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Stopping a Fight Before It Starts

Always stay calm. Let your inflection and body language defuse the tension.

Never make assumptions. You're dealing with intoxicated people who have nothing better to do than act like jackasses. So be ready for everything. Even vomit.

Step 1: If two drinkers start arguing or shoving each other, stand directly between them. If you must, push them apart but don't restrain. That only leads to calls to "hold me back," and that doesn't help anything.

Step 2: Identify the more aggressive patron and direct your attention to him. Shift his focus from the other would-be fighter to yourself, even if you're not quite as big as I am. Phrases like "Take it easy" and "It's not worth it" often do trick.

Step 3: Have someone remove the less aggressive patron while you're talking. Once he's out of sight, the fight will be over before it even started.

Stopping a Full-Blown Brawl

Always get assistance. Not that you need an army — two sane people per fighter should suffice — but definitely have some friends keep the crowd back and watch for trouble. People rarely drink alone, and the lead jackass' pals might not like your interfering.

Never hit anyone. If you get slugged, don't retaliate. Your face and pride will heal. Your police record, not so much.

Step 1: If the fight is already on the ground, identify the more aggressive fighter (i.e. the one on top without his teeth missing).

Step 2: Standing behind said toothless fighter, put him in a half-nelson by sliding your right hand under his arm and up behind his head pushing forward.

Step 3: Pull his left arm behind his back. Use enough reasonable force to restrain him, but not so much that you break or dislocate a shoulder.

Step 4: Stand him up or force him to the ground, face down. Hold until he realizes he has no other options. Try not to use your knee or do anything that can leave a physical bruise. Because the good guy doesn't deserve to get sued, but he could.

Step 5: Once he's calmed down — or sobered up, though ideally both — let go of the main fighter but remain between him and his counterpart. Then make them leave the bar one at a time.

Step 6: Ask for a draft on the house and, because every hero deserves a prize, what time the bartender gets off her shift.

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