"I couldn't speak English"- Kangana Ranaut

Ya, I guess it comes from the fact that an outsider like me has nothing to lose. Generally, industry kids have their parents nagging them or expecting too much from them or wanting them to be in a certain way. In the worst scenario, I’ll be thrown out of the industry and go back to living my normal life.

We have always been told that ‘‘we have’’ to be special. While star kids are always told that they are special, so that’s the difference. Perhaps, that’s why subconsciously, I’ve tried hard to fit in. I don’t like coming late to the set because that puts me in panic mode. While a star kid will take everything for granted, come late or even give his 50th take without any qualms. We know that we need to be very, very good to last here. And even though star kids may be bad, they are thrust down the audience’s throat so much so that they want to puke them out. Yet they remain superstars. Even if they are just about okay they are superstars. In school too they receive attention for being someone’s son or daughter. They definitely don’t feel the pressure of having to prove themselves.

Ya, I thought about what it would give me as an actor. But today negative is not about being all negative. Kaya, my character, is grey. The way the character was approached was graphic and comic book-like. Kaya is fierce, fearless and sexy at the same time. She can do action and other superhuman things. So it was interesting playing the negative character.

I was 17 when I did Gangster. So I had difficulty first in understanding and then unwinding from the character. The approach was raw and immature. But now that I’m older and understand the craft better, I go through a proper method and identify with the character. It’s much easier to be that person and understand her experiences. But it takes time, something that I did for Vikas Bahl’s Queen. Disconnect with the world, be that girl, walk and talk like that girl, yet remain untouched by it.

I had it difficult. Firstly, I was an outsider. I was totally unprepared for an actress. After Gangster, a film magazine called me up to say that they wanted to put me on the cover. I asked how much they would pay me for that. The journalists began laughing and disconnected the phone. I cried the whole night. I didn’t know that you’re not supposed to ask money. I was told that you take a fee for making appearances so I thought you ask for money for an interview and magazine shoot too. Being sensitive, I was extremely hurt. I went through a trauma. Why did the girls laugh at me? Did I speak wrong English or was it my voice? I had no idea. Later, I realised that you’re not paid for such things.

Also, when you’re not prepared to be an actress, you don’t know how to behave on the set. Sometimes you end up working extra and sometimes you don’t know what to do. That’s what happens when you end up being an actress when you never wanted to be one.

Ya I gave it up. That was a dramatic moment of my life. I gave it up because I didn’t want to become a doctor. Then I got into theatre and painting and many other things...

I began my career with Anurag Basu and then Madhur Bhandarkar. I never had a humiliating experience or had directors making passes at me or passing lewd comments. Basu was my best friend. He treated me like his daughter. I couldn’t even speak proper English. Mahesh Bhatt used to call me ‘wild flower’. I was always treated well. But I had other problems. Priyanka Chopra and the other girls have trained in the Miss India contest, so they knew how to handle themselves. They were well-groomed. I wasn’t. So I couldn’t make most of the opportunities that came my way.

I didn’t understand anything. The camera would be somewhere and I would be standing somewhere else. I’d be fired, ‘What are you doing. This is the sixth day of the shoot and you don’t know where the camera is placed!’ First it was the technical things and later on it went to other things. Film business is a different business. All these girls had their parents on the sets, I had no one with me.

Absolutely! There were many good offers I lost. I lost the opportunity of working with good filmmakers because I didn’t pay attention to them or return their calls. I had no understanding of what to do and what not to. Bad company…

When you’re 17, you jump into rave parties because you want to see what happens there. You want to see how far you can go.

When a person leaves her home, she leaves to explore and not to become an actress. I could have had an awesome career as a doctor. I was a topper and had received scholarships. I was career-oriented. I wanted to add meaning to life. Even at that young age I was not keen on a 9 to 5 job. That thirst and conquest got me here. I didn’t fear anything, not even death. Any dark corner attracted me. So those were crazy years indeed!

Not anymore. I have experienced darkness. I was adventurous and went far into it. Now, I’m out of it with an understanding of darkness. As an artiste it has given me depth. It’s like a kid appreciating the taste of chocolate. But you don’t need to have a chocolate everyday. At 26, I’m like this because at 16, I was ready to dive even though I didn’t know swimming. I have evolved as an actress because of this understanding.

No. All the men have been a part of my journey. I have never lied to myself when in a relationship.

(Laughs) That sab theek ho jaayega. Everything will be okay and then one fine day I say ‘Thank God it’s over’. However, I have never been with a man with whom I felt ‘this is it now’ or been to a place where I thought, ‘this is it, I can’t explore anymore’. I have been with many people. But it’s been a process where I have grown, learnt many things and witnessed the good/bad side of relationships.

That you must never gift him anything! It changes the equation. It’s good to be a damsel in distress, who’s always broke. That keeps a man happy, ‘she is at my disposal and I’m the one giving her stuff’. The moment you prove that you can also buy them expensive gifts, they feel threatened.

We live in a weird country. It’s a bit tricky. Here some people shop for a zillion dollar dress and some don’t even get a proper meal. If you visit a slum wearing shorts they stare at your legs. But if walk into your plush building wearing a salwar kameez they wonder what’s wrong with you. This country is so confusing.

Our job is particularly demanding. It’s an insecure place. There’s no reason why you get work. Out of the blue, one morning you may get a call for work. While someone is the flavor of the season, someone else is trying to find his ground. The stress psyches you. In our business, if you give one month to something else, you will be written off. And sometimes even an established actress like me, who has given hit films, receives no phone calls. And then suddenly after six months you get a call. So it’s a strange place.

I’m not in that space right now. I have planned my life in such a way that for another four years I won’t think about marriage, a partner or kids. Glamour around an actress can be intimidating for a man. Like I remember being with my ex in Dubai for a fashion show. Being a scientist he was not used to the paparazzi. I liked that relationship because it was a normal, regular one. After the show, his face had turned red with amazement. He told me ‘God, you are so important’. For a scientist to step out of the laboratory and attend a fashion show was something unique. He had seen me doing dishes at home and now I was the diva on the ramp.

I guess this whole thing that he wants to be the ‘man’ of the house. Whereas the woman who’s powerful and successful would like someone more like her. But a powerful man will not be able to take a powerful partner. There’s too much contradiction. You get attracted to men who do exceptionally well in whatever field. But when they are with you, things turn different.

My ex didn’t know for the longest time...which is for two weeks...that I am an actor. I thought if I told him that he would ask me so many questions about my job, my shooting... If the person doesn’t know who you are, you can have a normal conversation. I like to know about their life too. He was an intelligent and sorted man. He’s still a friend. It didn’t work because he wanted to get married and I was not ready. It’s not impossible to date a normal guy. My ex did see me like an ordinary girl. He respected me. He appreciated that I came from nowhere and made it big. I like being appreciated; I don’t want to be ignored. But I don’t want to be with a fan. All the same, I don’t want to be with an arrogant man. He should be balanced.

No, it’s not. My last relationship was the most normal one. I love the fact that we are still friends and talk to each other sometimes. That shows a certain growth in my choice of men. The next relationship will be more mature than this. I am happy that he turned out to be such a nice man.

Not at all. I can’t get married.

Being a celebrity in India, you cannot date a normal guy. You are limited to dating people who are celebrities. Then there is this conflict of who the bigger star is. The equation goes for a toss. These are the technical problems.

I would want to take some more time off. I don’t feel ready for it. I feel the closest to my goals at this point of time after a long struggle. I have good movies like Krrish and Queen coming up. I have never been crazy about my career. So many people came after me and are doing better than me. But from the past one year and a half year, I am getting good work with people who are showing faith in me. I am doing one more film with Tigmanshu Dhulia. I don’t want to get distracted. Queen and Krrish will change people’s perceptions of me. I need one more year for things to change. I want to do other things in life too – like direct a film, have an organic farm, learn cooking and enjoy a relationship.

I am not a conventional actress. I am not a Miss World either. I am just an actor who can do some roles better than others. But sometimes a fool like me lets go of offers. The Dirty Picture was offered to me. Ekta Kapoor was upset with me for three months. She said we have written the script for you and you are not doing it. God knows what I was thinking then. It’s the kind of film I’d have wanted to do.

I was raw when I came in the industry. I had no idea about the right people and how to approach them. Most of the time people don’t understand the way I function. For example, I may admire a director or producer and want to work with him. But I don’t give the right signals. So people get offended with me. I do things my way. For instance, on seeing a man whom I like, I will run away. (Laughs) It’s my natural reaction. Professionally, people believe I am not keen. If they have an option of two actresses, the one who messages or calls them often will get the project. But that business strategy is wrong. You can’t be so desperate for a project.

I have done some desperate films thinking that ‘oh this good actor image is not working for me’. Also other girls are doing better than me so why don’t I also just try and look hot. Basically, that is a desperate attempt.