Some people have a knack of drawing attention to themselves. In much the same way, others have a knack of drawing attention away from themselves. You probably know someone like this but can't bring them to mind.
In conversation it's easy to become virtually invisible. You can't just stay silent, otherwise people will notice how rude or shy you are. Instead a mixture of "Fair enough", "I can't argue with that" and "Well, this is it" will keep you immune from attention.
The truly inconspicuous aren't just low-impact in conversation when they're present, however. They also play virtually no part in conversation when they're absent. If you really don't want to be talked about, then all you have to do is be unswervingly nice. This will leave absolutely nothing whatsoever to say about you.
Hairstyles are important for the inconspicuous. Or rather, it's important not to have a recognisable style. For men the hairy neck look is good, while with women anything that looks halfway between styles or colours is good. In both cases, what the look says is, "I'm not worth it."
For those who want to have a minimum impact socially, what you wear needs careful choosing. The basic rule is never to dress in a colour that isn't also used in camouflage. Fashion goes through five phases: catwalk, boutique, high street, discount warehouse, jumble sale. The inconspicuous make their fashion move just as it arrives in the discount warehouse. Waiting for the jumble sale runs the risk of being inadvertently trendy.
The inconspicuous look as though they're wearing glasses even though they're not. That's because their natural focal length falls about 2ft short of whatever they're looking at. Whatever the reverse of laser surgery is, they've had it.
The terminally inconspicuous always follow the two-thirds rule. They are neither at the back nor at the front of anything. Neither are they in the middle, in case the middle suddenly turns into the central place to be. Instead they are nestled safely in front of the back or in back of the front.
· Never Hit A Jellyfish With A Spade, a collection of Guy Browning's How To ... columns, is published by Guardian Books at £9.99. To order a copy with free p&p, call 0870 836 0749.