_
Dear Rachel,
I got really lucky my freshman year of college and my random roommate became one of my best friends. Even when we were apart, it was like we were together because we constantly texted, talked on the phone, and sent each other songs we were listening to. Sometimes it felt like we were living the same life in two different bodies.
We kept up the same thing over the summer, but when we got back to school, everything was different. We now live on opposite sides of campus, and within a matter of weeks she landed an internship that's almost full-time and a boyfriend. She's so busy with that stuff that I feel like I have to bug her just to text me back. I used to see her multiple times a day, and now I'm lucky if I get to see her once a week.
How do I get my friend back?
Thanks,
Lonely Girl
_
Dear Lonely Girl,
A big difference between college and high school friendships is that once you've landed on campus, you get to hang out with your people all the time. You eat all your meals together. You study together. You go out together. You go to the bathroom together (just kidding). And, in your case, you even sleep side-by-side. It's basically inevitable that your lives don't feel separate anymore, because in a lot of ways, they aren't. And if (and by "if" I mean "when") that dynamic shifts, it totally sucks to be on the ground end of the seesaw of friendship.
The first step to dealing with this—which is totally the scariest and hardest—is to tell her how you feel. Do you feel lonely? Left out? Hurt? Sad? All of the above? Let her know. The more honest and open you are with her, even if it seems like you're ripping your heart out and handing it to her on a plate, the more likely she is to hear what you're saying and be open to change. (This is way more effective than sending a snappy text or sitting next to someone else at dinner with your friends. Trust me.)
Suggest how you can spend more time together: dinner every Tuesday night in the dining hall just the two of you, or coffee before you have class at the same time? Meet up or Skype for the newest episode of Girls? It could be anything, as long as it sets up a routine for "just us" time.
If she doesn't seem too keen on the idea, or commits in the moment and then ends up bailing all the time, maybe it's time to reevaluate the friendship with her. If a friendship is completely one-sided, is it a friendship at all? That doesn't mean you need to vote her off the island, but maybe it's time to explore the other fish in the sea. Join (or start!) a club, play your high school sport at the club or intermural level, or reach out to people in class that say smart things. Broadening your horizons doesn't mean she will completely disappear; but you don't want to go down on a sinking ship with only one lifeboat.
If your friendship changes or ends, try not to go to I'm-a-bad-person-what's-wrong-with-me place. This is a normal situation that happens to everyone. Really. And just like you'll probably date a bunch of people before finding "the one," the same is true for friendships. It doesn't say anything huge about you if this one doesn't work out the way you hope. It just means you're a healthy human who has close relationships.
Good luck!
Rachel
_We want to hear what's on your mind! If you have a question for Rachel, email her. Be sure to follow her on Twitter, too! _
