Welcome to "Ask a Sex Educator," a weekly series where renowned sex educator Lena Solow will be answering all of your questions about the tough stuff — sexuality, gender, bodies, STDs, pregnancy, consent, pleasure, and more.
How can I be good at kissing?
I remember googling when I was younger, and let me tell you — there is some BAD kissing advice out there. In fact, there is a lot of bad advice about all kinds of sexual activities out there. That’s because so much advice reads like an instruction manual (step one — open mouth, step two — insert tongue, and so on). And, newsflash: people are not objects! You can’t just follow the same list of instructions for every single person.
With kissing, as with all sexual activities, the key is to pay attention to your partner, try different ways of exploring each other’s bodies, and let someone know if you want things to be different.
Since there are so many kissing myths out there, today I’m busting some of my least favorites.
Myth #1: More tongue is better.
OK, I know I said there were no hard-and-fast rules on what makes a good kisser and that everyone is different. And that’s totally true! BUT if there were going to be one rule it would be this — don’t go zero to full tongue! Seriously. Don’t do it. You are not a fish and your partner’s face is not fish food. Tongues can be a good thing but take it easy; try a little bit at a time before you go shoving the whole thing in your partner’s mouth. There are so many different ways to use your lips and tongue, you can kiss other parts of their face, change the speed, you could put your hands on their waist or in their hair — explore all of that!
Myth #2: Kissing is just a way to initiate sex.
Nope. Sorry. That’s not how sex works. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! Making out is fun and great on its own and doesn't have to be followed by other sexual activity. Kissing someone doesn’t mean you get to expect anything else sexual from them, and it doesn't mean you consented to something else. If you're kissing someone and you want to grab their butt or take off your shirt, ask them,“Can I grab your butt?” or “Do you want to take off my shirt?” You can enjoy kissing as its own activity.
Myth #3: The best kisses happen by surprise.
This is a big, big lie! Taking someone by surprise with a kiss is at best rude and at worst assault. I'm not saying you can't have a romantic surprise, but think about a surprise party — it’s exciting to have people plan something special for you. It’s NOT exciting to have someone shove birthday cake in your mouth when you don’t expect it. That’s what it can feel like to be surprised with a kiss. Unless you are a psychic (in which case, congratulations!) you actually can’t just guess the right moment to kiss someone. Definitely pay attention to body language — both before and after kissing you want someone to be responding with their whole body. It’s smart (and cute) to ask. Try something like, “I've had such a fun night and I'd really like to kiss you, would that be ok?” Or, “Wanna make out?”
Myth #4: If you’re meant to be, your first kiss will cause fireworks.
Alright everyone. This is not a romantic comedy. Nobody is a knight in shining armor. There will probably be no violin music or explosions when your first kiss happens. In fact, you might bump noses or teeth! (If your noses are smushing together, just tilt your head to one side. Bam! Kiss away.) Now of course if you're totally hating kissing someone by all means don't keep doing it! But sexual activity is all about learning what you each like. If you're not enjoying something, pause and let the person know (“Hey, can we slow down a little? Like this…”). Sometimes you just don’t have chemistry, but sometimes it’s just a little awkward at first to figure things out about each other’s bodies.
So instead of spending your time reading "Top Ten Best Ways Every Girl Must Kiss Or Else You Will Die Alone," try spending some time getting to know and feel comfortable with the person you’re kissing, and practicing speaking up if you want things to change. Happy kissing!
Related: If I Have Oral Sex, Am I Still a Virgin?
