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Is it possible to “fix” a toxic relationship?
We all probably know that anything is possible when it comes to relationships. However, in terms of “fixing relationships”, you need to be clear in your goal – you need to focus on the relationship and not try to “fix” the friend. Relationships that have stood the test of time and weathered the multiple identity changes that most of us go through over the years usually deserve the effort made to repair them if they “break.” On the other hand, some friendships that are more about “friends of convenience” are not necessarily worthy of the attempt. Friends of convenience, for instance, are those friends that served a specific purpose at a specific point in your life, but who would not have been “friends of choice.” This might be the person who was in the cubicle next to you or who sat beside you in a class or who liked the spot in the yoga class next to your mat.
Fix It or Forget It?
There are several different ways to handle a truly unhealthy relationship – first, you need to ask yourself if the friendship is worth fixing. If you really believe that the relationship has value and you really want to see if it can be salvaged, you have to commit to the task wholeheartedly.
Were You in the Wrong?
If you’re the one that’s in the wrong, it’s a big help if you “come clean” and let your friend know that you realize you’ve not been the best kind of friend and let her know that you really are committed to changing. That takes courage and it also takes commitment. But good friendships are worth the investment!
Were You Wronged by a Friend?
If you were wronged by a friend, and you are willing to give her a second chance, you have to be honest with yourself about the relationship behaviors you expect in the future. And if your needs aren’t being met, even after an honest conversation and discussion of expectations, then you need to be willing to walk away.
Depending on the transgression of your friend, you might choose to ask yourself if this was the first time this behavior has occurred. If yes, then you can cut her some slack and just let her know that you were bothered by the incident. If it’s a pattern that’s developed, you need to ask yourself if you are better off with or without her in your life. If you feel that she has value in your life, then broach the pattern of behavior with her – in a quiet, private place and with tact and diplomacy. None of us like being called out for our faults and sometimes we might not even realize what we’ve been doing.
Friendships are economic systems – both parties have to invest in the relationship for there to be a pay-off for either person. If you are willing to keep investing with no pay-off, you’ve made the decision to remain in the unbalanced relationship.
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