After two years with my smart, handsome ex-boyfriend, I felt like life had become my own personal fairy tale. However, as fairy tales often go, this one was hit with a dose of reality when I found out that my ex had lied to me throughout our entire relationship. Heartbroken, I ended things immediately. As I soon discovered, breaking up with him was easy; actually moving on with my life wasn't.
The first thing I learned? Don't punish yourself. Some of the smartest, most logical, and perceptive women I know have found themselves in a deceitful relationship. It's so easy to sit there and dwell on your mistakes (don't!). Instead, here are some of the rules I gave myself to get over my deceitful ex (MDE, we'll call him). While some are obvious, sometimes we all just need a reminder/kick in the butt to make sure we follow through on them.
1. Cut Off ALL Contact
Some people stay friends with their sweet, normal exes, but an ex who lies to you is not a friend, period. That means he shouldn't be your friend in real life OR on social media. Block his phone number (I recommend the app Blacklist). Create email rules that automatically route his emails to the trash. If you run into him unexpectedly, don't engage in conversation.
2. Quit Obsessing
In the beginning of my breakup routine, I would rehash every detail of our relationship in my mind, like, That time when he left early from a party, was he really just going home to sleep? Like a detective in a mystery novel, I was putting together pieces of a puzzle that wasn't ever going to help me in life. One day I realized that the details didn't matter, just the big picture: that he lied. Once I accepted that, I actively began to stop my mind from going to these meaningless places. Every time my mind wandered, I thought, ex-boyfriend obsessing or shoe browsing online? By choosing shoes, I also chose an anxiety-free existence.
3. Trust Yourself Again
Truth: I trusted someone else's words over my own gut. Truth: I let someone bring out the worst in me. Truth: I lived through a deceitful relationship and I know myself better now than I did before. Turn your negative feelings into positive ones and don't beat yourself up for believing someone else's lies. It happens.
4. Handle Mutual Friends With Class
I was lucky that MDE never formed real friendships with my friends, or vice versa. However, when a friend of mine broke up with a deceitful boyfriend, mutual friends were abundant. What should you do? My friend didn't ask anyone to choose sides. She didn't give details about their breakup and simply said that their relationship was beyond repair. Did she lose some of those mutual friends? Sure. But the real friends are the ones who stick around and help you through this difficult time.
5. Be Patient When You Start Dating
Sometimes it takes a while to get over a breakup. After 10 months, I'm still healing. Dating has been hard, but going slow is better than punishing new guys for the sins of my ex (read: being bitchy or aloof on dates, not trusting what they tell me, worrying they'll cheat on me). Instead of rushing things, I am focused on the fact that I know more about the things I want to find in a man now. In fact, I look for guys with traits similar to those of my friends. Big heart. Easygoing. Lives to laugh.
I hope sharing these tips helps some of you to get over being lied to in a relationship. Let me know about your experiences below!
