Dear Mariella

The Dilemma I have been married for 10 years. My wife is beautiful and educated and we have three lovely kids. It was an arranged marriage, but consented to without pressure. Now in our thirties, I am a professional and she is a housewife. We have talked about her starting a career, but she wants to give the kids more time. I work 10 to 12 hours a day and also work a couple of weekends each month. She says that she loves me very much, which makes me feel guilty, as I don't think I am capable of loving her back. In the first years of marriage I honestly did. She feels I do not appreciate her; I feel that she is emotional and insecure. She has taken to beating herself up – pulling out her hair and banging her head against the wall when we argue. She says this happens in all normal marriages; my point of view is that this is not normal. Am I being a complete jerk here? If so, what should I change?

Mariella replies Your wife is displaying worrying levels of frustration and a penchant for self-harm. She needs help and would doubtless benefit from talking to a counsellor or mental health professional. But I don't want you to feel that in recommending professional help I am exonerating you. We'll come to that in a moment.

Your wife needs a listening ear and an opportunity to vent her feelings. With you working 12-hour days while she keeps the home fires burning, I doubt she gets much time to talk to friends, let alone look for professional input to resolve issues. Once she has achieved a healthier degree of mental calm she may find it easier to explain why she feels as angry as she clearly does, which will benefit both of you. Not that it should be coming as any surprise.

It's easy to pinpoint the cause of your situation: that you feel as little as she suspects you do. If the absence of love in a marriage doesn't make at least one partner feel insecure, I'm not sure what would. There you are admitting that you can no longer "honestly" describe your feelings toward her as "love" and in the same breath accusing her of being "insecure". All this woman has in her life at present is her family, and the cornerstone of her existence is her relationship with you. Does it occur to you to examine how "emotional" and "insecure" you might feel if she spent two-thirds of her time away from the house and when at home made you feel unloved? I'm struggling to understand why you can't see the cause and effect as clearly as everyone else reading your letter will. I'm not blaming you for your lack of feelings toward your wife – time and familiarity have a bad habit of beating the romance out of many relationships – but to not register the impact of that on your spouse is a little naive.

So, what to do? Well, you clearly have a strong sense of loyalty and affection towards her, which is ultimately what keeps most relationships together. Endeavouring to inject a bit of romance back into your lives is a challenge that's worth embracing. You describe your wife as beautiful and educated. How often does she get to explore either of those qualities, either by dressing up to go out on a date with you or enjoying a mentally stimulating pastime? I've no doubt that if she felt stimulated and loved, both your lives would be so much happier. Making money is a chore, and it's easy to be deluded into thinking that by embracing your bread-winning role you're doing your bit. Start trying to enjoy quality time with your wife and also make sure she has the wherewithal to step out into the world more often. A bit of babysitting duty never did any husband any harm!

Ultimately, if you want your marriage to survive, you can't expect your wife to be happy with crumbs. You need to strive to create an emotional atmosphere that's more nourishing for both of you. Nothing is written in stone, and no matter how much you want to stay together "for the kids", if the adults can't make it work it's unlikely to be a success.

Finally, it's interesting that you told me first off that your marriage was arranged, as though that had some bearing on where you are now. It explains little and forgives less. By your own admission both of you were once in love and one of you still is, which plonks you in the same spot as many long-term partnerships. Luckily love is a small word for a very big range of emotions; it sounds to me as if you have more of the ingredients than you might think still there to be exploited.

If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk

DID HER ADVICE HELP?

A fortnight ago Mariella advised a woman who was worried about her sister's new relationship. Her sister, who is in her sixties, was planning to move in with her son's father-in-law after a whirlwind romance – despite the concerns of their children. Here's her reply to Mariella's response.

I wrote to Mariella because I think she's the best agony aunt around and because I had lots of conflicting emotions about the way my sister and her new partner were dealing, not with their romance, which seems to be going fine, but with the relationships that were affected by it, including mine.

I thought Mariella was a bit tough on the young, who are clearly as shocked as the rest of us, but her premise that my sister and her new partner are entitled to make the most of their declining years is absolutely right. The issue is one of emotional intelligence: to be oblivious to the effect of your actions on other people poses a risk to close relationships. If you value your children, your friends or your dead wife's relations then take their feelings into account as well as indulging your own. Like extramarital affairs, silence and discretion are often best: honesty can become the elephant in the room. And timing is everything!

To have your say on this week's column, go to theguardian.com/dearmariella