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Things Women Expect From Men on First Dates

6 Things Women Expect on Dates (Plus 1 Thing They Don’t Want)

December 11, 2023

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For many people, the bulk of their socializing is with people of the same gender. This isn’t necessarily surprising (or even problematic), but it can lead to some confusion when these same people try to date heterosexually.

If you’re a cis guy and you barely interact with women in your day-to-day life, it’s no surprise that going on a date with a woman will be a bit of a different experience than hanging with your bros.

The upshot of this is that lots of guys simply have no real idea how to behave on dates, and cobble together an idea from age-old dating myths, fictional dates they’ve seen in movies and on TV, and advice they get from friends, peers and the internet.

Unsurprisingly, this often doesn’t go super well.

In order to get the lowdown on what women actually expect on dates, AskMen spoke to a dating coach, plus roughly two dozen people who go on dates with men — including a professional escort — about what they think men should be bringing to the table on a date, at a bare minimum. This is what they had to say:

What Do Women Expect on a First Date?

“Women who date men tend to expect the man to adhere to certain societal first-date norms,” says dating coach Connell Barrett, author of Dating Sucks But You Don't.

“Most women want the man to lead the proverbial dating dance,” he adds. “They expect him to ask her out, to suggest the date activity and logistics, to lead the conversation. And if and when the time is right, most women want the man to make the first romantic moves, such as giving flirtatious compliments, going for the first kiss, and leading things to sex.”

This kind of framework, Barrett notes, distinguishes hetero dating from queer dating. “The societal first-date ‘frame of expectations’ is less clear when two people of the same gender go on a date.”

However, not all women will fall into Barrett’s ‘most women’ — but in speaking to a plethora of women, as well as a handful of men and non-binary people who date men, certain patterns emerged repeatedly. The six most frequent expectations that came up were:

(An Interest In) Planning the Date

While it is possible to go overboard with micromanaging a date plan, it’s more common for guys to underwhelm in the planning department than overwhelm. Women tend to associate a willingness to plan (or suggest ideas for) the date with an indicator of a guy’s interest. A hands-off approach reads as uncaring, not open-minded.

“Help plan the date. Be on time. Be a good conversationalist. Be honest. Be respectful. Sadly, many dudes fail two-plus on Date 1.” - M, 36

“Nothing says ‘I’m a man child incapable of being a good partner’ like asking a woman to plan the first date” says Mia Lee, escort, sex worker and CFO of Petit Mort magazine.

“If you’re not sure what she’d like to do, offer two or three options and tell her you’re happy to make changes if she’d prefer to do something else,” Lee says. “The date doesn’t have to be elaborate. Just drinks is completely acceptable. But take the two minutes to at least suggest a nice cocktail lounge.”

Having Good Hygiene

While men may expect (or hope for) a conventionally physically attractive date, for women, that’s less of a concern. When it comes to body stuff, good hygiene was cited much more frequently.

“Basic hygiene! Just like, have you washed recently and do you go to the dentist every few years?” - Erin, 33

According to Lee, women “care less about your appearance than you think. Obviously, be well dressed and groomed so we know you cared enough to shower and toss on a clean shirt. But don’t assume that we’re as concerned about physical appearance as you are.”

RELATED: What to Wear on a First Date

Taking the time to shower and groom your body a little bit beforehand shows you’re treating the date with a modicum of respect, and not just rolling up expecting the person you scheduled a special hangout with to meet you more than halfway when it comes to your body odor.

Showing Up on Time

Speaking of showing some respect, arriving on time was another frequently cited expectation, and one woman specifically mentioned being communicative about your ETA if you’re running behind.

“Bare minimum: That they show up on time and actually engage in conversation by asking thoughtful questions; that they don’t look at their phone much.” - Ella, 31

Of course, traffic and engine trouble can happen to anyone, as can public transit options being delayed. But it is possible to build some buffer time into your schedule so you can arrive on time even if certain things go wrong. And it’s worth noting that for people with anxiety issues or ADHD, showing up on time to anything can be a struggle, let alone a date.

But being late — and not letting your date know what’s up — ultimately communicates a lack of care more than anything else. A few minutes is no big deal, but expecting someone else to wait by themselves for more than 10 minutes is definitely starting things off on the wrong foot.

Politeness Towards Service Workers

While the women AskMen spoke to were concerned with their dates’ politeness during their conversations with them, they were also concerned with how their dates treated the staff at the bars, restaurants and assorted establishments these dates were taking place at.

“Being on time, being nice to the staff, tipping the staff, asking questions or at least saying statements that incite or invite conversation. That’s the bare minimum. Being funny is if you want a second date.” - Daphnée, 30

It’s no secret that women often take men’s treatment of service workers as a potential proxy for what they’re like in relationships. Can’t treat the server politely? It might be a sign that you won’t be treating a future partner politely either.

Hence, treating the serving staff with respect and politeness can go a long way towards giving off a good impression. And this goes both for how you speak with them (if you speak with them), as well as whether you tip, and how much.

(Sincere Willingness To) Pay for the Date

Tipping the waitstaff, however, is far from the only financial concern involved. Questions of who pays for a date are hardly new, but the dialogue has shifted somewhat over the years.

However, while some women are open to splitting the bill, particularly if the date didn’t go very well and you’re unlikely to see each other again, not all are. At minimum, the consensus seems to be that the man should offer to pay, and that he should genuinely intend to do so as he’s offering.

“I don’t expect them to pay, but I don’t want them to tell the waiter ‘two bills.’ I need to be the one to do that!” - Donna, 29

If he meets sincere and concerted resistance on that tack, it’s unlikely that the woman he’s talking to is playing mind games with him; at that point, it’s OK to split. But otherwise, if you’re a guy — and especially if you asked the other person out — payment should be on you.

An Ability to Ask Questions

Who pays for the date was not, however, the most discussed expectation. Well over half of the 23 people interviewed for this article mentioned the quality of his conversation, with the most common specific facet being an ability to ask questions of your date.

“Ask questions. Build on what I’m saying. Look for the things we have in common. Be mindful of how much talking you’re doing. Did I mention ‘ask questions’? Show curiosity in me and my interests.” - Alex, 34

With so many people raising the same point, it suggests that men are struggling to pay much attention to the people they’re going on dates with. This isn’t a new phenomenon, sadly. In fact, AskMen published an article on this very topic approximately 4 years ago.

Want to distinguish yourself from the crowd? Simple. Spend as much time listening to your date talk as you spend talking while your date listens — and ask questions of them in order to prompt them to tell you about themselves.

…But Not Grand Gestures

“Many men mistakenly think that women want grand gestures on dates,” says Barrett. There’s a perception from some guys that “men need to spend a lot of money on lavish dinners and fancy drinks, and sweep her off her feet.”

“It’s the ‘I have to court her’ frame, and it’s very outdated,” he notes. “Not only do most women not expect this; it can make a woman lose interest because this kind of behavior can make men seem overeager or try-hard.”

There are definitely instances where turning on the courtship stuff makes sense — once you’re in a committed relationship together; if the person you’re asking out has warned you of their high standards, or if the concept of doing fancy things together is a running joke you both have together.

Otherwise, try to plan a Goldilocks date — not too fancy, not too sleazy, just right. If your idea’s off the mark but the chemistry’s right, you’ll have an opportunity to do better on the second date.

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