Joanna Schroeder explains exactly why you shouldn’t ask a woman for her number.
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Here’s the deal, guys: You can read all the dating and relationship advice you can find – and there’s a lot of good stuff out there – but there’s just one key piece of advice I have to share.
And no, I don’t know what it’s like to be a guy looking for women to date. But I do know what it’s like to be the girl that is asked out by a wide variety of guys, in a wide variety of ways.
And I want to tell you what worked. Insider scoop. Just me and you (all of you).
So here is a quick history of how I met and was asked out by some of the fellas in my past and whether it worked or whether it failed. And what I learned:
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John: When I met John, he was working in a shoe store and was just about the funniest man I’d ever known. He wasn’t a classically handsome man, but there was instant chemistry and I thought he was so cute.
When I went to leave the store, he stopped me and gave me one of the store business cards. Scrawled on it was his cell phone number. “For shoe emergencies,” he wrote. I hadn’t even bought a pair of shoes.
Outcome: Success. We dated for eight months and split up on good terms. We just had different goals.
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Adam: I was in a bar when I met Adam. He caught my eye, smiled and walked near me. Then he stood next to me but never said hello. Finally, I said hi and we chatted. His eyes kept darting around the room. Then he disappeared into the entry alcove of the bar, curled over his cell phone for ten minutes.
When he came back, he asked for my number. I thought maybe I liked him, but he made me a little uncomfortable, too. I didn’t know what to say. He looked at me until finally, under some weird pressure, I gave it to him. He called the next day.
Outcome: Failure. We never went out. His approach creeped me out and I hated that I felt pressured to give him my digits. I avoided picking up the phone for any local number I didn’t recognize.
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Dex: This guy was my secret admirer.
It’s actually kind of a romantic story. One day I received a note saying I had captured his attention during a conversation we’d recently had. He said I knew him as a customer (I worked in a men’s shop), but he didn’t want to reveal who he was. He signed the note “Dex”.
A few months later, I received a mailing tube with a bow on it at the store where I worked. A note explained that he’d seen this poster and thought of me, because of my favorite old movie. He still didn’t want me to know who he was… but would reveal in time.
I opened the tube, and it was the original movie poster for The Philadelphia Story starring Katharine Hepburn. I scanned my memory for days, trying to remember whom I’d discussed this with in the last six months… I couldn’t remember! The name “Dex” came into focus… That’s Cary Grant’s name in the film!
Outcome: Failure. I probably would’ve gone out with Dex, but the guy took too long! He finally called me at the store a few months later, if I can remember correctly. His voice seemed a little familiar, but by that time, I was already in a relationship with my husband – one that had started out fast and grown like wildfire. I had to say no to Dex’s request to finally meet in person. He was just too late.
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Ivan: Another guy I met in the store I worked at, Ivan is the guy I married. He came in the first weekend we’d opened a brand new location, and my friend Misti told me “that guy’s vibing you!” … He was. And I found him really attractive!
But he never asked me out. He just kept coming back to the store and hanging out for a few minutes, chatting with me and the women I worked with. He had asked if I was single. I was.
Finally, one day, he said that if I wanted to see the new movie we’d been discussing (Old School, it turns out), he’d love to tag along. He wrote down his name and number on a card. I put it into my pocket immediately.
I called him the next day.
We moved in together a month later.
I was pregnant (on purpose) with our oldest son three months after that.
That was more than 11 years ago.
Outcome: Success.
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These are just a few illustrations of the ways things can go right and go wrong when you’re asking out a woman.
But one thing remains true, for me at least.
You’ve got to give a woman your number. And don’t ask for hers.
Of course, if she offers her number without you asking… well, that’s just all the better!
Asking for hers puts her in the position of having to say “yes” or “no” and she might not want to hurt your feelings. If you give her your number, yes, you run the risk of her not calling. But isn’t that better than getting her number by pressuring her, and then wondering if she’s wishing you’d never called her?
But don’t wait too long after getting to know her…
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Also read: 5 Ways Men Are Wrong About What Women Want
photo: flickr/Andrey Maximov
Alec need somebody call me
I prefer a woman who can pursue me (a guy), and I need to know if she really is interested in me after I communicate my interest in her. To accomplish these goals without putting her on the spot, I give her my number. Women who like to be pursued instead will not like this approach; but, then they are not compatible with me anyway. It comes down to personal values and finding someone whose values fit with yours. Dating is about finding your match, not about changing who you are to match with someone else. No one has a… Read more »
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I don’t get this. As a woman, I WANT a guy to ask me for my number if he is interested. I don’t know what to do with his number if he gives me his. I want to be pursued and to me, him giving me his number puts me in the seat of the pursuer…which is right where I don’t want to be. Plus, I just miss the days of common courtesy when people communicated and asked politely for what they want. That way there is no confusion or misunderstanding. Also, in my opinion, its more romantic when a… Read more »
Hi I’m markal I’ll like to get to know u if that’s OK with u 817 569 0848
I respect that. Another view is mine: As a woman, I would far rather have a guy give me his number than ask for mine. I *do* know what to do with a guy’s number if he gives it to me. If a guy gives me his number, that’s pursuing. He’s pursuing. He’s very specifically putting himself out there. I don’t consider it rude. I consider it a particularly courteous gesture in a time when women have to consider their safety at all times. It’s thoughtful and shows an awareness of women’s lives and situation. When a guy asks for… Read more »
Well as a guy I think it can both a pursue move or a non pursue move
So if half the girls want you to give them your number and the other half want you to ask them for theirs, how do you determine which one to do lol? And why should a girl feel pressured? Your insecurities are making you miss out on geniun guys like myself. All it takes is one date from the right guy and you might find a husband. But yall turn down every guy in site because you think we just want in your pants. Heres a scoop on guys. If we ask for number, 9/10 we want more then your… Read more »
You could just ask the girl. “Hey I’d love to get to know you better could I have your number or if you feel more comfortable I can give you mine.” This covers both types of women.
Your the shit Laura, why I can’t all women think like you…
I don’t get why so many people make this so complicated. Why can’t you just set up a date first, and then exchange numbers or e-mail addresses?
But, yeah, I don’t have a problem giving a woman my number. If she is interested, she will naturally give me hers. If she doesn’t, she is either not interested or she wants to play it safe.
I discovered it one day: giving your number, I must admit it changed everything.
I think part of the reason why a guy might want an immediate response is time. If I know a woman isn’t interested, I could ask someone else. You may have to ask 10 women for dates before you get a yes. If I did hand out 10 cards, what happens if I get 5 call backs?
John
I do not understand.
Why not talk with a woman,and give her a chance to ge to know you better, instead of just asking for her number ?
Has it ever occured to you that may be why women do not give you their number?
Why let a total stranger come that close that fast? Give the number to the wrong person means trouble .
And yes, If five women call you back then what?
Suddenly you are in a situation women face often. There are more than offer…..
Typo
More than one offer…
@ Silke I’ve given my number t women before. When I was interested and they asked. The difference there is that I know they were interested. I could say OK she’s interested I won’t accept any other offers because I’m interested and I want to give her an honest chance. You can’t do that when you give your number to someone who you only hope is interested in you. When I ask for a woman’s number. I’m letting her know I’m interested and I’m going to give her an honest chance. When she provides it, I’m assuming that she’s interested… Read more »
@Silke, “Why not talk with a woman,and give her a chance to ge to know you better, instead of just asking for her number ?” Great advice! This is how I engage women…I must get to know her as a person. I spent 2 hours talking to a woman in a Whole Foods store. The conversation started when she asked me to get a product that was too high up on the shelf for her to reach…then we began to talk about healthy eating and how lousy the American diet is….we found each other stimulating. She was of average attractiveness… Read more »
The advice of giving a woman you’re interesting in going out with your phone number instead of asking for hers goes counter to pretty muich every other dating advice that I have heard. Not saying it’s right or wrong, but the fact that your advising it is just more evidence that no one knows a damn thing about dating now days and we’re all pretty much clueless.
Joanna, I enjoyed the debate after you article.
Now I wonder if the editors on GMP would like to write something about dating in different parts of the world.
Below is a video of how a Canadian man see Norwegian dating.
I disagree with him that most people meet in a bar but the rest is often the truth ( but not always of course!)
I do not see the Norwegian way to be the best…….
We do NOT go on dates to get to know strangers like people in the US.
http://www.nrk.no/trondelag/laerer-utlendinger-a-forsta-nordmenn-1.12305990
Or realize that the only way to win is not to play the game at all. Don’t do things just because “you are the man.”
@ Archy I don’t think the advice boosts mens chances. I think only women who are interested already will call you or give you her number. I doubt women who think you’re a creep or unsafe will suddenly feel that you’re safe because you gave her your number except in the rarest cases. Having said that though, it does seem to be beneficial to women. I’m not sure it’s detrimental to men. What do you guys think? Is it that much worse to hope for 3 or 4 days before realizing you were rejected rather than being rejected outright? If… Read more »
@John Gottman Anderson You know John, I am going to have to agree with Joanna here. Here is why…Most men are going to get turned down by most women, period. So, to me I think it is better to just give her your number. If she calls you? Great! If not, then on to the next woman. If the majority of women do not feel comfortable calling a guy, even if interested then her advice is pointless. I think this is what Bryan Reeves was stating. I think most women today still like to be pursued by the few men… Read more »
@ Jules Joanna’s premise was that women will more likely call you because they have control so are more comfortable. Women already have the option to ask men out. They just don’t. I think we can all agree on that. I don’t see a problem with the request (I see it less like advice because I don’t think it will make a difference). What would the parameters be though? Do I hand out one card every three days if I don’t get a call back? If I hand out multiple cards and receive 2 or 3 call backs, do I… Read more »
I don’t agree with Joanna’s premise. I think it would actually be better to ask what a woman is more comfortable with. “Hey I’d love to get to know you more could I have your number or I could give you mine if you prefer.” This gives her an out while making you look considerate and leading. Win win for everyone.
Yeah it’s great, you’ll get more masculine women who like to take the lead. It works great if you are more of a passive man who likes to follow.
Nice anecdotes Johanna. How many numbers have you been given that you didn’t bother calling? All else being equal, how many women do you think an ‘average’ guy would have to give his number to in order to get one call?
“……how many women do you think an ‘average’ guy would have to give his number to in order to get one call?”
Probably equal to the same number of women the average guy has to contact on a typical online dating site to get a reply? Just guessing. I bet I am not far off the mark.
Over 100 on dating sites, and 500+ on tinder so far contacted, no success lol. Made worse being in a town with more males than females too.
It’s been so long since I’ve had any success that I am starting to wish I had the money to afford the legal brothel.
Why does it matter, PrairieDog?
If I didn’t call those guys, I certainly never would’ve gone out with them anyway. The only difference would’ve been them calling me and me saying, “You know, I’m not interested” or, worse, lying about having a boyfriend when a guy like that doesn’t get that “I’m not interested” doesn’t mean, “Please pursue me harder.”
I don’t know that it matters any more or less than the other things about your life that you shared in your article. You obviously think it SHOULDN’T matter, or you wouldn’t be so reluctant to share that with us as well.
Tricky one. I’d say this is great advice for guys who still don’t yet know how to fully respect and cherish a woman. Although such guys are hardly self-selecting. I know a lot of strong independent women do like to be in control of the initial contact experience, in which case this would be a good strategy. However, I also hear from women (many of whom I work with in relationship coaching) who don’t want that kind of control, who are much more impressed when a man – of course, one they intuitively feel safe with – takes initiative to… Read more »
Let’s be honest about what we’re respecting here. I fully respect that women, whether they recognize it or not, control most satisfying sexual interactions–by which I mean open and enthusiastic. They set that bar higher, they’re in control. That’s, in general a fact of life. Better to acknowledge it and learn to live with it.
Honestly, though. I have a hard time respecting someone who’s afraid to risk rejection, herself. Playing the hand you’re dealt is one thing. Asking for a pat on the back because you’re dealt four aces and a vagina is something else.
I don’t understand those women – the ones who want a man to risk making other women uncomfortable just so they can have the “authentic 1950s dating experience” of a guy “taking control”… I think it’s WAY braver for a guy to hand over his digits and risk her not calling than to say “Hey, can I have your number?” and risk making her uncomfortable so he can have a little security.
What some of you see as “brave” I see as careless of another person’s comfort levels.
I think it makes YOU uncomfortable but the women who are more tradition feel perfectly okay turning down someone or just texting later we aren’t interested.
I think better advice would be to have the guy ask what makes the woman feel more comfortable rather than assume,
“Hey, I’d love to get to know you more would you mind giving me your number or would you feel more comfortable if I gave you mine.” I think this would be a win win for everyone.
@Bryan Reeves Yes. This.
Please girl text me at 3605169168
“Asking for hers puts her in the position of having to say “yes” or “no” and she might not want to hurt your feelings. If you give her your number, yes, you run the risk of her not calling. But isn’t that better than getting her number by pressuring her, and then wondering if she’s wishing you’d never called her? But don’t wait too long after getting to know her…” Honestly, is it really a good idea to be pandering to insecurities like this, instead of encouraging women to overcome this anxiety? Already the man is taking on the risk… Read more »
Expecting women to risk rejection? Might as well ask the sun to rise in the West and set in the East.
Couldn’t agree more.
Haha Some do, but not enough are taking up the challenge.
Archy I think the man Joanna married did the right thing , He did not ask her out or gave her his number the first time they met.
Maybe he sensed who she was, or maybe he was so relaxed about the whole thing that he acted like Europeans do. We do not ask strangers out or ask for a stranges number,we wait and meet again.He came back. He made her feel safe.
To make a woman feel safe is a wise thing to do instead of trying to teaching them to be braver with men.
I’m all for treating women as equals in all situations. It seems bizzare to me not to do so. We’re all autonomous beings and deserve to be seen and treated as suck.
But, maybe that’s idealism? It makes sense in my mind. But, what you say makes sense in my experience. It’s wiser to make them feel safe than to ask them to be brave.
And it drives me crazy. It feels insulting to women to treat them the way you suggest. It seems patronizing and disrespectful. But, you’re right, it works.
Problem is you may not meet again. I have messed up by not asking for someones number or contact details, even just for friendship. I often travel to the nearby town/citywannabe with around 150,000 people in it and chances are you won’t randomly meet them again. I’ve been at parties there where I’ve had hours n hours of conversation with someone I just met yet never saw again and it really sucks to lose out on someone so easy to talk to in my life.
Yes Archy, I know what you mean.
Maybe we all should wear cards with our phone number,skype.IM, e-mail address……
The next time this happens to you , you can hand her your card when the evening is over,with words like “In case you would like to talk more..”
Ask Joanna !
In my country the single people that look for a partner now wear green hats when they walk in the mountains .It makes us smile but it is good idea ,sometimes to give out a clear signal that you are free and look for romance.
http://www.dagbladet.no/2014/07/22/tema/reise/fjellvett/den_norske_turistforening/fjellsjekking/34455219/
I guess the correct word is not “hat”.
Yeah these days I just offer a number or facebook details but it’s been a while since I’ve met new women.
That’s a pretty cool idea with the hats. I’ve learned to look for a ring on the finger to spot married women/to avoid approaching for dating. Doesn’t work for the non-married or engaged ones though so it’s a bit hit n miss.
Archy,maybe you have given up online dating.
How about showing us your profile,and see if we can rewrite it and then you make one more try?
I’d rather keep my online Archy name separate to my real one. Too many stalkers n creepy people out there!
Archy, all I can say is that are taught to be “nice” and that makes it difficult for many of us to do anything that feels “mean.” And rejecting someone often feels mean. I personally hate having to reject someone. It’s very upsetting to me to feel like I’m hurting another person’s feelings.
Yeah that was what I was getting at. I hate that women are taught to be “nice” and it makes it harder to be honest. Sadly it helps lead to mixed signals, being led on for the guy since she didn’t reject him and it’s not her fault really but society for the shitty values instilled in us all from birth. Even as a guy I hate having to reject someone, I wish I could hand out rainbows n candy happiness but sadly I don’t always share someone else’s feelings and it’s a horrible feeling. That must feel compounded in… Read more »
Archy, I think the person who wants to do the asking out should give the other their number. I don’t care if it’s a woman or a man. And NO, I don’t think it’s pandering to women’s fears. I think it’s creating a scenario in which one person decides to make another person less uncomfortable, but can have the exact same outcome (two people going on a date or falling in love, etc). I think it’s ridiculous to act like I’m trying to protect women’s fears with this. I’m creating a situation in which we are making people feel less… Read more »
It should be upsetting that still you talk about someone feeling pressured into a choice they don’t want to make. If she can’t be honest when asked out, asked for her number then giving her his number isn’t going to help. Why is she feeling pressured in the first place if it isn’t from a place of fear to truly speak her mind? Why is she uncomfy or he uncomfy if they have to decide whether to reply with their real number? Don’t you find it ridiculous and upsetting that someone feels pressured so much in being asked for their… Read more »
Good thing i realize i only live once, go after what i desire, and don’t have these unessassary problems
You know another option would be if the guy asks what makes the woman more comfortable rather than assuming.
“Hey I’d love to get to know you more could I have your number or if you’re more comfortable I can give you mine”
Gives the lady an out and is a leading move. Win win.
The best advice you have ever given a man.
My teenage son talks to girls on the phone all the time— there is value having friends who are girls (the “friend zone” gets you used to them….they can be “wing girls”)….it takes time to get to know people…weird just asking a total stranger for a number…
I’ve given my number to women before and received theirs in turn. It’s like that old grifter technique. Earn trust by giving it (or appearing to in the case of the grifter). I will share an interesting story. I went clubbing with a couple friends. While we were headed to the club, I received a call from a woman. I knew it was the wrong number so told her sorry you have the wrong number. She didn’t believe me. She asked me where I was going. I told her and she said that sounded like a good idea. I said… Read more »
Or you end up like that guy in the TV commercial I just saw. He asks a beautiful woman for her phone number. “Sure” she purrs and gives him a phone #. You see the look of excitement as he calls the next day only to hear a man answer “Sal’s Pizza”. Then he plays the number at the lottery , I guess to change his luck?
I get hell alot of these calls from so many male customers asking for Suzie, Vanessa, Dixie, Melissa…. It’s annoying, and it wastes a lot of our time at the pizza store, we’re trying to make a living, and every moment is precious in our busy operation. So to the ladies who read bobbit’s post and think it’s a good trick to brush off male prospects from their lives, then please do not give a number of a pizza store : (
Hmmm… touchy subject here Joanna, but here are my thoughts, from a guy’s point of view: I think it’s important that men take the first step in asking for a lady’s contact. I didn’t say number, because personally I’ve found email or Facebook is a lot better. For some reason, people get a little awkward if you ask their number too quickly. But why is it important? Because I think there’s something special in that moment of risking rejection. It’s not easy for a man to do, but I think we should all do it. Yes, there are definitely great… Read more »
I think for a guy that little special moment of silence might actually equal that little special moment of complete discomfort for a woman.Not all women, but some women. I don’t quite get why it’s worth risking making anybody – woman or man – feel put on the spot to share personal information.
Sounds like overall good advice.
Simple, succint and to the point.
Thank you Joanna.
SECONDED! Women feel much better when the power is in their hands, and they’re more likely to open themselves up if they don’t feel that vulnerability of being asked for their numbers. In fact, almost every successful relationship or even date I’ve had began with ME approaching THEM and giving them MY number, like “hey, I think you’re cute and awesome, call me if you’re interested.” So I think it works well for guys too, plus with that approach, the power was still in my hands. No strangers coming up and asking for my phone number, and me having to… Read more »