hard to be alone at this time of the year. I unfortunately have other commitments, but I will connect with you on X date."
8. Self-Reflect
We feel ya: Guilt can do a number on you. So, it's important to find time to chill and put the kibosh on any negative feelings you might have about a situation. "Reflection is a very powerful way to deal with guilt, both as a receiver or if you're tending to use guilt," says Feinstein. "If you're receiving the guilt and you're feeling the guilt, reflection on whether your guilt is proportional to the situation can really help to dissolve [it]. I think that journaling is one of the best techniques for that; writing about all of the pieces of [the situation]."
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