My partner and I have been together for four years and during that time there have been many instances of him flirting with other women, including within our social circle. He will connect across the room with someone and appear to engage with her, acting as if I can't see what is happening. I spend the evening watching, wondering whether to make a fuss or wait to confirm my suspicions before raising the issue.
I have to find coping strategies to use in situations where this is most likely to crop up and, although it doesn't seem to happen all the time, I can rarely relax when we're out. His behaviour makes me feel diminished as a woman and rejected as a girlfriend. I am rendered weak and powerless and I deeply resent it. When I confront him about it, he just repeats that he has "done nothing wrong" and the conversation goes nowhere. While he continues to deny all indiscretions, despite what I observe, we can't change anything or move forward. I don't believe he acts out these fantasies, but his attitude is corroding our relationship.
My father was a serial flirt and unfaithful, so my partner's flirting reminds me of him and the fears I have about being in a similar relationship. My partner and I are otherwise very close, but I believe he is in denial about his behaviour and that such a serious recurrent flashpoint means our relationship is doomed. How can we address this?
Ask yourself why you chose him
If social occasions continue to be flashpoints, you need to decide whether to stop going out together or to address the issue with the help of a counsellor or third party.
My ex-wife was attracted to me because I embodied similar qualities of charisma and charm to her father, who had left her mother after many affairs. Social occasions were fraught as I was always being watched for how I engaged with other people: I'm not a flirt but I enjoy other people's company. I had to deny phantom indiscretions, but these denials were worthless. She didn't particularly enjoy being in the company of our friends and eventually my social life became something I had without her, which exacerbated the divide between us.
My ex-wife was reconciled with her father a few months before his death and since then our relationship has acquired a measure of trust, although too late to save our marriage.
Ask yourself why you chose this man - the personality traits that annoy you so much now are probably what drew you to him in the first place. Look at your relationship with your father and ask yourself if there is anything you and he can learn together before you make any major decisions about the relationship you are in with your partner - which should not be so beholden to your family history.
MN, via email
I have suffered a similar fate
I have spent 30 years with a man I adore but he has always behaved flirtatiously with other women and claimed he was doing nothing wrong. I also developed "coping strategies", which I now believe was a huge mistake.
I became increasingly miserable and our relationship deteriorated. He got angry, ignored me and began to socialise on his own.
I discovered recently that he had been having an affair for the past year with a woman he socialises with every week. He concedes this was an inevitable consequence of his flirtatious behaviour and lack of commitment to our marriage. I lost all my confidence and turned from someone who loved life into a miserable wretch, finally kicked into the ground by his affair with a "friend".
Please don't make the same mistake. You deserve better.
Name and address withheld
Repeating childhood patterns
As children, we often feel that family difficulties are "our fault". This childhood illusion that there must have been something we could have done to make things better often persists into adulthood, as it seems to have in your case. You say that you have to "find coping strategies" as if your only option is to find a way to control your perfectly legitimate responses to your partner's behaviour.
You have selected a man who replicates your father's behaviour and you hope to change him in the same way that you hoped to change your father when you were a child. However, once you find the kind of help that enables you to leave your childhood distress behind you, you will be able to make a loving connection with a partner who will treat you with respect and care.
NB, Hull
Engage him in a discussion
You might have a more constructive conversation with your partner if you don't box him into a corner with accusations. Try to open up a discussion with him about how his actions make you feel. Compare these two approaches: "Don't think I didn't see you flirting with that woman or that you can get away with it" and "Because of the way my father acted, I feel really threatened when I see you flirting with women. Can we talk about what actions and words you could use to reassure me that our relationship is solid?"
Flirting makes some people feel validated and even when we are in the most loving relationship on earth, it is still nice to feel there are other people out there who also find us attractive.
JR, London
I leave my husband to flirt I have been married to a serial flirt for nearly 30 years. I don't think he has ever been unfaithful to me, but over the years we have had many rows about his behaviour. I have been accused of being possessive and insecure, but my feeling is that he needs to flirt to cope with his own insecurities.
I realised that something would have to change if we were to stay together and carry on enjoying the positive aspects of the relationship. My tactic these days is to walk away from him when we are in a social situation and to engage the most interesting and good looking man in the room in conversation. It hasn't changed my husband, but I'm a great deal happier.
Name and address withheld
What the expert thinks
Start by re-reading your arguments with fresh eyes - as if someone else had presented them to you. You say your partner flirts with other women and refuses to curb this behaviour. You say this makes you feel diminished and rejected, and rendered weak and powerless. Think about this. Are you being fair? Aren't you being as uncompromising as he is? No one can force someone to feel diminished, weak, or any other way. Each of us is free to choose how to react and feel about what happens to us. You say you cannot change anything, but you are as inflexible as he is in how you perceive his behaviour.
You add that you do not believe he acts out his fantasies, but that his manner towards other women upsets you because it reminds you of your father, who did have affairs. Isn't it an indulgence to claim that simply because something triggers a painful memory, it should stop? Your partner is not your father: you have no basis for assuming he will have affairs because your father did. You could, if you chose, interpret your partner's behaviour quite differently. You say he finds women attractive, and it sounds as if he can usually win their interest. Despite this, he wishes to be with - and stay with - you.
We all hope to be indulged when we ask for something from a loved one, and indeed it would be desirable for you if your partner immediately ceased all flirting. But most flashpoints in relationships can be resolved through mutual compromise rather than one-sided acquiescence - and neither of you is offering any such accommodation.
Let us now consider the choices available to you. Given that your partner refuses to stop flirting, you could leave him. However, if you hope to find someone who will oblige your every request, I think you will be looking for a long time - at least, to find someone as exciting as your partner. Alternatively, you could give him an ultimatum: if he does not stop flirting, you will leave. However, if you demand this, there is no reason why he should not make similarly absolutist demands on you to change whenever anything you do upsets him.
You could regard your father's affairs as a psychological trauma, and seek treatment so this no longer dominates your reaction to your partner's flirtations. That seems rather heavy-handed, but it is an option nonetheless.
Finally, you could resolve to react differently to your partner's behaviour. Tell him you trust him, and instead of watching his every move, enjoy the social occasions you share. This has one risk. If he is very insecure and needs your constant jealous attention for reassurance, he will flirt even more outrageously. But if he does, you will need to ask yourself if you want to stay with such a manipulative person. In truth, it is more likely that he would be delighted with your more trusting reaction. He would no longer need to feel defensive, and might even act more considerately. But however he responds, you would be able to enjoy life a great deal more.
Linda Blair
Next week: My fertility clock is ticking
I am 35, with a 29-year-old partner, and am concerned about the time I have left to have a child. We have been together for two years and are saving to buy a house. I have asked him to consider trying for a child in two years, providing we are still stable and happy, but he says he cannot guarantee that he will want to. He does want children but doesn't know when. I am worried that his "when" will be too late for me, and I will be left childless or, worse, he may leave me for a younger woman. I think the issue is that he is slightly too young to think about this - none of his friends has children yet.
We haven't discussed marriage - mainly because I am divorced and no longer see it as the be all and end all. Both of us view buying a house together as the main commitment to one another. We plan to work abroad together and our future as a couple is fairly certain - it's just this issue of children.
Do I take the risk, stay patient and hope he will be ready soon, or leave a wonderful man and relationship and look for someone who wants a family sooner? We have discussed the situation at length and I have been clear about my concerns. I would like both of us to be totally happy about the prospect of having a child and I am reluctant to try to "persuade" him to have one before he is ready.
I would really like to know how other couples have handled this problem.
· Private Lives appears every Thursday. You are invited to respond to this week's main problem. If you would like fellow readers and Linda Blair to answer a dilemma of yours, send us an outline of the situation of around 250 words. For advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns. All correspondence should reach us by Tuesday morning: email private.lives@theguardian.com (please don't send attachments) or write to Private Lives, The Guardian, 119 Farringdon Road, London EC1R 3ER.