One of the most frustrating parts of a breakup is reorganizing routines in your life that had taken on their own form within a relationship. Whether you dated for six months or two years, the nature of a relationship can transform a random space into “our space,” and returning to these areas in your life post-split, whether they’re physical (like your favorite ice cream shop) or emotional (like the first song you held hands to), might be painful in the immediate aftermath. But while finding a new coffee shop or binge-worthy TV show that doesn’t remind you of your ex can be easy, navigating the nonnegotiable aspects of your day, like your class schedule, or a project you signed up for when you were still a couple, can be tough, especially if your feelings about the relationship are still raw.
“When relationships end, individuals tend to go to through the stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance,” says Talkspace therapist Rachel O’Neill, Ph.D, LPCC-S. “There’s no right way to go through these stages, and it’s OK if you’re upset, even if some time has passed since the breakup.”
O’Neill says giving your feelings some space and allowing yourself to experience emotions are key when going through the sadness of a breakup but notes that this can be tricky at school.
“Be proactive in thinking about how you might feel when you see them,” she says. “What will it be like? How will you react? Having a plan in place to help deal with your feelings can help you to feel in control of your reaction.”
To help make your own plan for reentering a routine post-split, Teen Vogue spoke to O’Neill and her fellow Talkspace therapist Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-S, about what to avoid, what to jump into, and what to tell your friends to make sure ending a relationship won’t interfere with your day at school. Here are seven ways to make Monday through Friday much easier after a breakup.
Keep things moving.
If the thought of seeing your ex in the hallways brings you to a screeching halt, Catchings says, you’re not alone — and the best solution is to just walk through it.
“Seeing your ex after breaking up can be an unpleasant experience if things are still tender,” she says. “The best advice is to keep it short and respectful, unless it is necessary to clarify something to be able to move on. This might not be the moment to get emotional, and having a plan might be of help to avoid a tear or two.”
She suggests imagining a few scenarios in which you run into your ex to prepare yourself for what you might say before all the memories hit. In the moment, i.e., walking to lunch a few steps behind your ex, she also notes that there’s no shame in mentally checking out — daydreaming about being somewhere else when you’re going through heartbreak is totally acceptable.
If you get overwhelmed, let yourself feel it — just maybe not in class.
It’s painful to end a relationship, and the aftermath of a breakup can make otherwise uneventful moments feel overrun with significance. If doing your math homework reminds you of helping your ex out with geometry and you find yourself on the verge of tears, O’Neill says letting yourself deal with the intensity of the emotion is a great way to deal with it, and giving yourself a moment to check out and feel everything is no big deal. But if that wave comes when you’re in the middle of an algebra exam and can’t exactly duck out for a brief cry, she suggests grounding techniques like saying the alphabet backward or counting to 100 to distract yourself.
If you ended things, be respectful.
If you were the one to pull the plug on your relationship, O’Neill says it’s important to think about how you’d want to be treated if the tables were turned and take the necessary steps to avoid adding additional pain, whether that means keeping a new relationship off social media for a while, or keeping the private elements of your relationship to yourself, even after you’re no longer a couple. At school, it’s a good idea to stay neutral and try to assess your new roles to each other as you go.
“A respectful hi and a smile can go a long way when you encounter an ex,” says Catchings of day-to-day encounters. “If you want to be kind and make it easier on your ex, observe your ex’s body language. Let it tell you how he/she/they feel. If the body language is open, ask how things are going or compliment them by saying an article they are wearing is nice. Positive comments are a must. If you can’t find something nice to say, smile and let your ex know it was nice to see him/her/them and bounce.”
Tell your friends what you need from them.
A relationship often comes with a merger of friends, if it didn’t blossom from the same group of friends to begin with. This is great when it’s happening — who doesn’t want more friends? — but can feel stressful when you decide to split up. But the end of a couple doesn’t need to mean the end of a friend group.
“The whole idea about being team Joe or team Jane after a breakup is old news,” Catchings says. “If we have friends in common, or just need to talk to our own friends about respecting our breakup, being direct is the best way to do it. Be nice when you talk to others about ways to respect your breakup, and offer an explanation only if necessary. True friends understand and support you without asking questions that might hurt you or your ex.”
O’Neill notes that setting ground rules with your friends, like that you don’t want to hear about your ex’s new love life, can be super helpful. And you need to avoid gossiping about your ex, too — just tell your friends you still care about your ex’s feelings and don’t want to talk about them, even if you did break up.
If you still have a project to finish:
A breakup often means dividing things up, returning old mementos, and essentially creating a clear line between when you were together and when you weren’t — but none of that matters when you signed up for a science project together. Your grades shouldn’t suffer from a split, but neither should you. If you have to handle a due date well past your relationship’s expiration date, stay focused on the assignment and try to learn everything you can about the subject itself.
“It can be helpful to remember that every situation is temporary,” O’Neill says. “As uncomfortable as that science project may be to complete, it has to end eventually. Hang in there, use friend and family support, and know that even though the situation might be uncomfortable, you’ll get through it soon!”
Another trick for dealing with your less-than-ideal group project?
“Every time the sad feeling comes your way, scribble letting the feelings out and then continue with your assignment,” Catchings says.
Use your off-time for self-care.
Take time during your breakup to do things that make you happy! Spend time with family or friends, reread your favorite book from a few years ago and see what still resonates, or watch the most hilarious movie you can think of. If none of that makes you feel better, try journaling or jump into something totally different, like a new club or activity. If you’re still not over the initial pain after a month or so, reach out to friends.
“Talk to a friend and come up with a plan or code for when you start feeling sad,” Catchings says. “If you are feeling down, use the code with your friend so he/she/they know it is time to distract you, be positive, or cheer you up. Code blue might mean, ‘Help, I am thinking of my ex.’”
Ultimately, everyone’s journey after a breakup will be different, and it’s a good idea to experiment with what actually helps you feel better.
“Think about self-care as trial and error,” O’Neill says. “You might not realize that something works for you until you give it a try.”
Related: 5 Totally Normal Emotions That Everyone Goes Through When Trying to Survive a Breakup
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