ABSTRACT Emotions are windows of engagement. How we engage is called contact. It is the awareness of oneself in the moment. This awareness can be developed to be both a participant and a witness to one’s experience. Herb Stevenson Contact Model WINDOWS OF ENGAGEMENT Contact Model of Experience 1|Page Windows of Engagement ©Herb Stevenson, 2020 The aim of our emotions, and the reason we have emotions in the first place, is to enhance our lives, to make them better, to help us get what we want out of life. They have an intentional structure that is a certain way of putting the world we experience in order. Therefore, it is essential that we think of an emotion as a dynamic engagement with the world, not just a self-enclosed feeling. It is that engagement with the world. And so, too, all our emotions are engagements in the world, engagements that are formed, in part, by their expression. For example, when we get angry, there is a logic, both in the anger itself and in the situation that ensues once the anger is expressed. It is the narrative of the emotion as well as the narrative that follows its expression that drives emotion along. It is not a matter of “getting something out of our system” but of completing the narrative. People misread and misname their emotions as well as other’s emotions particularly when their perception is colored by their personal preferences, prejudices, and interests. To say the least, the gap between having an emotion and knowing through experiencing it is enormous. If we do not always recognize our own emotions, we do sometimes get informed by our friends, who see how we are behaving (and thus what we are feeling) more clearly than we do. Occasionally, we notice our own curious behavior. All this bears on the question of consciousness and what it means to make an emotion “fully conscious”. Most of our emotions, most of the time, are not entirely beyond our control. They do not just happen to us. They are our learned reactions, and we are responsible for them. We practice them, cultivate them, and in many cases choose them, even if unconsciously. They are our adaptive, learned strategies for living well, even if a great many emotions are shortsighted and thus not particularly good strategies. Therefore, emotions are acts of consciousness, whether we are consciously aware or simply unconsciously reacting from prior experiences. Nietzsche indicated that we become aware of our own states of mind only with some difficulty and understand ourselves profoundly only in rare circumstances. What we think we ought to feel and what we would like and expect to feel are powerful determinants of what we think we do feel. Conscious awareness is difficult requiring focus, intention, discipline, and unwavering commitment. The ability to reflect is not only a remarkable ability: It also presents us with a constant and formidable task, to be in touch with our feelings, thoughts, and reactivity, to be true to ourselves. Through reflection, we become aware of the fact that we are experiencing and expressing (or not) an emotion. 2|Page Our emotional behavior is determined in part by both the situation in which we find ourselves and by our personalities and personal choices. Complicating matters is the tendency to minimize or displace our sense of responsibility for our emotions through excuses, misinterpretations (of intent, ours, and other’s), or one-sided understandings— devices to evade both the responsibility and understanding. Some of our engagements involve behavior and expression that is restrained and therefore not at all evident to anyone else. The privacy of our emotions and other mental states is not a matter of metaphysics, but of learning. We learn, consciously and unconsciously, to keep our thoughts and feelings to ourselves. Ladder of Inference: How We Tell Our Stories We can deepen our understanding if we examine how we make meaning and habitualized our perceptions. A useful tool in helping clients examine their thinking processes is the ladder of inference method, originally developed by Chris Argyris. In executive coaching, the ladder of inference is probably the most commonly used, and most effective, technique to help executives evaluate and improve their cognitive and communicative styles. In basic terms the ladder of inference involves the following seven steps. 3|Page Telling Our Story When we add the emotional content to the model by borrowing from the work of Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler in their bestselling books Crucial Conversations and Crucial Confrontations, the model becomes a clear explanation of our cognitive, emotive, and communicative processes, especially during our more explosive and possibly embarrassing moments. This model suggests that in every situation we have four overriding processes that help us decide what has happened and what action to take. As shown below, this model adds a feeling step to the process. See and Hear  Tell a Story  Feel Act The concept of the ladder of inference integrated with how we tell our stories can help our clients identify the steps in their reasoning that may lead to unintended consequences. The ladder of inference focuses on how people come to take the actions they take. When the structure of our thinking and feeling processes from Patterson et. al. are overlain as a metastructure that incorporates the ladder of inference, the model becomes expanded and adds the feeling or emotional dimension to the model. The combined model would look like the following: I See and Hear 1. I observe “data”. 2. I then select data from what I have observed. I Tell a Story 3. 4. 5. 6. I I I I add meaning to the data from a personal and cultural perspective. make assumptions based on the meaning that I have added. draw conclusions based on my assumptions. adopt beliefs based on my conclusions. I apply a Feeling Response: Automatically or Consciously 7. I create emotional reactions that are congruent with the Story I have told myself. I Act 8. Finally, I take actions based on my conclusions and emotional reactions. 4|Page The importance of combining these two models is supported by the Emotional Intelligence work of Daniel Goleman. Goleman noted that when we have automatic emotional responses to stimuli instead of strong self-awareness and self-management (impulse control), we risk having an amygdala (emotional) hijack, which basically means that the brain ignites a strong, preconceived response to a situation, a precognitive emotion that may or may not be appropriate or applicable. These precognitive emotions are unconscious responses to situations that often create embarrassment, difficult relations, and misunderstanding. Hence, by including the feeling or emotional aspect of our self into the ladder of inference model, we have a process that can more fully explain the internal thinking and feeling processes that lead to less than productive and/or satisfying engagement with friends, family, peers, direct reports up and down, and complete strangers. Through self-awareness, we can begin to develop social skills that lead to new ways of self-management and relationship management. Emotional Intelligence Intentionality is the key to emotional intelligence. Engagement with the world requires having knowledge about the world, even if this knowledge is imperfect, incomplete, or just plain mistaken. This intentionality is defined in terms of the kinds of things we pick out or perceive in the environment. Emotions, therefore, have the power to constitute reality in a certain way by bestowing a value and appraising (making meaning of)the situation. Emotional intelligence is not so much concerned with emotional control as it is about intelligence in emotions, that is, the essential conceptual and evaluative components of emotions, their insights, and not just their regulation. To say that emotions have intelligence is thus to insist that they involve and require the abilities to conceptualize and evaluate and that they often employ these abilities to excellent effect. Emotional intelligence, therefore, is indeed intelligence. It requires learning a valuable set of personal and interpersonal skills without which our emotional lives and, especially, our emotional lives together would be much more troubled than we can even imagine. Understanding one’s emotion is not just identifying or recognizing it, but rather seeing and appreciating its causes (including its not-so-obvious underlying causes) and understanding its history and significance both in one’s own life and, perhaps, in the life of one’s family or the larger community. Answering the below questions exemplifies understanding one’s emotions. 5|Page 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. What am I actually experiencing? What does my experience mean in terms of the person I intend to become— that is to say, what is the relation of my experiences to my core value or guiding principles? What fears and conditions are interfering with my ability to experience my existence authentically and congruent with my guiding principles/true self? How can I reexperience my experience, reframing it by bringing it into fuller and more authentic awareness—that is, what insights, experiments, and ways of being will help me complete my experiences—to give my existence a sense of living fully and well. Having experienced and completed my reframing of experiences, I have a more lucid conception of who I intend to be. How do I put these guiding principles/core values into action—in terms of myself and regarding others? Eliminating the Valence of Emotions We do take pleasure in some things and find others distasteful or painful. Emotions are not valenced even though society has classified them as positive or negative. When we apply such valence, not only does it shade the meaning making of the emotion, we fail to appreciate the richness and subtlety of emotions. It becomes a form of lazy thinking in the name of an easy organizing principle. As such, we fail to accept that all emotions are what creates the wisdom and depth of life and all its experiences. A Well-Lived Life The test of a well lived life may well involve some sort of success consideration beyond enjoyment in the moment. Deep happiness includes the struggle to achieve brought to bear from the interaction of high aspiration and significant frustration experienced along the journey. Self-Evaluation Embarrassment, shame, and guilt can all involve three different dimensions of selfevaluation: (1) the felt evaluation of the self by oneself (thus we can be ashamed or embarrassed even when we are entirely alone, knowing that what we have done is shameful or awkward), (2) an evaluation of oneself imposed by other people (thus we can be made to be ashamed or embarrassed by other’s looks, gestures, and words), and (3) the nature of the situation (there are situations that are embarrassing and acts that are shameful, whatever one feels). Being caught with one’s pants down is embarrassing. Not pulling one’s pants up is shameful but pulling one’s pants down to 6|Page make a rude gesture should make one ashamed, just because in most situations this will be extremely embarrassing to other people. Some emotions display a self-evaluation, quality, an intelligence, pertaining to selfjudgment in relation to being at fault or being responsible or the absence there of for something that happened. Righteous (Justifiable) Emotion From this perspective, some emotions are irrational, others are rational. The latter are right on target. For example, anger is righteous (justified), if it is directed at a fault or offense that requires correction, and it is often instrumental in making that correction. If righteous (morally right or justifiable) anger is anger that is, as Aristotle recommended, aimed at the right person, for the right reason, at the right time, in the right proportion, then it follows that justifiable emotion is emotion that is aimed at the right person, including one self, for the right reason, at the right time, and in the right proportion... consciously or not Rational or Irrational Emotions are strategies. They are instrumental in getting us what we want (and helping us avoid what we do not want), and sometimes they themselves may be (or seem to be) what we ultimately want, e.g. happiness Rationality is maximizing (or together with emotions, optimizing) our well-being. Our emotions are rational insofar as they further our collective as well as personal wellbeing, irrational insofar as they diminish or degrade it. In other words, conscious awareness permeates rationality and is absent from irrationality. When we look into our emotional lives with the idea that we are or might be responsible and ask ourselves probing questions, such as “why am I doing this” and “What am I getting out of this” we often see aspects of our strategically intentional behavior that would otherwise escape us. And you may well find that by taking responsibility you will no longer feel like the victim of your emotions. Emotions fully manifest themselves only once we consciously affirm or deny them. And what we affirm or deny is not just the emotion. It is the emotion as a reflection of one’s self. It shows or betrays who one is. Therefore, even before we learn to analyze it, we experience our emotions as profoundly indicative of the kind of person we are. Our emotions make us self-conscious. As conscious or unconscious strategies, they are concerned with the well-being of the self. The measure of the intensity of 7|Page the emotion is an ethical judgment—how important the issue is in one’s life as much as a learnt survival mode in how much is expressed or restrained. Applying Emotional Contact to Difficult Life Events Understanding allying with our emotions can be a very powerful process. The critical components are a desire to be fully present, mindful, and consciously aware. This combination of being leads to an understanding that emotions are best understand when we combine our presence with vulnerability. Presence Presence is the internal sense of self1. When fully developed it creates an awareness that one has total authority over one’s experience. It is understood that life is created (co-created) through the conscious (or unconscious) choices made moment to moment. It is not a naive understanding that suggests that life does not happen beyond our control; however, it is understood that it is how we choose to engage that makes life so exciting. Discovery becomes the next exciting moment. Vulnerability Vulnerability is often viewed as being in harm’s way. In truth, it is about having the courage to show up in one’s life and to be open to the anxiety and excitement of not knowing the outcome in the immediate encounter. Anxiety arises when we anticipate negative results. Excitement arises when we anticipate positive results. In truth, we cannot know the exact results until we engage and experience the encounter. Even then, we can learn to face the moment through an internal right to choose how to engage the situation. Internal authority Internal authority is based on one’s self efficacy. Self-efficacy is associated with selfesteem, self-confidence, and a strong inner sense of self. Generally, there is little confusion between self (what is me) and other (what is not me). Choicefulness and a sense of self responsibility for one’s life existentially permeates the individual. A sense of personal power permeates the person’s existence. External Authority External authority is a based on one’s need for external approval. Hence, external authority is based on many of the pro-social acts of humiliation used in schools and This is not to be confused with the often stated “a person has presence” or “executive presence”. Presence in our terms is conscious awareness combined with vulnerability to enable one to participate and witness oneself and the client. 1 8|Page hierarchical organizations. Subordination to external authority is common. It can evolve in the form of positions of power or authority as well as in the form of a health crisis for oneself or a loved one. Power is experienced outside of oneself and can support feelings of victimhood. Conscious Awareness Conscious awareness is often associated with mindfulness, groundedness, a deep sense of self and other where reflective choices are made in each moment. An enhanced sense of self, other, and the surroundings is common. Core values impart more influence than the facts or details of a situation. Unconscious Reactivity Unconscious reactivity is associated with mindlessness, where habitualized thoughts and actions are driven from cultural rules and family customs for appropriate behavior. Often a lack of internal safety or comfort triggers intense reactivity. Any sense of self control can be lost, and it becomes easy to experience a deep sense of victimization. Many phobias are extreme examples of this unconscious reactivity. Absence The lack of presence (the absence of internal authority and conscious awareness) reveals itself in various degrees of reactivity. It can surface as something simple as s slight embarrassment from a faux pas to a terrorizing fear from being told one has cancer. Typically, there is a sense of being done onto in a way that exposes some deep sense of vulnerability and potentially a sense of being without control or ability to influence the situation. It can lead to range of emotions and reactions that derive from feeling exposed to some negative or shocking intrusion. Crescendo into Dissociation If the vulnerability crescendos into shame/humiliation or terrorizing fear, there is a tendency for the mind to impose a veil like embrace of the vulnerability and to shut down the reaction. In such cases, the experience fragments the emotional impact by decreasing the sensitivity of the social nervous system and moves into a non-feeling state that can range from boredom to complete dissociation from feelings and/or thoughts about the inducing event. For some, it will appear as if they have gone into a state of shock. It is in this stage, where some resort to self-medication to induce a not always successful numb state. For example, my brother was informed that he had gum cancer while working in the Middle East. My niece called home in panic because he 9|Page had moved into a terrorized state and combined alcohol to create a frenzy. When I was able to get him on the telephone, he broke down into deep sobs. After more than a few tense moments, I was able to move him into an action state by creating a set of steps he needed to do to close the house and get himself and his family on a plane home. Drawing him into action steps released the terror and refocused his attention onto what he could do. The underlying fear was placed into a perspective of reclaiming what he could control and trust that his fate was in the hands of a yet to be provided diagnosis. He survived and lived another 10 years cancer free. As the dissociation eases, it is common to move to a low vulnerability yet strong presence state. Often, as this is occurring, the person moves from a sense of a deep inner coldness, to a coolness (shivers as in the rural cliché of someone walked over my grave) to a burning needles experience on the skin (See Peter Levine’s work, Taming the Tiger). Often, it is experienced as a release of energy and a return of one’s sense of presence. (“I just plopped back into my body”) Depending on what triggered the original sense of exposure, anger can arise. For those prone to rage, feeling embarrassed can trigger the rage’s release. For those triggered by a health crisis, the anger releases the fear and resentment that filled their bodies. Theoretical Underpinnings Present-Centered/Presence From its inception, like many spiritual2 and therapeutic traditions including Gestalt have been "present-centered" (Perls, 1992; Perls, Hefferline, and Goodman, 1994). This focus on present-centeredness is based on the understanding that everything in life occurs in the here and now. Even a memory must be re-lived in the present moment, and is therefore better served if brought fully into the vibrancy and immediacy of the present -- rather than being fixed in the mind like an old, oftenrepeated tale (Latner, 1992; Perls, Hefferline, and Goodman, 1994). The true significance of present-centeredness is well illustrated within the realm of character. Gestalt defines character as "what we do characteristically." That is, "the typical ways in which we function emotionally, physically, intellectually, spiritually" (Latner, 1986).Typically, it is our learned, reactive, habitual ways of doing life. But the usual, the habitual, and the unconscious can be retrieved and brought into our present awareness, where they can be reconstructed, re-experienced, and re-examined, both freely and at length. It is during such moments of reflection that the presence/ vulnerability dynamic can lead to a point of contact that either leads into or away from an insightful awareness3. 2 Mark Epstein Thoughts Without a Thinker and Going to Pieces without Falling Apart Fritz Perls added further clarity when he said, "To me, nothing exists except the now. Now = experience = awareness = reality. The past is no more and the future not yet. Only the now exists." 3 10 | P a g e For example, in writing one of my earlier articles, I personally experienced the presence/vulnerability dynamic, and how it can bring one’s painful history into the present moment. I knew that I have an unconscious memory of my high school years, in which I struggled with teachers who told me that I asked too many questions. They labeled me “stupid” because of my many questions (also because football players like me were thought to be big, strong, and dumb). One teacher, in particular, still affects my relationship to writing -- as I discovered when working with the action editor on that article. My initial response was excitement when I got a green light to move straight into the blind review process, and reviewer feedback included suggestions to improve some areas with the idea of moving forward to publication. So, when the editor and I met to discuss the reviewers’ changes, I felt confident they could be made quickly and easily. However, the editor instead told me the article would be more valuable if it were written from an applied rather than a theoretical perspective. And, it was added, if I wanted to keep my theoretical-illustrated-byexamples approach, she would need to transfer me to a different editor. The problem was, after hearing this last comment, I shut down. To compensate for having my unconscious writing-teacher memory triggered, I asked the editor to put her comments in an email. My past history pushed me into numb dissociation that lasted for several weeks, and it only took microseconds for me to move from excitement (and vulnerability), to feeling overexposed, to shutting down completely. Most of us have unconsciously held memories that, when triggered, force us into a period of self-protective shut-down. In this instance, I was as blind as the editor in what had happened. Neither could speak of it as I had dissociated, and the editor was waiting for revisions. As time progressed, I was able to begin to thaw the dissociation and return to an analytical presence that was able to unravel and begin to correct the situation. Witnessing When coaches try to contain and describe what their client is saying and doing here and now, their focused examination is usually described as paying attention to what is. One source of this concept of present-centered awareness is the Buddhist tradition, in which what we call present-centeredness is known as bare attention. This type of attention is concerned solely and exclusively with what is in the present. Living with full awareness in the "here and now" permits us to be quiet (within ourselves and with the client), as observing witnesses of our experiences, ourselves, and our clients (Thera, 1962). Moving out of the here and now invites projection of the past and anticipation of the future to move in and crowd out the present. But the past -- or the future -- because neither are present-centered, become an "illusion [that] ensnares us in its recurrence" (Naranjo, 1993). The illusion is created by a nanosecond leap across the present into a (preconceived) perception from the past, or an imagined future, thereby short-circuiting the reality of "what is" actually happening in the present moment. 11 | P a g e A subtler, yet perhaps more powerful, way of using “bare attention” is by serving as the client's witness. As we focus on the "here and now," we witness the client in the present. Our mind grows quiet but fully aware of both the internal silence and the client. "The presence of a witness," Naranjo argues, "usually entails an enhancement . . . of attention and of the meaningfulness of that which is observed . . . The more aware an observer is, the more [the client’s] own attention is sharpened by [the observer's] mere presence, as if consciousness were contagious . . ." (Naranjo, 1993). It is at these moments, in which your presence can contain the client’s vulnerability, and support him/her in seeing beyond the past or pulling the future back to the present moment4. Such contact with the present seems to dissolve those perceptions blocking new behavior or the awareness needed to move forward. Insight then surfaces and permanent change occurs. If we return to my triggering experience while having a prior article edited, this healing witnessing dynamic played out in the following way: Acting as my own witness and using the contact model Figure 1, it became clear I had brought my negative teacher experience into that moment. Past embarrassment and shame had surfaced in a flash, shoving me into the safety of dissociation. As clarity about the process came into focus, the editor and I began a dialogue about what had happened. Initially, she was surprised to hear of my reaction. We discussed multiple realities including my projection onto her and the editing process. As a result, my ability to once again consider how to rewrite and revise the article returned. Using the contact model, we were both able to understand what had happened and what could be learned. The editor realized that her suggestion had triggered my silence, followed by my request for a written version of what she suggested, because I had by then dissociated so severely I could no longer understand what she was saying. Because we followed the model through to completion – rather than aborting the activity at some point -- we were both able to learn and move forward. Significance There is an interesting dynamic concerning the need for validation from our self and from others. This is underscored by the way our total interdependence suggests the immense relational depth between presence and vulnerability, within the context of making contact with self, other, and the environment. Our interdependence becomes clear within the context of how we understand human significance. “Significance refers to one’s sense of having value in the eyes of others” (Klein, 1991), and this is, of course, vital to the emotional well-being of every human being. In day-to-day life, significance is created or discovered through interacting 4 It can be helpful to consider field theory and resonance as part of the sense of containing. It is as if the more present we as coaches become, the more the client is able to move into his/her own sense of presence, creating a safe field for surfacing insights, which is an act of openness often referred to as vulnerability. More will be said about this process in later paragraphs. 12 | P a g e with family, friends, and colleagues; gaining recognition and rewards for one’s achievements; participating in social or interest groups; working with others for a common cause; and celebrating one’s national, racial, ethnic, or other identity. “Moreover, significance . . . is fostered by exposing people to environments in which they can realize their potential because they know they are needed, wanted, and valued by others who are important to them” (Klein, 1991). In many theoretical fields we refer to significance as being validated by our sense of self, or by our experience. Often, it is described by clients in sensory terms, in such statements as: “I feel seen,” “I feel heard,” or “I feel validated.” Returning once more to the process of editing the prior noted article, I had struggled to discover my internal sense of significance (during adolescence) surrounding writing. As such, my efforts to self-protect held a fear of embarrassment hovering in the background. Collaborating with the editor, though, I was able to move through dissociation and return to making contact in a balance of presence and vulnerability in order to complete the article. Making Contact If presence functions to create a container for change, then what is it that occurs within this container? I refer to what occurs in presence as “contact.” 5 Contact is the psychological process through which I allow myself to meet myself (as in memories and imagination); or to meet a person, group, or organization; or to meet the environment. I can accomplish this most effectively by staying present-centered. Contact, then, does not mean togetherness or joining, but actually refers to a heightened awareness of the distinction between ourselves and what is "outside" the boundary of our selves. This boundary, moreover, is porous, but holds the two concepts of self and other apart, while permitting interaction and exchange. As explained by Polster and Polster, "The contact boundary is the point at which one experiences the 'me' in relation to that which is 'not me' and through this contact, both are more clearly experienced" (1973). Within the vulnerability/presence dynamic, we begin to realize that contact requires a degree of vulnerability (openness to self and others), and sufficient presence to contain, receive, and support this vulnerability. Without adequate presence (a form of internal authority/ significance that allows us to both meet and be oneself), vulnerability will increase anxiety and throw the moment into a past experience -- a meaning-making diversion that can lead to embarrassment, a sense of humiliation, and potentially, shame. Often, any of these three feelings will lead to a numbing or dissociating process that causes us to feel as if we have left our body (as happened for my brother when diagnosed with cancer). 5 Contact is a prominent concept in gestalt theory 13 | P a g e Prominent theoreticians have observed that our self-concept is constructed from our experiences, which are in part determined by the range of our "capacities for assimilating new or intensified experience" (Polster and Polster, 1973). The individual maintains a sense of self through "I-boundaries," that is, through establishing "bounded limits" that determine how one "either blocks out or permits awareness and action at the contact-boundary" by determining what is not me. This serves to "govern the style of life, including choice of friends, work, geography, fantasy, lovemaking, and all the other experiences which are psychologically relevant to . . . one’s sense of existence" (Polster and Polster, 1973). We often find that, "within the same individual there will be both the mobilization to grow in some areas and the resistance to growth in others," so that the I-boundary is inconsistent in blocking or opening to the other experiences. (Polster and Polster, 1973). Conscious and unconscious emotions, symbols, and thoughts that are typically split off from the self and/or projected onto others can emerge from within the client. Frequently, these serve the function not only of establishing meaning, but of containing (framing and holding in place) anxieties. If placed into a vulnerability/ presence dynamic, the I-boundary becomes the point of power (or fails to) for the client. An individual might decide that, if I am more fully present with myself, I will likely be able to face a certain degree of vulnerability, even to aspects of myself that I have been unable to face until now. If I am less present, or some of my blocked aspects of myself leaks into my awareness too quickly, my vulnerability will likely accelerate to the point of total overwhelm, leading to numbing or dissociation. To support the client in meeting with or extending appropriate contact boundaries, that is, engage in new experiences, it helps to make contact tolerable for the client by containing (framing and holding in the form of bare witnessing and, when necessary, taking boundary-maintaining action), and by gradually re-presenting to the client her/his emotions, symbols, and thoughts in the form of words or silence (Billow, 2000). As a result, the function of containing is primarily transformative. It is accomplished by the coach being fully present, which one does by showing up without preconceived notions, while being able to act or set boundaries, as seems appropriate in support of the client. The coach stays at the I-boundary of self and the client by being able to connect and feel into the situation, while being able to pay attention to what has heart and meaning (the edge of vulnerability) for the client and for oneself. In the illuminating situation of the interaction with my brother concerning his cancer diagnosis by staying engaged, in order to let a sense of what had happened emerge, we supported the unfreezing of his dissociation and enabled the focus and action to return to the USA for treatment. 14 | P a g e Presence Vulnerability Model Understanding the broad spectrum of potential responses to feeling vulnerable, and how that may lead to either intimacy or humiliation, we can understand, as well, how the ability of client and coach to stay fully present with the self and other can lead to an insight or a change in behavior. In many cases, by supporting the client in understanding the value of presence – the value of checking in with oneself on a frequent basis – creates a deeper physical, emotional, and mental awareness. The Contact Model shown in Figure 1 below illustrates how we can use the X/Y axis to create the presence/vulnerability dynamic. The upper right hand quadrant (Quadrant 1) is of course where one is likely to see the greatest results. If the person is able to be a present-centered witness and container for the client, by maintaining an awareness of his/her balance between presence and vulnerability -- while also supporting the client in finding some of that same balance -- the potential for successful work can occur, through supporting the client to meet and possibly engage at a deeper level. For example, looking at Figure 1, we can see that it includes descriptions of experiences within that particular quadrant and, as a result, the model begins to come alive. Each quadrant reflects the degree of presence and vulnerability that exists (or is missing), resulting in an internalized point of contact for the client, the coach, and their dyad. Coaching Application As coaches, personally or professionally, whether informal or formal, we can check in with ourselves and with our clients (or family and friends) to get a sense of which quadrant we are residing in, as well as which one we are moving towards. Moreover, with a bit of further probing, the sense of which quadrant our coach-client dyad resides within can be discovered by how far apart coach and client are in relation to one another. Here is an example: while working with the CEO of a major corporation, I noticed that work had been slow and tedious, with no apparent shifts in the client’s awareness or behavior. While reviewing a company-required 360 feedback report, this CEO wrote that he had heard all this feedback before and was not going to alter his behavior this time, either. Holding the edge of my internal anxiety, I asked how not changing had served him. Then, I asked how not using the feedback to change had also not served him. (Note, I was tracking my internal emotions while witnessing the client.) After voicing his immediate negative reaction, he then asked me to summarize the 360 results and the changes that were being suggested by his board, direct reports, and significant others. When I finished, he maintained steely eye contact with me for well over a minute, before providing a succinct description of what was not working now, and what he needed to begin doing to be effective. I agreed with him and, in his twelve-month follow up, all the changes had been implemented, without regression. 15 | P a g e This success was made possible by the fact that I first tested the gap between us by moving further into my sense of vulnerability and listening to and using my anxiety to see what was not being seen by either the client or by me. I then invited this CEO to move out of the story that had not served him, and into a realization of how his story and his unwillingness to change were undermining his leadership. Safe Container If the coach creates a safe and balanced container, but is not able to support the client in developing and sustaining a similar balance for him/herself, the client could – in a nanosecond – feel overwhelmed by a flood of vulnerability, thereby pulling him/her into the upper left quadrant, where s/he feels embarrassed and potentially exposed. Here is another example: collaborating with a different client whose 360 results pierced her stern executive demeanor; I witnessed an emotional outburst. While sobbing, she apologized profusely, bewildered, and embarrassed by her emotional reaction, as well as by her tears. This double-bind situation of being embarrassed about being publicly embarrassed held the potential for humiliation. But just as suddenly as it began, her emotional outburst ended and with it went any sign of emotion or embarrassment. This executive had moved to the lower left-hand quadrant, into no vulnerability and no presence. She appeared zoned-out as she excused herself, left the room, and ended the coaching relationship. In a similar situation, in which a client was visibly moving into a flood of emotion, I asked him why he thought this was occurring. Quickly redirecting his focus, he thought about the answer to my question, and the emotional reaction and feeling of vulnerability began to wane. This happened because thinking is a rational process that does not require vulnerability. As such, my client produced a rational explanation after catching himself in “mid-flood.” By providing a lifeline to him in this way, I was able to redirect the coaching relationship by teaching him the contact model. He began to understand his own sense of presence and vulnerability and how to manage these states more effectively. The final quadrant in the lower right hand corner is where there is no vulnerability and a high degree of intellectual presence. Frequently, this is the area that many senior executives reside within -- often 90% of the time, in fact. It is typically considered evidence of strength to display these traits, and it feels like a safe-haven, while also providing protection from any situation that could feel embarrassing or humiliating. Interestingly, the dark or shadow side of this quadrant involves a movement into more vulnerability by passing through the first quadrant (intimacy), albeit briefly. In a nanosecond, the client can swing into the second quadrant, feeling totally exposed. Once this occurs, there can be a moment when all expression seems to freeze, as the person flees into numbness, or the third Quadrant. Occasionally, s/he will stay frozen there. However, many times, s/he will return to the absolute rationality of the fourth Quadrant, beginning to shred the coach with razor sharp 16 | P a g e intellect. In this case, the client feels humiliated and unleashes his/her fury as a result. Bringing this back to the presence/vulnerability contact model enables us to track what is me, and what is not me (the I-Boundary) for the client, for ourselves as coaches, and in time, for the coach-client dyad. Personal experimentation is frequently associated with expanding the individual's I-boundary, as it seeks to draw out and stretch the habitual boundary of how one perceives life experiences. Using experimentation, the focus is to encourage the client to "try-on" behaviors that feel alien, frightening, or unacceptable -- all within the secure container of the coaching session. As a result, “a safe emergency is created, one which fosters the development of self-support for new experiences." (Polster and Polster, 1973) The model creates a structure to support the client in moving through experimentation into new behavior. Teaching to Use It is important to note that, when teaching the client this model, it can be used to either avoid any sense of vulnerability or to manage vulnerability more effectively -the latter being consistent with true leadership skills. In my experience, there is a tendency toward self-preservation that occurs until the client develops sufficient skill in staying fully present while managing vulnerability in such a way as to be effective. For example, when teaching this model to a close friend with terminal cancer, the model became a way to understanding her emotions instead of her emotions dictating her daily experience. As she mastered this model, her used became more common. One day she shared it with her family so they could understand her experiences. Not only did this enable better support, the family applied the model to themselves, thereby supporting their processes. Exercise #1 Think about a coaching situation that took a turn to the worst. Remember all of the details of your internal experience. Use the map below, Figure 1, draw a map of the path that your internal experience took. Use descriptive words or phrases to highlight the experience. Looking at the map, indicate possible coaching points that could have be done to change or shift your experience from the original path. Exercise #2 If the situation involved another person, draw a second path on the map of the client’s responses that you experienced concerning this other person. 17 | P a g e Looking at the map, indicate possible coaching points that could have been done to change or shift the coachees experience from the original path. Exercise #3 Continuing to review the map, notice the gap between you and the client as each of you moved on your individual paths. Ponder what would have happened if you had chosen to disclose your reaction and what you perceived to be that of the client>>>use of self. Exercise #4 Using a clean map, draw the path that might have occurred if you had used the possible coaching points that could have been done to change or shift the experience from the original path. Make notes for your future coaching. 18 | P a g e Bibliography and References Argyris, C. 1962. Interpersonal Competence and Organizational Effectiveness. Homewood, Ill.: Dorsey Press. OCLC 254242 Argyris, C. 1964. Integrating the Individual and the Organization. New York: Wiley. Argyris, C. 1970. Intervention Theory and Method: a Behavioral Science View. Reading, Mass.: Addison-Wesley. Argyris, C., Schön, D.A. 1974. Theory in Practice: Increasing Professional Effectiveness. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. Argyris, C. 1976. Increasing Leadership Effectiveness. New York: Wiley. Argyris, C., Schön, D.A. 1978. Organizational Learning: A Theory of Action Perspective. Reading, Mass.: Addison-Wesley. Argyris, C. 1990. Overcoming Organizational Defenses: Facilitating Organizational Learning. Boston: Allyn and Bacon. Argyris, C. 1993. Knowledge for Action: a Guide to Overcoming Barriers to Organizational Change. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. Argyris, C. 1993. On Organizational Learning. Cambridge, Mass.: Blackwell. Argyris, C., Schön, D.A. 1996. Organizational Learning II: Theory, Method and Practice. Reading, Mass.: Addison-Wesley. Argyris, C. 1999. On Organizational Learning, 2nd ed. Malden, Mass.: Blackwell Business. Argyris, C. 2000. Flawed Advice and the Management Trap: How Managers Can Know When They're Getting Good Advice and When They're Not. Oxford and New York: Oxford University Press. Argyris, C. 2004. Reasons and Rationalizations: The Limits to Organizational Knowledge. Oxford: Oxford University Press. Billow, R. M. (2000), Relational Levels of the “Container-Contained” in Group Therapy. Group, 4: 243-259. Goldberg, Carl. (2001) Psychologist as Mentor and Detective in the Mirror of the Soul, Journal of Contemporary Psychotherapy, Vol. 31, No. 2. Goleman, Daniel (1995) Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, Bantam Books. Goleman, Daniel (1998) Working with Emotional Intelligence, Bantam Books. Klein, D.C. (1991), Humiliation Dynamic,The Union Institute, http://www.humiliationstudies.org/documents/KleinHumiliationDynamic.pdf Klein, D. C. (2005), The Humiliation Dynamic: Looking to the Past and Future, http://www.humiliationstudies.org/documents/KleinLookingBackForward.pdf Latner, J. (1986), The Gestalt Therapy Book. Highland, NY: Gestalt Journal Press. Latner, J. (1992), The theory of gestalt therapy. In: Gestalt Therapy: Perspectives and Applications, ed. E. C. Nevis. Cleveland: Gestalt Institute of Cleveland Press, pp. 53-56. 19 | P a g e Naranjo, C. (1970), Present-Centeredness: Techniques, prescription, and ideal. In: Gestalt Therapy Now, ed. J. Fagan & I.L. Shepherd. Palo Alto, CA: Science and Behavior Books, pp. 47-69. Naranjo, C. (1993), Gestalt Therapy: The Attitude and Practice of an Atheoretical Experientialism. Nevada City, Ca.: Gateways/IDHHB Publishing. Perls, Fritz. (1969). Ego, Hunger, and Aggression. New York: Random House. Perls, Fritz (1976), The Gestalt Approach and Eye Witness to Therapy. New York: Bantam Books. Perls, F., Hefferline, R., & Goodman, P. (1994), Gestalt Therapy: Excitement and Growth in Human Personality. Highland, NY: Gestalt Journal Press. Polster, E. & Polster, M. (1973), Gestalt Therapy Integrated: Contours of Theory and Practice. New York: Brunner/Mazel. Solomon, Robert C. (2006) True to Our Feelings: What Our Emotions Are Really Telling Us. Oxford University Press. Stevenson, Herb. (2005) Gestalt coaching. OD Practitioner, 37(4), 42-47. Stevenson, Herb (2010a) Emergence: The Gestalt approach to change. Rothwell, William. J., Stavros, Jacqueline M., Sullivan, Roland L. & Sullivan, Arriele. (Eds.) Practicing organization development: A guide for leading change. San Francisco: Pfeiffer Stevenson, Herb. (2010b) Paradox: Gestalt theory of change. Gestalt Review, 14 (2), 111-126. Stevenson, Herb. (2016) Coaching at the Point of Contact. Gestalt Review, 20(3):260278. 20 | P a g e 21 | P a g e