Smart Ways to Handle Teacher Troubles

No single incident made Kim Black of River Ridge, Louisiana, realize that all was not sunshine and warm fuzzies between her son Harrison, then 7, and his second-grade teacher. Instead, it was a constellation of things.

Harrison insisted that "the teacher doesn't like [him]," that she yelled at him frequently in class, and that she was picking on him in particular. That and the dramatic change in her son's disposition led Black to believe something was amiss. "I'd had this happy-go-lucky child, and now he's coming home crying every day as he gets off the bus," says Black, a mom of four.

What's a parent to do? Read on for signs a teacher doesn't like your child and things you can do when experiencing teacher troubles.

Signs a Teacher Doesn't Like Your Child

More often than not, the teacher not liking your child isn't the problem. Still, some parents feel like tell-tale signs a teacher doesn't like your child could include:

• The child gets in trouble a lot in school.
• The teacher routinely responds to the child's misbehavior with punishment, and there is a lack of positive reinforcement.
• The teacher doesn't communicate with the child's parents.

Of course, these signs don't always mean that the teacher doesn't like your child. Remember, you're hearing your child's experience, which is valid and important, and there could be some missing context. So, you'll have to do some digging before jumping straight to advocacy.

How to Talk to Your Child

It's hard to know what to think or do when your child comes home clearly upset—or with a specific beef like Harrison's. "You hear things like, the teacher plays favorites, we all get punished if somebody's bad, she's impatient with me, or that he's bored," says Susan Etheredge, associate professor of education and child study at Smith College.

Some of the complaints can be about social issues—for instance, there's a problem with another child, and the teacher isn't stepping in, says Etheredge, who adds that the beginning of the year is the peak time for all these concerns.

Depending on your style and whether or not your child is particularly sensitive, advising them to suck it up may be tempting. More likely, however, a part of you will want to elbow your way into the classroom and fight for your kid.

Before you react, take a step back and breathe. Then, do some detective work to get a handle on what's happening.

Play reporter

Sometimes kids will make generic claims, like "The teacher is mean to me." You want to find out what that means. Etheredge calls this "unpacking" what your child is saying. Try to get as much detail as possible.

Ask for specifics and context. For example, "What exactly did she say? What was happening in the class when she said it?" (You might want to inquire casually so your child doesn't clam up or exaggerate.)

"Mean" might mean "She makes me do my work," in which case you could explain that the teacher is trying to show the behavior you need at school. After all, some things are very reasonable under the circumstances, but they may not seem that way to a 6-year-old.

The idea is not so much to uncover "the truth" of what went down but to get a more concrete sense of what your child is experiencing.

Document the details

Tell your child that you will write down what they're saying so you can have a conversation with the teacher. (Give them a chance to elaborate on their story—it's hard for kids to remember every detail.)

Let the child understand that you, their teacher, and the principal are partners working to help make school a great experience for them, says Jan Harp Domene, a mother of three in Anaheim, California, and former president of the National Parent Teacher Association. Domene advises saying something like "I am going to talk to the teacher to find out why you feel this way" (not "why the teacher did that.")

This serves several purposes: Your child knows that you care about what's happening, that their concerns are going to be heard, but also that you're not just going to march in and "fix" a problem.

"It's your child's feelings you're dealing with. Until you talk to the teacher, you don't have the whole picture," says Domene. You might also be able to give your older kid some tools to handle the situation themselves.

Suggest options with your child, such as approaching the teacher after class and pointing out, for instance, that they don't think they get called on very often. Sometimes the teacher may not be aware of how your child feels.

How to Talk to the Teacher

Before the end of the first month of school, Black went to speak with Harrison's teacher. "I said, 'My son doesn't feel like you like him,'" recalls Black. "She was very defensive, saying, 'Of course I like him. I like all the children.'"

Black quickly explained that she wasn't accusing the teacher of doing anything wrong but was trying to make her aware that Harrison felt this way and to understand why. The teacher insisted she had no idea.

"I think that started us off on the wrong foot," says Black, noting that things deteriorated from there and that she had "opened a can of worms." Harrison grew to dislike going to school, and his grades suffered. Ultimately he was moved to a different class, but not without much angst all around.

To reduce the likelihood of making matters worse, have your ducks in a row before approaching the teacher. Then, be diplomatic in your approach.

Play the Diplomat

If you need to speak with the teacher, set up a time (not at dropoff or pickup), and go in as someone seeking help solving a problem. Using inclusive language is important, says Etheredge.

Say something like, "I'm coming to you with a problem I don't completely understand, but I'm hoping together we can best figure out Mark's concern." Here's where you explain what your child told you, using their words as often as possible.

"This de-escalates the situation," says Etheredge. You're not saying, "Mark says you do this." Instead, you're saying, "I need help understanding what's bugging Mark." Whatever you do, assume innocence all around. Your child may well have done something to annoy the teacher, who may have reacted with, well, annoyance.

"I have seen some parents absolutely assume that their child would never do anything wrong, and when you do that, the chances really dwindle for a successful school year," says Domene. "We need to realize that kids are kids and we love them, but they also can say stuff that may not be entirely true."

Be prepared for pushback

Despite your light touch, the teacher might feel criticized. Some people are sensitive, particularly beleaguered, tired, and underpaid educators who occasionally deal with parents who are a little overzealous on behalf of their kids. Do your best to reassure the teacher that you're not blaming them.

You don't want them to get defensive because then you're in a hole, and you're starting from behind, says Etheredge. If the teacher rears up, stay calm and keep repeating that you're simply trying to understand what's happening.

Be open to their perspective

Ideally, the teacher will shed light on why your child feels as they do, and you can have a mutually informative conversation that will help them teach your child most effectively. If your child says the teacher "never" calls on them, when you talk to the teacher, they might tell you that your child often knows the answers, but they're trying to give the shier kids a chance.

Or the teacher may not have done anything at all. Maybe the teacher is a grump, and your child takes it personally. Getting a firsthand taste of how the teacher communicates may illuminate the situation. Then you can talk to your child about how some people are not as smiley or are maybe less patient than the other adults in their life, but that doesn't mean they don't like them, says Domene.

A pleasant face-to-face helps in other ways: The teacher will see you as an ally and be more likely to confide in you. But if the teacher is, let's say, better suited to another line of work, you're sending them a signal that you're paying attention and are involved. If the teacher is, in fact, singling out your child, a little I'm-onto-you might be enough to get them to lay off.

Watch for red flags

While most often, these situations are about miscommunication, other times, it may involve callousness or inappropriate behavior. Juliet Goldberg*, a mom of two girls in Vancouver, British Columbia, felt that way about her daughter Sara's first-grade teacher a few years ago.

The teacher made callous comments, teased kids about sensitive issues, and told stories about her personal life in class, says Goldberg, adding, "Sara hated going to school."

Goldberg spoke with the teacher several times (something the experts advise) and volunteered in class two days a week so she could get a better sense of what was going on. When that didn't help, she escalated her concerns.

When to Escalate

No one wants to go to the principal's office, including parents. But suppose you've raised your concerns with the teacher several times and feel they aren't doing their best to resolve the problem. In that case, you have a choice: You can turn the unpleasant situation into a "sometimes life sucks, kiddo" learning opportunity for your child, or you can go over the teacher's head.

Help your child cope with it

Helping your child deal with the situation, while perhaps not as just as going over the teacher's head, might ultimately be what's best for your kid. "The truth is, most kids will do fine," says Etheredge, even if they don't like their teacher. Ask yourself, are they learning what they need to be?

This is what happened to Christine Klepacz of Bethesda, Maryland. Her tween daughter's teacher was strict and not very nurturing. To help get Alysia through the year, Klepacz told her that even though the teacher had a different personality than she was used to, she was academically challenging, and Alysia was meeting the challenge. It was a good lesson: Alysia learned she could work with all types of people.

Go to administration

But if, like Goldberg, you feel that what's going on in the classroom is turning your child off to school, by all means, speak to the principal or whoever is next on the school chain of command. Tell the principal the steps you've already taken, and "keep bringing it back to the child's perceptions," says Etheredge. Your attitude is still: We all want them to have the best year possible.

Explain how you've tried waiting and discussing it with the teacher, but what's going on is interfering with your child's education. Depending on the principal's style, they either will arrange for you to have another conversation with the teacher or will speak with the teacher themselves.

In Goldberg's case, the principal admitted to her privately that the teacher was a poor choice and promised the parents in that class that their kids would get an excellent teacher the following year, which they did.

When things reach this point, you may not exactly be the teacher's pet parent, which may cause problems for your child. But if it's something important, as in Goldberg's case, advocating for your child is more crucial than being labeled the annoying parent.

When to Play Hardball

If you suspect the teacher is taking their frustrations out on your child, especially after you speak to the principal, that's the time to make it clear to the principal, firmly and calmly, that you're not going away. Then, as a last resort, request a change of classroom. Schools are very reluctant to do that, says Etheredge, but may if a child is truly suffering and the situation is unlikely to change.

After much persistence, Harrison was ultimately moved out of his second-grade class and was much happier (and got better grades) with his new teacher. Still, Black saw a similar pattern with her second son and moved both boys to a new school.

"If you do nothing but defend your child and don't investigate the issues, you are not helping matters," Harrison says. "But if a problem is repeated year after year and you've done what you need to do with your child, you know it's the school." At this point, both her sons are thriving at their new school—and that makes all the difference in the world.