Jen Healy, 21, of Chicago, was hosting a backyard barbecue when a neighbor joined the party. Surprised, Healy assumed the music or guests were too loud. Perhaps the neighbor was there to complain?
Not exactly. The neighbor -- 15 years older than most party guests -- was there for a drink. "He said my brother invited him," Healy says. "It was kind of awkward. He just sat there with his drink."
Healy made some polite conversation and the neighbor left within 15 minutes. But not all surprise guests are as easy to manage. From simple barbecues to lavish weddings, uninvited guests crash parties without a second thought. Your strange, but likable neighbors see a few unfamiliar cars and ring the doorbell expecting an instant invitation to whatever's going on.
Surprise guests are often invited by family or friends who assume they are also welcome, says Northwestern University's Michael Roloff, a communications professor who specializes in conflict. Guests expect the hosts to be accommodating because that is the nature of the relationship. "The general obligation is family and friends should be caring and flexible for meeting each other's needs," says Roloff.
If the affair is an informal one at home, a few extra faces might not be a problem, but an extra spot at a small dinner party can cause logistical questions for the host: Do I have enough food? How should I change the seating? Do I really want this person in my house?
"Human beings as a species, we have a strong sense of territory over our property," says Roloff. At a large event like a wedding, a host's resentment toward uninvited guests usually stems from the extra cost, Roloff says. But at home, a host often is offended because a sense of privacy and control has been violated.
RUDE BOYS
While some hosts may welcome uninvited but pleasant guests, rude ones need to be tamed. Author and etiquette adviser Peggy Post says a host is obligated to make sure the uninvited guest isn't ruining the party.
"Say someone's behavior is inappropriate," she says. "They are telling off-color jokes or (making) bigoted remarks. As the host, you need to step in, but don't do it in front of everyone else."
Roloff agrees. It's also acceptable to approach the person who brought the uninvited guests, he says. "You find a way of saying, 'The person who showed up is a jerk, how did you meet this person?' You deal with it indirectly."
Accommodating an extra guest may not seem as much of an inconvenience when there are several hundred other guests. Cost can limit flexibility, however. Big events such as weddings, bar or bat mitzvahs and other lavish parties usually come with a per-plate fee. Nevertheless, invited guests often add children or dates to the response card.
Post says many guests don't realize their child or date isn't welcome. And a host who makes exceptions for even one child or one date can cause a rift with other guests who had to find a baby-sitter or show up solo.
Avoid such troubles with careful invitation wording. Post suggests. "The names on the outside of the envelope state who is invited," Post says. "If you spell out Mr. and Mrs. Jones, that means the children are not being invited." The same rule applies to dates. Post says the envelope should read "Ms. Jones and Guest" if a date is invited. The right wording can help parents get the picture, but it's never a good idea to write "No children please" on the invitation, she says.
YOU MAKE THE CALL
It's also best to avoid a response card on which people write in the number of guests who will be attending. This is a spot where people can try to squeeze in an extra guest. Instead, Post recommends a response card that allows the guest to simply indicate whether they will attend.
Fortunately, RSVP cards usually indicate whether a guest misunderstood the invitation. Post recommends calling the guest if they've added their children or a plus-one to the RSVP card. Nicely explain there isn't room for extra guests. "Say, "I'd love for you to bring a date but we're limited on space,"' Post says.
The budget can be your excuse. "With weddings, you run into the case with people who plead, 'My darling children are wonderful,' even though they are 3 and 5," Post says. "That's fine and dandy, but weddings are expensive and you have to come down to the bottom line."
Most people understand the rules, but others refuse to accept that their children or boyfriend-of-two-weeks weren't invited. "Some people still try to bully their way in with a guest," Post says.
Post says she recently attended a wedding to which a couple at her table brought their two uninvited children. The kids were about 4 and 6 and bumped two invited guests from the table. The kids were well-mannered during dinner but the family took over the dance floor.
"It was really hard for anyone else to dance," Post said. The bride quietly asked the woman, a former co-worker, to make room and the guest took the hint.
Party planner Ali Phillips also sees uninvited guests showing up at special events. She agrees with Post and said most people simply didn't understand their little one or a date wasn't welcome.
"I would not advise brides and grooms to ask people to leave if they are there," said Phillips, owner of Engaging Events by Ali in Chicago. "You're always able to accommodate one or two extra people."