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A father offers advice on what to do, and not to do, to find and happily marry the right woman.
My dear Son,
You told me you were messaging a girl and you were planning to meet somewhere at school. I wanted to ask if it was a date, but I didn’t want to embarrass you. I wanted to ask what she’s like. Is she nice? Is she smart? What type of music does she listen to? Is she like your mom?
It has been too long ago for me to remember. Was it like a switch? One minute you find girls annoying, and then all of a sudden, all you want to do is hang around them.
It seemed like only yesterday that the only girl you didn’t find annoying was your mom. When did that switch flip? When did you start liking girls?
I guess it doesn’t really matter how it happened. Or when. What’s important now is that you know what to look for, and more importantly, how to behave when you’ve found her.
I know you’re only 12. And you will likely have several girlfriends before marrying the right one. But you might as well learn from the Expert so that you don’t waste time making all the mistakes I made.
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When you were little you told mom that you wanted to marry her when you grow up. Well you know now that’s not possible. But at that time, you wanted to marry mom because she had all the qualities you want in a girl. If that’s true then you should ask ME because I’m the only one that managed to marry her. I’m the “expert,” so to speak.
I know you’re only 12. And you will likely have several girlfriends before marrying the right one. But you might as well learn from the Expert so that you don’t waste time making all the mistakes I made.
Do not get advice from your friends. Remember, “If a blind man leads a blind man, both will fall into a pit.”
So here is a list that helped me when I met your mom.
What to look for:
Look for someone that’s better than you. It’s as simple as that. Look for someone that you admire, not only for her beauty, but also for her brains, her attitude, how she treats her family and friends.
When you find someone that is better than you, you will automatically want to be a better person around her. When you strive to be a better person for her, it will also uplift you.
Nothing else matters. Her race, ethnicity, how many friends she has or how many likes she can get on Instagram. Not her social status or even her religion. None of that matters. Ask yourself this; “Does she make me want to be a better person?” If the answer is YES – then you’re with the right person at this time.
How to behave – A list of DO’S:
This will sound corny but it’s true because I’m the Expert. Chivalry is not dead. Be a gentleman. There’s the easy stuff you hear all the time; hold doors, help her carry stuff, pull out the chair for her, give her your coat when she’s cold. These are all good.
But then there are some details that seem to be lost to your generation. Like:
1) Let her order first and wait for her food to arrive before you eat.
2) Compliment her on how beautiful she looks.
3) Be respectful in front of her parents. Don’t say “Hey, how’s it going”. Say “Good morning Mr. ____.”
4) Be respectful to her parents even when they’re not around. Even if she’s angry at them, stay respectful.
5) Surprise her with something for no reason. Like flowers, not like a snapchat. However, a snapchat story on how you got those flowers might be cool.
6) Watch to make sure she gets home safely before you leave.
7) Walk on the outside of the sidewalk when you’re with her.
8) Don’t kiss and tell (come talk to me if you do not get this.)
9) Make her laugh.
And then there is the really important stuff. Like:
10) Encourage her to aim higher (do better at school, run faster at track, play harder in sports.)
11) Challenge her to try new things, new experiences that will improve her as an individual.
12) Respect her opinions and decisions at all times.
If you can do 80% of these, she’ll love you. Do 100%, she’ll love and respect you.
How to behave – A list of DON’TS:
In no particular order – just don’t do this stuff:
1) Hurtful pranks. I don’t get how anyone can play a hurtful prank on their girlfriend for a laugh. I know it’s all over YouTube and it gets a million likes. That just tells me there are at least a million people out there that won’t have a worthwhile partner. You don’t want to be one of them.
2) Bodily emissions on purpose. Just like how you wouldn’t walk up to your teacher and fart or burp in her face, don’t do that to your girl. It’s not respectful. Save that for your buddies.
3) Profanity. Don’t use any profanity directed at her, her family or friends. In front of her or behind her back. Respect.
4) Let her down. If you say you’re going to be somewhere or do something, do it. Don’t let her down intentionally. Girls like men, not little boys. And men stick to their word.
5) Stare at your phone. Don’t text, talk. If you’re with her, keep your eyes on her, not technology.
6) Lie and hide. If you make a mistake, own up to it. Change, improve, and move on. If you are practicing all these hacks, she will forgive you.
7) Shame or belittle. Similarly, she might make mistakes, forgive with sincerity. Never hold a grudge, shame or belittle her.
8) Gossip about other people. Even if she does, listen but don’t participate. Don’t tell her not to do it, just acknowledge what she is saying. She might feel annoyed initially but she will respect you for it in the long run.
Your girlfriend now might not ever be your wife, but if you follow the advice of this Expert, you will build a lifelong friendship. And perhaps the next girl you meet will be like your mom.
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.”
Love you,
Dada
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photo: iStock
This is perhaps a bit limited (I’d like to see ‘Be safe but not so safe that you’re boring’ in there somewhere) but good as far as it goes. Painful to read comments by women-hating men, who were obviously hurt badly at some point by someone and haven’t got over it yet. Guys, I suggest you DO get some help with this, and DON’T keep blaming other people for your pain. Oh, and DO try not to damage anyone else in the meantime – that will be hard to live with.
And men should do all of this because of what ? To find a woman p
over the hill past her expiration date who is tired of giving her best years to jerks and now she wants a provider ? Terrible advice, if you want women on her prime you should follow the list of the DON’TS
Be a good little servant to please you prospective new master who will steal your children and half your property and make you pay her each month for the pleasure. Terrible advice. Marriage is a terrible idea for men in western countries. Disgusting and reprehensible. MGTOW
Thank you, thank you and thank you. This is the best advice a man could give his son. It seems as though these times don’t reflect the respect a boy/man should have for a girl/woman. Just an hour before reading this advice i had an arguement with my girlfreind about making sure she’s safe when travelling and walking on the curb side when we are walking down the street. She has been feeling all this time we have been together that this is my way of trying to control her. I made it clear my respect for her would never… Read more »
This is really awesome advice. Many of them can be followed by girls as well…
She starts arguments with you for no reason to assuage her guilt for having sex with other men when she is traveling. It for her is like little breakups during which she is having sexual adventures and possibly interviewing your replacement. Sent that bitch this response. Don’t be a weak man. Dump her first. Very bad choice for a prospective mate. Not girlfriend material much less wife material. MGTOW
Well dad.. I have always thought that I was doing just fine as a lover. As I read the things to be done..I was proud that I did them all, but then I realised I also did every one of the don’t. Thanks for teaching me a lesson for life. You just made me a better person..
Whoever wrote this and the good men project you guys will always have me on your side.. I also dream of bringing a change and thank you for making me a better man than I was.
My heart really cried when i have read this article. “I married your mom, i am the expert in here so listen to me” is what gave me goose bumps. Men are unlikely to talk and are the unsual people to give their share of advices and stories of love compared to women. but this article is very well writen and means a lot so much to me as a woman who is also trying to know more the man i am together with as of the moment. When i have read this, i thougjt all that he has done… Read more »
Amazing article! 🙂
Simply great! Teen- agers love to hear it from others not from their parents. This one is very much IT!
Worthy parenting advice. From where i come its sometimes hards for parents to speak their minds. Reading this i believe my dad mights have the same thoughts however its nice to see it take words. A few Dos were all too general but “Encourage her to aim higher” and “Dont kiss and tell” are very much on point. Good read.
Do not know where this came from so do not know who to give credit to but this is a very thoughtful quote that I find fits for this article. “Husbands Love your Wives well! Your Children are watching how you treat her. You are teaching your Sons how they should treat Women and you are teaching your Daughters what they should expect from men.”
Fred
so lovely, am going to save this for future use. Because am still single
” ‘Look for someone that’s better than you.’ And with this piece of advice, you’re setting him up to be a doormat. You wouldn’t give the same advice if you had a daughter, would you?” Why wouldn’t he? Would he tell his daughter to settle for the first schlub who paid her some attention? To have endless faith in someone who said he was going to finish school/find a job/get off drugs, etc., but never actually DID anything? A successful relationship is one where neither person settles, and neither person becomes complacent with themselves first, and their relationship, second. He… Read more »
Thank you for responding to that post and breaking it down so wisely… I don’t know why I continue to allow stupid to bother me..Havinge is so on point with this post.
i like the article and for me the point where he said look for someone who is better than you it made me want to even aim higher by being a better person someone whO both my children and my husband can admire . Thank you for the article
exactly , great father have a great childs
I can see this post for what it is, and I think it’s lovely. In order to encourage a generation of mutual love and respect, we must first teach boys how to treat girls with respect. We can hold them accountable for not doing so, but that doesn’t help if they’ve never been taught otherwise. Thanks for sharing!
No, you have left out half of the solution. In order to encourage a generation of mutual love and respect, we must ALSO teach girls how to treat boys with respect.
This is a appealing post by the way. I am going to go ahead and save this article for my brother to check out later on tomorrow. Keep up the high-quality work.
Thanks for sharing.. Awesome advice 100% of it.
This article is awesome… Love it!!!
Funny. Maybe you are not aware what double standards you are setting up here. I’ll give you a hint:
Show her respect in every possible way. And if you do everything 100% right, maybe she’ll respect you too. But only if you deserve it.
And are you seriously telling a 12-year-old that he must be a man, not a boy, and how to find the mum of his future children? That is creepy.
It’s creepy to teach a boy that he should treat a girl with respect?
I think this is all great advice… and I’m a girl. I’m going to have my sons read this. Thank you!!!
“Look for someone that’s better than you.”
And with this piece of advice, you’re setting him up to be a doormat.
You wouldn’t give the same advice if you had a daughter, would you?
Interesting when you quote thins out of 1 Corinthians chapter 13 you forget one important thing in which I believe is really true love can hurt, love can reject
Love does not hurt, love does not reject. Love is a verb or a state of being. It cannot do those things. Those are feelings taken on by failed expectations. One is in no different a situation after being rejected than they were when they laid it all on the line or such and were told no. It is as if you are on a road and there is a path to the side with a locked gate. Though the path is locked, and you cannot go that way, you are still on the road or you can choose the… Read more »