A corporate lawyer, Stacy T. often spent 12-hour days at the office — only to come home and slog through another hour or two of housework. "I'd scrub and vacuum while my husband vegged out in front of the TV," the 27-year-old recalls. "My libido took a serious nosedive, but it took me a long time to realize that it wasn't anxiety or hormones." A sink full of dishes, an overflowing trash bin, and a living room that desperately needed straightening were to blame.

A whopping 68 million women in the United States — nearly 60 percent — work outside the home. But we still spend at least an hour more each day than men on household tasks like cleaning and caring for children. Even "enlightened" couples may slip into Leave It to Beaver mode at the end of the workday — meaning that she mans the stove and picks up the Star Wars action figures while he puts his feet up, says couples therapist Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D., author of Make Up, Don't Break Up. In one survey more than half of the female respondents said they had more chores and obligations than they used to, which made leisure time less relaxing and less enjoyable. Sound familiar?

The problem is that, like Stacy, most of us don't know why our libidos are low — meaning there's no way our guys could hope to figure it out either. "I'd estimate that up to 90 percent of women with decreased sex drive don't know what's causing the problem," says gynecologist and obstetrician Judith Reichman, M.D., author of I'm Not in the Mood: What Every Woman Should Know About Improving Her Libido. Step one: Talk to your doctor, she advises. "A simple blood test can rule out causes like medications, low hormones, or other health conditions." Step two: Dig out your sexiest lingerie, grab him by the boxers, and find a cozy B&B for the weekend. "If you can resurrect your sex life on vacation, you'll know that the stresses of everyday life — such as too much housework — are probably the cause [of your problem]," Dr. Reichman says.

The stress of having too much to do around the house can elevate your cortisone levels, which in turn lowers testosterone production and leads to your pooped-out libido. There's an emotional component as well. "Excessive chores and not enough help from your partner create fatigue, resentment, and frustration, all of which can significantly lower your sex drive," Dr. Weil says. "Exhaustion alone can crush a relationship. Ask any woman why she doesn't have as much sex as she'd like to, and chances are, she'll tell you she's just too tired."

Drop that duster ...

So now what? That vacuum isn't going to start running itself. But chances are you can get by with a little less hoovering and dusting. Learning to let go of the things you feel you have to do is key to reenergizing. "People tend to mimic the way their parents interacted," Dr. Weil says. So if your mom and dad fit those breadwinner vs. bread-baker stereotypes, you may be going the traditional route too without realizing it. "Even in the 21st century," she adds, "there's the belief that a woman's worth is reflected in her home — regardless of whether she makes a six-figure salary, has interesting hobbies, or great relationships with her family and friends." It doesn't help that the TV is awash with commercials showing women who find bliss in a bathroom that smells like springtime.

Tackle your tortured relationship with those dust bunnies by first establishing some priorities. "Sometimes it's all about making choices," Dr. Weil says. "It's deciding, 'I'm not going to do laundry; I'm going to have sex tonight.'" If you still feel the need to clean the microwave when you could be rolling around with your spouse, one expert, psychologist and professional organizer Ronit Zweig, Psy.D., advises you to rethink your time-management skills. Right away. "Setting a schedule can help you find a happy medium," Dr. Zweig says. "Having a plan — Monday is laundry, Tuesday is vacuuming, and so on — means you're not unnecessarily repeating the same tasks. Plus, you'll know exactly when everything will be taken care of, so you won't have to obsess over what's not done."

If that seems too rigid, try this: Set a timer for 20 minutes when you start cleaning — and drop the mop the minute the alarm sounds. And if you still find yourself fluffing the living room pillows the minute you get home, Dr. Zweig suggests trying an alternative after-work ritual that relaxes you, like having a glass of wine with your guy.

Speaking of your guy: Why not hand him the Hoover once in a while? It wasn't until Stacy began trading her evening cleaning routine for the occasional salsa class or art exhibit that she realized her sexual dry spell came from too much time with the dishrag. And when she told her husband, he responded by scouring their entire apartment and making her dinner. "I was too exhausted to be romantic that night, but the next morning, we had mind-blowing sex," she recalls. "Now I often come home to a clean place — and frankly there's no bigger turn-on."

The proof is in the dishpan hands: A study from the University of Washington found that when men pitch in on chores and child care, it often puts their partners right in the mood. "When a man does the dishes, vacuums, or puts the kids to bed, it sends a signal that he cares — and it removes some of the stress of everyday life from his girlfriend or wife," says couples therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. "Both may help her regain desire."

And all you have to do is ask. Okay, maybe more than once. "You may have to remind him several times until he remembers on his own, but chances are he'll do it," Dr. Kerner says. "Most men just don't realize that a to-do list the size of Texas could lead to their partner's lack of interest in sex. It's a revelation that almost always encourages them to pick up the Swiffer."

... and slowly hand it to him

The trick is to break him in easy. "The worst thing you can do is attack him or tell him that he's the reason your sex life is on the fritz," Dr. Weil says. "Instead, bring up times where he's helped you out" — remind him how great it was when he did the laundry for you — "and then nicely mention that you would love a little more of that." If he doesn't take an immediate shine to the Clorox wipes, nudge him into it by asking him to lend you a hand — washing dishes while you dry at his side or putting fresh sheets on the bed (so you guys can mess them up again).

And remember, Dr. Weil says, "Chances are, your boyfriend or husband is just as overworked and overwhelmed as you are." In fact, his coping strategy may be the exact opposite of yours — doing less instead of doing more. So before you hit him up with a two-page, single-spaced list of new to-do's, ask how he's managing his own stress. "You may just realize," Dr. Weil says, "that the best solution isn't for either of you to do more — it's to hire a cleaning service.