How To Deal With Sneaky Manipulative People

Manipulative people are those who disguise their interests as your interests.

These people will do their best to manipulate you into believing that their opinions are objective facts. They’ll tell you that the entire office thinks you’re arrogant, crazy, or incompetent.

Then...

They'll act concerned.

They'll offer to help you improve your performance, improve your attitude, and improve your life in general.

If you don’t change in exactly the way they want you to change, your life will be ruined.

That’s what they want you to believe.

The truth is these people don’t want to help you. They want to control you.

They want to change you, not to better your life, but to validate their lives and to keep you from outgrowing them.

Once you let manipulative people in your life, they can be extremely hard to get rid of. They'll flip flop on issues, act slippery when you try to hold them accountable, and promise help that never comes.

Don't put up with passive-aggressive behavior.

Have enough confidence in yourself to actively deal with manipulative people as soon as you spot them.

Offensive People Hurt Performance

A study in the Journal Of Social And Personal Relationships found that ignoring negative people increased the ignorer’s intelligence and productivity.

The researchers examined 120 participants who were asked to talk with or ignore people who were instructed to be either friendly or offensive to the participants.

The participants didn't know which type of person they would meet.

After four minutes of interaction, each participant was given a thought exercise that required good concentration.

The participants who ignored the negative people performed better on the thought exercises than the participants who engaged with the negative people.

Much better.

The researchers concluded that ignoring others during adverse social interactions conserves mental resources.

Avoiding negative people is the best strategy.

But sometimes...

It's not enough.

Sometimes a negative person is also sneaky and manipulative. In these cases, you have to apply different strategies. Here are 8 strategies for dealing with manipulative people.

8 Ways To Deal With Manipulators

1. Ignore everything they do and say.

When dealing with a manipulative person, the biggest mistake you can make is trying to correct them.

By correcting them, you sink deeper into their trap.

Manipulative people will use frustration and confusion to bait you into conflict. They want to get you emotional so they can see how you tick.

Once they know the things that trigger you, they’ll use them to influence your actions.

A better strategy is to ignore them completely.

Simply delete them from your life.

If you can’t delete them right away, like if they’re a boss, coworker, or family member, agree with what they say and then go do your own thing anyway.

2. Hit their center of gravity.

Manipulative people are constantly using their own strategies against you.

They'll hold past actions over your head. They’ll become friends with your friends and turn them against you. They’ll dangle some small reward in front of you and make you chase it continuously—every time you get close to it, they’ll pull it away.

Turn the tables.

If you’re forced to deal with a manipulative person who keeps making your life miserable no matter how hard you try to ignore them, go on the offensive.

Find their center or gravity.

This center might be the manipulative person’s friend, manager, or subordinate. It might be a high level skill or an advanced understanding of a particular field. It might be a particular resource that they control.

Once you find out what their center of gravity is...

Make it yours.

Create allies with people close to them, recruit people with their skill sets and knowledge base to replace them, or siphon away their prized resource.

This will throw them off balance and force them to focus on controlling their career and life, not yours.

3. Trust your judgment.

You know what’s best for your life better than anyone else.

Too many people go around asking for other people’s opinions about everything.

What should I do with my life? What am I good at? Who am I?

Stop looking for other people to define you.

Define yourself.

Trust yourself.

What separates winners from losers is not the ability to listen to other people’s beliefs, it’s the ability to listen to one’s own beliefs.

Your beliefs are your boundaries.

By setting your own beliefs and holding onto them strongly, you prevent manipulative people from affecting your life.

4. Try not to fit in.

Keep reinventing yourself.

The idea that consistency is somehow virtuous or tied to success is a misconception.

Manipulative people want you to be consistent so they can count on you to push their agendas forward.

They want you to show up every day at 9am and work for them for minimum wage. They want you to get home on time and clean the house and make them feel good about themselves.

Assembly lines are consistent.

Consistency is how manipulators keep you in a box. It’s how they control you.

The only way to keep from being manipulated is to actively push against all the boundaries that others try to set for you.

Stop trying to fit in.

Instead...

Work to stand out.

Work to be different in every possible way and to never stay the same for too long.

Personal growth, by definition, requires a lack of consistency. It requires constant change.

5. Stop compromising.

Guilt is a useless emotion.

But...

It’s a powerful tool.

Guilt is one of the weapons that manipulative people will use against you. They’ll make you feel guilty for past failures and small mistakes, or they’ll make you feel guilty for being happy and confident.

No one should ever feel too good about themselves.

That's what they want you to believe.

Another weapon manipulators will use against you is doubt.

They’ll work to instill a sense of self-doubt within you. Doubt about your abilities and your worth.

Manipulators gain power in this state of uncertainty.

Their influence becomes stronger when you are uncertain. They have a better chance of getting you to compromise on your values, goals, and self when you're uncertain.

The solution is simple...

Stop feeling guilty.

Stop doubting yourself.

When it comes to your own career and life, you don’t owe anyone anything. You deserve to feel good about yourself and to be proud of your accomplishments.

Compromising on your happiness is not moral or enlightened. It's self-destruction.

6. Never ask for permission.

It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

The problem is that we’ve been trained to constantly ask for permission. We're told to wait in line and wait for our turn to talk.

We're told to wait a year for a promotion.

Most of us are so used to waiting for permission that we sit silently in meetings, afraid to speak out of turn or to even raise our hands.

What if you stopped being overly concerned with politeness and making others feel comfortable?

Manipulative people want you to feel beholden to some imaginary rule or ideal that says you cannot freely take action without asking them first.

The truth is you can take action to move your career forward whenever you want.

You can take complete control of your life right now.

Without permission.

The choice is yours to make.

7. Create a greater sense of purpose.

The reason manipulators continue to thrive in this world is because so many people don't know what they're working for.

They don't know why they're in their career.

They just kind of fell into it.

When your life lacks purpose, you’ll believe anything. You’ll do anything. Because nothing really matters.

People who lack purpose are just killing time. They don’t know where they’re going or why they’re here.

To keep from going crazy, these people work at jobs they don't like and stay busy sending boomerang emails and going to the same pointless meetings.

Busyness empowers manipulative people.

Manipulators control purposeless people by peddling useless information and activities to them.

Like they say...

There’s a sucker born every minute.

If you’re constantly distracted, constantly consuming useless content, constantly trying to stay busy...

You’re the sucker.

The only way to escape this fate is to develop a sense of purpose.

When you know where you’re going, manipulators can’t hurt you.

When you're focused, they can’t distract or misguide you.

8. Take responsibility for yourself.

If someone fools you once, shame on them. If someone fools you 10 times, you’re a fool.

Stop letting manipulators walk all over you. Stop being a punching bag. No one feels bad for you and you’re only embarrassing yourself.

Have enough self-awareness and self-respect to say no to people who treat you poorly.

You can’t just float through life blaming other people for your problems.

Yes, manipulative people exist.

Yes, their actions are wrong.

But this doesn’t mean you get a free pass to make mistakes and be used.

No one can manipulate you without your permission.

You’re responsible for your own successes and failures. If others outthink or out-strategize you—it’s your fault, not theirs.

Be accountable.

Learn from your mistakes.

Don’t keep trusting the same slippery person over and over again. Cut them loose. Delete them from your life.

Commit to surrounding yourself with positive and likeminded people who aren’t just going to use you.

Now it's your turn. What strategies have you used against manipulative people in the past? Were your strategies successful? Tell me in a comment.

I also write for Entrepreneur Magazine:

• 10 Types of People Who Will Help Your Business Succeed
• 10 People Who Will Destroy Your Business
• 5 Benefits Of Being A Misfit Entrepreneur

Check out my book of personal and professional advice, Black Hole Focus: How Intelligent People Create A Powerful Purpose For Their Lives.