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How to ask someone out on a date
Ahead of Valentine's night, Dr Petra Boynton, the Telegraph's sex and relationships agony aunt, offers advice on how to pluck up the courage to ask someone out on a date
I really fancy someone but I don’t know how to tell him. He’s a friend of a friend and we meet up quite regularly. We usually talk for a while whenever we’re together and seem to have a lot in common (same taste in books, music etc). He’s single and my friend says she thinks he likes me but I don’t know if I can ask him out – or what to say.
What’s stopping you asking someone out?
If you’re hesitant about asking someone out it’s worth asking yourself why. Can you list all the good things you’re hoping might happen if you ask this person out, and what you are afraid may go wrong?
Becoming ‘date ready’
The following books can help you feel able to ask someone out and enjoy dating and relationships.
And this guide by me on preparing for dating
If you feel you wouldn’t cope with rejection it may be better to avoid asking someone out until you feel stronger. Counselling might help in this case. Ensuring you’ve friends or family to support you whatever the outcome can also be reassuring.
Find out about the person you like
For example are they single? (In this case you know he is). Are they looking for a relationship? And are there things you may have in common you could begin an introductory conversation about? (Another yes in your case).
Knowing this gives no guarantees a person will say yes, but it could help you avoid wasting time on someone likely to turn you down.
Telling someone you like them
You can ask someone out in person – or with a card, letter, text, email. Justin Hancock has some great ideas for you.
What to say?
Tell them that you enjoy their company and would like to see more of them. Invite them to something at a specific date and time – a walk in the park, a coffee or lunch together, or perhaps seeing a film. Do what suits your budget and feels comfortable for you. Being specific about what you’d like to do also means they need to give you a definitive answer – so you know where you stand.
What if the person says no?
Often in relationships we put great store in a particular person we fancy and fixate on them to the exclusion of all others. We might imagine all kinds of things about how wonderful they are without knowing much about them at all. This can make us too afraid to ask them out or means we go to pieces if they turn us down.
A better way is to avoid giving one particular person a lot of importance, not least if you’re deliberately delaying getting to know them. But instead spend a little time getting to know them and ask them out sooner rather than later.
If they say no it’s a shame but it doesn’t mean the end of the world, that you won’t ever meet anyone right for you or that you shouldn’t find other people to spend time with.
If you find it impossible to break from a cycle where you’re only able to think about one person and spend ages obsessing over them without taking action particularly if you struggle if they don’t feel as you do then counselling may help you identify why you feel this way.
If the person says no don’t pester them in the hope they change their mind. You may want to talk to friends or family or write about how you feel instead.
Don't avoid them
You don’t have to make major life changes, avoid the person, try and make them jealous or make them feel uncomfortable for not wanting to go out with you. It’s their choice and it’s better to respect them for being upfront with you. By the same token they shouldn’t mock or be unkind to you for asking them out, in such situations feel relieved you didn’t end up in a relationship with them.
If someone is not committing or putting you off then take this as a ‘no’. It may be they come back later with a yes (you can decide if you’re still interested). Don’t hang on for someone who isn’t enthusiastic about seeing you.
What if they say yes?
Having got the potential negatives out of the way, here’s hoping the person will say yes when you ask them out.
If they do, you have the date to look forward to (and the resources listed above may help you prepare for and enjoy this).
When you’re on the date focus on how things are going, if you like the person, if you get on well and if you’d like to see them again. It’s easy to overlook this if you’re anxious about whether they like you or staying single (if you want to be in a relationship).
It’s fine to have a few dates while you decide if you like the person or not, and to date other people at this time if you’re not making any commitment to any one person. Don’t forget contraception (particularly condoms) even if you weren’t planning on sleeping with them.
Hopefully when you ask him out he’ll say yes and your first date goes so well you’ll enjoy plans for future ones too. If not, you’re well prepared to enjoy your own company or future dates you want to go on.
Petra Boynton is a social psychologist and sex researcher working in International Health Care at University College London. Petra studies sex and relationships and is The Telegraph’s agony aunt. Follow her on Twitter @drpetra.
Email your sex and relationships queries to: agony.aunt@telegraph.co.uk
Please note Petra cannot offer individual responses or answer every single question.