When Siblings Are Rivals - Part 11: Step-families

Don and Karen Jones* expected the children in their blended family to giggle and whisper back and forth in their bunk beds, just like the kids on the Brady Bunch used to do-but it was quickly apparent that things at their house were anything but Brady. Mrs. Jones' twelve and fifteen year old daughters teemed with daily resentment. Mr. Jones' six year old girl always felt left out. The children argued constantly. One afternoon when the older girls were in the yard, kicking a soccer ball, their younger step-sister felt jealous. After a few taunts and hair pulls, the argument escalated, and the teens locked their step sister in a closet.

Mrs. Jones knew that her step-daughter had provoked the others: "I don't usually jump in, but once it gets physical, I feel like it's important to intervene," she notes. So, she freed her step daughter, and called all three girls into the living room: "You don't have to love each other, but you do need to show common courtesy. Hair-pulling and locking each other in a closet are out," she recalls telling them.

Wednesday Martin, Ph.D., author of Stepmonster (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2008), offers some practical advice for dealing with sibling rivalry in step-families: "Drop the ‘blended family' expectation and the sibling paradigm. It puts too much pressure on all the players to look, feel, and act like a first family. Stepfamilies don't need to be as close as first families-as long as there is respect, civility, and warmth. Pushing closeness and bonding is likely to backfire."

So, what do you do when the stepfamily refuses to fall in line and does not act all lovey-dovey, a la Mike, Carol, and Sam the Butcher?

It isn't easy, but the first step towards living comfortably with step-siblings is to drop any and all expectations of forced closeness. This means give up the dream of giggling in bunk beds when a step family is created. Instead, take a long hard look at the components of the newly formed family, and consider the developmental stages of the children. Twenty- somethings may not want to bond with toddlers or elementary school age children. But, with time all will hopefully adjust. "If opportunities are created for all the children to spend time together, they might form some common ground," Dr. Martin advises.

What about the differing parent styles in the new family unit? It might be best for everyone to discipline their own kids-at least for the short term, and possibly in perpetuity. For starters, don't fall for the trap of thinking that you can dole out love equally among stepchildren. Situations where Mom is stricter with her kids than Dad is with his might cause jealousy and tension among step sibs.

According to Dr. Martin, "Rivalries will abate when there is acknowledgement that parents are closer to their own kids, and kids to their own parents, and that will be respected... Don't expect parents or step kids to ‘love each other like their own.'"

As to the family discussed above, Mary Kelly-Williams, M.A., a Colorado psychotherapist, would advise the Joneses to set house rules, such as: no physical behaviors, no name calling, and an insistence on civility. "Parents need to think about what is going on emotionally with their children, and to be aware of potential conflicts and ways they might be contributing to them, such as disregarding the importance of birth order in each of the families of origin." Being aware of birth order is important, as it ensures that no one feels like they have lost their place in the family, a common worry and cause of resentment in stepfamilies.

So, start by giving up the fantasy of "even-Steven." We can't make all these kids' lives and experiences equal. "Stepfamilies are lumpy," says Dr Martin, "But, that doesn't mean they can't work."

*Not their real names