A Mirrored Lens: Reframing the Face of “Evil.”

Most articles on narcissism are written from the perspective of an abuse survivor, and understandably, focus on the dangerous behavior that can be a result of this personality. This is not an attempt to diminish those claims, because they are largely true. But, what would a truthful perspective look like from a narcissist themselves, or those pioneers working in the field trying specifically to help them to help themselves?

Someone who is narcissistic will see things much differently than someone without this personality might. Not all narcissists have a destiny to be abusers. Many people that have higher levels of narcissism will see problems because of it, and there’s not a lot out there to help them learn — but some have managed to figure it out.

They will see most everything in their life from a cost-benefit analytical type position, which alters both their perception of others and also themselves.

Similar to compartmentalization, someone with this personality type will likely have been affected at an early age by trauma. Everything in the mind remains separated, being difficult to integrate especially in complex relationships, and this usually manifests in an dismissive-avoidant style of dysfunction. While it is not likely that a personality disorder such as this will change, there are possible differences in outcomes depending on a person’s ability utilize their knowledge to mitigate problematic behaviors.

After all, many parts of the behavior that makes a narcissist abusive is done through deliberate action. However, it is also true that some of these deliberate actions could be coming from unrecognized sources within their personality. Not all narcissists are also psychopathic, and both can exist separately and exist on a variable degree scale of severity.

So, while it is not possible for a narcissist to rid themselves of their own disorder, they may be able to control some behaviors better with intentional mindset and establish personal relationships that aren’t abusive.

Remember, if someone constantly hears that they are “evil,” they are more likely to believe this stigmatization and begin acting that out in self-fulfilling prophecy. This might be very true in the world we currently live, where many sources of media discuss topics of self-help.

If we want to address change within the culture of violence we are currently seeing, we have to think with a more innovative approach. Here are the main components that are within the programming of a narcissistic mind…that aren’t always necessarily “dark.”

Objects — Including People.

Narcissists are lacking in compassionate empathy, but are not completely devoid of cognitive empathy — which means they understand that they are supposed to feel love for certain people, but cannot do so in the same way someone else would. This can sometimes bring about a fascination — some may call it “obsession” — with certain objects or even people that usually remain compartmentalized. In terms of how abuse victims see this, it is often referred to as “narcissistic supply.” Their perspective on this may require more conscious effort to tend to the emotions of the other person in their relationship.

This creates many divides and misunderstandings with others who exist on the opposite end of this spectrum. They can, and do, care for other things and people, according to their purpose, which exists in the mind of the narcissist — and may be a very different perspective from what the other person sees themselves as being. Relationships require mutual understanding, which is something that usually doesn’t happen well for a narcissist, leaving other people confused and caught in cognitive dissonance.

If someone has this component of their personality, it is likely that they are also a technical minded person, or that they are more apt to pursue logic-oriented careers that require skill and expertise. They will like “shiny” things, like touching or looking, or otherwise interaction with them, which feeds also into the next component, which is stimulation.

Stimulation.

The need for thrills and stimulation often arise as a core characteristic of psychopathy when paired with a lack of empathy. However, this type of need is not necessarily uncommon in varying degrees — many others might have this need or inclination (or lack thereof) such as those with BPD borderline personality disorder, those on the spectrum of autism, or people with ADHD.

The key difference when it comes to stimulation with narcissism is that the behaviors that are being engaged in can be entirely selfish, and to others who are very empathetic, even seem cruel. Actually, many times these behaviors are indeed cruel, especially when it is happening in a cycle of abuse and is being used as part of the “reward” cycle in the mind of the abuser.

This need could be met in more productive ways, like extreme sports, travel adventures, and something that could be incorporated into every day life as an alternative routine, such as boxing or even painting. Physical activity can be very stress relieving, and this is very important for narcissistic personalities — who are often overwhelmed by stress in comparison to other feelings.

In a sport like boxing, you can get another person to gear up and practice on their hands. Buying your own punching bag isn’t too pricy, either. For people who feel the need to get physical when it comes to anger, this exercise may help to extinguish displacement of destructive emotions that would otherwise be placed on a different object.

Guidance and Learning.

Without help and understanding, a narcissist can feel they are falling apart. Many will seek counsel or advice from others often, sometimes using the thoughts of other people entirely to navigate their own life. Sometimes, they will use this very knowledge to turn around and bite the hand that fed it to them. The pursuit of acquisition of knowledge itself stems from a genuine sense of curiosity, and it allows them to avoid feeling and thinking about their internalized self, which is very hard for them to clearly do.

While it might be perceived to provide an added boost of “trust” between each person, sharing is often done only to obtain knowledge and satisfy curiosity.

At most times narcissists are not sincerely invested in the thoughts, interests, and feelings of other people — this really isn’t something personal, they are just preoccupied with themselves and aren’t able to relate well with others in an empathetic way. It can seem that the person providing that guidance was truly “used,” even if the narcissist did not intend to insult the other party in the process of acquisition.

Someone who is struggling with this might add in more reciprocity — if you know you want to learn something from someone, be sure to bring something of value to the table for equitable exchange before asking for help. When speaking with others, you might emphasize your curiosity and openness to learning as the reason for asking to begin with, to let the other person know why before leaving them to feel “stripped.”

Drive and Achievement.

Narcissists are often highly motivated by achievement — that is, they seek things out they see as being rewarding. If there is no reward to be had with something that has caught their fancy, they will create a reward in their mind to associate with it. When someone who is a narcissist sets their eye on something, often they will not cease until they’ve accomplished what they want with that thing.

This is also something that is increased as the level of psychopathy increases in the individual, which can sometimes result in exaggerated levels of competition that most others would perceive to be non-existent or counterproductive. With cases of abuse, this can lead to extreme competition with style of conflict resolution being sought — which is eventually escalated into destruction stemming from frustration and rage.

They ask the question, “does this have a use to me?”

If the answer is no, they can quickly discard that thing from their mind and move on to something else to fill that occupied space.

A narcissist who is seeking to get along better with other people might refrain from associating this thought process with people who are then objectified, and

instead ask, “what need does this fulfill for me right now?”

By replacing this yes or no question, it requires the narcissist to open-endedly reflect on their innermost thoughts and feelings, which they largely avoid or are incapable of at times doing. This changes the external focus on the objectified person being considered as an object to the internal focus of objective need from said thing. This might be a useful tool for abuse victims who are dealing with remnants of their abuser’s tactics as well.

A separate protocol could then be established with how to better deal with that need. For example, It could turn this thought of “He’s cooking for me, so he is useful.” to “I am very hungry, so I am in need of my partner as a useful way to obtain a meal.” This doesn’t make the behavioral association itself any better, but with added steps it could turn into, “I am very hungry, so I am in need of my partner as a useful way to obtain a meal — but because my partner isn’t feeling well, I will cook for myself today as a long-term benefit to myself and our relationship. ” This reframing would likely work with some people with NPD, as they are not typically impulsive and often have no problem delaying gratification.

Attention.

Likely this one is by far the defining characteristic of what people often think of a narcissist as being. They many times do not appear “needy” outwardly most of the time to those who are close to them, but deep down they have a lot of expectations and requirements — both for themselves and other people. One of those needs is often attention, which includes praise and reputation. It may seem as though this is a high priority to the person, but they may also just fear negative attention or rejection so seek to avoid that consequence.

Could this come from being punished too much as a child? This is very similar to the situation of being a codependent person, which often narcissists also can end up being in their own way. The need for attention can certainly be reprogrammed in most cases, which mostly has to do with repositioning how they are seeking validation. Attention is really just a tool people use to enhance their own self image and create definitions of themselves.

Another way that is often used to obtain this attention, especially in an abusive power dynamic, is when a narcissistic personality type takes on the role of “caregiver” in order to fulfill this need in a way that harms the targeted person. They might use a combination of gaslighting and the silent treatment to coerce others into fulfilling their will — and remember, they define people as “objects,” so it can be exceptionally dehumanizing.

Many do not seek help, and most programs to help narcissistic abusers recover do not work well. A new approach could be warranted for someone who has recognized this personality within themselves and seeks change.

It seems many in the field have given up on the notion that a disordered personality type can “change.” This is mostly true — however, it has led to many abandoning the cause or continuing to research better methods. Could this also be contributing to the ongoing problem of abusers giving up on themselves, too?

People who see no other valid way out will in many cases feel helpless, and may eventually abandon themselves as a lost cause. This could also be one reason that, like many other types of mental related disorders, they consider or partake in suicide — or self-destructive behaviors that combine a need for stimulation with objects, like substance misuse and sex addiction.

For now, it may be the best solution, if any, to these problems to intentionally re-route the targets of personal needs.

In other words, in cases of narcissistic abuse, the abuser may have “mistakenly” targeted their loved one as a victim, and although their actions are deliberate, they may not know of any other way to deal with themselves by other means because of learned behavior. This can especially be true of someone who has recognized that they were abused by someone else, and is ready or has already set boundaries with their own abuser.

This is not ever an excuse for abuse, and the victim of said abuse should NOT carry the dangerous hope for their abuser to change.

This is not something that can be taught from within an abusive relationship. I repeat: do not attempt this at home if you are trying to “fix” your abuser: it doesn’t work that way.

A narcissist can only make that decision for themselves, and an abuse victim should never feel it is their responsibility to rehabilitate their partner.

However, the best time to implement such change from a narcissist’s perspective might be when one has been “stripped” of their mask, as this is where motivation changes — and you can choose to spiral downward in self-loathing or rise above the way you have coped before.

when you are left with only the nothingness behind the mask, seek out new paths forward from the darkness.

These strategies may work for anyone looking to genuinely try a new approach for themselves for narcissistic traits, and these tactics might be useful even to someone who hasn’t yet entirely succumbed to violence and is still trying to live free from it.

These ideas are original and my own work in attempts to develop better strategies for treatment of NPD.