Tips for Adult Children Who Grieve their Parents’ Divorce

After a divorce, usually a great deal of attention is spent on trying to help young children cope with divorce. However, adults 50 and older continue to divorce at an all-time high, leaving adult children of long-time married couples in shock when they hear of their parents’ divorce and later find themselves grieving with few places to turn.

Adult kids themselves along with others assume “parental divorce won’t hurt an adult child, ”Brook Lea Foster said, author of “The Way They Were; Dealing With Your Parents’ Divorce After a Lifetime of Marriage.”
Adult children find themselves in all sorts of uncomfortable situations that younger children are spared, like hearing about a parent’s dating Life, Foster

says. And this is in addition to having feelings of bewilderment and loss. Important to note is that other adult children feel guilty or angry when they think that their parents stayed together for the kids’ benefit.

It is no doubt that the “gray divorce” has become more common. Professors at Bowling Green State University studying later-life splits found that the divorce rate among people 50 and older has more than doubled between 1990 and 2008. In light of this, there is not much guidance for adult kids navigating these complex situations.

Here are some tips for the adult child who has just received the news of his or her parents’ divorce:

Adult children need to be shielded, like younger children, away from the details of their parents’ love life. Foster says, adult children of divorcing parents “often her more than they ever wanted to about their parents’ sex and dating lives.” Insist to your parents that they do not put you in this situation.

Don’t play parent, mediator, or friend. This may be tempting if you are close to one or even both parents but avoid it if at all possible. Foster said divorcing parents often turn to their adult children for them to hear their story, like a friend, counselor or lawyer should provide. “You can be sympathetic and loving, but it is unhealthy for you to fill any of those roles,” Foster said. “You are not responsible for guiding your parents through their divorce.”

Don’t pick sides. Although adult children of divorce are often pressured to pick sides, especially when infidelity becomes an issue in the divorce but they shouldn’t do it. Terry Gaspard, who started a website, movingpastdivorce, with her daughter, advises saying, at the outset, “I love you and it hurts me to hear this” or “I love you and I’m sad this happened to all of us.” Daughters can be socialized to be more focused on others putting their own needs aside but this can hurt them later.

If you have rage toward one or both parents for choices that led to the divorce, such as infidelity, abuse or financial mismanagement, tell your grievances to a therapist who is unbiased on these matters, Gaspard said.
Choose who is in your life. After all, you are old enough to do so. The hard part of divorce is not just the loss of the original family unit but how it redefines other relationships within the clan. You may feel as though you’re losing chunks of your family or that staying in touch with extended family on one side is a betrayal to one of your parents. But go ahead and keep the relationships you want. M. Gary Neuman, author of “The Long Way Home: The Powerful 4-step Plan for Adult Children of Divorce” (Wiley) says, ”People who come from divorced families can have stronger family ties than other people, because they have a strong commitment to making family relationships work. We can empower ourselves to have better family connections than we did before the divorce. You don’t always have to be 100 percent healed. You can still make great progress.”

Don’t compare your own relationship to your parents’. It is natural to turn to your own romantic life and look for clues that it’s turning in the same direction as your parents’ way. What’s more, the statistics stating that children of divorce are more likely to end up divorced themselves do not help. But try not to fall into this trap. Studies indicate that children of divorce are more likely to freak out after an argument with their romantic partner because they view it as “proof” that all relationships are doomed. If you can’t shake this belief, then you should consider seeking professional help such as that of a therapist.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Kirk C. Stange, Esq.
Kirk C. Stange, Esq. is a Managing Partner of Stange Law Firm, PC, which is a family law firm with multiple offices in the St. Louis Metro Area in Missouri and Illinois.

Copyright Stange Law Firm, PC

Disclaimer: Every effort has been made to ensure the accuracy of this publication at the time it was written. It is not intended to provide legal advice or suggest a guaranteed outcome as individual situations will differ and the law may have changed since publication. Readers considering legal action should consult with an experienced lawyer to understand current laws and.how they may affect a case. For specific technical or legal advice on the information provided and related topics, please contact the author.